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You want to order?

Er, no, not yet. Sorry. I'm waiting for...

Screw this.

You leaving?

Er, yeah, I'm...

Excuse me.

Excuse you, love.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Look, I'm sorry, OK? I didn't mean to push you.

No, no, it's not that. Are you Erica?

Yeah?

I'm your date.

Oh.

Oh! OK.

Do you not recognise me from the photo? You did pick me.

Actually, my brother did.

Well, your brother's got great taste. I'm Callum.

Nice to meet you.

You're half an hour late, Callum.

No, I'm not. We said eight.

We said half seven.

No, love, trust me, we said eight. I'm incredibly punctual.

Well, I can um... I can look right now.

Go ahead.

Right.

Smartphones. Magic, eh? A few years ago we had no way of telling

that you're wrong and I'm right.

Yeah.

Fab. So, er, shall we?

I don't know about you but I am starving.

To be honest, Callum, I don't know if I'm really feeling it now.

Come on.

Don't let a little misunderstanding like that ruin my evening?

Oh, come on.

You'll be missin' yersel'.

Great place, this.

Oh, you come here often?

Aye. Four maybe five times a week. They know me.

The food is extraordinary.

But, um, you cannae trust them.

Who?

I'm no racist, right?

But to them we're just imperialist pig dogs.

They'll screw you over as soon as look at you.

Right, er... They?

Just wait till we get the bill, you'll see.

You see, I love the food, so I operate a zero tolerance policy.

What's that?

Oh, mate! Ready to order.

This is going to be quick and it's not going to be repeated, so listen up.

I'll have a bowl of won ton soup, the Singapore vermicelli noodles,

half a Peking duck with pancakes

har gow, char siu and the wasabi chicken dim sum.

OK. And for you?

She'll have soup, chicken stir-fry and grilled pork dumplings.

OK. And to drink?

Two Tsingtao. Now you know the drill so listen up.

We don't want the food getting cold so as and when, bring it. OK?

OK.

Actually I could do with a...

See what I'm saying? Zero tolerance.

Cannae mess about with these people. Tiananmen Square, man. Look it up.

So tell me about yourself. You're in PR, no?

Er, yeah.

PR, man.

Public Relations. Way I see it, the public don't need relating to.

The time for relating is over.

All this fucking X Factor bollocks.

The public need a smack up the bracket, wake the fuckers up.

Yeah. I just try to sell them perfume.

Ah! Perfume. I can get on board with that.

Cos the public fucking stink. They do, eh?

They stink of stale cheap lager and, um, pish.

So aye. What you're doing, that's like a public service.

Otherwise there'd be a lot of smelly fucking people

getting up my nose and fucking me the fuck off.

Right. I see what you mean.

Hot and sour soup. Won ton soup.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, pal. What's this?

That is won ton soup.

Aye, but I'm looking at it and I'm seeing one, two, three won tons.

You want another won ton?

If it's not too much bother pal, aye.

No. No bother.

See what I'm saying? Zero tolerance.

It's the only language these people understand.

I don't want my kids growing up speaking bloody Mandarin. That's the way things are going.

Yeah. Listen, Callum...

Your won ton, sir.

What are you waiting for?

Thanks, my man.

Your soup OK? Need more fish sauce?

Or perhaps some more tofu?

Er, I'm fine, thank you.

You sure? I can't get you anything else? More pork maybe.

No, really, I'm fine.

Did you not hear her, pal? She's fine.

OK. Listen, Callum, I think I'm going to go.

What?

I'll pay for my half of the food even though it's more than...

You're going?

Yeah.

But why?

Well, it's not really working out, is it?

What are you talking about? We've just been here five minutes.

I just got my soup. You've not even touched yours.

I just don't think we have anything in common.

I just... I don't understand this.

I mean, one minute we're flirting, the next you're...

When did I flirt?

All that stuff outside, with the "ah!"

It was straight out of a Meg Ryan film.

Well, look, Callum, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea

but I'm just not really interested.

OK. I get it.

You're going cos apparently five minutes

is long enough to compile a complete assessment of my personality

and you don't like what you're seeing.

No, Callum, it's not that.

I mean, I know I'm no Hugh Grant but...

I thought you'd see past that.

From your profile it looked...

What?

It looked like you'd be the sort of person that wouldn't care about that.

I am.

So what's the problem?

I'm gay.

Er... A lesbian.

I like girls. You know...

Gay.

Right, so...

what you're saying is that you're...

Er, yeah. Gay.

A gay?

A gay person? A homo?

Yes. A homosexual.

