Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[SNORING]

[WHISPERING]

Chris.

CHRIS ROCK: Because I had to catch the bus

to go all the way across town to get to school,

I got 10 hours less sleep a week

than anyone else in my class.

[BELL RINGS]

One time, I fell asleep so long,

I woke up with a mustache.

Did I miss anything?Not this time.

You gotta watch it. You were this close to getting caught.

Well, at least it's Friday.

I'll get a chance to sleep in tomorrow.

Man, there was nothing like being in bed

on a Saturday morning, dreaming my favorite dream:

me sleeping in on a Saturday morning.

You gonna watch Rockytomorrow?

My favorite movie of all time wasRocky.

A black man kicking a white guy's ass.

My father thought the movie should've been calledApollo.

Oh, I can't.

My TV's out.No TV all weekend?

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah.

So, what are you gonna do?I'm going to sleep.

I was so sleepy, instead of counting sheep,

I was counting sleep.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪

The only person who loved sleep more than me was my father.

And right now, he's dreaming his favorite dream.

I've been working here a long time.

I've never seen anybody pay bills like you.

You got two jobs or something?Just one.

Can I help you with something else?

Can I have my three cents change?

ROCHELLE:

Julius.

Julius!Yo, I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

Where are my keys?No, no, baby!

You don't have to go to work.

Today is Saturday.

You woke me up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning?

Are you crazy?No, look, wait.

I was looking through the paper

and they're having TVs on sale in Queens.

Look, 199 for a color 19-inch?!

Nineteen-inch TV? Hey!

Now guys have those in their headrests,

but back then, it was a big deal.

Rochelle, I can get this same TV for half that.

All I gotta do is wait for my man Risky to get one.

That means he has to wait for his man Risky to steal one.

Oh, no, no, no, I am tired of Risky.

Everything we get from him breaks down.

What are you doing?I'm ironing.

I got you an iron from Risky.It broke.

Damn, Risky.

What are you doing?I'm making toast.

I got you a toaster from Risky.It broke!

Damn, Risky.

Are you sure?Like I told you

for the hundredth time, I'm pregnant.

I thought you used a condom.I did.

Damn Risky.

What are you doing now?

I'm reading the small print.Yeah.

199 for a 19-inch TV.Uh-huh.

Must be a catch.

No! The catch is if they run out,

we won't be getting one. Now, get up!

ROCHELLE: Chris!

Chris!Huh?! What?

Get up. I need you to go to the laundromat.

I don't want to go. I'm tired.

Me and your father are going to buy a new TV today.

So I need you to do this!

Come on, if you do this,

I'll let you watch Rockytonight.

So, please, do not mix the colors and the whites.

And those dryers get real hot, so set it to medium

so you won't shrink anything, okay?

I didn't hear a word after, "Get up."

I can't take all that by myself.Drew and Tonya are going.

Do I have to take Tonya?You need help, don't you?!

Now, hurry up!

It's Saturday morning. All the machines will be taken.

I know you don't want to be there all day.

Just everybody get up.

There are three places

a kid doesn't wanna be on the weekend:

at a funeral...[SOBBING] Why? Oh, why?

...at a woman's department store...

and at a laundromat on a Saturday morning.

A laundromat is a place where really poor people go

to wash their clothes.

You don't want that one, that's broke.

Use the other, use that one.

I was gonna use this one.

You better get out of my face, little boy.

At the laundromat, even a nice woman

would smack her mother twice for an empty machine.

Okay, y'all go check those machines

and see what cycles they're on.

I don't wanna check it, you check it.

Well, then go sit down.

I don't wanna sit down.Well, then stand up.

It took me years to realize

if you want a girl to do something,

you gotta tell her to do the opposite.

Here's your chicken.You better not bring me dessert.

I'll get you what I wanna get you!

Only one place that didn't work: the bedroom.

Okay, this one's on spin.

And this one's on wash.

Good, now, I need you to watch them.

Can I get the quarters?

No. I don't want you to lose them.

Ain't nobody gonna lose nothing.

It's just right there.

She looked at me like I stole her cocoa.

Fine.

I would've let her smack me silly

if it would have made her act right.

Rocky, here I come.

You into martial arts?

Yeah. Why?

Want to learn some kill moves?Yeah.

The only thing Drew loved more than candy

was learning how to break a neck.

Right there under the guy's nose, you just take it...

Boom!

[MUTTERING SOFTLY]

[QUARTERS TINKLING ON FLOOR]

Tonya, what'd I tell you?!

Well, you could at least help.

I would if you'd stop hollering.You're the one who dropped them!

[SIGHS]

Wake me up when that machine stops.

I ain't waking you up.

Tonya, I'm not playing with you.

