Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,450 --> 00:00:05,216
[THUNDER CRASHING]
2
00:00:07,316 --> 00:00:09,450
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
3
00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:15,433
[GROANING]
4
00:00:15,466 --> 00:00:17,400
Fran thinks this is scary?
5
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,500
Some Egyptian guy wrapped up in Charmin?
6
00:00:22,830 --> 00:00:23,660
This is so wussy.
7
00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:27,433
Boo! [ALL SCREAM]
8
00:00:27,466 --> 00:00:30,433
[GIGGLING]
9
00:00:30,466 --> 00:00:34,330
Oh, I used to love doing that to Ma.
10
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,250
[LAUGHS]
11
00:00:36,283 --> 00:00:38,466
Thank God for plastic slip covers.
12
00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:45,100
Oh, Gracie, honey,
13
00:00:45,133 --> 00:00:47,416
isn't this a little too intense for you?
14
00:00:47,450 --> 00:00:49,333
No, I'm fine with this. It's60 Minutes
15
00:00:52,266 --> 00:00:53,350
Do you know what goes on in a chicken processing plant?
16
00:00:55,166 --> 00:00:56,316
Your pizza.
17
00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:58,133
Yum. Yummy.
18
00:00:58,166 --> 00:01:00,133
I'm so glad we ordered from this place.
19
00:01:00,166 --> 00:01:01,300
Not only do they give you extra cheese,
20
00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,416
but you get a free beverage.
21
00:01:05,216 --> 00:01:06,416
[ALL GROAN]
22
00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:08,350
Mmm. Okay. Dig in.
23
00:01:08,383 --> 00:01:11,330
I only want one slice. - Me too.
24
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:12,233
Pizza is very fattening.
25
00:01:12,266 --> 00:01:14,366
Fran, that's two.
26
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,660
No, honey. Not when you eat it like this.
27
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:16,466
The body doesn't know.
28
00:01:19,416 --> 00:01:21,316
This is so bogus.
29
00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:22,466
Horror films today are much more realistic.
30
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,830
Oh, right.
31
00:01:25,116 --> 00:01:27,500
Whenever I'm in a cabin in the woods,
32
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,283
the first thing I do is just rip off my top
33
00:01:29,316 --> 00:01:30,266
and start dancing the Frug.
34
00:01:32,350 --> 00:01:33,433
You know, we should go camping.
35
00:01:35,466 --> 00:01:37,366
[DOORBELL RINGS]
36
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,450
In classic horror films, violence is never shown.
37
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,333
I believe it was Alfred Hitchcock who said,
38
00:01:42,366 --> 00:01:43,350
"There's nothing more frightening
39
00:01:43,383 --> 00:01:44,450
than an unopened door."
40
00:01:46,366 --> 00:01:47,283
[HORROR MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
41
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:48,366
[CHILDREN SCREAM]
42
00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,366
Niles, show our visitor to the guest room, would you?
43
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,416
Right this way. Thank you.
44
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,133
Good night, Miss Fine.
45
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:05,233
"Good night, Miss Fine"? [CHUCKLES]
46
00:02:05,266 --> 00:02:07,133
Is there something you'd like to tell me?
47
00:02:07,166 --> 00:02:09,100
Uh, "Pleasant dreams?"
48
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,133
"See you in the morning?" What?
49
00:02:10,166 --> 00:02:12,333
Oh, I don't know.
50
00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:15,116
Uh, "How was your day?" The weather?
51
00:02:15,150 --> 00:02:16,283
King Tut in the trench coat?
52
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:20,266
I'd rather not discuss that if you don't mind.
53
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,250
We simply have a houseguest
54
00:02:22,283 --> 00:02:24,100
who's recovering from some surgery.
55
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:27,100
Oh, I get it. Some hotshot celeb.
56
00:02:27,133 --> 00:02:29,160
A little nip, a little tuck.
57
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:31,166
Hush-hush, right? - Ahem. Absolutely.
58
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,160
Well, smart you. The less who know, the better.
59
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,133
We'll just keep it between us.
60
00:02:34,166 --> 00:02:35,500
All right, dish.
61
00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:40,660
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
62
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:42,300
What does hell freezing over have to do with--
63
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:45,233
Oh. - Good night, Miss Fine.
