Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

(Sam) This is the city. San Francisco.

Home of Chinatown, trolley cars and me, Sam Spade.

Famous film noir detective and notary public.

I'm honing my skills for the Venezuelan

tiddlywinks competition.

Lucky for me, it's a slow week here.

(woman on phone) 'Sam, I've gotta see you right away. It's urgent.'

[woman screams]

(man on phone) 'Spade, we're coming for you.'

(Don) 'Mr. Spade, I have an offer for you that you can't refuse.'

Ahh, they can wait.

(Granny on phone) 'Um, Sam Spade?'

'I understand you need a temp detective'

'while you're at that tiddlywinks contest.'

'Well, I'm your man. Uh, woman, Granny.'

Granny?

[theme music]

♪ Whenever there's a crime or trouble ♪

♪ That no one can solve at all it seems ♪

♪ That's when they come and on the double ♪

♪ Sylvester and Tweety mysteries ♪

♪ It might be day or night whenever ♪

♪ Conditions are right for them to flee ♪

♪ Somehow it all still fits together ♪

♪ Sylvester and Tweety mysteries ♪

♪ If there's a full moon an old house with rotten stairs ♪

♪ Just look around you ♪

♪ Chances are we'll be there ♪

♪ Some day I'll eat that darn canary ♪

♪ And then I'll be happy yes siree ♪

♪ But Hector thinks you should be wary ♪

♪ Sylvester and Tweety mysteries ♪

♪ The chase goes on with each new mission ♪

♪ With backdrops a-plenty globally ♪

♪ And through it all they're in contention ♪

♪ Sylvester and Tweety

♪ Mysteries ♪♪

[dramatic music]

[airplane whirring]

San Francisco, the place Tony Bennett left his heart.

I got a hankering for a little canary heart myself.

[chuckles]

[grunts]

[tires screeching]

[hissing]

I knew we should have sprung for business class.

Whee!

[howls]

Ha, ha!

[screams]

[grunts]

[dramatic music]

[Sylvester and Hector grunt]

[Sylvester and Hector yelping]

Honestly, boys, you shouldn't shed on people's bags.

(Granny) 'Really, now. I know all about film noir'

but this is overdoing it.

[gasps] And I thought notary publics were neat.

Well, if I'm gonna cover Sam's cases, I'd better straighten up.

Oh, boy, dinner is dangling.

[dramatic music]

(Sylvester) Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Bad kitty. Now you go down there and bring back Tweety.

[trolley jingling]

Over the lips and past the gums.

Look out stomach, here it comes.

[whimpers]

Phew! Talk about deus ex machina.

[chomping]

[knock on doo]

Sam, my darling, you must help me.

I-I believe you've mistaken me for someone else.

Oops. Sorry. I'm Miss, uh, Smith..

...a chance acquaintance of Mr. Spade.

Oh, I'm Granny.

I'm filling in for Sam while he's out of town.

Can I help?

The reason I'm here is I've lost

a most valuable, uh, knickknack.

That's it. Where did you find that bird?

Why, that's Tweety.

- I've had him for years. - Oh?

He looks surprisingly similar to the one I've, uh, misplaced.

- Where is he? - Well, actually..

I've recently, uh, misplaced him myself.

I see.

[panting]

Exact change, please.

[screams]

Joel Ferrett. What are you doing here?

Not that I ever saw you before in my life.

May I help you, Mr. Ferrett?

I'm looking for Mr. Spade.

I've, uh, misplaced a rather valuable.. Huh!

That's it, the Maltese canary.

Wow! For a temp, you're really on the case.

The Maltese canary?

And now a San Francisco Tweet.

Ooh, I hate gravity.

Here's the deal, Granny.

You find my bird, we split the reward.

I thought we were splitting the canary cash.

Sit down, Miss Jones.

Miss Jones? You told me your name was Smith.

Well, actually, I'm a hyphenate.

My name is Jingleheimer-Schmidt.

(Granny) Sylvester, any luck finding Tweety?

[hiccups]

- Tweety. - The bird.

[grunting]

- Get your paws off my bird. - It flies.

Do you have any idea how much the Maltese canary is worth?

Neither do I, But it's at least a kazillion dollars.

'I tell you what, I'll go halfsies.'

Hold it. You promised me halfsies.

Hey, there's enough for everyone.

(Dough Guy) 'That bird is worthless.'

'It's the jewels underneath that ugly yellow pain'

'that I'm after. All I have to do is scrape.'

all gasp]

Did somebody say..

[gulps] "Scrape?"

- The Dough Guy. - The Dough Guy?

- He-he-he-he. - It's the Dough Guy.

You can call me Mr. Greenstreak.

And I believe this bird is mine, ha.

Kindly unhand that canary, sir.

Hey, watch the feathers.

Ow!

Got it.

Huh?

[dramatic music]

thud

Huh?

[grunts] I am stuck.

- Follow that bird. - I saw him fly in here.

He's in here someplace. Wait a second.

- I meant to say here or w-- - Check over here.

Wait a second. I'm in charge here.

