Original subtitles

[snoring] [clock ringing]

[upbeat music]

[intriguing music]

[thunder rolling]

[Jon] Liz. I'm glad you're here.

I have something for you.

Something very important.

I know. You have come to unburden your soul.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I spend my days coping with quiet desperation.

You spend your days drawing bad cartoons

and making barely adequate lasagna.

We all live with quiet desperation, Jon.

Some of us are... just a little less quiet about it.

Are you listening to this?

Still, you have your dreams.

Dreams? Ha.

The author H. L. Mencken wrote:

"The more a man dreams, the less he believes."

[sighing]

Okay, hold it. Stop right there. Cut!

-I need to speak to the director! -I'm right here, Garfield.

Something wrong?

Could we turn off the thunderstorm?

Andy, kill the thunderstorm effect.

[sound diminishing]

It's not "The Garfield Show."

It sounds like a bad soap opera. Who wrote this episode?

How should I know? I never look at the scripts.

Here. Just rewind this cartoon back to the opening titles.

Andy, roll it back to the top, would you?

There. "Script by Samuel W. Underburger."

Who in the name of Samuel W. Underburger is Samuel W. Underburger?

He's the new writer they hired. I think he has an office upstairs.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Let me have that script.

New writer?

There was nothing wrong with the old writers.

I always enjoyed their joke.

What do we do now?

I don't know. Wanna go down to the cafeteria and get some lunch?

Yeah. Might as well.

[cheerful music]

Jon goes to prison for embezzlement?

Liz marries Eddie Gourmand?

I adopt Nermal as my son?

What does this guy think he's doing?

"Samuel W. Underburger, writer."

[intriguing music]

Brilliant.

Hey, Underburger. Hasn't anyone told you this is a comedy show?

I'm sorry, Garfield. I don't do comedy.

It's a waste of time.

Waste of time? You're joking, right?

I never joke.

-I also never laugh. -Never ?

Well, once. I was about, oh, perhaps 8 year of age and--

Hold it. Hold it.

I've gotta see this.

Could we have a flashback, please?

Everything is getting all fuzzy.

That's called a ripple dissolve.

Okay. Continue.

[Underburger] So as I was saying, I was eight.

One day, I was eating a banana

and I absent-mindedly tossed the peel away.

Whoa!

[raucous laughter]

You thought that was funny?

Hilarious.

Thinking about it now, I almost feel a chuckle coming on.

[chuckling]

I'm afraid that's it.

I'll laugh again in a decade or two.

[Garfield] We need funny, silly stuff for me and Odie to do.

"Odie"?

The dog. The one with the tongue.

Oh, I got rid of the dog.

You what ?

I wrote him out. I don't like dogs.

Wrote Odie out?

You can't do that!

I can do whatever I want. I'm the writer.

It's such a nice day, I think I'll go write in the park.

[sputtering]

If this guy's going to write my show,

I should teach him what funny is.

I'm going to make him laugh. Watch.

[cheerful music]

[circus music]

Anything ?

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

How about if instead of the feather, I use the entire chicken?

Tickle me one more time and I'll write you out of the show.

[dramatic music]

What am I going to do about that guy?

[TV] One of the most important things in life

is to be able to laugh.

Do you know what happens to people who don't have a sense of humor?

They get jobs on this program.

They worry too much.

Not being able to laugh makes disasters more disastrous.

It makes troubles more troublesome, you see.

Think of laughter as medicine.

Laughter as medicine? Yeah.

Squeak! Just the mouse I need.

What's up, Garfield?

We're going to get Irv and then perform a little surgery.

I know a guy who's in serious need of a humor transplant.

[soft music]

The doctor is ready for his next patient.

Doctor. It hurts when I do this.

Then don't do that.

[drum roll]

In my professional opinion, I say you're five pounds overweight.

If you don't mind, I'd like to get another opinion.

Okay, here's another opinion. You're ugly, too.

[drum roll]

[yawning]

Doctor, I have to ask you.

