All language subtitles for Splitting.Heirs.1993.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[ Man Narrating ]
People said there was a curse
on the dukes of Bournemouth.

The seventh duke
lost all his hair in a bet.

In 1640, the fifth duke,

while on a drinking spree,

went to church on a cow
and set fire to the choir.

He fled to France, where he
lived and subsequently died...

under the illusion
that he was a footstool.

The ninth duke
married his horse...

and scandalized society
by riding his wife at Ascot,

where she came third
in the second race.

In the 1920s,
the 12th duke was present...

at the opening of the tomb
of King Tutankhamen.

In the excitement
which followed,

he was accidentally bitten on
the buttock by a deranged donkey
and died three days later.

Forty years later,
the 14th duke...

became a victim
of the '60s.

He didn't die
but married an American--

A model, Lucinda--

Who in those days
called herself
"Available Space."

[ Baby Crying ]
[ Champagne Cork Pops ]

They had a baby,
who would one day become
the 15th duke cf Bournemouth.

They christened him simply...

Thomas Henry
Butterfly Rainbow Peace.

[ Woman ]
Why don't we go to the--
[ Indistinct ]

[ All Chattering ]

He was accidentally abandoned
in a restaurant--

left behind, like a tip.

[ Man ]
♪ I was so happy
all of the time ♪

♪ With my baby
I was oh-so-fine ♪

Oh, my God!
We've forgotten the baby!

Oh, shit.

[ Narrator]
By the time they remembered him,

he had disappeared
in his Moses basket...

with only a monogram blanket
and a silver rattle.

Uh, darling,
do you remember
the baby's name?

The curse of the Bournemouths
had struck again.

[ Man ]
♪ Someone came
and stole my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my whole life away ♪

♪ I was so happy
all of the time ♪

♪ With my baby,
I was oh-so-fine ♪

♪ But you came right along
and knocked me for a song ♪

♪ You took everything
that should be
mine, mine, mine, mine ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my happiness away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Now somehow that someone's
gonna have to pay ♪

♪ I lost my baby
when he stepped in ♪

♪ He took my life
and everything ♪

♪ He stole my baby
Now I'm so blue ♪

♪ Tell me what
to do-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came
and stole my happiness today ♪

♪ He came along
He did me wrong ♪

♪ Now my whole life's
gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my whole life away ♪

♪ He's gonna have to pay
someway ♪

♪ He's gonna have to pay
someday ♪

♪ Yes, he's gonna
have to pay ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪

[ News Anchor On TV]
More reports of the puma...

that has been terrorizing
residents living on
the Bournemouth estate.

Police are warning--
Gita, turn that off.

You'll be late for school.
Now go to the bathroom and wash.

I can't, Mum.
Ranji's in there.
Still?

What does he do
in there?

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

Ranji, come out
of there at once.

[ Man, Foreign Language ]

Ranji, you'll be
late for your work.

Ranji Patel,
come out here at once.

All right, Mum.
I'm sorry.

Bye, everybody.

[ All ]
Bye, Ranji.
See you later.

Ah.
[ Foreign Language ]

[ Narrating ]
I too suffered from
the curse of the Bournemouths.

I work for them.

My name's Tommy Patel,
and I grew up here,
in Southall.

Every day, I commuted
from our little corner shop...

to my city job, where I worked
as a commodities broker...

on the trading floor
of Bournemouth & Bournemouth.

Yeah. Nigel, no.
Don't go higher than
quarter of a million.

Honestly, I promise you.
It'll never
go higher than that.

Believe me.
Trust me. Okay, bye.

Angela, where the hell
is that coffee?
It's coming!

Well, it should be
here now.
Yes, master.

Come on, girl.
Pull your finger out.

What have you been
sitting on all weekend?

May I remind you
of sexual harassment
in the workplace?

Very sweet of you,
but darling, I'm
far too busy right now.

I saw that.

Don't have to worry
about me, dear. I'm bisexual.

Whenever I want sex,
I have to buy it.

[ Man ]
Patel.

- I've got a job for you.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Andrews.

I can't possibly. I'm right
in the middle of a deal.

Yes, obviously. Just drop it.

I want you to meet
this very important American...

and show him round
for a few days.

- I'm far too busy, sir.
- That is an order
from the chairman.

This is a V.I.P. from New York.
I want you to hold his hand
and show him London.

- Why me?
- Because I don't like you.

Bugger it up and
you'll be out of a job.

Great.

Excuse me.
Could you help me, please?
I want Conduit Street.

Hah.
I'm trying to find
Conduit Street.

Conduit Street.
Yeah.

Uh, see the light?
Yeah.

Now--

Morning.
Morning, gents.

Morning.

Conduit Street?

Get a taxi.

[ Humming ]
Comin' around.

Morning. Morning.

Whoa.

[ Grunts ]
I'm sorry. Oh!
You all right?

I don't know who you are,
but this is not
a skating rink. Okay?

I'm Henry Martin.
I was just following the line
in the marble. It's so smooth.

Follow the line
in the marble right outside.

There's a little kiddies' park
over there where you can play--

I'm from the New York
office, and I'm supposed
to meet somebody here--

Oh, hi!
I'm meeting you.
I'm, uh-- I'm Tommy Patel.

Oh, hi, Tommy.
I love the skates.

Thanks.
This marble is so smooth.

I've been on cobblestones
and bridges all morning.

I don't know if these things
are gonna catch on here,

because you really
should be sober to do it,

but these are gonna
revolutionize commuting.

I beat the Tube.
I beat the traffic.

There's no parking fees.
You wanna try them?

Hey! You.

It's all right, Jobson.
He's with me.
I thought he might be.

Hello, Jobson.

Oh, my God.
It's you, sir.

Didn't expect
to see me, huh?
No, I did not.

Well, I'll be around
for a while, so--
So-- Oh, ho.

How nice. Well, I'll
leave you with Mr. Patel.

Good luck.

Okay.
Let's get to work.

Go upstairs
to petty cash.
Get £200.

You hungry?
Yes.

Get about £300, okay?
What's the name of the pub
across the street?

It's The Dick?
The Dickhead. The Dick?

The Richard I I I.
Richard I I I!

Go upstairs,
get the money...

and I'll meet you
across the street in the pub.

At the pub?

[ Men Singing ]
♪ It's a long way to go ♪

♪ It's a long way
to Tipperary ♪

♪ To the sweetest girl
I know ♪

♪ Good-bye, Piccadilly ♪

♪ Farewell, Leicester Square ♪♪

Tommy! It's my mate Tommy.
Say hi.

[ All Shouting ]

- Hello. Hi.
- You got the money?

- Yes, I've got 300 cash.
- Give it to Mona, would ya?

What?
Thanks, babe.

"Lies there"?
[ Arguing ]

- What else you got for me?
- Uh, I got some
theater tickets.

Wait, let me guess.

Cats, um,
Les Mis and, uh--

What's the one
with the helicopter?

