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[ Man Narrating ] People said there was a curse on the dukes of Bournemouth.

The seventh duke lost all his hair in a bet.

In 1640, the fifth duke,

while on a drinking spree,

went to church on a cow and set fire to the choir.

He fled to France, where he lived and subsequently died...

under the illusion that he was a footstool.

The ninth duke married his horse...

and scandalized society by riding his wife at Ascot,

where she came third in the second race.

In the 1920s, the 12th duke was present...

at the opening of the tomb of King Tutankhamen.

In the excitement which followed,

he was accidentally bitten on the buttock by a deranged donkey and died three days later.

Forty years later, the 14th duke...

became a victim of the '60s.

He didn't die but married an American--

A model, Lucinda--

Who in those days called herself "Available Space."

[ Baby Crying ] [ Champagne Cork Pops ]

They had a baby, who would one day become the 15th duke cf Bournemouth.

They christened him simply...

Thomas Henry Butterfly Rainbow Peace.

[ Woman ] Why don't we go to the-- [ Indistinct ]

[ All Chattering ]

He was accidentally abandoned in a restaurant--

left behind, like a tip.

[ Man ] ♪ I was so happy all of the time ♪

♪ With my baby I was oh-so-fine ♪

Oh, my God! We've forgotten the baby!

Oh, shit.

[ Narrator] By the time they remembered him,

he had disappeared in his Moses basket...

with only a monogram blanket and a silver rattle.

Uh, darling, do you remember the baby's name?

The curse of the Bournemouths had struck again.

[ Man ] ♪ Someone came and stole my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my whole life away ♪

♪ I was so happy all of the time ♪

♪ With my baby, I was oh-so-fine ♪

♪ But you came right along and knocked me for a song ♪

♪ You took everything that should be mine, mine, mine, mine ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my happiness away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Now somehow that someone's gonna have to pay ♪

♪ I lost my baby when he stepped in ♪

♪ He took my life and everything ♪

♪ He stole my baby Now I'm so blue ♪

♪ Tell me what to do-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my happiness today ♪

♪ He came along He did me wrong ♪

♪ Now my whole life's gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my whole life away ♪

♪ He's gonna have to pay someway ♪

♪ He's gonna have to pay someday ♪

♪ Yes, he's gonna have to pay ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪

[ News Anchor On TV] More reports of the puma...

that has been terrorizing residents living on the Bournemouth estate.

Police are warning-- Gita, turn that off.

You'll be late for school. Now go to the bathroom and wash.

I can't, Mum. Ranji's in there. Still?

What does he do in there?

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

Ranji, come out of there at once.

[ Man, Foreign Language ]

Ranji, you'll be late for your work.

Ranji Patel, come out here at once.

All right, Mum. I'm sorry.

Bye, everybody.

[ All ] Bye, Ranji. See you later.

Ah. [ Foreign Language ]

[ Narrating ] I too suffered from the curse of the Bournemouths.

I work for them.

My name's Tommy Patel, and I grew up here, in Southall.

Every day, I commuted from our little corner shop...

to my city job, where I worked as a commodities broker...

on the trading floor of Bournemouth & Bournemouth.

Yeah. Nigel, no. Don't go higher than quarter of a million.

Honestly, I promise you. It'll never go higher than that.

Believe me. Trust me. Okay, bye.

Angela, where the hell is that coffee? It's coming!

Well, it should be here now. Yes, master.

Come on, girl. Pull your finger out.

What have you been sitting on all weekend?

May I remind you of sexual harassment in the workplace?

Very sweet of you, but darling, I'm far too busy right now.

I saw that.

Don't have to worry about me, dear. I'm bisexual.

Whenever I want sex, I have to buy it.

[ Man ] Patel.

- I've got a job for you. - I'm sorry, Mr. Andrews.

I can't possibly. I'm right in the middle of a deal.

Yes, obviously. Just drop it.

I want you to meet this very important American...

and show him round for a few days.

- I'm far too busy, sir. - That is an order from the chairman.

This is a V.I.P. from New York. I want you to hold his hand and show him London.

- Why me? - Because I don't like you.

Bugger it up and you'll be out of a job.

Great.

Excuse me. Could you help me, please? I want Conduit Street.

Hah. I'm trying to find Conduit Street.

Conduit Street. Yeah.

Uh, see the light? Yeah.

Now--

Morning. Morning, gents.

Morning.

Conduit Street?

Get a taxi.

[ Humming ] Comin' around.

Morning. Morning.

Whoa.

[ Grunts ] I'm sorry. Oh! You all right?

I don't know who you are, but this is not a skating rink. Okay?

I'm Henry Martin. I was just following the line in the marble. It's so smooth.

Follow the line in the marble right outside.

There's a little kiddies' park over there where you can play--

I'm from the New York office, and I'm supposed to meet somebody here--

Oh, hi! I'm meeting you. I'm, uh-- I'm Tommy Patel.

Oh, hi, Tommy. I love the skates.

Thanks. This marble is so smooth.

I've been on cobblestones and bridges all morning.

I don't know if these things are gonna catch on here,

because you really should be sober to do it,

but these are gonna revolutionize commuting.

I beat the Tube. I beat the traffic.

There's no parking fees. You wanna try them?

Hey! You.

It's all right, Jobson. He's with me. I thought he might be.

Hello, Jobson.

Oh, my God. It's you, sir.

Didn't expect to see me, huh? No, I did not.

Well, I'll be around for a while, so-- So-- Oh, ho.

How nice. Well, I'll leave you with Mr. Patel.

Good luck.

Okay. Let's get to work.

Go upstairs to petty cash. Get £200.

You hungry? Yes.

Get about £300, okay? What's the name of the pub across the street?

It's The Dick? The Dickhead. The Dick?

The Richard I I I. Richard I I I!

Go upstairs, get the money...

and I'll meet you across the street in the pub.

At the pub?

[ Men Singing ] ♪ It's a long way to go ♪

♪ It's a long way to Tipperary ♪

♪ To the sweetest girl I know ♪

♪ Good-bye, Piccadilly ♪

♪ Farewell, Leicester Square ♪♪

Tommy! It's my mate Tommy. Say hi.

[ All Shouting ]

- Hello. Hi. - You got the money?

- Yes, I've got 300 cash. - Give it to Mona, would ya?

What? Thanks, babe.

"Lies there"? [ Arguing ]

- What else you got for me? - Uh, I got some theater tickets.

Wait, let me guess.

Cats, um, Les Mis and, uh--

What's the one with the helicopter?

Mrs. Saigon. Mrs. Saigon.