If anyone can find Tweety, you can, kitty.

I'll stall these clowns till you get back.

My dear lady, don't open that window. The bird might get out.

Oh! When a cat's got to go, a cat's got to go.

[banging]

Anyone care for some tea?

(Sylvester)' I can't see a thing in this ponderous pea-soup'

'p-p-precipitation.'

'Tonight's dessert is canary custard.'

Ooh, look. Ghirardelli Square.

Ooh, look. The Transamerica tower.

Fisherman's Wharf.

Aha!

Oh, look, family. Here's a local. Take our picture, mister.

(all) Cheese.

[dramatic music]

[Sylvester screams]

Don't worry, pussies always land on their feet.

[water splashes]

Usually.

[coughing]

No cats allowed on Alcatraz.

[laughs]

That Charles de Gaulle was some party animal.

[snoring]

[yawns]

Huh?

I say, shouldn't someone be out looking for the canary?

[chuckles]

Not yet.

You haven't seen my Jersey shore slides

of Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

[sighing]

[panting]

Oof! I'm getting too old for this.

[yells]

Give me a P. Give me a U. Give me a D-D-Y.

Well, now, how about a little Pearl Jam?

Stop it. Stop it.

Let me out of here.

We can't get out.

The fat guy's blocking the door.

That's Dough Guy, Miss Whatever-Your-Name-Is.

And have you considered using the fire escape? Heh, heh.

(female #1) 'Let me try the jaws of dough.'

What?

Hm. "Paloma." That means pigeon.

Surely a fellow feathered friend would offer refuge to a brother.

Ahh, ahh.. Ach.. Tweety!

[dramatic music]

I got you now, you insidious, sniveling s-songbird.

I suppose you find my tail amusing, huh, pussycat?

Your tail? Whoops. Heh, heh.

You see, I was looking for a canary.

What are you, the exterminator?

I can't have canaries in a fog factory. They gum up the works.

Tourists need fog. They expect it.

Hey, you listenin'?

[fog machine chugging]

[fog machine shuts]

Huh?

Oh, now look what you done.

[growling]

[dramatic music]

[mellow music]

[screaming]

[whimpering]

[thudding]

[grunting]

[clanging]

[grunts]

[hissing]

[groans]

Hmm? Ah!

[yells]

[growls]

[dramatic music]

Ha! Yes!

Now what? I never got this far before.

Lose my job for me, will you?

[Sylvester yelping]

No. No.

Oh, come now.

If you don't lose that spare tire

we'll have to make another door.

[grunting]

Goodness, Sylvester. What took you so long?

[giggling]

[panting] Give me the bird.

He's got the bird.

crash

- It's mine. - Give it to me.

(Dough Guy) 'Unwrap it, for heaven's sake.'

Don't worry, Tweety. You're safe here.

I'd like a second opinion.

Will someone please tell me why you're so anxious

to get my bird?

Ahh, the legend of the Maltese canary.

[clears throat]

I'd read it verbatim but my set of encyclopedias

is in my back pocket and my hands are in the front room.

Something tells me we're not reading

"The Bridges of Madison County."

(Dough Guy) 1539, Lord Viscera, the knight

presented the king of Malta with a jeweled canary

to replace the live one his cat, uh, misplaced.

[hiccups]

[dramatic music]

(Dough Guy) The bird remained in Malta until the 1800s

when the castle's treasure got stolen by pirates.

Argh.. Yee-ow!

[growls]

(Dough Guy) The bird was, uh, misplaced.

Except for a few undocumented garage sales

it was not seen again until the early '50s.

And now it's time to play You Bet Your Bird.

Say the secret word and you win.

And today's secret word is..

Ha!

Concussion.

The show was canceled shortly thereafter

and the bird never seen again, heh, heh, until now.

I-I-I've devoted my life to finding that bird.

And eating. Heh, heh.

I heard that.

What makes you think it's the same bird?

Because there is only one Maltese canary

heh, heh, and it's mine.

- It's mine. - I found it first.

- No, you didn't. - I did so too.

- Annoying little man. - It's mine, it's mine.

(Ferrett) 'You're stepping on me.'

I just remembered my orthodontist's appointment.

- 'The canary!' - 'It's getting away.'

- Somebody stop it. - Stop it.

(Granny) Only one Maltese canary you say?

And they're having a sale.

It's here. I know it is.

There they are, officers.

I'm innocent, I say. Get your hands off me.

Let me go. I'm innocent, I tell you.

They may be criminals but you gotta admire their taste in art.

Sorry to startle you, sweetheart

but this is the only way in.

There's a fat guy blocking the door.

- That's Dough Guy. - H-he was just leaving.

- How was the championship? - Beautiful, sweetheart.

- I won again. - 'Isn't that lovely!'

Okay, officers, let her rip.

[grunting]

This is the stuff dreams are made of.

That bird is out there somewhere

and I'm going to find it if it's the last thing I..

Hey, isn't that..

Suffering cellulite. He was a big..

[screaming]

Somebody had to take the fall, tweetheart.

[theme music]