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Jenny?

Christian?

I thought it was you.

Oh. Hi.

You're half an hour early.

Yes, yeah. So are you.

I haven't looked at anything. OK.

I was just waiting...

Do you want anything? No.

What do you mean?

I don't know. Just, before we...

OK, so will we just...

Yeah. Shall we just, get it over with?

Oh, sorry.

It says here she makes them out of, erm...

Er, "recycled materials".

Right.

I like the colour.

Yeah.

Sorry!

I'm sorry, I didn't really know that it was going to be so, erm...

No! Sorry, erm...

She's quite popular in Norway.

It's weird, isn't it?

What? What?

Having to make conversation with somebody you don't really know.

You get used to it.

Yeah. Suppose you do.

Once you've been on a couple, you don't really feel it any more.

Oh, right, you've been on a few of these, then, have you?

You could say that.

Cool. Cool.

How many's that?

Seven. Last week.

Right.

Four this week. Well, three. You're the fourth.

Wow. Right, so that's 11 in two weeks. Wow.

You're getting stuck in, aren't you?

Which is great. I mean, that's...

That's value for money.

So, how have they been, the, um, 11 dates?

Not great!

To tell the truth.

No. One guy brought his sister with him,

but sat her at a different table so I couldn't see her.

Turns out she filmed the whole thing on her phone.

She filmed? Why?

He puts them on YouTube, apparently.

Another guy, he set himself on fire with a napkin, I swear.

I had to take him to A&E.

He then fainted,

and then I had to get him in a cab home and pay for it.

And then the first one, oh, God.

I mean, they're freaks, the lot of them. Total...

Do I have some sort of sign on my head saying "sucker" or something?

No, honestly. Do I?

No, you don't! No.

The best one, the guy brought his pet spider in a jar with him.

No!

Yeah, I am serious! He said it was poorly

and he couldn't leave it at home on its own.

You went on a date with a man and his spider?

Well, I asked him to put it under the table, but...

A spider?! Why didn't you just leave?

I don't want to be rude.

OK, I see. You're too nice.

I mean, how hard can it be to just meet a nice, normal guy?

That's all I want.

And I know you're not supposed to say that on a first date.

Supposed to sound desperate or whatever,

but what have I got to lose?

You're probably a necrophiliac or something, knowing my luck.

No, I'm not a necrophiliac.

I just want to meet a nice man, buy a house and put a ring on my finger.

And I don't know why that's so hard.

Look.

See this?

That is my ex-fiance's profile page. OK.

See the woman in the wedding dress standing beside him? Yeah.

That's not me. No.

It was supposed to be me. Great.

We spent five years talking about it being me, and yet that isn't me!

OK.

It's not fair, you know?

Some of the world's worst people have managed to get married.

Hitler got married.

Stalin got married.

Those people on I'm A Celebrity get married every day of the week.

Just, what is so wrong with me?

Sorry.

Did Hitler get married?

Yes. In the bunker.

I did not know that.

Two days before he took the cyanide.

I'm so sorry, I realise this is a bit weird.

It isn't, please, don't.

I kind of think it's kind of refreshing, actually.

Oh, yeah? Right!

It is. Seriously. It's nice to hear somebody speak the truth for once.

You know, you know what you want. Nothing wrong with that.

It makes men run a mile.

Not all men.

Oh, my God!

You're so, you're so fucking hot.

Am I?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God!

Yeah. Fuck! Jesus!

- Oh, I'm gonna come, wait! - Fuck, fuck!

Wait for just a... Oh, my God!

Oh!

Ah!

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

Ow!

Sorry!

God.

Ah!

Oh, my God!

You're one very bad primary schoolteacher.

OK. Come here.

Come here. Ah!

Ah, this is my favourite part of sex.

Really?

Yeah, definitely.

I don't normally do this.

Somebody I've just met,

like, an hour and 47 minutes ago.

OK.

And I wouldn't want you to think that I do this all the time.

Just don't, OK? I really don't.

What? You sound like as if you're guilty of something.

No, I'm not guilty.