- Yeah. - Great.

Who needs a pair? Who needs a pair? Couple of stalls.

Unobstructed views of the chopper.

Ah, you, sir. Yes, sir. Fine. Enjoy yourself.

It's kind of a Sound of Music meets Platoon.

Look at that. 50 quids, huh? Come on. Let's see a show!

♪♪ [ Hip-hop, Muffled ]

[ Henry ] Now she was a great Hamlet. [ Tommy ] Sure.

I just don't remember the banana scene in Hamlet.

Sort of a tropical interpretation.

I'll tell you, if Shakespeare were alive today, he would die.

[ Slurring ] ♪ Oh, my darling Oh, my darling ♪

♪ Oh, my darling Clementine ♪

♪ Thou art lost and-- ♪♪

Look at that. Look at that view.

[ Laughing ] I feel great.

[ Man ] 171.50. Two million pounds.

[ Man #2 ] I'm gonna buy two million pounds at 171.50.

You all right? No.

What happened to you then last night?

He did.

Morning, fellas. Morning.

Hey, Gordon. Maxine.

Uh-oh.

[ Crashing ]

Patel.

There is some money missing from petty cash.

Ah. Uh, yes, sir. I can explain that, sir.

Did you take £500? Mmm, no, sir.

- No? - No, sir.

- [ Mouths Words ] - N-N-N-- Yes, sir.

Yes, I took-- I took £300, sir.

Three?

[ Tommy ] Three.

Plus two equals--

Uh, equals fi-- five.

I took £500, sir.

Um, what did you want it for?

Uh, it-- it was for the barmaid.

It was, uh-- No. It was for the, um--

The ba-- the ba-- ba--

It was for the, uh-- for the bar mitzvah.

- The what? - Uh-- [ Stammering ]

It was wa-- [ Stammers ]

[ Mumbling ]

[ Slowly ] I... borrowed... it.

- I borrowed it, sir. - Oh, I see.

And you will see the chairman first thing on Monday morning,

and I shall recommend that you're fired.

Wait. I can explain everything, sir.

[ Tommy Narrating ] Bloody Henry.

After all those years of crawling at the office, he'd got me fired.

[ Thunderclap ] It was back to the corner shop.

But the Hindu gods were smiling on me,

for that weekend, fate kindly intervened.

My boss, the chairman and 14th duke of Bournemouth--

...or else you're finished! [ Screams ]

Fell off the back of his yacht.

The curse of the Bournemouths had struck again.

Good luck.

When I reported for dismissal on Monday,

there was a new chairman.

[ Cackles ]

Hello, Tommy. Guess who's a duke.

Holy shit! You are--

The 15th duke of Bournemouth. Moi.

My God!

You lucky bastard!

Congratulations. Thanks, man.

Sorry about your father. Oh.

Well, he was a mean son of a bitch.

I never really got to know him.

He was uptight and emotionally dead, like all Brits.

Oh, no offense.

But you're American. Mum's American.

Sent me to school in the States.

Didn't want me growing up a masturbating wreck from an English public school.

Whyever not, if you're gonna be a duke?

Tommy, just because I've been made a duke...

doesn't mean anything's gonna change between us.

Get my drink, would ya?

Hmm. Hmm?

Here you are, sir.

What the bloody hell are you doing in here?

- Ah, here we go. - You're both fired.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, dear. Uh, shall I tell him?

No, I should tell him really, I guess.

Oh, please, can I tell him?

Mr. Andrews, this is the new duke of Bournemouth.

- But you're a Yank. - And you're history.

- I'm what? - You're fired.

[ Snaps Fingers ] [ Henry ] Good-bye.

[ Tommy ] Bye. Don't slam the door.

[ Henry Cackles ] Come on. Let's have a drink. Let's celebrate.

Congratulations, sir.

You can kiss ass later, Brittle.

Thank you, sir.

[ Henry ] Tommy, this is my ancestral home.

[ Tommy ] What, Harrods? [ Henry ] Oh, no. This telephone booth.

Cheers. Still don't understand.

Mmm. Read this.

"The Bournemouth baby disappeared in his Moses basket...

with only a monogram blanket and a silver rattle."

I am the Bournemouth baby.

Oh.

"A few days later, the baby was found...

in a telephone booth outside Harrods."

This is my first home. Now it's my fourth.

Well, no, fifth if you include the south of France.

There's the apartment in New York too, but it's not much bigger than this.

"The baby was found in his Moses basket."

Mummy still has that Moses basket.

Pity though. Somebody stole the rattle. Solid silver, 1748.

All right, you two. What's goin' on?

Ah, Officer. We've decided to have dinner in another booth,

but the service here was fantastic.

He's the Bournemouth baby.

Henry, you're not supposed to tip policemen.

Well, I can't give him a drink. He's on duty.

[ Driver ] Sleep tight, gents.

Oh. There it is. Come on.

There's a step over here now. Where? Oh, thank you.

Drunk again, sir?

That's okay, Butler. So are we.

♪♪ [ Indian ]

[ Tommy Narrating ] I was incredibly hungover at temple next day...

and very late for Henry's father's funeral.

♪♪ [ Chorus: Chorale ]

[ Whispers ] Excuse me. Is this seat free?

[ Clattering ]

Psst. Tommy.

I got a seat for you here. Shh!

Excuse me.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay. You haven't missed anything yet.

You know what? I don't think I'm gonna come in.

Oh, don't be shy. Come on.

I'm not really dressed for this.

Look at the way he's dressed. Come on, come on. You'll have a great time.

[ Henry ] Yes, I know. Thank you, General. It really is a shame.

Anyway, look. There's football on in the lounge if you get bored.

Folks, this way. Hi, Cybil. Hats over there.

Tea upstairs-- [ Continues, Indistinct ] Mmm. Mmm. Yes.

[ Mouths Words ]

So she says, "I'm not gonna hold anything that rough without gloves."

[ Both Laughing ]

Want some? Loosen up! Mingle! It's a party.

Anyway, they start hiking--

Don't I know you? No.

You sure look familiar. Who are you?

I'm a friend of Henry's.

You remind me of my late husband. I do?

Of course, I haven't seen you naked. No.

He was hung like a badger.

Really. Is that good?

Only if you're a badger.

[ Woman ] Mmm, you lucky boy.

She fancies you.

Really? How can you tell? She fancies everybody.

That's Henry's mother, the black sheet of the family.

She took so many strokes in the '60s, they called her the U.S. Open.

A real man-eater.

But perhaps you like being eaten.

