Original subtitles

[♪]

[DISTANT EXPLOSION]

The general.

[TRUMPETING]

Gentlemen, our position is very precarious.

Unless our Secret Service can get the information

as to the enemy's plans, we will be forced to retreat.

Colonel, what operators have we here?

Operators 12, 14 and 15.

Good. We are fortunate.

Gentlemen, they are the very brains

of the entire Secret Service.

Summons them.

[TRUMPETING]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

[YELLS]

[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS]

GENERAL: Attention.

Oh.

Ooh.

That's a coincidence.

Operator 12.

Oh.

Operator 14.

[ASCENDING TONES, HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH]

Ugh. Operator 15.

[SNAPPING]

[DISTANT EXPLOSION]

What happened to Operator 13?

He swam across the river and died of Potomac poisoning.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Ah!

[GRUNTS]

Men, our army is in danger of annihilation.

Unless we know the plans of the enemy,

our cause is lost.

Sir, here are the uniforms

we took from the enemy prisoners.

Good.

We have captured three of the enemy's officers,

and you are going to take their places.

Well, you will don their uniforms.

We'll give you their credentials,

and your names will be, uh:

Lieutenant Duck,

Captain Dodge

and Major Hyde.

Now, I want you three men to bring me back

the necessary information, providing you get back.

[ALL BICKERING]

LARRY: We'll divide it.

We'll divide it up equally.

Well, do you remember your names?

[COUGHS] MOE AND LARRY: No.

Duck, Dodge, Hyde.

[GRUNTS]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

Attention. Attention!

Whoa.

Avast, there. Shiver my timbers.

Ship ahoy.

Heave to on the port side.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] I wonder if this is the right place, lieutenant.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] I reckon this is the place, captain.

What do you-all say, major?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, as there's no other place around the place,

I reckon this must be the place.

I reckon. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Oh!

How deep is this here river, major?

[NORMAL VOICE] It ain't deep.

Look.

See?

It ain't-- Agh!

[WHOOPING]

Man overboard. Man the lifeboats.

We'll have the preservers in a minute.

We'll have you out in a moment, sir.

Easy, major. Whoa.

You're frightening Clementine.

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

What's the matter? What happened?

I was lost, all by myself.

Let me see your hand.

Ow!

I'm-- I'm getting tired of this army.

I'm getting tired of both armies.

Oh!

Oh, thanks, boys.

If you hadn't of held that branch,

it woulda killed me.

Oh, another sentry.

Remember the password.

Go ahead.

Oh.

What happened?

Nothin'.

Oh.

Follow me.

Halt.

Advance and give the countersign.

ALL: Cumberland.

That's only for the first line.

So it is.

Charlie gives it for the second line.

Charlie?

Sure, everybody knows Good Time Charlie.

He walks like this:

Hey, wait!

Look, another sentry.

Do your stuff, lieutenant.

Spread out.

That way.

Why you...

Halt.

Advance and give the countersign.

Cumberland. And Charlie walks like this:

Halt.

What seems to be the trouble here?

Well, he doesn't know the countersign.

He's not supposed to, I reckon.

Do you know who this is?

No. Who is he?

I, uh-- Tell him, captain.

Why, yes, um...

he's a gentleman of the South.

Of the South. Hallelujah, hallelujah.

Yes, sir. Hallelujah.

Never mind, I'll take care of him.

Hey, you-all looking for me?

Why, no. Who are you, stranger?

I'm Charlie.

You know, the fellow walks like this:

No, you're the wrong Charlie.

The Charlie we're looking for walks like this-a:

[ALL LAUGHING]

I've got a better one for the colonel.

What is it, major?

There were three men in three beds,

only had two blankets.

How'd they keep warm?

I don't know. How did they, major?

They turned on the heat.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

See that? Yeah.

Oh!

See that?

Ooh.

By, uh, the way, colonel,

I think we ought to have about 75,000 men down here.

Oh, don't make me laugh.

We've only got 19,000. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah.

[COLONEL LAUGHS]

LARRY: But I reckon we ought to have about 350

heavy pieces of artillery, don't you think?

Oh, that's where we fooled 'em.

We've only got 18 pieces.

Eighteen pieces, a mere handful.

COLONEL [LAUGHING]: Yes.

Let's forget business, gentlemen,

and, uh, freshen up our juleps.

Sure, the colonel is right.

Let's have a nip and tuck.

What's that, major?

Well, one nip and they tuck you away for the night.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh! Ugh.

Colonel, uh, have we--?

Yes, we have plenty for everybody.

Here you are. Heh.

Took enough of that stuff.

[POURING DRINKS]

And that'll be the last time--

Whoo-uh-hoo!

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

I was burning up.

Do you know what that paper was?

Hot.

Hello, Daddy.

Oh, hello, dear.

I'm baking a cake all by myself.

Oh, that's fine, dear.

By the way, gentlemen,

let me introduce my daughter, Judith.

Would you-all care to partake

in my cake when it's done?

We-all would sure love it.

Lead us to it.

[CURLEY YELLS]

MOE: I baked a cake once, but it fell and killed a cat.

Major, how about another nip and tuck.

[LAUGHS]

Hello, Charlie.

Message, sir.

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

This is serious. COLONEL: What is it?

I can't see so good without my glasses.

Well, what does it say?

"Official communication

to Colonel Buttz, Q.X. Division."

Ha--

[WHOOPING]

Well, what did it say?!

It's about the Union Army.

W-w-what was it?

All Union soldiers are now wearing Union underwear.

Think of it.

[WHOOPING]

Oh, baking, eh?

