Original subtitles

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, Miss Fine, another stunning yet inappropriate

breakfast ensemble. You like?

They were having a big sale at Victoria's Secret.

I bought some other stuff too, but that's my secret.

Did you save the catalog?

You can have it after I'm through.

Niles.

Well, Mother's Day is just around the corner.

Uh-huh.

Good morning, everyone.

Miss Fine.

What? It was buy one, get one free.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Oh, that must be my return call from Osaka.

No, it's Eddie. He's calling to kiss me good morning.

Well, I've lost my appetite.

Gee, you know, with all the overseas calls you make,

I hope you get free mileage with your long distance.

How delightfully bourgeois.

Bourgeois, with a freebie to Bermuda.

Thank you, Niles. Thank you, Niles.

Not so fast, it's for Miss Fine.

Miss Valerie Toriello.

Val is on my business line?

Well, it could be an emergency.

Val, what's the matter? Who died?

[GASPS]

Danny, my ex, is taking Heather Biblo to Puerto Rico.

Miss Fine, nobody cares about your boyfriend's vacation.

Ex-boyfriend, sir.

And I care deeply.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, Val, I'm getting some beeps here. Wait a minute.

Oh, that must be Osaka on the other line. Hang up. Hang up.

Val, it's Japan calling for Mr. Sheffield.

I gotta hang up.

-Whose water broke in Macy's? -Just, just--

Give me that.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Val, would you please hang up?

No, I don't get free mileage on my long distance.

[PHONE BEEPS] [SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[SIGHS] Nothing.

You must've lost them. Me?

Me? Yes, you.

Couldn't be. Then who?

Miss Fine, let's just make one simple rule, can we?

You keep your personal life out of my business.

So, what you're saying is

if you've got a business meeting,

I should keep my personal feelings out of it

and let you go out in that tie.

Let's just review.

Business, personal. Business, personal.

Let's have none of this.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to.

He's changing his tie.

♪♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one Of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

Daddy, guess where we're going.

Sweetheart, we're in the middle of work.

Who taught you to barge in like that?

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Sheffield.

Ah, it's all coming back to me.

Please, I'm on the phone.

Well, I hope it's nothing personal,

because he'll snap your head off.

Did you want something?

A, I like your tie, B, I need some money.

I'm taking Gracie shopping.

It's time I learned to coordinate my separates.

She's growing up right before my eyes.

Meanwhile, you're wearing one Mary Jane

and one saddle shoe.

I dared to be different.

Go change.

Soon she'll be ready for the Home Shopping Network.

So I'm off to go on duty.

You need anything while I'm out?

Yes, a leading man.

Ah, who doesn't? Believe me,

if they sold them at Labels for Less,

I'd have one on layaway already.

Yes, I'll hold.

Nanny Fine, a synthetic fur.

How very PC of you.

What?

PC, as in politically correct.

Oh, well, actually, it's JC, as in Penney.

Your outfit is nice too.

Of course, dear. It's an Adolfo.

As in Hitler?

Yes, I'm still here.

So he is interested. Splendid.

Let me run it by Mr. Sheffield.

Yes. Kiss-kiss. Love you.Ciao.

What a phony. Well?

You'll never guess who I've talked into starring in our new show,

pending a meeting with you, of course.

Brock Storm.

Brock Storm? Never heard of him.

You never heard of Brock Storm?

Yes, we've established that.

He plays Dr. River Shane onOne Day After Another.

He's on the cover ofSoap Opera Digest.

I'll leave you my copy in your bathroom.

Maxwell, I'm telling you, Brock is big,

and we need a box office draw.

Star's Deli already names a sandwich after him:

The Brock-wurst.

Oh, my God. I've eaten him. He is good.

He is perfect.

He's beyond perfect.

When Trista went into premature labor

after the plane crash,

despite his two broken arms, Brock delivered her baby.

How?

With his teeth.

I'm telling you,

he is the most perfect man in the world.

He's playing a part, Miss Fine.