[ Teacup Rattling ]

Kitty Farrant. Ah, hi. My name's Tommy Patel.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Patel. Please. Call me Tommy.

No, I think "Mr. Patel" will do for now.

I do love your flowers. What are you, an old hippie?

Uh, no. No, I'm an Asian. Oh, of course. Yes.

I spotted that straightaway.

Blond hair, blue eyes. Typical Asian.

Mm-mmm.

You're definitely for it. Oh, I think that's just a facial tic.

[ Chuckles ] Excuse me.

Dreadful girl. Her father's in beer.

Come.

So, we meet again.

Yes. [ Chuckles ]

Look at them. Don't the English ever enjoy themselves?

Well, it is a funeral. It's not their funeral.

No. Oh, I'm sorry about your husband.

You didn't have to sleep with him.

His idea of a good time in bed...

was three newspapers and a cup of tea.

Uh, more tea, sir?

No, thank you. He thought foreplay was a kind of golf.

Really, a hot water bottle's more fun in bed than most Brits.

It's a wonder they ever reproduce.

[ Clears Throat ]

I must mingle.

If there's anything you want, anything at all,

just ask.

Uh, they are all counted, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry-- No need to explain.

I myself come from the lower classes.

Oh, relax, would ya? Keep the spoon. I got thousands of them.

Hmph. He's such a creep, isn't he?

Where did you get this, Ranji?

Henry gave it me. It's nice, isn't it?

What's the matter, Mum? You sick?

No. It's time I told you certain things, Ranji.

Like what, Mum?

Like why you don't like curry...

and why you don't look like your father.

Ranji, you were adopted.

You're not really a Patel.

You mean I'm not really Asian?

No. I'm sorry.

Ranji, the agency made us take you in...

because we needed the money.

You mean you were paid to take me?

Yes. Three pounds 10 a week.

Oh, great.

Ranji, when you came from the agency,

you had only two possessions in the world.

This monogram blanket and this silver rattle.

Yeah. You're adopted, all right. See? That's you.

It says you were brought in...

by an anonymous woman reeking of garlic.

Garlic?

She insisted you be adopted by a member of the working class...

to save you from the curse of money.

- Oh, how very thoughtful. - Yeah.

Here we are. Indian family, name of Patel.

And the lawyer who handled the case was called Shadgrind.

- Shadgrind? - Uh, Shadgrind and Shadgrind.

68-B Billingsgate Court.

- And the date? - Fifth of June.

It's the same date. Pardon?

- There's no doubt about it. - What, sir?

I am the Bournemouth baby.

- You are a baby. - I should be Henry!

[ Mutters ]

Delightful. Really. You must have one of these.

Hmm? Mmm!

[ Chattering, Stops ]

Your Grace.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the new duke.

[ All ] The new duke.

Thank you.

Speech. Come on. Speech.

[ Henry ] Oh, no, no.

Excuse me. I have to go throw up. What?

Just a diet thing. What?

First of all, let me say how truly appreciative I am that you are all here...

to tell you how wonderfully comfortable I am...

in this, my new humble home.

I'm really thrilled...

to know that this is all... mine.

[ Tommy Narrating ] They say it's lonely at the top,

but it's a damn sight lonelier at the bottom,

and I was tired of being there.

I thought I'd do a little checking up to see just exactly what should have been mine.

Shit!

Hello, James.

It was definitely time to seek legal advice.

Ah. So, you were one of mine, were you?

Yes, I was.

So many of you orphans. Unwanted children all over the place.

People went sex-mad in the '60s, you know?

Seemed to do it just for fun.

Weird.

So, you believe yourself...

to be the duke of Bournemouth, do you?

Yes. I'm absolutely convinced of it.

Mm-hmm. Well, legally, I'm afraid you haven't a leg to stand on.

B-But-- But the blanket and the rattle.

Ah-- Could have been stolen.

W-Well, the date. It's coincidence.

Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Patel, but...

where is the present duke supposed to have come from?

Well, he must have been adopted.

And that's what you'd tell the House of Lords Committee of Privileges, is it?

- Yes. - Yes.

Mr. Patel, you cannot adopt a duke.

That is the whole point.

Of course, it would be quite different if he died.

Why?

Well, you see, three dukedoms...

have died out in the past 10 years.

There's Newcastle, Portland and Leeds.

And the House of Lords don't like that, you see.

The House of Lords like to keep the dukedoms ticking along.

So if you turned up out of the blue,

claiming that you were the true heir,

you'd have a pretty good case.

Yes. If-- If he was dead.

Oh, I see.

So, unless there's an accident--

- A what? - An accident.

I mean, accidents happen, don't they?

You know, car crashes, shooting accidents,

people falling out of windows or...

drinking mercuric chloride and brandy, which not only conceals the taste...

but also makes subsequent chemical detection practically impossible.

That sort of thing. You know, accidents.

- An accident. - Mmm.

Still, not much hope of that, is there?

- Uh, no. No, no. - Of course, that's just a legal opinion.

So, uh--

Big estate, is it? Oh, yes, vast.

[ Sighs ] Pity. Well, good-bye.

Unless, of course, anything happens, God forbid, in the accident department,

in which case, au revoir.

Thanks anyway.

A duke.

Should I look up, proudly, to be admired by the people?

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Or down disdainfully at the throng?

[ Clicking Continues ]

Why don't I give you a few things?

Thank you, Your Grace.

Too much? Not at all, Your Grace.

That's wonderful. Really?

Really good. What do you guys think?

You still look like a dick. A cute dick, though.

[ Chuckles ] Take one of me in front of the fountain.

Certainly, Your Grace. Wonderful.

You know, I'm the first duke under 5'6". Really, Your Grace?

Except for the third duke, who was beheaded.

Can you see the irises? Yes, Your Grace.

Let's do one with the pumas. No, let's do one with the house.

It's supposed to be a portrait, not a real estate brochure.

An American duke. You know how rare that is?

Yes. Oh, I'd give anything to live here.

Yes, I'm sure you will.

Anybody feel like a swim?

Yes, I'll swim, Henry.

[ Man ] And this is the great hall of Saddlers,

the ducal home of the Bournemouths.

This is the family coat of arms,

and there you can see the distinctive puma,

which has been the family emblem...

since the third duke, Tristram, went to South America,

where he lost a leg on safari.

Oh, very careless of him. [ Laughter ]

This picture over here is Lady Virginia Martin,

who gave her all for charity.

And this is the long-suffering Duchess Diana...

with her parrot.

And this is Colonel Dicky Martin,

who, as a result of a famous military operation, became Mrs. Betty Young.

