Original subtitles

[HIGH-PITCHED] Hello, my name is Maggie Sheffield,

and I'm a total geek.

You are so immature.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Yeah, Brighton, you're so immature.

[SQUEAKY LAUGH]

Miss Fine, your mother's 50?

Isn't she stretching the truth just a tad?

Please, the only thing stretched more

is Clinton's bicycle shorts.

Fifty billion served, and that's just the White House.

SYLVIA: Gee, I wonder if my daughter Fran is at home.

I will see if she is.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

Come on, kids, get ready.

Fran, how come we're practicing the surprise party?

Then it won't be a surprise.

Oh, sweetie, at your age a surprise is a big thrill.

At her age, they're already rubbin' two paddles together

and yelling, "Clear."

ALL: Surprise!

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Ma, I hope you fake it better with Daddy.

I was his first. What does he know?

Excuse me, Miss Sylvia, I just want to double-check the menu.

Er, meatballs, cocktail franks, cheese puffs.

Is there some reason you don't want your family

to handle silverware?

Darling, don't you know?

If it's on a toothpick, it's not fattening.

Ah.

Yeah, my Aunt Frida uses two like chopsticks.

She looks like a very heavily made-up praying mantis.

Doesn't she? [CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

Are there gonna be any boys my age at this party?

Maybe we can fix her up with little Cousin Irving.

Oh, he's a nice boy with a wonderful personality.

Oh, yeah, good idea, Ma.

Is he still ringin' the bell at Notre Dame?

God. - Don't worry, don't worry.

When I see him comin', I'll give you a very subtle sign.

Ah, there's the birthday girl!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're such a doll,

letting us have my party here.

You know, we only have oneterlet,

Morty's brothers are all coming.

Oh, oh, that reminds me.

Sweetie, go put anAir Wick Solid in every bathroom.

So, Miss Babcock, are you coming to my surprise party?

Ah, I'm afraid not.

And it's just killing us.

We're taking the train to Gene Shalit's for the weekend.

Gene Shalit!

Hoo-ha.

Is he sexy or what?

Ma, Gene Shalit, sexy?

Oh, you gotta stop inhaling when you spray your hair.

They're having a little gathering

before the Tony nominations.

Maxwell and I are sharing a guest cottage

right by the water.

How convenient, sir,

should you want to drown yourself.

Oh, Miss Fine, here.

Allow me to contribute

this exquisiteChambertin to your mother's party.

Oh. Maxwell!

I thought this wine was for our weekend.

I don't think the Fines would appreciate a vintage Burgundy.

Yes, we're very big on vintage beverages.

In our storage bin, we've got a case of Tab

from the Bay of Pigs.

All right, Maxwell, I'll meet you at the station.

I wanna pick up the perfect hostess gift for the Shalits.

What do you think would just make their weekend?

Miss the train.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, She had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

This'll be a great party.

A bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.

Learn to love it.

That's as close to a woman as you'll ever get.

I have two words for you.

Cousin...Irving.

Just think of this party as an educational experience.

Pretend you're Dian Fossey, observing the gorillas.

Just don't get too close when they eat.

You could lose a hand that way.

What's all that gunk at the bottom of the bottle?

Mm, honey, that's the best part.

It's the wine concentrate.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing with Mr. Sheffield's best Burgundy?

Uh, I'm making a sangria.

Does it need more Equal?

Two more packs.

Oh, Miss Fine, using that wine to make sangria

is like asking Pavarotti to singMuskrat Love.

He should only have the career Captain & Tennille had.

Oh, kids, before I forget,

go dig out my Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass album.

I really want this party to cook.

Oh, Niles, I thought that you made dip.

I did. That's porcini mushrooms,

shallots and chives.

Oh, now, I'm gonna have to go to the store

and get some onion-soup mix.

Well, I had to get the Pringles, anyway.

Cheer up.

Did I mention my cousin Sophie is coming today?

Don't tell me. She's smart and has a wonderful personality.

No, she's dumb as a post,

but she's built like a brick--

Say no more. Just give me a subtle signal.

Where's Maxwell?

Oh, I thought he was meeting you at the station.

He already left.

Niles!

I called and said that I would pick him up here.

I told you to give him the message.

Oh, I thought you said give him amassage.

I didn't think that was appropriate.

I'm not gonna let anything bother me this weekend.

As long as I'm here, I might as well pick up a little wine.

Put Maxwell in the mood.

Did I tell you we have a private compartment?

And tonight there's a full moon.

Well, I hope she packed a lot of Nair.

♪ Luck, be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck, if you've ever been A lady to begin with ♪

♪ Luck, be a lady to-- ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, no.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING] I can't believe this is happening.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[CRYING HYSTERICALLY]

[GASPS]

Okay, there must be another way out of here.

