Original subtitles

Come here, mouse.

Come here, little mouse.

Here, little mousey-wousey.

Nothing to be afraid of.

We just want to put you outside.

And then... we're going to kill you.

Niles, why are you being so macho?

It's really unattractiv e.

Yet, somehow, a turn-on.

Miss Fine, need I point out to you

that the inspectors

from the Professional Butler Association

are coming Monday to observe my work

and decide whether to accept me as a member?

Oh, really?

I thought you were joking.

It sounded so ridiculous.

You know, in a profound and important way.

I happen to come from a long line of butlers,

each one a member.

Until my father,

butler to the Duke of Carlisle,

accidentally knocked over a vase.

And for that they kicked him out?

He was wrestling naked with the Duchess at the time.

Well, to each his own, unless Duchess was a sheepdog.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪♪

♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style, she had flair ♪♪

♪♪ She was there ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

All right, children, time to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not going to the museum

in those boots, are you?

My wellies? Yes.

There's a chance of rain.

There's a chance I'll fall off the chair,

but you don't see me wearing a seatbelt.

Your point?

What happened?

You're normally soGQ.

Now, suddenly, you're the Gordon's Fisherman?

Miss Fine,

I didn't hire you as my fashion consultant.

I hired you to take care of the children.

Well, it's my day off.

I fashion consult on the side.

Your son was just elected class president.

Don't be an embarrassment to him on his first day.

Who are you, Billy Carter?

Ah, here he is.

Hail to the chief.

Thank you, thank you. I am a crook.

I still can't believe he got elected.

Why?

Well, that means someone had to vote for you.

Now, Maggie, you should be proud of your brother.

He worked very hard on his campaign.

You wrote his speeches,

came up with his campaign platform,

and organized his school bus tour.

He's my Hillary.

Well, it all paid off.

Aren't you glad I talked you into running?

Mm-hmm. Now you're a winner, like your old man.

Did I tell you I was president of my house at Eton?

ALL: Yes!

Well, I was.

But this is your victory, and we're all very proud of you.

President Sheffield.

He's a man of vision and a leader amongst men.

Thank you.

Now, zip your fly.

So, now we're off to celebrate Brighton's achievement

by taking in the German Expressionist show at the Met.

There's a fine line

between reward and punishment in this house.

I love Edvard Munch's painting The Scream.

So, Fran, what are you doing on your day off?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm not doing.

I am not having lunch

with my Uncle Jack and Cousin Marsha,

who are visiting from Boca.

Believe me, an afternoon with Jack and Marsha--

Well, don't ask.

I don't think I did.

Jack was always trying to one-up my mother.

We bought a Skylark. He bought an El Dorado.

We moved to Flushing. He moved to Florida.

I'm telling you, she could never win--

Oh, yeah, once.

She grew a mustache before him.

Go, go. Have a good time.

All right everybody. Come on.

I'll see you later. Goodbye Fran.

Oh, has Mr. Sheffield gone?

Yeah, they just left,

and, boy, could they talk your ear off.

That's too bad. Lauren Bacall just sent over some Beluga caviar.

Oh, caviar.

For Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, yeah, of course.

You make the toast. I'll write the thank-you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come here, little fish egg.

Come to mama.

Oh.

Hi, Ma.

Hi, darling.

What are you doing here?

I got to tell you about my lunch with Jack and Marsha.

And I was having such a nice day.

So we're sitting, we're eating.

and as usual, Jack is going on and on about Marsha--

Marsha and her doctor husband,

Marsha and her four-carat solitaire,

Marsha and her beachfront property

right next to Dan Marino.

Who the hell is Dan Marino?

How the hell should I know?

Anyway, I was just about to scream

when they asked me about you.

So I told them that you eloped

with a rich Broadway producer,

and you're living in a palace on the Upper East Side.

Oh, Ma, what's the matter with you?

What?

You left out the butler.

Meanwhile, how'd they take the good news? Crushed?

Devastated.

Better.

You should have seen the look on their face.

I would have liked to.

You will.

Oh, no.

No way, Ma. Where are they?

Looking for a place to park.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, good. They found one.

Oh, forget it, Ma. I'm not doing this.

Fine. That's your choice.

It's good to have choices.

Not that I had a choice

when I was in labor with you

for 10 hours...

With that big head.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

Darling, do it for me.

It'll shut Jack up once and for all.

Oh, Ma, is it really so important to you

that I have to pretend to be something I'm not?

Would you?

No!

Hi!

So you caught a husband!

Thank God you're not an old maid anymore.

Welcome to my home!

Huh, Jack, huh?

Is this a palace?

She's living like Siegfried and Roy.

Not bad.

How many square feet?

Oh, we don't get into all that.

As long as we're comfortable, that's all that matters.

Your place is what, darling?

3,800.

Ours is 38,000.

The upstairs is enormous.

I'd put out a spread,

but, um, the butler is off today.

The butler, Jack.

Yeah, I heard, Syl.

Well, this has just been fabulous,

but, you know, if you guys missed your flight,

I'd just never forgive myself.

Fran, you don't think we'd go home

before we met the lucky man.

You mean you want to meet Mr. Sheffield?

You call your husband Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, well, that's just a pet name,

you know... Shef, Sheffie.

Chef Boy-ar-dee.

Ma, stay out of my private life.

Anyway, unfortunately,

Maxwell is at a rehearsal.

He's rehearsing "Sunday In The Park With George",

so he won't be home till Monday.

Ma, is there oxygen on your planet?

Aunt Sylvia, you are such a kidder.

We'll wait.

You mean, you're just gonna stay here until he comes home?

We got full-fare tickets, no restrictions.

We can stay forever.

I'm just going to run down to the bank.

Honey, you're home!

Beg your pardon?

The rehearsal went quick, huh?

These are my relatives from Boca.

FRAN: Oh, Sheffie, stop it!

He is so naughty.

You're Mr. Sheffield, I'm your wife,

and we're deliriously happy.

Ahem. This is a big favor you're asking.

So was keeping my mouth shut

about the crack in the Ming vase.

Maxwell Sheffield, producer.

Jack Norman, realtor.

How do you do? I'm Marsha. So nice to meet you.

Likewise, and you are?

Your mother-in-law.

Oh, right! Ha, ha, ha! Of course!

I was drunk at the wedding.

How are you, Mumsy?

So, Max...

Max! Oh, that's me.

I take it business is very good?

Oh, yes, too good.

Yes, I curse every moment

I'm away from my beautiful bride.

Oh, Shef.

Of course, I hobnob with the rich and famous,

but the only time I'm truly happy

is when I'm with her.

She's my center, my compass, the light of my life.

Sorry. Sometimes I just get swept up in the magic that is Fran.

Well, who could blame you?

So, where are your kids?

I want to meet your kids.

Or should I say his kids,

because, you know, they're not the fruit of your womb.

Yeah, that's why this womb could still wear a bikini.

Unfortunately,

the children, who adore my sweet Fran,

went to the museum.

They're very cultured.

They're off by themselves?

In this city?

Marsha, please.

What kind of a mother do you think I am?

They're with, um...

Who are they with?

Niles, the butler.

I thought it was his day off.

It is, but it's, uh,

what do they call it again?

I can't wait to hear.

Uh... Butler Day at the museum.

Butler Day?

Sure. Bring a butler, get a free beverage.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah.

Oh, please, babe, you always get the door.

Let me wait on you for a change.

Oh...

Who are you?

Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.

We're from the Professional Butlers' Association.

We're here to observe Niles.

May we come in?

In here? Now? Oy.

I thought you guys weren't supposed to be here till Monday.

But it's our policy to show up early

to catch the prospective member unawares.

But, unfortunately, Niles isn't here,

is he, darling?

Uh, no, darling. I'm afraid Niles is out.

Well, y'all come back and see us, y'hear?

Actually, darling, that might not be good.

If they came back to observe Niles,

they might confuse him with someone else.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, what the hell. Come in.

We'll tell you everything you need to know about Niles.

I take it, sir,

you are the master of the house?

