Original subtitles

Previously on the Pradeeps of Pittsburgh.

We arrived two years ago.

Welcome to America, "Pardips."

Vinod Pardeep from Ahmedabad, India.

I'm starting a firm to build components for rockets.

I'm going to be a garbage man.

Bhanu meeting Stu was the most cataclysmic moment

in the history of our family.

Five dead rabbits, five of us.

At least they died together as a family.

Someone here burned down your neighbor's house,

and if you can't convince us you're not guilty...

You'll all be deported.

Well, that's a buzzkill.

Put it in your mouth, baby.

- What does it taste like? - Salty.

I've never done this before.

It's not a crime. Just eat it, Bhanu.

But I'm Hindu. I can't eat beef.

- It's God. - Fuck your God.

And then Stu forced his dirty meat into my daughter's mouth.

- Case closed. - No. Okay, hold up.

My mom wasn't even there.

I willingly ate Stu's meat stick.

Your father is right here.

So, you burned down Stu's house as revenge for the jerky incident?

Remember, everything you say will be used in determining your possible deportation.

We are the victims. Stu made Bhanu eat God.

She claims to be mad at Stu, but she's actually mad at my dad

for bringing us to America.

She blames it all on that.

O.G. sin.

Okay. Where does all of this fall on the timeline?

I've got to get a good color for this.

Blue.

This was all about a week after we arrived.

I remember because it was our first day of school.

Also the day we met Stu's parents.

Big day.

Let's focus on that.

I was getting ready for school when an opportunity arose

to get better acquainted with my American community.

As a recent immigrant, it was my duty to foster cross-cultural relations

with that hottie-patottie.

I couldn't wait for Stu to drive me to school.

Stu's not driving you to school.

You're spying on my iMessages?

Damn family cloud.

I want my own account.

When you get your own money.

But let me be clear. Even if you become the world's richest woman,

you're not going to see Stu ever again.

Bhanu, is that one of my undershirts?

Yeah, I want to blend in,

unlike Kamal who looks like he's in line at Ellis Island.

- Okay. Can you drive me to school? - No. Take the bus with Kamal.

- My dayo deekro. - French kiss, Mommy?

Yes.

My family even ruined French kissing.

- Where's Vinod? - Waiting for a ride to school

on that garbage truck he met last week.

As we waited for the school bus,

I had no idea I was in store for the biggest shock of my life.

Sorry. I was just blinded by all the Caucasian-ness.

I mean, there were a lot of white people on that bus.

We sat in the back out of choice.

Sorry, Rosa Parks.

"Emergency door. To open, pull up."

What if I accidentally pull down?

Do we all die?

My dorky brother didn't make anything easier.

But then I saw another kid counting a wad of cash.

He was definitely up to no good.

That girl has a strange, nervous tic.

That's not a tic. I don't know what they call it here.

Penis rubbing.

Disgusting!

I'm reporting them.

Stop it, Kamal.

Sit down!

What are you doing?

Damn it! That's for emergencies!

This is an emergency!

That girl is rubbing that boy's penis!

We weren't even at school yet, and we were already pariahs.

My youngest brother, on the other hand, dude knew how to live.

Booyah!

How did this lead to Stu's parents?

At the time, we were debating on how to respond

to the dead rabbits left on our porch.

There was barely any debate.

Mahesh just buried his head in the sand.

Actually, she said, buried his head up his rectal cavity.

That's true.

I was trying to figure out what to do about our neighbors,

but Mahesh had already moved on.

I was going to go and look at my new factory space

then drive around, get a feel for Pittsburgh.

Want to come?

They say it's the Calcutta of Pennsylvania.

I'm sure it is. But, first, we need to confront

Stu's parents about those dead rabbits.

We haven't even met them yet

and you want to greet them with accusations of racism?

There's no accusation. He did it.

Do you take the blame for every dumb thing our kids do?

Vinod set his zipper on fire trying to burn off a string.