Mrs. Saigon.
Mrs. Saigon.

- Yeah.
- Great.

Who needs a pair?
Who needs a pair?
Couple of stalls.

Unobstructed views
of the chopper.

Ah, you, sir. Yes, sir.
Fine. Enjoy yourself.

It's kind of
a Sound of Music
meets Platoon.

Look at that. 50 quids, huh?
Come on. Let's see a show!

♪♪ [ Hip-hop, Muffled ]

[ Henry ]
Now she was a great Hamlet.
[ Tommy ] Sure.

I just don't remember
the banana scene in Hamlet.

Sort of a tropical
interpretation.

I'll tell you,
if Shakespeare were alive
today, he would die.

[ Slurring ]
♪ Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling ♪

♪ Oh, my darling
Clementine ♪

♪ Thou art lost and-- ♪♪

Look at that.
Look at that view.

[ Laughing ]
I feel great.

[ Man ]
171.50. Two million pounds.

[ Man #2 ]
I'm gonna buy two million pounds
at 171.50.

You all right?
No.

What happened to you then
last night?

He did.

Morning, fellas.
Morning.

Hey, Gordon.
Maxine.

Uh-oh.

[ Crashing ]

Patel.

There is
some money missing
from petty cash.

Ah. Uh, yes, sir.
I can explain that, sir.

Did you take £500?
Mmm, no, sir.

- No?
- No, sir.

- [ Mouths Words ]
- N-N-N-- Yes, sir.

Yes, I took--
I took £300, sir.

Three?

[ Tommy ]
Three.

Plus two equals--

Uh, equals fi-- five.

I took £500, sir.

Um, what did
you want it for?

Uh, it-- it was
for the barmaid.

It was, uh-- No.
It was for the, um--

The ba--
the ba-- ba--

It was for the, uh--
for the bar mitzvah.

- The what?
- Uh-- [ Stammering ]

It was wa--
[ Stammers ]

[ Mumbling ]

[ Slowly ]
I... borrowed... it.

- I borrowed it, sir.
- Oh, I see.

And you will see
the chairman first thing
on Monday morning,

and I shall recommend
that you're fired.

Wait. I can explain
everything, sir.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
Bloody Henry.

After all those years
of crawling at the office,
he'd got me fired.

[ Thunderclap ]
It was back
to the corner shop.

But the Hindu gods
were smiling on me,

for that weekend,
fate kindly intervened.

My boss, the chairman
and 14th duke of Bournemouth--

...or else you're finished!
[ Screams ]

Fell off
the back of his yacht.

The curse of the Bournemouths
had struck again.

Good luck.

When I reported
for dismissal on Monday,

there was a new chairman.

[ Cackles ]

Hello, Tommy.
Guess who's a duke.

Holy shit!
You are--

The 15th duke
of Bournemouth. Moi.

My God!

You lucky bastard!

Congratulations.
Thanks, man.

Sorry about your father.
Oh.

Well, he was
a mean son of a bitch.

I never really
got to know him.

He was uptight
and emotionally dead,
like all Brits.

Oh, no offense.

But you're American.
Mum's American.

Sent me to school
in the States.

Didn't want me growing up
a masturbating wreck
from an English public school.

Whyever not, if you're
gonna be a duke?

Tommy, just because
I've been made a duke...

doesn't mean anything's
gonna change between us.

Get my drink, would ya?

Hmm. Hmm?

Here you are, sir.

What the bloody hell
are you doing in here?

- Ah, here we go.
- You're both fired.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, dear.
Uh, shall I tell him?

No, I should tell him
really, I guess.

Oh, please,
can I tell him?

Mr. Andrews, this is
the new duke of Bournemouth.

- But you're a Yank.
- And you're history.

- I'm what?
- You're fired.

[ Snaps Fingers ]
[ Henry ]
Good-bye.

[ Tommy ]
Bye. Don't slam the door.

[ Henry Cackles ]
Come on. Let's have a drink.
Let's celebrate.

Congratulations, sir.

You can kiss ass
later, Brittle.

Thank you, sir.

[ Henry ]
Tommy, this is
my ancestral home.

[ Tommy ] What, Harrods?
[ Henry ] Oh, no.
This telephone booth.

Cheers.
Still don't
understand.

Mmm. Read this.

"The Bournemouth baby
disappeared in his
Moses basket...

with only
a monogram blanket
and a silver rattle."

I am the Bournemouth baby.

Oh.

"A few days later,
the baby was found...

in a telephone booth
outside Harrods."

This is my first home.
Now it's my fourth.

Well, no, fifth if you include
the south of France.

There's the apartment
in New York too, but it's
not much bigger than this.

"The baby was found
in his Moses basket."

Mummy still has
that Moses basket.

Pity though.
Somebody stole the rattle.
Solid silver, 1748.

All right, you two.
What's goin' on?

Ah, Officer.
We've decided to have
dinner in another booth,

but the service here
was fantastic.

He's the Bournemouth baby.

Henry, you're not
supposed to tip
policemen.

Well, I can't
give him a drink.
He's on duty.

[ Driver ]
Sleep tight, gents.

Oh. There it is.
Come on.

There's a step
over here now.
Where? Oh, thank you.

Drunk again, sir?

That's okay, Butler.
So are we.

♪♪ [ Indian ]

[ Tommy Narrating ]
I was incredibly hungover
at temple next day...

and very late for
Henry's father's funeral.

♪♪ [ Chorus: Chorale ]

[ Whispers ]
Excuse me.
Is this seat free?

[ Clattering ]

Psst. Tommy.

I got a seat
for you here.
Shh!

Excuse me.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay.
You haven't missed
anything yet.

You know what?
I don't think
I'm gonna come in.

Oh, don't be shy.
Come on.

I'm not really
dressed for this.

Look at the way he's dressed.
Come on, come on.
You'll have a great time.

[ Henry ]
Yes, I know. Thank you, General.
It really is a shame.

Anyway, look.
There's football on
in the lounge if you get bored.

Folks, this way.
Hi, Cybil. Hats over there.

Tea upstairs--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Mmm. Mmm. Yes.

[ Mouths Words ]

So she says, "I'm not gonna
hold anything that rough
without gloves."

[ Both Laughing ]

Want some? Loosen up!
Mingle! It's a party.

Anyway, they
start hiking--

Don't I know you?
No.

You sure look familiar.
Who are you?

I'm a friend of Henry's.

You remind me
of my late husband.
I do?

Of course, I haven't
seen you naked.
No.

He was hung
like a badger.

Really.
Is that good?

Only if you're
a badger.

[ Woman ]
Mmm, you lucky boy.

She fancies you.

Really?
How can you tell?
She fancies everybody.

That's Henry's mother,
the black sheet of the family.

She took so many strokes
in the '60s, they called
her the U.S. Open.

A real man-eater.

But perhaps you like
being eaten.