It's an act, hence the term "actor."

Oh, no. No one can act that good.

He is truly sensitive.

When he cries,

snot comes out of his nose.

Oh, the man is gifted.

[SINGING RODGERS & HAMMERSTEIN'S "OKLAHOMA!"]

♪♪ You're doin' fine, Oklahoma ♪♪

♪♪ Oklahoma, O-K-H-L-O-M-- ♪♪

No, wait.

Who needs to spell when you look like that?

♪♪ Oklaho-ma! ♪♪

Yo!

Oh, that was marvelous.

Bravo.

And so very loud.

You do know I'm meeting with other producers?

Andy has invited me out to his place

in Southampton for the weekend.

Andy Lloyd Webber? Uh-huh.

And there's no spelling in his show.

Remember, Brock,

there's only one maiden voyage

to Broadway, so take the ride with a

that can guarantee you the epitome of style, taste, and class.

I don't know what I ate for lunch.

[HICCUPS]

Oh, yeah, quiche.

Would you excuse me a minute?

Miss Fine, we're still in the middle of our business meeting.

Oh, is that today?

Oh, gee, if I would've known,

I would have dressed.

Come on, kids. Come on over.

Your father has someone he wants you to meet.

Uh, Brock,

these are my children,

Brighton, Grace, and Maggie. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

[GIGGLES]

We never should have let her out of the attic.

And this must be your gorgeous wife.

No, this is my less-than-subtle nanny, Miss Fine.

Fran to you, ormon amour.

Whichever.

Darling, je vous aime beaucoup.

Frèère Jacques, dormez-vous?

Miss Fine...

A moment.

[WHISPERING]

Yes?

Get out, or I'll hurt you.

Ah.

Well, if you'll excuse me--

Oh, just one last thing.

All the while that you were selflessly raising your son Eric

while his mother Cherie was gallivanting

all over Spring Valley,

did you know that he wasn't your biological child?

Yes, I've always known.

You are a god...and a doctor.

I gotta lie down.

I do apologize,

but I'm sure you must get that--

[GIRLS SCREAM]

Sort of thing all the time.

Yeah. Cool, huh?

So shall I call your agent?

Sure.

I'll need top billing, big letters,

more money than anyone else...

Oh, yeah...

And the nanny.

[SCOFFS]

Can you believe he wants my nanny?

Why doesn't he get someone else to take care of his children?

Maxwell, he doesn't have any children.

Then what does he want with my na--?

Oh.

God, this is boring.

Brock hasn't even moved since the last commercial.

Shh. That's because he's in a coma.

Look, he's gonna drool again.

The man is a master of bodily fluids.

But nothing's happening.

That's because you don't know how to watch.

See how nurse Judy is clutching the IV pole?

So she's dizzy.

So she's pregnant, and Brock's the father.

But I thought he was in a coma.

Plus he's had a vasectomy.

Is that man virile or what?

What's a vasectomy?

Uh, it's elective surgery, honey.

Like when C.C. went to Switzerland

and came back without her thighs.

Did C.C. have a vasectomy?

Uh, no. No, honey.

I hear she's given a few.

MAXWELL: Niles!

As if I have nothing better to do

than be at his beck and call.

As if we were his servants.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. I will not.

I cannot make Miss Fine part of this deal.

Oh, Maxwell, grow up.

It's unconscionable. It's morally bankrupt.

It's show biz.

What took you so long?

I fell, sir...

But I think I'm all right now. I'll walk it off.

Maxwell, darling, I'm begging you.

We just have to do it.

Well, I find the whole idea repulsive.

Way to play hard to get, sir.

Niles, get your mind out of the gutter.

Vacating the gutter, sir.

We're talking about Brock Storm.

He'll only do the show if I set him up with Miss Fine.

Well, it's not like she won't be thrilled with the prospect.

She glommed onto him like a refrigerator magnet.

Yes, well, that's true enough.

She was rather taken with him.

So actually you'll be doing her a favor

as opposed to, say, pimping her.