Yes, but that was funny.

This is terrorism.

So now what?

You want to take flowers to Stu's parents and give them a pot of curry?

Love thy neighbor.

You catch more flies with honey.

Mahesh, you want flies?

Go and look at those rotting dead rabbits

that neighbor's mushtanda has left on our porch.

The rabbits weren't still there. We got rid of them the previous week.

We? I got rid of the rabbits.

Mahesh couldn't. He's a dry-gagger.

It's medical.

As a doctor, I can confirm it's not medical.

Let's get back to the timeline leading up to meeting Stu's parents.

Kamal? Something to add?

No, thank you.

Let's take a break.

They're hiding secrets.

Definitely.

What do you think?

Let's go to the eye in the sky.

Smart call.

If they don't know we're watching, they'll spill their guts.

Yeah, they will.

They're not spilling their guts.

The kids are holding back. We need to split them from their parents.

Child separation?

No, I don't need Rachel Maddow calling me a monster.

I don't mean cages.

Just a few minutes alone so the kids can talk freely

without their parents breathing down their necks.

We can't trust anyone.

You talk like they're El Chapo.

I had a case where this sweet old lady was dragged into a situation

with six illegals living in her basement.

They bled her dry in a welfare scam.

But when I got the kids alone, they ratted out the adults to save their kid-asses.

Eventually, I found out that sweet old granny was in on it too.

Not Granny.

We need the Pradeeps to rat on each other.

They've been gone a while.

Maybe they went number two.

What?

So, kids, tell us more about your first day of school.

Where are our parents?

We just wanna chat with you like this.

Don't worry.

You won't be in a cage.

Cage?

Kamal.

No one should have to see what you saw on that bus.

I mean, the filthy depravity of America.

It affected me in dark ways.

And it led to bigger things, didn't it?

Mrs. Mills.

Tell me about Mrs. Mills.

She spoke like an angel.

Thou shalt not be slutty.

Thou shalt not say... or... or...

Now, before you say I just said them,

I suffered the sin of saying them so you won't have to, like Jesus.

My mommy would love you.

She calls rules "the bricks of morality."

I wish we could put the real Ten Commandments up.

But the libtards hate Jesus.

Then it happened. A feeling I've never felt.

I so badly wanted to trade places with that cross.

How it danced upon her bosom. It stirred me.

Mrs. Mills, this is an emergency.

That boy has a bony-bone.

Payback's a bitch. Lick me.

Okay. Thank you, Lexie.

Everybody settle down.

But in that moment, all I could think about was my mother.

It makes total sense.

He met a woman in authority who loved rules and also swore.

Mrs. Mills was like a trashier, gettable version of Mom.

Oedipal weirdo.

There's a piece missing that connects it all to a bigger puzzle.

What is it, Kamal?

Can we talk about something else?

Vinod went to school and did stuff.

Yeah, I got my first nickname.

It came from my first friends in America.

- What's up, Dumpster Boy? - Dumpster Boy?

I like that.

Was that a garbage truck you rolled in on this morning or your mom's underwear?

Booyah!

That made no sense.

But you delivered it with such passion.

Those weren't the only friends I made that day.

Hate to burst your bubble, Dumpster Boy, but they were crapping on you.

Are you sure?

They call me "Cane and disAble."

I can only imagine what they call me behind my back.

I assume it's not Moshe Lipschitz.

That sounds very disrespectful too.

That's my real name.

Oh, sorry.

They call me "Threepeat" because I st-stutter.

I'm Willa.

Hi, Willa. Hi, Moshe Lipshitz.

Call me Mo. As in Mo and Willa.

We're a power couple.

Oh!

I'm Vinod Pradeep.

And I'm not going to let any name-calling

ruin my first day of American junior high.

- Nerd!

That bully also spat on me.

Vinod, I think maybe you're telling us

about being bullied on the first day of school

because your family was going through the same thing at home?

Must have built resentment.

Made you want to burn something down.

Like Firestarter.

That was a kid.

That was also a movie.

Anything good happen first day of school?

I mean, you guys have any fun?

May I see you by the whiteboard?

Why?

I need you to show me the tilt thing.

We're trying to find out if this day led to Stu's parents

and you're asking them if they had fun?

Oh, loosen this knob? Oh, I see.

I'm going off my gut here. I think there's more happening than just arson.

It's my pleasure.

Your passive-aggressive whiteboard theater was like watching our parents.

But to answer your question, my first day of school

was pretty Gucci.

I caught a drug dealer.

Drug dealer? This calls for a purple marker.

As I roamed the halls, I found out our principal

had a hard-on for sting operations.

Do another surprise locker check.

Hopefully, this time we'll find real coke and not stevia.

This inside scoop connected me to the criminal element

of Allegheny Hills High School.

It's darkest underbelly

named Trevor.

Namaste. Drug business going well?

Sorry, I'm nosy. It's how I connect.

What are you talking about?

And who even are you?

I bet you can afford your own iCloud account.

Lucky bastard.

Try living under the tyranny of a shared family plan.

Why don't you share that with your family? Because I don't give a shit.

I heard the principal talking about surprise locker checks,

you should probably clear yours out.

You know, because of all the drugs.

They just did locker checks and all they got me for is stevia.

Let's cut the crap.

I heard the subtle rattle of pills in your pocket

and you have toilet paper on your shoe.

Which, one, gross and, two, means

you were just in the boys bathroom dealing.

Loving the sleuth vibe, but get off my dick.

Just trying to help.

Jai Shree Krishna.

After I dropped the hammer on Trevor,

I had another guy all over my dick.

Normally, I don't like to break rules.

Who am I kidding? I love to break rules.

You hated Stu, but your daughter couldn't get enough.

Must have built resentment.

It must have made you want to burn something down.

Okay, you got me.

Here's my confession.

I, Sudha Pradeep, am 100% guilty of making you look like a clown.

The only thing burning was my son's loins. It haunts me to this very day.

Trauma dies in sunlight. Let it out, Mahesh.

I was innocently soaking my feet

because of all the hang nails I get from winter boots.

Sudha.

How should I know where the nail clippers are?

Kamal had them last.

Sudha.

Hey, don't say that about your son. It's mean.

I was only cranky because I had been too lax with my regular foot care.

But I wasn't ready for what came next.

Kamal, I need my nail clippers.

Put it away! Put it away!

All of it!

What is this noise?

I just saw a spider.

A big one. It was very chunky.

Wait a minute.

Flushed cheeks, the smell of pheromones.

Tissue? Hmm. Laptop.

Who is Janice Mills?

My English teacher.

I know it's immoral.

Kamal, what you were doing was almost completely normal.

Those feelings happened to you too?

His first time was after he touched a cow udder.

I told you that in confidence, Sudha.

What happens on the farm stays on the farm.

I'm confiscating your laptop for two weeks.

What?

He needs his laptop for homework.

I think we should discuss this.

Oh? Now you want to discuss things?

I should have equal say.

Equal say? Are you kidding me?

Mahesh Ranchhodlal Pradeep, you are so bloody--

I feel this is about something else.

It's about everything else.

Us moving here with no equal say from me.

Having to wait for my medical career with no equal say from me.

Ignoring those dead rabbits with no equal say from me.

You're right.

You should have equal say.

How do you want to deal with Kamal?

I'd rather deal with the dead rabbits.

Good. I was hoping you'd say that.

Challa.

I really do appreciate you coming with me.

I want to support you. Always.

Why did I have to come?

Because you can't be left alone with tissues and no supervision.

She's right.

Hey, there.

You the new Indians on the block?

Guilty.

Sudha and Mahesh Pradeep.

- Jimbo. - Who is it, hon?

AGT is on and there's a guy juggling birds.

