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Hello.

Hi.

Sorry, couldn't find it.

So, Celeste, we meet at last.

Thanks.

It is you.

Yep, it is me.

It is a bit hard to find, but it's worth it.

The food is stupidly good here.

And look at the view.

I mean, if this gets awkward, we can just look at that.

Always good to have a back-up plan, right?

Mm.

Oh, and drinks.

Since you were late, a little bit naughty, that,

but hard to find, so I'll get over it,

I went ahead and ordered a couple of whisky sours,

that way I thought if you stood me up, I could drink both

and drown my sorrows, but this is much better.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm usually very, very charming, so let's start again properly.

Stephen.

Mia.

Mia?

That's lovely.

What?

You don't remember.

Remember what?

The pig cheeks with the burnt apple jus.

Oh, wonderful.

I'm just going to let you know, I've decided to put you

taking the piss out of me on hold

while I enjoy some seriously naughty offal.

Mm.

Never put something in your mouth that's so good...

it actually makes you angry.

"Why can't everything taste like this?"

Mm.

So, here's the deal.

It's all small plates, so we need to order about five things.

Fuck it.

Six things. Are you cool with sharing?

Yeah. I'm cool with sharing.

Great. So shall I just go ahead?

Go on, then.

Hi. Hello.

Good timing. Erm...

We'll have the Burrata.

It's this beautiful Italian cheese with sort of cream inside.

I'm sure you know it.

Erm... And the twice-cooked baby chicken.

The sea bream, roasted aubergines, and...

Do you like fennel?

Great, so steak with the fennel.

That's six, right?

Yup. And to drink?

Alsace Riesling.

Perfect.

You don't mind white, do you?

No.

So, what don't I remember?

You once paid me 300 quid to fuck.

Mm.

Fair play, that's not bad.

I think you're confused.

Come on, let's not play this game.

You must be thinking of someone else.

No. I remember every man that paid me for sex.

Every single one.

Right.

I just didn't really sign up for this.

But I'm just going to pay for what we've ordered and... you can sit and have a nice meal.

You didn't want to say much

until you came, but I like a chat.

You're from Cheltenham?

You had a beautiful antique watch.

And one of those cocks that just...

Right.

Now that's out of the way, we can get to know each other.

So, you're a doctor. Must be nice.

Do your parents still live in Cheltenham?

Visit much?

Where do you live?

East Dulwich.

Ugh! South.

It's meant to be nice there, but I can't get my head around it.

Like, no Tubes.

How do you get home?

Oh, for fuck's say, don't go silent on me now.

I thought one of your interests was drunken rambling chats in pubs.

This is a restaurant.

And he's back.

Didn't mention pedantic in your profile.

No. I don't seem to remember you saying anything about being a hooker.

I'm sorry, that was awful. I'm sorry.

An escort, actually.

And I'm retired.

You, however, are still apparently a member of the dickheads.

You should put that on your profile.

Burrata.

Wine's on its way.

Mm.

Please.

After you.

Mm!

That is beautiful.

Mm.

You just get worked so bloody hard.

A lot of hours.

A lot of time under fluorescent lights.

You just... I don't know.

You need a break, distraction.

Something to help you forget about things.

Maybe...

maybe I'm a bit of a prick.

I'm sorry.

What for?

What do you mean?

Well, you might be a prick, I haven't decided that yet,

but why are you sorry? You paid.

You didn't do anything horrible.

Now, the Riesling. Care to taste?

Yes, please.

Thank you. Just leave the bottle.

No problem.

I really am... sorry.

What for?

I'm sorry...

if what we did...

made you feel...

bad.

Or cheap.

I wouldn't call 300 quid an hour cheap.

You know what I mean.

- I don't know what your circumstances... - No.

No, you don't.

It's all bollocks anyway.

What is?

You're not sorry cos you made me feel bad.

You're sorry cos I just reminded you of it.

Well... no.

I mean, yeah, partly.

You haven't thought of me since.

Not a lot, no.

You came to my apartment, you came, you went.

Actually, you came twice.

You know, actually, I think I am going to go.

No.

Why?

Because, Stephen, we're on a date.

I don't know what this is but it's not a date.

Yes, it is.

How?

Because...

even though you may feel all messed up or whatever about debasing me...

you still kind of wanna fuck me.

All I have to do is...

just sit up straight and go all wide-eyed,

let you tell me about the menu and giggle at your jokes

because they're funny.

Then touch my hair so you think it's a sign.

And when I've really made you feel like a man...

just take a nervous gob of wine.

And then look at you like this.

I mean, normally I would just do that.

You are my type.

I've had a funny week and I'm starting to think about things.

As I said, normally I would just do you.

And then go home and watch Frozen Planet on DVD.

But that's not going to happen, right?

Right.

Why are you even on the site?

Because I want to fall in love.

Yeah, I'm greedy. I know, I know. What can I say?

What, no wasabi peas?

They didn't have any, annoyingly. What they did have,

however, is Laphroaig 25.

Taste it.

It's got this unbelievably peaty, leathery nose...

And feel free to stop me

cos I'm talking total shite.

Yeah, shut up.

I don't even like whisky.

At least it hasn't been boring.

No. No, it hasn't.

So, do I get to ask you anything about you?

This is a date, after all.

You get one question. Make it good.

OK.

What do you do now that you...?

Now that I'm not a whore?

I mean...

You don't give a fuck.