Thank you, Niles.

Always there for you, sir.

Oh. Ooh.

[HOSPITAL SHOW PLAYS ON TELEVISION]

Oh, I can't believe how cute all the men are.

Cute, but so dysfunctional.

A lethal combination, ladies.

Miss Fine, Mr. Sheffield would like to speak with you in his office.

[WHINING] Oh, what did I do?

If he asks you anything about my fall,

just play along.

All right, I'll do it, but I won't like it.

Where have I heard that before?

Ah, Miss Fine, do come in.

I'm sorry, but who knew nail polish remover

would eat off the finish?

What finish? Nothing.

Miss Fine!

Oh, Maxwell, lighten up.

Sit down, Miss Fine... Fran.

Franela.

Oh, now I'm really scared.

What would you say if I arranged dinner this evening

for you and Brock Storm?

Wait, is this a hypothetical question, or are we wasting time

when I should be putting the electric rollers in my hair?

Roll away, Miss Fine.

Oh, my God!

A date with Brock Storm.

I can't believe you would do this for me!

Oh, well, you know...

It's our pleasure.

We just want you to have a good time,

a very good time. Not that good a time.

We want her to have a good time.

Have as good a time as you want, and no more.

Well, I'll just play it by ear.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, thank you, Miss Babcock.

Ooh, that was close.

See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Knock, knock. It's Franela.

We missed you.

Uh, would Brock, by any chance, have the hots for me,

and it would be better for you and your show

if I went out with him?

Miss Fine, how could you imply--

Shut up, C.C. Yes, yes. It's true!

We're sacrificing you to Brock

to close our filthy business deal.

All right.

Uh-oh.

What? What?

A date with Brock.

Now, wouldn't that be mixing business with personal?

You know.

Maxwell, what is this,

and why are you doing it with her?

It's just some silly rule I made.

What say we forget that rule?

Oh, no. Rules are rules.

Rules are made to be broken.

Mmm...I don't know.

Forget the rules. I hate the rules.

New rule: No rules!

I want you to mix business with personal.

I want you to call Val on my business line,

invite her over, have a party.

Here, take my credit card. Redecorate the house!

All right.

Maxwell, if you don't mind,

I think I'll handle the negotiations

with Brock's agent.

Oh, honey...

the secret to putting on blush is less is more.

[GIGGLES]

The exact opposite of hairspray.

Oh, isn't it amazing

how our lives are completely the same?

I mean, you're going out with the hottest soap star,

and I'm dating Eddie.

It's scary.

Meanwhile, where's my lipstick?

How do I look?

Like my Aunt Shirley before her cataract surgery.

Here, sweetie.

Fran, can I borrow some perfume?

Oh, sure, help yourself.

Nope, that's my scent. You take the Charlie.

A few drops strategically placed on the pulse points.

Here...here... and one right between the...

eyes.

The eyes?

Yes, the brain is the sexiest organ.

Right, Val? Where's Val?

Oh, what a walk-in.

If it had a bathroom, you could sublet.

Did you smell the padded potpourri hangers?

Please, I had to take an antihistamine.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, come in.

Miss Fine, Mr. Storm's blown in.

VAL: Oh, my God!

I can't believe my best friend's

going out with Brock Storm!

[SCREAMS]

Okay, everyone, let's just calm down.

He's just a person. It's just like any other date.

Now I'm gonna go down,

and I'm gonna say hello to Mr. Brock Storm.

That's all.

Don't start with me, Niles.

So Brock...

Now that you're in a coma on the show,

aren't you afraid of being killed off?

I'll recover the minute we settle my contract.

Uh-huh.

Why? What've you heard?

Ah, Brock, I just got off the phone with your agent,

and I think we'll be able to strike a deal.

Fabulous!

Yes, well, the art of negotiation's

all a matter of--

Oh, I'll tell you later.

Hi, Brock.

Darling, you look spectacular.

Which makes me look even better.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Brock, I want you to meet

my best friend, Valerie Toriello.