[ Teacup Rattling ]

Kitty Farrant.
Ah, hi.
My name's Tommy Patel.

Pleased to meet you,
Mr. Patel.
Please. Call me Tommy.

No, I think "Mr. Patel"
will do for now.

I do love your flowers.
What are you,
an old hippie?

Uh, no.
No, I'm an Asian.
Oh, of course. Yes.

I spotted that
straightaway.

Blond hair, blue eyes.
Typical Asian.

Mm-mmm.

You're definitely for it.
Oh, I think that's
just a facial tic.

[ Chuckles ]
Excuse me.

Dreadful girl.
Her father's in beer.

Come.

So, we meet again.

Yes.
[ Chuckles ]

Look at them.
Don't the English
ever enjoy themselves?

Well, it is
a funeral.
It's not their funeral.

No. Oh, I'm sorry
about your husband.

You didn't have to
sleep with him.

His idea
of a good time in bed...

was three newspapers
and a cup of tea.

Uh, more tea, sir?

No, thank you.
He thought foreplay
was a kind of golf.

Really, a hot water bottle's
more fun in bed than most Brits.

It's a wonder
they ever reproduce.

[ Clears Throat ]

I must mingle.

If there's anything
you want, anything at all,

just ask.

Uh, they are
all counted, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry--
No need to explain.

I myself come
from the lower classes.

Oh, relax, would ya?
Keep the spoon.
I got thousands of them.

Hmph.
He's such a creep,
isn't he?

Where did you
get this, Ranji?

Henry gave it me.
It's nice, isn't it?

What's the matter, Mum?
You sick?

No. It's time I told you
certain things, Ranji.

Like what, Mum?

Like why you
don't like curry...

and why you don't
look like your father.

Ranji, you were adopted.

You're not really
a Patel.

You mean I'm not
really Asian?

No. I'm sorry.

Ranji, the agency
made us take you in...

because we needed
the money.

You mean
you were paid to take me?

Yes. Three pounds 10 a week.

Oh, great.

Ranji, when you came
from the agency,

you had only two possessions
in the world.

This monogram blanket
and this silver rattle.

Yeah. You're adopted,
all right.
See? That's you.

It says you were brought in...

by an anonymous woman
reeking of garlic.

Garlic?

She insisted you be adopted
by a member of
the working class...

to save you
from the curse of money.

- Oh, how very thoughtful.
- Yeah.

Here we are.
Indian family, name of Patel.

And the lawyer
who handled the case
was called Shadgrind.

- Shadgrind?
- Uh, Shadgrind and Shadgrind.

68-B Billingsgate Court.

- And the date?
- Fifth of June.

It's the same date.
Pardon?

- There's no doubt about it.
- What, sir?

I am the Bournemouth baby.

- You are a baby.
- I should be Henry!

[ Mutters ]

Delightful. Really.
You must have one of these.

Hmm?
Mmm!

[ Chattering, Stops ]

Your Grace.

My lords,
ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
the new duke.

[ All ]
The new duke.

Thank you.

Speech. Come on.
Speech.

[ Henry ]
Oh, no, no.

Excuse me.
I have to go throw up.
What?

Just a diet thing.
What?

First of all, let me say
how truly appreciative
I am that you are all here...

to tell you how wonderfully
comfortable I am...

in this,
my new humble home.

I'm really thrilled...

to know that this
is all... mine.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
They say it's
lonely at the top,

but it's a damn sight lonelier
at the bottom,

and I was tired
of being there.

I thought I'd do a little
checking up to see just exactly
what should have been mine.

Shit!

Hello, James.

It was definitely time
to seek legal advice.

Ah. So, you were
one of mine, were you?

Yes, I was.

So many of you orphans.
Unwanted children
all over the place.

People went sex-mad
in the '60s, you know?

Seemed to do it
just for fun.

Weird.

So, you believe yourself...

to be the duke
of Bournemouth, do you?

Yes. I'm absolutely
convinced of it.

Mm-hmm. Well, legally,
I'm afraid you haven't
a leg to stand on.

B-But-- But the blanket
and the rattle.

Ah-- Could have been stolen.

W-Well, the date.
It's coincidence.

Uh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Patel, but...

where is the present duke
supposed to have come from?

Well, he must have
been adopted.

And that's what you'd tell
the House of Lords Committee
of Privileges, is it?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Mr. Patel,
you cannot adopt a duke.

That is the whole point.

Of course, it would be
quite different if he died.

Why?

Well, you see,
three dukedoms...

have died out
in the past 10 years.

There's Newcastle,
Portland and Leeds.

And the House of Lords
don't like that, you see.

The House of Lords like
to keep the dukedoms
ticking along.

So if you turned up
out of the blue,

claiming that you
were the true heir,

you'd have
a pretty good case.

Yes. If--
If he was dead.

Oh, I see.

So, unless there's
an accident--

- A what?
- An accident.

I mean,
accidents happen,
don't they?

You know,
car crashes,
shooting accidents,

people falling
out of windows or...

drinking mercuric chloride
and brandy, which not only
conceals the taste...

but also makes subsequent
chemical detection
practically impossible.

That sort of thing.
You know, accidents.

- An accident.
- Mmm.

Still, not much
hope of that, is there?

- Uh, no. No, no.
- Of course, that's just
a legal opinion.

So, uh--

Big estate, is it?
Oh, yes, vast.

[ Sighs ]
Pity.
Well, good-bye.

Unless, of course,
anything happens, God forbid,
in the accident department,

in which case,
au revoir.

Thanks anyway.

A duke.

Should I look up, proudly,
to be admired by the people?

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Or down disdainfully
at the throng?

[ Clicking Continues ]

Why don't I give you
a few things?

Thank you, Your Grace.

Too much?
Not at all,
Your Grace.

That's wonderful.
Really?

Really good.
What do
you guys think?

You still look
like a dick.
A cute dick, though.

[ Chuckles ]
Take one of me
in front of the fountain.

Certainly, Your Grace.
Wonderful.

You know, I'm
the first duke under 5'6".
Really, Your Grace?

Except for the third duke,
who was beheaded.

Can you see the irises?
Yes, Your Grace.

Let's do one with the pumas.
No, let's do one with the house.

It's supposed to be a portrait,
not a real estate brochure.

An American duke.
You know how rare that is?

Yes. Oh, I'd give
anything to live here.

Yes, I'm sure you will.

Anybody feel like
a swim?

Yes, I'll swim, Henry.

[ Man ]
And this is the great hall
of Saddlers,

the ducal home
of the Bournemouths.

This is the family
coat of arms,

and there you can see
the distinctive puma,

which has been
the family emblem...

since the third duke, Tristram,
went to South America,

where he lost a leg
on safari.

Oh, very
careless of him.
[ Laughter ]

This picture over here
is Lady Virginia Martin,

who gave her all
for charity.

And this is
the long-suffering
Duchess Diana...

with her parrot.

