Original subtitles

FRAN: I'm gonna miss you too, sweetie,

but it's the first day of school.

♪They're going back to school, hah!

♪ Going back To school, hah! ♪

BOTH: ♪ Going back To school, hah! ♪

♪ Going back to school, ah!

Oh, Niles, this sandwich feels a little stale.

Well, I made them in June

in anticipation of this blessed event.

Fran? Fran.

Hi, honey. What? What?

How do I look?

Gorgeous, always. Oh, wait.

Oh, my God. Look how tall you got.

I can hardly reach.

Oh, my God. I got too tall?

What am I gonna do? Oh.

Somebody's gotta clean the Statue of Liberty.

BOTH: Shut up, Brighton.

Honey, you're gorgeous, don't worry.

In high school, they stop making fun of the tall girls.

It's the girls with BO that's gotta worry.

Sorry I'm late. I was on the phone with my therapist.

I had the unicorn dream again last night.

Oh, these shrinks, they read something into everything.

Honey, a unicorn is nothing more

than a big horse with a long...

If you need therapy, I need to be committed.

All right, children, the limo's waiting. Time to go.

Oh. You heard your father.

Scram. Scram.

Whoops!

Ah, first day of school already, huh?

Summer just flew by.

Spoken by a man who did not see The Lion King

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪ But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would've guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

[SIGHS] Home alone.

No more Pog.

No moreMighty Morphin Power Rangers,

and alas...

no more Nintendo.

[BAG RATTLES]

What happened to the Nintendo?

I accidentally pounded it repeatedly with a meat mallet.

Niles!

Couldn't have thought of that two months ago?

[HE CHUCKLES]

Oh, Niles, look!

Esquire "Most Eligible Bachelor" list.

Ohh, they retired John-John.

You know, no offense to Daryl, but, if you recall,

Caroline found happiness with a Schlossberg.

Jackie finds happiness with a Tempelsman.

Maybe John-John should've stopped by

a few Hadassah meetings.

Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield's moved up to third place.

Oh, yeah. Oh, say hello to bachelor number three.

Oh, not you too. - What?

I've been bombarded all morning with faxes and telephone calls.

Women who want to date me,

women who want to have my children,

and this one wants to...

Oh, good God!

I'll follow up on that one, sir.

[SHE CHUCKLES]

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I think it's an honor.

Look, you're right behind Prince Edward

and the former Mayor Koch.

I'll tell you,

just my opinion, but if those two ever met,

you could move straight up to number one.

I don't want to be number one, Miss Fine.

I don't want to be on the damn list at all.

I'm a widower, for God's sakes, not a bachelor.

And the difference would be, uh--?

Well, a bachelor makes you think of dancing till dawn,

champagne for breakfast and black satin sheets.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, too bad we never met in a past life.

Miss Fine, I'm quite content with my life.

I have my family, I have my work.

Well, you know what they say.

All work and no play makes a man--

Rich enough to pay our salaries.

All right. Playtime's over. Make some money.

Yeah, look...

Miss Fine, I appreciate your concern, I really do,

but I'm just not ready to date yet, all right?

Oh, fine, I didn't bring it up.

I just came in for a fruit.

Oh, I'll tell you, it just makes me so sad.

Here it is five years later, and he still feels

like he'd be cheating on his wife.

It's a classic widower syndrome.

VERY astute, Miss Fine.

Oprah?

Courtship of Eddie's Father.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but...

I kinda miss the kids.

MAGGIE: Shut up, Brighton.

I'm over it.

We're home.

Hey! How was your first day back?

Oh, I love school.

They opened a coffee shop across the street,

and they only hired really cute college guys.

And for this, your father pays seven grand?

Was it directly across the street or catty-corner?

Fran, I love second grade.

The conversations on the monkey bars

were so stimulating.

Ooh!

Some of life's best moments are spent

hanging from your knees with your skirt over your head.

[HE CHUCKLES]

I hate junior high!

I'm never going back.

Oh, now, don't panic. It's just the first day.

Oh, he'll go back.

He will go back, won't he?

Well, if he doesn't, we'll have to hire a tutor.

And then he'll be home all the time.

