All language subtitles for I Am Comic 2010

>> LEAVE YOU WITH SOMETHING MY

WIFE SAID RECENTLY THAT ACTUALLY

MADE A LOT OF SENSE.

SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, DANA, YOU

MIGHT NOT BE THE SMARTEST GUY IN

THE WORLD.

YOU MIGHT NOT BE THE FUNNIEST

GUY IN THE WORLD.

YOU MIGHT NOT BE THE

BEST-LOOKING GUY IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW.

>> IF YOU GOT A JOKE AND IT

GOES, "DIDDLY-DIDDLY-DIDDLY

DIDDLY-DIDDLY-DIDDLY BOOM!"

EITHER YOU NEED TO MAKE IT TO

GO, "DIDDLY-DIDDLY-DIDDLY BOOM!"

OR YOU GOT TO GO, "DIDDLY-DIDDLY

BOOM, DIDDLY-DIDDLY BOOM,

DIDDLY-DIDDLY BOOM!"

YOU CAN'T HAVE TOO MUCH

DIDDLY-DIDDLY BEFORE THE BOOM.

>> POOPY IS FUNNIER THAN

PEEPEE.

DOODY'S FUNNIER THAN POOP.

>> WOULD LOVE TO WALK THROUGH AN

AIRPORT WITHOUT SOMEONE JUST

YELLING, "HOT POCKET!" YOU KNOW?

LITERALLY, PEOPLE GO,

"HOT POCKET!"

AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW

TO RESPOND EXCEPT FOR, LIKE,

"THANKS," YOU KNOW?

"YEAH, HOT POCKET!" YOU KNOW?

IT'S A STRANGE THING TO JUST

YELL OUT AT SOMEBODY, BUT HOW

CAN I COMPLAIN ABOUT IT?

>> FARTS ARE FUNNIER THAN DOODY,

AND DIARRHEA IS THE FUNNIEST.

>> I'VE NEVER BEEN SMART ENOUGH

TO HAVE A CATCH PHRASE THAT'S

ACCESSIBLE BECAUSE MY CATCH

PHRASE IS, "YOU GO FUCK

YOURSELF, AND MY PUSSY SAID SO,

TOO," OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN

HAVE ON A COFFEE MUG.

>> COMICS ARE CRAZY, AND IT

TAKES A SPECIAL PERSON TO BE

ABLE TO DEAL WITH A COMIC.

YOU KNOW, LIKE SMOKEY ROBINSON

SAID IN HIS SONG

"TEARS OF A CLOWN,"

"PEOPLE SAY THAT I'M THE LIFE OF

THE PARTY 'CAUSE I TELL A JOKE

OR TWO, BUT TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT

MY FACE.

I'M CRYIN'."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I'VE TURNED INTO EVERYTHING I

HATED.

I'M THE GUY THAT SHOWS UP AT THE

LAUGH FACTORY IN LOS ANGELES,

DECIDES TO COME IN AND WORK OUT

A FEW THINGS.

AND ALL THESE YOUNG GUYS ARE

SWEATING BACK THERE, AND I GO,

"EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE.

I'M GONNA GO ON NOW.

I'M GONNA TAKE THIS LITTLE SWEET

SPOT THAT YOU'VE WORKED HARD

FOR, AND I'M JUST GONNA TAKE IT

AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE,

BASICALLY, I CAN."

>> WHY ARE COMEDY DOCUMENTARIES

ALWAYS SO FUCKING SERIOUS?

I MEAN, I KNOW WE'RE SAD PEOPLE

TO BEGIN WITH, BUT LET'S FIND A

LIGHTER WAY TO DO IT.

MAYBE IF WE'RE BOTH LICKING

GIGANTIC LOLLIPOPS OR SOMETHING.

IT'S NOT SO SAD, GUYS.

I MEAN, WE'RE LUCKY.

WE WORK AN HOUR A DAY.

COME ON.

>> EVER SINCE I WAS 10 YEARS

OLD, I KNEW THAT I WAS A

STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

BY THE TIME I WAS 17, I WAS

WORKING IN NIGHTCLUBS RIGHT AS

THE COMEDY BOOM STARTED TO

SWELL, AND I RODE THAT BABY LIKE

A STALLION INTO CABLE-TELEVISION

APPEARANCES.

I HOSTED GAME SHOWS, DID SOME

SITCOM WORK, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I WENT INTO REMISSION FROM

STAND-UP IN 1994, ALTHOUGH I

STILL DO IT ABOUT ONCE A YEAR,

AND I LOVE IT.

AND I CAN ACTUALLY SIT AND ENJOY

STAND-UP COMEDY, SO I WANTED TO

EXPLORE THE OCCUPATION OF BEING

A WORKING COMEDIAN.

>> COMEDY'S PRETTY SIMPLE.

WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S THE JOKES

COMING.

WHAT WE DO IS WE MOVE THE

PUNCHLINE AROUND AND THEN HIDE

THE PUNCHLINE SOMEHOW.

IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.

>> I'M SO PROUD WHEN I WRITE A

ONE-LINER.

I'LL GIVE YOU A ONE-LINER --

LIKE, IT'S SETUP, PAYOFF, SETUP,

PAYOFF.

IT'S MATHEMATICS.

IT'S MUSIC.

OKAY. THE BEST CONTRACEPTIVE FOR

OLD PEOPLE IS NUDITY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THERE'S ALL KINDS OF

DIFFERENT WORDS AND VOCABULARY

AND A GLOSSARY OF TERMS THAT YOU

COME TO KNOW AS YOU DO STAND-UP.

IT ALL STARTS FROM THE JOKE.

THE JOKE IS A SIMPLE

SETUP-PUNCHLINE STRUCTURE.

WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKEUP AND

PERFUME?

BECAUSE THEY SMELL BAD AND

THEY'RE UGLY.

A TAG ON THAT MIGHT BE, "ALL

WOMEN ARE WHORES."

NOW, THAT DOESN'T REALLY GO

TOGETHER, AND THAT'S NOT REALLY

ME OR MY VIEW, BUT FOR SOMEBODY

ELSE, THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD

LITTLE THING THAT THE AUDIENCE

MIGHT REACT TO.

AND THEN ANOTHER JOKE AND

ANOTHER JOKE MIGHT HELP BUILD

WHAT WE CALL A BIT -- YOU KNOW,

THREE OR FOUR JOKES IN AND

AROUND ONE CENTRAL THEME OR

IDEA.

AND THEN ONCE YOU GET MAYBE A

STORY WRAPPED IN THERE WITH SOME

CHARACTERIZATION OF TWO PEOPLE

MEETING ON A STREET, TALKING

ABOUT WOMEN AND WHY THEY'RE

WHORES, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'VE

GOT 10, 15 MINUTES.

WE CALL THAT A CHUNK.

AND THAT ALL GOES INTO THE FILE

CALLED THE SET.

SO YOU'VE GOT, "WHY I HATE

MYSELF," "WHY I HATE MY

PARENTS," "JEWS ARE CHEAP,"

"WOMEN ARE WHORES," AND "FARTS

ARE FUNNY," AND THAT'S YOUR

SHOW.

>> I'M OUTSIDE THE HOME OF

COMEDIAN RITCH SHYDNER.

RITCH WAS NOT ONLY THE FIRST

HEADLINER THAT I GOT TO OPEN FOR

ON THE ROAD, BUT HE WAS VERY

HELPFUL WHEN I MOVED TO L.A. TO

GET SPOTS AT THE IMPROV AND

SUCH.

HE DROPPED OUT OF THE GAME,

WHICH KIND OF BAFFLES ME.

THE GUY DID HBO,

"THE TONIGHT SHOW."

HE DID "LETTERMAN."

AND WE GOT REACQUAINTED AFTER I

STUMBLED UPON HIS BOOK

"I KILLED," WHICH IS A

COMPILATION OF ROAD STORIES

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU KEEP ON THE

BACK OF THE TOILET, RIGHT?

YOU JUST BROWSE THROUGH.

BUT, ANYWAY, SINCE RITCH HAS

ALREADY INTERVIEWED HUNDREDS OF

COMEDIANS, I FIGURED HE'D BE A

GREAT ALLY IN NOT ONLY GETTING

IN TOUCH WITH COMICS, BUT ALSO

TO DO SOME OF THE INTERVIEWS.

AND QUITE FRANKLY, I WANT TO

FIND OUT WHY HE QUIT.

>> ...ARGUE AS A COUPLE.

YOU KNOW THAT, NO MATTER HOW

MUCH IN LOVE YOU ARE, NO MATTER

HOW MUCH YOU NEED EACH OTHER,

THERE ARE GONNA BE THOSE MOMENTS

IN ANY PARTICULAR DAY WHERE, ONE

MINUTE, YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE

OTHER PERSON.

YOU'RE THINKING TO YOURSELF, "I

WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY

LIFE WITH YOU."

AND YOUR NEXT THOUGHT COULD BE,

"HOW CAN I FAKE MY DEATH?"

AND YOU WOMEN KNOW THAT GUYS

AREN'T AS GOOD AT NURTURING AS

YOU ARE.

OH, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU IF WE

SEE, LIKE, BULLET WOUNDS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT ANYTHING SHORT OF THAT, WE

GET A KIND OF "WALK IT OFF"

MENTALITY.

"WHAT DO YOU GOT -- THE FLU?

WELL, GET UP AND DO SOME

HOUSEWORK.

THAT'S THE BEST THING FOR THE

FLU."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

>> RITCH SHYDNER, 1979-1997 --

ALMOST MADE IT 20 YEARS.

SO NOW I'M WRITING.

I WRITE FOR STAND-UPS,

OBVIOUSLY, 'CAUSE THAT'S, LIKE,

A NO-BRAINER.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M RESEARCHING

THE HISTORY OF STAND-UP COMEDY,

SO THAT'S WHAT THE BOOKS ARE

ABOUT.

SO, I GOT THESE OLD JOKE BOOKS.

THESE ARE LIKE FROM ABOUT

1915 -- COON JOKES, HEBREW

JOKES.

THESE ARE ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE,

YOU KNOW, WAY BEFORE POLITICAL

CORRECTNESS.

SOME OF THESE OLD JOKES -- YOU

STILL SEE THEM BACK AGAIN.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, ANYTHING

HUSBAND-AND-WIFE STUFF -- IT

NEVER CHANGES.

IT JUST FLIPS AROUND TO

SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

[ SIGHS ]

EITHER THE AUDIENCE FOLLOWS YOU

OUT OF THE COMEDY CLUBS, OR YOU

FOLLOW THEM OUT, YOU KNOW?

THEY FOLLOW YOU OUT TO THE

THEATERS AND THE BIGGER VENUES,

OR YOU FOLLOW THEM OUT TO THE

CRUISE SHIPS AND THEN THE COMEDY

DAYROOMS AT THE OLD FOLKS' HOME

RETIREMENT CONDOS -- WHATEVER.

AND I WAS AT THE POINT WHERE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS ON THE ROAD LIKE

THREE WEEKS TO SUPPORT A FAMILY

LIVING IN L.A.

I HAD MY FAMILY IN STORAGE --

THAT'S WHAT I HAD.

GREATEST AMERICAN EVER, IN MY

ESTIMATION.

AND THEN THE SECOND-GREATEST

AMERICAN, JEFF FOXWORTHY.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT'S THAT RIGHT THERE?

>> THAT'S A GOLD RECORD I WROTE

WITH JEFF ON HIS CD

"TOTALLY COMMITTED."

I MEAN, I GOT THOUSANDS OF NAMES

OF COMEDIANS FOR THAT BOOK, THE

RESEARCH.

I MEAN, THERE WERE SO MANY

COMEDIANS WE TALKED TO AND

INTERVIEWED.

>> DO YOU HAVE THE URGE TO

PERFORM AGAIN?

DO YOU...

>> NO, NO, NO.

NO, YOU GOT TO -- FIRST OF ALL,

I'M 12 YEARS OUT OF THE GAME,

AND THE GAME'S MOVED ON.

YOU'VE GOT A TIME FRAME, AND YOU

MAKE IT IN THAT TIME FRAME.

I HAD FIVE TV PILOTS.

DIDN'T GO. DIDN'T MAKE IT.

DIDN'T HIT THAT NEXT PROFILE,

BACK WHEN YOU HAD TO HAVE A TV

SHOW TO MAKE A PROFILE.

JORDAN BRADY'S OVER HERE.

HE WANTS TO DO A DOCUMENTARY ON

STAND-UP COMEDY.

WHO ELSE COULD WE CALL UP?

>> IT'S SHYDNER.

CALL ME BACK.

818-458-8600.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?

ANYWAY, CALL ME BACK.

818-458-8600.

GARRY, IT'S RITCH SHYDNER.

REMEMBER ME -- COMIC FROM THE

'80s?

WELL, YEAH, BUT I'M ALSO DOING

SOME OTHER THINGS RIGHT NOW, AND

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE SITUATION

WAS FOR YOU AND LIFE INSURANCE,

BUT...

>> WHAT CAN WE FIND OUT?

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND OUT?

>> WHAT IT TAKES TO DO IT.

I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN THE

PERSONALITY, THE MECHANICS --

EVERYTHING IT TAKES TO DO IT --

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO

DO STAND-UP -- THE SACRIFICES,

OF COURSE, WHAT YOU GET FROM IT.

I MEAN, THEY ALWAYS TALK ABOUT

WHAT THE COMICS -- COMICS LIKE

TO GO, "I GIVE TO THE AUDIENCE.

I GIVE.

I'M LIKE A DOCTOR.

I HEAL THE AUDIENCE."

BUT THE AUDIENCE HEALS THE

COMIC -- IT'S A TWO-WAY THING.

>> I'M A PERFORMER, JUST AS SURE

AS A DOLPHIN'S A DOLPHIN.

I'M BRUCE LEE.

HE WAS ASKED IN AN INTERVIEW IN

'68, "WHY HAVE YOU BECOME THE

BEST MARTIAL ARTIST?"

HE SAID, "BECAUSE I HAVE TRAINED

SO HARD AND SO INTENSELY FOR SO

LONG THAT MY BODY REACTS AT THE

SPEED OF A REFLEX.

BUT A REFLEX IS NOT A NATURAL

REFLEX.

I TRAIN TO IGNITE THAT REFLEX.

SO WHAT I EXPERIENCE IN MARTIAL

ARTS IS A NATURAL NATURALNESS

ON AN UNNATURAL NATURALNESS."

AND I SAID, "WHOA.

WHAT IF I DID THAT WITH

STAND-UP?"

MY STYLE IS A COMBINATION

BETWEEN ROBIN WILLIAMS AND

CHRIS ROCK.

THOSE ARE THE TWO POLARITIES,

AND THERE'S NO LIMITS IN

BETWEEN.

AND SO EVERYTHING I DO LOOKS

LIKE IT'S IN THE MOMENT, AND IT

IS BECAUSE I'M EXPERIENCING AN

UNNATURAL NATURALNESS OR A

NATURAL UNNATURALNESS.

[ GLISSANDO PLAYS ]

>> THE STAND-UP COMEDY THAT WE

SEE TODAY ACTUALLY BEGAN IN THE

'70s WITH GUYS LIKE

RICHARD PRYOR AND GEORGE CARLIN.

NEITHER AGREED TO BE IN THIS

FILM.

NEW YORK AND LOS ANGELES WERE

THE ONLY PLACES THAT COULD

SUPPORT A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

THE '80s COMES ALONG.

CABLE TV INVADES OUR HOME, SEES

THIS STAND-UP COMEDY AS A CHEAP

SOURCE OF LABOR.

BY THE '90s, EVERY LITTLE TOWN

IN AMERICA HAS A COMEDY CLUB,

WHERE YOU COULD SEE THE COMICS

FROM TELEVISION IN YOUR

HOMETOWN.

>> AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE

WAS A MIDDLE CLASS, WHERE YOU

COULD MAKE A COUPLE HUNDRED

THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR JUST

DOING STAND-UP IN COMEDY CLUBS.

WE GOT INTO IT -- WE WENT IN

KNOWING THAT THERE WAS A GOOD

CHANCE WE WEREN'T GONNA MAKE A

LIVING.

IT DIDN'T MATTER TO US.

>> THE '80s WERE AMAZING FOR

COMEDY BECAUSE EVERYBODY WANTED

COMEDIANS.

>> THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER COMEDY

BOOM IN, LIKE, THE LATE '90s, I

WANT TO SAY.

THE STEPS WERE KIND OF LIKE, GET

AN AGENT, GET A MANAGER, GO OUT,

DO THIS, DO THE ROAD, AND

THEN...BOOM.

>> THERE WAS, AT THAT TIME,

SOMETHING CALLED THE TIGHT TEN,

WHICH WAS YOUR 10 MINUTES THAT

YOU HAD DOWN PERFECTLY THAT YOU

KNEW EVERY SYLLABLE OF -- YOU

KNEW, AND IT WAS -- AND ANYBODY

COULD WALK IN AT ANY MOMENT.

YOU MIGHT BE DISCOVERED.

YOU MIGHT GET YOUR NBC SHOW.

IT HAD HAPPENED TO JERRY, AND IT

COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

>> BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO

ME.

IN '95, I GOT A DEAL AT ABC.

AND I WENT OUT, AND THEY PICKED

UP THIS THING, AND THEY ACTUALLY

MADE IT INTO A REALLY SHITTY TV

SHOW, AND I WAS FUCKING AWFUL IN

IT.

I COULDN'T ACT.

I STOOD THERE, LIKE, "WHAT AM I

DOING HERE?"

AND I'D ONLY DONE COMEDY FOR

ABOUT 2 1/2 YEARS WHEN THE SHOW

GOT ON THE AIR, SO IT WAS

RIDICULOUS.

I WAS EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRONG

WITH THE NATURE OF ENTERTAINMENT

AT THE TIME.

PEANUT ALLERGIES?