This is the register of the births of the Bournemouths,

and here you can see the latest heir,

Thomas Henry Butterfly Rainbow Peace Martin.

[ Cameras Clicking ]

Good afternoon, everyone.

I'm Henry Martin, the 15th duke of Bournemouth.

[ Woman ] Oh! [ Henry ] Now on other tours,

I know you don't get to see a real duke, let alone meet one.

So this is your lucky day. I want to begin by shaking everybody's hand. Hello.

- [ Woman ] Hello. - Just a little old custom from back home in the States.

Don't be afraid. You're gonna be able to tell all your friends and families...

that you shook hands with a real live duke.

Take a break, Watson. Now, I'm gonna show you parts of this house...

that are never before seen on this tour.

Bitte-- I'll answer all the questions in a little while.

But for now, follow me.

This is the white china puma in here,

which is worth over £30,000.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

Oi!

Where are you going?

Come back!

Don't go in there! They're private apartments!

Come back!

Bollocks!

[ Tommy Narrating ] At last, the penny dropped.

The duchess was my real mother.

[ Duchess ] Butler, I'm just going for a swim. Very well, Your Grace.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, Rainbow Peace.

My little Rainbow Peace.

Where are you?

One move and I'll blow your balls off. [ Whimpers ]

Please. Stop.

[ Glassware Crashing ]

Don't! No, wait!

Oh. Oh, why, Mr. Patel. It's-- It's you.

Yes. Hello.

Um, I-- I was just, uh--

Um-- I was--

Relax. It's okay. I know what you want.

- You do? - Clear as the nose on your face.

Oh! The nose. Yes, I suppose it is.

You can tell a lot by the nose.

I took one look at it and I knew at once.

Ah. Well, that's great.

I'm so happy. So what do we do now?

It's pretty obvious, isn't it? We're both adults.

You mean we go for a swim? [ Chuckles ]

Come on. Don't play the little innocent with me, darling.

L-I think I'm missing something. Oh! I'll be the judge of that.

Come on. Let's do it now. Do what?

Does nobody do it in this damn country? Get your pants off.

Stop! Stop?

You can't just arouse a woman and then yell stop, even if you are English.

If you'll follow me through this withdrawing room--

And I know what you're thinking, but the origin of "drawing room" is "to withdraw"...

because it is the room to which you withdrew.

[ Yelps ] Gotcha!

Oh! [ Henry ] Mummy?

Oh, my God. It's Henry. What?

Bitte-- One sec. Mummy.

Ah. She's not there. Come on in. [ Man ] Oh.

These are the private chambers of the duchess of Bournemouth,

never before seen by you, the public.

Exciting, isn't it?

Now, I want to show you something absolutely fascinating.

[ Speaking German ] What? Over there.

This is the very basket in which I was lost and found again.

I guess that kind of makes me sort of the Moses of the English aristocracy, wouldn't you say?

[ Zipper Opens ] [ Urinating ]

[ Sighs ]

Feel free to take a picture.

These of course will be available on postcards soon, but for now--

[ Urinating Continues ]

Here's one with the little slippers. Lace, of course.

[ Urinating Continues ]

[ Stops ]

[ Zipper Closes ]

Note the official coat of arms of the family on the upper of the bootee.

- [ Door Opens ] - Ah! Good.

Now a rare treat. Authentic 19th-century plumbing.

Come on in. There's room for everyone. [ Tommy Screaming ]

I was just, uh, you know. [ Crashing ]

[ Tommy ] Shit!

[ Groans ] Ow. Ooh. Ow.

[ All Murmuring ]

Bitte.

[ Tommy Narrating ] The next day, I went fishing for evidence.

Let's have a look. Bournemouth baby.

Yes, I remember the case very well.

There was definitely something odd going on.

Odd? Mmm.

[ Man ] I was on duty at the time.

That's not him. Are you sure, Your Grace?

Of course I'm sure. He's not even circumcised. Excuse us a moment.

What? [ Whispering ]

I can't--

Okay, okay. All right, all right.

She's very upset. Naturally, sir.

- Let's have another look, shall we? - All right. It's him.

Right. Call off the search. The baby's found.

[ Crying ]

I often wonder what happened to the other little baby.

'Cause of course we had to close the file on him, now he's no longer missing.

Poor lad.

A lady comes to see me a few days later.

Where have they taken him?

"Who?" says I. The Harrods baby.

"Oh, " says I. "He went back to his rightful home."

Where might that be? ...says the lady.

"Saddlers. The ducal house, " I tells her. "He's gonna be a duke."

[ Laughing ] Thank you, Constable.

...she said finally and writes down the address.

[ Tommy ] Did she smell of garlic? Hmm! Knock your 'ead off.

She must have been his real mother.

I wonder whatever happened to her.

Your favorite: eggs Italian style.

Bully, I've missed this.

Wait till you guys taste this. This is the best dish in the world.

Smells delicious. What's in it?

[ Woman ] It's the garlic. That's the secret.

More wine, Mrs. Bullock?

Oh, no! You'll be getting me tipsy.

Still, to think that I should live to see the day that he's a duke.

To you, Bully. Cheers.

Oh! My little baby.

Please.

Just like my own flesh and blood, he is.

Bless his little cotton socks.

I missed him so when they packed him off to America.

How long have you been here, Mrs. Bullock?

Ever since he was a baby.

Such a sweet little baby he was. No trouble at all.

And such a difficult birth.

And to think now he's come into his fortune.

[ Bell Ringing ] [ Kitty ] Oh. There's your cab, Tommy.

Can you drop me off? Yeah, sure.

You're not going now, are you, Kit?

Big day tomorrow.

Am I on your way? [ Chuckles ]

Everything's on the way to Southall.

Well, would you like to come up for a coffee...

or would you just like to come up and screw me?

Uh, coffee would be lovely. Thank you.

You needn't wait. I'll make sure he gets to bed.

Keep the change.

[ Chuckles ]

Well?

Are you just gonna stand there drooling or are you going to come in?

I think I'll just drool for a little.

[ Grunts ]

Oh. What's that naughty man doing there?

[ Growling, Barking ]

Just having a coffee.

Now, how would you like your coffee?

With or without? Hmm?

Oh, Kitty.

[ Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Well, hello. So, you woke up finally.

Kitty, you are magnificent. I know.

You're gonna have to marry me now.

[ Chuckles ] Don't be silly. I'm serious.

Oh, be real, Tommy. You don't have any money.

And besides, I'm already engaged. You're what?

You were my final fling.

