Original subtitles

Morning, Niles.

God save the queen.

I don't look too much like a roll of Lifesavers?

Yes, but the flavor goes on and on.

Oh, Niles, it's always the quiet ones.

I wanna wear this to Mr. Sheffield's big opening night,

but I gotta practice sitting in it.

Whoa!

That looks natural.

Well, maybe if I sat on the aisle?

Oh. Oh, thanks.

Well, here it is, a full-page ad in today's paper.

"Opening tonight,Norma, a musical adaptation

ofNorma Rae, produced by Maxwell Sheffield

and C.C.Boobcock"?

"Boobcock"?

I proofread this ad copy myself, and then I gave it to Niles

to send to the messen...

...ger.

Oh, how embarrassing.

Someone at that ad agency must have it in for you.

Oh, who would've thought that I would love a musical

about a union organizer sorely in need of dress shields?

But I'll tell ya, I'm still humming the sweat-shop number.

Mm-hm.

So, Niles, you haven't told me

what you thought of the preview, hmm?

Oh, it was wonderful, sir.

Those three hours and 15 minutes flew by

like three hours and 10.

Yes, and what a novel idea not to have an intermission.

Yes, thank you. I'm very proud of the show.

Well, you should be.

I know my whole family is gonna see it.

We're union workers from way back.

My aunt Tessie was "or blouse."

What's "or blouse"?

You know, from the commercial.

♪ Look for the union label ♪

♪ When you are buying a coat Dress or blouse ♪

Yes, well, let's all break a leg tonight, shall we?

Oh, you won't need luck, Mr. Sheffield,

not with the hit play you've got on your hands, Mister.

[SMOOCHES]

Niles, I'm not kissing up.

It's a very important play.

If I don't sit through it again,

how am I gonna get to the party?

Come on. Don't you wanna hobnob with celebrities?

Miss Fine, I've been to scores of these,

and as yet no one has hobbed my nobs.

Well, maybe you should try

wearing something a little more low-cut.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

Fran, what do you think about this one?

Oh, honey, that is entirely too revealing.

No, no, no. It makes you look cheap and tawdry.

Go put it back in my closet.

Fran, Brighton says he can see up my dress

when I wear my Mary Janes.

Oh, sweetie, don't listen to him.

They make you look very leggy.

Oh, I see you're wearing the new Barbie underpants I bought you.

[SCREAMS]

Say, Fran, could I go to that new mall in Jersey

with Kyle and a couple of guys?

Which Kyle? The one with the braces

or the one that smells like cheese?

Uh, cheese.

Oh, good. The other one's weird.

How you gonna get there?

His brother's driving.

How long has he had his license?

A while.

A while, "10 years,"

or a while, "he still looks like the picture on his license"?

Oh, B, I don't think so.

I don't want you getting into a car

with a bunch of boys that just drive fast and act fresh,

and then the next thing you know,

you're hitchhiking on the Jersey turnpike

wearing much too much makeup for your age-- Oh.

I'm having a hypoglycemic attack.

I better have a Godiva.

Oh, cheer up, honey.

Hey, I've been to that mall.

They don't even have a Judy's there.

Besides, tonight's your father's big opening night.

What if you got stuck in traffic?

Then you'd miss the whole thing.

I'm not that lucky.

Hm...nougat.

Say, Dad, could I go to the mall with Kyle?

Well, I don't know. What does Miss Fine say?

Well, you see, she was kind of leaning towards no.

But between you and me,

I think she's just a little overprotective.

Which is fine for the girls,

but sometimes a man needs to get away.

Maxwell...

I know what you mean.

Well, all right. Off you go, huh?

Have fun.

Yesss!

♪ --terday ♪

♪ All my troubles Seemed so far away ♪

♪ Now it looks as though They're here to stay ♪

Well, the good news is, B, I'm usually a very fair nanny.

The bad news is,

it's the 28th day of the month.

Niles, how long are you gonna polish that couch?

The fumes are rather overwhelming.

After a while, you don't notice them, sir.