Go ahead, Val. Embarrass me.

Oh, Mr. Storm, it's such a thrill to shake your hand.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Two seconds. That's a record.

[GIGGLES]

Well, I hope I dressed okay, Brock.

I didn't know what we were doing.

Anything you want, mon amour...

mon amour.

[GASPS] Take a picture. Take a picture.

Is it just me,

or is he the phoniest human being on earth?

Would that be counting Miss Babcock?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

this is the most exciting night

of my life, and I owe it all to you.

Oh, you don't owe me anything.

You don't owe him anything either.

Nothing is owed.

Don't wait up.

Is everything all right, sir?

Hmm? Oh, of course.

She seems fine with the arrangement.

Indeed, she was floating on air.

Hot air, I might add.

Sir, are you worried that she'll have a bad time or a good one?

You know, Niles, you're starting to get on my nerves.

All in a day's work, sir.

That was a delicious meal, wasn't it?

Who knew happy hour could be so filling?

Do you think my hair looks better

parted on the right or the left?

Well, let's see. You had it parted on the left

for the nachos,

and then you switched it for the buffalo wings, am I right?

Uh-huh.

Why don't you split the diff

and part it down the middle?

Uh, Caleeb, there's my mansion now.

Why don't you just drop me off at the corner.

Driver, keep driving. What's your rush?

It's a school night.

But it's the shank of the evening,

and your eyes beckon me to the shore,

where I will crash upon your lips.

You said the same thing to nurse Judy,

and now she's hanging on an IV pole.

Well, it's time for some intensive care...

And the doctor is in.

That's it!

You know, I have a good mind

to report you toSoap Opera Digest.

You are nothing like Dr. River Shane.

No, but I'm exactly like his evil twin.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Huh?

What are you doing down here?

Were you waiting up for me?

Of course not. I was just reading a book... that's here somewhere.

Is she home yet?

Go back to sleep.

So how was your evening with Brock?

Oh, don't ask.

That guy was only interested in one thing.

Hello, my father was finally right.

I feel like such a loser.

You can't blame yourself. The man's a cad.

I'd like to wring his--

[MUFFLED] Peanuts?

He took advantage of your naiveté

and complete lack of sophistication.

Don't forget incredible stupidity.

Right.

Ugh, what am I doing here?

Take this away from me.

This could easily turn into a 10-pound binge.

I hold myself completely responsible.

I let my own self-interest compromise your virtue.

Oh, are you adorable.

Oh, now, Miss Fine, let's not misconstrue.

I mean, we don't want to mix business with personal.

Oh, you're not starting on that jag again, are you?

We're living together, sort of.

Some of this is bound to happen.

Yeah, I suppose.

You know, it's the strangest thing,

but when you went out that door with him this evening,

I thought if something terrible were to happen,

I would actually care.

Don't gush.

Look at us...

A couple of nut eaters.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

I hope I didn't screw up your play.

Oh, frankly, after the way Brock treated you this evening,

I'm not sure I'd care to work with him anyway.

Oh, too bad, too,

because now he could really hit those high notes.

Good night, Mr. Sheffield.

Does that mean she kicked him in the--?

Good night, Brighton.

[♪♪♪]

Doesshmegegi two G's or three?

That's not a word.

You never heard ofshmegegi?

Oy, you've never met my cousin Ira.

Now, let's see, the double word score makes 30,

and the S turns moron into morons.

Carry the nor--

57 points. Where's the bag?

MAXWELL: No, absolutely not.

I don't want another soap star.

They might be big box office,

but there must be another way to go.

If you hear some beeps, I'm expecting a call from Val.

This is Val.

Fran, I'm stuck. What do I do next?

Let me see...

Gently push the ponytailer through the back of the pony

to create a hairdo that will epitomize fantasy

and femininity. Ow!

Shh! Please, I'm trying to watchOne Day After Another.

Oh, look, they've replaced Brock Storm.

I wonder what happened.

How do you spell "eunuch"?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]