Original subtitles

(GROANS) There you go.

I´m not eating.

Why not? It´s lunchtime.

I´ll eat when Mommy gets back from California.

Well, Mommy has to stay with Grandma till her leg´s healed.

She might not be back for another two weeks.

So? I´ll wait.

You´re gonna get real skinny and your head´s gonna get big,

and you could be, like, looking like E.T.

Come on, baby, eat your food. It´s your favorite.

I had that cereal for breakfast.

I know. And you ate it so well, I made it again for lunch.

I only like the prizes.

Good. Because I happen to have put another prize in here.

What´s in there?

Well, if I told you it wouldn´t be a surprise.

(VOCALIZING)

Surprise!

You put a shoe in my food?

Yeah. They´re called Funky Feetios.

They´re loaded with vitamins, minerals, and toe jam.

I may never eat cereal again.

Come on, baby, this is fun.

I haven´t been having fun since Mommy went away.

Well, look, this is fun.

Look, this is a talking shoe.

(IN HIGH VOICE) Hi, can you tell me where my twin is?

(CHUCKLING)

It´s fun, baby, come on.

I don´t want any cereal.

What do you want?

I want something healthy.

Like what? Pizza.

Pizza! I think I could do that.

Dad, the garage is clean.

Right. Is it Junior clean, or is it Dad clean?

It´s hospital clean.

Is it county hospital clean or is it Mayo Clinic clean?

It´s eat-off-the-floor clean.

Is it you eating-off-the-floor clean

or me eating-off-the-floor clean?

Dad, it´s clean.

I don´t believe you.

Go look for yourself.

Okay, now I believe you.

Thank you.

My work is done, there´s no more work to do.

There´s no such thing as no more work.

A good worker creates work.

Dad, I´m exhausted.

Fine, go take a nap.

I can´t take naps at home.

I can only nap at school.

In algebra class.

You were supposed to take me to the mall 10 minutes ago!

Everybody over there is waiting for me!

Am I the only one who cares about Claire?

(MOCKINGLY) Apparently, yes.

Nobody could love you like you do, Claire.

Well, you could at least try.

And what´s with all these naps? It´s ridiculous.

I love when you guys take naps.

Because you´re unconscious, you´re laying in a puddle of drool,

you´re not complaining, and I know exactly where you are.

That is my definition of perfect children.

Yeah, well, I have my definition of a perfect dad,

and it´s not you. Me too.

Me three.

Oh, really?

So what is your definition of a perfect dad?

I´m not telling you unless it´s in the safety of a family meeting.

Yeah, where there are no repercussions.

Yeah, no repercussions.

Do you even know what a repercussion is?

No, but I don´t want one.

Okay, fine. You want a family meeting, you got a family meeting.

Right after you take your naps.

(BOTH GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION)

Oh, you too, go take a nap.

All right, family meeting has officially begun.

If you have any gripes, you´re free to let them out without fear of repercussions.

Okay, I´ll go first.

Ever since Mom´s been away, you´ve turned into a dictator.

That´s not true. Off with your head.

Look, okay, maybe I have been a little stricter since your mom´s been away.

That´s because if I let up, I know it´s gonna create chaos with you guys.

We haven´t had an ounce of fun.

We haven´t even rented a movie in weeks.

It´s just been naps and work.

That is not true. What about the big picnic we had the other day?

What big picnic? You ate a sandwich, we mowed the lawn.

I think I speak for all of us when I say

you´re being a lousy father.

Who are you to tell me I´m being a lousy...

Hey, no repercussions. No repercussions.

No repercussions. No repercussions.

Yeah, no repercussions.

Of course. Okay, you know what?

You´re gonna get away with that

because we are under the confines of the family meeting.

And, Junior, since you´ve got the biggest mouth

and head...

Not a repercussion, you´re just full of ideas.

The ideas take it way out here.

And you got a lot of ideas right back in the hook area.

Why don´t you go first? You tell me your definition of the perfect dad.