Brighton!

Brighton, honey, you wannna talk about it?

No.

Okay.

On the other hand, I think I'd feel too guilty

cashing my paycheck this week.

Come on, B, I'm your nanny.

You can talk to me about anything.

Except computers. Those things throw me into a tailspin.

Never mind. It's too embarrassing.

Honey, you're talking to a woman whose underpants

fell off in the middle of Bloomingdale's.

Really? What did you do?

I kicked them down to the Lancôme counter

and kept on walking.

Well, there are just some things a girl wouldn't understand.

I'm not a girl, I'm a nanny.

Anything you say goes no further than this room.

I'm like a priest.

Well, not exactly a priest

'cause priests are celibate and I'm--

Actually, I could be a priest.

No, not with that Nehru collar.

I like a nice scoop neck, a V, off-the-shoulder's nice,

all good for me, but a Nehru--

All right, all right! I'll tell you.

We were in the locker room after gym...

And?

Fran, I'm smaller than everyone else.

Smaller? How?

Just forget it. It's too humiliating.

Well, what could be so humiliating

about being smaller in the locker room?

Uh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother you,

but we've got a problem.

And, boy, you are never gonna guess this one.

Just make it short.

You--

You guessed.

Niles, do you need to speak with me as well?

Oh, no, sir.

I simply wanted to be here in person for this one.

Brighton was in gym class,

and, well, when he looked around,

compared to all the other boys,

he's...small.

Small?

You know, like in "petite"...

"poquito"...

"gherkin".

Oh.

And the poor guy's really upset.

What are we gonna do?

Yes. C.C., would you excuse us?

I have to have a word with Miss Fine.

If I go, he goes.

Yes, of course. Niles.

What did I do?

Niles!

Well, now you've ruined it for everybody.

So... So...

Brighton, huh? Are you sure?

But he has such big feet.

I suppose I'll just have to sit him down

and have a man-to-man talk with him.

Either that or buy him a really big car.

[SIGHS]

Ah, Brighton.

Oh. Yeah, Dad?

I think we should have a little talk.

I mean, not alittle

Well, it might--

It might start out little, but get big later.

N-not that a--

Not that a big talk is necessarily any better than a little talk.

The...the size of the talk is really not important, is it?

Any questions so far?

Have you seen my Nintendo?

Val, can you put my hairbrush in your purse?

I can if you carry my mace.

Put your mace in your pocket.

I got my Totes rain hat in there.

Well, if you put on your Totes rain hat,

you're not gonna need that mace.

Oh, Val, look at him sittin' there alone like a dog.

Yeah, meanwhile, we're gonna miss the number 5 bus.

But how is this possible?

I mean, he's handsome, he's young.

All right, he's 42,

but he's a nice man, a good catch, true?

True.

[CLICKS TONGUE] - Ladies, please!

I am not in the Cone of Silence.

Val, your voice traveled.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, come with us.

No, really. It's... it's very generous of you,

but I-I have a full evening planned.

Yeah, it'll give me a chance to, er, finish the book.

Ooh,Webster's. Let me know how it ends.

Well, all right, then, I can spend the evening with...

Maggie!

We'll go to Rumpelmayer's and...

um... [CLEARS THROAT]

have great big sundaes with nuts and bananas,

what d'you say?

Uh, well, it's kinda the first day of school.

I was gonna meet up with some kids

and have some actual fun.

Ah.

Bye.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield, come with us.

It's supposed to be a really great club.

No, I-I already told you, I'm not ready to date.

What date?

We're just three friends sharing a cab.

Or in this case, your limo.

What does he know from clubs?

Excuse me!

Studio 54, Annabel's, Tramp's. Maxwell Sheffield was there.

Oh, you hear that, Val?

He got down, he got funky.

Ladies, to the limo. All right.

But who's gonna hit on us if we're with a guy?

Oh, just let me take care of that.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so happy that you're coming.

You're really gonna have a wonderful time.

Oh, just one last thing.

You don't know us, we've never seen you before,

and I might have to tell a few people you're gay.

[CAMERAS CLICK, PEOPLE CHATTER]

Oh, is this a great club, or what?