I do.

Oh, come on. You don't care.

You would have asked me that two hours ago.

We've already established I'm a dick.

Yeah, a medium-sized wonky one.

I'll take medium.

So, what kind of doctor are you?

General surgeon.

There's a specialism in the abdominal...

Yeah, I know.

OK.

Do you like it?

It's all right.

I'm thinking of giving it up.

Fucking hell! Why?

Why not? I feel like it.

Apart from anything else, it would annoy the hell out of people.

Who?

It's a family business. Mum, dad, sister.

Everyone. My little brother's the fuck up.

He's a dentist.

So you never wanted to do it?

"Want" didn't come into it.

Being a doctor was all there was.

I don't know.

Just all feels a bit... You know.

A bit bleugh.

Exactly, yeah.

It all feels a bit mad.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

You're a bit of a spoiled little shit, aren't you, Stephen?

That's possibly a tiny bit harsh.

Why?

You get paid to bring people back to life with your bare hands,

so you're not 100% excited the whole time.

Boo-fucking-hoo.

Yeah. OK, all right.

Shit. I'm really sorry.

I have to go. It's work.

Has something happened?

They want me to come and see a patient.

Really sorry. Can I get you a cab?

No. This had better not be an excuse.

No, I really do have to go.

Prove it.

What?

Take me with you.

I want to see what your private little hell looks like.

OK.

This is a... This is a bad idea. It's a terrible idea, in fact.

My favourite sort.

Mr Kelly?

Hi, Dawn.

I thought you weren't on...

Oh, this is... Um, this is...

Oh Celeste Watson. Hiya.

Hi. She's the on-call SHO for gynae.

Erm, I said I'd show her the ropes...

This is Dawn, she's on A&E.

Oh, how's it going?

Guy got his eye stabbed out. Pool cue.

The usual.

Right. Blimey. Well, come on, Dr Watson, we'd better get on.

Um, see you, Dawn.

Yeah, see you.

So how many times have you banged that poor little thing?

What, Dawn? Never.

Bullshit.

Well, I might have had a snog with her at the Christmas party.

But I really can't remember.

Do you, erm, do you want to see something?

Put those on.

What? Now?

Yeah, why not?

Fucking hell.

Well, give us a tour then.

Right... Lights.

Temperature control, electricity,

diathermy, suction...

boring ventilator...

Don't touch the ventilator.

Why not?

About a hundred thousand reasons why.

So this is it...

This is what isn't doing it for you.

Well, it's just stuff. At the end of the day it's a job...

Tosser.

Tosser.

Mr Kelly.

Sister! This is Dr Watson. She's the on-call SHO for gynae.

Right, well, I wondered if you could

come and take a look at Mrs Black now.

Hello, Mrs Black, how are you?

Everybody's been making a fuss.

Well, let's see if we can do something about that, shall we?

Thank you... Doctor.

Let's see.

I-I think this is a post op infection.

But a cephalosporin IV ought to keep things under control. Agreed?

Uh-huh.

Right, I'll write it up. And...

Oh no, don't worry, Sister.

I'm sure you're very busy, I'll do that.

Oh, we are! Thanks.

Hello, Margaret. How are you?

You're very pretty to be a nurse.

She's a doctor, Mrs Black.

You'd make a handsome couple.

Do you think?

If you ladies have finished gossiping, I'll just give you these antibiotics and we can let you rest.

Why don't you let me do this?

No, it's fine. All under control.

Always want to tell you what to do, don't they?

Dr Watson, perhaps you should let me do that.

Perhaps we should administer the antibiotics through this?

No, through the hand is where we would...

This would go straight to the infection.

- Look, why not let me do that? - We usually put it in the patient's hand

because it makes the bag last longer.

Saves money. That's the NHS nowadays!

But this way's much more effective so...

Can I have it in there then?

No, Mrs Black, I'm afraid you can't...

Please? I'd be ever so grateful.

Mia, please...

Well, perhaps we should play it safe.

You know best.

I do.

Well done. That's fine.

I'm just, erm, I'm just going to make a phone call.

Would that be all right?

- Yeah. - Don't touch anything.

I'll be good as gold. I promise.

Now,

I've had a lovely time...

'Hi, Phillip. It's Stephen Kelly. Yes, I had a look at her...

'I've changed her antibiotics...'

Which one do you think then?

This one or the other one?

Red lorry, yellow lorry.

Red lorry, yellow lorry.

'OK, right...'

Um? Hello?

Stephen?

Stephen!

Shit!

Margaret, can you hear me?

Mrs Black!

Can you hear me?

Stephen?

Come on. Christ. Come on, Margaret!

What have we got? 72 post op.

Get the defib ready, please.

Started chest compressions.

Alex, get behind her. Yeah.

Defib ready. Hold on.

No, it's... All right.

Polly, ready with adrenaline please. 40mg.

Give it a minute please, folks...

Stand clear.

Stand clear.

'Press shock.'

Shocking.

'Perform CPR.'

I didn't... I didn't do that?

No. No. No. It was nothing...

Sometimes people's bodies just give up on them.

I don't think you should chuck it in, you know.

No?

It's the only time you're not a wanker.

I think you're right.

I've never met anyone like you.

No, no, you haven't.

Thank you for tonight.

Thank you, yourself.

Mia?

I don't know what to do now.

Think about it.

How long have you been watching me?

I'm just trying to work out why you're here.

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