WHEN DID THE PEANUT BECOME THE

MOST TOXIC SUBSTANCE KNOWN TO

MAN?

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO GO

ANYWHERE NEAR A SCHOOL WITH

PEANUT BUTTER?

THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU'VE

SLATHERED IT ON YOUR DICK AND

WENT SKIPPING ACROSS LIKE, "AAH!

WHICH ONE OF YOU HOT LITTLE

MOTHERFUCKERS WANTS PEANUT

BUTTER?"

I JUST DECIDED THAT I WANTED TO

JUST FOCUS ON STAND-UP.

BEEN DOING THAT EVER SINCE.

YOU KNOW, I'D GET MORE LITTLE

DEALS THAT WOULD GO NOWHERE, BUT

JUST ENOUGH TO FINANCE THE

STAND-UP.

>> THE IMPROV IS MY HOME CLUB.

WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT, WHEN I

GOT KICKED OUT OF MY APARTMENT,

I SLEPT UPSTAIRS IN THE CORNER.

>> IT'S ALL ABOUT SHOWCASING FOR

THE COMEDY STORE AND THE

LAUGH FACTORY.

>> WHAT'S A SHOWCASE?

>> SHOWCASES -- YOU GO IN.

YOU DO AN ALLOTTED AMOUNT OF

TIME, AND THE POWERS THAT BE

JUDGE YOU AND INVITE YOU BACK TO

DO MORE TIME, OR THEY PASS YOU

AND SAY, "NOW YOU'RE A PAID

REGULAR, AND YOU CAN MAKE $15 A

NIGHT."

SO, ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT, I TRY TO

DO TWO SHOWS.

I USUALLY DON'T DO SHOWS ON

SUNDAY, 'CAUSE IT'S THE LORD'S

DAY.

>> LAUGH FACTORY -- AWESOME.

IMPROV -- AWESOME.

BUT THE COMEDY STORE HAS A

CERTAIN NITTY-GRITTINESS ABOUT

IT.

IT'S NOT A SHOWCASE KIND OF

CLUB.

IT'S A BOXING GYM FOR COMICS.

>> I STARTED HERE IN

LOS ANGELES, AND I BOMBED AT

THE COMEDY STORE, I BOMBED AT

THE LAUGH FACTORY, AND THEN I

PLAYED -- I DID SHOWS MYSELF AT

A BOOKSTORE CALLED

BIG AND TALL BOOKS ON BEVERLY.

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE

COMPETING WITH THE CAPPUCCINO

MACHINE AND FIVE GUYS THAT ARE

STUDYING FOR THE BAR, THAT'S AS

TOUGH AS ANY CLUB.

[ ENGINE RUMBLING ]

>> I MOVED HERE IN 1978 TO DO

STAND-UP COMEDY.

IMPROVISATION ON 44th AND 9th.

THE COMIC STRIP ON 2nd AVENUE,

BETWEEN 77th, 78th OR WHATEVER.

AND ON 1st AVENUE, RIGHT AROUND

THE CORNER, ON LIKE 76th, WAS

CATCH A RISING STAR.

AND IF YOU COULD GET GOING,

WHERE YOU WERE IN ALL THREE

CLUBS ON A WEEKEND NIGHT -- I

WAS, WOW, I COULD DO SIX SHOWS

ON A FRIDAY OR SATURDAY.

TODAY, YOU GOT THE

COMEDY CELLAR,

STAND-UP NEW YORK, CAROLINE'S,

LIVE AT GOTHAM,

THE LAUGH FACTORY, ABOUT

15,000 ONE-NIGHTERS AT VARIOUS

BARS, COFFEE HOUSES, AND HOTEL

PLAZAS.

>> ON WEEKENDS, I'LL DO LIKE

5 OR 6 OR 7 SHOWS A NIGHT PER

NIGHT, SO EVERY WEEK IS ABOUT --

BETWEEN 14 AND 20 SHOWS IN A

WEEK.

>> THE GOOD THING AND THE BAD

THING ABOUT NEW YORK IS THAT YOU

NEVER KNOW WHAT KIND OF CROWD

IT'S GONNA BE.

IT'S GONNA BE TOURISTS.

IT'S GONNA BE LOCALS.

IT'S GONNA BE BEYOND LOCALS --

LIKE, JUST GUYS WHO ARE, LIKE,

JUST INSANE.

>> NEW YORK COMEDY -- THE

SENSIBILITY IS VERY MUCH --

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE

AUDIENCE LIKES YOU.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THE

JOKE ON YOUR HEELS.

YOU SHOULD NOT SELL IT.

>> ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY

MOMENT, AND, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO

WORK THAT INTO YOUR ACT IS

USUALLY MORE FUN THAN DENYING

IT.

>> THEY CAN HATE ME, BUT THEY

SHOULD LIKE THIS JOKE.

>> "A WOMAN ISN'T GIVING A GUY

A HAND JOB IN THE BACK."

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELL

ADDRESS IT.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE NEXT.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> I MEAN, NOT TRYING TO BE AN

ASSHOLE, BUT IF YOU AIN'T DOING

COMEDY IN NEW YORK, I REALLY AM

NOT THAT IMPRESSED BY WHAT

YOU'RE DOING.

>> THE NEW YORK PEOPLE CAN JUST

SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE AT

LEAST THEY WERE PERFORMING IN A

COMEDY VENUE, AS OPPOSED TO ME

IN A BOOKSTORE, WITH PEOPLE

GETTING THEIR CAPPUCCINO.

>> THE THING ABOUT COMEDY --

IT'S EVERYWHERE.

SO, IF YOU DON'T DO COMEDY IN

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, YOU AIN'T

SHIT.

IF YOU AIN'T KILLING IN YAKIMA,

WASHINGTON, YOU AIN'T SHIT.

IF YOU AIN'T SELLING OUT IN

HAMMOND, INDIANA, MIAMI,

NEW ORLEANS, TALLAHASSEE,

HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT, EVERY

TOWN IN TEXAS, YOU AIN'T SHIT.

>> MY NAME'S ANDY LEVETT.

I'M BRIAN REGAN'S TOUR MANAGER.

THIS IS BRIAN REGAN'S TOUR BUS

AND BRIAN COMING RIGHT OUT.

BRIAN TYPICALLY WORKS THURSDAY

TO SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER TO MAY,

AND HE'LL, LIKE, WORK A WEEK --

NOW I'M GETTING CUT OFF.

>> WHEN I FIRST WENT OUT ON THE

ROAD, I HAD BEEN OUT FOR LIKE...

>> NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> ...SEVEN MONTHS OR SOMETHING.

AND THIS GUY GOES, "MAN, I'VE

BEEN OUT ON THE ROAD FOREVER,"

THIS OTHER COMEDIAN THAT I WAS

WORKING WITH, A HEADLINER.

AND I WAS LIKE, "HE'S PROBABLY

BEEN OUT FOR LIKE 6, 7 YEARS."

I SAID, "HOW LONG YOU BEEN OUT?"

HE GOES, "THIS IS MY SECOND

WEEK STRAIGHT, YOU KNOW,

WITHOUT BEING HOME."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I'M LIKE, "I'VE BEEN OUT FOR

SEVEN MONTHS.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO

GO OUT AND NEVER GO HOME."

>> YOU CAN STAY OUT IN THE CLUBS

FOR YEARS AND MAKE A LIVING AND

DEVELOP A GREAT COCAINE HABIT.

>> I GO ON THE ROAD TO BUILD MY

FAN BASE.

SHOWCASING DOESN'T PAY THE

BILLS, AND THE ROAD DOES.

THAT'S WHY I DO IT.

THERE'S A JOKE I DO WHERE I TALK

ABOUT MEN NOT BEING ABLE TO GET

IT UP.

AND THEY'RE TAKING VIAGRA AND

CIALIS AND WHATEVER ELSE THAT'S

OUT THERE ON THE MARKET.

AND I'M TELLING THEM THERE'S

NATURAL WAYS TO GET A HARD-ON.

AND, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE,

"LIKE WHAT?

LIKE WHAT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "THERE'S STUFF YOU

CAN EAT."

AND THEY'RE, "WHAT?

STUFF YOU CAN EAT?"

"YEAH, PUSSY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHEN YOU GET TO THE POINT

WHERE YOU'RE DOING SHOWS ON THE

ROAD, PERFORMING IN A REAL SHOW,

NORMALLY, SHOWS ARE DIVIDED UP

INTO THREE ACTS.

THERE'S THE EMCEE WHO COMES OUT,

STARTS THE SHOW OFF, DOES ABOUT

10 MINUTES, BRINGS OUT THE

FEATURE ACT, WHO DOES ABOUT

20 TO 25 MINUTES.

THEN THE EMCEE COMES BACK AND

BRINGS ON THE "HEADLINER."

HE DOES AN HOUR.

[ BELL DINGS ]

[ BIRDS CALLING ]

>> HELLO. WELCOME TO THE

COMEDY CONDO AT THE

TAMPA IMPROV -- NOT ACTUALLY AT

THE TAMPA IMPROV -- KIND OF A

COUPLE BLOCKS DOWN THE STREET

INTO A PRETTY DANGEROUS

NEIGHBORHOOD.

THERE'S NO EMCEE STAYING WITH

ME.

HE ACTUALLY LIVES IN THIS

COMPLEX IN ANOTHER CONDO.

YEAH, HE'S THERE IF I NEED HIM,

IF I NEED WEED OR SOMETHING.

>> A LOT OF CLUBS, INSTEAD OF

PUTTING YOU UP IN A HOTEL ROOM,

WILL JUST BUY A CONDO AND STORE

THE COMEDIANS THERE.

AND THEY DO IT BECAUSE IT'S LESS

EXPENSIVE AND INFINITELY LESS

HYGIENIC.

>> IT WAS A ROOM, A STUDIO, AND

IT HAD NO WINDOWS.

>> THEY HAD DUCT TAPE ON THE

SHEETS.

>> I NOTICE AT THE FOOT OF THE

BED IS A GIANT, MASSIVE

BLOODSTAIN...

>> THERE'S A HOLE FROM, LIKE, A

CANNONBALL.

IT WAS A GIANT HOLE -- NOT A

BULLET HOLE.

>> ...SO BIG THAT, IF YOU PUT

CHALK MARKS FROM, LIKE, THE

PERSON, IT WOULD STILL BE INSIDE

THE BLOODSTAIN.

>> THE ROOM STUNK LIKE --

I DON'T KNOW -- CRACKHEAD SEX.

>> JOHN FOX, WHEN HE WENT TO A

CLUB AND STAYED AT THE

COMEDY CONDO, THE COMICS WERE

TOLD, "PLEASE THROW THE

MAYONNAISE AWAY FROM THE WEEK

BEFORE."

>> AND YOU WOULD TAKE THE ICE

CUBES OUT OF THE ICE TRAY AND

DUMP THEM DOWN THE SINK BECAUSE

IT WAS RUMORED THAT JOHN FOX

WOULD DEPOSIT CERTAIN BODILY

FLUIDS INTO THE MAYONNAISE OR

INTO THE ICE CUBES.

>> I MEAN, I DROVE TO COLUMBUS

LAST WEEK, AND THAT WAS SEVEN

HOURS.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE A CAR BECAUSE

NOW I'M JUST STUCK HERE DURING

THE DAY.

THIS IS WHAT LIFE ON THE ROAD IS

LIKE.

THIS PLACE IS QUIET AND SAD.

>> THE BED WAS ODD.

AND I WENT TO TURN THE MATTRESS,

AND I FOUND A WEALTH OF PORN...

NONE OF WHICH EVEN I WOULD USE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

EW. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT.

>> AND I OPEN UP THE BATHROOM

CABINET.

AND THE INSIDE -- THERE WAS THE

MOST AMAZING COLLAGE OF JUST

CUM SHOTS OF, LIKE, FROM PORNO.

LIKE, THERE WERE JUST THESE

LITTLE, CUT-OUT THINGS OF JUST

PENISES JUST SHOOTING OUT, AND

IT WAS JUST ALL THESE

DIFFERENT -- IT WAS AMAZING.

LIKE, I WISH THAT I HAD A

PICTURE OF IT, 'CAUSE QUITE --

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE

IT.

IT WAS JUST THE DEDICATION OF

SOMEBODY CUTTING IT ALL AND

PASTING IT ALL.

AND THIS IS BEFORE PHOTOSHOP.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS ACTUALLY

HAND-DONE COLLAGE WITH TAPE OR

PASTER -- I DON'T EVEN WANT TO

KNOW WHAT ADHESIVE WAS USED.

>> WELL, I MOVED BACK TO

ST. LOUIS FROM L.A. BECAUSE I

WAS FEATURING OUT OF L.A., WHICH

MIDDLING OUT OF, YOU KNOW, ON

THE ROAD IS NOT A LOT OF MONEY.

IT'S, YOU KNOW, LIKE 100 BUCKS A

SHOW.

I HATE TO ADMIT THAT.

I'M LIVING AT HOME WITH MY

PARENTS RIGHT NOW.

BUT THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU

CAN -- I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO

MIDDLES ON THE ROAD AND, LIKE,

HAS THEIR OWN PLACE AND CAN

AFFORD, YOU KNOW, TO LIVE.

>> AND I WALKED INTO THE OFFICE

OF A VERY WELL-KNOWN CLUB.

THE MANAGER IS EXTREMELY

WELL-KNOWN IN THE COMEDY

COMMUNITY, AND HE SAYS, "DO YOU

WANT TO GET PAID IN CASH OR IN

STEAKS?"

>> THIS, TO ME, WAS THE MOST

GALLING.

SOMEBODY ONCE SAID, "THAT WAS

REALLY GOOD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER BOOKING,"

LIKE HE WAS PAYING ME WITH

ANOTHER JOB.

BUT AM I GONNA GET PAID FOR THAT

ONE?

YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE, "NO,

PLEASE, JUST GIVE ME SOME

FUCKING MONEY."

>> I DID A CANCER FUNDRAISER,

AND THEY GAVE ME A STIPEND,

WHICH IS A LITTLE WEIRD WHEN

YOU'RE DOING A CHARITY, ANYWAY,

BUT SOME OF THEM ARE PAID GIGS.

AND THEN I GOT STIFFED BY THE

CANCER CHARITY, AND I WENT AFTER

THEM.

FUCK IT.

THERE WAS A CANCER IN MY BANK

ACCOUNT THAT DAY, AND I WAS

GONNA RADIATE THE SHIT OUT OF

IT.

>> I HAD TO GET THAT 50 BUCKS.

WHAT WAS IT AT THE IMPROV --

THE IMPROV -- I STILL THINK IT'S

PAYING -- WHAT -- $17.50 OR SOME

WEIRD FEE A SET.

>> WHEN I STARTED DOING COMEDY,

I GAVE MY MOM A CHECK FOR...

$5,000 FOR -- AND I SAID, "ONE

DAY, THIS IS GONNA BE A REAL

CHECK."

[ Voice breaking ] AND, UH...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> THAT'S OKAY.

GO WITH THE FEELINGS.

GO WITH THE FEELINGS.

>> SO, A COUPLE -- COUPLE YEARS

AGO, I WAS ABLE TO -- I WAS ABLE

TO GIVE HER A REAL CHECK FOR

$5,000.

AND, UM...

AND IT BOUNCED.

AND...IT FELT GREAT TO FUCK MY

MOM OVER ONE MORE TIME.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> I'M THE ONLY ONE OF MY

FRIENDS THAT I KNOW THAT REALLY

WORKS THE ROAD.

I MEAN, THEY'RE JUST DOING

5-MINUTE SETS AROUND TOWN.

>> YOU'RE WORKING OUT.

>> YEAH.

>> GETTING ROAD STRONG.

>> DOING 25 MINUTES TO, YOU

KNOW, 45 MINUTES, DEPENDING ON

IF YOU'RE HEADLINING A NIGHT,

SOMETIMES, TWICE A NIGHT --

THERE'S -- YOU CANNOT GET THAT

IN L.A.

SO YOU GROW STRONGER A LOT

QUICKER.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

WHOA, IS SOMEONE HERE?

>> HUH.

>> IS THAT FOR HERE?

>> HELLO?

>> HI.

>> HI.

>> NIKKI IN?

>> YEAH. HEY, COME ON IN.

I'M RITCH.

>> OH, HEY.

>> WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?

HI.

>> HI, ROY.

>> I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS...

>> NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

HE'S THE EMCEE THIS WEEK.

>> ROY, WHERE DID YOU START

DOING STAND-UP?

>> ROY CAME JUST TO GIVE ME POT.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> BANG.

>> HE DID.

>> I WATCH ALL THESE YOUNG

COMICS START DOING IT AND

GETTING A LAUGH, AND I GOT THE

ITCH AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

I WANT THAT LAUGH.

>> HOW DID YOU EVER STOP?

>> HOW'D I STOP?

>> I CAN'T FATHOM HOW YOU CAN

WALK AWAY FROM IT.

I NEED IT.

>> YEAH.

>> MY WIFE AND I SPLIT UP, AND

MORE THAN I NEED THAT LOVE AND

ATTENTION AND AFFECTION, I NEED

THAT STAGE.

>> YEAH.

>> MORE THAN I NEED THE POT IN

MY POCKET, I NEED THAT STAGE.

>> BAD ROAD, MAN.

YOU HAVE TO FIND OTHER WAYS TO

EXPRESS YOURSELF CREATIVELY, OR

YOU ARE FUCKED.

>> I FEEL LIKE I'M ON

"INTERVENTION."

I GET REALLY STONED BEFORE I GO

RUNNING, AND I DON'T KNOW IF

ANYONE'S EVER -- I FIND IT

REALLY MOTIVATING.

IT'S PROBABLY NOT GOOD FOR YOUR

LUNGS, BUT UP HERE, I FIND IT,

LIKE, KEEPS ME GOING 'CAUSE,

LIKE, THE WHOLE TIME, I FEEL

LIKE SOMEONE'S CHASING ME.