64
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:48,416
I can't believe you trust me to take care of your children,
65
00:02:48,450 --> 00:02:50,483
you trust me to mail important documents--
66
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:51,416
Oh.
67
00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:58,216
--and you don't trust me with one little itty-bitty secret?
68
00:02:58,250 --> 00:03:01,116
That about sums it up.
69
00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:02,316
So you're not gonna tell me who she is?
70
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,500
She
71
00:03:04,830 --> 00:03:06,166
She! All right.
72
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,216
I know it's a woman.
73
00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:10,350
And I know she's definitely not a redhead.
74
00:03:10,383 --> 00:03:11,283
How do you know she's not a redhead?
75
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,233
Aha!
76
00:03:13,266 --> 00:03:16,100
Not a redhead!
77
00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:18,100
Mr. Sheffield, you're in way over your head.
78
00:03:18,133 --> 00:03:20,330
You might as well just tell me.
79
00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:21,116
Look, all you've succeeded in doing
80
00:03:21,150 --> 00:03:22,466
is strengthening my resolve.
81
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,183
I'm not saying another word.
82
00:03:24,216 --> 00:03:24,433
Oh... [PHONE RINGS]
83
00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:29,383
Hello. Hold on.
84
00:03:29,416 --> 00:03:32,383
It's Larry Fortensky on the phone.
85
00:03:32,416 --> 00:03:33,466
Oh, uh, all right. I'll take it in the office.
86
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,830
Okay, okay. Ah! Liz!
87
00:03:38,150 --> 00:03:38,483
Say hello to your mother for me.
88
00:03:42,116 --> 00:03:43,160
Hi, Ma.
89
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,450
[THEME SONG PLAYS]
90
00:03:47,483 --> 00:03:49,116
♪ She was working in A bridal shop ♪
91
00:03:49,150 --> 00:03:50,433
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
92
00:03:50,466 --> 00:03:52,100
♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
93
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:53,316
♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪
94
00:03:53,350 --> 00:03:55,233
♪ What was she do Where was she to go ♪
95
00:03:55,266 --> 00:03:58,216
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
96
00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:00,330
♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
97
00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:01,366
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
98
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,116
♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪
99
00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:06,830
♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪
100
00:04:06,116 --> 00:04:10,100
♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪
101
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:13,160
♪ Who would have guessed that The girl we described ♪
102
00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:15,660
♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪
103
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:16,500
♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪
104
00:04:16,830 --> 00:04:17,300
♪ Watch out C.C. ♪
105
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:18,383
♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
106
00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:20,330
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
107
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:21,433
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
108
00:04:21,466 --> 00:04:24,500
♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
109
00:04:26,116 --> 00:04:27,483
♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
110
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:28,183
♪The nanny named Fran ♪
111
00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:36,100
Hi, Miss Babcock.
112
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:38,830
Maxwell isn't her. And if it's about the children,
113
00:04:38,116 --> 00:04:41,160
I'm not interested.
114
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,830
And if it's about you, I'mreally
115
00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,000
I just came in for a little girl talk.
116
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:48,416
With me?
117
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:51,100
Yeah. We're both women.
118
00:04:51,133 --> 00:04:52,133
I don't care what Niles says.
119
00:04:55,316 --> 00:04:58,283
So tell me, who does he got up in that room?
120
00:04:58,316 --> 00:05:01,100
[LAUGHING] [GIGGLING]
121
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:05,330
It's just killing you, isn't it, that Maxwell and I
122
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:08,200
have little secrets that you know nothing about.
123
00:05:08,233 --> 00:05:10,830
He didn't tell you either.
124
00:05:12,366 --> 00:05:14,333
No. That tightlipped little scone head.
125
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,166
It's because we're women.
126
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,160
It's outrageous.
127
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,300
Men think they can't trust us.
128
00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:24,300
Well, it's insulting. [SCOFFS]
129
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:27,450
Did you check the safe? - It's the first place I looked.
130
00:05:27,483 --> 00:05:31,200
Oh, boy, this is just like Mission Impossible.
131
00:05:31,233 --> 00:05:34,160
Remember when the little Japanese ballerina
132
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:36,200
would peel off her face, and it would be Martin Landau?