We haven't been inside yet.

Oh, we never get inside.

You get inside?

Val!

Oh, Fran, there's a cute guy over there checking you out.

Where? Where?

Ooh, heis

I think you're losing him.

I wonder why.

Oh, sorry. Forgot.

Don't even know you.

Oh, my God, is that Alec Baldwin?

[SHE GASPS] - No, I think it's Billy.

[SHE GASPS] - Wait, I think it's Daniel.

Oh, it's Stephen. [COMPACT SNAPS]

Maxwell Sheffield? - Yes.

Please, please, follow me.

Oh.

Oh, my God, we're getting in.

And you didn't wanna bring him.

Excuse me.

Are they with you? MAXWELL: Er...

No, don't know them.

Never saw them. Perfect strangers.

Mr. Sheffield...

Oh, and I might be gay.

Want a jelly doughnut?

Sure, why not?

You know, I'm gonna write those people at Exxon a letter.

They do a beautiful restroom.

Whoever cleaned that toilet should be sent straight

to Prince Edward Sound. Mm.

Mm, mm. Here he is.

Mr. Sheffield, we're over here!

Oh, fantastic club. - Mmm.

You can't even move on that dance floor.

So what did the two of you think?

Oh, it's like nothing we've ever seen before.

Ever.

I met the most incredible woman.

Get outta here. You met someone?

Yeah. J-just wait here. I want you to meet her.

Can you believe he met someone?

I'm wearing the Wonderbra, and he gets lucky?

I wonder who she is.

Oh, you know, he's so naive.

I just hope he doesn't come walking out with RuPaul.

Mm.

Val, Fran, this is Leslie.

[IN UNISON] Love the coat!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, my God. He's a Schprocket.

Niles, have the chauffeur bring the limo around, would you?

I'm taking Leslie out to a gallery opening in SoHo,

then on for dinner and dancing at Match's.

The man's got a life and I don't.

It's a world gone mad. [NILES CHUCKLES]

So, what is the mystery woman like?

Well, she's got a lot of hair,

she wears a lot of makeup and very flashy clothes.

All in all, I'd say it was a very attractive package.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, I'll get it.

Niles, you know, you don't have to keep announcing that.

It's your job. Believe me, no one's gonna horn in on ya.

Hello. Hello.

What? What?

N-nothing, uh, just stay right here

until I go get Miss Babcock.

Mr. Sheffield, Leslie's here.

Take your time.

NILES: Come along.

Come, come, come, come, come, come, come--

Niles, what is so damn important?

Hi. Hi.

Good god, it's multiplying.

I'd like you to meet Miss Babcock.

This is Mr. Sheffield's business partner.

This is Leslie.

I love your hair. Who does your color?

Oh, it's natural.

Well, I think it's very distasteful of Maxwell

to be dating so soon.

Isn't a decade the standard period of mourning?

Die, and let's find out.

Some house, huh?

Boy, when I first came here from Queens,

[MUMBLES] I never thought I'd live in a house this big.

Tell me about it. When I left Brooklyn

and became a CPA...

[MUMBLES] wouldn't you know it,

I had a hard time finding a place to live.

Oh, I hear ya.

Niles, would you ice this and put it in the limo?

Oh, certainly, sir. There's a good man.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

If you don't mind my asking...

doesn't Miss Leslie remind you of someone?

Oh, so you noticed it too.

Well, it is rather obvious, sir.

Yes, she is a dead ringer for Connie Selleca.

She, um...

she is pretty unique, isn't she, Niles?

Er, whatever you say, sir.

[POT CLATTERS]

Oh, oh! Careful there, man.

Oh, thank you, sir, yes.

You see, I should have used my oven mitt

instead of this somewhat inferior substitution.

But I didn't realize I wanted my oven mitt

until I saw them together.

And then I understood that, of course, my oven mitt

is exactly what I wanted and, goodness gracious,

it was under my nose the entire time.

Good, glad you found it.

It's easy for you to get sale shoes.

You're a double-A width.

No, I'm really a B, but for 75 percent off,

I'll hold my toes like this.

[SHE CHUCKLES] Stop it.

You stop it.