Miss Babcock, I OD'd on the Equal.

Could you pass me another bottle of Burgundy?

[SOBBING] Oh, Nanny Fine, I love you!

[SHRIEKS] You fool!

Boy, do you blow hot and cold.

You know, a lot of women go through their change early.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

You let the door close, and now we're trapped in here,

and I'm gonna miss my train.

Okay, calm down.

Don't panic.

Maybe I can fix it.

Sheesh.

No.

[YELLING] Help! Help! Help!

Save it. No one's gonna hear you.

This was originally built as a bomb shelter.

Hey, don't underestimate the power of these adenoids.

I once had next-door neighbors

that movedcloser to the airport.

Hey, this room is... very small, isn't it?

Why? Are you claustrophobic?

Oh, thank you.

Now you put it in my head.

And I'm reliving...

Loehmann's...dressing room.

Big sale.

Two hundred naked women all screaming,

"Where did you find that?"

I was clinging to my mother's girdle.

Dimples, dimples, everywhere.

And not one on a face.

And then...and then... and then--

Oh, look, an alarm box.

You know, if we cut the wires,

we can trip the system,

and the cops'll come and find us.

What have you got? - Uh...

[SHOUTS] Nail clippers!

Excellent.

[ELECTRIC ZAP]

[MOTOR RATTLES AND DIES]

Well, either that alarm is way too subtle...

or...

...I cut the fan off.

And now we can't breathe.

Oh, by the way...

What did you do that for?

Weren't you hysterical?

No.

Oh, my mistake.

Remember, when she walks in, we all yell, "Surprise!"

Why?

Because it's your daughter's 50th birthday.

Fifty?

She's got brassieres older than that.

If she's 50, then I'm--

What do you know, she's 50.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SYLVIA: I wonder if my daughter Fran is home.

I will see if she is.

ALL: Surprise!

Will you wait till she walks in?

Oh, my God. I had no idea.

Look at me.

We were on our way to see Shawshank Redemption.

Schmooey, come meet your Uncle Stanley.

What are you talking about?

Just go along with me.

Stan, look, Schmooey.

You haven't seen him since he was this tall.

He's getting bar-mitzvahed when you're on your cruise.

Sorry I'm gonna miss it.

Here.

This is from me and your Aunt Cookie.

Oh, thank you very much.

We split everything fifty-fifty.

Oh, I can't believe I'm missing the party.

I mean, how often does your mother turn 50?

Two, three times?

Here, have a drink.

It'll calm you down.

I don't drink.

What do you do when you're tense?

Hair.

What?

I do hair.

Don't even think about it.

Fine.

[SIGHS]

♪ Ninety-nine bottles Of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Ninety-nine bottles Of beer-- ♪

Can you do a nice little French twist?

So severe you want?

Well, let me see what I can do.

So tell me...

what's doin'?

I can't believe this is happening.

This was supposed to be the weekend when Maxwell and I--

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Well, last time we came this close.

Mm-hm.

Tilt.

We were coming back from a production in Sydney

when our plane had to make an emergency landing

in the Fiji Islands.

It was off-season, so it was deserted.

[MOUTHS SILENTLY]

Well, you can use your imagination.

Paint me a picture. Pretend I can't.

We were in the bar. We'd had a few cocktails.

Maxwell had that look in his eye. [CHUCKLES]

Mm-hm. [LAUGHING]

Well, he was too much of a gentleman.

Let me get this straight.

He was drunk,

you were the only woman on a deserted island...

..and he still didn't touch you.

And you thought Gene Shalit was gonna get him in the mood.

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm very worried about Fran.

Maybe she stopped to get your present?

She already gave me one.

What did you get me?

Did you forget, Ma?

Forget my little girl?

Don't insult me.

It's out there with all the other presents.

Oh, Ma.

Psst.

Get out there and put this on the biggest box.

Mint Chocolate Chip...

Jamoca Almond Fudge...

Pralines 'n Cream.

That's it.

That's 30.

Oh, my God. They lied.

Why? Thirty's a lot.

Is 31 so catchy?

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot the sherbets.

All right, I'll start again.

Vanilla--

[SHOUTS] Stop it!

You know, this reminds me of when Blair and Tootie

got caught in Mrs. Garrett's walk-in freezer.

Thank God Natalie went in for a midnight snack.

Surprise, surprise.

These are the topics we can no longer discuss.

what Woolite can and cannot do,

anyone with the last name "Cassidy"...

odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans.

All right, okay.

But you're really restricting the conversation.

Meanwhile, look how gorgeous your hair looks.

[MOUTHS SILENTLY]

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

I got one word for you.

Styrofoam.

But that's not biodegradable.

Who's asking you to eat it?

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing hiding over here by yourself?

Well, actually, I'm trying to avoid

running into this geek, Irving.