Oh, Kamal!

This is the new kid I was telling you about.

- Mrs. Mills? - Your teacher is Stu's mother?

Oh... me.

Well, praise be.

I had no idea you lived here.

He looks pale.

Which is saying something.

Oh! Are you chilly? Do you need a sweater?

Here, take mine.

Honey, put the twins away.

The little guy can't handle it.

Oh, it is chilly out.

Go calm down over there, beta.

It's nothing like that.

Things are just a little scrambled up there.

I'll go check if he's okay.

I'm sorry.

What was your name again?

Doctor Pradeep.

Oh.

"Doctor" is what I call the fella who fingers my prostate.

Doesn't feel very neighborly.

Neighborliness is actually what I've come to talk about.

Your son threatened our lives.

Well, that's crazy.

Stu is as sweet as can be.

He left dead rabbits on our porch

after I caught him trying to have sex with my daughter.

I think I'd notice if our son was messing around with some disgusting...

Indian girl?

Dead rabbits, silly.

I have proof.

Stay here.

That boy does not look right.

How does your mother calm you down?

She puts my head in her lap, strokes my hair, and French kisses me.

That's disturbing.

It's not what you think. He means the way the French kiss.

Right, with passion and tongues.

No, it's not like that. It's...

It'll be easier if I just show you.

You classy son of a bitch!

Want me to get your boy a Bud? Take the edge off.

Kamal's 15.

- My bad. Bud Light? - No, thank you.

But thank you.

Wait till they get a load of these furry little treats.

Kamal, go home.

Pants on, laptop closed.

Five dead rabbits.

You kept them?

Yes, I put the evidence in our freezer.

I keep my mango ice cream in there.

You okay there?

I'm a dry-gagger. It's medical.

No, it's not.

Stu would never do this.

How can you be so sure?

We're Christians.

Yeah. We taught Stu to love thy neighbor and shit.

That's what I told Sudha.

You're siding with them?

We held hands.

I'm simply saying it's a good idea to have good relationships with our neighbors.

Bible says the same.

It also says, "Love thy wife."

You're thinking, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

You hear that, bud?

Keep your eyes off my gal's sexy badonk.

So, this badonk is equally off limits.

I'm just lightening the mood.

Neither of us are going to be leering at your respective badonks.

Here's a Bible for you.

This is an unusually soft book.

Probably rabbit fur.

Jan-Jan makes her own Bible covers out of velour.

I call it VeLord.

This close to getting them on QVC.

Can we get back to what your son did?

Who knows what who did?

Me? I know your son did this.

I'm not sure what you folks do in your dealio,

but we Christians are all about forgiveness.

And maybe one day you can be Christians too.

It might help you with some of that rage.

My wife has zero rage unless you accuse her of having rage.

Would you say you're all here because of your mother's rage?

Yeah, mom's a rage monster.

Which she passed down to Bhanu.

But, you know, I live my life as a pacifist.

Which I currently regret.

You're not just saying that just to get out of trouble, are you?

No. Ask my friends.

All two of them.

Why are we the only ones sitting here?

We're outcasts.

Mo limps, I stutter, and you're Indian.

Move your dumb canes.

Someone's gonna break their legs and end up gimping around like you.

What are you l-l-l-looking at, Three-peat?

Good one.

I'd love to crack that guy over the head, but I don't want to bend my canes.

Our HMO co-pay is very high.

Violence is not the answer.

It is with that j-jerk.

I follow the way of this guy.

Anorexic Charlie Brown?

Gandhi.

Why carry money you can't use?

For inspiration.

So, you're weird in other ways too?

You really do belong with us.

Those who are at the bottom can always climb to the top.

Dude, read the room.

I'm not big on climbing metaphors.

I mean through peaceful resistance to bullying.

Oh! Pudding, anyone?

That's... up.

They can take away my pudding cup, but they cannot take away my dignity.

Here's your inspiration back, gorgeous.