- I was what? - Mmm, sex before marriage...

is so much more exciting with somebody else, don't you think?

What do you mean, "somebody else"?

You were perfect for the job.

- "The job"? - Oh, come on, Tommy.

I needed someone I could trust,

someone who wouldn't tell Henry.

What the hell's Henry got to do with it?

I'm marrying Henry, stupid.

I'm going to be a duchess.

Look. It's in all the newspapers.

- You're marrying Henry. - Now don't be jealous.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Jealous? Why would I be jealous of Henry?

He only has my house, my title, my horses, my cars.

And now he's got you.

I'll kill him.

Hello. [ Gasps ]

- Oh, my God. Into the cupboard. - What?

Into the cupboard, quick. Why?

It's Henry! What are you doing?

Quick. Stop!

Don't be ridiculous. Please, Tommy.

He can't possibly find you here. He'll never understand.

Forget it. Oh, please, Tommy, just for me.

- No, but Kitty-- - Oh, shut up.

Ow!

Ow! Kitty, I'm not gonna go along with this.

I'm gonna face Henry and I'm gonna tell him--

Tommy, if you care about me, you won't say another word.

[ Muffled ] Now I'll handle this.

Of course I understand. You're lovely.

You're a wonderful lover. Thanks. Mmm!

[ Doorbell Rings ] Bye.

Ow!

Darling! Hello, kitten.

[ Kissing Noises ]

I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.

I thought I'd surprise you.

You alone? No. I've got a man in here.

You're very funny.

I was on the phone.

Hey, did you see the papers? Yes. I'm so excited, Henry.

Tommy. What?

I am gonna ask Tommy to be my best man. Great!

Yes, Tommy would make an excellent best man. That's what I thought too.

Can we eat, darling? I'm starving.

I'm not leaving now, Kitty. We're engaged, remember?

Oh, no, Henry, not now.

Oh, yes, Kitty, right now. Shouldn't we have lunch first?

Kitty, I'm a red-blooded American. I have lunch after.

- Yes-- - Kitty, I've waited until we're officially engaged.

Now get on the bed. Come on.

[ Both Chuckling ]

Oh! That-a-girl.

[ Hinge Creaking ] [ Henry ] Ow!

Gosh, Henry, that's huge.

That is the biggest one I have ever seen.

And the jeweler says if you don't like the setting, you can change it.

Oh.

Oh, God. Oh, it's magnificent.

[ Laughing ] Oh, Henry!

Gorgeous! Oh, Henry.

Mmm. Oh, Henry. [ Henry Mumbling ]

- [ Kitty, Henry Laughing ] - [ Frustrated Grunt ]

I'll kill him!

Well, I should put some trousers on first.

[ Dog Whining ] Dino!

[ Barking ]

[ Kitty ] Oh, Henry! Don't look.

[ Dog Barking ] How disgusting, Dino. That dreadful man.

Not a stitch on.

[ Tommy Narrating ] I felt utterly humiliated,

and all I could think of was revenge.

Get some lessons, will ya? Who is this guy?

[ Hisses, Cackles ]

Yes! Yes!

The next weekend, Henry invited me down to Saddlers.

But for an accident, it would have been mine.

Perhaps, with another accident, it still could be.

Great car, Tom.

Thanks for the other day. Saved my life.

Tommy! I'm so glad you're here.

Come on in. I'm dying to show you the house.

I'm afraid one of the pumas has escaped again, Your Grace.

[ Henry ] Go and catch it. What is the problem? Can we find a cage that works?

I've put you in the blue room-- next to mine.

I'd lock your door. You'd be safer with the puma.

[ Growling ]

I prepared Henry a lethal cocktail...

of mercuric chloride laced with brandy.

- Oh. It's you, sir. - Good evening, Mrs. Bullock.

- Do you need something, sir? - No, thank you, Mrs. Bullock. I have everything I need.

[ Hounds Barking ]

I think so, Henry. Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

[ Shouting ]

Pity you don't ride, Tom.

Hey, Tommy, Kitty's great in the saddle, isn't she?

Yeah, she certainly is.

I'm sure the duchess will look after you.

[ Thumps ] Ow!

[ Chuckles ]

Just for you. Cheers.

Mmm. Later, darling.

Here you are, Henry. A little "thank you" from me.

What a super pal you are. It's a thoughtful gift, Tom.

Little drink, help you on your way.

Very sweet of you. Cheers. Bye.

[ Protesters Shouting ]

Oh, Lord...

who hath created all creatures, great and small,

grant that we may find this day...

one or even two that we may chase and destroy...

to thy almighty purpose.

Amen.

Hunting's immoral! It degrades foxes!

Freedom for vermin!

[ Whinnying ] Whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

[ Groans ] Don't come near me!

[ Horn Blowing ]

[ Shutter Clicks ] Bye! Bye-bye!

No, wait! What for?

Fascist pig!

[ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

He's dead.

Pull!

Wow! Wow, you're good.

Uh, your turn, sir.

"Pull"? Yes, sir.

Pull!

[ Gunfire ]

Ah. Was that close?

Oh, Henry, bad luck.

Have another go, darling. Go on.

[ Henry ] Give me another gun. I gotta hit something.

Let me just keep trying until I get it.

I, uh, suggest the eyes open, sir.

- Pull! - [ Ticking ]

Pull!

Oh, great shot, Henry! Well played. Well played.

[ Whimpering ]

Mummy!

I was just showing Mr. Brittle the view.

[ Tommy Narrating ] So far, Henry's luck had held,

but could he survive the wedding?

♪♪ [ Organ: "Bridal Chorus" ]

♪♪ [ Drum Fill ]

♪♪ [ Continues, Burlesque ]

[ Men Shouting, Whistling ]

Distasteful though a stag night is,

it gave me a chance to get Henry plastered.

[ Inaudible ]

Doreen had been a triumph as Hamlet.

Now she played the naughty bride to perfection.

Unlike Doreen, I had something up my sleeve.

It was "Good night, Henry."

He should run out of gas somewhere over the North Sea.

[ Sighing ]

- Oi! - What's goin' on?

[ Henry Muttering ]

- [ Man #1 ] Was it you? - [ Man #2 ] No!

[ Gasping ]

[ Screams ]

He's come back!

Wow!

♪♪ [ Organ: "Bridal Chorus" ]

Shh! Sit down!

♪♪ [ Stops ]

Where the hell is he?

Um-- Oh, I've no idea.

Perhaps he's changed his mind.

Just a thought.

[ Parishioners Murmuring ]

[ Indistinct ]

Do sit down, ladies and gentlemen, please.