I'm Maggie.

I'm Irving.

Good lord!

[HIGH-PITCHED] What are you doing home?

Niles, what is going on here? Look at this place.

Where's Miss Fine?

Oh, she's missing. - Missing?

Shh, keep your voice down, sir.

I don't want to alarm anyone.

It's very strange, Niles.

Miss Babcock's gone missing too.

Yippee!

Why won't you play truth or dare?

Because all your truths are so boring.

[WHINES] Come on.

No!

I'll let you do my makeup. - Okay.

Okey-dokey, ask me.

Truth or dare.

Mm, I pick...

truth.

Okay, if you could spend the night with anyone,

who would it be?

We both know, game's over. Suck in your cheeks.

You never know. My answer may surprise you.

All right. Shoot.

[WHISPERS] It's Maxwell.

Get outta town.

Oh, to think that right now we could both be lying

in front of a fire, my head on his chest,

him gently stroking my hair.

Honey, take some deep breaths. You're running out of oxygen.

You're right. Who am I kidding?

He doesn't care about me.

My therapist says I'm obsessed with him.

How much did you have to pay to find that out?

If only he weren't so darn attractive.

He is cute.

Oh, tell me about it.

That little gray streak in his hair just makes me...

[SHUDDERS]

Now, you see, that would be the first thing I'd get rid of.

Too Pepé Le Pew.

Have you ever seen him in a bathing suit?

No! [BOTH LAUGHING]

Too bad. [BOTH LAUGHING]

I've seen him naked, though. Does that count?

Wha--?

When?

Oh, relax. It was an accident.

I walked in on him in the shower.

Forget it. He locks now.

Oh, the truth is...

he's ruined me for other men, you know?

You?

Next to Mr. Sheffield,

all the guys that I date seem like real morons.

Gee, I wonder if that's 'cause...

all the guys that I date are

At least you date.

I'm gonna wake up one morning a dried-up old spinster.

Quiet. Wait.

Oh, if that didn't bring Niles down, we're doomed.

Who cares? I might as well die.

Then I can at least haunt Maxwell.

And don't think I won't be shakin' a few chains

in the butler's pantry.

Stop it!

You're scaring me.

Oh, who cares? Nanny Fine, face it.

Get out of this house while you can,

or you're gonna end up just like me.

[SCREAMS] No!

Oh, there you are. We've been looking all--

Stand back! Stay away from us, you destroyer of girls' lives.

What?

Go, tell him, sister.

Maxwell, thank God.

She never shuts up.

She's been saying the most terrible things about you.

Ladies, ladies, calm down.

Come on, let's go upstairs where we can talk about this.

You're obviously very shaken after your orde...

C.C., have you done something with your hair?

Oh, Miss Babcock. - What?

You left your purse. - Ooh.

Darling, this was the best party ever.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

You know, next year, I think

we should invest in a new "Happy Fiftieth" banner.

This one says "Vote Dukakis" on the back.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Good night.

Good night.

So, Niles, did you letit out?

Yes. And the villagers were not happy.

Meanwhile, where haveyou for the last hour?

[LAUGHS]

So you met my cousin Sophie. Nice, huh?

Yowza. [GIGGLES]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, come on, Yetta. Daddy's honking.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

And if you find a nice diamond cocktail ring,

you could send it to me at the home.

Yetta, you don't have a diamond cocktail ring.

I'm just saying... if you find one.

[MAXWELL CLEARS THROAT]

Some night, huh? [CHUCKLES]

What?

Well, I just can't help thinking about

you and Miss Babcock being stuck together.

I mean, what on earth did you find to talk about?

Oh, you know, this and that.

Your hair came up.

Really? - Yeah, she don't like it.

She thinks you look like Pepé Le Pew.

Miss Fine, can I tell you something in confidence?

It's, uh-- It's about Miss Babcock.

I'm all ears.

Well, I-- I rather think she has a thing for me.

Get outta town.

Well, since we're exchanging confidences,

she did mention that close encounter on Fiji.

Oh, I remember that.

Cocktails in the bar?

No. Quinine at the British consulate.

I was taken deathly ill. They rushed me to hospital.

I was delirious for days.

Well, apparently delirium ran rampant on that trip.

Beg your pardon? - Oh, nothing.

I'm just sorry that you had to miss your weekend

at Gene Shalit's.

Actually, I felt like I was there.

Your Aunt Ida bears a striking resemblance to him.

You know, I told her,

if she's gonna dye her hair, do the mustache too.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

That's 75 for you and 185 for me.

Hey, you said fifty-fifty. That's not fair.

Let's talk fair.

You live in a mansion.

I live in a home.

You got your whole life ahead of you.

I got one, two weeks tops.

You can eat corn.

Here, let me show you something.

Oh, take it. Take it all.