Hmm.

Oh, I couldn't resist the infomercial.

"Unwanted dirt just slides right off."

Voilà!

Cheers. Must be five 'clock somewhere.

I haven't been drinking, Nanny Fine.

I just... slid off the couch.

And Ted Kennedy's nose is just sun-damaged.

Mr. Sheffield, you got a second?

Yes. Well, Brighton--

Whoops! Time's up. Goodbye, Nanny Fine.

Oh, you're in a good mood.

Well, I'll take care of that.

Well, this sounds like a must-miss.

I have to pick up my dress from the cleaners anyway.

C.C.: Ooh!

[LOUD THUD]

It's also an excellent floor polish.

All right, Miss Fine,

what's all this about Brighton?

Well, we've got a little problem.

Brighton knew I didn't want him to go to the mall.

So he used you to undermine me.

Er, no, in all fairness,

he made it perfectly clear you'd already said no.

Oh, well, then I take it back.

We don't have a little problem.

We've got a big problem.

[SIGHS]

Miss Fine, don't you think

you're being just a bit overprotective?

Ah, it's a... It's a guy thing.

Yeah, I--

I thought it was appropriate to just let him go.

And just how did you think he was getting to Jersey?

He's going to Jersey!?

Just for the future, Mr. Sheffield,

when the kids say, "Fran said no,"

that's the big robot saying, "Danger, Will Robinson!"

You know, I could have stayed in England.

I'll make it simple for you.

Children are like a brassiere.

One part of me says, "Get out the window quick!"

But the other part just has to know why.

Because they divide and separate.

Ah.

Your mother never told you that?

No, but we always thought Mummy

should've talked more about her underwear.

My point is that you have to give me full support.

You must back me up no matter what.

All right, Miss Fine, I promise,

if you promise no more brassiere analogies.

Cross my heart.

[LAUGHS]

I don't want to hear that you don't wanna go tonight.

That man works very hard to put a roof over your head.

Now stop whining and go put on your party clothes.

Oh, all right.

Don't give me that look. - What look?

Oh, the look of anticipation, sir.

It's only four hours tillNorma.

Try to hold on, man.

[SMOOCHES]

Do you smell cheese?

Oh, that's Kyle.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Alrighty, I'm going to the mall like you said.

Uh, uh, I've changed my mind.

Brighton, you're staying home.

A-and when Miss Fine says no, it means no.

Hm.

Good afternoon, Munster... er, Master Kyle.

Dad, nothing's gonna happen.

Look, I think I've made myself perfectly clear.

Is someone making grilled cheese?

I think Kyle's just a little overheated.

Take your coat off, honey.

Hello, I'm, uh, Peter Bidwell.

I'll be driving the boys to the mall.

You must be Mr. Sheffield.

Yes. - How do you do, sir?

I saw your last play. Brilliant.

Really?

What was your favorite part? - No...

Mr. Sheffield... - Well, Miss Fine...

He seems like a perfectly responsible young man.

Yeah, too bad he's not the one driving. - What?

I'll bet you dollars for donuts this kid is the decoy.

We used to send Bridget O'Malley

in her parochial uniform to the door.

Meanwhile, behind the wheel is sittin' Debbie Kudler,

burning her boyfriend's initials in her forearm.

Watch and learn.

Lovely home you have here.

Peter, I've never met you before.

Where do you go to school?

Um, right around the corner.

Oh. Who are you studying with?

Hammacher or Schlemmer?

Uh...

Shhh...

Schlemmer?

Okay. Where'd they dig you up from?

The Gap.

How much are they paying ya?

Twenty.

Twenty?

Boy, Bridget used to do it for a pack of Kents.

Well, you're busted, you guys.

Uh, sorry, guys. No refunds.

Kyle, you paid him!?

Well, if he's not drivin', then I'm not goin'.

Get out.

Oh, man, that was close.

Brighton! - Allow, me, Miss Fine.

Brighton, you are grounded. - Ha.

Furthermore, you're not going to the show tonight.

Oh.