133
00:05:38,266 --> 00:05:40,366
Ooh! Ooh!
134
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,416
I have located the black box. - Oh.
135
00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:46,266
His laptop computer.
136
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:47,400
I can't believe he just leaves this lying around. [SQUEALS]
137
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,200
Miss Babcock.
138
00:05:53,233 --> 00:05:55,133
Babs, baby.
139
00:05:55,166 --> 00:05:56,466
Shh-shh-shh-shh. I'm busy--
140
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,500
Babby, honey.
141
00:05:59,830 --> 00:06:00,400
No, no, it's all right. I do this all the time.
142
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:06,250
How do you think I know where he is every minute of the day.
143
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,330
Now, what was his password?
144
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,416
"Busted"?
145
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:10,400
No, Maxwell would nev--
146
00:06:10,433 --> 00:06:11,283
Ooh-ho-hoo!
147
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:15,250
Oh-hoo-hoo. Maxwell!
148
00:06:15,283 --> 00:06:17,100
Thank God you're here.
149
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:18,500
I was just looking for the--
150
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:20,416
The...
151
00:06:20,450 --> 00:06:23,150
[MUTTERS NONSENSE WORDS] file, and...
152
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:26,383
Oh! I remember where I left that.
153
00:06:26,416 --> 00:06:28,150
Stay out of the guest room.
154
00:06:28,183 --> 00:06:28,433
Ha-ha-ha.
155
00:06:30,283 --> 00:06:32,433
Oh, boy, you know,
156
00:06:32,466 --> 00:06:34,300
you'd think she'd have better things to do with her time
157
00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:36,266
than rifling through your stuff.
158
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,316
[MAXWELL CHUCKLES]
159
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:40,400
So, what brings you here, Miss Fine?
160
00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:46,183
Oh, uh-- - No problem with the children?
161
00:06:46,216 --> 00:06:49,300
Oh, no! Kids are wonderful.
162
00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:50,483
Household running okay?
163
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,100
Oh. Like clockwork.
164
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:54,333
[CHUCKLES] Anything on fire?
165
00:06:54,366 --> 00:06:55,216
No. No.
166
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,150
Then get out!
167
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,416
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
168
00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:03,400
You probably think that I'm snooping around
169
00:07:03,433 --> 00:07:05,500
like Miss Babcock.
170
00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:07,166
Well...
171
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,316
Let me just tell you something.
172
00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:11,483
It's pretty sad, a man in your position
173
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,366
doesn't even know who he can trust.
174
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,133
[CLICKS TONGUE]
175
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:28,660
Well, it can't be Loni because she's in court.
176
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:33,200
It can't be Melanie Griffith 'cause she's in court.
177
00:07:35,233 --> 00:07:37,433
Christie Brinkley, court.
178
00:07:37,466 --> 00:07:40,233
Court, court, rehab.
179
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,450
"Baby born with antler."
180
00:07:48,830 --> 00:07:49,416
Wow, that sounds like the episiotomy from hell.
181
00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:54,660
Hi, everybody.
182
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,000
Brighton Sheffield, what have you got there?
183
00:07:56,330 --> 00:07:58,500
Oh, no, not another pet.
184
00:07:58,830 --> 00:08:00,200
What? I'm good with animals.
185
00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:01,416
Well, let's see. There were the goldfish,
186
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:04,150
the hamsters, the white mice, the turtle.
187
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:08,100
Our back yard is practically a pet Boot Hill.
188
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:10,500
Meanwhile, the roses were gorgeous this year.
189
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:14,200
Oh, look, Brighton's got a bird.
190
00:08:14,233 --> 00:08:15,133
Polly want an afterlife?
191
00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:19,466
Hey, my friend Justin has to get rid of it.
192
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,316
It's supposed to talk,
193
00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:23,160
but all it says is "Raymond loves Lola."
194
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:24,216
Does it deserve to die for that?
195
00:08:26,483 --> 00:08:28,250
Niles, Raymond is Justin's dad.
196
00:08:28,283 --> 00:08:29,383
Lola is the upstairs maid.
197
00:08:29,416 --> 00:08:31,250
Ah. Uh-huh.