Don't feel guilty.

Guilt? It's just something that organised religion has invented,

to make people feel bad about themselves, you know?

Jesus Christ never, never had any time for guilt.

Jesus Christ?

People believe such crazy bullshit, don't they?

I mean, if you actually look at the Scriptures,

if you actually look at what Jesus said, it's got nothing

to do with making people feel bad about themselves, you know?

He was about love.

You know, he was about forgiveness.

Oh. I didn't realise you were religious.

I'm not religious.

I mean, I think religion is a tool.

I don't want to worship someone else's god.

I've got my own relationship with Him.

Actually, I want to show you something.

Sorry.

Here.

What's this?

It's the Perfect Ten.

Perfect Ten?

Basically it's just the Ten Commandments,

except more, like... user-friendly.

Did you write this?

Yeah, well, no. One of the guys from the group wrote it.

I can't take full credit for it.

I was more, more of a consultant.

Right.

So the idea, right, is that it's simple.

It's really easy, accessible. No bells and whistles.

So instead of, erm,

"Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother", it's, erm, "Look After Mum and Dad."

"Thou shalt not steal"? "Don't steal."

It's easy, you know?

And we wrote a little, a little paragraph about it

at the side of it, you see? Ah!

Because stealing isn't just about stealing things, you know?

It's about feeling "I'm not enough. I need to steal!"

But you are enough! You know? You are enough!

You. You're enough.

Anyway. Sorry. Listen to me banging on.

No, it's really interesting.

Sorry. I got a little bit carried away!

Er, could I, could I just stop you for one second?

So, are you part of, like, a church or something?

No. We would never call ourselves a church. No.

It's just a group of like-minded people, you know?

Getting together, searching for meaning, OK?

Oh!

It's not a cult.

Oh, good.

You don't have to worry about any of that Catholic stuff.

Shame...

And repression.

Guilt, and all that stuff.

We're very, very, very, very cool, yeah?

We're cool!

You didn't have to go to any trouble.

It's our first date, I'm wooing you.

That's you, there.

Thank you.

So, what do you think?

Looks lovely.

Powerful stuff, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. No, it's very clear.

Yeah, but there's an actual,

you know, there's an actual message in it.

We started doing these Saturday workshops in prisons.

And some of these guys, you know, they're not going anywhere fast.

Some of them are actually in there for life,

and the conditions there, the conditions... Fuck.

But I always say to them, you're perfect, you know?

Whatever you've done, whatever it is, I don't care.

Whatever it is.

You're perfect, and you will always be forgiven.

Isn't that kind of wrong?

What do you mean?

Well, if you can always be forgiven, you can just do whatever you want.

I'm not quite following you.

I just mean, you know, you could...

lie or murder or hurt someone,

and if you get caught you just ask for forgiveness and that's that.

No responsibility.

Right, I see.

Do we need to talk about this, do we?

Er, what?

Your problem with belief.

I don't have a problem with belief.

It's not exactly my thing, but, you know, everyone's entitled...

I mean, I might not believe in elves, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Elves?

That was a bad example, I suppose.

It's just a big part of my life, you know what I mean?

And I want to be able to share it with you.

Listen, you know, I used to be like you.

I understand, you know?

I understand what it's like to completely lose control of your life.

I wouldn't say I've completely lost control of my...

There were times when things were pretty dark for me.

Dark?

Yeah, I had, erm, you know, issues.

Addictions, and all that.

Yeah?

You've no idea how painful it is to keep on doing something

and keep on doing something even though you know it's wrong, but...

..you just can't stop.

Must be awful.

It was, yeah.

But, anyway, when I found the group, everything changed.

So, what do you believe in?

Oh, no, I don't want to talk about that.

Why?

I'm not good with confrontation.

It's not confrontation, it's just conversation.

You're safe.

My relationship with God is complicated.

OK.

In that I don't think he actually exists.

OK.

You know, if he exists then why do so many bad things happen, you know?

Why would he let people die of liver cancer,

or why would he let wars and natural disasters happen?