First of all, you´d be the biggest rap star in the world,

and we´d be living large.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING)

(RAPPING) ♫ Yo, I´m the coolest thing over 30 since Puff and The Roots.

♫ What other kid´s father rocks platinum tooths?

♫ My son drives around in my Lexus coupe.

♫ Yo, this house is his, I live on the stoop! ♫

Yo, there´s my son now, that´s Junior Crisp.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

Where´s my drink?

Thank you. And where´s my Cuban?

(CHUCKLES) Right here, papi.

I meant the cigar.

(EXCLAIMS)

Yo, what´s up, man? What´s up?

What´s going on?

You the macaroni and cheese. Teach me, man.

You holding it down?

I´m holding it down. Next to you I´m a clown.

Word is bond, yeah? Word is bond.

Hey, servant girl.

Yo, you heard the man. You heard the man. Hurry up.

Yes, big brother Junior?

After all of this is over with, I want you to clean it up.

Yes, big brother Junior.

Then I want you to go in my room,

kick the two honeys out of my bed and make it up for me.

Yes, big brother Junior.

And stop calling me big brother.

What should I call you?

Your Highness.

Yes, Your Highness.

Bounce.

Yo, I love the way you dominate your sister.

Man, you know. I´m wanna do that to your mom.

Wait a minute. This is your son?

Yeah, that´s my sperm manifested.

Oh, he is a living Adonis. He is beautiful.

Oh, look, freak...

Don´t get too close to me, aight? I´m a player.

I love a man who disrespects me.

Well, we can go upstairs

and I´ll tell you what a filthy, nasty, little girl you are.

Oh, sure.

Then after that, I´m gonna tell you that you are good for nothing.

MICHAEL: Hold it. Hold it. That´s your fantasy?

I´m a big rap star, but you get all my girls and abuse them?

Yeah.

And in your stupid mind, that makes me a good dad?

No, it makes you a great dad.

If you ever treated a woman like that in real life,

she´d slap you upside your big lumpy head.

(LAUGHS) Ain´t no woman hitting me.

(LAUGHING)

You see, Junior, your values are all screwed up.

You want a rap star as a father?

But let me tell you what that would really be like.

First of all...

Yo, Junior, get out here.

Yes, Dad?

This is your son?

Yeah.

How can that be? His head looks like a boulder.

Is he missing a chromosome?

Could be, he got three nipples too.

Are you cheating on Mom again?

No, I´m not cheating, I´m gonna hook your mom up too. She´s fine.

Why, you got a problem with that?

No, dawg, take it easy.

Hey, don´t be calling me dawg.

I´m sorry, Dad.

And don´t be calling me Dad neither.

What should I call you?

Call me the Grand Pooh-Bah.

Okay, Grand Pooh-Bah.

Yo, what you doing in the kitchen?

You getting high? No.

Why not?

I´m doing homework with Allison.

Yo, who´s Allison? Did I hit that yet? Did I sample that?

No, that´s my high-school sweetheart.

She´s the girl I wanna marry.

Oh, my God!

Is this your dad?

You didn´t tell me your dad was P Daddy the Nap Master.

I´m your biggest fan. Tell me to take a nap.

Lie down.

(EXCLAIMS IN DELIGHT)

No, not there, upstairs in my bedroom.

Allison, I thought we were gonna get married.

Why would I want a broke, big-headed nerd when I could have this?

But you ain´t gonna have nothing, this is mine.

Excuse me? I´ll fight you for him.

(WOMEN CLAMORING) Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

No. Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Ya´ll need some space to fight. Go ahead.

All right, all right. That´s enough.

What´s the matter, Junior, you don´t like my version?

It´s just that I´ve been working on that one for years.

Now I gotta come up with a whole new fantasy.

All right, whose bubble do I burst next?

Kady, come here.

I want you to tell me what kind of daddy you would want me to be.

That´s easy.

The best daddy in the whole wide world.

Mmm-hmm?

Whoa!

You´re gonna get in trouble.

You´re gonna get a spanking.

No, I´m not. My daddy won´t care,

he´s the best daddy in the whole wide world.

