Original subtitles

WOMAN: Oh, my God, will you look at that?

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

What is that? - Oh, no.

Fran's giving her mother's canasta group

a tour of the house.

Cover your cheeks!

And this is the very piano

once played by Mr. Marvin "The Way We Were" Hamlisch.

[LADIES SQUEAL] - Don't push, Frida.

Oy, ever since they took you off the estrogen,

you're so aggressive.

Not to mention that five o'clock shadow.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Sorry. My girl doesn't do windows.

I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin.

Meet me in the kitchen,

and I'll clean behind the refrigerator.

And this is the famous Sheffield guest bathroom.

I don't wanna drop names,

but Liz Taylor did not leave White Diamonds in there.

Celebrities coming, going.

I don't know how my Fran stays so down to earth.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, Ma, please.

People are people.

We're all the same under the eyes of...

[SHE GASPS] Ben Vereen!

Oh, my God!

Ohh!

[LAUGHING] Oh, oh!

DoRoots,

And who are these lovely ladies?

Uh, I'm sorry, Ben.

This is my nanny. - Hi.

Her mother and, uh...

The 1948 Israeli luge team?

DoPippin,

Miss Fine, please.

So I guess a highlight

ofTenspeed and Brown Shoe would be out of the question?

[LAUGHS]

So you're the one who saw that. - Uh-huh.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

C.C.: Nanny Fine!

What? Mr. Vereen is a very busy man.

Comin' through, comin' through!

Now, can I give you a lift back to the hotel?

He can ride in the basket with Toto.

[LAUGHS]

Ben, Ben, this show has been a passion of mine for 20 years.

And now with you,

we have a surefire hit on our hands.

I hope I still have the moves.

[LADIES CHEERING]

Bravo, bravo!

I guess I do.

FRAN: I love you!

I love you! [GIGGLES]

Well, you see, people are people.

He touched that, it's mine.

MAXWELL: Yes! I can't believe

this play is finally happening.

Now, if we can just get the financing in place.

Fran, come here. - What, Ma?

We want to invest our canasta winnings

in Mr. Sheffield's play.

Yourpishke? - Yeah.

Oh, Ma, don't be too fast and loose with yourpishke.

What?

It hasn't been touched in years.

Oh! All right.

Mr. Sheffield, they want to give you theirpishke.

Oh, well, she seems like a lovely woman, but--

No.

This is Frida.

Thepishke from playing cards.

[LAUGHS] Oh, goody. We're made.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What my partner means to say is,

though we appreciate

your enthusiasm for the theater, ladies,

we cannot possibly accept your--

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

You're in!

[CHEERING]

[THEME TUNE PLAYS]

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one Of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪

♪ But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

[THUNDER RUMBLES] Niles!

That's the spread you're putting out

for Mr. Sheffield's big investor?

My mother's got money in this show.

I want him walking out with his pants spread

and an Alka-Seltzer foaming out of his mouth.

Miss Fine, this is beluga caviar,

$100 an ounce.

Niles, shopping tip.

Lumpfish, Price Club, $1.99.

It can fill up your whole bathtub.

All right, Niles.

Charles Haste will be here any minute.

What, is this all you're serving?

Told you so.

Niles, I want everything to be perfect.

I've been wanting to do this play

since the beginning of my career,

and now finally C.C. has found an investor

that shares my vision.

Oh, well, what's he do?

He's a garbage man.

But a very wealthy and acclaimed one.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, look at you.

You seem like a virgin on your wedding night.

Not that I would know.

Uh, because I've never been married.

Where the devil's C.C.?

Well, it is raining outside, sir.

Perhaps she melted.

Shall I see if there's a pointy hat

and Chanel suit lying in the street?

Well, let's just hope my trashman comes through,

or we'll lose the theater, lose Ben Vereen,

and it could be 20 years

before the pieces come together again.

Well, then, what would happen to my mother'spishke?

Oh, well, surely, Miss Fine, your mother realizes

that investing in the theater is a risky business.

You're talking about a woman whose idea of risk

is wearing white pants to Tony Roma's.

Besides, she's already decided how to spend the profit.

She's gonna get her whole face redone.

Oh, Miss Fine, it's a little premature.

Really? I thought she was long overdue.

No, Miss Fine, it's premature to spend it.

I mean you, you never know

which way a play is gonna go.

Well, I don't like the sound of this at all.

You said it was a surefire hit.

That's my job, to get investors.

Believe me, I've tried all the other arguments.