Apparently.

These guys are from the Butlers' Association,

and they want to talk to me...

and him... Max,

about our butler, Niles, who isn't here.

Ma, you got a Rolaids?

Are you fellows also butlers?

Yes, we are.

Well, I'm surprised you're not at the museum.

You're not gonna believe this.

They closed the museum because of a bomb threat.

Huh, What kind of a world are we living in?

Here.

And who is this person?

That would be... Niles, the butler.

I leave this house for just 20 minutes,

and I come back

to some bizarre parallel universe.

You're me, I'm you,

and you're married to her.

He could do worse.

And I have.

Please, sir, I would be the last to coerce you--

Coerce, coerce.

I would point out that if Miss Fine's relations

see through our little charade,

they'll never let her forget it,

or her poor mother.

And if you don't do this for Niles,

he'll never get into the Butlers' Association,

and his family name will be mud forever.

By the way, Niles, what is your family name?

It's just Niles... Like Cher.

The important thing is, your employees are bonding.

It's a beautiful thing.

Yes.

Perhaps you'll get your next job together.

Father, I think we should go along with it.

Fran and Niles do so much for us.

It's the least we can do for them.

Oh, how sweet.

And I get to boss Daddy around.

It's absurd.

I'm not doing it, and that's final.

Speaking as an elected official,

what we have here is domestic gridlock.

[AS GEORGE BUSH] A failure of the Executive Branch

and the House to work together.

I still can't believe someone voted for you.

No, no.

Brighton's thinking is good,

his point being that what we need here

is a compromise.

Meaning I do what you want, and compromise my integrity.

That's democracy in action.

All in favor? ALL: Aye!

Look, if you can pull off this charade, fine,

but I'll have no part in it,

and neither will the children.

So you're saying we have no rights.

None whatsoever.

Just checking.

I am so parched.

You got something to drink?

Niles.

Sorry. You got something to drink, Niles?

Uh, where's he going?

I believe somebody asked for a drink.

Uh, there are drinks in the kitchen.

Please help yourselves.

Such insolence.

How can you put up with it?

Well, we've been together for many years.

Many, many years.

It's a question of loyalty.

And friendship.

You can't really blame the butler.

After all, the help reflects the hostess,

and let's face it,

poor Franny here is in way over her head.

Will that be crushed ice or cubes, sir?

All right, Dad-- ee-o... my butler,

with whom I have a cool, kinda hepcat,

kinda beatnik--

Shut up, Brighton.

Thank you.

Ahem.

I apologize for a momentary lapse.

The bomb scare must have rattled my nerves.

Yeah, he's been a wreck ever since

all that unpleasantness in the Falklands.

Ah, you saw action too. What ship were you on?

The other one.

Oh, Niles... The butler?

Yes, Grace?

I love this.

While you're at it, how about some ice cream?

Will there be anything else?

Can I have a soda?

We can have anything we want.

He's Niles, the butler.

Oh, Niles, do you know what I'm thinking?

What, Brighton?

That's Master Brighton.

I'll be having my ice cream in the soda,

and a round of Oreos for my friends.

I don't think your father

would approve of all these sweets

in the middle of the day.

Well, that's not really your call,

is it, Niles, old man?

Can we, Daddy, please?

Oh, just this once.

You're the coolest, Dad.

She never says that to me.

That's because you're Niles, the butler.

Right.

And a fabulous butler he is.

We'll be the judge of that.

No pressure.

Are these darling children or what?

Gorgeous.

We're very proud of Brighton.

He was just elected president of his class.

[AS RONALD REAGAN] Aw, shucks, Mommy.

There you go again.

How impressive.

You should see my Libby.

Here she is at the equestrian center.

Oh, beautiful smile.

That's Lightning.

That's Libby.

Oh, look. She's got your nose. The old one.

Oh, Niles, back again so soon?

Speedy service, as always.

Thank you sir. All part of being a good butler.

Oh, he is just a master at physical comedy.

Yes. Enough, Niles. You're killing me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Would you like me to get it?

Oh! No.

