Original subtitles

My teacher told us about the comet that hit Jupiter.

It exploded like a million atom bombs.

Could it?

Didn't you hear?

Well, next year, around your birthday...

...this giant comet will obliterate us.

Why do you think we're living like this?

Dad's spending all his money because...

[WHISPERING] we're all gonna die.

Hello, sweetheart.

[SCREAMS]

Your sister's in good voice today.

How's it going?

Same old, same old.

Ma, get out of the taxi!

It's a spring in the dog's neck.

What are you so fascinated about?

Oy. - Leave me alone.

I like to sing along in the theater.

Ma, it wasn't a musical.

Ah, you should've seen her inSchindler's List.

She was snapping her fingers and singing away,

"Papa, can you hear me?"

Meanwhile, the show in my head

was better than that crap we just saw.

So how was the theater, ladies?

ALL: Wonderful!

Thank you for the tickets.

Meanwhile, my feet are killing me.

Ma, those aren't your shoes!

Oh. I kicked off my shoes in the theater.

These must be the lady's sitting next to me.

And you just put 'em on? You don't even look down?

Sweetheart, I haven't seen my feet in 20 years.

Whose raincoat is this?

Oh, I'll tell you,

it's a miracle that we got to Blimpie's

without them throwing a net over us.

Come here, son. Give Grandma a hug.

Harder.

Squeeze me. [GROANS]

All right, Yetta, okay.

You shoulda seen her at Chippendales.

Her entire social security check went down a G-string.

Well, as lucrative as that sounds,

I really have to get back to work.

[CHUCKLING]

FRAN: Oh, hi, kids.

Look who I brought home with me,

Ma, and you remember Grandma Yetta?

Hi. My littlepitselehs.

Oh, they're all their father.

They got nothing from you.

Ma, these are not Fran's children.

Fran doesn't have any children.

She's not married! She's all alone!

Louder, Ma, I don't think they heard you...

[SHOUTS] in Uruguay!

More importantly, why doesn't anyone ever eat these fruit?

Because they're wax.

Even the grapes?

Fran, she's gonna drive me to the loony bin.

I got news for you, Ma, you're already there.

You guys argue a lot.

Oh, no, we don't, honey.

It's just that we're all so very different.

It's hard to believe we're from the same family.

Oh, wait a minute, Ma.

You got a little schmutz there.

Hold on. You got some mascara.

Hold it.

Whose purse is this?

Let me see that.

Boy, today's your lucky day, Ma. The purse matches the shoes.

Okay, kids, get ready for supper. Say goodbye.

BRIGHTON: Bye, everyone. GRACE: Bye.

Goodbye, my darling. - Nice kids.

Meanwhile, they don't say two words.

Who could get two words in with you?

Ma, don't wind me up.

Don't hit Nanna. What are you, an animal?

Don't talk to your mother like that.

Well, all good things must come to an end.

Bye, Ma. Bye, Grandma Yetta.

We'll go to the theater again soon.

Maybe next time you could pick up a hat.

Didn't you tell her?

What?

Sweetheart,

they're tenting the retirement home for termites.

Oh, fun.

So you're gonna go stay with Ma?

Sorta.

"Sorta" like Ultrasuede is sorta washable?

Or "sorta" like you're sorta a size eight?

Well, Iam in the United Kingdom.

Ma... - No, "sorta" like,

"Maybe she could sorta stay with you."

Here?

Ma, why can't she stay at your place?

No. I don't wanna be a burden on family.

These people, I don't know.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one Of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

Maxwell, have I ever told you

how much I love working out of the house?

I feel I belong here.

And the children are really warming up to me.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

No, there's no Maggie here. You have the wrong number.

Excuse me, C.C.

My daughter... Maggie?

Oh. - [CLEARS THROAT]

Hello.

Oh, Greg, listen,

you do know Maggie has her own line, don't you?

Yeah, well, that's quite all right.

Well, I'm very glad you like her.

Yeah, and I'm thrilled she drives you crazy.