LIKE, I'M FREAKED OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU GUYS FOR A GREAT

SHOW.

THANK YOU!

>> WE LOVE YOU, NIKKI GLASER!

>> YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD TIME AT

THE SHOW?

>> A GREAT TIME.

>> AMAZING, HUH?

>> VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

>> EVERYONE'S SNORTING COKE AND

SMOKING POT AND DRINKING.

AND THE OWNER'S SITTING OUT

THERE WITH LONG, CURLY,

DOOBIE BROTHER HAIR AND THE

MUTTON CHOPS AND THE FU MANCHU

MUSTACHE, CHOPPING BLOW ON HIS

BARE LEG, JUST GOING...

* "EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING"

>> I NEVER WENT TO STRIP CLUBS,

AND I DIDN'T REALLY DO A LOT OF

DRUGS.

AND I DIDN'T...

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THERE WERE A LOT OF DRUGS

THAT HAPPENED IN THIS CLUB.

>> [ Laughing ] MOST COMICS, IF

THEY'RE HONEST, THEY WILL NOT BE

ABLE TO RECALL ANYTHING THAT

HAPPENED ON THE ROAD, BECAUSE

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING THE

OTHER 23 HOURS IS SMOKING POT.

>> I REMEMBER ELTON JOHN SAID,

"EVENTUALLY, PERFORMING KIND OF

GOT IN THE WAY OF EVERYTHING."

YOU'RE GOING, "OH, WELL, AS SOON

AS THE --" YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE ACT.

YOU'RE GOING, "WELL, WE'RE GOING

OUT TO --" I THINK ATLANTA

HAD A CLUB CALLED

THE DEVIL'S SPHINCTER.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

YOU GO, "WELL, IT'S 4:15.

THAT'S IT.

I'M -- NO.

THERE'S ANOTHER BAR DOWN THE

STREET WHERE PEOPLE CAN SHOOT

FLAMES OUT OF THEIR ASS."

>> I GET THIS A LOT.

I'M MISTAKEN FOR MARIO CANTONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, THESE TWO HOT GUYS AT THE

END OF THE SHOW -- REAL MUSCLES,

RIGHT?

THEY WERE LIKE, "MARIO, WE LOVE

YOU."

AND I SAID, "SO, WHAT ARE YOU

GUYS DOING, YOU KNOW, NOW?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, WE'RE

GONNA GO BACK TO THE HOTEL, YOU

KNOW, AND FUCK."

AND I SAID, "OH, MY GOD.

WOW. YOU KNOW, MARIO CANTONE'S

HORNY, TOO."

>> WEIRD TO HAVE SEX WITH

SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT

ATTACHED TO, AND THEN SOMEONE

ELSE HAS SEX WITH HER, AND YOU

DON'T MIND.

AND NOW I'M JUST -- WE'RE DONE,

AND I'M WATCHING THE CLUB OWNER

HAVE SEX WITH HER, JUST -- AND

YOU KNOW, "GOOD -- GOOD NUMBERS

TONIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HOW DO THESE GUYS GET LAID?

LIKE, IT'S ALWAYS -- THEY'RE

ALWAYS GETTING LAID AT THE END

OF THE SHOW, AND I'M ALWAYS

SITTING AT THE BAR LIKE, "CAN

SOMEONE DRIVE ME HOME?"

AND THESE GUYS HAVE SWEATPANTS.

THEY HAVE HAIR COMING OUT OF

THEIR EARS.

THE HAIR'S COMING OUT OF THEIR

NOSE.

LIKE, WHITE SHIT ON THE SIDE OF

THEIR MOUTH.

AND THEY'RE GETTING LAID BECAUSE

THEY'RE FUNNY.

AND NO ONE'S TALKING TO ME

BECAUSE I'M FUNNY, YOU KNOW?

THANK GOD I'M A LEZZIE, 'CAUSE

THE LEZZIES LIKE THE FUNNY.

[ HORSE SNORTS, WHINNIES ]

>> GOD, I MISS BEING ON THE ROAD

AND BEING IN DIFFERENT VENUES,

2,000 PEOPLE OR SOMETHING.

AND THEY'RE SO EXCITED.

THEY'D COME TO YOU BECAUSE

YOU'RE IN KANSAS CITY, AND

THEY'RE, "WOW, I GET TO SEE THE

SHOW."

AND HERE, IT'S LIKE -- THEY GO

ALONG.

THEY GO, "WELL, WE CAN'T GET

INTO 'O,' AND WE CAN'T GET

CRISS ANGEL TICKETS.

HEY, WE'LL GO SEE CARROT TOP."

A PROP IS JUST LIKE TELLING A

JOKE, SO MY SHOW IS LIKE

SHOW-AND-TELL, BUT WITH LIQUOR.

>> A STANDING VEGAS GIG IS

REALLY, REALLY TOUGH.

AND PEOPLE LOVE TO MAKE FUN OF

CARROT TOP, AND COMEDIANS LOVE

TO COME DOWN ON HIM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GUY DOES

IT.

NO WONDER HE'S VERY MUSCULAR.

>> I'VE HAD OVER -- GOD DANG --

5,000, 10,000 PROPS.

I THINK IT WAS A TOM CRUISE

JOKE -- BACK IN THE DAY, HE WAS

GETTING MARRIED, SO HE COULD

KISS HIS WIFE MAYBE OR

SOMETHING?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WANT TO --

IT AGES EVERYONE, DOESN'T IT?

THE PRESIDENTS -- LOOK AT

CLINTON WHEN HE CAME TO --

LOOK AT CLINTON -- HOW YOUNG.

LOOK WHEN HE LEFT OFFICE.

LOOK AT THAT. I KNOW.

THESE ARE REAL PICTURES.

LOOK AT BUSH.

EIGHT YEARS LATER, LOOK AT.

THIS IS OBAMA SIX MONTHS AGO.

LOOK AT HIM TODAY.

UNBELIEVABLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAD A LADY THE OTHER NIGHT

SAY, "THAT WAS THE BEST SHOW I

EVER WENT TO I DIDN'T WANT TO GO

TO."

>> I GOT THE WORST HECKLER

ANYBODY COULD EVER HAVE, WHICH

IS A DRUNKEN WOMAN.

I RELINQUISHED THE MICROPHONE TO

HER, WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT I

NEVER, EVER, EVER -- LISTEN TO

ME, COMICS -- NEVER, EVER, EVER,

EVER -- IF JESUS COMES AND TELLS

YOU TO GIVE THE MICROPHONE TO

THAT WOMAN, DON'T -- NO.

IF IT'S OPRAH, YOU DON'T GIVE

HER THE MICROPHONE.

WHEN YOU'RE ONSTAGE, IT'S YOURS.

I DID, MAN.

I SAID, "WELL, IF YOU THINK

YOU'RE FUNNY, HERE."

I GAVE IT TO HER.

SHIT, SHE WAS FUNNY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> WE USED TO WORK WHAT THEY

CALLED A CHITLIN CIRCUIT --

BLACK-OWNED, BLACK-OPERATED

NIGHTCLUBS.

TIM AND I WERE SITTING AROUND

ONE NIGHT, AND I SAID, "I GOT AN

IDEA.

IF A WHITE GUY STARTS HECKLING

YOU, I'LL STOP, AND I'LL SAY,

'HOLD IT, BUDDY.

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

HE'S MINE. GO GET YOUR OWN.

AFTER ALL, YOU KNOW HOW HARD

THEY ARE TO TRAIN.'"

AND TIM SAID, "OH, TOM."

HE SAID, "TOM, TOM."

HE SAID, "THAT'S -- THAT'S KIND

OF RACIST."

I SAID, "OH, TIM, I'M SORRY."

HE SAID, "NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, DON'T APOLOGIZE.

WE'RE TRYING TO WRITE MATERIAL.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

YOU GOT TO LET IT FLOW, BUT IT'S

A LITTLE BIT RACIST."

I SAID, "TIM, I'M SORRY."

HE SAID, "NO, NO, TOM, DON'T

APOLOGIZE TO ME.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT RACIST, BUT

THAT STORY IS KIND OF RACIST."

I SAID, "ALL RIGHT."

THAT NIGHT, WE WENT ONSTAGE AT

THE 20 GRAND, AN ALL-BLACK CLUB.

AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING, A BLACK

GUY IN THE BACK HOLLERED OUT,

"HEY, WHITE BOY, WHAT THE HELL

YOU DOING IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?"

TIM JUMPED UP.

HE SAID, "HOLD IT, BROTHER.

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

HE'S MINE. GO GET YOUR OWN.

AFTER ALL, YOU KNOW HOW HARD

THEY ARE TO TRAIN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ONE TIME, I WAS ONSTAGE, AND

I GOT HIT BY A LEMON.

>> AND SHE GOES -- RIGHT AWAY,

SHE GOES, "SHOW US YOUR DICK!"

>> I WAS BOMBING SO BAD ONE

NIGHT, THE HECKLERS WERE RAISING

THEIR HANDS.

>> IT WASN'T EVEN A "BOO."

IT WAS JUST, "BUOOU!"

IT WAS LIKE "FUCK YOU" AND "BOO"

COMBINED, LIKE, "BUOOU!"

>> AND THEN I GOT HIT BY ANOTHER

LEMON.

>> I WAS CLEAR WITH THEM THAT I

WAS NOT GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL

WITH THEM THE WHOLE SHOW.

SO IT'S GONNA BE, "EITHER I'M

GONNA LEAVE THE STAGE AND QUIT

OR Y'ALL ARE GONNA SHUT THE FUCK

UP AND WE'RE GONNA CONTINUE THE

SHOW."

SO, ONE BY ONE, THEY STARTED TO

LEAVE, BUT AS THEY LEFT, THEY

WENT TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE.

IT WAS LIKE A PROCESSION.

THEY ALL CAME UP TO THE SIDE OF

THE STAGE, GAVE ME THE FINGER,

AND WALKED OUT.

I MEAN, AND THE GIRLS WERE

THROWING THEY HIPS IN IT.

>> WE'RE NOT, LIKE, INSULT

COMEDIANS, AND THERE ARE A LOT

OF BITS WHERE WE TALK ABOUT

OURSELVES IN A WAY THAT -- WHERE

WE'RE VERY...

>> VULNERABLE.

>> ...VULNERABLE IN CERTAIN

POINTS.

AND IN ORDER FOR THAT

VULNERABILITY TO BE BELIEVABLE,

WHICH IT SHOULD BE, YOU CAN'T

DISPENSE WITH A HECKLER.

SO, YOU CAN WIN THE BATTLE OF,

LIKE, DISPENSING WITH A HECKLER

AND GETTING HIM TO LEAVE.

>> DESTROY HIM.

>> BUT THEN, LATER ON IN YOUR

ACT, IF YOU HAVE TO PAINT

YOURSELVES IN THE LIGHT OF BEING

THE VICTIMS IN ANY WAY...

>> DOESN'T WORK.

>> ...PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "I CAN'T

SEE IT."

SO IT SCREWS YOU IN LATER BITS.

>> SO IT FORCES US TO, FOR THE

MOST PART, IGNORE A HECKLER

LONGER THAN OTHER PEOPLE WOULD.

>> MOST PEOPLE WOULD JUST DEAL

WITH IT.

>> YOU JUST HOPE THAT THEY GO

AWAY.

>> WE'RE LIKE, "FORGET IT.

LET'S JUST MOVE ON."

AND SO...

>> HE STOOD UP BECAUSE HE

THOUGHT WE DIDN'T HEAR.

>>

"I SAID YOU SUCK."

AT THAT POINT, LIKE, SOMETHING

IN US SNAPPED.

>> EVERYTHING SNAPPED.

>> EVERYTHING -- THE FACT THAT

WE WERE HOME IN ST. LOUIS, THE

FACT THAT IT WAS...

>> WE HADN'T WORKED.

>> ...WE HADN'T WORKED IN...

>> 9-11.

>> 9-11. 9-11 WAS BUBBLING UP

INSIDE OF ME AT THAT POINT, AND

WE JUST --

>> WE UNLEASHED ON THIS GUY.

LIKE, WE SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE SO FUCKING DUMB.

YOU'RE LIKE A DOG THAT HAS TAKEN

A SHIT ON THE RUG, BUT HE

DOESN'T KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG

YET.

SO WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU AND

SHOW YOU WITH A LOUD VOICE..."

>> "HIT YOU WITH YOUR OWN SHIT,

YOU DUMB FUCKING DOG."

>> "YOU'RE A FUCKING BAD DOG.

YOU'RE A BAD FUCKING DOG.

YOU'RE A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER."

>> "YOU WANT ME TO PUT YOU IN

THE CAGE?"

>> "I'LL FUCKING SPANK YOUR ASS

WITH A FUCKING NEWSPAPER, YOU

BAD FUCKING DOG.

YOU'RE A BAD FUCKING DOG!"

>> "STUPID!"

>> "BAD DOG!"

>> LIKE FOR 3 MINUTES.

[ BIRDS CHIRP ]

>> I DON'T HAVE A GOOD ANSWER.

WHY WASTE SOMEONE'S TIME?

I LOVE TO TALK, BUT THERE'S SOME

OTHER COMEDIAN THAT'S GONNA BE

HERE THAT'S GONNA BE ABLE TO

EXPLAIN WHAT A CALLBACK IS LIKE

THAT.

HE'S GONNA DO IT WONDERFULLY --

>> OR SHE.

>> OF COURSE.

WHEN I SAY "COMEDIAN," I MEAN

MAN OR WOMAN.

DID I SAY "HE"?

EDIT THAT OUT.

YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU WANT TO GET INVITED TO THESE

FESTIVALS.

YOU GOT TO PAY TO GET HERE.

YOU GOT TO PAY YOUR OWN HOTEL.

YOU GOT TO PAY EVERYTHING.

AND THE COMEDIANS RUN.

>> AT A COMEDY FESTIVAL, PEOPLE

SHOW UP, AND THEY'RE IN A GOOD

MOOD, AND THEY KNOW WHAT THE

FESTIVAL IS.

AND THE FACT THAT THEY WOULD

EVEN GO TO A COMEDY FESTIVAL

MEANS THAT THEY HAVE A CERTAIN

KIND OF A VIBE.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE A THEME SHOW

FOR COMEDY NERDS.

>> I'LL GIVE ANYBODY A HUG THAT

SAYS I'M -- YOU SAID I WAS

FUNNY, RIGHT?

>> NO, I SAID YOU WERE TERRIBLE.

>> OH.

IT'S FUN BECAUSE YOU GET TO HANG

OUT WITH YOUR COMEDIAN FRIENDS,

AND THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE MORE

THAN HANGING OUT WITH COMEDIANS

AND BEING SILLY TILL 5:00 IN THE

MORNING.

WELL, HERE COMES BRENT WEINBACH.

HE'S GONNA COME OVER AND TELL US

A STORY ABOUT HOW WELL HE DID

TONIGHT.

HE DOES IT EVERY NIGHT.

OH, HEY, BRENT. WHAT'S UP?

>> YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT

THE SHOW TONIGHT, HUH?

>> OH, WHAT HAPPENED?

>> BLEW IT UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BLEW IT UP.

>> HERE'S MY -- HERE'S A

CHARACTER I CALL "THE GUY WHO

CAN'T STOP TRIPPING."

>> AND ALL MY FRIENDS WANT ME TO

BUY THEM POT NOW, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

JUST GET YOUR OWN MEDICAL

MARIJUANA LICENSE?"

AND THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THING.

THEY ALL GO, "I'M AFRAID IF I

DO, MY NAME WILL END UP ON SOME

KIND OF A LIST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, IT DOES.

IT ENDS UP ON A LIST OF PEOPLE

WHO CAN BUY FUCKING POT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> GOOD NIGHT FOR A...

>> NICE SHIRT.

WHAT'D YOU BLOW -- A RODEO

CLOWN?

>> I WANT TO GET SOME POT.

OH, YOU HAVE SOME -- I MEAN,

WHOEVER WE'RE TALKING TO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY?

DO YOU WANT TO HEADLINE?

>> NO.

>> REGIS PHILBIN IS IN THE

CROWD.

YOU DON'T WANT TO CLOSE IT,

DEFINITELY.

NO, NEITHER DO I.

>> LET BRODY CLOSE.

>> HEY, WHY NOT BRODY?

LET HIM CLOSE.

>> LET HIM DO AS MUCH TIME AS HE

WANTS.

>> YEAH, HE WOULD LOVE IT.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL LET HIM

STRETCH HIS LEGS IF HE'S COOL

WITH THAT.

>> OH, BRODY WOULD FUCKING KILL.

>> LET ME TELL HIM.

SO THAT MEANS YOU'RE ON...

>> IT'S SO FUNNY TO WATCH THREE

COMEDIANS ALL NOT WANT TO CLOSE

A SHOW.

WE TOTALLY TURNED ON HIM.

>> THAT'S WHY WE'RE MAKING HIM

CLOSE.

>> HEY, GUYS.

>> HEY, YOU'RE CLOSING.

>> DID YOU GUYS WANT TO GO DO

"THE TOMORROW SHOW"?

>> NO, WE'RE STAYING.

WE'RE GONNA WATCH YOU.

DO YOU MIND CLOSING?

>> I'LL DO IT IF YOU WANT ME TO.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> BUT YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE.

>> NO, I'M STAYING HERE TO WATCH

YOU.

>> WHY DON'T YOU JUST WATCH ME

BEFORE?

>> BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO

SOMEWHERE.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M ALWAYS AMAZED THAT MY

FRIENDS CAN TELL I'M HIGH.

ONE TIME, I SMOKED A LITTLE POT.

I GOT INTO THE CAR.

WE WERE DRIVING THROUGH SORT OF

A SHITTY NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I SAW

A BIRD.

I TURNED TO MY FRIEND.

