Original subtitles

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

Fran thinks this is scary?

Some Egyptian guy wrapped up in Charmin?

This is so wussy.

Boo! [ALL SCREAM]

[GIGGLING]

Oh, I used to love doing that to Ma.

[LAUGHS]

Thank God for plastic slip covers.

Oh, Gracie, honey,

isn't this a little too intense for you?

No, I'm fine with this. It's60 Minutes

Do you know what goes on in a chicken processing plant?

Your pizza.

Yum. Yummy.

I'm so glad we ordered from this place.

Not only do they give you extra cheese,

but you get a free beverage.

[ALL GROAN]

Mmm. Okay. Dig in.

I only want one slice. - Me too.

Pizza is very fattening.

Fran, that's two.

No, honey. Not when you eat it like this.

The body doesn't know.

This is so bogus.

Horror films today are much more realistic.

Oh, right.

Whenever I'm in a cabin in the woods,

the first thing I do is just rip off my top

and start dancing the Frug.

You know, we should go camping.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

In classic horror films, violence is never shown.

I believe it was Alfred Hitchcock who said,

"There's nothing more frightening

than an unopened door."

[HORROR MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

[CHILDREN SCREAM]

Niles, show our visitor to the guest room, would you?

Right this way. Thank you.

Good night, Miss Fine.

"Good night, Miss Fine"? [CHUCKLES]

Is there something you'd like to tell me?

Uh, "Pleasant dreams?"

"See you in the morning?" What?

Oh, I don't know.

Uh, "How was your day?" The weather?

King Tut in the trench coat?

I'd rather not discuss that if you don't mind.

We simply have a houseguest

who's recovering from some surgery.

Oh, I get it. Some hotshot celeb.

A little nip, a little tuck.

Hush-hush, right? - Ahem. Absolutely.

Well, smart you. The less who know, the better.

We'll just keep it between us.

All right, dish.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

What does hell freezing over have to do with--

Oh. - Good night, Miss Fine.

I can't believe you trust me to take care of your children,

you trust me to mail important documents--

Oh.

--and you don't trust me with one little itty-bitty secret?

That about sums it up.

So you're not gonna tell me who she is?

She

She! All right.

I know it's a woman.

And I know she's definitely not a redhead.

How do you know she's not a redhead?

Aha!

Not a redhead!

Mr. Sheffield, you're in way over your head.

You might as well just tell me.

Look, all you've succeeded in doing

is strengthening my resolve.

I'm not saying another word.

Oh... [PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Hold on.

It's Larry Fortensky on the phone.

Oh, uh, all right. I'll take it in the office.

Okay, okay. Ah! Liz!

Say hello to your mother for me.

Hi, Ma.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was working in A bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she do Where was she to go ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that The girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪The nanny named Fran ♪

Hi, Miss Babcock.

Maxwell isn't her. And if it's about the children,

I'm not interested.

And if it's about you, I'mreally

I just came in for a little girl talk.

With me?

Yeah. We're both women.

I don't care what Niles says.

So tell me, who does he got up in that room?

[LAUGHING] [GIGGLING]

It's just killing you, isn't it, that Maxwell and I

have little secrets that you know nothing about.

He didn't tell you either.

No. That tightlipped little scone head.

It's because we're women.

It's outrageous.

Men think they can't trust us.

Well, it's insulting. [SCOFFS]

Did you check the safe? - It's the first place I looked.

Oh, boy, this is just like Mission Impossible.

Remember when the little Japanese ballerina

would peel off her face, and it would be Martin Landau?

Ooh! Ooh!

I have located the black box. - Oh.

His laptop computer.

I can't believe he just leaves this lying around. [SQUEALS]

Miss Babcock.

Babs, baby.

Shh-shh-shh-shh. I'm busy--

Babby, honey.

No, no, it's all right. I do this all the time.

How do you think I know where he is every minute of the day.

Now, what was his password?

"Busted"?

No, Maxwell would nev--

Ooh-ho-hoo!

Oh-hoo-hoo. Maxwell!

Thank God you're here.

I was just looking for the--

The...

[MUTTERS NONSENSE WORDS] file, and...

Oh! I remember where I left that.

Stay out of the guest room.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, boy, you know,

you'd think she'd have better things to do with her time

than rifling through your stuff.

[MAXWELL CHUCKLES]

So, what brings you here, Miss Fine?

Oh, uh-- - No problem with the children?

Oh, no! Kids are wonderful.

Household running okay?

Oh. Like clockwork.

[CHUCKLES] Anything on fire?

No. No.

Then get out!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

You probably think that I'm snooping around

like Miss Babcock.

Well...

Let me just tell you something.

It's pretty sad, a man in your position

doesn't even know who he can trust.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Well, it can't be Loni because she's in court.

It can't be Melanie Griffith 'cause she's in court.

Christie Brinkley, court.

Court, court, rehab.

"Baby born with antler."

Wow, that sounds like the episiotomy from hell.

Hi, everybody.

Brighton Sheffield, what have you got there?

Oh, no, not another pet.

What? I'm good with animals.

Well, let's see. There were the goldfish,

the hamsters, the white mice, the turtle.

