Original subtitles

[snoring] [clock ringing]

[upbeat music]

[cheerful music]

[Garfield yawning]

What a great morning.

It's not Monday and I got my usual 19 hours of sleep.

And Jon has breakfast ready.

The only thing that could possibly ruin this day is if Nermal shows up.

As I was saying, the only thing that could possibly ruin this day

is if Nermal shows up.

[intriguing music]

Where's Nermal?

[stage manager] He's not here.

-What? -He's not here.

What do you mean?

Didn't he get a copy of this episode's script?

Right here on page one.

I say: "The only thing that could ruin this day

is if Nermal shows up."

Then he walks in and says:

"Yes, Garfield, it's me, the cutest kitty cat in the whole world."

Blah, blah, blah!

So, where is he?

Remember the last episode? You mailed him to Abu Dhabi.

Oh, right.

[chuckling]

That was good. So, I guess we can't do this script, right?

Guess not. Ok, everyone. Let's strike the set.

[ringing]

[soft music]

[whimpering]

We're not doing the script.

[whining]

No. I'm trying to figure out how we can entertain

all these people who are watching us.

[whimpering]

Ta-dah!

No, we're not doing that either.

[whining]

We're going to answer some of my mountains of fan mail.

Could I have one mountain of my fan mail, please?

Coming up!

Postman, could we have a mountain of fan mail for Mr. Garfield, please?

[panting]

Here's your mountain.

Herman, If you're going to be on camera here, we need to touch up your makeup.

Don't touch me.

You always do terrible things to me,

secret trap doors, flinging me over the house,

putting live cows in my mail truck.

Oh, but that's just on the show.

In real life, you don't like to torment mailmen, do you?

All right, then. Go ahead.

Perfect.

Thanks. I should learn to trust you more.

Ok, Odie! Grab a letter at random.

[yipping]

[whining]

Ta-dah!

Thanks, Odie.

"Dear Garfield, when will you stop giving that poor mailman

a hard time, you mangy cat?"

Signed: The National Mailman's Union.

Oops. Wrong address. That wasn't for me.

Let's move on to the next one.

"Dear Garfield, would you share your lasagna with me?"

No. Next.

Ah, here we go.

"Dear Garfield, I have this assignment for school.

What is the difference between cats and dogs?

I wondered if you could help me."

Signed: Damian.

"P.S.: I love your work."

Thank you, Damian. I love my work, too.

All right, kids. No talking or texting in the classroom, got it? Good.

Here we go.

Here we see the dumbest creature in the entire animal kingdom:

a dog.

[barking]

I said no talking in the classroom. That includes barks of disapproval.

And here is the finest living thing that ever existed, a true marvel,

a cat.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're too kind.

[applause continues]

Thanks, Rosie. That's enough.

Here's the next part of our lesson.

Hi guys! I'm home.

This person feeds the cat and the dog

and has somehow deluded himself into believing he is their master.

Observe how each of the pets reacts when he comes home.

The dog becomes hysterical and noisy and slobbers all over his feeder.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Let's look at the same scene with a cat.

Notice how unlike the dog, the cat remains cool, calm and collected.

Big fat hairy deal.

Notice the cool, calm and collected cat is cool, calm and collected.

He doesn't make a ridiculous fool out of himself like certain dogs do.

[growling]

What do you mean there's more?

I showed the important part.

No, I am not going to show the rest of the scene.

Hey! No!

How's my furry friend today?

[purring] Oh, meow, meow!

He wuvs having his widdle tummy rubbed.

Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

[sounds of ecstasy]

Who's a good widdle kitty? Who's a good widdle kitty?

Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!

All right, enough of this! Stop! Cut!

[snickering]

Oh, so you think you made me look bad, do you?

[whimpering]

Well, you did. Now it's my turn to make you look bad.

You all know that stupid game called "fetch the stick"?

Well, here's what happens when you ask a dog to fetch the stick.