Oh. But I've only seen it once.

You should've thought of that before.

Oh, well.

Freeze!

Mr. Sheffield...

I think you're being just a little too severe.

He's really a good boy.

No, I'm not.

I'm bad, very bad.

He wants to come with us and see the play again.

All three acts.

Well...

Oh, but I don't deserve it!

Oh, baby, you do.

You really do.

FRAN: Mr. Sheffield.

Another opening, another shrimp.

Miss Fine, what were those two women

behind you complaining about?

Oh, who knows? Something about not being able to see.

What'd you think, Niles?

Hm? - Niles?

Nicks are up by two.

Maxwell, the photographers want to take a picture of us.

Go on, Nanny Fine. Free shrimp.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Mr. Sheffield, could we get a photo of you and Miss Boobcock?

Right. Now, shall we?

Wait a minute. Are the busboys on strike?

Oh, my God. Those poor people!

Who's gonna clear their tables?

Miss Fine, after you.

Mr. Sheffield, I can't go in there.

My mother had three rules.

Never make contact with a public toilet...

never, ever, ever cross a picket line...

What was the third one?

Oh, yeah, never wear musk oil to the zoo.

Miss Fine, you're embarrassing me. Now, come along.

I can't! My Aunt "Or Blouse" would roll over in her grave.

Which was paid for by her union.

Now, will you please come in before this

turns into a spectacle? - No, no!

I can't! Stop it. - Would...? Let's go, Miss Fine.

Would you please--? - No!

[CAMERA CLICK]

Mr. Sheffield's big night last night.

Well, you know what I'll do just to defuse the situation?

I'll tell him how adorable he is,

compliment him on his accent.

And if that fails, I can always turn on the tears.

He's a real sucker for crying.

Oh, hi, Niles.

Hello.

Can you drop me off at Unemployment?

Good morning, Miss Fine.

Entertainment section, please, Niles.

Oh, don't bother. I've already scoured the paper.

I didn't see any mention of our little incident.

It was a coupon?

Let's imagine what this picture would have look liked, hm?

Miss Fine!

How could you do this to me?

Well, I'm sorry, but the Fines don't cross picket lines.

It's against our religion.

Like eating pork.

Well, you eat bacon.

No, I don't!

You most certainly do too.

All right, but only if it's very crispy

or in a club sandwich.

And don't ever tell my grandmother.

She eats it as well.

Oh, all right, we all do.

Mr. Sheffield, what part of England do you come from?

You have such a gorgeous accent.

Miss Fine...

[WHINING] Well, you don't understand anything!

[MIMICKING] Oh, I understand a lot more than you think.

Oh, what's the use?

You blue bloods just don't know from us blue-collars.

[SCOFFS] Oh, so now I don't appreciate

the plight of the working man, hm?

Look, I have a job.

Ha!

I'm a working stiff, just like the next guy.

Oh, Niles, what is this on my shoe?

Daddy, I need the limo.

I have a riding lesson after school.

But I have a play date with Ivanka Trump.

One of you'll just have to take the town car, won't you?

[BOTH GIRLS SIGH]

There. See. We have problems just like everyone else.

Maxwell, you are never gonna believe what happened!

There was a message on your answering machine?

No, no. The box office does--

No!

The box office doesn't open for a hour,

and there's already a line around the block.

And wants us on her show today!

Oh! I love her.

She's the best. You know, Oprah goes up and down,

but Sally maintains her ideal weight.

C.C., Sally isn't inviting us to chat up the show.

She just wants to talk about

that bloody picket line incident.

Maxwell, Maxwell, Maxwell.

She isn't gonna be the only one with a mike.

I will just paint Nanny Fine as a...

disgruntled nut.

Disgruntled nut?

That could work.

Well, maybe we should go.

I suppose I could try some damage control.

Maxwell, leave it to me. I can fix anything.

You can fix anything?

C.C., there is a billboard in Times Square

that says "Boobcock".

Where's Steadman?

That'sOprah. This isSally.

Oh.