Leslie, darling, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Mmm. Hope you two found something to talk about.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, shall we?

Sure. But I just can't sit backwards in the limo.

I get nauseous.

Oh, well, there's Pepto in the minibar.

Smile.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Oh, I forgot to put the thingie on.

Now they're gonna have red eyes.

Oh, boy, are they a great couple, or what?

Boy, if they're not meant to be together, who is?

Miss Fine, doesn't Miss Leslie remind you of someone?

What am I, a radish?

That hair, those clothes, that voice.

She's a dead ringer for Audrey Hepburn.

Ma, Shirley Bassey?

I don't know.

Two hundred, 220.

She goes up and down.

Hey, guys. Oh, hi, honey.

How was school today?

Great, lots of fun.

There is so much to learn.

Uh, Ma, I gotta go be a nanny. Bye.

What the hell is wrong with him?

He seemed perfectly normal.

I reiterate - what the hell is wrong with him?

Mr. Sheffield thinks their talk went rather well.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield thinks C.C. goes horseback riding

for the exercise.

Smell Brighton's gym shirt.

I don't smell anything. Exactly.

And if anyone knows what a sweaty man smells like,

it's me.

Brighton did not go to gym class today.

Very impressive, Miss Fine.

Well, you don't watch eight years

ofMurder, She Wrote walking away with something.

Brighton Sheffield, you cut class today!

I am very disappointed in you, young man.

I just said that in case the intercoms were on.

Now, come on, you got a problem.

Let's talk about it.

I told you, you wouldn't understand.

Honey, I wouldn't understand?

My homeroom was McDonald's.

Come on, let's deal with it.

How?

Even if I grow another foot, I'll still be smaller

than most of the guys.

Another foot?

What kind of schoolis

In grade school, I was the big shot.

Fifth graders feared me.

Now, in junior high, I'm a walking wedgie

waiting to happen.

Oh!Now the picture.

They're allbigger you, not bigger than you.

Honey, this, I can handle.

Sweetie, you're only 12.

Most boys don't shoot up until after their bar mitzvah.

Fran, I'm not getting bar mitzvahed.

Huh. I hope it still works.

Honey, if it's any consolation to you, given time,

this will no longer be a problem.

Someday you're gonna be a senior,

and you're gonna be bigger than all the other kids,

and you'll remember how you felt today.

When you walk down the hallway,

you'll see some puny seventh grader,

and you'll give him a little shove.

Thanks, Fran.

Just one more thing. Yeah?

When you said, "This handle,"

what did you think I was talking about?

Oh, exactly what you said,

that you're shorter than everyone else.

Although your father was off on some wacko jag.

Looking for someone? [SHE EXCLAIMS]

Niles, you scared me.

Put a bell around your neck, would you?

You wanted him to have a life.

Yeah, well, it's 11:00, and he's got work tomorrow.

Well, you said he should have fun.

Nine o'clock is "having fun".

Eleven o'clock is already, "I don't need another kid

And there's absolutely no one else

she reminds you of? - Oh, shhh!

Here he comes. Stop yapping and act natural.

Niles, who is it?

Oddly enough, it's Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, back so soon.

Did you have a good time?

Well, you know, pleasant enough.

Oh, you didn't like her?

Gee, I thought her charm was only exceeded by her beauty.

Well, she had a certain way about her.

There was just... something missing.

Hm...

Like ordering champagne and getting ginger ale.

You know, they look alike

but don't make you feel the same.

Too bad. She was gonna fix me up with her boss.

English, handsome, rich.

All right, he's got a couple of kids,

but I could learn to live with that.

Well, maybe next time, huh?

But I do want to thank you, Miss Fine.

For what?

Well, for getting me out in the world.

I mean, Leslie may not be the one,

but, well, at least you made me realize

that perhaps I don't have to live

the rest of my life alone.

Oh, good night, Mr. Sheffield.

Pleasant dreams, Miss Fine.

Yeah, well, if I'm lucky, I'll have that one about the unicorn.

Exactly. Now, if there's one thing I know,

it's what a smelly man--

Whoopsie.

If anyone knows what a swelly man smells--

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry. [LAUGHS]