I'm the butler. I'll get it.

What now?

It's probably for you. Everyone I know is here.

Hey, Brighton.

Dettman, hi. What are you doing here?

I came here to invite you to the inaugural party.

Great! Thanks! Bye.

Hear that, Marsha?

They're throwing a party for the president.

Yeah, Brighton, I wanted you to be there,

even though I slaughtered you.

MAXWELL: What?

Brighton, what's going on here?

Forget it. It's nothing.

No, no, no.

I want to know what this is all about.

This butler is a real butt-in-ski.

I lost the election, okay?

You lost?

Brighton?

I knew no one would vote for him.

Brighton, I just don't understand.

Why would you say you won if you lost?

It seemed really important to you.

Maybe it was all that talk

about you being president at Eton.

I just mentioned it in passing.

Well, 15 or 20 times.

I just wanted you to think I was a winner, like you.

Angel, nobody wins all the time.

For every hit your father has,

he's had a ton of flops, am I right?

Well, I suppose--

How many flops have you had?

I really couldn't say.

Well, a ballpark. How many flops?

I think he's got the point.

You know what I'm getting at, Angel?

Yeah. We're all a bunch of losers.

No. Nobody's a loser.

Except my cousin Ira,

but that's another story.

You're a good man, Brighton.

Whatever happens, you can always tell me the truth.

Really? Well, of course.

I mean, what kind of parent would want his child

to pretend he's something he's not?

My mother.

Excuse me.

Oh, sure. They got their own Lear Jet.

They flew me to Pennsylvania

for a Hershey.

Well, I'm lucky if she drives me

to the dog track.

Okay, Ma, enough with the charade.

Eighty-six it.

I got them eating out of my hand.

Give it up, Ma. It's over.

God, you were just like this with Perot.

From now on, we're telling the truth.

I'm not married,

this is not my house,

and I'm the nanny here.

And I work for Mister--

Mm, mm, mm... Sheffield.

You're a nanny?

Did you hear this, Daddy?

She's just a nanny!

Who asked you anyway, you big green cow?

Maggie.

What?

It's turquoise.

If I may speak as just the butler,

I was here before Miss Fine's arrival,

and I can tell you,

she has made this house

more... chaotic, more contentious...

definitely louder.

Now, she and Mr. Sheffield

may not always see eye-to-eye,

but at the risk of overstepping,

I don't think I've seen him or the children

this happy for a very long time.

Oh, thank you, Mister... Niles.

That was a very moving speech.

And totally inappropriate.

I'll decide what's inappropriate

in my home.

I like a bit of sentiment among the servants.

Did you hear that, Daddy? Servant.

Yeah. That must really hurt, Syl.

Oh, shut up, Jack.

At least she's got a job.

I wouldn't trade my Fran

for all the Marshas in Miami.

Now, go get the car. I'll meet you out front.

It's not turquoise. It's emerald.

Well... This has been a most unusual visit.

But, despite the charade being played all around you,

you managed to maintain your dignity.

Niles, we'd like to welcome you

to the Professional Butlers' Association.

I don't know what to say.

I'm... really rather touched.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Good afternoon, all.

Oy.

I just had a fabulous conversation

with our investors,

and I think I secured the St. James Theater

for January.

That's wonderful!

Uh, did you hear that, Mr. Sheffield?

Yes, I heard, and I'm very excited.

Niles, Maxwell, what's going on here?

He's Niles?

He's Mr. Sheffield?

Who are they?

We're from the Professional Butlers' Association,

and it seems we've been duped.

Hold it a second, boys.

I'd like to know when the last time

you've seen a boss go to such lengths

for his butler

and make such a complete and utter fool of himself.

Not that you weren't adorable.

The nanny has a point.

Yes, and we do need the dues.

You're in!

Oh!

We'll show ourselves out.

We're butlers. We know where the door is.

Oh, I feel totally cleansed.

Everything is out in the open.

No more secrets.

Incidentally, Max, I ran into Lauren Bacall at the theater,

and she wanted to know if you got the caviar she sent.

[♪♪♪]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]