Yeah, keep going, Greg, and you'll never see her again.

Goodbye, Greg.

[KNOCKS] Knock, knock.

Yes, Miss Fine, what is it?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

you just gotta indulge me here a minute.

You're not gonna believe this.

My grandmother's retirement home is infested with termites,

and my mother came up with the bright idea...

Get ready for a lulu.

...that she should come stay here with us!

[ALL LAUGH]

I know. I know.

She's a borderline klepto.

We wouldn't have a candy dish left in the house.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, well, I'll go tell my mother that she's nuts.

Well, at least we know where she gets it.

[LAUGHS]

Well, you know, Miss Fine, sometimes you feel like a nut,

sometimes you don't.

[HE CHUCKLES]

What's so funny? Poking fun at a little old lady?

What's that, that British humor that nobody gets?

Well, Miss Fine, you--

You just said yourself she was a klepto.

Yeah, well, I'm allowed.

She'smy

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you,

but can't she stay with your mother?

No. The big cats can't share a cage.

Don't back down, Maxwell.

We don't need some old crone running around the house.

Yes. We are crone-heavy, sir.

Although, with two, we'd have a set.

Never mind, Mr. Sheffield.

I'll just take her to one of those 24-hour markets,

and let her squeeze fruit for a couple of days.

All right, look, Miss Fine. I'll--

I'll put her up at the St. Regis Hotel.

How's that, hm?

She'll have room service, everything. Fit for a queen.

You can't insult family like that.

Me, you can send. I got thick skin.

Besides, I think that it's good for children

to spend time with their grandmother.

She's not their grandmother.

Oh, all right. You tell her.

She stays alone like a dog in that home.

[SCOFFS]

Fine. Let her stay.

As a matter of fact, I want her to stay.

She can have the master bedroom.

Oh, no.

With that marble tub? She'll slip, break her hip.

You'll have a lawsuit on your hands.

Miss Fine!

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield,

Thank you so much.

And I promise you won't even know that she's here.

Mm.

[FRENCH CABARET MUSIC PLAYING]

Frannie, can I sit outside in my brassiere?

Will anyone see?

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

Miss Fine, are you aware of this?

Yeah,Body Heat, William Hurt and Kathleen Turner...

before her little side trip to Pepperidge Farm.

Maggie is only 15 years old.

She's much too young to be watching movies this racy.

Oh, you call this racy?

You obviously never saw The Postman Always Rings Twice.

Oh, when he cleared that table!

Hoo-ha!

Where is she, anyway?

I mean, is she ever coming back from this date,

or has she just moved out?

Relax. She's been back for an hour.

Oh, really? I didn't hear her come in.

Well, I didn't say she came in.

Leave them alone!

Leave them alone.

Wh-wh-what are they doing?

Nothing, nothing, all four hands are visible.

One, two, three...

Here comes four! Here comes four!

How much time does he need?

I mean, they just went on the date for heaven sakes.

He's not leaving for the Crimean War.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Hello, children.

Goodbye, Greg.

[MOUTHS SILENTLY]

I can't believe you did that.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

Oh, really?

Not even when you were watchingBody Heat?

You went in my room?

Have you ever heard of privacy?

How would you like if I went through your stuff?

Oh, don't bother. He locks everything.

I don't ever want you seeing that boy again.

You can't stop me. - Oh, ho, ho. Watch this.

You're grounded.

I hate you.

[MOCKS] Well, that's tough.

You forgot to stick your tongue out.

Well, you might have backed me up a little.

Me? The Pips couldn't backyou up.

What's all the commotion?

He went through my things.

Oh, honey, I know just how you feel.

At the home, they ransack your room

two, three times a month

looking for cake.

Come, we'll talk.

Don't fight in front of the kids. - Ow!

Ow!

See how sensitive Yetta is.

She'll be a great influence on Maggie.

YETTA: You want a cigarette?

Good morning, Niles.

Mm-hm.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's very disturbing to see

Mr. Sheffield and Miss Margaret fight.