198
00:08:31,283 --> 00:08:34,233
Oh...well,
199
00:08:34,266 --> 00:08:37,330
I bet they were bouncing more than quarters on those sheets.
200
00:08:37,660 --> 00:08:38,283
[CHUCKLES]
201
00:08:38,316 --> 00:08:41,433
Now, where was I?
202
00:08:41,466 --> 00:08:44,383
Oh, look, Roseanne threw a party
203
00:08:44,416 --> 00:08:46,100
to burn her "Tom" tattoo off her butt.
204
00:08:48,216 --> 00:08:51,116
What does one serve at a thing like that?
205
00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:53,500
I don't know. But at my cousin Steven's bris,
206
00:08:53,830 --> 00:08:57,350
they served tri-tip.
207
00:08:57,350 --> 00:08:59,200
Niles, that's what you're serving
208
00:08:59,233 --> 00:09:01,100
to a celebrity for lunch?
209
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:02,483
Give her a sandwich.
210
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,450
Thisis
211
00:09:05,483 --> 00:09:07,416
She has to eat everything through a straw.
212
00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:10,350
It's vile. ThinkSilence of the Lambs.
213
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,400
[IMITATES HANNIBAL LECTER]
214
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,330
You know what? Let me bring it up to her.
215
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,330
I'm used to that sound.
216
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,150
You've obviously never seen my father
217
00:09:20,183 --> 00:09:21,116
working a chicken neck.
218
00:09:23,116 --> 00:09:25,450
Nice try, Miss Fine.
219
00:09:25,483 --> 00:09:28,416
Well, you know, Niles, I mean, it's one thing
220
00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:31,133
for Mr. Sheffield to keep a secret fromme,
221
00:09:31,166 --> 00:09:34,250
but to giveyou such a slap in the face.
222
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:38,500
If I were you, I would walk myself right into his office
223
00:09:38,830 --> 00:09:40,830
and demand that he tell you who's up there,
224
00:09:40,116 --> 00:09:41,000
really loud.
225
00:09:43,266 --> 00:09:45,450
Miss Fine, unlike you, I don't care who it is.
226
00:09:45,483 --> 00:09:48,416
[GASPS] You know!
227
00:09:50,266 --> 00:09:51,830
You betcha, baby.
228
00:09:53,166 --> 00:09:55,383
Why would he tell you and not me?
229
00:09:55,416 --> 00:09:57,366
Because Niles wasn't caught leading a conga line
230
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,250
with my filing cabinet.
231
00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:03,116
You know, I knew you misread that.
232
00:10:03,150 --> 00:10:04,233
That was static cling.
233
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,330
What is it with women, Niles?
234
00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:10,366
They always want to know what isn't their business,
235
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,500
so they can share it with other women
236
00:10:12,830 --> 00:10:14,500
whose business it also isn't.
237
00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:16,216
Oh, if that isn't the most sexist thing
238
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,383
I have ever heard.
239
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:20,330
Like men don't gab.
240
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:22,233
Miss Fine, men aren't interested in gossip.
241
00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:24,383
Absolutely not, I tuned out when
242
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:26,316
the Turnbulls' butler told me
243
00:10:26,350 --> 00:10:28,660
about the little chippy the master has on the side.
244
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,250
Niles, that's old news.
245
00:10:30,283 --> 00:10:31,233
It was all over the steam room months ago.
246
00:10:33,350 --> 00:10:34,450
Including the fact that he's put her up
247
00:10:34,483 --> 00:10:37,830
in an apartment in Trump Tower.
248
00:10:37,116 --> 00:10:39,660
Mm, but do they also know he had the entire thing
249
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,830
done in leather?
250
00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:40,416
No!
251
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:44,233
Which one of your girls is getting the bikini wax?
252
00:10:53,466 --> 00:10:54,400
I'm sorry.
253
00:10:58,133 --> 00:10:59,416
I'm sorry. Did you call me?
254
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,830
[SNORING]
255
00:11:02,116 --> 00:11:05,350
Oh, good, you're sleeping.