Now, wake me up when that machine stops!

Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl

is 'cause my father wanted a boy.

Oh, that's nice. Oh!

Okay, let me tell you the rules.

Okay.We're gonna get a TV.

Mm-hm. Not a VCR.

I hear you. I got you.Not a couch.

A TV. No problem.

And if it doesn't cost 199, we're going home.

Yeah, right.

Well, can I at least look around?

Last time you went "looking around,"

I ended up buying a house.Can I help you?

Yeah, we're here for the 199 19-inch color TV.

I'm sorry, we sold out of those.

Sale's been going since Monday.Thank you. Okay, let's go.

I'm sure we can find something else you might like.

See?You probably can,

but if it's not a TV for 199, you don't need to show it to me.

No, no, no, wait, baby.

Now, let's just...

look around for a little while.You got "looking around" money?

Sir, I don't mean to intrude, but you a union man?

Um, yeah, I'm in the local. Why?

Says right here, show me a union card,

you get credit on the spot.Say what?!

Let's just say my mother didn't have

the best history with credit.

Put it on the card. She bought shoes,

she bought clothes, she'd buy money, if they let her.

Put it on the card.

There was nothing my mother wouldn't put on a credit card.

Put this on my card.Lady, you can't pay

your credit card bill with your credit card.

What about this one?

We came here to get a $199 TV, not a credit card.

But you could use one, right?

We'll give you a $500 limit,

no payments for six months.

We'll get you out of here with a TV.

Come on.Wait, wait, baby.

Let's think about this for a moment.

If the kids keep watching that TV,

they'll mess up their eyes,

and if they can't see, they might wander

into the street and get hit by a bus.

Now, do you want three crippled kids or a new TV?

Lady's got a point.See?

Would you please?This is...nice!

Instead of watching the machines like I told him,

Drew was perfecting the Flying Monkey Death Claw.

One more time, one more time, one more time.

Aah! Man, what are you doing?!

Damn, black Yoda.

Uh-uh...

Uh-uh.

Oh!

How come you didn't wake me up?

You don't tell me what to do.Where'd you get that?

That machine.You spent our quarters?

I was thirsty.Oh, man, we need those!

We won't even have enough for the dryers!

So?

What happened to our clothes?I don't know.

Drew, who took our clothes?

Wasn't me.

Somebody stole our clothes.

It's not my fault.

Yes, it is. Instead of going to get a soda,

how come you weren't watching the clothes?

How come youweren't watching them?

I was asleep! I told you to wake me up!

You're always messing stuff up. I hate you!

I don't care.

Where you going?None of your business,

that's where I'm going.

♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪

Hey, little man. Everything all right?

I lost my clothes.

What you mean, you lost your clothes?

They were in two baskets.

I was waiting for the machine and fell asleep.

What they look like?Um, I don't know,

there's lots of stuff.

Pants, underwear, socks.

Uh-huh. Is that them over there?

Yeah! Thanks.Yeah, right, uh-huh.

Go ahead with your bad self.

[MACHINE BUZZES]

At the laundromat, empty washing machines

come around less than a Sade tour.

[♪♪♪]

Terrell Owens ain't got nothin' on her.

I'm using this one.

Oh! Little dude from across the street.

Why don't you let me hold a quarter?

Didn't mama say not to mix the coloreds with the whites?

I only have enough quarters for one machine and the dryers.

[GRUNTS]

Finish this and watch the clothes.

I'm gonna go find Tonya.

All you got to do is sign on the dotted line and we're all set.

I'm reading the small print.It don't mean nothing.

Then why'd they put it on here?It's just technicalities.

Seventeen percent?

That's kind of high, ain't it?It's not unusual.

Brooklyn Bridge ain't unusual, but it's still high.

You should've seen him at tax time.

Done yet, baby? I want to show you something.

I'm reading the contract.

Oh, just hurry up and sign that thing and come on.

I want to show you this couch.

The only thing that made my mother happier

than having a man with two jobs was getting a new couch.

Girl, did I tell you I was getting married?

Ooh, that is nice.

But did I show you my new couch?

No amount of good news could compare

to my mother getting a new couch.

It's all leather.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, listen, you sign it now, I'm gonna give you a $700 limit.

Seven--

Seven hundred dollars?

Julius, do you know what I could do with $700?!

Unfortunately, he does. Thank you!

Rochelle, do you know how long

it's gonna take me to pay off $700?

Hm?

Oh, but Julius...

If the most important thing to my mother was buying a couch,

the most important thing to my father was paying it off.

Oh, Julius, where have you been?

I just dropped Tonya off at college.

They hired Chris to replace me on my first job,

and Drew to replace me on my second job.