OVER P.A.: Five, four, three, two--

[APPLAUSE]

Well, today we have the producers ofNorma,

which opened on Broadway yesterday,

to rave reviews, I might add.

[APPLAUSE]

[UNDER BREATH] See, I told you you were worried about nothing.

Max, isn't it ironic that you are producing a play

that is pro-union...

and yet, you were photographed

dragging an employee across the picket line?

[APPLAUSE] - [CHUCKLES] I know, I know.

Oh, would you look at the size of that picture!

I wonder how much it would cost to get that framed.

Well, uh, Sally, first of all, I want to go on record as saying

thatNorma nearly 300 union members.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Nanny Fine is a disgruntled nut!

Oh, look, my name's on TV.

Well, look at who we have here.

Fran Fine, the nanny!

[APPLAUSE] - Hi, Sally.

Why don't you join them on stage.

Oh, no, I couldn't... [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Oh, well, for the people.

Why don't you move over, Miss, uh, Boobcock.

Max, did you know that there was a strike?

Well, no, of course not, Sally. But what was I supposed to do?

Everyone was already inside.

I mean, cast members, celebrities, the press.

I called Beefsteak Charlie's. They don't have a booth for 312.

Wow. That's a lot of important people.

What did you expect him to do, Fran?

Fran?

Fran!

Oh!

I'm sorry.

Well, you know, I understood why he crossed the picket line.

Why can't he understand why I couldn't?

I thought we were supposed to

back each other up, no matter what.

Oh, so I'm just supposed to play along with everything you say?

Apparently, I'm supposed to play along with everythingyou

Now-- - Hold it folks.

What--? Max, what are we really talking about here?

I mean, in one word.

Support.

Good.

Fran, in one word.

One word? Good bloody luck.

Hey, Mr. They-Had-to-Turn- the-Music-on-

to-Get-You-off-the-Stage- at-the-Tony-Awards.

[MOUTHS SILENTLY] SALLY: Kids!

Maxwell, will you at least concede that perhaps

you could have been a little bit more sympathetic

to Fran's feelings on the picket line?

Well, I suppose I...

Maybe...

Might...

Could've been...

I missed that, Sally.

You're gonna have to send me a transcript.

Well, look, it was a very important night for me.

You're important to me. Ergo, I wanted you there.

"Ergo"? Who's Ergo?

Sally, Sally.

Look, look, girlfriend!

Didn't you hear what the man just said?

He said you're important to him!

Is that what you said?

Yes.

[AUDIENCE SIGHS]

Well, why can't they just communicate?

You know, if we were running the world,

there'd be no wars, right, girls?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] MAXWELL: Right, right.

Right, because--

because there'd be so much bloody talk,

there'd be no time for war, isn't that true, gentlemen?

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Boy, that Sally is one fantastic interviewer.

She gets things out of you that you didn't even know were there.

That tax shelter where you hid all that money,

I don't know how that came out.

[CLEARS THROAT] Well, it wasn't a total disaster.

It seems our appearance shamed the hotel

into settling with the busboys.

Oh, that makes me feel good, 'cause, you know,

they work so hard, and all they really needed

was to be treated with a little human dignity.

I thought you'd like that.

They settled for $8 an hour.

What!? For bringing water?

That you have to ask 16 times for?

And then they take your plate before you're through.

Mmm. Then you know they're eating it in the back.

Oh, Niles, we are gonna have to get organized.

We're being exploited.

Amen. Would you like some foie gras?

Nah, I've had it up to here with beluga.

Yes, life is tough, isn't it, folks?

Mm, he should only walk a mile in my shoes.

Oh, Miss Fine,you walk a mile in your shoes.

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH HUM "LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL"]

♪ ..or blouse ♪

Oh, Sally is very classy.

The way she handled those bisexual Siamese twins...

I'll tell ya, Geraldo really sensationalized it,

but Sally handled it with a plum.

That's "aplomb," Miss Fine.

No, it was a plum.

What the devil do bisexual Siamese twins

have to do with a plum?