256
00:11:05,383 --> 00:11:08,250
Shh-shh-shh-shh shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
257
00:11:08,283 --> 00:11:13,160
[SOFTLY] ♪ Lullaby, And good night ♪
258
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:17,316
♪ You're too short To be Candice Bergen ♪
259
00:11:17,350 --> 00:11:22,266
[HUMMING "LULLABY"]
260
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:25,200
♪ Rule out Dolly Parton too ♪
261
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,166
Shh-shh-shh.
262
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,366
You know, you're very brave.
263
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,466
Surgery's not for me.
264
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,266
I'll stick with my thigh cream.
265
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:40,350
It tingles cellulite away.
266
00:11:40,383 --> 00:11:42,400
I don't know if it works, but I don't hate it.
267
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,150
Fran. [YELPS]
268
00:11:48,183 --> 00:11:49,366
You scared me.
269
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,483
Did you find out who it is yet?
270
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,433
Honey, what did I tell you about snooping?
271
00:11:53,466 --> 00:11:55,150
That there should always be a lookout.
272
00:11:55,183 --> 00:11:56,166
Good. Go wait in the hall.
273
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,330
Right.
274
00:12:04,233 --> 00:12:05,150
[SOFTLY] Okay, now let's take a look at your eyes.
275
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,116
Hmm-hmm.
276
00:12:07,150 --> 00:12:08,116
Brown.
277
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,133
Let's just see your mouth a little bit.
278
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:18,166
[SLURPING]
279
00:12:21,183 --> 00:12:22,383
Not a straw.
280
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,660
Oh, honey, what were you worried about your looks for?
281
00:12:32,330 --> 00:12:35,000
[GIGGLING SOFTLY] Stop it. That tickles.
282
00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:36,283
Miss Fine!
283
00:12:41,266 --> 00:12:43,830
Oh, yeah. Temperature's normal.
284
00:12:43,116 --> 00:12:44,483
Drink plenty of fluids.
285
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:46,433
Just what do you think you're doing here?
286
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,350
Um, um...
287
00:12:48,383 --> 00:12:50,000
"Daddy's coming"?
288
00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:50,333
Right.
289
00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:55,150
What do you have to say for yourself?
290
00:12:55,183 --> 00:12:58,216
Well, I hope you don't think this ismy
291
00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:00,483
Oh, of course not. Of course not. It's my fault.
292
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,400
Well, I forgive you. Now let's get on with our lives.
293
00:13:03,433 --> 00:13:06,216
You may not have one much longer.
294
00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:07,383
Well, none of this would've happened
295
00:13:07,416 --> 00:13:09,250
if you had just told me who she was!
296
00:13:09,283 --> 00:13:10,383
Cher.
297
00:13:14,383 --> 00:13:17,150
Well, sharing is what it is all about.
298
00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:21,100
Cher.
299
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,830
I know. Don't tell me!
300
00:13:23,116 --> 00:13:26,330
Talk to him. I give and give.
301
00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:28,100
You know, she's really very good with children.
302
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:30,300
But do you think that earns his trust?
303
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,216
No, he still won't tell me who you are.
304
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:34,466
Cher!
305
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:40,200
I heard you!
306
00:13:43,216 --> 00:13:44,233
Are you sure it wasn't a head injury?
307
00:13:47,166 --> 00:13:50,133
Grammy, Emmy,
308
00:13:50,166 --> 00:13:51,200
Oscar.
309
00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:52,300
[GASPS]
310
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,466
Rita Moreno?!
311
00:13:59,483 --> 00:14:00,383
"Maggie stuffs her bra."
312
00:14:06,416 --> 00:14:07,416
"Maggie stuffs her bra."
313
00:14:09,366 --> 00:14:11,300
Come on, say it.
314
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,216
Master Brighton, stop torturing that bird.
315
00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:15,233
It's very cruel.
316
00:14:15,266 --> 00:14:16,366
Yeah, I think he's having a better day
317
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,300
than that Cornish hen you've got your fist in.
318
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:27,450
All right. Let's pick up where we left off.
319
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,330
"Miss Babcock's embezzling."
320
00:14:31,183 --> 00:14:32,300
"Miss Babcock's embezzling."
321
00:14:34,483 --> 00:14:37,300
Oh, I can't believe Cher sucked on my finger.
322
00:14:39,366 --> 00:14:41,233
Just listen carefully, Miss Fine.