Hey! Whose bike is this? It's my bike.

Great. There you go.

Hey, I got a big bike! I got a big bike at home for you!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Tommy. Don't worry.

I'm sure Henry will surface sooner or later.

[ Bell Ringing ] Hey! Hey! I'm here!

Ah! I made it.

Darling, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me. I know you will.

But what a party. Tommy-- What a best man this is.

Incredible. The food, the fish, the chips, the guys, everything.

Doreen was incredible. Okay? Huh?

All right. Let's get married.

Sorry I'm late, folks.

Everybody still.

Thank you.

Now one with the duchess, please.

I think he means me.

Congratulations. You finally made it.

You're too kind, Mummy.

Good-bye, everyone. Thanks so much. Come on, darling.

Here you go. Bye.

Whoa. Thanks again.

Bye-bye, everyone. [ Squeals ]

Whoa! See you in France, Tommy.

♪♪ [ Band: Ragtime ]

♪♪ [ Continues, Faint ]

[ Shadgrind ] Magnificent, isn't it?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, I hadn't realized just how vast the estate was.

Well, what of it? Well, plenty to go around, that's all.

What do you mean?

Well, I've been investigating your claim. It's looking rather good.

I spoke to Mrs. Bullock.

She's very worried, incidentally. Why?

Well, she thinks that someone's trying to do away with her son--

Henry, you know. Drink?

Uh-- No. No, thank you.

Ah. Not your poison, eh?

[ Wheezing Laugh ] Only joking.

Look, what are you implying?

I'm implying that somebody needs a partner.

Don't be absurd. Tom.

All this could be ours.

I think you'd better leave.

You're right. If anyone saw us talking together-- I didn't mean that.

No, no. Of course you didn't.

- Get out of here! - Good thinking.

I don't want to see you again.

Oh, all right. If you insist.

♪♪ [ Man Singing In French ]

[ Tommy Narrating ] Kitty and Henry were nauseatingly happy,

though clearly thrilled to see me.

Life itself was idyllic, until one or two little accidents began to happen.

Somebody put helium in Henry's scuba tank.

Tommy, have you seen Henry?

No, no.

[ Screaming ]

[ High-pitched Voice ] It's okay. I'm fine, really. I'm all right.

Great.

All that week, the curse continued to strike.

For Germany, I think a black one.

What do you think? Careful with that.

Though, alas, without much success.

Must weigh a ton.

Boy, am I starving.

[ Shouts ]

Here, Tom. Let me carve...

'cause I think I'm a bit better with a knife.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

- [ Whistles ] - ♪♪ [ Pop On Headphones ]

[ Laughs ]

Stop it. Ha, ha.

[ Sighs ]

A few days later, somebody tampered with the pool sweep.

[ Coughing, Gasping ]

Help! Help, Kitty!

Kitty!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Help! [ Muffled Shout ]

[ Mouths Word ]

Henry?

♪♪ [ Stops ]

Henry?

Tommy. Have you seen Henry?

No, no. Not at all. Oh.

[ Bubbling ] Oh, my God!

Henry!

Oh, my dear! Henry?

[ Henry, Distorted ] Hey, you guys. This is great.

You can sit under here for hours!

[ Tommy Narrating ] He was such a lucky bastard!

But I had one more plan.

♪♪ [ Bagpipes: "La Marseillaise" ]

Merci, bonjour, messieurs, mesdames.

Je suis Tommy Patel.

P-a-t-e-I. Here's my card.

I'm going with you all the way to London.

[ Speaking French ]

Remember, Patel is the name.

Au revoir et good-bye, mes amis.

[ Tommy Narrating ] Having established my alibi,

all I had to do was make a graceful exit from the train.

[ Screaming ]

[ Bagpipes Blaring ]

[ Flies Buzzing ] [ Cow Moos ]

[ Cowbell Ringing ]

- [ Windows Bang Open ] - [ Tommy Gasps ]

Ah. Smell the night.

Mmm. Smells like cow shit.

[ Henry Sniffing ] You're right. [ Grunts ]

They must have put it on the roses.

You know, Henry? Hmm.

I only married you for your money.

[ Both Chuckle ]

I only married you for your beer.

[ Kitty Chuckles ]

Would you like to discuss the merger again? Huh?

Well, I-- I think I can be talked into it.

[ Whimpers ] Ow!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

[ Screams ]

Oh, Henry. Oh, Henry!

[ Dogs Barking ]

Oh, bugger. The dogs.

Nice doggie. Nice-- Nice--

Sit, sit, sit! [ Yelping ]

[ Barking, Snarling ]

[ Fabric Tearing ] Stop it! Get down!

[ Tommy Narrating ] Luckily, the dogs gave up after about a mile.

And as soon as I'd finished bleeding,

I returned to finish the job.

Saddlers, soon to be my Saddlers,

looked peaceful in the afternoon sunlight.

Gotcha! [ Yelps ]

Tommy. Hi. Yes.

Well, this is unexpected. Yes.

What on earth are you doing here?

Um, I-- I was--

You came to surprise me, you naughty boy.

Yes, I did. I knew it. Goody!

Henry and Kitty can't catch us today.

No, they can't. Come, come, come, come, come, come.

So how are the little lovebirds getting on?

Oh, uh, like a house on fire.

[ Laughing ] Oh, you're chasing me!

Don't look so guilty, Tommy. What?

We haven't done anything... yet.

Oh. No.

[ Butler Clears Throat ]

Your, uh, vitamins, Your Grace.

Oh. Thank you, Butler.

I put the black sheets on the bed as you requested.

No need to wait up, Butler.

Mr. Patel and I have a lot to discuss.

I'm sure you have, madam.

Sleep well, sir.

[ Door Closes ] Jealous.

♪♪ [ Blues Ballad ]

[ Woman ] ♪ I put a spell on you ♪

♪ 'Cause you're mine ♪

♪♪ [ Scatting ]

[ Snarls ]

♪ You better stop the things you do ♪

[ Purring ]

♪ I ain't lyin' ♪

♪ No, I ain't lyin' ♪

♪ You know I can't stand it, your runnin' around ♪

- [ Snarling ] - ♪ You know better 'bout it ♪

♪ I can't stand it 'cause you put me down ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪

[ Door Opens ] ♪♪ [ Stops ]

Forgive me, Your Grace. Oh!

What is it now, Butler?

Some bad news, I fear, Your Grace.

Oh, dear. Not the puma again.

Mmm.

Oh! Timing, Butler.

[ Duchess ] Oh, Henry!