Keep it. I want you to have it.

Little did I know, that moment created a love triangle for the ages.

I'm sensing a common thread here.

On the first day of school, all three of you sought connection.

You're trying to establish routes away from your parents.

I have a B.A. in Psychology.

I have a M.F.A. in Creative Writing.

Just as useless.

Let's get back to your mom, the rage monster.

I need an extra pudding cup for tomorrow.

I have a bully problem.

Me too, beta.

"Man shall not live by bread alone."

I think Jesus was talking about God's love.

But that's because poor Jesus never tasted Sudha's curry.

I didn't hear any of that because I was too busy leering at your badonk.

I'm sorry for earlier.

I didn't mean to side with the Mills.

I just believe in killing them with kindness.

Me too.

I'm making them a curry.

You're amazing. Can I have some?

No, it's for the Mills.

First class.

Did you make that with the dead rabbits?

Shh, shh. Chup.

You're not killing them with kindness.

You're just killing them.

No one's dying.

Maybe a little E. coli, but I know what I'm doing.

I'm a doctor.

But Papa ate some.

That's disgusting.

He chose not to listen to me, and now he's eaten a bunny.

Let that be a lesson.

The only lesson was that my mom was an aspiring murderer.

You were right. Splitting up the kids was the way to go.

And props to you for getting Vinod blabbing about his twisted mother.

He's quite the bean-spiller.

You know, something else struck me.

- Hmm? - Vinod's friend Mo.

- Cane boy. - There was a note in the report about

divot marks made on the Mills' lawn.

Maybe they were made by canes.

You think Vinod recruited his pals?

No, I-I-I'm just--

Assuming the worst about people? Attaboy.

So, you want to keep on with the kids?

Let's go talk to someone we haven't talked to yet.

Tell us about the jerky incident.

We want to hear your version.

I'm starving! Got any stupid snacks?

This stupid truck is disgusting.

It was my grandfather's.

I loved him dearly and cared for him through his dementia

because family is important to me.

What's this stupid thing?

A dried-up dick?

It's beef jerky.

My grandfather taught me how to make it.

The one who died.

Screw your dead grandfather.

I'm gonna eat it.

It'll really piss off my mom to know that I ate beef.

You know, it's God to Hindus.

No, Bhanu, don't compromise your values.

My mom is so controlling.

My mom's perfect.

She raised me so well.

Wow, that's a really glowing review of your son.

And yourself.

Well, as a Christian, I always speak the truth.

For example, I hate your blouse.

Let's keep that honesty flowing and less targeted at my wardrobe.

Sure. Now that's out of the way.

You should see how she drugs my brother.

Bhanu, doing drugs isn't cool.

You know what is cool?

Selling drugs and getting rich, bitch.

Then I can get my own phone plan

so my non-Christian, pagan mom can't spy on me.

Hold the phone. You're saying Bhanu was a bad influence on Stu?

Oh, that girl's the devil, just like her mom.

"Devil." Red marker.

All right.

How'd that rabbit curry go down?

Oh, it went down fine, but it came out mad and fast.

I had to buy a new mattress.

The trials of Job for his anus.

That was the least of it.

Bhanu Pradeep got my son banned from Ohio.

What happened in Ohio?

Something very, very illegal.

You have no idea the trouble

their daughter got our poor Stu into.

So you saw the light at the end of the tunnel?

The light was the headlight of an oncoming train

about to splatter our brains all over the tracks.

Next on The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh.

I'm in this great book club.

- Sudha? - What is she doing here?

- You know Janice? - She's my mortal enemy.

Boys, I've signed you up for American sports.

I'm your boy's B-ball coach. Raw-dog it, boy!

Your bro's meds are selling like hotcakes.

I've got a business proposition for you.

Did you know your daughter was doing drug deals with Stu Mills?

It was like "Bhanu and Clyde."

Shut up and drive!

Yes, ma'am.