Our back yard is practically a pet Boot Hill.

Meanwhile, the roses were gorgeous this year.

Oh, look, Brighton's got a bird.

Polly want an afterlife?

Hey, my friend Justin has to get rid of it.

It's supposed to talk,

but all it says is "Raymond loves Lola."

Does it deserve to die for that?

Niles, Raymond is Justin's dad.

Lola is the upstairs maid.

Ah. Uh-huh.

Oh...well,

I bet they were bouncing more than quarters on those sheets.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, where was I?

Oh, look, Roseanne threw a party

to burn her "Tom" tattoo off her butt.

What does one serve at a thing like that?

I don't know. But at my cousin Steven's bris,

they served tri-tip.

Niles, that's what you're serving

to a celebrity for lunch?

Give her a sandwich.

Thisis

She has to eat everything through a straw.

It's vile. ThinkSilence of the Lambs.

[IMITATES HANNIBAL LECTER]

You know what? Let me bring it up to her.

I'm used to that sound.

You've obviously never seen my father

working a chicken neck.

Nice try, Miss Fine.

Well, you know, Niles, I mean, it's one thing

for Mr. Sheffield to keep a secret fromme,

but to giveyou such a slap in the face.

If I were you, I would walk myself right into his office

and demand that he tell you who's up there,

really loud.

Miss Fine, unlike you, I don't care who it is.

[GASPS] You know!

You betcha, baby.

Why would he tell you and not me?

Because Niles wasn't caught leading a conga line

with my filing cabinet.

You know, I knew you misread that.

That was static cling.

What is it with women, Niles?

They always want to know what isn't their business,

so they can share it with other women

whose business it also isn't.

Oh, if that isn't the most sexist thing

I have ever heard.

Like men don't gab.

Miss Fine, men aren't interested in gossip.

Absolutely not, I tuned out when

the Turnbulls' butler told me

about the little chippy the master has on the side.

Niles, that's old news.

It was all over the steam room months ago.

Including the fact that he's put her up

in an apartment in Trump Tower.

Mm, but do they also know he had the entire thing

done in leather?

No!

Which one of your girls is getting the bikini wax?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Did you call me?

[SNORING]

Oh, good, you're sleeping.

Shh-shh-shh-shh shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.

[SOFTLY] ♪ Lullaby, And good night ♪

♪ You're too short To be Candice Bergen ♪

[HUMMING "LULLABY"]

♪ Rule out Dolly Parton too ♪

Shh-shh-shh.

You know, you're very brave.

Surgery's not for me.

I'll stick with my thigh cream.

It tingles cellulite away.

I don't know if it works, but I don't hate it.

Fran. [YELPS]

You scared me.

Did you find out who it is yet?

Honey, what did I tell you about snooping?

That there should always be a lookout.

Good. Go wait in the hall.

Right.

[SOFTLY] Okay, now let's take a look at your eyes.

Hmm-hmm.

Brown.

Let's just see your mouth a little bit.

[SLURPING]

Not a straw.

Oh, honey, what were you worried about your looks for?

[GIGGLING SOFTLY] Stop it. That tickles.

Miss Fine!

Oh, yeah. Temperature's normal.

Drink plenty of fluids.

Just what do you think you're doing here?

Um, um...

"Daddy's coming"?

Right.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Well, I hope you don't think this ismy

Oh, of course not. Of course not. It's my fault.

Well, I forgive you. Now let's get on with our lives.

You may not have one much longer.

Well, none of this would've happened

if you had just told me who she was!

Cher.

Well, sharing is what it is all about.

Cher.

I know. Don't tell me!

Talk to him. I give and give.

You know, she's really very good with children.

But do you think that earns his trust?

No, he still won't tell me who you are.

Cher!

I heard you!

Are you sure it wasn't a head injury?

Grammy, Emmy,

Oscar.

[GASPS]

Rita Moreno?!

"Maggie stuffs her bra."

"Maggie stuffs her bra."

Come on, say it.

Master Brighton, stop torturing that bird.

It's very cruel.

Yeah, I think he's having a better day

than that Cornish hen you've got your fist in.

All right. Let's pick up where we left off.

"Miss Babcock's embezzling."

"Miss Babcock's embezzling."

Oh, I can't believe Cher sucked on my finger.

Just listen carefully, Miss Fine.

Cher trusts me to keep this thing quiet.

Oh, you know who would just die

if they found out Cher was here?

You will, Miss Fine.

You if anyone finds out.

My cousin Ira is her biggest fan.

He does an impersonation of her

in a drop-dead gorgeous Bob Mackie gown.

I'll tell you, why she's a star

when he's a kosher butcher...

Well, I guess it's all who you know.

Cousin Ira?

Hey, he's the best female impersonator

to come out of Queens.

No pun intended.

Look, Miss Fine, please, just promise me

you won't say a word about this to anyone.

Would you calm down? I can keep a secret.

Who am I gonna tell?

Hi, Fran.

I can't tell.

Tell me what?

Who the celebrity is recovering from surgery

up in the guest bedroom.

So stop hounding me!

All right. So can I have a soda too?