[ Tommy Narrating ] What had I done?

I had gained a fortune but lost two friends.

I was doomed to hell as a Christian...

and horrendous rebirth as a Hindu.

[ Woman's Voice ] Thou shalt not kill.

[ Overlapping Voices ] Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not kill.

[ Voices Continue, Distorted ]

[ Body Thuds ]

Tommy?

[ Sighs ] Am I dead?

No, silly. You just fainted.

- You're alive! - Of course we're alive.

But the fire.

[ Kitty ] How did you know about the fire?

- Wasn't there a fire? - You bet there was a fire.

The whole villa burnt down. Boy, is Mummy pissed. Hmm.

- How did you get out? - Some jerk woke up the dogs and we took them for a walk.

And when we got back, the whole place was an inferno.

I'm so glad you're alive.

Takes a lot to kill me, Tom.

I know... now that everything's gonna be just fine.

[ Woman Screaming ]

Oh, my God!

[ Sobbing ]

The cook is quite frozen, I fear, Your Grace.

[ Sighs ] Bully.

Poor Mrs. Bullock. She always hated frozen food.

I just came down for a slice of ham, sir,

and there she was. [ Sobbing ]

How did this happen? The door must have closed on her.

[ Chattering In Italian ]

[ Tommy Narrating ] A few days later, Kitty invited me to lunch.

I feel bad, Tommy. It's the curse.

I'll get you an aspirin. No, silly.

The family curse. Oh! I'm sorry.

Somebody is trying to kill Henry.

Don't be ridiculous.

Tommy, do you remember the night of my engagement?

[ Chuckles ] How could I ever forget?

Remember that little incident after the theater?

What little incident?

Oh, come on. You practically raped me.

- I did what? - Well, date rape.

Kitty, how could I date rape you five times?

Well, perhaps I did encourage you a bit.

"A bit"? You asked me to come up and f--

You asked me to come up and give you one.

And you did, and I forgive you.

Oh, thank you.

But the point is, Tommy, I'm pregnant.

The baby's yours.

There really isn't any doubt.

Your son will be the duke of Bournemouth.

Well, good grief. [ Sighs ]

[ Air Hissing ]

Come on.

Come on.

[ Tommy Narrating ] Together, Henry and I...

experienced the joy of traditional English childbirth...

down the pub. [ Laughing ]

[ Phone Rings ] Oh, wait!

Hello?

It's a baby!

[ Cheering, Chattering ]

[ Kitty ] Nanny? Yes, Your Grace?

Come and have some cake. Oh, thank you, Your Grace.

Hello. Hey.

Come and see your daddy. Come on.

How are you, Tommy? Yeah. I had to see you.

Come on. Let's have a bit of a walk, shall we? Hey?

[ Tommy, Indistinct ]

This will be yours, you know. Yeah.

[ Minister ] For as much as it has pleased Almighty God of his great mercy...

to take unto himself the soul of our dear Nanny here departed,

we therefore commit her body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life...

through our Lord Jesus Christ,

who shall change our vile bodies--

You won't be leaving the country or anything, will you, sir?

What? No. Why?

We are continuing our inquiries into the murder of the nanny.

Murder?

Prams don't just explode, do they, sir?

We believe foul play was involved.

Surely you don't think I'm--

I don't think anything, sir.

I'm a police officer.

...and whosoever liveth and believeth in him shall not die eternally--

[ Tommy Narrating ] Typical of the police...

to suspect me of murder the first time I was innocent.

Pity about the nanny.

Sad.

Good God. Shadgrind! What the hell are you doing here?

Well, let's call it a watching brief.

Shame to lose another witness.

Still, I have her testimony on file.

What file? What are you talking about?

Our case, Tom. What do you mean, "our case"?

Oh, sorry, I forgot. Stumm!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Say no more.

I told you. I want nothing more to do with you.

That's it, Tom. Keep it up.

Look. Piss off! Yeah. Once more, a bit louder.

Why don't you fuck off!

Excellent. Very convincing.

Nannies don't just explode.

Cooks don't just spontaneously refrigerate.

What was going on? Was it the curse?

[ Henry ] Tea? Who would be next?

[ Monitor: Baby Crying ]

We are gonna need a new nanny, I guess. We definitely are.

I'll get it, dear. You sit with Henry.

Oh, thank you. Thanks, Mummy.

[ Crying Continues ] Hello? What's all this noise then?

What's the matter with you then, eh? Eh?

What's the matter with you, eh? Here. Play with this.

[ Rattle Shaking ] [ Tommy ] Oh.

You like that, do you? You like that, do you?

I think we need a change, don't you? Eh?

Come on. Yes. [ Crying ]

Come on, then. Come on. It's okay.

Lay you all the way down.

Got to change your pants. It's panty-changing time.

[ Sniffs, Groans ] God!

Blimey. Where does it all come from?

You're nice and clean. Happy little ferret.

[ Baby Cooing ] [ Tommy Chuckles ]

- Oh, hello. - Oh, it's you, Tommy.

He was a bit wet, so I thought I'd change him, you know.

You treat that baby like it was your own.

Well, I don't mind changing babies' nappies.

It's watching them eat that's repulsive.

Oh, you have such lovely buttocks, Tommy.

Oh, please, Your Grace, don't start.

Oh, come on. You love it, really. No, please, stop.

[ Duchess ] Oh, "stop." You're always saying "stop."

I can't for the life of me think why you won't--

Oh, well, I'm not gonna listen to this.

- Oh, my God. - What?

The rattle.

Only one person in the world had that rattle.

Oh, my God. It's you. You're my baby.

[ Tommy ] No. No.

[ Duchess ] Of course you are. How stupid of me. You--

You even look like the Bournemouths.

Oh, Rainbow Peace.

You're my little Butterfly Rainbow Peace.

Oh, God, my baby. My little baby boy's come back to me!

Please, Your Grace. Oh, your mummy's so glad to see you!

You don't know how much I missed you, my little baby bee.

Baby, baby, kissy, kissy, kissy. I love you so much!

Ow! What's that for?

That is for trying to seduce your mother.

- Seduce you? - We won't say another word about it.

I forgive you. You didn't know.

Who's been a naughty little boy for leaving his mummy for so long?

You left me behind in a restaurant!

I do hope you're not going to be bitter.

I'm only bitter about Mrs. Bullock.

Mrs. Bullock? Yes.

She was a cook in that restaurant.

So?

Mrs. Bullock was Henry's mother.

Oh, my God.

Bully was my mother? Oh, God.

My mother-in-law was a cook.