And this is
Colonel Dicky Martin,

who, as a result of
a famous military operation,
became Mrs. Betty Young.

This is the register of
the births of the Bournemouths,

and here you can see
the latest heir,

Thomas Henry Butterfly
Rainbow Peace Martin.

[ Cameras Clicking ]

Good afternoon, everyone.

I'm Henry Martin,
the 15th duke of Bournemouth.

[ Woman ] Oh!
[ Henry ]
Now on other tours,

I know you don't get to see
a real duke, let alone meet one.

So this is your lucky day.
I want to begin by shaking
everybody's hand. Hello.

- [ Woman ] Hello.
- Just a little old custom
from back home in the States.

Don't be afraid. You're gonna
be able to tell all
your friends and families...

that you shook hands
with a real live duke.

Take a break, Watson.
Now, I'm gonna show you
parts of this house...

that are never before
seen on this tour.

Bitte--
I'll answer all the questions
in a little while.

But for now, follow me.

This is the white china
puma in here,

which is worth over £30,000.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

Oi!

Where are you going?

Come back!

Don't go in there!
They're private apartments!

Come back!

Bollocks!

[ Tommy Narrating ]
At last, the penny dropped.

The duchess
was my real mother.

[ Duchess ] Butler,
I'm just going for a swim.
Very well, Your Grace.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, Rainbow Peace.

My little Rainbow Peace.

Where are you?

One move and I'll
blow your balls off.
[ Whimpers ]

Please. Stop.

[ Glassware Crashing ]

Don't! No, wait!

Oh. Oh, why, Mr. Patel.
It's-- It's you.

Yes. Hello.

Um, I--
I was just, uh--

Um-- I was--

Relax. It's okay.
I know what you want.

- You do?
- Clear as the nose
on your face.

Oh! The nose.
Yes, I suppose it is.

You can tell a lot
by the nose.

I took one look at it
and I knew at once.

Ah. Well, that's great.

I'm so happy.
So what do we do now?

It's pretty obvious,
isn't it?
We're both adults.

You mean we go
for a swim?
[ Chuckles ]

Come on. Don't play
the little innocent
with me, darling.

L-I think I'm
missing something.
Oh! I'll be the judge of that.

Come on.
Let's do it now.
Do what?

Does nobody do it
in this damn country?
Get your pants off.

Stop!
Stop?

You can't just arouse a woman
and then yell stop,
even if you are English.

If you'll follow me through
this withdrawing room--

And I know what you're thinking,
but the origin of "drawing room"
is "to withdraw"...

because it is the room
to which you withdrew.

[ Yelps ]
Gotcha!

Oh!
[ Henry ]
Mummy?

Oh, my God.
It's Henry.
What?

Bitte--
One sec.
Mummy.

Ah. She's not there.
Come on in.
[ Man ] Oh.

These are the private chambers
of the duchess of Bournemouth,

never before seen
by you, the public.

Exciting, isn't it?

Now, I want
to show you something
absolutely fascinating.

[ Speaking German ]
What? Over there.

This is the very basket
in which I was lost
and found again.

I guess that kind of makes me
sort of the Moses of the English
aristocracy, wouldn't you say?

[ Zipper Opens ]
[ Urinating ]

[ Sighs ]

Feel free
to take a picture.

These of course will be
available on postcards soon,
but for now--

[ Urinating Continues ]

Here's one with
the little slippers.
Lace, of course.

[ Urinating Continues ]

[ Stops ]

[ Zipper Closes ]

Note the official
coat of arms of the family
on the upper of the bootee.

- [ Door Opens ]
- Ah! Good.

Now a rare treat.
Authentic
19th-century plumbing.

Come on in.
There's room for everyone.
[ Tommy Screaming ]

I was just, uh,
you know.
[ Crashing ]

[ Tommy ]
Shit!

[ Groans ]
Ow. Ooh. Ow.

[ All Murmuring ]

Bitte.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
The next day, I went
fishing for evidence.

Let's have a look.
Bournemouth baby.

Yes, I remember
the case very well.

There was definitely
something odd going on.

Odd?
Mmm.

[ Man ]
I was on duty at the time.

That's not him.
Are you sure,
Your Grace?

Of course I'm sure.
He's not even circumcised.
Excuse us a moment.

What?
[ Whispering ]

I can't--

Okay, okay.
All right, all right.

She's very upset.
Naturally, sir.

- Let's have another
look, shall we?
- All right. It's him.

Right. Call off the search.
The baby's found.

[ Crying ]

I often wonder what happened
to the other little baby.

'Cause of course we had to
close the file on him,
now he's no longer missing.

Poor lad.

A lady comes to see me
a few days later.

Where have they taken him?

"Who?" says I.
The Harrods baby.

"Oh, " says I.
"He went back
to his rightful home."

Where might that be?
...says the lady.

"Saddlers.
The ducal house, " I tells her.
"He's gonna be a duke."

[ Laughing ]
Thank you, Constable.

...she said finally
and writes down the address.

[ Tommy ]
Did she smell of garlic?
Hmm! Knock your 'ead off.

She must have been
his real mother.

I wonder
whatever happened to her.

Your favorite:
eggs Italian style.

Bully, I've missed this.

Wait till you guys taste this.
This is the best dish
in the world.

Smells delicious.
What's in it?

[ Woman ]
It's the garlic.
That's the secret.

More wine, Mrs. Bullock?

Oh, no! You'll be
getting me tipsy.

Still, to think that I
should live to see the day
that he's a duke.

To you, Bully.
Cheers.

Oh! My little baby.

Please.

Just like my own
flesh and blood,
he is.

Bless his little
cotton socks.

I missed him so when
they packed him off
to America.

How long have you
been here, Mrs. Bullock?

Ever since he was a baby.

Such a sweet little baby
he was. No trouble at all.

And such a difficult birth.

And to think now he's
come into his fortune.

[ Bell Ringing ]
[ Kitty ]
Oh. There's your cab, Tommy.

Can you
drop me off?
Yeah, sure.

You're not going now,
are you, Kit?

Big day tomorrow.

Am I on your way?
[ Chuckles ]

Everything's on the way
to Southall.

Well, would you like
to come up for a coffee...

or would you just like
to come up and screw me?

Uh, coffee would be lovely.
Thank you.

You needn't wait.
I'll make sure
he gets to bed.

Keep the change.

[ Chuckles ]

Well?

Are you just gonna
stand there drooling
or are you going to come in?

I think I'll just
drool for a little.

[ Grunts ]

Oh. What's
that naughty man
doing there?

[ Growling, Barking ]

Just having a coffee.

Now, how would you
like your coffee?

With or without? Hmm?

Oh, Kitty.

[ Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Well, hello.
So, you woke up finally.

Kitty, you are
magnificent.
I know.

You're gonna
have to marry me now.

[ Chuckles ]
Don't be silly.
I'm serious.

Oh, be real, Tommy.
You don't have any money.

And besides,
I'm already engaged.
You're what?