I GO, "WHY WOULD A BIRD LIVE IN

A SHITTY NEIGHBORHOOD?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "ARE YOU

HIGH?"

I'M LIKE, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

WHAT MAKES A GOOD COMEDY SHOW IS

SO SIMPLE, BUT FOR SOME

REASON -- AND I WILL SAY THERE'S

CLUBS THAT GET IT, AND GOD BLESS

THEM.

THERE ARE CLUBS THAT GET IT.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW -- I'LL

PREFACE THAT FIRST -- THAT'S HOW

I KNOW I'M NOT CRAZY.

WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE THAT DOES

IT RIGHT, YOU GO, "OKAY, SO IT'S

DOABLE."

IF I -- IN 25 YEARS, IF I

SAID -- IF YOU SAID, "HAVE YOU

EVER SEEN A CLUB THAT DID IT

RIGHT?" AND I'D GO, "NO,"

"WELL, MAYBE, TODD, YOUR

STANDARDS ARE SO HIGH."

BUT I KNOW CLUBS THAT DO IT

RIGHT, SO IT'S FUCKING POSSIBLE.

YOU CAN DO IT RIGHT.

I'VE SEEN IT.

AND GUESS WHAT --THEY MAKE

MONEY, TOO.

OH, DO YOU WANT ANY?

IT CALMS ME DOWN.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> * WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT,

THE COMEDY PERSONA OR THE

MATERIAL? *

>> WHEN THE MATERIAL IS GOOD,

YOU CAN OVERLOOK ANYTHING.

>> YOU CAN'T JUST BE TALENTED.

YOU HAVE TO WANT IT BADLY

ENOUGH, AND YOU HAVE TO WORK

HARD AT IT.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE -- THEY GET

ON THE STAGE.

THEY WANT TO BE COMEDIANS.

THEY ARE ACTORS.

THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE A

SHORTCUT TO BECOME A COMEDIAN.

AND THOSE PEOPLE, I CAN'T --

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T FEEL THEM --

WHO THEY ARE.

>> I ALWAYS LOOK AT THE

AUDIENCE, TOO.

AND -- BUT, SOMETIMES, I'LL

DISCOUNT IT COMPLETELY BECAUSE

THIS GUY IS DOING CRAP.

YOU KNOW, HE'S DOING

RUN-OF-THE-MILL HACK MATERIAL,

BUT THE AUDIENCE IS STUPID.

>> IN ANY BUSINESS, YOU GET

PEOPLE -- THEY ARE PASSIONATE

ABOUT MONEY.

THEY ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT OTHER

STUFF.

BUT REAL COMICS -- THEY'RE

PASSIONATE MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH

TO BRING SMILE ON PEOPLE'S FACE,

AND THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT

THING FOR THEM.

>> THE AMBITION CAN CERTAINLY

OVERWHELM A COMIC.

>> THERE'S MANY TYPES OF COMEDIC

MINDS.

THERE'S THE FLAWED COMIC, OR THE

DAMAGED COMIC, WHICH IS SOMEBODY

THAT USES COMEDY AS THERAPY.

>> MY PERSONAL DEMONS RUN SO

DEEP.

I THINK IT ALL STEMS FROM HAVING

A CHILDHOOD -- LIKE, I GREW UP.

MY PARENTS WERE REALLY YOUNG

WHEN THEY HAD ME, SO I WAS

RAISED BY AN AUNT THAT WAS A

PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC.

SHE THOUGHT THERE WERE PEOPLE IN

THE WALLS.

SO YOU'D COME HOME, AND SHE'D

HAVE, LIKE, TAKEN A MALLET TO

THE DRYWALL.

AND THEN MY GRANDMOTHER HAD A

STROKE AND LOST HER SPEECH.

SHE ONLY RETAINED THE USE OF THE

WORDS "GOOD BOY," "SON OF A

BITCH," "GOD DAMN IT," AND

"COCKSUCKER."

[ Chuckling ] MY AUNT SHOT

HERSELF IN THE FACE, AND THEN MY

GRANDPARENTS DIED OF AIDS

THROUGH A BLOOD TRANSFUSION.

MY MOM DRINKS EVERY NIGHT AND

PAINTS PICTURES OF

MICHAEL BOLTON IN THE BASEMENT.

AND MY DAD'S SO CHEAP, HE TAKES

PENICILLIN FOR FISH.

>> THEN THERE'S THE CONSUMMATE

PROFESSIONAL, THE BUSINESSMAN.

THOSE ARE PEOPLE WHO

METICULOUSLY PLAN OUT THEIR ACT.

EVERY SINGLE WORD IS PLANNED

OUT.

THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE WRITING

ALL DAY LONG.

>> YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK.

>> I GUESS I MIGHT BE A REDNECK.

>> WHAT WAS THE FIRST ONE?

DO YOU REMEMBER?

>> IF YOUR MOTHER KEEPS A SPIT

CUP ON THE IRONING BOARD...

>> WOW.

>> THIS THING IS SHOW BUSINESS,

AND I ALWAYS LOVED THE SHOW.

WHEN I LOOK BACK, THE GUYS THAT

MADE IT FROM WHEN WE STARTED OUT

WERE THE GUYS THAT WORKED AT IT.

YOU HAD CERTAIN GUYS THAT WERE

OUT THERE, JUST SMOKING DOPE AND

CHASING WAITRESSES.

AND THEY WERE ENORMOUSLY

TALENTED, BUT THEY DIDN'T GO

ANYWHERE.

AND THERE'S ANOTHER WEIRD THING

WHEN YOU'RE IN THIS BUSINESS --

YOU GET USED TO PEOPLE PUTTING

THEIR HANDS IN YOUR PANTS, AND

YOU DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT OR

CHECK TO SEE WHO IT IS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I THINK EVERYBODY HAS THE

THOUGHTS COMEDIANS HAVE.

I THINK THAT THOUGHT GOES IN

THEIR HEAD, AND IT GOES OUT.

AND I THINK COMEDIANS LEARN TO

GRAB IT AND KIND OF BUFF IT AND

POLISH IT AND LOOK AT IT, AND

YOU GO BACK AND SHOW IT TO THEM.

AND THAT'S MY FAVORITE LAUGH IS

WHEN SOMEBODY GOES, "OH, MY GOD.

I'VE THOUGHT THAT."

>> AND THEN YOU HAVE SOME THAT

ARE, I WOULD SAY, THE ARTISTS OF

COMEDY.

>> YOUR STYLE CHOOSES YOU.

YOU DON'T REALLY CHOOSE IT.

IT REALLY IS SORT OF AN

EXTENSION OF YOUR PERSONALITY.

WHEN I STARTED DOING STAND-UP, I

WAS 19.

I WAS ALWAYS THE KID, THE

YOUNGEST.

THE DYNAMIC WAS ALWAYS PEOPLE

SORT OF TAKING ME UNDER THEIR

WING.

NOW I AM USUALLY TECHNICALLY OLD

ENOUGH TO BE EVERYONE'S

MOTHER -- THE OTHER COMICS,

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM.

WHEN DID GRANDMA START SHOWING

UP AT THE OUTDOOR FESTIVALS?

HOW DID -- HOW DID --

WHEN DID --

I DON'T HAVE OTHER MARKETABLE

SKILLS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO FOR

A JOB.

I'M GOING TO CONTINUE DOING IT

UNTIL THERE'S NOBODY THAT WANTS

TO COME SEE ME DO IT.

YOU GROW AND CHANGE WITH YOUR

MATERIAL.

IF I WAS STILL TALKING ABOUT

WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT AT 19,

THAT WOULD BE TRAGIC.

FIRST OFF, AS YOU KNOW --

ANYBODY WHO KNOWS ME -- I'M

GONNA KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT.

[ THUMPS ]

THOSE ARE MY TIGHTS -- RIGHT

THERE...

[ THUMPS ]

...RIGHT WHERE THEY OUGHT TO BE,

ALL THE WAY UP -- ALL THE WAY

UP.

AND UNDER THAT, A PAIR OF TALL

UNDERWEAR.

WHY?

>> YEAH!

>> WHY?

BECAUSE, AS I GET OLDER, MY

BALLS ARE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST THAT LITTLE -- JUST

THAT LITTLE BIT OF DROPPAGE.

SO, I LIKE THE

ALL-THE-WAY-UP-TIGHTS, TALL

UNDERWEAR.

I JUST WANT TO KEEP ALL MY

TROOPS IN ONE FOXHOLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DEFINITELY DO LIKE TO GET A

LAUGH BACK, BUT IT'S THAT AND,

"I THOUGHT OF THIS.

I WANT TO SAY THIS."

AND SOMETIMES, IT HAS TO DO WITH

CURRENT AFFAIRS OR WHAT'S GOING

ON IN THE NEWS, WHAT'S GOING ON

CULTURALLY.

AND I GET A NEED TO SAY

SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

SO IF I DON'T GET TO DO IT FOR

MORE THAN A WEEK, I GET KIND OF

AN UNDEFINABLE DEPRESSION.

I DON'T HAVE A BIG CLOSER.

I WISH I DID.

SO, ALL I CAN SAY IS, FROM THE

BOTTOM OF MY HEART -- THIS IS

NOT PANDERING -- THANK YOU FOR

HAVING ME.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ME AND A LOT OF MY FRIENDS

DIDN'T SEE OUR PEERS IN COMEDY

CLUBS, SO WE SAID, "WELL, LET'S

GO AND DO COMEDY WHERE OUR PEERS

ARE."

>> IT'S REALLY JUST A PLACE TO

DO COMEDY THAT ISN'T THE CLUB

AND THERE ISN'T THIS EXPECTATION

OF, "YOU NEED TO GIVE ME $30

WORTH OF A SHOW."

>> CABLE TV CREATED THAT --

LIKE, YOU KNOW, THEY CREATED

THAT, WHERE THEY'D SEE COMICS ON

TV DOING THEIR "BEST OF" ACTS,

WHERE THE JOKES ARE LIKE

BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM!

SO, THEY COME TO THE CLUBS

THINKING THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE

GONNA SEE THERE, INSTEAD OF A

COMIC JUST STRETCHING OUT AND

TRYING TO DO SOMETHING

DIFFERENT.

I WOULD LOVE TO DO IT IN A PLACE

LIKE THIS.

>> I THINK THE REASON I GET

NERVOUS HERE IS 'CAUSE, AT A

CLUB, YOU'RE HOPING THE CROWD IS

AS GOOD AS YOU ARE.

HERE, YOU'RE HOPING YOU'RE AS

GOOD AS THE AUDIENCE.

SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT CHEESY,

BUT...

>> YOU MEAN THEY'RE FUNNY?

THEY YELL AT JOKES?

>> NO, THEY GET IT.

THEY DON'T HECKLE.

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT?

NO, THEY JUST SIT, AND THEY KNOW

WHAT IT TAKES.

THEY JUST -- THEY'RE THE BEST

CROWDS IN THE WORLD.

>> I DON'T REALLY LIKE IT WHEN

COMICS MAKE FUN OF, LIKE, YOU

KNOW, MENTALLY CHALLENGED PEOPLE

OR WHATEVER.

I'M GONNA SAY THE WORD

"RETARDED" ONSTAGE TONIGHT,

ACTUALLY, BUT I DON'T -- I DON'T

LIKE --

>> HYPOCRITE.

>> YEAH.

>> I DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT

TABOOS.

ALMOST NOTHING OFFENDS ME, BUT I

DON'T REALLY LIKE FAT JOKES.

>> CAN A WHITE PERSON TALK ABOUT

THE BLACK COMMUNITY OR DIFFERENT

THINGS LIKE THAT?

AND I JUST FELT LIKE, "I'M NOT

TALKING AS A WHITE PERSON OR AS

A JEWISH PERSON -- I'M JUST

TALKING AS, LIKE, A MEMBER OF

THIS -- OF EARTHLINGS."

>> WHAT ARE MY TABOOS?

DOING WELL WITH CROWDS -- I

DON'T LIKE THAT.

>> NO TABOOS.

THE CHALLENGE IS TO MAKE THE

WORST, MOST HORRIFIC THING

FUNNY.

>> I DID A LOT OF HOLOCAUST

MATERIAL WHEN I --

"HOLOCAUST?!" -- MATERIAL WHEN I

FIRST STARTED.

AND A GUY WAS A WRITER.

HE PASSED AWAY.

HE WAS SO UPSET.

AND HE CALLED ME AT HOME.

HE WAS SO UPSET.

AND HE WAS ARGUING WITH ME THAT

I WAS, LIKE, BY -- THE WHOLE BIT

WAS ABOUT HOW I SEE A TRAIN.

IT SAYS "BALTIMORE."

YEAH, "BALTIMORE-STUTTGART."

THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING, RIGHT?

AND HE WAS SAYING IT MADE US --

IT WAS, LIKE, TRIVIALIZING THE

HOLOCAUST.

BUT I DIDN'T THINK I WAS, BUT IT

DID KIND OF MAKE ME THINK THAT,

ARE YOU GETTING THE LAUGH 'CAUSE

YOU'RE SHOCKING, OR ARE YOU

GETTING THE LAUGH BECAUSE IT'S

FUNNY?

>> TO MAKE THE SACRED AND THE

PROFANE, LIKE, TOTALLY LINE

UP -- THAT TAKES A BIG PIPE WITH

A LOT OF THOUGHT -- A LOT OF

THOUGHT.

>> IF YOU CAN BE FUNNIER THAN IT

IS HEARTBREAKING AND IT'S REALLY

HEARTBREAKING, THEN THOSE ARE

THE BEST JOKES, REALLY.

I WAS RAPED BY A DOCTOR, WHICH

IS, UM...YOU KNOW, SO

BITTERSWEET FOR A JEWISH GIRL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THERE'S DIRTY STUFF.

THERE'S RAUNCHY STUFF.

THERE'S CLEAN STUFF.

THERE'S QUIRKY STUFF.

I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE TO DO THIS

STUFF, YOU KNOW?

AND IT WORKS FOR ME.

>> SO, REALLY IRREVERENT TOPICS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE SEX JOKES -- I

HAD THEM, BUT I ALSO FOUND THAT

I LIKED DOING JOKES ABOUT THE

REALLY MUNDANE.

SO, LIKE, IF YOU'RE DOING AN

ORAL-SEX JOKE, IT'S HARD TO THEN

TALK ABOUT BACON OR HOTEL POOLS.

I WAS LOOKING AT A BOX OF

HOT POCKETS.

THEY HAVE A WARNING PRINTED ON

THE SIDE.

IT'S LIKE, "WARNING!

YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HOPE YOU'RE DRUNK OR HEADING

HOME TO A TRAILER.

YOU HILLBILLY, ENJOY THE NEXT

NASCAR EVENT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

* HOT POCKETS

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> IF THE PERFORMANCE OF THE

JOKE IS FUNNY ENOUGH, PEOPLE

WOULD WANT TO SEE THAT AGAIN,

RIGHT?

>> IT DEPENDS ON HOW LONG AGO.

IF THEY SAW IT LIKE A WEEK AGO,

THEN YOU'RE -- THEN YOU SEE TOO

MUCH COMEDY.

OVERALL, IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO

HAVE NEW STUFF, 'CAUSE NO ONE

CAN COMPLAIN IF YOU HAVE NEW

STUFF.

>> YOU CAN'T.

IT'S ALL -- IT'S BASED ON THE

SURPRISE.

THAT'S WHAT DRIVES COMICS NUTS

IS THE CONSTANT DEMAND FOR NEW

MATERIAL, WHETHER IT'S A FACIAL

EXPRESSION OR A PHYSICAL MOVE,

SOME SORT OF NEW THING.

>> I DISAGREE.

IT'S LIKE MUSIC, THOUGH, RIGHT?

LIKE, YOU LIKE TO HEAR THE SAME

SONGS OVER, RIGHT?

>> THAT'S DIFFERENT.

>> IT'S NOT DIFFERENT, BECAUSE

SOMETIMES THERE'S SOMETHING THAT

SOMEBODY DOES THAT GOES BEYOND

WORDS, AND IT GOES BEYOND THE

BRAIN THING AND MORE -- IT IS

ALMOST LIKE EXPERIENCING MUSIC.

>> YOU HEAR A SONG, AND

THEY'RE LIKE -- FOR THE FIRST

TIME -- AND YOU GO, "I WANT TO

HEAR IT AGAIN.

I WANT TO HEAR IT AGAIN."

IF YOU TELL SOMEBODY A JOKE,

THEY DON'T GO, "TELL ME THAT

JOKE AGAIN."

>> I LOVE LATE-NIGHT ADS.

THEY SEEM TO THINK THAT

EVERYBODY UP IS DUMB AND JUST

READY TO JUST TAKE WHATEVER

THEY'RE HANDING YOU.

THEY'RE TRYING TO SELL A THING

YOU PLUG INTO THE WALL, AND IT

KEEPS BUGS OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

ELECTRONICALLY.

AND THE VOICEOVER GUY GOES, "ARE

YOU TIRED OF EXTERMINATORS

COMING INTO YOUR HOUSE, SPRAYING

POISON AROUND YOUR CHILDREN AND

FOOD?"

THEY'RE FUCKING JUST TALKING.

LIKE, THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAPPEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FUCKING -- THEY JUST COME IN

HERE.

"IS THAT YOUR BABY?"

PSHHH!

"SORRY.

WE GOT TO GET RID OF THE BUGS.

YEAH, WE USED TO TRY TO SPRAY

AROUND SHIT, BUT IT'S -- YOU

KNOW, IT'S COSTLY."

PSHHH!

"IT'S ALL WE CAN DO."

RIGHT IN THE BABY'S FACE, YEAH.

>> I GOT TO DO IT AGAIN.

I GOT TO DO IT AGAIN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I COMPARE

STAND-UP COMEDY TO?

>> NO.