I paid off the house, car, light bill and the gas.

We don't owe anybody a single dime.

I'm gonna take a nap and get the hell out of here

before you spend some more money.

This is a good deal.

See, baby, we could get a lot of stuff we need.

I mean, it's on credit. What are you worried about?

It's on credit. That's what I'm worried about.

I'm gonna go look at the couch again.

I didn't know where Tonya was,

but I was praying she went home.

[BUZZING]

Come on.

What?

Open the door.I ain't opening nothing.

I'm telling Mama and Daddy that you said you hate me

and you left me in the house by myself.

My mother didn't care what I said to Tonya

just as long as I didn't leave her someplace by herself.

Didn't I tell you not to leave your sister here by herself?!

I didn't know she was gonna sell the house.

[SIGHS]

Open the door!No!

Why can't you do what I tell you sometimes?

You said you hate me. I ain't doing nothing.

That's why I hate you!

Every time I try to do something,

you always mess it up.

I'm always stuck with you!

I don't feel like your brother,

I feel like a 13-year-old father.

Dag, man. You're a 13-year-old father too?

I know he doesn't look 13,

but having kids will do that to you.

She's not my daughter.

She's my sister.

I can work you out a great deal on the TV,

the sofa, dining room set.

Get it today, I'll save you some money.

If I don't get it at all, I'll save more. Let's go.

Now, wait a minute, Julius.

You work, I work-- Well, sometimes.

I'm just saying, you don't have to be so ch...

You think I want to be cheap?

I'd love to buy everything in the store,

but I don't have it like that, Rochelle.

I don't.

My father wasn't bald when he got married,

but one hair fell out for every bill he got.

You know what, forget it, baby.

Huh?

If I buy this stuff, that means you'll have to work even harder,

which means you'll be home even less.

And when you do get home, I'll be mad,

you'll get tired of it, we'll end up in a divorce,

and I'll end up with some old-ass furniture and no man.

And if you thinkyou leaving me for a white woman,

you got another thing coming.

I know you think she's doing this out of love,

but watch this.

What?

Hold on a minute.

How much for this one?

Can we get that one?

It's just more state-of-the-art.

It has the buttons and knobs that...

I love you. We're getting that one right there.

Okay.On sale.

Were you able to get the clothes done?

We have a little problem.Oh!

I told you not to put the coloreds in with the whites.

Mama's gonna kill me.

Hold on, I think I can fix this.

Excuse me, miss.Yes?

My brother put coloreds in with the whites.

Now everything's pink. Could you help us

get the clothes white again or my mother's gonna kill him?

Aw, I'll be happy to.Thank you.

How'd you do that?I don't know.

When Drew turned 18, that woman looked him up.

Not to be her boyfriend, she just loved doing his laundry.

Wow!

See, whiter than they were when you brought them in.

Hey, thanks.

You want me to teach you a kill move?

No, that's okay.

When you turn 18, you call me, okay?

Okay.

Let's go get these in the dryers.

Even though my mother was gonna kill me about Tonya,

at least she had clean clothes to bury me in.

Hey, boys.I have something to tell you!

Wait, wait, your dad's got something to show you. Come on.

A new TV!Yeah!

Yeah!TONYA: Oh!

There's something about knowing

you have an ass whipping coming up

that overshadows a brand-new TV.

Heh, so, what'd you want to tell me, Tonya?

I, uh... I had fun at the laundromat.

JULIUS: That's nice.ROCHELLE: Good.

What about you, Chris? What did you have to say?

CHRIS: Uh...

Can I still watch Rocky?Sure.

How'd you get the money for a TV like this?

Oh, your daddy got it on credit.

KIDS: Credit?!Yeah.

Since you got this on credit,

think you could get me some new nunchucks?

You know, a kimono?No, look.

We're not getting no more on credit

till this is paid off.Can we watch Three's Company?

No!Yes!

I need to watch basketball!Yes, she can.

It's only a half-hour.

Tonya sure was lucky she didn't tell,

'cause I was two seconds away

from hitting her with the monkey claw.

I thought you were gonna tell on me.

I was.

But I decided not to.

Do you hate me, for real?

No, I don't really hate you.

It's just that you get on my nerves sometimes.

I'm sorry.

So did you get your clothes clean?

Yeah.

That's good.

Just because I said "I'm sorry,"

doesn't mean I'm not gonna get you in trouble again.

And if I say "I hate you," you better not get mad.

[SIGHS]

CHRIS: Ooh, good jab.

Oh!JULIUS: Oh!

Drew.

Before I went to sleep that night,

I had to watch my favorite movie,Rocky.

It was the perfect way to end the day.

Chris!

Almost perfect.

♪ Everybody hates Chris. ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