Oh, that was a fight?

"I hate you!" "Who cares?" and now, pft.

In my house the fight ain't over until the fat lady

grabs the Ginsu and says, "Here, cut my heart out."

No, we never say a cross word in our family.

We just die very early of colon disorders.

Morning, everyone.

FRAN: Good morning.

Niles, tea. NILES: Mm-hm.

[SIGHS]

What on earth is that?

Grandma Yetta says this tea bag still has seven cups left in it.

My Bubby Yetta doesn't like to waste anything.

If food is moldy, it's a vaccine.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on, lighten up.

You gonna be this way when Maggie comes down?

If I'd ever talked to my father the way she talked to me,

I'd have been throttled to within an inch of my life

and thrown in the root cellar.

Oy, why do you always have to take me to Oliver Twist Land?

Do you know how many times I told my father I hated him?

Yeah. And how did he react? - Ah, who the hell knows.

He couldn't hear a damn thing over thatBonanza

blasting in the background.

Good morning, Margaret.

Daddy, I'm sorry I said I hated you.

Bubby Yetta says you only have one father, and she's right.

Well, I'm sorry too.

And you were gonna tell her that she's not grounded anymore.

You almost forgot that part.

Ah, yes, I was going to say that.

What she said.

Well, Miss Fine, it seems I underestimated your booby.

That's "Bubby."

No one's ever underestimated my booby.

You know, Dad, it's a real pretty day.

Greg asked if I could go on a picnic.

May I?

Well, Margaret, I don't think--

[SPOON TAPS]

Uh, that sounds like a good idea.

So long as you're back by 6:00...

[SPOON TAPS] 7:00...

[SPOON TAPS] 8:00.

[SPOON DINGS ON GLASS]

Thanks, guys.

Have a wonderful time,

and don't do anything that I forgot I did.

Oh, don't worry. I had a long conversation with Yetta.

FRAN: Good.

You know, Yetta turns out to be pretty cool.

Look, she gave me 100 bucks for my bar mitzvah.

Of course, she also thinks my name is "Schmuey."

Something smells.

Just eat it.

No, like something's burning. [SHE SNIFFS]

[ALL SNIFF] - Yeah. Seems to be coming from upstairs.

Oh, my God. Yetta!

I can't believe she would be smoking in bed,

not after that Circle 7 motel went up in--

Never mind.

Yetta! Yetta!

Stand back.

FRAN: Oh!

[GASPS]

Well, I was right.

She was smokin'.

Oh, my God. Yetta!

What a coincidence.

Saul said the same thing not 10 minutes ago.

What the devil's burning?

Oh, God.

Oh, Saul, I ruined your bagel.

Oh, no, no.

You can just scrape off the top.

It's still good.

Miss Fine.

What did you do with all the cream cheese?

Thank you, Miss Fine.

Thank you for bringing this influence into my home.

Well, you know, Mr. Sheffield,

it's really kind of sweet if you think about it.

Are you out of your mind?

This is the Sheffield home.

No one ever has sex in this house.

This...this is the woman you let give my daughter

advice about sex?

Well, at least you know the advice was current.

Margaret.

Oh, Miss Margaret just left, sir.

Oh, good morning, Miss Rosenberg, Mr. Knasel.

What? You knew about this?

Yes, my room is directly beneath theirs.

Bravo.

I-I just can't believe I gave Maggie permission to go.

She's just a little girl.

Well, now, don't get all upset.

We don't know what Yetta told her.

Told who?

Maggie!

I told her we could all die tomorrow.

Go for it.

Go for...? All right.

Now you can be upset.

I hold you completely responsible for this.

Why? What did I do?

She's your grandmother.

Oh, we don't know that for sure.

Some woman comes walking outta Europe

with a dining-room table strapped to her back.

She could be anybody's relative.

What?

Good night, Niles.

It is now.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Niles.

Dear, sweet, pompous Niles.