Well, there's only one left.

We'll have to share.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing, nothing.

Can we please change the subject?

[SIGHS] So tell me...

have your parents gotten that time-share yet?

No. They decided they didn't like Florida.

Why? The weather's so nice and sunny.

It was a bad neighborhood.

Full of gypsies, tramps and thieves?

[GASPS]

Oh, my God. It's Cher.

Who told you?

[CHATTERING, GENERAL HUBBUB]

Oh, wow. The house is surrounded by reporters.

Well, I wouldn't say "surrounded".

I mean, they're just on three sides

and the second-floor balcony.

I can't believe Dad didn't tell us Cher was staying here.

How did the press find out?

Oh, who knows?

Probably somebody blabbed to some friend...

who is about to die.

No. Back!

Back, you journalistic spawn of Satan!

Thank you very much and have a nice day.

[SIGHS] One must be firm but never rude.

Niles, I think you left Miss Babcock out there.

Oh, did I?

C.C.: Niles!

Oh, there she is.

[GENERAL HUBBUB]

Back!

MAXWELL: Miss Fine!

Are you speaking to me?

[IMITATING DESI ARNAZ] Miss Fine, you've got some 'splaining to do!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm sure you think

I have something to do with that.

But they could have found out in a million different ways.

Such as?

Um, um...

Hey, guys, the bird's finally talking.

Not now, Brighton.

Well, don't ignore the children.

You know, it's always business with you.

You gonna talk for us?

Speak, pretty bird, pretty bird.

BIRD: Val, it's Cher.

Could youplotz? [SQUAWKS]

Val, I can't believe you blabbed.

I only told one person. - Who?

My priest, Father Beretta.

That yenta?

Was he wearing his collar?

Ah, no.

Val, how many times do I have to tell you,

when they don't wear the collar,

it's like their fingers are crossed behind their back.

[SIGHS] This is just like

being called into the principal's office.

All right, all right. Here's what we're gonna do.

It'll be just like in high school.

I'll make up the story. You stick to it.

I was supposed to stick to it?

[WHINING] I'm gonna get suspended.

Sit.

I am most disappointed in you two ladies.

That's it, Val. We're not gonna get in to college.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So you find this amusing, Miss Fine?

No, Mr. Sheffield.

I expected more from you two.

[SOBBING] Oh.

Tears won't work in this office, Miss Toriello.

He's gonna call my mother!

Mr. Sheffield, please, let her go.

It was all my fault. I'll take the rap.

Again.

Thanks, Fran.

I gotta go to confession.

No names!

[MAXWELL SIGHS]

I just don't know what to say.

Thanks to you,

Cher is a virtual prisoner in this house.

Mr. Sheffield...

if I told you

that I had a way to solve everything...

would you forgive me?

Yes.

[WHINING] Got any ideas?

All right, ladies and gentlemen of the press,

Cher has agreed to this photo opportunity,

in the hopes that you might finally agree

to leave her alone.

All right? Thank you very much.

Thank you. Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me.

This had better work.

Would you relax?

My cousin Ira will do a few bits from his act.

Before the press get wise,

Cher'll be out the kitchen door

and back to pushing detangler on QVC.

Mm.

Oh, honey, is Cousin Ira ready?

He's dressed like a lady.

I know.

And I'll explain everything later.

Thank you.

What?

Oh, I-I was just thinking.

Before you came into my life,

I never had the need for an emergency transvestite.

I'm telling you,

Cousin Ira is gonna be the perfect distraction.

It can't fail.

Besides, there's no time to think of anything else.

[CHER'S "BANG BANG" PLAYS ON STEREO]

[MOUTHING LYRICS] ♪ I was 5 and you were 6 ♪

♪ We rode on horses Made of sticks ♪

♪ I wore black And you wore white ♪

♪ You'd always win the fight ♪

♪ Bang bang, you shot me down ♪

♪ Bang bang, I hit the ground ♪

♪ Bang bang, that awful sound Bang bang... ♪

Where was the last place he passed for Cher?

Sea World?

Oh, well, Ch-Cher just had surgery.

We'll tell them she's still on cortisone.

Well, the press certainly loved Cousin Ira.

You know, my Aunt Renie makes all of his costumes.

That thong he was wearing

used to be their hammock.

Yes, he was riveting.

Especially the part where his leotard failed.

I know. I mean, I've heard of runs,

but never a blowout.

Well, at least Cher got out safe and sound.

Yeah. Although I'm afraid Cousin Ira's having

one helluva time hailing a cab.

Ah, all's well that ends well, eh? Yeah.

I just hope you finally learned your lesson

about the consequences of idle female gossip.

Excuse me, sir. Mr. Turnbull to see you.

Raymond, what on earth are you doing here?

My son wants his bird back.

Oh, and by the way, I hope the press wasn't

too much of an inconvenience. - Press?

Yes, I'm the one that tipped them off.

You knew Cher was staying in the house?

Yeah. Max told me in the steam room.

You promised not to tell.

And you promised not to tell about

my girlfriend in Trump Tower.

I guess that makes us square.

Well, um...

Good night, Miss Fine.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]