Correct me if I'm wrong

but I don't think at any point I have misrepresented myself to you.

I mean, forgive me if I have,

but I think you've known the whole time that I am... a man.

Yes. I knew you were a man.

So why are you here?

Do you really want to know?

I'm pretty fucking curious, yes.

My brother.

Your brother?

Making me do this. He just kept going on and on at me

and in the end I said all right just to shut him up.

And he picked you.

To turn you back on to guys?

That's...

That's not going to happen, Callum.

Oh.

OK.

So there you go.

It was... It's been interesting meeting you

and I hope you don't take this personally.

Can I ask you something?

What?

I think your bro's a complete prick.

He disnae have the right to say who you do or don't go on a date with.

It's none of his business.

He's not a prick.

He's just looking out for me.

It's what he does.

Well, let me tell you looking out for folk is overrated.

It's a mug's game.

Only you can decide who you are, what you do, who you fuck, whatever.

I've thought long and hard about this because people used to try and tell me what to do.

"Callum, stop doing that. Callum, don't go in there. Callum, she's too young for you."

Eventually I thought, "Ah, fuck off."

Cos nobody gets to tell you or anybody what to do.

It's the only law we've got.

No matter how they make you feel, no matter how good the advice seems,

never let anyone ever, ever, ever tell you what to do.

Ever.

Now here's what you do, right?

You look your bro straight in the eye and you say,

"Bro! I'm gay

"and I don't give a fuck what you think so back the fuck off."

Zero tolerance, love. The name of the game.

Food's here. Just stay and eat?

We don't even need to talk. You might as well.

You're paying for half of it.

OK.

OK. Good.

I grab him by the balls, right? I'm like that, "Shug. Square, go!" Then I heave him over the side!

He falls 20 foot on his arse... Bang! Full set of X-rays.

Pelvic bruising. Humiliation? Total!

Why do all your stories involve balls?

I don't know. But they do, eh?

Oh, God!

I need another drink.

Hey, um... Can you, er... Can I have another glass of...

whatever this pink shit is?

And more beer!

And he wants more beer.

When does he want it? Now!

You catch on quick, Erica.

Zero tolerance!

Yup, zero fucking tolerance! Cheers!

Cheers!

What's it like... being a lesbian?

Oh... you don't want to know about that.

No, no, I'm fascinated in all aspects of human sexuality.

Oh, yeah? Watch a lot of porn, do you?

Well, aye, but I've got an academic interest as well.

An "academic interest"? That sounds really creepy, Callum.

What?

Look, I don't want to talk about it.

Whenever I talk to men about being gay,

they get this look in their eyes

like they're imagining me doing the scissors with Cheryl Cole.

Yeah...

Oi!

Oi! Stop it!

Sorry. Sorry, right... Do you want to know what I think?

Yeah, sure. Right...

I think that sex is an unfixed,

amorphous phenomena that's impossible to define, or study.

One of the great mysteries of the universe.

I think we exist on a continuum, right?

And sexual identity and our place within it is an unknown quantity.

It's not unknown. Well, to you maybe, but...

Right, right.

Say that one is the straightest you can be,

and ten is the gayest you can be,

I think we all exist on that line.

It's not like a binary equation, on or off.

One thing or the other. As I say,

it's... it's a continuum.

OK. So where are you on this continuum, hmm?

From one to ten - one being straight as a line, ten as gay as Christmas.

Oh, God, you're going to say you're a one, aren't you?

Was there ever any doubt?

Here's your bill. We are closing now.

Aye.

So... what about you?

Ten. Pish!

How's that pish? You don't know me.

You're not a ten. You're not even a nine, or an eight.

I'd say... you're a solid six.

Six?! So, what, that's... one above bisexual?

Aye. Deny it, I dare you.

All right, I'm too drunk to argue, anyway.

Let's say I am a six, so what?

So you've been with men. You have, haven't you?

Maybe.

And liked it?

Erm... I didn't know what I wanted then.

I want another chance.

What?

I'm sorry, we really need the bill.

In a minute.

Give me another chance.

At what? At me?!

I reckon I'm the guy for you, Erica.

I reckon we could make something, something special.

I mean, just think about what our kids would look like.

Er, listen...

No, no, you listen.

I've been on a lot of dates with a lot of girls...

Really?!

Well, two, including this one, and the other so-called "girl"

turned out to be... That doesn't matter. What matters is that

you had a chance to go and you never took that.

That must mean something, that there's something between us.

Tell me I'm wrong!

You're wrong, Callum!

God, what is wrong with you people?!