323
00:14:41,266 --> 00:14:44,100
Cher trusts me to keep this thing quiet.
324
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,266
Oh, you know who would just die
325
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,333
if they found out Cher was here?
326
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:50,266
You will, Miss Fine.
327
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:52,266
You if anyone finds out.
328
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:55,433
My cousin Ira is her biggest fan.
329
00:14:55,466 --> 00:14:58,830
He does an impersonation of her
330
00:14:58,116 --> 00:15:01,283
in a drop-dead gorgeous Bob Mackie gown.
331
00:15:01,316 --> 00:15:03,266
I'll tell you, why she's a star
332
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:06,233
when he's a kosher butcher...
333
00:15:06,266 --> 00:15:08,450
Well, I guess it's all who you know.
334
00:15:08,483 --> 00:15:11,216
Cousin Ira?
335
00:15:11,250 --> 00:15:13,660
Hey, he's the best female impersonator
336
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:14,200
to come out of Queens.
337
00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:16,183
No pun intended.
338
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:19,160
Look, Miss Fine, please, just promise me
339
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,383
you won't say a word about this to anyone.
340
00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:24,660
Would you calm down? I can keep a secret.
341
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,483
Who am I gonna tell?
342
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,200
Hi, Fran.
343
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:29,000
I can't tell.
344
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,216
Tell me what?
345
00:15:32,250 --> 00:15:34,366
Who the celebrity is recovering from surgery
346
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,400
up in the guest bedroom.
347
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:36,166
So stop hounding me!
348
00:15:38,383 --> 00:15:40,433
All right. So can I have a soda too?
349
00:15:40,466 --> 00:15:42,183
Well, there's only one left.
350
00:15:42,216 --> 00:15:43,000
We'll have to share.
351
00:15:46,466 --> 00:15:47,483
What's wrong with you?
352
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,200
Nothing, nothing.
353
00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:49,400
Can we please change the subject?
354
00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:54,466
[SIGHS] So tell me...
355
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,000
have your parents gotten that time-share yet?
356
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,200
No. They decided they didn't like Florida.
357
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:04,330
Why? The weather's so nice and sunny.
358
00:16:07,350 --> 00:16:09,216
It was a bad neighborhood.
359
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:11,383
Full of gypsies, tramps and thieves?
360
00:16:11,416 --> 00:16:12,266
[GASPS]
361
00:16:14,483 --> 00:16:15,466
Oh, my God. It's Cher.
362
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:19,483
Who told you?
363
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:25,000
[CHATTERING, GENERAL HUBBUB]
364
00:16:25,330 --> 00:16:27,366
Oh, wow. The house is surrounded by reporters.
365
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,400
Well, I wouldn't say "surrounded".
366
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:32,350
I mean, they're just on three sides
367
00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:33,216
and the second-floor balcony.
368
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,166
I can't believe Dad didn't tell us Cher was staying here.
369
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,216
How did the press find out?
370
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:41,200
Oh, who knows?
371
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:42,366
Probably somebody blabbed to some friend...
372
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,150
who is about to die.
373
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:49,216
No. Back!
374
00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:52,500
Back, you journalistic spawn of Satan!
375
00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:56,233
Thank you very much and have a nice day.
376
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:02,250
[SIGHS] One must be firm but never rude.
377
00:17:02,283 --> 00:17:04,830
Niles, I think you left Miss Babcock out there.
378
00:17:04,116 --> 00:17:05,183
Oh, did I?
379
00:17:05,216 --> 00:17:07,330
C.C.: Niles!
380
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,450
Oh, there she is.
381
00:17:08,483 --> 00:17:10,266
[GENERAL HUBBUB]
382
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,166
Back!
383
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:16,483
MAXWELL: Miss Fine!
384
00:17:18,366 --> 00:17:21,830
Are you speaking to me?
385
00:17:21,116 --> 00:17:23,350
[IMITATING DESI ARNAZ] Miss Fine, you've got some 'splaining to do!
386
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,160
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm sure you think
387
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:30,416
I have something to do with that.
388
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,330
But they could have found out in a million different ways.
389
00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:34,200
Such as?
390
00:17:34,233 --> 00:17:36,250
Um, um...