(CHUCKLING)

(IN SILLY VOICE) Hello, ladies.

Hello, Mr. Kyle. Hello, Mr. Kyle.

Oh, me. Oh, my.

Someone made a spilly-poo on the floor.

I´ll just get my super-duper sweeper friend

and we´ll clean this mess up in a hurry.

Oh.

All right. Hey, let´s sing The Happy Sweeper Song together.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♫ I love my broom

(HOARSELY) ♫ My name is Bill

♫ He helps me out

♫ When there´s a spill ♫

Come on, let´s do it all together.

(ALL SCATTING)

Yeah, that´s cute. But it might not be cute all the time.

Why not?

Well, imagine this.

(SOBBING) Daddy!

Daddy!

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, Kady, why all the salty tears?

She fell off the swing.

And scraped her knee.

Oh, me. Oh, my.

We´ll just have to sing The Happy Happy Song

and make that little boo-boo go away.

No, I need Neosporin.

Oh, no, you just need to sing and dance.

(LAUGHING) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♫ When you scrape your knee

♫ Just dance with me

♫ We´ll twist and turn

♫ Till you forget that burn ♫

Come on... Stop it! That´s not funny!

Oh, sure it is.

(LAUGHING)

Make him stop!

He´s obnoxious.

(MICHAEL SCATTING) You´re obnoxious.

Oh, you think I´m obnoxious, huh?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Poof!

Oh, me. Oh, my. I wonder where they go.

(SHRIEKING)

(CHUCKLING)

(IN SILLY VOICE) My plan is working fine.

All right. Claire, you´re up next.

Okay. But there´s no way you can ruin this one,

because it´s all about me.

(PRETENDS TO GASP) I´m shocked!

Hey, Junior. Oh, hi, Dad.

Where´s your sister? She´s upstairs.

Oh, Claire, I´m home!

CLAIRE: I´m not coming down there if they´re not with you.

Oh, silly, of course they´re with me.

I wouldn´t be a good dad

if I didn´t bring home the number one boyband in the country,

who I happen to manage.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, and these guys are not just the flavor of the month either.

What are they called?

Chocolate Chip.

And you guess which one is the Chip. Come on in, guys.

Hey, what´s up, Creston, Thaddeus, Chip?

Hi, boys.

ALL: Hi, Claire.

All right, guys, let´s talk about this upcoming tour.

I figure we´re... Mike.

Don´t talk about business when this beautiful creature is here.

I´m sorry. Please don´t fire me, Justin Creston Flick.

You look ravishing today. No, extraordinary.

No, stupendous. No.

Claire is like the dew on a beautiful morning in spring.

No, when the air is filled with honeysuckle.

(HUMMING)

♫ Claire, with the beautiful hair

♫ Hair ♫ Hair

♫ When she walks by you have to stare

♫ Stare ♫ Stare

♫ Take me away

ALL: ♫ I don´t care

♫ As long as Claire is there ♫

Okay, that´s a good fantasy.

It shows a lot of imagination.

But it could go another way.

ALL: Hi, Claire.

Hey, all right, guys, let´s talk about this upcoming tour.

I figure we´re... Mike.

Don´t talk about business when this beautiful creature is here.

I´m sorry. Please don´t fire me, Justin Creston Flick.

♫ Little Mike That´s who we like

♫ Mike, he´s our favorite little man

♫ We wanna pinch his little can

♫ We love Mike ♫

Hey, they sign the checks.

It could happen, right? It may come as a shock to you,

but the world does not revolve around Claire.

Is it safe?

Come here.

Daddy was just kidding.

(CHUCKLES SILLILY)

Come here. No, no, no. Okay. Sit down.

It´s my turn.

Now, I´m going to describe to you

my fantasy of perfect children.

(SCOFFS) Bring it on, Dad.

Okay, see, in my fantasy, you´re all mature, responsible,

delightful little children.

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, sweetness.

Have you finished all your chores yet?

No, silly. A good worker creates work.

There is always something to do.

Besides, I´m energized. I took three naps today.