You were my final fling.

- I was what?
- Mmm, sex before marriage...

is so much more exciting
with somebody else,
don't you think?

What do you mean,
"somebody else"?

You were perfect
for the job.

- "The job"?
- Oh, come on, Tommy.

I needed someone
I could trust,

someone who wouldn't
tell Henry.

What the hell's Henry
got to do with it?

I'm marrying Henry, stupid.

I'm going to be
a duchess.

Look. It's in
all the newspapers.

- You're marrying Henry.
- Now don't be jealous.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Jealous? Why would I
be jealous of Henry?

He only has my house,
my title, my horses, my cars.

And now he's got you.

I'll kill him.

Hello.
[ Gasps ]

- Oh, my God.
Into the cupboard.
- What?

Into the cupboard, quick.
Why?

It's Henry!
What are you doing?

Quick.
Stop!

Don't be ridiculous.
Please, Tommy.

He can't possibly find you here.
He'll never understand.

Forget it.
Oh, please, Tommy,
just for me.

- No, but Kitty--
- Oh, shut up.

Ow!

Ow! Kitty, I'm not
gonna go along with this.

I'm gonna face Henry
and I'm gonna tell him--

Tommy, if you care about me,
you won't say another word.

[ Muffled ]
Now I'll handle this.

Of course I understand.
You're lovely.

You're a wonderful
lover. Thanks.
Mmm!

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Bye.

Ow!

Darling!
Hello, kitten.

[ Kissing Noises ]

I thought we were meeting
at the restaurant.

I thought I'd surprise you.

You alone?
No. I've got
a man in here.

You're very funny.

I was on the phone.

Hey, did you see the papers?
Yes. I'm so excited, Henry.

Tommy.
What?

I am gonna ask Tommy
to be my best man.
Great!

Yes, Tommy would make
an excellent best man.
That's what I thought too.

Can we eat, darling?
I'm starving.

I'm not leaving now, Kitty.
We're engaged, remember?

Oh, no, Henry,
not now.

Oh, yes, Kitty,
right now.
Shouldn't we have lunch first?

Kitty, I'm
a red-blooded American.
I have lunch after.

- Yes--
- Kitty, I've waited until
we're officially engaged.

Now get on the bed.
Come on.

[ Both Chuckling ]

Oh!
That-a-girl.

[ Hinge Creaking ]
[ Henry ]
Ow!

Gosh, Henry,
that's huge.

That is the biggest one
I have ever seen.

And the jeweler says if
you don't like the setting,
you can change it.

Oh.

Oh, God.
Oh, it's magnificent.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, Henry!

Gorgeous!
Oh, Henry.

Mmm. Oh, Henry.
[ Henry Mumbling ]

- [ Kitty, Henry Laughing ]
- [ Frustrated Grunt ]

I'll kill him!

Well, I should put
some trousers on first.

[ Dog Whining ]
Dino!

[ Barking ]

[ Kitty ]
Oh, Henry!
Don't look.

[ Dog Barking ]
How disgusting, Dino.
That dreadful man.

Not a stitch on.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
I felt utterly humiliated,

and all I could think of
was revenge.

Get some lessons, will ya?
Who is this guy?

[ Hisses, Cackles ]

Yes! Yes!

The next weekend,
Henry invited me
down to Saddlers.

But for an accident,
it would have been mine.

Perhaps, with another accident,
it still could be.

Great car, Tom.

Thanks for the other day.
Saved my life.

Tommy! I'm so glad
you're here.

Come on in. I'm dying
to show you the house.

I'm afraid
one of the pumas
has escaped again, Your Grace.

[ Henry ] Go and catch it.
What is the problem? Can we
find a cage that works?

I've put you
in the blue room--
next to mine.

I'd lock your door.
You'd be safer
with the puma.

[ Growling ]

I prepared Henry
a lethal cocktail...

of mercuric chloride
laced with brandy.

- Oh. It's you, sir.
- Good evening, Mrs. Bullock.

- Do you need something, sir?
- No, thank you, Mrs. Bullock.
I have everything I need.

[ Hounds Barking ]

I think so, Henry.
Yeah, it's great,
isn't it?

[ Shouting ]

Pity you
don't ride, Tom.

Hey, Tommy,
Kitty's great in
the saddle, isn't she?

Yeah, she certainly is.

I'm sure the duchess
will look after you.

[ Thumps ]
Ow!

[ Chuckles ]

Just for you.
Cheers.

Mmm.
Later, darling.

Here you are, Henry.
A little "thank you"
from me.

What a super pal you are.
It's a thoughtful gift, Tom.

Little drink,
help you on your way.

Very sweet of you.
Cheers.
Bye.

[ Protesters Shouting ]

Oh, Lord...

who hath created
all creatures, great and small,

grant that we may find
this day...

one or even two
that we may chase
and destroy...

to thy
almighty purpose.

Amen.

Hunting's immoral!
It degrades foxes!

Freedom for vermin!

[ Whinnying ]
Whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

[ Groans ]
Don't come near me!

[ Horn Blowing ]

[ Shutter Clicks ]
Bye! Bye-bye!

No, wait!
What for?

Fascist pig!

[ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

He's dead.

Pull!

Wow! Wow,
you're good.

Uh, your turn, sir.

"Pull"?
Yes, sir.

Pull!

[ Gunfire ]

Ah.
Was that close?

Oh, Henry, bad luck.

Have another go, darling.
Go on.

[ Henry ]
Give me another gun.
I gotta hit something.

Let me just keep trying
until I get it.

I, uh,
suggest the eyes
open, sir.

- Pull!
- [ Ticking ]

Pull!

Oh, great shot,
Henry!
Well played. Well played.

[ Whimpering ]

Mummy!

I was just showing
Mr. Brittle the view.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
So far, Henry's luck
had held,

but could he survive
the wedding?

♪♪ [ Organ: "Bridal Chorus" ]

♪♪ [ Drum Fill ]

♪♪ [ Continues, Burlesque ]

[ Men Shouting, Whistling ]

Distasteful though
a stag night is,

it gave me a chance
to get Henry plastered.

[ Inaudible ]

Doreen had been
a triumph as Hamlet.

Now she played
the naughty bride
to perfection.

Unlike Doreen,
I had something up my sleeve.

It was "Good night, Henry."

He should run out of gas
somewhere over the North Sea.

[ Sighing ]

- Oi!
- What's goin' on?

[ Henry Muttering ]

- [ Man #1 ]
Was it you?
- [ Man #2 ] No!

[ Gasping ]

[ Screams ]

He's come back!

Wow!

♪♪ [ Organ: "Bridal Chorus" ]

Shh!
Sit down!

♪♪ [ Stops ]

Where the hell
is he?

Um-- Oh, I've no idea.

Perhaps he's
changed his mind.

Just a thought.

[ Parishioners Murmuring ]

[ Indistinct ]

Do sit down,
ladies and gentlemen,
please.