"Wanna throw your money down a rat hole?"

"Theater is dying." All of those.

But, oddly enough, the surefire hit routine

is somehow more enticing.

Well, how much of your own dough

did you stuff down this turkey?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, I never invest in my own plays.

Well, it would be rather like a doctor operating on himself.

Oh.

Although I got a cousin who's a urologist--

Yes.

Poor Pee-wee's off the air,

and my cousin's still practicing.

Maxwell, is he here yet? 'Cause I am hot today.

Some twit of a tourist tried to cheat me out of a cab.

I stunned him with my umbrella

and kneed him right in the big apple.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know why some nice guy hasn't snatched her up.

Oh, my God, my hair!

Look, C.C., I'm counting on you.

Haste fancies himself a bit of a ladies man,

so please do what you have to to make yourself presentable.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Shall I open the roof

and strap her to a lightning rod?

[HISSES]

No pressure, Miss Babcock, but, you know,

if you don't make this happen,

I know 12 canasta ladies that are gonna come after you

like the last piece of pastrami

on a tray full of head cheese.

Miss Fine, please.

I'm going, I'm going.

[DOORBELL RINGS] - All right.

Let's just hope Mr. Haste is in a generous mood.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Hate show business already.

I had a harder time getting here

than I did coming down the birth canal.

Charles Haste. How you doing?

Maxwell Sheffield, hello.

What on earth happened to you?

Well, I was just getting into a taxi

when some big blond woman kneed me in the groin,

and then she clobbered me with some hideous green umbrella.

So, uh...

where's your partner, C.C.?

You know, she's the best fax I ever had. [CHUCKLES]

Well, Charlie, wh-what do you say we just

keep this between us boys, eh?

Oh, I gave that up in camp, Sheffy.

Let me tell you why I'm getting into showbiz.

I have made zillions in waste management.

But you just don't see a lot of leg.

And if you do, you're calling Homicide.

[LAUGHS]

What exactly are you saying?

What I'm saying, no chick, no check, no deal.

MAXWELL: Oh. - Maxwell, is he here yet?

Oof!

Who's that? Uh, that?

Oh, you might as well know,

that was my partner, Miss Babcock.

All right, come on out, C.C.

Oh, no.

Do I have a run in my Hanes?

Wh--

That's not a run, that's just a little snag.

Oh.

You got some clear polish? I'll fix it for ya.

Er, Miss, uh-- - Babcock, how do you do?

What?

You sounded a little different on the phone.

Uh...I switched to MCI.

Oh, why?

Because I have a lot of friends and family.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

What's that?

Uh, the dog.

We put her away because

we didn't want her to jump your leg.

We really need to have her fixed.

Shall we?

Maxwell, Nanny Fine can't possibly pass for me.

She isn't in my class.

She doesn't have my breeding.

Then perhaps she won't lick herself in front of company.

Maxwell, are you gonna let him

talk to me like that?

Yes.

You attacked our investor.

That's bad, C.C., very bad.

Maxwell-- - Sit.

Is he gonna hit her with a rolled-up newspaper?

All right, we have exactly three minutes to teach you

everything Miss Babcock knows about the theater.

We can do that and make a two-minute egg.

First, we open in Philadelphia.

Oh, Philly, great.

My Aunt Selma lives in Philly.

She's the one with the miracle ear.

Oh, a bit deaf, eh?

No! She has a miracle ear.

When you look way inside, you can see the Virgin Mary.

She can't even get her ears pierced

because they keep healing.

This is absurd.

Miss Fine, please!

Miss Babcock. - Miss Babcock.

BOTH: What?

Oh.

You better call me C.C.

After all, we have been partners

for over 10 years.

She's right, there needs to be a certain level of intimacy.

I've always said that.

HASTE: Sheffield?

Get out, get out!

Out, out out! - Maxwell, it's raining!

So where'd you guys disappear to?

We had to put the dog out.

All right, Sheffield,

now, I've got a couple of questions about the play.

Now, the first--

Does she ever wear pants?

'Cause then I'm out.

Now, second, where's the play open?

Oh, I know that. I know that.

[THUNDER RUMBLES] I...

Miss Babcock, would you like some cream cheese?

We open in Kraft.

We open in Philly, Miss Fine--

Uh, Babcock. The fine Miss Babcock.

Oh, that she is.

But, uh, moving on.

Act One...it's trash.

I beg your pardon.

It's a touching, well-crafted--

Oh, it's got flies on it, Sheffy.

I mean, we need a rock 'em, sock 'em opening number.

Yeah, people go to the theater after dinner.

They got gas. They need cover.

Right, we need a big number

so people can open their candy wrappers.

Which they'll then throw on the floor.

More garbage!

Oh, that intermission is gonna sound like

Massachusetts in the fall.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, about that check.

I'm gonna give you that check tomorrow evening over dinner.

I've made reservations at the Rainbow Room.

I love that place!

Oh, what a success story.

They must do 20, 30 dumpsters a night.

No! - Uh, C.C.? C.C.?

I'll pick you up at 8:00. Where do you live?

Well, uh... [CHUCKLES]

You'd think I lived here. I'm such a freeloader.

Perhaps you have a business card in your purse.

Good.

No,your

That's...my

It's the rage in Europe.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Okay, let's see.

We've got Retin-A and collagen.

Oh, here, what's this?

Oh, the bill from my shrink.

Whoa, am I unhappy!

407 East 86th Street. I'll send a limo.

Niles, did you forget something?

Oh, yes. Quite right, sir.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[TAPPING]

[TAPPING]

[BANGING] [INAUDIBLE SHOUTING]

Oh, man, I'll never get this game.

What do you do if you have four queens?

Gather round the piano and sing songs fromGypsy.

Hi, guys.

Oh, wow.

Fran, you look so hot in that dress.

Uh-oh. I'm supposed to look like Miss Babcock.

I tried to dress conservatively.

Niles, can you picture Miss Babcock in this dress?

Not if I ever want to function as a man again.

Sorry, Maggie, but three kings beat four queens.

They do? - Mm-hm.

Brighton, that is a big fat lie.

Didn't I teach you anything?

Gee, I don't know, C.C.,

Well, that's an entirely different thing.

I am not lying. I'm just pretending,

like in one of your father's plays.

Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor?

No. You're thinking of Steven Seagal.

Besides, why aren't you playing hide-and-seek

with your sister Gracie?

She's been up in that hamper for three-and-a-half hours.

Oh, she'll show.

How many days can she go without food?

Well, about as long as you can go

without thatPlayboy that's rolled up

inside your Lincoln Logs.

Ready or not, here I come!

Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Miss Babcock.

Help me get into character.

Hit me with your best shot.

Oh, no, Miss Fine, I couldn't possibly.

Oh, come on. "Hello, hello,

I'm C.C. Babcock, off to go to work."

Your usual corner?

Oh.

I'm sorry. Miss Fine, don't make me do this.

"I'm Miss Babcock,

and I'm off to get money... from a man."

Don't forget your change belt.

Oh.

I hate myself. [THEY LAUGH]

Do it again. [LAUGHS]

No, I have to go.

Oh, come on, one more? I'm hot.

Oh, all right.

And I'll make this one easy.

"Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired."

Dog...tired? Come on.

A drink for the dog. I don't hear anything.

Oh, uh, uh...

Oh, Niles, get a life.

Uh, oh...

Oh, oh! I've got, I've got it!

I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl.

Officer.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi.

You finally got here.

Oh, this is nice.

Very warm.

Which way to Radiology?

Let me guess.

The Heidi Fleiss Collection?

You told me to wear something designer.

All right, I have prepared a short dossier on myself.

[SIGHS]

Where I grew up...

went to prep school...

when I came out.

You came out?

What are you always sniffing around Mr. Sheffield for?

My coming-out party, Miss Fine.

I know. I heard you.

You know, now you and your special friend

can dance together at Disneyland.

Oh, aren't these lovely?

Ooh, who are these people in the picture?

That's my brother, and that's my sister.

Oh. Wow, isn'the

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

Come on. Who is he?

Oh, just someone. It's not important.

Oh, tell me, tell me.

He came with the frame, okay?

Oh, honey,

there's nothing to be ashamed of.

A lot of grown women do that.

[UNDER BREATH] So pathetic.

All right, now what do I do

if Haste wants something to drink?

Oh, I've got gin, vodka, bourbon.

You don't have anything a little softer?

Rum?

It's a good thing that I carry a can of Clamato with me.

Plus, if ever you hit a skunk--

Nanny Fine.

Meanwhile, Miss Martha Stewart,

with half-a-million dollars coming,

would it have hurt to squeeze a little cheese on a Ritz?

Please, concentrate.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

Who do you think it is, Ed McMahon?

Get in the closet.

Charlie, hi.

Hello! Come on in, take a load off.

That check must be heavy.