>> SURFING, BECAUSE YOU CAN FALL

AND GET BACK UP OUT OF THE WATER

AND GO BACK AND TRY AGAIN, GET

BACK IN THE WATER AND TRY AGAIN,

BUT THAT ONE TUBE, WHEN YOU

CATCH IT, YOU GOT IT AND YOU'RE

IN THAT TUBE.

LAUGH.

LAUGH.

LAUGH.

THAT'S THE WAVE CRASHING BEHIND

YOU IN THAT CIRCLE.

LAUGH.

LAUGH.

LAUGH.

NOW, LAUGH.

NOW, GOOD NIGHT.

>> I'M ON SEPULVEDA BOULEVARD,

AT A KNUCKLEHEAD BAR.

YOU KNOW, I WATCHED ALL THESE

GUYS THE LAST FEW MONTHS DOING

THIS FOR THE DOCUMENTARY --

THE COMEDY CELLAR, YOU KNOW,

THE LAUGH FACTORY,

THE COMEDY & MAGIC CLUB -- ALL

THESE PLACES.

AND I'M LIKE A GUY THAT'S

SITTING IN DODGER STADIUM

WATCHING A BALLGAME, GOING,

"HEY, I USED TO PLAY

LITTLE LEAGUE.

I'D LIKE TO GET OUT THERE RIGHT

NOW, TOO."

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THE

MIRACLES -- YOU KNOW, CHRIST AND

THE MIRACLES.

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT, "WHAT ABOUT

THE LOAF OF BREAD AND THE FISH?

HOW ABOUT IF THE CROWD HAD JUST

EATEN?

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THE MIRACLE

WAS."

THIS IS GONNA BOMB SO BADLY.

I-I -- IT'S --

THERE'S NOT EVEN -- LOOK AT

THIS.

OY!

IT'S NOTHING LIKE RIDING A BIKE.

IT'S NOTHING LIKE IT.

I MEAN, MY MUSCLES ARE SO WEAK

AND FLABBY.

STAND-UP -- I'LL GET ONE BIT,

AND THEN I CAN'T REMEMBER

ANOTHER BIT.

AND WHEN YOU'RE SMOKING, WHEN

YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT, AND

YOU'RE IN SHAPE, IT'S LIKE

YOU'RE FOUR BITS AHEAD, AND

YOU'RE WORKING ON MULTILEVELS,

AND YOU CAN SHIFT GEARS TO THIS

BIT OVER THAT BIT, THEN GO IN A

WHOLE NOTHER STREAM.

I'M UP THERE, GOING, "UH, UH."

I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER THE BIT.

HOW MUCH TIME?

WE HAVE 5 MINUTES -- 5 MINUTES.

AND BELIEVE ME, THAT'S MORE THAN

ENOUGH TIME TO -- TO DIE.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> I WALK IN THERE, AND IT'S

COSBY.

HE'S LIGHTING A CIGAR.

HE SAID, "THE PAPER."

I SAID, "WHAT?"

"YOU GOT TO WRITE ON THE PAPER.

YOU GOT TO PUT YOUR IDEAS ON THE

PAPER."

>> I HAVE TWO PARTS OF MY

NOTEBOOK.

I HAVE THE "IDEAS AND JOKES"

PART, AND THEN I HAVE ALL THE

DIFFERENT SETS I DO -- YOU KNOW,

20-MINUTE SET, THE 10-MINUTE

SET, YOU KNOW, LITTLE ARROWS

WHERE I ADDED THIS THING IN, A

TAG LINE I THOUGHT OF ONSTAGE.

>> I TAKE USUALLY THE CONCEPT,

AND I BRING IT ONSTAGE, AND

HOPEFULLY, LIKE, BY THE END OF

THE WEEK, I GOT IT TO JOKE FORM.

BUT I'VE DONE BOTH, WHERE I JUST

SIT THERE -- LIKE, SIT, YOU

KNOW, WRITING AWAY ON A PAD,

HATING MYSELF.

AND THAT'S USUALLY WHAT WRITING

COMEDY IS.

YOU JUST SIT THERE.

YOU START WRITING, AND THEN YOU

START THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU

WANT TO EAT.

THEN YOU START THINKING ABOUT

OTHER STUFF YOU WANT TO DO.

AND THEN, AT THE END, IT'S ALL

JUST DOODLES, FOR SOME REASON.

>> I'VE ACTUALLY GOT 'EM TYPED

UP.

30 YEARS AGO, I HAD THEM ON

MATCHBOOK COVERS AND COCKTAIL

NAPKINS.

SO, I MAY NOT BE FUNNIER, BUT

I'M MORE ORGANIZED.

I GET ON FACEBOOK.

I READ COMICS WHO SAY, "I JUST

ROCKED THE HOUSE AT THE

PASADENA ICE HOUSE."

YOU KNOW, THEY GIVE REVIEWS OF

THEMSELVES.

"I JUST ROCKED THE HOUSE."

LIQUID ZOO BAR ON SEPULVEDA.

REALLY?

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ SIGHS ]

TVs ARE STILL ON, 'CAUSE YOU

NEED MORE DISTRACTIONS.

>> I AM JOHN LENNON.

I AM THE BEATLES.

I AM...

>> I JUST FORGOT HOW MUCH I HATE

UNFUNNY AMATEUR COMEDIANS...

ALL RUNNING AROUND, LIKE THEY

GOT SOMETHING GOING ON, RUNNING

FROM ONE STUPID LITTLE FUCKING

BAR TO THE OTHER ONE.

>> THE NEXT COMIC TO OUR

STAGE...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ALL RIGHT, I GOT BUMPED.

I GOT BUMPED.

I GOT BUMPED AT THE LIQUID ZOO,

SO THROW THAT HUMILIATION ON TOP

OF EVERYTHING.

>> I DID A SHOW IN A GONDOLA --

YEAH, A SKI GONDOLA, TO THESE

SKIERS THAT ARE SITTING IN

THERE, TRAPPED WITH YOU.

>> I PLAYED THE APOLLO THEATER

IN 1974 AS THE MIDDLE ACT

BETWEEN THE TEMPTATIONS AND

THE SPINNERS.

I GOT RUN OFF THE STAGE THREE

TIMES.

>> I WAS WORKING FOR GANGSTERS,

WHICH I DIDN'T REALIZE IT UNTIL

I ARRIVED.

>> I SAID, "WHAT IS THIS -- A

WHITE SUPREMACIST GROUP IN HERE

TONIGHT?"

AND THEY SAID, "YEP!"

>> THE WHOLE TOWN IS A MINING

TOWN OF LIKE 18- TO 22- TO

25-YEAR-OLD TRUCKERS.

AND I'M DOING MY SET.

AND THE GUY IS LIKE, "YEAH, I'D

SURE LIKE TO FUCK YOU IN THE

ASS!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WOW, YOU GUYS

REALLY HAVEN'T SEEN VAGINAS IN

A LONG TIME," YOU KNOW?

>> "ALL RIGHT, NOW, BEFORE WE

BRING ON OUR ENTERTAINER, AS YOU

KNOW, LAST WEEK, YOUNG

DANNY McFADDEN WAS SHOT AND

KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY."

I TURN TO THE TROOPER AND I

SAID, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

AND THE TROOPER SAID, "WE'RE

GONNA HAVE A LITTLE MEMORIAL

SERVICE NOW."

AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'M A

COMIC."

AND HE SAID, "Shh."

>> [ LAUGHING ]

>> NOW, THEY BRING ON THE GUY'S

PARTNER, WHO COLLAPSES.

CAN'T CONTINUE.

THEY BRING UP THE FAMILY TO

ACCEPT A FOUNDATION CHECK OR

SOMETHING, AND...

GOD BLESS HER, A WOMAN WITH

CHILDREN -- AND SHE FAINTS.

THEY HAVE TO REVIVE HER WITH

SALTS AND CART HER OUT ON A

BIER.

THEY UNFURLED A PORTRAIT OF THE

GUY NEXT TO AN AMERICAN FLAG THE

LENGTH OF THE ARCH.

EVERYONE STANDS AND SINGS A

HYMN.

AND THEN, AS IF IT HAD BEEN

SCRIPTED, THE GUY SAYS, "AND

NOW, HERE TO MAKE YOU LAUGH..."

AND HERE'S THE FUNNY THING ABOUT

US -- ABOUT COMICS.

WHEREVER WE ARE -- HERE, I'M ON

THE ROAD.

I'M ALONE.

IT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND, OR IT

WOULDN'T HAVE ENTERED YOURS, TO

NOT GO UP.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

RITCH SHYDNER, EVERYBODY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> OH, THANK YOU!

>> RITCH SHYDNER.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, BILLY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S MY FIRST TIME HERE AT THE

LIQUID ZOO, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO

COME BACK HERE TO SEPULVEDA IN

VAN NUYS AND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...CONTINUE MOVING DOWN THE

SCALE.

I LOVE JESUS.

I THINK HE WAS A GREAT PROPHET

AND ALL, BUT THE MIRACLES I HAVE

A HARD TIME WITH.

FEEDING THE MULTITUDES WITH A

LOAF AND A FISH?

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT

MAYBE THE MULTITUDE HAD JUST

EATEN AND THAT'S WHY HE COULD DO

IT?

THEY HAD A BIG MEAL, AND JESUS

COMES WITH A LOAF AND A FISH,

AND HE'S LIKE, "A LITTLE BIT OF

FISH."

LIKE, "JESUS, I'M FULL.

I JUST HAD HALF A ROASTED GOAT.

SAVE THE FOOD FOR LATER."

AND JESUS WALKED AROUND, AND

NOBODY WAS HUNGRY, ENDED UP WITH

A LOAF AND A FISH.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, THESE ARE JUST

THOUGHTS.

THAT'S ALL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T QUALIFY THEM AS JOKES

UNTIL THEY GET A LAUGH.

THAT'S ALL -- THEY'RE JUST

THOUGHTS.

I LOVE ALL THE DISTRACTIONS IN

THIS BAR.

I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S LIKE, YOU'RE RIGHT ON THE

STREET.

THE TVs ARE STILL ON.

IT'S A COMEDY CLUB, BUT THE

COMIC'S IN THE BACK, TALKING.

THEN THEY COME OVER HERE AND

TALK LOUDER THAN THE MIKE.

YOU GOT ALL THE TVs ON, AND THE

TVs ARE NOT ONLY ON, THEY GOT

THE SUBTITLES ON SO YOU CAN

ACTUALLY FOLLOW THE SHOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WE DON'T WANT TO DENY YOU

EVERYTHING."

[ POOL BALLS CLACK ]

GUYS COME IN, NOW THEY'RE

PLAYING POOL.

IT'S PERFECT!

IT'S PERFECT.

DON'T SHUT ANYTHING DOWN WHILE

YOU'RE DOING A COMEDY SHOW.

"STEAMED FRESH COMEDY NIGHTS."

WHAT DOES "STEAMED FRESH" HAVE

TO DO WITH A HEINEKEN BEER?

>> THEY'RE MY SPONSOR!

>> THEY'RE YOUR SPONSOR.

BILLY, YOU REALLY THINK THEY'RE

AWARE OF YOUR ACTIVITIES?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU THINK AT HEINEKEN

HEADQUARTERS, THEY'RE LIKE, "I

WONDER HOW BILLY BATZ IS DOING

DOWN THERE -- ONE OF OUR KEY

CONSTITUENTS?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVEN'T SEEN A FUCKING

HEINEKEN SOLD IN THIS PLACE.

NOTHING BUT CORONA AND SHOTS.

THIS HAS BEEN DEFINITELY A START

OF MY COMEBACK AND MAYBE THE END

OF IT, TOO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> RITCH SHYDNER, EVERYBODY.

>> THANK YOU, FOLKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND I LIKE YOU, TOO.

>> I REMEMBER SEEING YOU WAY

BACK.

>> SEEN ME WAY BACK.

THAT'S WHEN IT WAS -- WAY BACK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT.

>> HOW'D IT FEEL, MAN?

>> OH, IT FELT GREAT.

IT FELT GREAT.

YEAH, THE RIFF.

BECAUSE THE RIFF'S ALL THAT

MATTERED.

IT FELT GREAT.

IT FELT GREAT.

I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE EVERYTHING,

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GET BACK INTO

DOING IT, AND YOU'RE GETTING

THOSE LAUGHS, SOMETHING JUST

COMES OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD,

AND YOU START PLAYING WITH THE

ROOM, AND THEY'RE LAUGHING.

AND THEN SOME OF THE JOKES THAT

ACTUALLY WORKED.

AND I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO COME

DOWN HERE TONIGHT.

I WAS HOPING AGAINST HOPE YOU

WOULD CALL ME UP AND GO, "I

CAN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT,"

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW, "ELECTRIC CAR DIDN'T

CHARGE," WHATEVER WAS YOUR

THING.

AND NOW I'M GONNA WORK ON IT

BECAUSE I REALLY DO WANT TO DO

STAND-UP AGAIN.

WHOO!

>> BACK IN THE DAY...

>> WHAT?

BACK IN THE DAY, I'D HAVE TO

HAVE A DRINK, I'D HAVE TO DO

SOME BLOW, HAVE TO HIT ON WOMEN,

HAVE TO KEEP THIS HIGH GOING.

COMING DOWN FROM THE HIGH RIGHT

NOW IS THE HARDEST THING.

IT'S LIKE JUST SETTLING DOWN,

AND I'M NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THAT

RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, I AM --

I AM REVVED UP.

I CAN FEEL IT UP MY SPINE.

I'M REVVED.

>> WHEN YOU STARTED RIFFING, YOU

WERE RITCH SHYDNER, MAN.

YOU WERE IN YOUR ELEMENT.

>> YEAH, I FELT IT.

I FELT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH I

MISSED THIS, MAN.

I REALLY DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH

I MISSED THIS.

I MEAN, IT FELT LIKE A CLOUD

JUST, LIKE --

THE CLOUDS THAT WERE OVER MY

HEAD -- GONE.

GONE.

I MEAN, I HAD TO GO ON

ANTIDEPRESSANTS TO MAKE UP FOR

NOT DOING STAND-UP.

I'D BET YOU MONEY I'M OFF

ANTIDEPRESSANTS IN A MONTH IF I

JUST START DOING STAND-UP AGAIN.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

I WAS VERY HAPPY.

>> I WAS ONSTAGE ONE TIME IN A

COMEDY CLUB.

DOING PRETTY WELL.

THOUGHT I HAD THE CROWD.

GUY IN THE FRONT, HEAVY-SET GUY,

LAUGHING.

THEY PUT A CHEESEBURGER IN FRONT

OF HIM.

THAT CHEESEBURGER INSTANTLY

BECAME THE HEADLINER.

>> [ LAUGHING ]

>> THE GUY'S EYES JUST ROLLED

BACK IN HIS HEAD, AND HE JUST

STARTED ENJOYING THIS

CHEESEBURGER MORE THAN ANYBODY

COULD ENJOY ANY WORK OF ART.

HE JUST --

HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME.

I'M LIKE THAT FAR AWAY.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME.

HE JUST ENJOYED HIS CHEESEBURGER

TILL IT WAS ALL DONE.

THEN HE PUSHED HIS PLATE, AND

THEN IT WAS LIKE, "BACK TO YOU."

>> THERE'S CERTAIN ROOMS THAT

ARE IDEAL, AND THEY'RE CLOSED

IN.

THEY'RE USUALLY RED AND THEY'RE

ROUND.

>> IN THE BOOM IN THE '80s OF

COMEDY CLUBS, ALL THESE

ENTREPRENEURS WERE PUTTING

TOGETHER THESE ROOMS WITH THESE

HIGH CEILINGS AND "HEY, LOOK AT

THIS GREAT COMEDY ROOM!"

IT'S LIKE, "YOU DUMMY.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A LITTLE

BOX, LIKE THIS, WITH A LOW

CEILING.

THE LAUGHS DON'T -- WHOO! -- GO

UP IN THE AIR.

SUPPOSED TO BE LOW, LOW

CEILING.

>> BEWARE OF A BLUE ROOM.

>> A BLUE ROOM?

>> BEWARE OF A BLUE ROOM.

>> WHY IS THAT?

>> THINK OF ALL OF THE

CONNOTATIONS OF BLUE -- BLACK

AND BLUE, "I'M BLUE," BLUE

MONDAY.

BOY, IT'S BEEN SO ASSOCIATED

WITH BLUE --

AND IF YOU'RE DEAD, YOU TURN

BLUE.

WELL, I'VE TURNED BLUE IN A

COUPLE OF THOSE BLUE ROOMS.

>> [ LAUGHING ]

>> IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY TIMES

THEY FUCK IT UP!

AND IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

IT'S LIKE, GO TO SEE A MOVIE.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO IF YOU OPEN

UP A CLUB.

GO SEE A MOVIE, RIGHT?

SEE HOW THERE'S FOUR WALLS AND

NOTHING GOING ON IN THERE?

COPY THAT!

WHEN THE DOCUMENTARY SAID, "HEY,

WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU AN EMPTY

ROOM --"

BY THE WAY, I SHOULD POINT THIS

OUT -- AND DO NOT EDIT THIS

OUT -- WE'RE NOT --

THEY SAID, "YOU CAN HAVE ONE

NIGHT WHERE YOU DO WHATEVER YOU

WANT."

BUT WATCH -- THE THINGS THAT ARE

GONNA MAKE THIS A GREAT NIGHT,

YOU'RE GONNA SEE, ARE LITTLE

THINGS.

>> FOUR COCKTAIL TABLES, AND PUT

THEM IN THE FIRST ROW WITH SOME

CANDLES ON THEM.

JUST BECAUSE LIGHTING GOES UP TO

10 ON THE BOARD, IT DOESN'T MEAN

YOU PUT IT UP TO 10.

JUST ENOUGH TO SEE THE

PERFORMER.

IF SOMEONE SAID, "HEY, WHY DON'T

YOU HAVE SOME CANDLES, AND

SOMEONE SAID, "YOU KNOW, CANDLES

ARE $1,500," I'D GO, "OH.