Maxwell and Nanny Fine are on the outs,

and there is nothing you can say

to ruin this glorious feeling I have. [CHUCKLES]

You wanna bet?

Grandma Yetta, aged 80, living in a home,

got a heap o' good loving last night.

And you?

I hate my life!

Thank you!

Pst. Niles.

Oh, the coast is clear, Miss Fine.

Oh, boy, here she is now. Devil with the blue hair on.

[CHUCKLES]

What? What?

Franny. What? What? What?

You left your wallet right on top of your dresser.

So?

Thank you.

Franny, I know it's none of my business.

But it might help your marriage if you got rid of that blond

your husband's always hanging around with.

I don't know if you noticed, but your kids are blond.

They're not my kids. He's not my husband.

Oy, she couldn't have spaced out like this

with Mr. Sheffield, no!

With him, she could recall things from the womb.

All I'm saying... - Yeah.

is a blond like that, with big shoulder pads,

dragged off your grandfather.

That was a Cossack.

Hi, Grandma Yetta.

Oh, come here, angel-puss.

Ooh.

So... how was your day?

Great. I'm not worried about the end of the world.

I'm gonna live life to the fullest.

Attagirl. What did I tell you?

Go for it.

"Go for it"?

I thought you told that to Maggie?

That's not Maggie?

No. That's Grace.

Now I'm confused.

Grace is the little one,

Schmuey is the boy...

and the tall one is Maggie.

Hot pants? Yeah.

Tell her to "go for it"? What am I, senile?

Your husband would throw me out of the house.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, here you are.

What are you doing out here? Waiting for Maggie?

No, I just have a game of stoopball in five minutes.

Where is she?

Well, I've got good news for you.

Remember when we thought that Grandma Yetta

told her to go for it with Greg?

Yeah. Well, we were wrong.

Oh, thank God.

She told Gracie.

Oh, much better. She's only seven.

And here I thought the woman was a kook.

In any event, Margaret still isn't home.

[DOOR SHUTS] Well, you know, it was a picnic.

These things have to go at their own flow.

You have to eat, then my mother always says

you have to wait at least an hour

before you do strenuous physical activity--

Like Frisbee.

Please, Miss Fine, I'm just not in the mood.

No man's ever said that to me before.

Although I'm sure Lisa Marie is getting an earful of it.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield,

has Maggie ever given you a reason not to trust her?

Yes.

And they all coincided with your arrival.

Suddenly she wants to go kissing boys and going off to parties

and concerts and things.

Who does she think she is? A teenage girl?

Mm.

Oh, Miss Fine, I'm her father.

I-I just want to protect her.

I know, but sometimes you're just gonna

have to sit on your hands and, uh, let them grow up.

What if she grows up wrong?

Well, you've still got Schmuey and the little one.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield. Don't be her enemy.

No, of course not. That's the last thing I want to do.

MAGGIE: Thanks, Greg.

She's home.

How long does it take, a picnic, huh?

Oh, now, now, now. You see?

You're getting all wound up again.

Just calm down.

Don't let her think that you were worried.

In fact, why don't you just go upstairs?

Go ahead. But I--

I'll be up in a minute.

Trust is a good thing.

Trust is character building. Go ahead.

I'll take care of everything.

Everything's fine.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Where the hell have you been?

Do you know what time it is?

Your father was so worried, I had to send him to bed.

Fran, we didn't do anything.

Greg and I decided to cool it.

Why? I mean,good!

I'm just not ready yet.

Besides, do you think I'd get into any serious stuff

without talking to you first?

Oh, well, I thought you talked to Yetta.

Yetta?

Please, I zoned out somewhere around

"buying a cow when you can get the milk for free."

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds like her.

Well, it should take you a good long while

to get that image out of your head.

And, in the meantime, let me tell you something

that's a little more hip and a little more happening.

Don't do a thing if you ain't got that ring.

♪Doo-wap, doo-wap, doo-wap

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Thatverklempt is so funny.

Oh, please. Who talks like that?

And that big hair.

I think it's very stereotypical.