Can I help you?

I used to work in a bakery as a pilot.

A pilot?

Yeah, I used to take the bread from one corner

and pile it in the other.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. [LAUGHS]

Well, um, can you spread this cake

with some of the strawberry preserves?

Oh, certainly. Okay.

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Oh.

Oh, there's a hole in it.

Oh, another one.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's the other one.

Be careful, it's hot.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

CURLEY: You know, I quit my job at that bakery.

JUDITH: Why?

CURLEY: Oh, I got sick of the dough

and thought I'd go on the loaf.

[SLAP] CURLEY: Oh!

You should be proud of your achievement.

Missy, this cake is as light as a feather.

I'm sure you'll like it.

Yes, ma'am.

What did you-all say the name of this cake was?

Southern comfort.

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, tastes like Southern comforter.

JUDITH: You certainly like that cake.

Do you mind if I dunk?

Dunk? Uh--

JUDITH: Do you like the cake?

Here, you'd better have my piece too.

[MUTTERING]

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Do you like that cake?

If I hadn't helped bake it,

I'd never knew it was a cake.

Oh.

Hm.

Yeah.

Oh...

How's yours taste?

Like a mattress.

Want mine?

I'm stuffed now.

Gentlemen.

I just received word that the left flank must move over

to the right and the right flank must move over to the left.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I need your advice.

What can you suggest?

I--

[COUGHING]

He's molting.

[COUGHING]

He's been eating raw chicken.

[STOOGES COUGHING]

What is--?

What is this, anyway?

Where did you get these feathers?

Can't you do something about this?

[STOOGES COUGHING]

Where did you get this stuff, anyway?

[STOOGES COUGHING]

Colonel, we have information

that there are spies in your ranks.

I'm here to investigate.

You don't think--

Introduce me to your guests.

Oh, by all means.

Right this way.

COLONEL: Gentlemen, meet Major Filbert.

Oh.

Ooh.

[WHIMPERS]

A victim of circumstance.

Major Filbert's here because there have been rumors

that there are Northern spies in our Southern ranks.

The major suspects everybody.

He's know as "Bloodhound Filbert,"

and he can smell a spy a mile away.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm glad he can't smell 'em any closer.

Ooh. Oh. Shh.

Pardon me, I didn't quite get the name.

This here is Captain Dodge of the Horse Marines.

Well, I've quite a pleasant surprise for you, captain.

What is it, major?

Why, they told me that your father came in this afternoon.

My father? FILBERT: Yes.

Boys, Dad's here.

Yeah.

Is he still as tall as ever?

No, he's rather short.

Well, he can't borrow any money from me, sir.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, excuse me, gentlemen,

I gotta take care of a weak back.

Pardon me, how long have you had a weak back?

Oh, about a week back.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

See that? Oh...

Oh!

Ah! Ow!

Here's to the success of our cause.

And here's to the success of our cause.

LARRY [RASPY VOICE]: Where's Captain Dodge?

Sounds like trouble.

Sounds like Lieutenant Duck to me.

Ah! Shh.

How is my son?

Oh, fine, Uncle Tom, fine.

Uncle Tom?

That's short for Pappy.

By the way, captain,

I forgot to tell you,

your wife also came in this afternoon.

[SQUEALING]

Where are you going?

I left my horse parked in a safety zone.

Yee!

Tell me, captain, is your wife a blond or a brunette?

[COUGHS]

Well, sir, I really can't say.

You know, when she first married me,

everybody accused her of being very light-headed.

[LAUGHING]

Hm.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Whoo-hoo.

Dodgey, kiss me.

[SHOUTS]

Darling, darling.

Gentlemen, this is Mrs. Dodge, my wife.

Oh, colonel.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[CHUCKLES]

Mrs. Dodge. Heh.

COLONEL: Let's have a drink to the beautiful Mrs. Dodge.

Now, I'll have this fixed in just a minute.

[LOUD RIPPING]

Ahem. Oh, gentlemen.

You're very kind, sir.

Thank you. And major.

I was wondering, Mrs. Dodge,

what did you do with your little baby?

Baby?

Baby?

Oh, my baby.

What have you done with my baby?

Oh, I want my baby.

What have they done with my child?

But, Mrs. Dodge, I, uh-- I-- We--

There, there. Don't worry, Dixie Lou.

I'll get him.

Him?

Her.

FILBERT: Her? It.

I'm a victim of circumstance.

I'm going to faint.

Oh, she has fainted.

Get her a glass of water.

No, whiskey.

[STAMMERS]

Do you think they'll ever find him?

Here, honey.

Where did you find it?

He was walking down by the railroad.

Alone?

No, I was with her.

Well, let's see the little darling.

He looks just like the captain.

Yeah?

Looks like you, does he?

We had him down at the beach all summer.

He got quite sunburned.

Sunburned?

Yeah, here.

Why, you-- What'll I do with him?

Hold him for 30 days.

If nobody claims him, he's yours.

[WHOOPING] Wait a minute!

Come back and get this baby!

FILBERT: Here, here, I-- Jerry, you take him.

COLONEL: No way. What would I do with him?

I'll get them!

[WHOOPING]

[CONTINUES WHOOPING]

Spies escaping.

Get 'em, boys! Come on.

Hey, wait a minute.

In this tree trunk.

Hurry up. [WHOOPING]

[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS]

Man the guns.

The enemy is approaching.

[EXPLOSION]

FILBERT: Ready, men? MAN: Yes, sir.

Fire!

I wonder what's become of operators 12, 14 and 15.

[INCREASINGLY LOUD WHISTLING]

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪]