Original subtitles

Previously, on The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh...

Thanks for getting me that investor.

He invited us bow hunting.

- Scary berries! - Jimbo, don't shoot him!

Ooh!

This wouldn't have happened if your weird boy wasn't afraid of berries.

You know what? You are not a good neighbor.

Did your moron son give this to my daughter?

The girl needs guidance. She isn't getting it at home.

- Excuse me?! - Oh, shit.

Let me live my life, okay?

You make bad decisions. You always have.

Maybe it is time to change.

Dunk me.

Halloween... birthday... incest.

Wow!

Wow! If what Janice said is even close to the truth,

the Pradeeps are capable of unspeakable depravity.

- Uh-huh.

Burning down the Mills' house almost pales in comparison.

Mm-hmm.

Oh! There you two are.

Ma'am, this is our private office, not the interrogation room.

Sorry. I just forgot to mention that Mahesh and Sudha

also tried to kill everyone at my Halloween party. Monsters.

- What? - Okay, bye!

Kill everyone? Should we have asked more about that?

Free lesson, rook. When you hear something sensational,

you have to get the other side of the story.

Let's talk to the Pradeeps.

How do we even begin to talk about... this?

Ease into it. You talk to the kids about "Halloween."

I'll talk to the parents about "Birthday." Maybe one of us will get to the big "I."

This got NC-17 real quick.

Let's make this interesting.

First one to get there... wins.

All right.

So, Sudha, a little bird told me

your first birthday in America was hard for you.

That's because in India, October 31st is my birthday.

Here, it's Halloween.

Obesity's birthday.

So, your birthday has always been a big deal to you.

I would say medium deal because I'm a grown adult.

Mm.

But America had already taken so much from me.

My career, my connection with my daughter, then, it came for my birthday.

My neighborhood was decorated like a horror film.

I wanted to throw myself into one of those fake graves.

Really, Minerva? You're going to Janice's too?

Well, tell me when your birthday is so I can cancel two hours before,

but after you bought a 64-ounce tub of guacamole.

Nobody's coming.

They're all going to the Mills' Halloween party,

which I swear Janice is throwing just to ruin my birthday.

- Cheer up, I made you chai. - Oh, so nice.

If only America was full of Maheshes.

Instead, I'm forced to share my day with this grotesque celebration

that demeans honorable vocations. Sexy nurse?

I can assure you, there's nothing sexy about wiping a paraplegic's bottom.

Kamal, put away your therapy clay.

Your mother is very upset.

That's new.

So, we're going to celebrate her birthday all day long.

What about trick-or-treating? This is our first Halloween.

The closest thing in India we had was that weird old guy

giving out free lollies at the train station.

You were supposed to give a donation, you doba, he was blind.

- Oh. - Mommy needs us.

We're all she has.

But Mo and Willa need me. We're going as rock, paper, scissors.

I'm paper.

Ah.

- I bought a costume. I was hoping... - Do not say the Mills' party.

It would kill your mother. After she's killed you.

Bhanu, let's cut to the chase.

I know you and Stu had some weird stuff planned for Halloween.

There was nothing weird.

Oh, that.

What can I say? We were young, dumb, and full of completely kinky ideas.

Wait.

This is our first time, and my very first time.

I want it to be special.

Taking you to the place where they

found a severed foot in a sneaker isn't that special, huh?

I've been thinking about this for awhile.

I did a Survey Monkey at school asking other girls about their first times,

and their responses ranged from "unremarkable"

to "he never stopped eating Doritos."

I want this to be special, too. Do you want to do it in a bed?

I'm thinking bigger. Phantom of the Opera.

- Thought you were gonna say waterbed. - It's so good!

I wasn't allowed to see it,

so I had to watch this bootlegged copy I stole from my Auntie's house.

It is like the most passionate love story of all time.

Damn! We should watch it then. On a waterbed!

Better-- we are going to live it.

The masks, the forbidden love, the danger.

The music of the night.

Hot! That sounds like us. I can't wait to be your Phantom.

- No. - Hmm?

I'm gonna be the Phantom. I want to feel the power of rescuing you.

- Then, who am I? - Christine.

Baranski? She is The Good Fight.

- Christine from Phantom. - You want me to play a chick?

- Is that too weird? - No.

No, you got baptized for me, I'll be your Christine.

- Okay. - So, when are we hitting the opera?

Halloween night.

Perfect. My parents throw a rager.

I was gonna offload a bunch of Ohio merch.

My mom's book club alone will clean us out.

Those bitches love to get high.

Okay. First, we score, and then, we score.

We all have secrets.

Your sister had secret plans with Stu.

- Boring, baby. - All right, baby, how 'bout this?

What secret are you guys keeping from Halloween?

Maybe a naughty secret from your parents?

- What's your secret? - I don't have secrets.

You said we all have secrets.

- I'm in charge here. - Are you?

Okay, look, our parents weren't even home for most of Halloween.

If they were, they could've saved us from the horrors that happened.

Horrors?

Horrors.

- Our first trick-or-treaters!

Candy's the heart of Halloween.

I like that.

Happy Halloween! Ah!

Ah! Oh!

Trick-or-treat, dot-heads! Eat me!

Out of my way, you stupid kids!

That your bully?

You should get revenge. This is a hate crime.

Involving biological weapons. Raw eggs are salmonella grenades!

I've tried to get through to him with pacifism,

but even Gandhi would agree that boy's a caca-faced punk!

While your kids were being terrorized, what were you off doing

that was so important?

Wandering aimlessly in a spiral of despair.

She got in a lot of steps that day.

Until I came across a killer of my soul!

Oh, look, it's the birthday girl!

You know, Minerva just told me what her costume is for my party.

Wanna know? She's dressing up as someone not going to your party.

Oh, you. Okay, bye!

I decided to give myself a birthday gift.

Oopsie.

But that wasn't the only gift I got.

Surprise!

- Should we jump to the cake?

Wait, wait, wait. Let me savor this.

My beautiful family. Out there's a hellscape,

but in here, you've reminded me of everything I still have.

Well put. Let's cut this baby.

Aside from Vinod, who for some reason is dressed like a dirty napkin,

I'm touched by how much you all love me.

Especially Kamal, who clearly made this cake.

I'm your good boy.

It's okay. I knew you couldn't fit the rest of our names.

I could, but I didn't. Happy birthday, Mummy.

Jai Shri Krishna, my heart is full.

Our house was a blessed place brimming with love.

Meanwhile, the Mills' house was a cursed place,

brimming with tacky decorations and tackier people.

Ladies and gentlemen, guys and ghouls, please, welcome your hosts,

straight outta Congress, The Social Justice Warriors!

- Woo!

Thank you all for coming to our annual ghoula.

There's nothing scarier than socialism, right?

AOC can suck it!

I call these truth bombs.

Take that, Medicare For All.

Woo-hoo!

Wait. Why are we against healthcare again?

Oh, don't overthink it. Just get me a drink.

Oh, my sweet Jesus who sits upon a velvet throne in Heaven.

Are you wearing my wedding dress?!

Before you say anything, this is just a costume, not every day.

Stu, just let me say one thing.

I always wanted a daughter to wear this. I never had her.

But, luckily, I have a son who wears it even better.

It does make my pecs pop, huh?

I'll be damned. You look just like your mom on our wedding day.

If you said, "Stop looking at my sister's boobs!"

I swear, I'd be right back at that altar.

Aunt Betsy is stacked, huh.

- Mm. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, DJ, what's going on?

Go fix the music. I'm gonna go dance with sexy nurse.

Just sold a bunch to DJ. Where's my Phantom?

Nice. I'll be there ASAP. I mean, ASS-AP.

Oh, sweet. Here's a little candy for your eyes.

Ready, everyone?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪

Mummy...

Okay, one more time.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Hap... ♪

It sounds like they're having technical difficulties over there.

Technical shmechnical. They're trying to sabotage my birthday.

I'll go talk to them. It's my gift to you.

- I might be awhile. - You're not seeing Stu.

I'll take care of it. The Mills have ruined our lives enough.

That's my hero. You go get them, Mahesh.

So, this was the first time you talked to Jimbo

since your ill-fated hunting trip.

Yes. I tried to avoid him but I had to save my wife's birthday.

I love my wife more than anything.

Love makes you do crazy things, doesn't it, Mahesh?

It was just supposed to be a conversation. I didn't think it'd turn out like that!

Mahesh, what happened that night had to happen.

It all happened so fast.

This ends now.

Here. Some miscreant kicked over your scarecrow.

I've been trying to reach you, bud.

I hate how we left things after that hunting trip.

Did you get that dancing hamster GIF I sent?

I wouldn't know. I put your contact on Do Not Disturb.

Didn't block me, though, huh? There's still hope.

No hope. I'm here to ask you to turn down the music.

Well, that's the thing.

Here's your problem. The entire system is overloaded.

The DJ blew it out. I think he's on drugs.

I can't feel my fingers!

Can you fix it?

Of course, I'm an engineer. But I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this to save Sudha's birthday.

Tell her happy birthday from me. What'd you get her?

A plaque that says "co-president."

Sounds like your rocket business is coming along.

Mm, no, I'm about to lose my Space-X contract

because I can't make the delivery.

Bummer. Anything I can do?

Yes. Get me pliers, a ladder and a root beer, no ice.

WTF, your dad is here. Where are you?

I know, sucks. I'm still coming. XO Phantom.

Hot. XO Christine.

Ah!

Help me get revenge on my nemesis.

Sorry, I'm too busy not wanting to do that.

You swore a blood oath.

Says who?

A red string, red string!

A string? What am I missing?

It's called a rakhi, and sister's tie it onto their brother's wrists

- as a promise of protection. - Oh.

What a lovely tradition.

Not really. It started out as a patriarchal thing,

where sisters pretended to bless their brothers,

but really, they begged to be allowed back in the village

when they became widows.

So, you're mourning your dead husband

and your brother won't let you back in the village?

Why protect that jerk?

Because he was 11 and he needed help against a caca-faced punk.

Okay!

Meanwhile, I was dealing with my own caca-faced punk.

Shh! What's your father still doing over there?

The Monster Mahesh?

Good one, Mummy.

I'm going over to yank out all the circuit breakers.

Didn't Mrs. Mills banish you from their property?

Oh, you're right. If she sees me, she'll call the police.

It hurts my heart knowing my two favorite ladies don't get along.

It's not my fault, beta.

♪ My two favorite ladies They don't get along ♪

It's good.

It was not good. But my idea was brilliant.

I snuck into the Mills' party dressed as the Phantom.

Oh, hi! Great costume.

I almost got caught by Janice, but I didn't because she's an idiot.

Hold on. You're telling me Sudha broke into the Mills' house

in disguise, just to save her birthday?

Maybe it wasn't about her birthday. Maybe it was about this.

Dear Lord, the big "I." I feel like I'm gonna lose this bet.

Oh. Oh, you're definitely gonna lose. Tick-tock, rookie.

I gotta think more like her.

Boom! Uh-huh.

Where are Kamal and Bhanu?

I didn't want them seeing their little brother dragged off in handcuffs.

Why would they see that?

Because you're not telling me everything, Vinod.

Give me something good. Or else.

My sister stole a car to help fight my bully.

Ooh, felony!

It was just my parents' car.

Family car, family affair. Sounds risqué.

The drive was very risqué.

Hurry up, let's go. We need more eggs for the bully.

Let's rock!

Punch it, Bhanu.

Boom! I know you stole a car. Tell me everything!

Or else.

You got any games on your phone?

Boom! I know your sister stole a car. Tell me everything! Or else.

That was all Bhanu and Vinod. But it wasn't the only naughty thing they did.

What did they do? You can tell me. This is their shame, not yours.

Vinod even got his friends involved.

Wow. So many children.

Now, I don't know if I want to win that five dollars.

Incest, or no incest.

Bhanu led us down a dark path.

Grand theft eggs.

We are going to destroy that bully!

What are you doing?

Forgot my wallet, we have to steal it.

Vinod?

Ah, Mo and Willa. What a pleasure.

Hey, paper! College-ruled looks good on you.

Yeah.

What happened to you?

I got egged.

Poor, sweet boy. By who?

A bully. Want to come get revenge?

Hell, yeah.

Hey, you kids! Not so fast, paper!

What've you got stuffed under that costume?

- Just a very charming boy. - Mm.

Shoplifting is a crime.

Right. We know that's a costume. You're too hot to be a cop.

Thank you! But I am a cop.

And even if I weren't, you'd still be stealing.

Excuse me. Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Rani Mukherjee

with eyes you can get lost in for days?

No, not until right this second, handsome.

Here, you're free to go. And you know what, here's my badge number.

- Call me.

Oh!

Kamal! Kamal! Kamal!

Kamal told you that? He's not that smooth.

He puked on her shoes and she let us go.

But the real horror story was happening at the Mills' house.

I feel bad that your business is struggling.

I know I'm the last person you want advice from, but hear me out.

What if you could build your rockets for a whole lot cheaper?

When I rebuilt the Hemi on my truck, I ordered bootleg parts online.

Pennies on the dollar.

Are you suggesting I buy bootleg rocket parts on the Internet?

Pennies. On. The dollar.

Let me tell you how that email would go.

"Dear Unnamed Vendor I Found On the Dark Web,

I have an urgent need to purchase components for innocent space travel

that could easily be mistaken as components

for weapons of mass destruction. Please, accept my payment in Bitcoin,

and mail all parts directly to my home address

where I will be awaiting my arrest and execution.

Yours most sincerely, Mahesh Pradeep, Brown Man in America."

When you put it like that, it makes me feel like you don't like it.

While Mahesh was fixing the party, I was looking to destroy it.

Circuit breaker, circuit breaker...

Bingo.

A/C, dishwasher, heater...

Where is the switch to turn off the party?

Damn it!

Hello, Phantom.

Ooh!

Here comes Christine.

It was my birthday and I was stuck in a basement

with a redneck in a wedding dress. It couldn't get any worse.

S'up, sexy mama? Come and give me some love.

I was wrong, it got worse.

Come here.

So much worse.

Oh, I get it. You're making Christine work for it.

What gives, Bhanu?

My nightmare was about to become his nightmare.

Oh, I get it. You're the Phantom, the Phantom's in charge.

Mm-hmm.

I'm Christine. I'm an innocent virgin who's down to pound.

Take me, Phantom, take me now.

Mm-mm.

You kidding me? I shaved my pits for this.

I thought you finally wanted to make sweet, sweet love.

Why'd you even get baptized?

To discover Stu made your daughter get baptized,

just to have sex on your birthday, of all days,

must've made you want to kill Stu right then and there.

Why kill the fish when you can poison the lake?

Is that an Indian proverb?

No.

I call that a Sudha-ism.

- Can I use it? - No.

But with Stu, I didn't need Sudha-isms. He did all the work, himself.

Do you even like me anymore?

This was getting better and better.

- You breaking up with me? - It was too good to be true.

- There's someone else, isn't there? - He was such a moron.

Could I be a Ninja?

He couldn't stay on topic to save his life.

Can I get my flannels back?

You know what, I don't care. Keep my flannels.

I got hotties lined up around the block for me.

Today, at the Waffle House, the waitress gave me extra syrup. So.

Phantom!

The Pradeep kids were out in force that night.

with vengeance in our eyes and eggs in our hands.

We were gonna get that bully good.

Let's do this!

♪ Dead I am the one Exterminating son ♪

♪ Slipping through the trees Strangling the breeze ♪

That was really mean!

You've taught me a lesson. I'm gonna rethink my life.

Bhanu, my loyal sister, thank you for honoring the sacred oath of the rakhi.

And Kamal, my peculiar brother, thank you for risking salmonella to help me.

Group hug?

Kamal, you need to take more showers.

Boom! I won the big "I."

You think a hug is incest?

I know it's desperate, I just really need the win.

I'll give you something better. Incest.

Mahesh had no idea Sudha had gone to the party.

Sudha, high off her victory over Stu wanted to celebrate with a little S&M,

Sudha and Mahesh.

Ooh!

I'm sorry, madam, I'm taken.

So am I.

Sudha! Is that you? What are you doing here?

Just shut up and kiss me.

- Holy hell!

Bhanu, are you banging your dad?!

Bhanu? What's he talking about?

And he was worried about going to jail for online rocket parts.

Honestly, I wish I was more shocked.

This is what happens when your Jesus is a cow.

- Oh, God. It's surging.

Don't touch any wires. It's very dangerous.

Jimbo, they're ruining my party.

It's the Phantom's fault!

They vanished!

- What a rush! - Why did you drag me out of there?

Now everyone thinks I'm an incestuous pervert

who also does shoddy electrical work.

Which one are you more upset by?

I don't know. I've been an engineer longer than I've been a father.

Bhanu and Stu are through, thanks to me!

Sudha, you've gone way too far.

This is the best birthday gift.

I was so wrong. I love Halloween.

This is madness.

Bhanu's gonna clear it up the second she sees Stu.

It doesn't matter. Every time he even thinks of touching her,

he's gonna picture her kissing you! How disgusting is that?

I've haunted him, Mahesh. I've haunted him forever.

That's crazy, even for you.

I was desperate. I tried everything to protect Bhanu.

Even .

Maybe it is crazy, but I don't want her to get hurt by Stu.

What if he doesn't hurt her?

What if he does? I could never forgive myself.

I love how much you want to protect her, and I do, too.

But we have to let Bhanu make her own mistakes.

Let her touch the stove to learn that it's hot.

And that's the tale of incest.

Well, I guess the Pradeep parents weren't the monsters Janice painted 'em out to be.

The kids, however, are much bigger monsters than we thought.

You said the hug was nothing.

The hug never happened. They lied to you.

But I found some interesting Ring footage from that night.

Ring footage? From where?

From that bully's house.

Whoa! Creepy.

Is that... Greg the garbage man?

Yep! And Greg's dropping a load.

Hey, Greg. Thanks for helping me.

Glad to. You know, these people suck.

They don't separate their recycling

and they throw out an alarming number of dead pets.

Oh, no. I thought you'd be dressed as someone from Star Trek.

Oh, I am. A little Trek trivia for you...

Mm-hmm.

The Michael Myers mask is William Shatner.

- Oh. - Yep.

Mr. Shat, himself.

Happy Halloween, little V.

Aye-aye, thanks, Greg. Get ready, everyone!

We're in position.

Move those sweet chocolatey treats, Vinod!

Here he comes! Here he comes!

What... What's with all this garbage?

- Rock, paper, scissors... - Shoot!

You missed!

Now, I'm gonna end you.

- Guess again! - Oh, crap!

Mommy! Stop! Stop! Okay, I'm allergic to egg whites!

It's why I've never been vaccinated!

That's for calling us names!

- Like cane boy! - And three-peat!

And dot-heads!

Here's a lesson. It's called karma.

That's dot-head for "fuck you!"

Ohh!

Look at them. They're like Children of the Corn.

That was hard to watch. Fish-eye lenses make me woozy.

Those Pradeep kids really have each other's backs.

You have no idea. They're bound together by a magic string.

- Magic string? - Yeah.

You need something to eat. Get yourself a Snickers.

I'm just saying there's nothing they wouldn't do to protect each other.

Wait a minute. Maybe egging the bully was just a dry run for something bigger.

Like burning down the Mills' house.

Gosh, after getting to know the Pradeeps, I really hope they're not guilty.

It'd be a shame to deport 'em. Especially Vinod.

I found this drawing under his chair.

Look how much that guy loves it here.

Cute. But don't let that cloud your judgment.

A lot of psychopaths doodle.

Hitler. John Wayne Gacy. My ex.

Plus, I think Vinod is Linda Hunt posing as an Indian boy.

Nothing else makes sense.

This is the best birthday I could wish for.

And it's about to get better.

Sudha Pradeep, co-president?

It's perfect!

Uh, hello? Why is my Phantom mask on the floor?

Uh, because I... because it, um... Help out your co-president.

Because I know you want to go out, and you can.

- After cake. - Really?

But, uh, Mahesh, no.

Let her touch the stove. It's how she'll learn.

Happy Halloween!

Yes!

Finally free. It's on! Heart, peach.

Sloppy daddy seconds? Pass.

What??

Don't text me again. You're blocked.

- Try some cake, my love. - Oh, Mahesh.

What have they done?

What have they done?

♪ My two favorite ladies ♪

♪ I love them very much ♪

♪ But my mother is my mother ♪

♪ And she feeds me 'Cause she's my mother ♪

Kamal, go to bed!

But take a shower first!

Next, on The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh...

I hear Janice Mills tried to flunk you out of school.

Looks like he's getting a... C.

The Indian F.

I had Mrs. Mills, she never graded this hard.

It's almost like she has a personal vendetta.

I didn't know he was an Internet celebrity.

Press that "like" button. Stu's out!

What a .

Stu! Stu! Stu!

If you want to date Stu Mills, date Stu Mills.

- Aah!

Ew, his nuts!