Is it possible for a mouse to be in love with an elephant?

No, that is scientifically impossible.

A mouse could not possibly be in love with an elephant.

In that case,

do you know where I can get rid of an engagement ring this big?

[trumpeting]

Are you quite through?

Sure looks that way.

Come on, guys.

[Irv] Hey! Wait for me!

Let's see...

I think I'd like tomorrow's show to be even more serious.

Wow. Not a chuckle. Not a smile.

That guy's ruining your show, Garfield.

I know, I know.

There must be some way to make him laugh.

[TV] The essence of humor is in surprise.

That's surprising.

People laugh when things happen they couldn't have expected.

Observe this brief scientific demonstration.

Hello, Milton. As you can see, I am holding a large whipped cream pie.

I can see that very well, Clyde.

Good. I am now going to shove this pie in your face

thereby covering your entire face with whipped cream.

Oh. Well, if you must.

[mild giggling]

As you can see...

not very funny.

Now, notice how much funnier it is

when we introduce the element of surprise.

Hello, Milton.

Hi, Clyde.

Say, how about loaning me some money until payday?

When's payday?

How should I know? You're the one with the job.

[raucous laughter]

You see? The element of surprise

is what makes it funny.

That's all you need to know. Thank you.

Ok, that's how we're going to make Underburger laugh.

And we're going to need some help.

You want me to wear this?

But this is a chicken costume!

[lively music]

You really want me to do that?

You want me to dig a hole here? But I'm eating my lunch.

Bring it along. This is important. Now, can you do it?

I'm a mole. I can dig a hole anywhere.

Excuse me, sir. Do you like chocolate cream pie?

Yes, I do like chocolate cream pie.

Good.

[laughing]

That is not funny.

That is not funny.

[cackling]

Here's your mail, Mr. Underburger.

It's a chicken suit. The cat said I had to wear it.

I don't know why I do these things.

That is not funny.

Excuse me again. Do you by any chance like coconut cream pie?

Why, yes, I very much like coconut cream pie.

Excellent.

That is not funny.

Nor is that.

Hey, Squeak. What time is it?

I don't know. Let's ask Garfield.

[bell ringing]

Must be five o'clock.

That is not funny.

Plus, it's a quarter to six.

Excuse me a third time, sir.

Do you like strawberry cream pie?

No. I do not like strawberry cream pie.

I detest strawberry cream pie.

Good. Because this one is lemon meringue.

At the risk of repeating myself, that is not funny.

[crashing]

-Did he even crack a smile? -No.

[screaming]

I've had it with all this nonsense, this foolishness.

You will all pay for this. I'm writing you all out of this show.

This "comedy" thing is childish and a complete waste of time.

I may not become one of the great literary figures writing this...

this cartoon show.

But I will tell you what I do have.

I have my dignity.

[screaming]

[chuckling]

[laughing]

[raucous laughter]

Garfield, if I could only make everyone laugh like this...

I'll tell you what. Make my show funny, that's a start.

[laughing]

But I don't know how to do that.

I'll help you.

You need pies in the face, people in chicken costumes...

Wait, wait. Let me get this down.

Oh, and dogs. Dogs are funny.

Especially ones with long, wet tongues.

Odie! I'll put Odie back in.

Oh, that's O, D, I, E, not O, Y.

[Underburger] Yes. Always.

[thunder rolling]

[Jon] Liz. I'm glad you're here.

I have something for you. Something very important.

And I have something for you, Jon...

Cut!

-[laughing] -[barking]

Now, this is what my show is like.

I'm proud to put the name Underburger on it.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

What?

It's the network.

Not the network?

You what? No, but you're wrong.

No, no. This is so much more entertaining.

They want all the jokes out and all the serious back in.

No way. Let me talk to them.

Is this the network?

This is Garfield and I won't allow it.

I won't let you ruin my show by...

[laughing]

That's hilarious.

Not when it happens to me.

[upbeat music]

Subtitling: ECLAIR