NO, THEY'RE A DOLLAR!"

YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT.

THAT'S NOT ANNOYING, RIGHT?

YOU'RE PICKY IF THAT BOTHERS

YOU, RIGHT?

LIGHT, DARK, LIGHT, DARK, LIGHT,

DARK.

AND YOU MIGHT THINK, "IS THE

AUDIENCE GONNA FUCKING NOTICE

THIS?"

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YES. INDIRECTLY, THEY DO.

>> EVERY GENERATION HAS A

BENCHMARK -- A PLACE WHERE YOU

HAVE THAT COMEDY SEAL OF

APPROVAL.

SO, IN THE LATE '60s, ALL

THROUGH THE '70s AND EARLY '80s,

JOHNNY CARSON STILL MADE

CAREERS.

>> IN MY FINEST MOMENT AS A

STAND-UP -- NOBODY ELSE WOULD

EVER KNOW -- BUT IT WAS THE

FIRST TIME I DID "JOHNNY."

AND THEY TOLD ME, "YOU HAD SIX

MINUTES.

AND WE DON'T WANT YOU DOING

6 MINUTES AND 20 SECONDS, AND WE

DON'T WANT YOU DOING

5 MINUTES AND 40 SECONDS.

WE WANT YOU TO DO 6 MINUTES."

>> MY NIRVANA MOMENT WAS

DEFINITELY "THE TONIGHT SHOW."

>> YOU DON'T MEET JOHNNY

BEFOREHAND.

THE CURTAIN OPENS UP, YOU WALK

OUT, YOU LOOK OVER, AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, IT'S JOHNNY.

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S JOHNNY."

THERE'S THE GOLD STAR.

GO OUT THERE, STAND ON THE STAR,

SMILE, AND I TELL MY FIRST TWO

JOKES.

I TELL JOKE NUMBER THREE, AND

NOT ONLY DO THEY LAUGH, IT GETS

AN APPLAUSE BREAK, WHICH NEVER

HAPPENS IN A COMEDY CLUB.

NOW, I'M SMILING 'CAUSE THEY'RE

APPLAUDING.

I'M HAPPY THAT THEY'RE

APPLAUDING.

BUT IN MY MIND, THIS HAS MESSED

UP MY SIX MINUTES.

I HAD NOT TIMED FOR AN APPLAUSE

BREAK.

AND SO EVEN THOUGH I'M SMILING

AND I'M STARTING TO GO INTO JOKE

NUMBER FOUR, MY MIND IS THREE

MINUTES AHEAD OF MYSELF, GOING,

"OKAY, THREE MINUTES FROM NOW,

YOU HAVE FOUR JOKES ABOUT YOUR

DAD.

OUT OF THE FOUR, THE SECOND ONE

IS PROBABLY THE WEAKEST.

CUT THAT JOKE."

>> MAYBE A MINUTE INTO IT, IT

WAS LIKE, "HEH HEH, HEH HEH."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO.

I GOT TO --"

IT'S LIKE, ALL THOSE NERVES.

AND THEN I GOT A REALLY BIG

LAUGH, AND IT WAS JUST THE

GREATEST --

IT WAS THE GREATEST THING I'D

EVER FELT IN MY LIFE.

THE GREATEST THING, FROM HAVING

CHILDREN -- EVEN GREATER THAN

ANY OF THAT...

WHICH IS ANOTHER BAD THING TO

SAY.

>> IF JOHNNY DIDN'T LIKE YOU,

JOHNNY WOULD JUST CLAP.

IF JOHNNY LIKED YOU, HE GAVE YOU

THE BIG OKAY SIGN.

AND IF HE REALLY LIKED YOU, HE'D

WAVE YOU OVER.

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN OUT THERE DOING

THIS EVERY NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE...

500 SHOWS A YEAR -- AND YOU'RE

SCARED TO LOOK, 'CAUSE IT'S LIKE

CAESAR SAYING YOU LIVE OR YOU

DIE.

AND I LOOK OVER, AND HE'S WAVING

ME OVER THERE.

AND IT'S LIKE YOUR EYES JUST

FILL UP.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOSH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS."

>> WHEN I'M WATCHING THE

COMEDIAN PERFORM, THERE'S ONE

EYE ON LETTERMAN, ONE EYE ON THE

COMEDIAN.

I KNOW WHAT THE COMEDIAN'S GONNA

DO.

I WANT HIM TO LAUGH.

THAT'S MY JOB.

ANDY KINDLER IS ONE OF THE FIRST

PEOPLE I BOOKED.

I KNEW THAT DAVE WOULD LIKE HIM,

AND, OF COURSE, HE WENT ON,

CRUSHED AND LET HIM IN THE DOOR,

AND ANDY'S A VERY INTEGRAL PART

OF THE SHOW NOW.

>> REGULAR ON THE

"DAVID LETTERMAN" PROGRAM, THE

ULTIMATE COMIC'S COMIC, CAN WE

GET A BIG HAND FOR A VERY FUNNY

MAN?

LET'S HEAR IT FOR

MR. ANDY KINDLER.

COME ON!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THANK YOU, FRAZER.

KEEP IT GOING FOR FRAZER SMITH,

FOLKS, NOW, COME ON.

I'M BIG INTO ENERGY DRINKS.

THEY HAVE THEM NOW IN SMALLER

BOTTLES.

THIS IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT

ENERGY WITHOUT ALL THE ANNOYING

HYDRATION.

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT

DOCUMENTARY.

THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO SEE.

>> YOU CAN'T JUST BE A STAND-UP

AT YOUR HOUSE, SWIMMING IN YOUR

POOL, AND THEN GO DO YOUR GIG.

YOU GOT TO WORK OUT.

YOU GOT TO GET ON STAGE.

YOU GOT TO KEEP IT HONED.

>> BARACK OBAMA IS ONLY ONE YEAR

OLDER THAN ME.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW

DISAPPOINTING THAT IS TO MY

MOTHER?

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY DAY, WHEN HE GIVES THE

BARACK OBAMA SPEECH -- "OH,

LOOK!

LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD!

THERE HE IS AGAIN.

HOW THE JOKES COMING?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY CONTEMPT FOR

THE ROOM?

>> NO. NOT AT ALL.

I JUST HOPE I CAN BE UP TO IT.

THAT'S MY NERVOUSNESS.

YOU KNOW, ALWAYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THIS WEEK, I MADE A KILLING

IN REAL ESTATE.

I STRANGLED A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

ON MY FRONT PORCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ONE OF THE PIONEERS OF

GREAT...

>> [ Laughing ] A PIONEER!

>> ...RITCH SHYDNER.

>> PIONEER!

THAT'S SO FUNNY.

COVERED-WAGON COMEDY.

[ IMITATES WHIP CRACKING ]

[ HOWLING ]

YES, ONE OF THE PIONEERS OF

STAND-UP COMEDY.

BACK IN MY DAY, WE HAD

STEAM-DRIVEN MICROPHONES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WOOD-BURNING LIGHTS.

WE'D PUT A BONFIRE AND HOPE THAT

PEOPLE WOULD COME AROUND AND

WATCH THE SHOW.

WHY, YOU HAD TO SLAUGHTER SMALL

ANIMALS TO GET A LAUGH

SOMETIMES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WATCH THAT SHOW "MAD MEN."

IT MAKES ME NUTS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE DRINKING IN

THEIR OFFICE AND SMOKING.

THEY SMOKE CIGARS.

YOU GET ON THE ELEVATOR AND

THEY'RE SMOKING.

THEY'RE DRINKING ALL THE TIME.

JESUS!

I CAN'T DRINK AT ALL ANYMORE.

THAT'S JUST ME.

YOU FOLKS HAVE A GOOD TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST -- JUST ME.

LITTLE HINT FROM ME TO YOU --

IT'S TIME TO QUIT DRINKING WHEN

YOU WAKE UP DRIVING YOUR CAR

WITH PEOPLE IN IT YOU DON'T

KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

KIDS.

I CAUGHT MY 14-YEAR-OLD SMOKING

POT.

SHE GOES, "IT'S JUST POT."

BUT IT'S POT.

IT'S NOT EVEN THE POT THAT WE

USED TO SMOKE.

THE POT THAT I SMOKED 30 YEARS

AGO, THIS STUFF WAS LIKE STUFF

THE MEXICANS COULDN'T SELL EACH

OTHER.

THEY JUST SENT NORTH.

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, THAT'S ABOUT

IT FOR ME.

THANKS SO MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THEY WERE GREAT PREMISES.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU'RE BAILING ON THE

PREMISE.

>> I DON'T HAVE IT THOUGHT OUT

YET, YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE, YOU --

I DIDN'T WANT TO HANG TOO LONG

WITH IT WHEN I KNOW I DIDN'T

HAVE A PUNCH LINE FOR IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> THE PIONEER SHIT IS ACTUALLY

FUNNY.

THAT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS.

>> FUCK CNN.

TELEMUNDO!

'CAUSE YOU ONLY HEAR A LITTLE

BIT OF ENGLISH.

THEY GET RIGHT TO THE SHIT.

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

...O.J. SIMPSON...

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...LET THE NIGGER GO.

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...FUCKING WITH THOSE WHITE

GIRLS.

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...NIGGERS NEVER LEARN.

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...INCLUDING KOBE BRYANT AND

TOMMY DAVIDSON.

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...PRESIDENT CLINTON.

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...MUCHO PUSSY ON THE SIDE...

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

I GUESS WHEN IT COMES TO WHITE

POLITICIANS, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...LINDSAY LOHAN.

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

...STUPID-ASS WHITE BITCH...

[ SPANISH CONTINUES ]

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH

CHRIS BROWN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOOD NIGHT.

>> EVERYBODY THINKS IT'S THE

MATERIAL THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU

BIG, BUT IT'S NOT.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE GET NUTS ABOUT

THIEVES 'CAUSE THEY THINK, "YOU

STOLE A BIT FROM ME.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE A STAR."

NO. NO.

>> TWO COMEDIANS GOT IN A

PHYSICAL FIGHT BECAUSE THEY BOTH

CLAIMED TO HAVE WRITTEN "IS IT

ME, OR DOES E.T. LOOK LIKE A

PIECE OF SHIT?"

>> IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT

HAPPENS WITH COMICS SOMETIMES

OF, "NO, I DO A THING ON

BREATHING."

"OH."

>> ONE TIME, I THOUGHT I WROTE

"THE STRANGER," BY BILLY JOEL.

>> I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE WHO STEAL

MATERIAL, IT DOESN'T REALLY

MATTER 'CAUSE I CAN MAKE MORE.

>> I THINK I'M FORTUNATE IN THAT

MY MATERIAL IS HARD ENOUGH FOR

ME TO DO.

YOU KNOW, I CAN RARELY GET

LAUGHS WRUNG OUT OF IT.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE

GONNA ASK, "WHY DID THEY

INTERVIEW CARLOS ABOUT THIS?

CARLOS IS A JOKE THIEF.

CARLOS STEALS JOKES, AND WE KNOW

THIS."

LISTEN TO ME, AND LOOK AT ME

WHEN I TELL YOU THIS, WITH ALL

HONESTY.

IF YOU THINK THAT I STEAL JOKES,

FUCK, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT!

OF COURSE I FUCKING STEAL JOKES.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING

MIND?

WHEN I COME TO A COMEDY CLUB,

YOU BETTER RUN, BITCH.

YOU BETTER GET THE FUCK OFF

STAGE.

'CAUSE IF ANYTHING YOU SAY IS

EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY, I'M GONNA

MAKE IT MINE.

AND ALL I'M GONNA DO IS SAY

"MEXICAN" IN THE FRONT.

I'M LIKE A RAPPER.

I JUST SAMPLE SHIT AND MAKE IT

MY OWN.

WAS THAT REALLY MY SONG?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE MINE.

BUT IT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE

SOMEBODY ELSE'S.

IT'S A HIT, BITCH!

>> THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE JOKE

THAT SOMEONE GAVE YOU THAT YOU

GO -- WHERE THEY GO, "I CAN'T DO

THIS JOKE.

YOU SHOULD DO IT."

"I WILL DO IT.

REALLY? ARE YOU SURE?"

>> I HAD WRITTEN A JOKE, AND I

HAD TRIED IT OUT A COUPLE OF

TIMES.

AND I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE I COULD

MAKE IT WORK.

>> AND IT'S TOTALLY THE JOKE

EVERYONE EVER QUOTES OF MINE.

I WAS LICKING JELLY OFF OF MY

BOYFRIEND'S PENIS, AND I

THOUGHT, "OH, MY GOD.

I'M TURNING INTO MY MOTHER."

>> THE REASON I WROTE THAT JOKE

WAS I WAS STAYING OVER AT MY

PARENTS' HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING,

AND I WAS IN MY OLD ROOM.

AND I WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN,

AND MY MOTHER IS STANDING OVER

THE SINK WITH A JAR OF JELLY IN

ONE HAND AND A KNIFE IN THE

OTHER, LICKING THE JELLY OFF THE

KNIFE.

AND SHE TURNS TO ME, AND SHE

SAID, "THIS TASTES SO GOOD ON A

PENIS."

AND I JUST WENT...

>> MY STAND-UP CAREER WAS A LOT

LIKE MY BAR MITZVAH.

VERY SMALL HOUSE, NOBODY

UNDERSTOOD WHAT I WAS SAYING,

THERE WAS NOBODY IN THE AUDIENCE

THAT COULD HELP ME, AND

EVERYBODY MADE MORE MONEY THAN I

DID.

>> MY JOB IS TO WRITE JOKES THAT

HE LIKES, NOT WRITE JOKES I

THINK ARE HILARIOUS THAT I'M

GONNA CONVINCE HIM TO DO.

I TRY TO KIND OF DISTANCE MYSELF

A LITTLE BIT FROM IT.

OTHERWISE, I --

I'M SENSITIVE.

PLEASE VISIT ME ON MY WEBSITE

'CAUSE I JUST PUT IT UP.

IT'S NOT FANCY.

VERY SIMPLE.

IT'S www --

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY "www."

IT'S...

childpredator.gov/

waynefederman.boyscout.

PLEASE VISIT ME.

>> FEDERMAN'S A GREAT EXAMPLE.

HE'S A GUY WHO'S AN ACCOMPLISHED

ACTOR AND A REALLY GOOD

STAND-UP, BUT AS YOU SAID, KIND

OF STARTED GETTING INTO HIS 40s,

AND IT'S LIKE, "WHAT ELSE DO I

NEED TO BE DOING HERE?"

AND HE STARTED WRITING.

>> LOOK AT ME.

THIS IS SOMEONE WHO SOLD OUT.

TAKE A LOOK.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

I'VE COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.

I WORK FOR GENERAL ELECTRIC.

I MAKE JOKES FOR THE

GENERAL ELECTRIC CORPORATION.

THIS IS ALMOST A FUNNY TOPIC

RIGHT HERE.

"MISSING BUSH E-MAILS WON'T BE

RELEASED."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> THEY'RE MISSING.

ALL THE WRITERS, WE TAKE THEIR

STUFF.

THIS IS WHERE WE GET THE JOKES

FROM.

EVERY DAY, NEW JOKES.

NO JOKES FROM YESTERDAY.

>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE GUY'S

VOICE IN YOUR HEAD, AND THAT'S

ALL I NEED IS ANOTHER VOICE IN

MY HEAD, YOU KNOW?

I HAVE TWO.

I HAVE DAVE LETTERMAN, AND I

HAVE ANOTHER VOICE THAT SOUNDS

LIKE ME, EXCEPT MUCH MORE

CONFIDENT.

>> THIS IS FROM THE MOVIE

"SEMI-PRO."

I WAS CUT OUT OF THAT MOVIE.

AND THIS IS ALL THAT'S LEFT OF

THAT.

A DREAM AND A BASKETBALL.

>> WHEN COMEDY CENTRAL CAME ON

AROUND '95, REALLY STARTED

KICKING IN, ALL OF SUDDEN,

COMEDY CENTRAL BECAME THE PLACE

FOR ALL THE STAND-UPS TO GO.

AND THEN THAT BECAME THE STAMP

OF APPROVAL.

>> I THINK, HISTORICALLY, HERE

AT COMEDY CENTRAL, OUR ROOTS ARE

BUILT ON STAND-UP, AS YOU KNOW,

AND THE STAND-UPS THAT WORK THE

BEST FOR US DOING STAND-UP ACTS

ARE THE STAND-UPS WITH STRONG

POINT OF VIEW.

>> WITHIN TWO YEARS, HOPEFULLY,

YOU CAN GET A HALF-HOUR SPECIAL

ON COMEDY CENTRAL, AND THEN TWO

YEARS LATER, DEPENDING ON HOW

PROLIFIC OF A WRITER AND

PERFORMER YOU ARE, YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT A ONE-HOUR SPECIAL

SOMEWHERE -- MAYBE AT

COMEDY CENTRAL, MAYBE AT HBO,

SHOWTIME, WHEREVER.

>> ONE THING I REALIZED WHEN I

WAS BUILDING THE HOUR WAS THAT I

HAD A GREAT 40 MINUTES AND I HAD

A HORRIBLE 20 FOLLOWING IT.

BECAUSE --

BECAUSE I HAD A FIVE-MINUTE

CLOSER AT THE END THAT WAS

BLISTERING KILLER.

SO I KNEW I COULD COAST FOR

20 MINUTES...

>> RIGHT.

>> ...BECAUSE I'M GONNA GET THEM

AT THE END.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT THAT 20 MINUTES COULDN'T GET

STRONGER BECAUSE I DIDN'T NEED

IT TO BE.

SO WHAT I STARTED DOING WAS

OPENING WITH THE CLOSING JOKE.

AND THEN I'D HAVE TO TAKE

SOMETHING AND MAKE IT THE NEW

CLOSER.