"You people"?!

I mean men! You, my brother!

I mean, how many times do I have to tell you

that I'm not into bloody cock!

God, I don't know what else I have to do to prove it to you.

Jesus! What the fuck am I doing here?!

OK.

I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.

No, it's OK... It's OK.

So, it's, like, 40 quid each, with tip.

So at least tell me what I've done wrong.

Oh, let's not... No, come on.

Tell me what I've done wrong. I mean, we're not going to

see each other again, so you can at least give me that.

Huh? I mean, I'm new to this. It'll help me.

So, go on, tell me. What did I do wrong?

All right. You came on a bit strong. Girls don't like that.

OK, I can work on that. What else?

You ordered for me. That's a turn-off.

That's just good sense! I know this place better than you.

Right, OK. Apart from that?

I'm sorry, we really have to close now!

In... a minute! Carry on, Erica.

Oh, you come across as a bit arrogant.

What?

A bit arrogant. Just a bit.

Arrogant? Well, yeah.

I mean, you've got all these theories

and philosophies and principles,

and you don't even see that people might not agree with you...

all the time.

Arrogant.

Callum?

Callum?

Maybe we should go. They... They want to close.

Callum?

Let me tell you something, missy...

I may be an arrogant Scottish twat,

but at least I've got my self-respect!

This oh-so-meek bollocks may fool your brother, but it doesnae fool me!

You're just a scared wee girl, who doesn't know

who she is or what she's doing.

No, I... I'm not...

I might be arrogant,

but I'm also a beautiful, flawed, multi-faceted,

complex individual with a lot of love to give,

and you're... just a ghost. A big,

gay ghost, who thinks that I'm arrogant, and doesn't fancy me!

Oh, oh, Callum...

Oh, God!

This is who I am!

I'm a man who cries!

Oh, Callum, come on!

I'm sorry, we really need the bill...

We have to close, right now!

All right, all right. Look, I'll just... I'll just pay you, OK?

Do you take cards?

No. Oh, um...

Callum? Have you got some money, so we can pay the man?

Callum?

Sir! You must pay now! Sir!

Don't you ever, ever touch me, you commie fuck!

Callum, please!

Say sorry for touching me, you dick!

Callum, they're calling the police! Just let him go!

Say sorry! Fuck you!

Let me go! Let me go!

You're a fucking asshole!

Get off me! Get the fuck of me!

The police are coming! No...

No police. He's had a bad night. It's my fault.

Callum... Callum, I think if you apologise, they'll let you go.

Otherwise, the police will come and take you away.

I never apologise! Callum, please!

Never surrender! Zero tolerance!

I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding...

Callum, please... For fuck's sake, just say you're sorry!

NO...!

Tony, thank God. Are you OK?

I don't know what to do.

You're supposed to be looking after my sister.

Whatever he's saying, it's all lies.

Is it?

Not exactly.

Oh, aye, that's it!

All club together.

Tony...

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

I suppose I should say thank you.

No. Just piss off!

I'll see you, then.

Yeah... Bye, Callum. Sorry it turned out this way.

Aye.

That was a mistake. We should have spotted he was Scottish.

Maybe you find a Chinese guy next time. Keep Mum happy.

Tony...

That's it. I'm not doing this again. Just... stop it.

Can't you see the mess I'm in?

I'm trying to help you.

Excuse me...

What do you want?

She's gay, mate.

You should piss off now!

Just saying. Callum...

No, Erica, if you're going to be a lesbian,

you've got to grow a pair...

Just leave! This is none of your business!

Tell him you're gay.

I've already told him.

Tell him again.

Tony... Don't do this.

You're killing us.

You're killing your family.

Mate...

She's a fanny fumbler! And apparently,

there's nothin' we can do about it.

And believe me, I gave it a pretty good try. So there we go.

Deal done. I'll leave you with that.

And I'll bid you good night.

So good luck, huh, with everything.

Get your coat. I'll take you home.

No.

No! Can't you get it into your skull?

Back... the fuck... off!

Callum? Aye.

Would you like to go and get drunk with me?

We're already drunk!

You can't tell... Dad.

Zero tolerance!

Hey, you should give that lassie a ring.

The one that you like.

Kate?

Aye. Give her a ring.

Get her out.

I don't know, Callum.

Oh, come on! She'll fuckin' love me!

OK.

That's just cos you want to be out with two lesbians, isn't it?

Well... Aye, well...

Is she hot?

Yes. She's smokin'!

I'm not married.

I'm thinking you're a bit more of a short-term fantasy.

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