391
00:17:36,283 --> 00:17:38,160
Hey, guys, the bird's finally talking.
392
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,316
Not now, Brighton.
393
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,200
Well, don't ignore the children.
394
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:42,333
You know, it's always business with you.
395
00:17:44,216 --> 00:17:45,450
You gonna talk for us?
396
00:17:45,483 --> 00:17:48,660
Speak, pretty bird, pretty bird.
397
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,433
BIRD: Val, it's Cher.
398
00:17:49,466 --> 00:17:51,183
Could youplotz? [SQUAWKS]
399
00:17:54,316 --> 00:17:57,116
Val, I can't believe you blabbed.
400
00:17:57,150 --> 00:17:59,450
I only told one person. - Who?
401
00:17:59,483 --> 00:18:00,450
My priest, Father Beretta.
402
00:18:02,116 --> 00:18:03,830
That yenta?
403
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,200
Was he wearing his collar?
404
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:08,216
Ah, no.
405
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:10,100
Val, how many times do I have to tell you,
406
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:12,500
when they don't wear the collar,
407
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:13,660
it's like their fingers are crossed behind their back.
408
00:18:16,466 --> 00:18:18,383
[SIGHS] This is just like
409
00:18:18,416 --> 00:18:21,300
being called into the principal's office.
410
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:23,116
All right, all right. Here's what we're gonna do.
411
00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:24,316
It'll be just like in high school.
412
00:18:24,350 --> 00:18:27,116
I'll make up the story. You stick to it.
413
00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:28,183
I was supposed to stick to it?
414
00:18:31,183 --> 00:18:33,116
[WHINING] I'm gonna get suspended.
415
00:18:42,283 --> 00:18:43,830
Sit.
416
00:18:45,383 --> 00:18:49,366
I am most disappointed in you two ladies.
417
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,000
That's it, Val. We're not gonna get in to college.
418
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:55,166
[BOTH LAUGH]
419
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,330
So you find this amusing, Miss Fine?
420
00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:58,283
No, Mr. Sheffield.
421
00:18:58,316 --> 00:19:00,830
I expected more from you two.
422
00:19:00,116 --> 00:19:03,100
[SOBBING] Oh.
423
00:19:03,133 --> 00:19:06,400
Tears won't work in this office, Miss Toriello.
424
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:08,316
He's gonna call my mother!
425
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,400
Mr. Sheffield, please, let her go.
426
00:19:12,433 --> 00:19:14,166
It was all my fault. I'll take the rap.
427
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,160
Again.
428
00:19:16,450 --> 00:19:18,830
Thanks, Fran.
429
00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:19,233
I gotta go to confession.
430
00:19:19,266 --> 00:19:20,333
No names!
431
00:19:22,116 --> 00:19:24,100
[MAXWELL SIGHS]
432
00:19:24,133 --> 00:19:25,266
I just don't know what to say.
433
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,830
Thanks to you,
434
00:19:27,116 --> 00:19:29,200
Cher is a virtual prisoner in this house.
435
00:19:29,233 --> 00:19:30,433
Mr. Sheffield...
436
00:19:30,466 --> 00:19:33,416
if I told you
437
00:19:33,450 --> 00:19:37,160
that I had a way to solve everything...
438
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:38,330
would you forgive me?
439
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:40,416
Yes.
440
00:19:40,416 --> 00:19:41,400
[WHINING] Got any ideas?
441
00:19:51,433 --> 00:19:53,266
All right, ladies and gentlemen of the press,
442
00:19:53,300 --> 00:19:56,333
Cher has agreed to this photo opportunity,
443
00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:58,283
in the hopes that you might finally agree
444
00:19:58,316 --> 00:20:00,133
to leave her alone.
445
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,400
All right? Thank you very much.
446
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,250
Thank you. Excuse me. Pardon me.
447
00:20:03,283 --> 00:20:04,350
Excuse me.
448
00:20:04,383 --> 00:20:05,466
This had better work.
449
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,333
Would you relax?
450
00:20:07,366 --> 00:20:10,333
My cousin Ira will do a few bits from his act.