LIKE, OTHER MATERIAL -- THAT

20 WEAK MINUTES HAD TO GET SO

GOOD THAT IT COULD GET BE THAT

STRONG AS A CLOSE.

AND WHEN IT GOT THAT GOOD, I

CHUCKED IT TO THE BEGINNING

AGAIN, AND I KEPT DOING THAT.

IT'S LIKE FOLDING A SAMURAI

SWORD.

>> LOUIS C.K. -- HE'S AN

ANOMALY.

HE'S A FREAK.

BECAUSE THE PACE AT WHICH HE'S

ABLE TO WRITE AND GENERATE NEW

MATERIAL AND ALSO PUT IT INTO A

SHOW AND PERFORM IT IS

UNMATCHED.

THERE'S NOBODY ELSE THAT DOES

IT.

IN THE LAST THREE YEARS, HE'S

DONE THREE AMAZING HOURS THAT

PEOPLE DON'T DO IN THEIR WHOLE

LIVES.

>> I SPEND A YEAR BUILDING THE

MATERIAL, SHOOT THE SPECIAL WHEN

IT'S READY, AND THEN KILL THE

MATERIAL.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN WITH

DATES ON THE CALENDAR FOR NEXT

FALL, AND I DON'T HAVE ANY

JOKES.

AND THAT'S A REALLY EXCITING

FEELING.

AT 41, YOU NEED STUFF LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S LIKE VIAGRA FOR COMEDIANS.

>> "YEAH, YOU BEEN A GREAT

CROWD!

CHECK OUT MY WEBSITE!

LOOK AT ME ON YouTube!

CHECK OUT MY MySpace!

COME BE MY MySpace FRIEND!

FACEBOOK!

DON'T FORGET FACEBOOK!

AND I'M TWITTERING RIGHT AFTER

THE SHOW!

CHECK OUT WHAT HAPPENED DURING

THE SHOW!

YOU JUST SAW THE SHOW!

NOW FIND OUT WHAT YOU SAW DURING

THE SHOW!

TWITTER ME, TWITTER YOU, TWITTER

EVERYBODY!"

>> OKAY. DO YOU HAVE A WEBPAGE?

>> YEAH, I DO.

[ LAUGHING ]

>> THE INTERNET -- CREATIVE

OUTLET AND MARKETING ENGINE.

I'M HORRIBLE AT SELF-PROMOTION,

SO I WILL MAYBE WRITE, "HEY,

COME TO THE SHOW," WHATEVER IT

IS.

>> I GET GUYS THAT E-MAIL ME AND

TELL ME ABOUT THEIR DAY, LIKE,

FOUR TIMES A WEEK, LIKE, JUST

WHAT THEY DID THAT DAY.

AND YOU WANT TO RESPOND THE

FIRST TIME AND BE LIKE, "THANKS

FOR WATCHING.

SO GLAD YOU CAME TO THE SHOW."

BUT IF YOU WRITE BACK AGAIN, I

HAVE FEELING HE'LL BE WEARING MY

HEAD AS A HAT.

>> I USE THE INTERNET MAINLY FOR

MEETING PEOPLE -- PEOPLE,

LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE, SINGLE

PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING

TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, PEOPLE WHO

MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN ME COMING

OVER AND COMING ON THEIR FOOD.

>> I THINK THE INTERNET HAS BEEN

AMAZING FOR COMEDY.

IT'S BEEN A WHOLE NEW WAY TO

EXPRESS YOURSELF.

BUT YOU CAN'T CONTROL --

PEOPLE HAVE VIDEO RECORDERS ON

THEIR PHONES.

>> WE'RE A NATION OF FINKS.

YOU KNOW?

SO I THINK THAT ADDS TO THEM

TRYING TO GOAT YOU TO SNAP, YOU

KNOW?

THEY'RE HOPING THAT THEY'LL BE

THE FIRST ONE TO POST YOU

FUCKING SNAPPING.

>> WHY WOULD YOU WANT AN HBO

SPECIAL WHEN YOU CAN HAVE YOUR

WHOLE ACT IN 30-SECOND, SHITTY

INCREMENTS ON YouTube, YOU KNOW?

AND THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T

UNDERSTAND.

THEY SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

BUT YOU HAVE ALL THIS SHIT OF

YOU ON YouTube -- STUFF THAT

YOU'RE JUST WORKING ON, STUFF

THAT'S OLD THAT IS SUPPORTING

THE NEW STUFF.

IT'S A SLOW PROCESS TO HONE AND

CHANGE YOUR ACT.

IT'S NOT REALLY OFF THE TOP OF

OUR HEADS.

>> SO, IN COMEDY NOW, WE HAVE

WHAT WE CALL CULTURAL NIGHTS.

SO, LATINO NIGHTS, ONLY LATINOS

PERFORM FOR LATINOS.

CHOCOLATE SUNDAES, ONLY BLACK

PEOPLE PERFORM FOR BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, ON THE GAY NIGHT, ONLY

GAY PEOPLE.

AND THEY NORMALLY DON'T CALL

THEM LATINO NIGHT.

THEY CALL IT "RICE AND BEANS."

>> "1,001 NIGHTS."

>> "CHOCOLATE SUNDAE."

>> "ARABS GONE WILD."

>> "FAIRY FRIDAY," WHATEVER IT

IS.

>> "URBAN NIGHT" IS WHEN A CLUB

DECIDES TO HAVE A BLACK NIGHT,

SEE?

AND I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I CALL

IT [BLEEP] NIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW YOU MIGHT BLEEP THAT OUT,

BUT I AM BLACK, SO I CAN SAY IT.

[BLEEP] NIGHT. IT IS.

IT'S [BLEEP] NIGHT.

>> LITTLE LOUDER.

>> NIGGER NIGHT. [BLEEP]

>> IN A WHITE CLUB, WHEN YOU

BOMB, IT'S JUST SILENCE.

AND THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU LIKE,

"HMM.

OKAY."

BUT IN A BLACK CLUB, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, SOON AS YOU GRAB THE MIKE,

"GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!

YOU AIN'T FUNNY!

MY MOTHER FUNNIER THAN YOU!"

SO, MY PREFERENCE, IF I HAD A

CHOICE OF WHAT ROOM I WANTED TO

BOMB IN, IT WOULD DEFINITELY BE

A ROOM FILLED WITH A LOT OF

CAUCASIANS.

>> IF YOU'RE DOING ETHNIC NIGHT

AND ALL YOU'RE DOING IS CATERING

TO THAT ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE,

YOU'RE GONNA FALL SHORT WHEN YOU

END UP OUTSIDE OF THAT.

>> A LOT OF Y'ALL KNOW, BUT YOU

REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT, BUT

I'VE BEEN IN COMEDY ABOUT, OH,

40 YEARS, YEAH.

AND YOU MEET A LOT OF GOOD

PEOPLE ON THE ROAD.

THE COMEDIAN COMING UP NOW IS

ONE OF THE GUYS I WORKED WITH ON

THE ROAD.

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA MAKE HIM

FEEL WELCOME AT THE J. SPOT.

GIVE IT UP FOR A GOOD FRIEND OF

MINE, MR. RITCH SHYDNER, Y'ALL.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM!

GIVE IT UP!

>> THANK YOU, J!

THANK YOU, J!

>> YOU GOT A DVD, TOO?

>> OH, YEAH, I BOUGHT THIS.

THANK YOU. J. ANTHONY BROWN.

YEAH!

I'M FROM A LINEAGE OF DRUNKS,

MAN.

MY ANCESTORS GOT TO AMERICA IN

1721, LANDED IN SOUTH JERSEY --

THEY KICKED THEM OUT OF GERMANY

FOR BEING BROKE AND POOR.

LANDED IN SOUTH JERSEY, NEVER

LEFT, NEVER OWNED ANY PROPERTY.

THAT'S A WHOLE LINE OF DRUNKS.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAN.

OUR FAMILY CREST IS LIKE A KEG

OF BEER AND A PISTOL.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

I GOT THREE LAUGHS OUT OF IT.

THAT'S NOT BAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I NEVER TOLD THAT STORY BEFORE

ANYWHERE.

SO, YOU KNOW, GET THREE LAUGHS

OUT OF SOMETHING NEW.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

I'M -- I'M --

I'M ANOTHER OLD GUY COMING ON

STAGE, MAN.

I'M OLD -- STUPID OLD.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME PEOPLE LIVE

THEIR LIVES TO BE WARNINGS TO

OTHER PEOPLE?

THAT'S MY LIFE.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I STARTED DRINKING IN A BAR.

I CAME TO DRIVING TOWARDS

BAKERSFIELD WITH TWO GUYS IN

1985 BECAUSE WE WERE HEADING TO

FIND COCAINE IN BAKERSFIELD.

'CAUSE APPARENTLY, L.A. WAS OUT.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

WELL, UM...

LOT OF COMICS -- YOU KNOW, YOU

LOOK FOR THAT BIG ENDING, BUT

FRANKLY, I DON'T SEE IT

HAPPENING HERE TONIGHT.

GONNA TAKE WHAT I GOT AND GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR LETTING

ME TRY.

>> IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.

THERE'S ONLY TWO THINGS THAT

HAPPENS ONSTAGE FOR A COMEDIAN.

THEY'RE EITHER PERFORMING...

OR THE AUDIENCE IS RESPONDING.

EACH OF THOSE ARE MEASURABLE

EVENTS, AND YOU CAN TAKE A RATIO

OF ONE TO THE OTHER, AND THE

HIGHER THE RATIO, THE FUNNIER

YOU ARE.

END OF STORY.

THE COMEDY EVALUATOR PRO IS

ACTUALLY A PROCESS WITH SOFTWARE

THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CREATE A

RATIO OF YOUR PERFORMANCE TIME

BALANCED AGAINST YOUR LAUGH

TIME OR YOUR APPLAUSE TIME OR

YOUR CHEERING TIME.

YOU START THE PERFORMANCE TIMER

WHENEVER YOU'RE GONNA EVALUATE

THE PERFORMANCE, AND THEN YOU

WAIT FOR THE LAUGHTER.

ALL I GOT TO DO IS PRESS THE

SPACEBAR, HOLD IT DOWN FOR THE

LAUGHTER, CHEERING, OR APPLAUSE,

LIFT UP, AND IT'S DONE.

AND THAT NUMBER REPRESENTS THE

PERCENTAGE OF TIME, IN A MINUTE,

OVERALL, THAT YOU HAD LAUGHS.

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> NOW MORE JEFF FOXWORTHY.

>> WAITING TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

MY WIFE SPENDS HOURS TRYING TO

GET HER HAIR TO DO THINGS GOD

NEVER INTENDED HAIR TO DO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'VE BEEN TEMPTED TO BRING IN

ONE OF THOSE TELEVISION

EVANGELISTS.

"LIFELESS DEVIL, COME OUT!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE SCORED A 33, WHICH IS 1/3 OF

HIS TIME.

YOU KNOW, I'VE SAID, SINCE THE

BEGINNING OF THIS AND I STARTED

DOING THE EVALUATIONS ON FOLKS,

THAT YOU NEED TO HIT 30 TO BE A

HEADLINER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT'S THE BAD COMMENT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

MORE LAUGHING.

I'M RIGHT. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HA HA HA.

>> HIS SCORE WAS 26.

IN THE BEGINNING, IT WAS

STRONGER, AND IT SEEMED TO GET

LESS STRONGER AS IT WENT ALONG.

>> COULD THAT BE A FUNCTION OF

THE POT WEARING OFF?

>> NO MATTER WHAT THE SIZE

AUDIENCE IT IS, YOU STILL HAVE

TO GIVE THAT AUDIENCE TIME TO

LAUGH.

IF YOU DON'T GIVE THEM TIME TO

LAUGH, IT'S GOING TO AFFECT

THOSE BUTTS IN THE SEATS.

>> MY FRIEND RUNS HALF

MARATHONS.

YEAH. SHE BRAGS ABOUT IT TO ME.

I'M LIKE, "I'M HALF PROUD OF

YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HER PAR SCORE'S 32.

>> SO SHE'S A HEADLINER.

>> OH, ABSOLUTELY.

NIKKI GLASER IS DEFINITELY

HEADLINE MATERIAL.

IF I HAD A ROOM, I'D HIRE HER.

>> I LOVE ALL THE DISTRACTIONS

IN THIS BAR.

I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S LIKE, YOU'RE RIGHT ON THE

STREET.

THE TVs ARE STILL ON.

IT'S A COMEDY CLUB, BUT THE

COMIC'S IN THE BACK, TALKING.

THEN THEY COME OVER HERE AND

TALK LOUDER THAN THE MIKE.

YOU GOT ALL THE TVs ON, AND THE

TVs ARE NOT ONLY ON, THEY GOT

THE SUBTITLES ON SO YOU CAN

ACTUALLY FOLLOW THE SHOW.

THAT'S WHAT THEIR CIRCUIT

CAMERAS ARE TRAINED ON.

SO THEY'RE WATCHING THE

BARTENDER, MAKING SURE SHE

DOESN'T LIFT ANYTHING, TAKE IT

IN BACK.

MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T...

>> SHOO.

>> THAT WAS RITCH'S FIRST TIME

IN 12 YEARS.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> I JUST WENT UP IN THE BAR.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> COUPLE TIMES, I GO, "WOW, I

HIT A JOKE, I HIT SOMETHING

GOOD."

>> WELL --

>> OTHER TIMES, I'LL JUST LOOK

AND SEARCH.

I'D NEVER EVEN GONE IN THE PLACE

BEFORE.

I JUST NOTICED THAT THEY SENT ME

ON FACEBOOK THAT THEY HAVE THESE

COMEDY NIGHTS THERE, RIGHT?

ON SEPULVEDA.

I GO, "LIQUID ZOO," AND I DROVE

BY IT, YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S JUST A BAR IN THE

MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, SO I TOLD

JORDAN ABOUT IT.

BUT I HADN'T CHECKED IT OUT OR

ANYTHING.

>> THIS IS --

YOU WANT TO BE --

>> NO, HONEST!

>> THIS IS OPEN-MIKE LEVEL.

>> I KNOW. WHAT WAS IT?

>> A 10.

>> IN SEPTEMBER OF 1991, I WAS

HEADLINING A CLUB IN

SAN FRANCISCO, AND I WAS THREE

SHOWS THAT NIGHT -- THREE

HOUR-LONG SHOWS.

AND I WAS ABOUT 10 MINUTES INTO

THE FIRST SHOW, AND I JUST

THOUGHT, "I CAN'T DO THIS."

>> I REMEMBER THE NIGHT I

STOPPED.

I WAS WORKING ON

"THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW" WITH

SOME SMART GUYS, AND DECIDED TO

GO DOWN TO IGBY'S TO DO A SET,

AND AS SOON AS I TURNED AROUND

AND FACED THE AUDIENCE, I

REALIZED I'D MADE A TERRIBLE

MISTAKE.

THERE WAS A YOUNG GUY IN THE

FRONT ROW WITH HIS FEET UP OVER

THE CHAIR AND ONE ARM OVER HIS

GIRLFRIEND, ALMOST HOLDING HER

BREAST, AND LOOKING AT ME LIKE I

WAS AN IDIOT.

AND I'D JUST SPENT THE DAY

TALKING TO DENNIS MILLER AND

NORM MacDONALD AND...

I REMEMBER THAT.

THAT WAS THE END OF IT.

>> I COULDN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

I GOT HOME ONE DAY, AND I SAID,

"IF I HAVE TO GET ON ANOTHER

PLANE AND GO INTO ANOTHER CITY,

I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF."

>> COMICS ARE REALLY ANGRY, AND

THEY'RE MEAN AND NASTY.

THE HAPPIER I GOT, THE LESS I

GAVE A SHIT ABOUT DOING COMEDY.

>> AND SOME GUY IS LIKE -- IN

THE AUDIENCE, HE'S LIKE,

"WHERE'S DAN?"

AND I'M LIKE, "FUCK YOU, MAN.

FUCK YOU."

AND I JUST LEFT, AND I DIDN'T

COME BACK FOR LIKE 14 YEARS,

EITHER.

>> I AVOIDED GOING TO A SHRINK

FOR YEARS BECAUSE, I THOUGHT,

"WELL, THIS MIGHT AFFECT HOW I'M

FUNNY."

AND THEN MY MIND, IN A VERY

CLEVER WAY, SAID, "WELL, THEN

I'LL PREVENT YOU FROM GOING

ONSTAGE."

>> YEAH, LOOK, I SAW FOXWORTHY

COME.

I SAW HIM BLOW BY ME.

WATCHING SOMEONE YOUNG LIKE

NIKKI.

MAYBE I'M NOT GOOD IN SHOW

BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW?

AFTER A WHILE, YOU GO, "NO

MATTER HOW WELL I'M DOING IN

FRONT OF THESE CROWDS HERE RIGHT

NOW AND I'M NOT MAKING THE NEXT

LEAP..."

IT'S ON ME.

I COULDN'T PUT IT ON ANYBODY

ELSE.

AND THERE'S SOMETHING LACKING IN

MY PERSONALITY ONSTAGE.

THERE'S SOMETHING NOT...

CONNECTING ON A LARGER SCALE.

IT'S A WASTE OF TIME?

YEAH, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME

IF I LOOK AT ALL THE OTHER

THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING.

I'M NOT GONNA WORK NIGHT CLUBS,

NOT GONNA GO ON THE ROAD TO MAKE

ENOUGH MONEY TO SUPPORT A

STORAGE UNIT IN L.A.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

I'M NOT GONNA COME BACK AND...

SO, YEAH, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME.

>> IN 1992, I LOST A SON TO

CANCER, DEREK, WHO WAS 11 YEARS

OLD.

ROBERT SCHIMMEL, 1978 TO

PRESENT.

AND I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO

MAKE DEREK LAUGH, CONSTANTLY.

HE HAD AN UNBELIEVABLE SENSE OF

HUMOR.

THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION CAME

TO OUR HOUSE AFTER CHILDREN'S

HOSPITAL SENT HIM HOME AND SAID

THEY COULDN'T DO ANYTHING

ANYMORE, AND I SAID HIS WISH WAS

TO WATCH DOLLY PARTON BLOW ME.

AND THESE PEOPLE WERE STUNNED.

I MEAN, THEY COULDN'T TALK.

AND HE ALMOST FELL OUT OF HIS

BED.

HE WAS PISSING IN HIS PANT--

I MEAN, HE KNEW WHAT THAT WAS.

I WASN'T GONNA HOLD BACK WITH

HIM ANYMORE, AT THAT POINT.

AND THEY SAID, "WE WERE THINKING

LIKE DISNEYLAND OR

KNOTT'S BERRY FARM."

I SAID, "HEY, SHE COULD BLOW ME

AT DISNEYLAND,

KNOTT'S BERRY FARM.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK."

SO...

BUT HE LAUGHED, AND THAT'S ALL

THAT MATTERED TO ME WAS THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN CRY SO MUCH.

I NEVER --

I NEVER TALKED TO HIM ABOUT IT

BEING THE END.

SO I WAS NEVER GONNA GO THERE.

AND I FACED THE SAME THING

MYSELF AND STILL CRACKED JOKES

ABOUT THAT WHEN I WAS GOING

THROUGH IT BECAUSE...

BECAUSE WHAT WE DO IS WE TAKE

THE WORST THINGS IN OUR LIFE AND

TURN IT INTO SOMETHING PALATABLE

FOR EVERYBODY ELSE, BECAUSE THE

BEST COMEDY COMES FROM REAL

LIFE.

I THINK THAT WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT

SOMETHING THAT REALLY HAPPENED,

WHETHER YOU MAKE IT A CARICATURE

OF WHAT HAPPENED OR WHATEVER,

BUT IT IS A VERSION OF THE

TRUTH, YOU CONNECT WITH AN

AUDIENCE IN THE WAY THAT YOU

CANNOT WITH CONTRIVED MATERIAL.

>> SO YOU'VE DONE STAND-UP

COMEDY THROUGH YOUR SON'S

ILLNESS, THROUGH YOUR OWN

ILLNESS, NOW THROUGH THIS

SEPARATION AND MARRIAGE.

DO YOU EVER ENVISION ANYTHING

THAT WOULD STOP YOU FROM DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY?

>> NO.

>> I LOVE STAND-UP, AND I'M

TOTALLY ADDICTED TO IT.

IT'S FREE SPEECH.

IT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT.

>> IT'S A DISEASE.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE TO

DO.

>> I DON'T DO IT 'CAUSE I WANT

TO.

I DO IT 'CAUSE I HAVE TO.

>> IT'S A GIFT TO BE AROUND

FUNNY PEOPLE.

YOU GET A LOT, BUT THE PERSON

THAT'S BEING FUNNY GETS A LITTLE

BIT MORE.

>> I THINK I'M ADDICTED NOT EVEN

TO THE LAUGHTER, LIKE, IN THE

SENSE THAT I NEED LOVE FROM THE

CROWD OR AFFIRMATION OR ANY OF

THAT KIND OF STUFF.

IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE THAT KIND OF

NEEDINESS.

IT'S AN ADDICTION TO THE ACTUAL

PALPABLE SENSE OF THE SOUND AND

THE LAUGH AND THE ENERGY.

IT'S NOT EVEN, "OH, THEY LOVE

ME.

I'M HAPPY."

IT'S JUST, "FUCK. FEEL THAT."

>> I CANNOT IMAGINE NOT BEING

ABLE TO DO IT ANYMORE BECAUSE I

LOAD UP WITH SHIT EVERY DAY, AND

I DON'T EVEN --

WHEN I'M YELLING ONSTAGE, I'M

NOT EVEN YELLING ABOUT THE SHIT

I'M YELLING ABOUT.

I'M YELLING ABOUT SOME LITTLE

FUCKING THING THAT HAPPENED

BECAUSE STINKY DIDN'T TELL FARTY

TO CALL ME, AND NOW I MISSED OUT

ON SOME SORT OF A COCKTAIL

PARTY."

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A COCKTAIL

PARTY IN YEARS BECAUSE OF THIS!

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO TO

THOSE?

FUCK YOU.

>> YEAH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, THAT'S THE WHOLE THING.

IT'S LIKE A WASTE OF TIME THAT

REALLY MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, AND

IT'S LIKE A GLORIOUS WASTE OF

TIME.

AND IT'S...

IT'S A DRUG IS WHAT IT IS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE THE BEST

ANTIDEPRESSANT.

IT'S THE BEST --

IT MAKES ME FEEL BALANCED.

IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

IT MAKES ME FEEL CONNECTED TO

THE WORLD.

SO, YEAH, I GET SOMETHING OUT OF

IT.

AND I'LL TAKE IT.

RIGHT NOW, I'LL TAKE IT.

>> HI. IS YOUR MOM AND DAD HOME?

>> [ GASPS ] HEY, LOOK!

IT'S A STAND-UP COMEDIAN!

>> COME INSIDE!

MOM, COME AND LOOK!

DAD, LOOK, IT'S A STAND-UP

COMIC!

>> HE DON'T LOOK FUNNY.

>> CAN HE MAKE US LAUGH?

>> YEAH! CAN WE LAUGH?!

>> WELL, HONEY, WHAT DO YOU

THINK?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> OH, GOOD.

>> YEAH!

>> RITCH SHYDNER, STAND-UP

COMEDIAN FROM GAGWAY.

>> YOU AREN'T ONE OF THOSE PROP

COMICS, ARE YOU?

>> RITCH HELPED ME STAY ALIVE,

AND, IN A PERSONAL NOTE, IS MY

FIRST SPONSOR.

WHEN YOU'RE FEELING LIKE CRAP

ABOUT YOURSELF AND A STAR TOUR

BUS PULLS UP AND SAYS, "OH, MY

GOD, MR. BELUSHI..."

OR, "MR. GOODMAN."

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO LAUGH.

>> HI. THIS IS RITCH.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.

THANK YOU.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> RITCH SHYDNER, THIS IS

TOM ARNOLD.

I GOT A SHOW AT THE

LAUGH FACTORY TONIGHT.

I GOT A SPACE FOR YOU.

I WANT YOU TO COME DOWN.

DON'T BE A PUSSY.

DO THREE, FIVE MINUTES, WHATEVER

YOU WANT.

COME IN.

I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

THE CROWD'S GREAT.

YOU'LL BE OFFSTAGE BEFORE THEY

REALIZE YOU SUCK.

NOT THAT YOU'RE GONNA SUCK.

YOU'RE AWESOME.

COME DOWN AND HAVE SOME FUN WITH

ME.

COME ON, RITCH.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

>> THIS IS CALLED A

MEET-AND-GREET, WHERE PEOPLE GET

TO COME AND PET THE DONKEY, THE

LITTLE PONY, YEAH.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

>> YOU DIDN'T WEAR YOUR

STINGRAYS TONIGHT?

>> I DIDN'T.

[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]

YOU'RE UP.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU ON TELEVISION.

>> YEAH, THEY'LL PUT ANYBODY ON

TELEVISION.

>> MY SON USED TO BE A STAND-UP

COMEDIAN.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> IT'S A WEIRD JOB, BUT I LOVE

IT.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

ELSE.

>> I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS KIND

OF A HACK.

>> [ LAUGHING ]

THAT'S BAD WHEN YOUR MOM CALLS

YOU A HACK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHEN I'M AWAY FROM IT TOO LONG,

I START MISSING IT.

IF I'M DOING THE "5th GRADER"

SHOW OR I'M DOING BLUE TOURS, IT

WAS LIKE, "THAT'S WHAT I AM."

I MEAN, I DO SOME ACTING, I DO

THE RADIO, I DO THE BOOKS, BUT

IF YOU PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD AND

SAY, "YOU CAN'T PICK BUT ONE

THING -- ONE THING."

STAND-UP.

THAT'S WHAT I AM.

I'M A STAND-UP COMIC.

STILL FUN.

25 YEARS.

>> THAT WAS KILLER.

LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF.

>> WELL, YEAH, BUT I'M 40.

>> THIS IS THE REAL DEAL, YOU

KNOW?

AND SO I CAN'T JUST GOOF --

ESPECIALLY CAN'T GOOD ON THE

PLACE 'CAUSE IT'S A GOOD PLACE.

BUT YOU JUST CAN'T GOOF.

YOU GOT TO COME IN READY.

LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> EXCUSE ME.

>> [ LAUGHING ]

ACT LIKE YOU DON'T --

GOT YOUR NOTES?

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> I'LL TRADE YOU.

>> OH, NO.

YOU DON'T WANT THESE.

NOT YET.

NOW, GIVE ME A COUPLE HOURS...

>> [ LAUGHING ]

YOU GOT TOM ARNOLD EMCEEING.

IT'S A REAL SHOW.

IT'S JAMIE MASADA'S

LAUGH FACTORY.

IT'S A REAL PLACE.

TIM ALLEN WILL GO ON.

>> YOU DOING ANYTHING YOU DID

FROM THE LIQUID ZOO?

>> OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

WILDEBEEST, JESUS, YOU KNOW?

IF THERE WAS TWITTER --

IMAGINE IF THERE WAS TWITTER

WHEN JESUS WAS BORN, YOU KNOW?

THIS NEXT GUY WAS MY FIRST

MENTOR.

THIS WAS ABOUT '88.

WE'RE MEETING AT JERRY'S DELI TO

CELEBRATE 90 DAYS OF SOBRIETY.

WE GOT THERE, AND THEN, AS SOON

AS WE LEFT, I CALLED MY DEALER

ABOUT A QUARTER POUND OF COKE.

"'CAUSE I'M CELEBRATING 90 DAYS,

MAN!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

RITCH SHYDNER!

COME ON UP HERE, RITCH!

>> THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

NO, IT'S OKAY NOW.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> THANKS, BUDDY.

>> BUT HE DIDN'T CALL ME AFTER

HE GOT THE COKE, AND THAT'S WHAT

REALLY PISSED ME OFF.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING A

SINGLE GUY AND MARRIED PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, JUST GOING OUT --

SINGLE PEOPLE GO OUT.

MARRIED PEOPLE GET OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M NOT READY TO GET MARRIED

UNTIL YOU CAN SAY, "YES, DEAR.

YOU'RE RIGHT, DEAR.

I'M SORRY, DEAR," 10 TIMES IN A

ROW WITHOUT WANTING TO DRIVE A

CAR INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IS ANYBODY EVER IN THE MOMENT?

THEY'RE ALWAYS --

"HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT

NOW."

WELL, JUST DO IT AND SHUT UP.

DO I HAVE TO KNOW?

"HEY, I'M WATCHING TV."

FINE! SHUT UP!

EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

EVEN POT.

THE POT WE SMOKED WAS NOTHING.

IT WAS LIKE STUFF THEY PULLED

FROM A DITCH IN MEXICO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU HAD TO SMOKE, LIKE, A

FOOTBALL FIELD TO GET HIGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE STUFF THEY'RE SMOKING NOW,

MAN, THEY GERMINATE THE SEEDS IN

A SPACE SHUTTLE.

THEY PUT IT IN HYDROPONIC

BUNKERS 3,000 FEET UNDERGROUND.

ONE HIT OF THIS STUFF AND YOUR

FAMILY CAN'T DO MATH FOR FIVE

GENERATIONS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, THANKS A LOT, FOLKS.

YOU'VE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> RITCH!

RITCH SHYDNER!

>> I'M ENJOYING IT, THE PROCESS.

I'M ENJOYING IT.

>> HEY.

YOUR NUMBER WENT UP THERE.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, OH, I GOT A TWITTER.

AND JESUS SAID, "FED THE

MULTITUDE TODAY.

TOO TIRED TO WALK ON WATER."

[ LAUGHING ]

>> I REALLY FEEL TRULY BLESSED

TO BE DOING COMEDY RIGHT NOW.

I WOULD LIKE A PRIVATE PLANE.

>> WHEN I HEAR THE AUDIENCE

LAUGHING, I FEEL PRETTY AND

THIN.

>> IT'S BETTER THAN DRUGS.

I CAN'T SAY SEX 'CAUSE I LIKE

SEX.

I REALLY --

MAYBE WE COULD PUT THEM ON THE

SAME THING.

>> IF YOU'RE MAKING PEOPLE

LAUGH, YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, AND

THAT'S IT.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT MAKING PEOPLE

LAUGH, THEN IT'S SPOKEN WORD.

>> I DO IT BECAUSE I MISS THE

CONNECTION WITH THE AUDIENCE,

AND I RAN OUT OF MONEY.

THAT'S REALLY WHY I DO IT.

SO, COME OUT AND SEE ME IN A

TOWN NEAR YOU.

[ LAUGHING ]

>> YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF TO

KNOW HOW HARD IT IS.

YOU WORK IN ONE, YOU WORK ALONE,

YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN

MATERIAL...

AND THAT'S A STAND-UP.

>> I'M VERY HAPPY.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO A SHOW

TONIGHT.

I'M NOT PERFORMING TONIGHT.

I'M JUST ENJOYING THAT IT'S A

PERFECT ROOM.

I HOPE THE COMEDIANS DON'T FUCK

IT UP.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK, GUY,

HUH?

IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I EVEN GOT SOME LOTION IN THE

GREEN ROOM FOR THE COMICS.

ANYWAY...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT.

BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING --

GET THESE TWO GIRLS A SANDWICH.

WAIT A SECOND.

THIS IS A LITTLE WEIRD.

HOW COME I'M IN THE BACKGROUND

AND -- ME AND YOU --

OH, I KNOW WHY.

'CAUSE I'M LOOPING A FUCKING

DOCUMENTARY LIKE A STUPID IDIOT.

I HAD TO DRIVE FROM L.A. TO

BURBANK, AND I GOT LOST, AND NOW

THERE'S --

BAH, FUCK IT.

IT WAS A CLOSET THREE HOURS AGO.

SHOWS HOW LITTLE IT IS.

HEY, THAT BRIGHT LIGHT DOESN'T

MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.

WHAT THE FUCK?

>> THIS IS CREATED BY

TODD GLASS.

AND IN THIS RECESSION, A LOT OF

COMEDY CLUBS ARE HAVING A HARD

TIME FILLING THEIR SEATS, AND

TODD'S SOLUTION IS JUST TO MAKE

SMALLER CLUBS.

THAT'S THE WAY HE'S DOING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND EVENTUALLY, COMICS WILL GET

IN A CAR WITH YOU AND DRIVE

AROUND THE CITY.

>> UM, MY CHILDREN ARE

BIOLOGICALLY NOT MY OWN.

MY CHILDREN ARE ADOPTED.

AND PEOPLE OFTEN SAY, "WHY DID

YOU ADOPT KIDS?"

"WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

LET ME LOOK AT MY SIDE OF THE

FAMILY.

RELIGIOUS WEIRDO, GUN NUT,

BIKER, BOOZER, DEAD TOOTH, TOO

MANY CATS, THE GUY WHO TALKS TO

HIS TRUCK -- HMM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAYBE I ADOPTED BECAUSE,

GENETICALLY, MY BALLS ARE FULL

OF POISON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MAN, PROBLEMS MEAN THAT OUR

SOCIETY AIN'T SHIT NOW.

WE AIN'T SHIT.

WE GOT TO HAVE COMMERCIALS THAT

TELL US NOT TO HURT OURSELVES.

"DON'T SMOKE CRACK WHILE YOU'RE

PREGNANT."

WHAT?!

YOU HAVE TO TELL BITCHES THIS

NOW?!

AND IF SHE'S SMOKING CRACK WHILE

SHE'S PREGNANT, SHE DONE SOLD

THE TV.

SHE AIN'T EVEN SEEING THIS

FUCKING COMMERCIAL.

SHE'S A CRACKHEAD, MOTHERFUCKER.

>> I WANT TO SAY THAT THIS IS AN

HONOR TO BE HERE 'CAUSE IF YOU

KNEW THE SHITTY PLACES I'VE HAD

TO WORK IN MY CAREER...

JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, I

WAS AT THIS DUMP.

THE ROOM WAS ALL BLACK AND IT

HAD THIS UGLY RED CURTAIN BEHIND

THE COMEDIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BUT I KNEW MY RAP WASN'T

GONNA WORK 'CAUSE MY WIFE IS

MIXED, AND THAT'S THE DAMN

PROBLEM.

NOT LIKE BARACK OBAMA'S MIXED --

SHE'S PART BOUGIE AND PART

GHETTO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BITCH IS A HYBRID -- SHE'S

BOUGIE AND GHETTO AT THE SAME

TIME.

SHE'S "BOUGHETTO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET ME BREAK IT DOWN TO YOU.

YOU LOOK CONFUSED, SIR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT MEANS SHE'LL DO SOME CLASSY

SHIT AND DO SOME GHETTO SHIT

RIGHT BEHIND IT.

PRIME EXAMPLE -- CHRISTMAS '07,

I BOUGHT HER A PURSE.

$3,000, LOUIS VUITTON.

BITCH KEEP HOT SAUCE IN THE

MOTHERFUCKER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I WAS ON AN AIRPLANE, AND THE

LADY NEXT TO ME TURNED TO ME,

AND SHE GOES, "EXCUSE ME.

DOES MY BREATH SMELL LIKE

TACOS?"

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."

I SAID, "DO YOU PUT CAT SHIT IN

YOUR TACOS?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE SAID, "NO, I DON'T PUT CAT

SHIT IN MY TACOS."

I SAID, "THEN NO.

BUT IF YOU DO, A LITTLE BIT.

I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU."

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE YOU GO!

OH, COME ON!

[ CHEERING INTENSIFIES ]

ARE YOU KID--

OH, MY GOD, I DESERVE IT!