Hey!
Whose bike is this?
It's my bike.

Great. There you go.

Hey, I got a big bike!
I got a big bike
at home for you!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Tommy.
Don't worry.

I'm sure
Henry will surface
sooner or later.

[ Bell Ringing ]
Hey! Hey!
I'm here!

Ah! I made it.

Darling, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.
I know you will.

But what a party. Tommy--
What a best man this is.

Incredible. The food,
the fish, the chips,
the guys, everything.

Doreen was incredible.
Okay? Huh?

All right.
Let's get married.

Sorry I'm late, folks.

Everybody still.

Thank you.

Now one with
the duchess, please.

I think he means me.

Congratulations.
You finally made it.

You're too kind,
Mummy.

Good-bye, everyone.
Thanks so much.
Come on, darling.

Here you go.
Bye.

Whoa.
Thanks again.

Bye-bye, everyone.
[ Squeals ]

Whoa! See you
in France, Tommy.

♪♪ [ Band: Ragtime ]

♪♪ [ Continues, Faint ]

[ Shadgrind ]
Magnificent, isn't it?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Well, I hadn't realized
just how vast the estate was.

Well, what of it?
Well, plenty
to go around, that's all.

What do you mean?

Well, I've been
investigating your claim.
It's looking rather good.

I spoke to Mrs. Bullock.

She's very worried,
incidentally.
Why?

Well, she thinks that someone's
trying to do away with her son--

Henry, you know. Drink?

Uh-- No.
No, thank you.

Ah. Not your poison, eh?

[ Wheezing Laugh ]
Only joking.

Look, what are you
implying?

I'm implying that somebody
needs a partner.

Don't be absurd.
Tom.

All this could be ours.

I think
you'd better leave.

You're right. If anyone
saw us talking together--
I didn't mean that.

No, no.
Of course you didn't.

- Get out of here!
- Good thinking.

I don't want
to see you again.

Oh, all right.
If you insist.

♪♪ [ Man Singing In French ]

[ Tommy Narrating ]
Kitty and Henry
were nauseatingly happy,

though clearly thrilled
to see me.

Life itself was idyllic,
until one or two little
accidents began to happen.

Somebody put helium
in Henry's scuba tank.

Tommy, have you
seen Henry?

No, no.

[ Screaming ]

[ High-pitched Voice ]
It's okay. I'm fine, really.
I'm all right.

Great.

All that week,
the curse continued to strike.

For Germany,
I think a black one.

What do you think?
Careful with that.

Though, alas,
without much success.

Must weigh a ton.

Boy, am I starving.

[ Shouts ]

Here, Tom.
Let me carve...

'cause I think
I'm a bit better with a knife.

Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

- [ Whistles ]
- ♪♪ [ Pop On Headphones ]

[ Laughs ]

Stop it.
Ha, ha.

[ Sighs ]

A few days later, somebody
tampered with the pool sweep.

[ Coughing, Gasping ]

Help! Help, Kitty!

Kitty!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Help!
[ Muffled Shout ]

[ Mouths Word ]

Henry?

♪♪ [ Stops ]

Henry?

Tommy. Have you
seen Henry?

No, no.
Not at all.
Oh.

[ Bubbling ]
Oh, my God!

Henry!

Oh, my dear! Henry?

[ Henry, Distorted ]
Hey, you guys. This is great.

You can sit under here
for hours!

[ Tommy Narrating ]
He was such a lucky bastard!

But I had one more plan.

♪♪ [ Bagpipes:
"La Marseillaise" ]

Merci, bonjour,
messieurs, mesdames.

Je suis Tommy Patel.

P-a-t-e-I.
Here's my card.

I'm going with you
all the way to London.

[ Speaking French ]

Remember,
Patel is the name.

Au revoir
et good-bye, mes amis.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
Having established my alibi,

all I had to do was make
a graceful exit from the train.

[ Screaming ]

[ Bagpipes Blaring ]

[ Flies Buzzing ]
[ Cow Moos ]

[ Cowbell Ringing ]

- [ Windows Bang Open ]
- [ Tommy Gasps ]

Ah. Smell the night.

Mmm. Smells
like cow shit.

[ Henry Sniffing ]
You're right.
[ Grunts ]

They must have
put it on the roses.

You know, Henry?
Hmm.

I only married you
for your money.

[ Both Chuckle ]

I only married you
for your beer.

[ Kitty Chuckles ]

Would you like to discuss
the merger again? Huh?

Well, I--
I think I can
be talked into it.

[ Whimpers ]
Ow!

Oh, God!
Oh, no!

[ Screams ]

Oh, Henry.
Oh, Henry!

[ Dogs Barking ]

Oh, bugger.
The dogs.

Nice doggie.
Nice-- Nice--

Sit, sit, sit!
[ Yelping ]

[ Barking, Snarling ]

[ Fabric Tearing ]
Stop it! Get down!

[ Tommy Narrating ]
Luckily, the dogs
gave up after about a mile.

And as soon as
I'd finished bleeding,

I returned
to finish the job.

Saddlers,
soon to be my Saddlers,

looked peaceful
in the afternoon sunlight.

Gotcha!
[ Yelps ]

Tommy.
Hi. Yes.

Well, this is
unexpected.
Yes.

What on earth
are you doing here?

Um, I-- I was--

You came to surprise me,
you naughty boy.

Yes, I did.
I knew it.
Goody!

Henry and Kitty
can't catch us today.

No, they can't.
Come, come, come,
come, come, come.

So how are the little
lovebirds getting on?

Oh, uh,
like a house on fire.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, you're chasing me!

Don't look
so guilty, Tommy.
What?

We haven't
done anything... yet.

Oh. No.

[ Butler
Clears Throat ]

Your, uh, vitamins,
Your Grace.

Oh. Thank you, Butler.

I put the black sheets
on the bed as you requested.

No need to wait up,
Butler.

Mr. Patel and I
have a lot to discuss.

I'm sure
you have, madam.

Sleep well, sir.

[ Door Closes ]
Jealous.

♪♪ [ Blues Ballad ]

[ Woman ]
♪ I put a spell on you ♪

♪ 'Cause you're mine ♪

♪♪ [ Scatting ]

[ Snarls ]

♪ You better stop
the things you do ♪

[ Purring ]

♪ I ain't lyin' ♪

♪ No, I ain't lyin' ♪

♪ You know I can't stand it,
your runnin' around ♪

- [ Snarling ]
- ♪ You know better
'bout it ♪

♪ I can't stand it
'cause you put me down ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪

[ Door Opens ]
♪♪ [ Stops ]

Forgive me, Your Grace.
Oh!

What is it now, Butler?

Some bad news, I fear,
Your Grace.

Oh, dear.
Not the puma again.

Mmm.

Oh! Timing, Butler.

[ Duchess ]
Oh, Henry!

[ Tommy Narrating ]
What had I done?

I had gained a fortune
but lost two friends.