Want to fetch, Odie?

[yipping]

Ok, Odie. Go fetch the stick.

[happily barking]

[happily barking]

Good boy. You want me to throw it again?

[Garfield] Dogs not only fetch,

they insist on fetching the stick.

[whimpering]

[yipping]

Again.

[romantic music]

And again.

See? Utterly pointless.

What will a cat do when the guy who feeds him...

Not enough I might add. ...throws a stick?

[cheerful music]

Want to fetch, Garfield?

No.

Ok, Garfield. Go fetch the stick.

[sighing]

Come on, Garfield! Fetch!

[Garfield] No matter how many times he is asked,

the cat will not waste his time fetching the stick.

Just fetch the stick. Go fetch the stick.

Please fetch the stick. It's just one little stick.

You just go, you get the stick, you bring it back.

How much time could that take?

The cat won't fetch the stick

because he knows there's no point in fetching a stick

unless it's got, like, a lollipop attached to it.

Please fetch the stick. Please, please fetch the stick.

I just want you to fetch the stick. Here.

Like this. See?

It's not so hard. Anyone can do it.

Hey, if you wanted the stick, you shouldn't have thrown it away.

And continuing on the same topic,

here's a letter from Sam Funnyname from Made-Up Place, Nebraska.

He asks: "What do cats and dogs do all day?"

Well, Mr. Funnyname...

[Garfield] Cats sleep.

[snoring]

Dogs chase their tails.

[barking]

Cats eat.

Dogs chase their tails.

[barking]

Cats sleep.

[snoring]

Dogs chase their tails.

[barking]

Do they catch them?

Oh, that's the best part. Watch.

[barking]

[suspenseful music]

[siren wailing]

[yowling in pain]

[Garfield] Meanwhile, cats eat.

Well, Odie, I think I've made my point. Odie? Odie?

[whining]

"Dear Odie..."

[yipping]

"My mother says cats are much cleaner than dogs, but I think dogs are cleaner.

Which of us is right?"

[whining]

I'll handle this. Your mother is right. Mothers are always right.

[Garfield] The dog is a notoriously filthy creature.

Watching a dog rolling in mud is a revolting sight.

[screaming]

Odie! Bad dog! Bad filthy dog!

Look what you did.

Why can't you be as clean as Garfield?

He's always clean and spotless.

See? What do you have to say to that, grimy one?

[growling]

Play more of the scene? No.

There's nothing more to see. It's--

Yes, I am always so clean and spotless.

[doorbell ringing]

The door! Could it be? It is!

[action music]

Delivery from Vito's Pizzeria.

Yes!

[wild slobbering eating sounds]

Remember I said I wished you could be as clean as Garfield?

[whining]

Forget I said that.

Ok. So maybe I'm not the most delicate eater in the world.

There's the understatement of the year.

Nermal! Where have you been?

Where did you send me?

Abu Dhabi.

Then that's where. Where's the set?

What about the script?

We had to cancel that script because you weren't here.

I've been answering my fan mail instead.

Fan mail? You get fan mail?

Of course I get fan mail. I get lots of fan mail. See?

That's awesome, Garfield.

Hey, I want to answer some of my fan mail, too.

Could I have my fan mail, please?

[stage manager] Postman! Bring Nermal's fan mail to the stage.

Betcha Nermal doesn't get fan mail like us.

[snickering]

[motor revving]

[intriguing music]

Everybody loves me!

With two exceptions.

Don't you touch me, Garfield!

You're going back to Abu Dhabi, Nermal!

Let's see how much fan mail you get there, Nermal.

[screaming]

[lively music]

Well, I guess that's the end of this episode.

If you enjoyed it, do me a favor,

don't write a fan letter, send an email instead.

I don't have to carry those.

I really liked it.

Finally, we had an episode of this show where I didn't wind up looking foolish.

[upbeat music]

Subtitling: ECLAIR