Why would he let children get brutally murdered,

or people's weddings get cancelled a few weeks before the ceremony,

leaving them humiliated in front of their friends and family?

Why would he do those things if he exists? Makes no sense.

To me.

But I could be wrong.

I appreciate your honesty.

Thank you.

I think we're really building something, you know?

Building something?

Something real.

Do you not think?

No, yeah. Yeah.

We don't have to have everything in common, do we?

No, just our truths.

No, I know what it's like to do something that you know is wrong

but you can't stop.

Do you?

I take... I take things.

Well, I used to take things sometimes that didn't belong to me.

What sort of things?

Just whatever, you know, like a pen, or a mascara, a purse.

I didn't mean to, I didn't even want to most of the time, I just...

You just couldn't help it, yeah?

Yeah.

Do you think I'm bad?

No, I think you're brave for telling me.

Thank you.

You haven't taken anything from me, have you?

No! God, I wouldn't.

OK.

I'm joking.

No, not yet.

I think you should come to a meeting, you know?

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, maybe. You might get something out of it.

Never know.

I'm going to take a shower now, I think.

OK, yeah. Do you want me to go?

No, no, you stay. You can have one after.

Make yourself nice and fresh, yeah?

OK.

OK, back in a minute.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

Who are you?

Jenny.

What the fuck are you doing in my bedroom, Jenny?

With Chris?

I see.

Are you a prostitute?

No!

No, I... teach primary school.

Just checking.

You never know, do you?

Right.

Well...

I guess that's that.

Do you know what I was just thinking?

If you're...

Sweet Jesus.

Helen, Helen, what are you doing here?

Erm, I am spring cleaning.

- OK, now, hang on a second... - You piece of shit.

You promised you'd finished with that website.

- You promised me you'd get help. - I am, I am. I am getting help.

Oh, Jesus! Helen, Helen, calm down.

Since you joined that fucking group, you haven't been able to keep it in your pants!

No, no, that is not true! Don't say that!

You haven't changed. I can't trust a word you say!

Well, maybe that's the reason that we're in this mess, Helen!

Maybe that's the point, you not trusting me!

No wonder I seek comfort with other... With other women.

You will not meet me halfway!

Helen! Helen!

Helen!

Helen! Will you just listen to me?!

What are you doing?!

Where are you going?

Get out.

Oh, yeah, that's it, run away.

- That's it, that's your answer for everything. - Now.

OK.

I will. Fine.

May God forgive you.

And you.

My shoe...

I'm really sorry, I didn't realise...

I'm so sorry you had to see that.

Are you mad?

Not mad, Jenny.

Not mad. Married.

Look, I know that it seems like I...

You don't know what it's like. You don't know what she's like, you know?

You're single, you're free, you can be who you want,

you're not crushed by that endless...

Spending your whole time with one person, you know?

I don't actually think it's natural.

I try, you know?

Oh, God, it's such a mess.

I don't know what to do.

Is there any chance I might be able to stay in your house tonight?

I know it's a really big ask.

I do know, but...

It's just, my head is all over the place now.

I could just do with a friendly face.

No, I don't know...

Please, Jenny?

Please?

OK.

I guess.

Thank you.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

OK. Can you hold that?

I'll just get some shoes on.

Oh, God, what a day.

Maybe we should get some food or something on the way,

like a Chinese or something, or an Indian? I'm really hungry.

No, no.

What, no to an Indian? We could have a pizza, or...?

No, I've changed my mind, you're not staying with me any more.

Oh, Jenny...

No, no, no, I'm not taking this any more.

I'm finished with all this.

You're a lunatic.

I do not need to be with a lunatic.

I'd rather be by myself.

Yes, I'd rather spend the rest of my fucking life by myself

than put up with any more of this bullshit!

Jenny, I really like you! It's just really... It's really difficult.

No, it's not, Christian. It's really not.

It's pretty simple, actually.

Just fuck off.

You know when you meet someone and you have an instant connection?

You say you're looking for love. What are you going to do about it?

I always kind of like doing the wrong thing.

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