451
00:20:12,350 --> 00:20:14,116
Before the press get wise,
452
00:20:14,150 --> 00:20:16,116
Cher'll be out the kitchen door
453
00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:18,330
and back to pushing detangler on QVC.
454
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:22,483
Mm.
455
00:20:22,483 --> 00:20:24,283
Oh, honey, is Cousin Ira ready?
456
00:20:24,316 --> 00:20:26,233
He's dressed like a lady.
457
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:27,416
I know.
458
00:20:28,366 --> 00:20:30,133
And I'll explain everything later.
459
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,100
Thank you.
460
00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:35,266
What?
461
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,433
Oh, I-I was just thinking.
462
00:20:36,466 --> 00:20:39,160
Before you came into my life,
463
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,400
I never had the need for an emergency transvestite.
464
00:20:45,266 --> 00:20:47,830
I'm telling you,
465
00:20:47,116 --> 00:20:50,830
Cousin Ira is gonna be the perfect distraction.
466
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,316
It can't fail.
467
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,166
Besides, there's no time to think of anything else.
468
00:20:57,116 --> 00:21:02,416
[CHER'S "BANG BANG" PLAYS ON STEREO]
469
00:21:02,450 --> 00:21:04,366
[MOUTHING LYRICS] ♪ I was 5 and you were 6 ♪
470
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:08,233
♪ We rode on horses Made of sticks ♪
471
00:21:08,266 --> 00:21:11,233
♪ I wore black And you wore white ♪
472
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:13,266
♪ You'd always win the fight ♪
473
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,150
♪ Bang bang, you shot me down ♪
474
00:21:16,183 --> 00:21:19,830
♪ Bang bang, I hit the ground ♪
475
00:21:19,116 --> 00:21:22,400
♪ Bang bang, that awful sound Bang bang... ♪
476
00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,266
Where was the last place he passed for Cher?
477
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:25,116
Sea World?
478
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:31,300
Oh, well, Ch-Cher just had surgery.
479
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,433
We'll tell them she's still on cortisone.
480
00:21:36,266 --> 00:21:39,300
Well, the press certainly loved Cousin Ira.
481
00:21:41,350 --> 00:21:45,350
You know, my Aunt Renie makes all of his costumes.
482
00:21:45,383 --> 00:21:47,200
That thong he was wearing
483
00:21:47,233 --> 00:21:48,660
used to be their hammock.
484
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,400
Yes, he was riveting.
485
00:21:52,433 --> 00:21:55,466
Especially the part where his leotard failed.
486
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,330
I know. I mean, I've heard of runs,
487
00:21:58,660 --> 00:22:01,483
but never a blowout.
488
00:22:01,483 --> 00:22:04,416
Well, at least Cher got out safe and sound.
489
00:22:04,450 --> 00:22:07,166
Yeah. Although I'm afraid Cousin Ira's having
490
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,100
one helluva time hailing a cab.
491
00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:12,350
Ah, all's well that ends well, eh? Yeah.
492
00:22:12,383 --> 00:22:15,660
I just hope you finally learned your lesson
493
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:16,416
about the consequences of idle female gossip.
494
00:22:18,433 --> 00:22:20,400
Excuse me, sir. Mr. Turnbull to see you.
495
00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:22,283
Raymond, what on earth are you doing here?
496
00:22:22,316 --> 00:22:25,660
My son wants his bird back.
497
00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:26,316
Oh, and by the way, I hope the press wasn't
498
00:22:26,350 --> 00:22:28,416
too much of an inconvenience. - Press?
499
00:22:28,450 --> 00:22:30,233
Yes, I'm the one that tipped them off.
500
00:22:33,266 --> 00:22:36,160
You knew Cher was staying in the house?
501
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,330
Yeah. Max told me in the steam room.
502
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,433
You promised not to tell.
503
00:22:41,466 --> 00:22:43,183
And you promised not to tell about
504
00:22:43,216 --> 00:22:44,300
my girlfriend in Trump Tower.
505
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:48,660
I guess that makes us square.
506
00:22:53,233 --> 00:22:54,116
Well, um...
507
00:22:55,366 --> 00:22:56,466
Good night, Miss Fine.
508
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:04,433
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
509
00:23:12,316 --> 00:23:14,300
[TIRES SCREECHING]
35528
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof