Original subtitles

Niles. Hm?

Brighton says my uniform makes me look like a dork.

I wear a uniform. Do I look like a dork?

Remember what happened to Gretel.

I see we've customized our Red Robin uniform.

Believe me, you sell more cookies my way.

Does anybody know what today is?

Another one of your colorful holidays involving plagues?

Hey, don't knock the Jewish holidays.

They get you out of more school than mono.

No, one year ago today was the day

that Danny dumped me for Heather Biblow,

which would make one year ago tomorrow

the day that Heather found Nair in her Pert Plus...

which would make Friday the day

that she bought her first Eva Gabor wig.

Grab the wheel, Miss Fine. You're swerving.

Oh. Sorry.

Which would make Saturday the first anniversary

of the day that I started to work here.

Oh, it seems like only yesterday

when you called the Orkin Man

when I served escargots.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't care how rich you are.

You don't eat something

that leaves a trail of slime behind it.

Oh, don't you look adorable in that uniform.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

I was talking to Grace, Miss Fine.

Oh. - But you do look--

Well, I know Red Robins are always prepared,

but for what?

Well, you're just gonna have to earn a merit badge

to find out. Hm.

It was very sweet of you to volunteer

to be Grace's troop mother, Miss Fine.

Oh, my pleasure.

That's the last time I ever scratch my armpit in public.

Miss Fine, will you be free Saturday night?

Saturday? Why?

Well, I'd rather not discuss it.

I just want to be sure you can be here.

I'm all yours, and I have been for a year.

Oh, I can't believe he remembered.

Is he a doll or what?

You know, if he asks, I don't expect anything--

Size five.

I have never felt so wanted or appreciated--

Bloomingdale's, 3rd floor.

Well, I just hope he doesn't go overboard--

Diamonds are forever.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪ But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would've guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Sre actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

Okay, Red Robins, now survival tips.

Listen closely, 'cause the proper knot

can save your life.

You're in the woods, you look around.

All of a sudden you squish a bug...

right here.

[GIRLS GROANING] - Disgusting!

Well, the proper slipknot

not only can conceal those unwanted bug guts,

but it also creates a flattering neckline

and gives the illusion of cleavage.

You're a born leader, Miss Fine.

Well, you know, I was leader of my Weight Watchers group.

You had a weight problem?

Oh, yeah. I once woke up with a Milky Way in my mouth.

I still don't know how it got there.

Where you goin'?

We're going to Macy's to buy a present for--

Someone. Not you.

Yeah, for my friend...

Mark.

Oh, Mark. What are you gettin' him?

Chanel No. 5.

Oh, well, perhapsMark

a lighter, more floral scent--

Jean Naté,L'Air du Temps.

But...

it's the thought that counts.

[MUTTERS] Take your father's credit card.

Okay, ladies.

Now, today's field trip,

we're going to my grandma's retirement home,

and you're each going to adopt your very own grandma.

What's the pink tissue for?

Oh, give that to your grandma.

It makes a lovely wrist and brassiere strap ornament.

Nanny Fine, you are not going to make

those decrepit old ladies feel any younger

by bringing in these vibrant, wrinkle-free girls.

This is notCocoon.

Well, how would you feel if you were alone and forgotten,

without any friends?

Oh, bad example.

I know when I'm old, I'd rather be in a dark room

with the drapes drawn, the mirrors covered

and a really big bottle of NyQuil.

Not me.

I'm gonna be a platinum-blond prune down in Miami,

just pulling up my tube top

and cha-cha-cha-in' with the cabana boys.

I'd rather die young.

And we're all pulling for you.

We don't go young in my family.

No, we Fines like to linger

and be a burden to others

for as long as possible.

FRAN: Okay, Red Robins,

now, remember your manners - no loud noises,

and whatever you do, don't unplug anything.

Cupcakes, tissues - okay, go find your grandmas

and introduce yourselves.

Hi, Grandma Yetta.

Mwah!

Boy, are you a big Robin.

What, were you left back?

Yetta, it's Fran.

Fran?

Where's Kukla and Ollie?

Yetta, if you're gonna live in the past,

pick the Renaissance.

Why didn't you sign up for a Red Robin

like everybody else?

I'm not a joiner.

Look at them, staring atJeopardy!

like they know... -[BELL DINGS ON TV]

...European monarchs for 500.

Most of them can't remember their room number.

Oh, Gracie, honey,

why aren't you talking to your new grandma?

Mrs. Kramer wasn't in her room.

They said she checked out.

Maybe she moved to Florida.

No, they said she bought a farm.

Farm? The woman couldn't grow a wart.

Well, maybe she was going to the well tokick the bucket.

Oh, you don't have to paint me a picture.

Gracie, sweetie, the grandma that was assigned to you

passed away.

Oh. Can I eat her cupcake?

Sure, sweetie.

Kids are so resilient.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

You were definitely supposed to get a live one.

Fran, Kramer's room was on a corner.

That's cross-ventilation, Yetta.

Has anyone moved in yet?

ALL: Bye.

Bye, my beautiful Red Robins.

Fly. Fly.

Fly...

the hell outta here.

I am guessing the field trip was less than a total success,

considering there was a body count.

[HIGH-PITCHED GROAN]

Fran, I don't wanna be a Red Robin anymore.

Oh, come on, honey.

One old lady dies on you

and you're already turned off

to the whole Red Robin experience?

[DOORBELL DINGS]

[SHOUTS] I'll get it.

Sit down and relax. We'll watchCourt TV.

Uh, who's on?

The Menendez boys.

They're back for a second season.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Livingston, Heather's mother.

Oh, come in.

Is that Heather with the freckles

or Heather with the extra pinkie?

Oh, it's a real treat watching her sip tea.

Miss Fine, this is a little awkward.

We're making a change in our domestic staff,

and the kids all say such great things about the Sheffield home.

Well, in the short year that I've been here,

I have added a certain element of style

and panache to this house.

Hm. When did I eat corn?

Miss Fine, let me finish.

No, it's very flattering, but I can't even consider it.

Even if you doubled my salary

and offered me an El Dorado

in the Bill Blass color scheme...

I'd have to turn you down.

Who'd pay the insurance?

Not you, Miss Fine. Niles.

Niles would pay my insurance?

No, we want Niles.

Could you just find out for us if he's happy here?

Oh. Well, what is it, that fancy English accent?

'Cause, if I wanted to, I could talk with an accent too.

What was wrong with the blouse I picked out for Fran?

Oh, no. It was cheap and incredibly tacky.

You could see right through it.

And what's the downside of that?

I wanna get her something she doesn't already have.

Hi, kids.

Fran, if you were...

Uh... Mark?

BOTH: Yeah, Mark.

Um, would you like a pair of earrings?

Oh, I think Mark would love the earrings.

Just make sure they're clip-ons.

Mark doesn't have pierced ears?

No, his lobes are too fatty.

It runs in his family.

[KNOCKING] Mr. Sheffield, I hope I'm not bothering

like you're talking to some caterer about something--

Shrimp cocktail, rumaki.

Miss Fine, we're in a bit of a crunch here.

Do you have anything to say

that's even remotely comprehensible?

Oh, all right, all right.

But I did want to tell you this in private.

Follow my eyes?

What, you don't want to talk in front of the lamp?

Wha--? Oh, Niles!

Oh, you can speak freely in front of him.

We have no secrets in this house.

That's because he listens at the door.

How else would I hear you scratching to get back in?

Well, someone is trying to hire away

one of your most valued domestic employees.

Niles? - Well, I didn't say that, but, yeah, Niles.

How'd you guess?

Well, scarcely a day goes by

when I don't get a telephone call

requesting Niles.

An employee of his skills and breeding

is always in demand.

I'm hot.

Well, next time you get one of those calls for me,

you just tell them I'm not interested.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Wi-- will do, Miss Fine. [NILES CHUCKLES]

What's so funny? - Uh, uh, nothing.

No one ever calls for me?

Well, actually, there was one.

See? Your mother.

Um, "Clairol's, uh, Loving Care gives better coverage."

What's she telling me that for?

Nanny Fine, I don't want to be rude--

Hmm, since when? You're right.

Get out.

We need to talk about Saturday night.

What time do you want me here? - She's coming?

Oh, we're gonna have to talk about this guest list.

Well, of course Miss Babcock's coming.

She made all the arrangements.

Oh, boy, did I have you pegged all wrong.

Isn't it the people you hate on sight

that become your lifelong friends.

Not always.

Maxwell, the limousine will pick us up

at the airport in Washington.

Mm-hm. Washington?

Yes, well, you may as well know,

the Center for Performing Arts has nominated us

for its highest award.

Is that what you wanted me for on Saturday night,

to babysit?

No, we wanted you to fly the jet.

Miss Fine, I didn't say anything to you before

about the nomination because, mm, bad luck, you know.

We've been overlooked so many times before.

You've been overlooked?

Is there a problem, Miss Fine?

D-do you have plans Saturday night?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna heat up a Lean Cuisine

and see what kind of frontiermishegaas

Dr. Quinn has gotten herself into.

Gracie, you're gonna love your new grandma, Mrs. Klein.

Now, do you remember what I told you to ask her?

Is she related to Calvin, and can we get a discount?

Excellent.

Good morning.

How are you two ladies doing today?

Fine, Daddy.

[MUTTERS] Yeah, been better.

Is everything... everything all right, Miss Fine?

[MUMBLES NONSENSE WORDS]

Miss Fine, is there something bothering you?

No, what could possibly be bothering me?

[UNDER BREATH] I'm a fool and a laughing stock.

I beg your pardon? - N-nothing.

Miss Fine, you've barely spoken a word to me in 12 hours.

It's beginning to scare me.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

[UNDER BREATH] I invited my mother. I'll never hear the end of it.

Come on, Gracie.

Miss Fine, you are not leaving this house

until I know why you're so upset with me.

I'm not upset with you.

You're the best boss anyone could possibly ask for.

[UNDER BREATH] Eat tripe and die.

Now, Gracie, I had Mrs. Klein thoroughly checked out.

She's cute, she's sweet, and she's healthy as a horse.

You know, she holds the retirement home record

for most reps on the thigh burner...

one.

Oh, Grandma Yetta!

We're here to introduce Gracie

to her new grandma, Mrs. Klein.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you want to talk to her,

you're gonna need a Ouija board.

She never should have gone for that second rep.

Another one?

What if it's me? What if I'm a jinx?

Oh, no, honey.

Now, that is just ridiculous.

There's no such thing.

Toi, toi.

People here are old and sick.

They can go at any time, in the next minute.

Would you go cheer somebody else up.

Sweetie, you're an adorable little girl,

and anyone would love to be your grandma, right?

You're not a jinx!

And just to prove it to you,

I'm gonna give you my very own grandma.

Yetta!

Damn crepe soles stick like gum.

Honey, I'd love to be your grandma.

I've lived a good life.

So then she said that Heather was a liar,

so thenHeather

No, wait...

Oh, yeah.

No, wait... O-oh, yeah.

Let's start again.

See, honey, you're not a jinx

because I'm not dead.

And I wish I was.

Uh, honey, why don't we play some hide-and-go-seek.

Okay, I'll hide.

Good choice, sweetie.

So what's the matter?

Who said anything was the matter?

Franny, I know you like the back of my hand.

Jeez, I never noticed that before.

So anyway, what is it - man trouble?

Well, how could he not know what's bothering me?

I know. It's because I'm like all the Fine women.

We're just too damn subtle.

It's a waste of time talking to men.

First of all, they aren't that interesting.

Sixty-two years I was married to your grandfather,

we didn't say two words.

The man had no communication skills.

That's true.

If only he'd been able to say,

"I'm choking on a chicken bone," he'd be alive today.

Yeah.

So what is it? Your sex life stinks?

Grandma, he doesn't sleep with me.

Not even on your birthday?

No.

That's a bad marriage.

We're not married.

Oy, look at me, I'm hanging on every word,

like I'm talking to Yoda.

[MOUTHS SILENTLY]

[CONTINUES MOUTHING SILENTLY]

[SIGHS] May I help you, sir?

Oh, that's all right, Niles.

I'm just counting forward 28 days

from the last time Miss Fine seemed to hate my guts

for no apparent reason.

No, that'll be next week.

Hm, something to look forward to, sir.

C.C., maybe you can shed some light on this.

I mean, you're a woman.

I'm still waiting for the DNA results.

You men just don't get it.

She doesn't hate you, it's her life!

She doesn't have a boyfriend.

She has a dead-end job with no prospects,

she's working for a man who hardly knows she's alive.

Her own dog hates her.

A blind date stole her stereo.

Who was I talking about again?

Think back, sir.

One year ago today,

someone's spike heel dug its first divot

into the parquet floor.

I thought you were gonna get that fixed.

Come closer.

One year to the day since we first learned.

"If it ain't half off, it ain't on sale."

Would you just--?

Would you just get to the point, old man.

Work with me, sir.

It's her anniversary.

Oh, Niles, don't be preposterous.

I mean, you've been working here forever,

and I haven't the faintest idea when you started.

And you don't go off all half-cocked.

I keep the hurt inside, sir.

You also forget my birthday. I suppose that's all right too.

Come on, Niles.

Are you seriously telling me

that Miss Fine is the type of person

to hold it over my head just because I simp--

Oh, God, is it too late to send flowers?

Maxwell, have you lost your mind?

She is the nanny!

I have been your partner for 10 years,

and we've never celebrated a damn thing.

Get it?

[CLEARS THROAT] Perhaps I can still pick something up

at Bloomingdale's.

Maxwell, we have to get to the airport.

You are not gonna miss this ceremony.

I can't walk down the aisle alone!

I say, prepare for the inevitable.

Kids, hurry up!

Your father's on...

and he won!

[MUTTERS] I hope his fly is open.

Oh, doesn't daddy look handsome?

[MUTTERS] Hmmm, no Pierce Brosnan.

Oh, there's C.C.

Oh, my. The camera does put on 10 pounds.

It just doesn't distribute it.

Um, I'd like to thank

the Center for the Performing Arts

for this most gracious recognition,

and I'd like to thank my three wonderful children,

and a very special thanks to the woman

without whose help I wouldn't be here tonight...

Miss Fran Fine.

Oh.

Happy anniversary, Miss Fine.

C.C. fainted!

Oh, my God.

And that, ladies,

is why you must always wear your underwear.

Oh, congratulations, sir. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

that was so sweet of you to mention my anniversary.

But, you know, you really didn't have to.

I mean, those things aren't important to me.

Well, they are important to me.

It's been a marvelous year, Miss Fine,

and you are a wonderful nanny,

and I'm sorry if I don't say it enough.

Oh, well, if I'm so wonderful,

how come nobody wants to hire me away?

Oh, well, that?

Yeah. Well, there--

There's a very simple explanation to that.

As a matter of fact, it's so simple

that explaining it to you

would really be rather insulting.

[SHE CHUCKLES]

Go ahead.

Um, well...

Well, the reason that you haven't had

any other job offers is--

Is simply because, uh...

Niles, is there any more tea?

I'll go to China and see.

Hi.

Well, just look at you, Miss Fine.

I-I mean-- I mean, I am a single father,

but what married woman in her right mind

would want someone as attractive as you

in her home right under her husband's nose?

Mmm, well...

[CHUCKLES] Now that you mention it.

Well, when you're right, you're right.

Goodnight, Mr. Sheffield, Niles.

NILES: Good night, Miss Fine.

Nice, save, sir. - Whew, thanks, Niles.

I came up with that at the last minute. [CHUCKLES]

I heard that!

Brighton! [GLASS SHATTERS]

[HUMS "PUT ON A HAPPY FACE"]

[HUMS "PUT ON A HAPPY FACE"] ♪Wha-wha, wha-wha-wha, whaa

[HE CONTINUES HUMMING]

[HUMS JAUNTILY] ♪De-de-de, de-de-de-de, de-de ♪

♪De-de, de-de-de-de ♪