I was doomed to hell
as a Christian...

and horrendous rebirth
as a Hindu.

[ Woman's Voice ]
Thou shalt not kill.

[ Overlapping Voices ]
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not kill.

[ Voices Continue, Distorted ]

[ Body Thuds ]

Tommy?

[ Sighs ]
Am I dead?

No, silly.
You just fainted.

- You're alive!
- Of course we're alive.

But the fire.

[ Kitty ]
How did you know
about the fire?

- Wasn't there a fire?
- You bet there was a fire.

The whole villa burnt down.
Boy, is Mummy pissed.
Hmm.

- How did you get out?
- Some jerk woke up the dogs
and we took them for a walk.

And when we got back,
the whole place was an inferno.

I'm so glad you're alive.

Takes a lot
to kill me, Tom.

I know... now that
everything's gonna be just fine.

[ Woman Screaming ]

Oh, my God!

[ Sobbing ]

The cook is quite frozen,
I fear, Your Grace.

[ Sighs ]
Bully.

Poor Mrs. Bullock.
She always hated frozen food.

I just came down for
a slice of ham, sir,

and there she was.
[ Sobbing ]

How did this happen?
The door must have
closed on her.

[ Chattering In Italian ]

[ Tommy Narrating ]
A few days later,
Kitty invited me to lunch.

I feel bad, Tommy.
It's the curse.

I'll get you an aspirin.
No, silly.

The family curse.
Oh! I'm sorry.

Somebody is trying
to kill Henry.

Don't be ridiculous.

Tommy, do you remember
the night of my engagement?

[ Chuckles ]
How could I ever forget?

Remember that little incident
after the theater?

What little incident?

Oh, come on.
You practically raped me.

- I did what?
- Well, date rape.

Kitty, how could I
date rape you five times?

Well, perhaps I did
encourage you a bit.

"A bit"? You asked me
to come up and f--

You asked me to come up
and give you one.

And you did,
and I forgive you.

Oh, thank you.

But the point is,
Tommy, I'm pregnant.

The baby's yours.

There really isn't
any doubt.

Your son will be
the duke of Bournemouth.

Well, good grief.
[ Sighs ]

[ Air Hissing ]

Come on.

Come on.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
Together, Henry and I...

experienced the joy
of traditional
English childbirth...

down the pub.
[ Laughing ]

[ Phone Rings ]
Oh, wait!

Hello?

It's a baby!

[ Cheering, Chattering ]

[ Kitty ]
Nanny?
Yes, Your Grace?

Come and have some cake.
Oh, thank you,
Your Grace.

Hello. Hey.

Come and see your daddy.
Come on.

How are you, Tommy?
Yeah. I had to see you.

Come on. Let's have a bit
of a walk, shall we? Hey?

[ Tommy, Indistinct ]

This will be yours,
you know. Yeah.

[ Minister ] For as much
as it has pleased Almighty God
of his great mercy...

to take unto himself the soul
of our dear Nanny here departed,

we therefore commit
her body to the ground.

Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

in sure and certain hope
of the resurrection
to eternal life...

through our
Lord Jesus Christ,

who shall change
our vile bodies--

You won't be leaving
the country or anything,
will you, sir?

What?
No. Why?

We are continuing our inquiries
into the murder of the nanny.

Murder?

Prams don't just explode,
do they, sir?

We believe foul play
was involved.

Surely you don't
think I'm--

I don't
think anything, sir.

I'm a police officer.

...and whosoever liveth
and believeth in him
shall not die eternally--

[ Tommy Narrating ]
Typical of the police...

to suspect me of murder
the first time I was innocent.

Pity about the nanny.

Sad.

Good God. Shadgrind!
What the hell
are you doing here?

Well, let's call it
a watching brief.

Shame to lose
another witness.

Still, I have
her testimony on file.

What file?
What are you talking about?

Our case, Tom.
What do you mean,
"our case"?

Oh, sorry, I forgot.
Stumm!

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Say no more.

I told you.
I want nothing more
to do with you.

That's it, Tom.
Keep it up.

Look. Piss off!
Yeah. Once more,
a bit louder.

Why don't you fuck off!

Excellent. Very convincing.

Nannies don't just explode.

Cooks don't just
spontaneously refrigerate.

What was going on?
Was it the curse?

[ Henry ]
Tea?
Who would be next?

[ Monitor:
Baby Crying ]

We are gonna need
a new nanny, I guess.
We definitely are.

I'll get it, dear.
You sit with Henry.

Oh, thank you.
Thanks, Mummy.

[ Crying Continues ]
Hello? What's
all this noise then?

What's the matter
with you then, eh? Eh?

What's the matter
with you, eh?
Here. Play with this.

[ Rattle Shaking ]
[ Tommy ]
Oh.

You like that, do you?
You like that, do you?

I think we need a change,
don't you? Eh?

Come on. Yes.
[ Crying ]

Come on, then.
Come on. It's okay.

Lay you
all the way down.

Got to change your pants.
It's panty-changing time.

[ Sniffs, Groans ]
God!

Blimey. Where does it
all come from?

You're nice and clean.
Happy little ferret.

[ Baby Cooing ]
[ Tommy Chuckles ]

- Oh, hello.
- Oh, it's you, Tommy.

He was a bit wet,
so I thought I'd change him,
you know.

You treat that baby
like it was your own.

Well, I don't mind
changing babies' nappies.

It's watching them eat
that's repulsive.

Oh, you have
such lovely buttocks, Tommy.

Oh, please,
Your Grace,
don't start.

Oh, come on.
You love it, really.
No, please, stop.

[ Duchess ]
Oh, "stop."
You're always saying "stop."

I can't for the life of me
think why you won't--

Oh, well, I'm not
gonna listen to this.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

The rattle.

Only one person in the world
had that rattle.

Oh, my God. It's you.
You're my baby.

[ Tommy ]
No. No.

[ Duchess ]
Of course you are.
How stupid of me. You--

You even look
like the Bournemouths.

Oh, Rainbow Peace.

You're my little
Butterfly Rainbow Peace.

Oh, God, my baby.
My little baby boy's
come back to me!

Please, Your Grace.
Oh, your mummy's
so glad to see you!

You don't know
how much I missed you,
my little baby bee.

Baby, baby,
kissy, kissy, kissy.
I love you so much!

Ow! What's that for?

That is for trying
to seduce your mother.

- Seduce you?
- We won't say
another word about it.

I forgive you.
You didn't know.

Who's been a naughty
little boy for leaving
his mummy for so long?

You left me behind
in a restaurant!

I do hope you're not
going to be bitter.

I'm only bitter
about Mrs. Bullock.

Mrs. Bullock?
Yes.

She was a cook
in that restaurant.

So?

Mrs. Bullock
was Henry's mother.

Oh, my God.

Bully was my mother?
Oh, God.

My mother-in-law
was a cook.

So I'm not a duke.
And I'm not a duchess.

Well, Henry will just
have to renounce the title.

No, no, no.
I won't hear of it.

He must. We can't
have a cook's son
on the ducal throne.

Far too vulgar.
Pity about the baby though.

Still, you're young enough.
You can have another.

[ Tommy ]
No, there's no real need,
actually.

[ Duchess ]
What do you mean,
there's no real need?

There's no need for
another baby. It's my kid.
What?

That's my child.
Yours?

Yes. Kitty and I had
a brief, uh, you know,

before she got married.

You're the child's father?

Yes. Kitty said there's
no doubt whatsoev--
[ Clicks Off ]

Henry.

Henry, I can
explain everything.

Oh, Henry, please come back!
[ Door Slams ]

Oh!

So then I grew up
in Southall.

And, uh, you know,
we had a newsagent
and a tobacconist.

Mm-hmm.
And I had to do that.

I would get up first thing
in the morning on a Sunday...

and do all
the Sunday papers.

Oh.
[ Door Opens ]

You've gotta stop him.
He heard every word!

[ Grunts ]

Hey. Can I take this?

Oh, absolutely,
Your Grace.

Is it all gassed up?
Oh, yes. I fixed it now,
Your Grace.

You just put your foot
down there and whoom!

Sorry. Your Ex-Grace.

Where is he?

Good God. Shadgrind!
Good afternoon, Your Grace.

What do you mean, "Your Grace"?
What the hell
are you doing here?

Oh, just hot-rodding
the Morgan.
What?

You know, making sure
Henry's car
really takes off.

What are you talking about?
Lovely old banger,
that car.

Goes like a bomb, eh?
Tick, tick?

Oh, my God.
You bombed Nanny!

No, no, no, Tom. No, no.
That was an accident.
An accident?

I was after the baby.
Why?

Well, gotta
clear the path, Tom,
if you're to inherit.

You're mad.

Well, we're all a bit mad.
Oh, going to watch, are you?

Enjoy it.
[ Imitates Explosion ]

Terrific.
[ Chuckles ]

Found the frozen cook yet?
[ Chuckling ]

Marvelous, isn't it?
Not so much as a "thank you."

♪♪ [ Men Singing In French ]
[ Horn Honking ]

Come on, Frenchman!

[ Chattering, Scoffing ]

Come on.
You're in Angleterre.

[ Honking Continues ]

- Oh, well, same to vous.
- Look out! Look out!

- [ Screams ]
- [ Horn Blaring ]

[ Henry ]
Whoa!
[ Honking ]

Idiot!

Imbécile!

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

[ Honking ]

[ Horn Blaring ]

[ Honking ]

[ French ]

♪♪ [ Singing In French ]

[ Honking ]

Look out! Watch out!

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Kitty ]
Oh, Tommy. What am I
gonna do without Henry?

You'll have to
marry me, Kitty.

What?
It's the obvious solution.
I'll look after you.

But I don't want
to marry you, Tommy.

Whyever not?
Because I don't love you.

I love Henry.
Yeah, yeah, but it's for
the sake of our child.

[ Sighs ]
Tommy, it's not your child.

What?
It's Henry's.

But you told me--
I lied.

Whatever for?

Because I thought you were
going to murder Henry.

I was desperate
to stop you.

[ Sighs ]
Oh, God, Kitty,
it wasn't like that.

[ Gasps ]

He didn't kill Henry,
actually. I did.

You know, Your Grace,

I thought we were supposed
to be partners, but I can't
see any sign of it.

Can you?
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

What do you think
you're doing, Shadgrind?

- Just arranging
a tragic suicide pact.
- What?

Well, I've made myself
the baby's legal guardian,
you see.

Till he comes of age.
Still, that's 18 years
of living here, rent-free.

Can't be bad!

[ Wheezing Laugh, Snorting ]

- Don't be ridiculous.
- So, the family curse
strikes again, does it?

- What a shame!
- [ Gasping ]

You and I could have been
very happy together, Tom-Tom.
Kneel down, please.

Drop the gun, Shadgrind.

[ Both Gasp ]

- Boo.
- Ah!

[ Rifle Clatters ]

Henry!
How the hell did--

I pulled the car
over for a piss.
Some schmuck took it.

Oh!
No, get down!

[ Grunts ]

- Help!
- Henry!

[ Tommy ]
Henry, are you--
Oi!

Now, where was I? Yes.

Three bodies
in tragic mystery
love tangle. Hmm.

Oh. Better make that four,
Shadgrind! Ha!

- Get me outta this moose!
- Somebody help Henry.

[ Kitty ]
Henry! Oh, Henry!

- [ Rustling ]
- [ Growling ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Growling Continues ]

I'm a lawyer.

[ Roars ]

Nice puss!

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

- [ Crash ]
- [ Puma Hissing ]

[ Frenchmen ]
Le puma! Le puma!

[ Frenchmen Shouting ]

[ Shadgrind ]
I warned you.
You wouldn't listen.

Typical, that.
Marvelous, isn't it?

The ingratitude.
Well, that's a lawyer's lot
these days.

Um, you might as well
take me straight
to France, incidentally.

[ French Man ]
I tell you, it was a puma.

[ Tommy Narrating ]
That was the last
we saw of Shadgrind,

though there were rumors that
he'd run off to Beverly Hills
and become a film producer.

Henry forgave me,
and we became firm friends.

[ Groans ]

I sold my story
to the tabloids...

and married my secretary
to prevent her selling hers.

Bye, Mummy.
My mother went off
with a policeman.

Come on, Harry.
We'll be late for the races.

And as for Kitty
and Henry,

well, they
helped me establish Saddlers
as a major tourist attraction.

Though, naturally,
Henry did it his way.
Good afternoon, everyone,

I'm Henry Bullock, your host
and official guide
for this afternoon's tour.

You can give your tickets
to Mr. Brittle there.
Looking sharp, Brittle.

And so we all lived
happily ever after.

Well, for a bit at least.

[ Puma Roars ]

[ Man ]
♪ I was just born lucky ♪

♪ Yes, I guess it's true ♪

♪ But now my lucky luckiness ♪

♪ Has all turned into blue ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my whole life away ♪

♪ I was so happy
all of the time ♪

♪ With my baby
I was oh-so-fine ♪

♪ But you came right along
and knocked me for a song ♪

♪ You took everything
that should be
mine, mine, mine, mine ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my happiness away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Now somehow that someone's
gonna have to pay ♪

♪ I lost my baby
when he stepped in ♪

♪ He took my life
and everything ♪

♪ He stole my baby
Now I'm so blue ♪

♪ Tell me what
to do-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my baby away ♪

♪ H-H-H-Hey ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my happiness today ♪

♪ He came along
He did me wrong ♪

♪ Now my whole life's
gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Someone came and stole
my whole life away ♪

♪ He's gonna have to pay
someway ♪

♪ He's gonna
have to pay someday ♪

♪ Yes, he's gonna
have to pay ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