I know, I´ll go upstairs and spend some more quality time with my sister.

Young people need a strong role model,

and a good sister is an active sister.

That´s right. Bye, Daddy.

Bye, sweetie.

Brother! Sister!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hi, Junior.

How was your day today?

Oh, it was a blessing.

Let me tell you.

I was out spreading the good news of God´s Kingdom with all of the neighbors.

I´ve ran from three dogs and got lots of doors slammed in my face,

but I´m happy.

Do you know why? Why?

Because it´s the right thing to do.

Hey, why don´t you take some time off from your busy schedule

and watch some television with me. Oh, no.

That´s the devil´s playground.

TVs, movies, video games, it´s all bad.

I´m gonna go upstairs and get an article for you.

Right after I take my nap.

I´ll help you with your homework, Junior.

Thank you.

Brother! Sister!

Kady! Kady!

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, pumpkin.

I love you, Daddy.

And look at this. I love you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, there´s the door. I wonder who it is.

I´ll get it.

Why, look, it´s Dr. Klieger!

Boy, have I got some great news.

I got the results of Kady´s tests back,

and she´s gonna be this little and this cute the rest of your life.

MICHAEL: Wow.

Just like Gary Coleman.

That´s fabulous.

This is the best news a dad could ever have.

(LAUGHING)

What do you think about that?

That´s a fantasy, all right.

It´s stupid.

It wouldn´t work, Dad.

And why not?

Think about it.

What would happen if all of us were perfect?

Hey, Junior, come on, let´s go shoot some hoops.

I´ll teach you that turnaround jump.

Oh, no, Dad. I have no illusions about my abilities

at the game of basketball.

So if it´s not a part of my overall life goal, why pursue it?

Well, what about exercise, Son?

Oh, I get plenty of exercise on the cheerleading squad.

I´m the captain, you know.

Yeah. None of the fathers let me forget that.

Um, what about schoolwork, Son?

Oh, it´s great. I have a full scholarship

to Harvard, Princeton, Brown, and DeVry.

Wow, DeVry.

So I guess that means... Yes.

Your job is done.

Congratulations, Dad, you´ve raised a wonderful son.

Well, at least I still have Claire.

(EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)

Claire! Coming, Dad.

Hi, sweetie.

I was just on my way out.

Where are you going? To the mall?

No. I went to the mall

where I ran into Junior handing out Watchtowers in front of the Gap.

And I decided to join him in his missionary work.

We´re moving to Guam.

You don´t have to worry, Dad.

The only thing I´ll be spreading is the word.

This is terrible.

Can things get any worse?

Daddy, this is my fiance.

What up, dawg? Hey.

You´re joking, right?

No.

He understands me. He completes me.

Don´t worry, man, we´re gonna give you lots of grandbabies.

What are you talking about, mister?

That´s not good. Mmm-mmm.

It could happen.

I think we ought to call a truce.

I think that sounds like a good idea.

And I think we should all agree

that we´re pretty good people the way we are.

Uh-huh. That´s right.

You bet.

Look, guys, I know I´ve been overdoing it since your mom´s been away.

And it´s because I just don´t have the same qualities that she has.

I´m not as patient, I´m not as sensitive,

and I´m not as nurturing as she is.

But I´m trying.

You know, I´m doing the best I can.

And maybe I need to try a little harder.

You guys are right, let´s have some fun together.

How?

I don´t know. Let´s go put on some old clothes

and go out in the driveway and play carwash.

Even I´m not buying that.

Okay, what? What do you guys wanna do?

I want pizza.

I wanna stay up late and watch movies.

I want the girls from my fantasy.

I can´t do that, but I know Chocolate Chip´s number.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, finally, the pizza´s here.

I´ll get it.

Hey, I got three pepperonis here. Is this the right place?

Hey, there, cutie.

(SCREAMING)

This is terrible.

Can things get any worse?

Daddy, this is my fiancé.

What´s up, dawg?

You´re joking, right?

No.

He understands me. He completes me.

We´re gonna have a lot of fun.