[HE CHUCKLES]

So this is your apartment?

Uh-huh.

Doesn't look like you at all.

[LAUGHS] Go hire a straight decorator.

For you, C.C.

Oh, how lovely.

Thank you so much.

Did you bring the half-a-mil?

C.C., I've been thinking.

I don't want to invest that much.

You don't?

No. I want to double it!

[C.C. MOANS]

Poltergeist.

I got the apartment really cheap,

but I can't watch TV.

Gonna put those flowers in a vase?

Oh, yeah, sure, of course.

If only I could figure out where I put my vases.

Perhaps in the kitchen.

Right, the kitchen. Of course!

That's a linen closet.

The maid was here today.

She never puts anything back where it belongs.

Now, if I were a maid,

where would I put the kitchen?

Oh, bingo.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Aren't you gonna get that?

Nah, it's just my idiot neighbor.

You live in 6B!

Maxwell, what are you doing here?

C.C., I've come to my senses.

This is not how I do business.

Are you crazy? He is throwing money at her,

and she didn't even have to put out.

Hors d'oeuvres, the cat.

Anything...really.

I don't care how important this play is to me.

Nothing is worth this.

He's up to a million.

They're coming. Get in the closet.

I wouldn't eat that shrimp if I were you.

God knows how long it's been in there.

Oh, C.C., I'm an expert on garbage.

This baby's got two, three hours before it turns.

Want a bite? - Uh, no.

As appealing as hepatitis sounds...

yellow is just not my color.

Well, let's talk about us.

You see, I-I think, uh,

you and I see eye to eye.

Uh, those aren't my eyes.

Well, don't you know that little bald middle-aged men

have very high levels of testosterone?

An ironic twist of fate.

You see, I say, let's dump Sheffield

and make this a duet.

You said on the phone that you're the brains,

and he's just a pretty face in a blazer.

I

How dare... me.

[WHISPERING] I said,

you were pretty great

and a trailblazer.

Damn cellular phones.

Let me tell you something.

Maxwell Sheffield is a man of vision.

Sure, he passed onCats. Not one of his finest hours.

But when everybody was going crazy

wondering where to put the Fiddler,

he's the one that said, "Stick him on the roof."

What does Sheffield really have

that I don't have?

Well, for starters, he doesn't have

a shrimp vein hanging out of his tooth.

Mr. Sheffield is a man of integrity.

When he believes in a play, he will stick by it

even if it takes him 20 years to mount.

Whilst I, C.C. Babcock,

will mount just about anything.

[WHISPERS] Oh, there must be a gun in here somewhere.

I'll say she was a burglar.

If you're going to stick with that no-talent Limey loser, then--

Hey, hi, Sheffield.

Oh, she goes in, he comes out.

This is like a David Copperfield special.

Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?

Just throwing out the trash.

C.C.: Charlie!

[LAUGHING] Do you want to hear

a really funny story?

Hello there. Mr. Sheffield.

You were worried about me

so you were peeking through the keyhole?

Oh, how sweet.

You don't do that at home, do you?

[SIGHS]

Oh, Niles, my mother's gonna be here any minute.

How am I gonna tell her

that she doesn't have a pot topishke

[CHUCKLES] Just tell her the truth.

Oh, right. The truth, of course.

I'm a grown woman. I don't have to be afraid

of my own mother. - Right.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Besides, she's slowed down ever since her thighs met.

She wears corduroy slacks, she could roast a marshmallow.

Hi, Ma. Hi.

How you doing?

Ma, I got something to tell you,

but I'm scared you're gonna yell.

Darling, you're scared of your mother?

I could just smack you.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Meanwhile, when's the last time

you called your poor mother?

An ocean away in a drafty country,

eating French fries from a newspaper?

Mommy?

Just promise me you're not gonna yell.

Why would I yell?!

Good evening, ladies.

Mr. Sheffield, I was just gonna tell my mother

about her investment.

Oh, yes, as a matter of fact,

I have some good news on that front.

I found a new investor, and you are looking at him.

Oh, well, I thought that you never

invested in your own plays.

Which, frankly, I always found to be very fishy.

Well, I hear this one's being produced

by a man of vision and integrity.

Oh, Sylvia, you'd have been very proud of your daughter.

Oh, we don't need to tell her this.

She turned down one of the wealthiest men in the country,

and she did it out of loyalty to me.

So that's what you were afraid to tell me,

that you turned down a millionaire.

Franny, you don't know your mother very well.

Oh.

Excuse me, is this oven gas?