So I'm not a duke. And I'm not a duchess.

Well, Henry will just have to renounce the title.

No, no, no. I won't hear of it.

He must. We can't have a cook's son on the ducal throne.

Far too vulgar. Pity about the baby though.

Still, you're young enough. You can have another.

[ Tommy ] No, there's no real need, actually.

[ Duchess ] What do you mean, there's no real need?

There's no need for another baby. It's my kid. What?

That's my child. Yours?

Yes. Kitty and I had a brief, uh, you know,

before she got married.

You're the child's father?

Yes. Kitty said there's no doubt whatsoev-- [ Clicks Off ]

Henry.

Henry, I can explain everything.

Oh, Henry, please come back! [ Door Slams ]

Oh!

So then I grew up in Southall.

And, uh, you know, we had a newsagent and a tobacconist.

Mm-hmm. And I had to do that.

I would get up first thing in the morning on a Sunday...

and do all the Sunday papers.

Oh. [ Door Opens ]

You've gotta stop him. He heard every word!

[ Grunts ]

Hey. Can I take this?

Oh, absolutely, Your Grace.

Is it all gassed up? Oh, yes. I fixed it now, Your Grace.

You just put your foot down there and whoom!

Sorry. Your Ex-Grace.

Where is he?

Good God. Shadgrind! Good afternoon, Your Grace.

What do you mean, "Your Grace"? What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, just hot-rodding the Morgan. What?

You know, making sure Henry's car really takes off.

What are you talking about? Lovely old banger, that car.

Goes like a bomb, eh? Tick, tick?

Oh, my God. You bombed Nanny!

No, no, no, Tom. No, no. That was an accident. An accident?

I was after the baby. Why?

Well, gotta clear the path, Tom, if you're to inherit.

You're mad.

Well, we're all a bit mad. Oh, going to watch, are you?

Enjoy it. [ Imitates Explosion ]

Terrific. [ Chuckles ]

Found the frozen cook yet? [ Chuckling ]

Marvelous, isn't it? Not so much as a "thank you."

♪♪ [ Men Singing In French ] [ Horn Honking ]

Come on, Frenchman!

[ Chattering, Scoffing ]

Come on. You're in Angleterre.

[ Honking Continues ]

- Oh, well, same to vous. - Look out! Look out!

- [ Screams ] - [ Horn Blaring ]

[ Henry ] Whoa! [ Honking ]

Idiot!

Imbécile!

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

[ Honking ]

[ Horn Blaring ]

[ Honking ]

[ French ]

♪♪ [ Singing In French ]

[ Honking ]

Look out! Watch out!

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Kitty ] Oh, Tommy. What am I gonna do without Henry?

You'll have to marry me, Kitty.

What? It's the obvious solution. I'll look after you.

But I don't want to marry you, Tommy.

Whyever not? Because I don't love you.

I love Henry. Yeah, yeah, but it's for the sake of our child.

[ Sighs ] Tommy, it's not your child.

What? It's Henry's.

But you told me-- I lied.

Whatever for?

Because I thought you were going to murder Henry.

I was desperate to stop you.

[ Sighs ] Oh, God, Kitty, it wasn't like that.

[ Gasps ]

He didn't kill Henry, actually. I did.

You know, Your Grace,

I thought we were supposed to be partners, but I can't see any sign of it.

Can you? Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

What do you think you're doing, Shadgrind?

- Just arranging a tragic suicide pact. - What?

Well, I've made myself the baby's legal guardian, you see.

Till he comes of age. Still, that's 18 years of living here, rent-free.

Can't be bad!

[ Wheezing Laugh, Snorting ]

- Don't be ridiculous. - So, the family curse strikes again, does it?

- What a shame! - [ Gasping ]

You and I could have been very happy together, Tom-Tom. Kneel down, please.

Drop the gun, Shadgrind.

[ Both Gasp ]

- Boo. - Ah!

[ Rifle Clatters ]

Henry! How the hell did--

I pulled the car over for a piss. Some schmuck took it.

Oh! No, get down!

[ Grunts ]

- Help! - Henry!

[ Tommy ] Henry, are you-- Oi!

Now, where was I? Yes.

Three bodies in tragic mystery love tangle. Hmm.

Oh. Better make that four, Shadgrind! Ha!

- Get me outta this moose! - Somebody help Henry.

[ Kitty ] Henry! Oh, Henry!

- [ Rustling ] - [ Growling ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Growling Continues ]

I'm a lawyer.

[ Roars ]

Nice puss!

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

- [ Crash ] - [ Puma Hissing ]

[ Frenchmen ] Le puma! Le puma!

[ Frenchmen Shouting ]

[ Shadgrind ] I warned you. You wouldn't listen.

Typical, that. Marvelous, isn't it?

The ingratitude. Well, that's a lawyer's lot these days.

Um, you might as well take me straight to France, incidentally.

[ French Man ] I tell you, it was a puma.

[ Tommy Narrating ] That was the last we saw of Shadgrind,

though there were rumors that he'd run off to Beverly Hills and become a film producer.

Henry forgave me, and we became firm friends.

[ Groans ]

I sold my story to the tabloids...

and married my secretary to prevent her selling hers.

Bye, Mummy. My mother went off with a policeman.

Come on, Harry. We'll be late for the races.

And as for Kitty and Henry,

well, they helped me establish Saddlers as a major tourist attraction.

Though, naturally, Henry did it his way. Good afternoon, everyone,

I'm Henry Bullock, your host and official guide for this afternoon's tour.

You can give your tickets to Mr. Brittle there. Looking sharp, Brittle.

And so we all lived happily ever after.

Well, for a bit at least.

[ Puma Roars ]

[ Man ] ♪ I was just born lucky ♪

♪ Yes, I guess it's true ♪

♪ But now my lucky luckiness ♪

♪ Has all turned into blue ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my whole life away ♪

♪ I was so happy all of the time ♪

♪ With my baby I was oh-so-fine ♪

♪ But you came right along and knocked me for a song ♪

♪ You took everything that should be mine, mine, mine, mine ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my happiness away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Now somehow that someone's gonna have to pay ♪

♪ I lost my baby when he stepped in ♪

♪ He took my life and everything ♪

♪ He stole my baby Now I'm so blue ♪

♪ Tell me what to do-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my happiness today ♪

♪ He came along He did me wrong ♪

♪ Now my whole life's gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Someone came and stole my whole life away ♪

♪ He's gonna have to pay someway ♪

♪ He's gonna have to pay someday ♪

♪ Yes, he's gonna have to pay ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