All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S02E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

(GROANS)
There you go.

I´m not eating.

Why not?
It´s lunchtime.

I´ll eat
when Mommy gets back
from California.

Well, Mommy has to
stay with Grandma
till her leg´s healed.

She might not be back
for another two weeks.

So? I´ll wait.

You´re gonna get
real skinny and
your head´s gonna get big,

and you could be,
like, looking like E.T.

Come on, baby,
eat your food.
It´s your favorite.

I had that cereal
for breakfast.

I know.
And you ate it so well,
I made it again for lunch.

I only like the prizes.

Good. Because I happen
to have put
another prize in here.

What´s in there?

Well, if I told you
it wouldn´t be a surprise.

(VOCALIZING)

Surprise!

You put a shoe
in my food?

Yeah. They´re called
Funky Feetios.

They´re loaded
with vitamins,
minerals, and toe jam.

I may never
eat cereal again.

Come on, baby,
this is fun.

I haven´t been having fun
since Mommy went away.

Well, look,
this is fun.

Look, this is
a talking shoe.

(IN HIGH VOICE)
Hi, can you tell me
where my twin is?

(CHUCKLING)

It´s fun, baby,
come on.

I don´t want any cereal.

What do you want?

I want
something healthy.

Like what?
Pizza.

Pizza! I think
I could do that.

Dad, the garage is clean.

Right.
Is it Junior clean,
or is it Dad clean?

It´s hospital clean.

Is it county hospital clean
or is it Mayo Clinic clean?

It´s eat-off-the-floor clean.

Is it you
eating-off-the-floor clean

or me
eating-off-the-floor clean?

Dad, it´s clean.

I don´t believe you.

Go look for yourself.

Okay, now
I believe you.

Thank you.

My work is done,
there´s no more
work to do.

There´s no such thing
as no more work.

A good worker
creates work.

Dad, I´m exhausted.

Fine, go take a nap.

I can´t take naps at home.

I can only nap at school.

In algebra class.

You were supposed
to take me to the mall
10 minutes ago!

Everybody over there
is waiting for me!

Am I the only one
who cares about Claire?

(MOCKINGLY)
Apparently, yes.

Nobody could love you
like you do, Claire.

Well, you could
at least try.

And what´s with
all these naps?
It´s ridiculous.

I love when
you guys take naps.

Because you´re unconscious,
you´re laying
in a puddle of drool,

you´re not complaining,
and I know
exactly where you are.

That is my definition
of perfect children.

Yeah, well,
I have my definition
of a perfect dad,

and it´s not you.
Me too.

Me three.

Oh, really?

So what is
your definition
of a perfect dad?

I´m not telling you
unless it´s in the safety
of a family meeting.

Yeah, where there are
no repercussions.

Yeah, no repercussions.

Do you even know
what a repercussion is?

No, but I don´t
want one.

Okay, fine.
You want a family meeting,
you got a family meeting.

Right after
you take your naps.

(BOTH GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION)

Oh, you too,
go take a nap.

All right,
family meeting has
officially begun.

If you have any gripes,
you´re free to let them out
without fear of repercussions.

Okay, I´ll go first.

Ever since Mom´s been away,
you´ve turned into a dictator.

That´s not true.
Off with your head.

Look, okay, maybe I have
been a little stricter
since your mom´s been away.

That´s because if I let up,
I know it´s gonna create chaos
with you guys.

We haven´t had
an ounce of fun.

We haven´t even
rented a movie in weeks.

It´s just been
naps and work.

That is not true.
What about the big picnic
we had the other day?

What big picnic?
You ate a sandwich,
we mowed the lawn.

I think I speak
for all of us when I say

you´re being
a lousy father.

Who are you to tell me
I´m being a lousy...

Hey, no repercussions.
No repercussions.

No repercussions.
No repercussions.

Yeah,
no repercussions.

Of course.
Okay, you know what?

You´re gonna
get away with that

because we are
under the confines
of the family meeting.

And, Junior,
since you´ve got
the biggest mouth

and head...

Not a repercussion,
you´re just full of ideas.

The ideas take it
way out here.

And you got a lot
of ideas right back
in the hook area.

Why don´t you go first?
You tell me your definition
of the perfect dad.

First of all,
you´d be the biggest
rap star in the world,

and we´d be
living large.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING)

(RAPPING) ♫ Yo,
I´m the coolest thing over 30
since Puff and The Roots.

♫ What other kid´s
father rocks
platinum tooths?

♫ My son drives around
in my Lexus coupe.

♫ Yo, this house is his,
I live on the stoop! ♫

Yo, there´s my son now,
that´s Junior Crisp.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

Where´s my drink?

Thank you.
And where´s my Cuban?

(CHUCKLES)
Right here, papi.

I meant the cigar.

(EXCLAIMS)

Yo, what´s up, man?
What´s up?

What´s going on?

You the macaroni
and cheese.
Teach me, man.

You holding it down?

I´m holding it down.
Next to you I´m a clown.

Word is bond, yeah?
Word is bond.

Hey, servant girl.

Yo, you heard the man.
You heard the man.
Hurry up.

Yes, big brother Junior?

After all of this
is over with,
I want you to clean it up.

Yes, big brother Junior.

Then I want you to
go in my room,

kick the two honeys
out of my bed
and make it up for me.

Yes, big brother Junior.

And stop calling me
big brother.

What should I call you?

Your Highness.

Yes, Your Highness.

Bounce.

Yo, I love the way
you dominate your sister.

Man, you know.
I´m wanna do that
to your mom.

Wait a minute.
This is your son?

Yeah, that´s
my sperm manifested.

Oh, he is
a living Adonis.
He is beautiful.

Oh, look, freak...

Don´t get too close
to me, aight?
I´m a player.

I love a man
who disrespects me.

Well, we can go upstairs

and I´ll tell you
what a filthy, nasty,
little girl you are.

Oh, sure.

Then after that,
I´m gonna tell you that
you are good for nothing.

MICHAEL: Hold it. Hold it.
That´s your fantasy?

I´m a big rap star,
but you get all my girls
and abuse them?

Yeah.

And in your stupid mind,
that makes me a good dad?

No, it makes you
a great dad.

If you ever treated a woman
like that in real life,

she´d slap you upside
your big lumpy head.

(LAUGHS)
Ain´t no woman
hitting me.

(LAUGHING)

You see, Junior,
your values are
all screwed up.

You want a rap star
as a father?

But let me tell you
what that would
really be like.

First of all...

Yo, Junior,
get out here.

Yes, Dad?

This is your son?

Yeah.

How can that be?
His head looks
like a boulder.

Is he missing
a chromosome?

Could be, he got
three nipples too.

Are you cheating
on Mom again?

No, I´m not cheating,
I´m gonna hook your mom
up too. She´s fine.

Why, you got
a problem with that?

No, dawg,
take it easy.

Hey, don´t be
calling me dawg.

I´m sorry, Dad.

And don´t be
calling me
Dad neither.

What should I call you?

Call me
the Grand Pooh-Bah.

Okay, Grand Pooh-Bah.

Yo, what you doing
in the kitchen?

You getting high?
No.

Why not?

I´m doing homework
with Allison.

Yo, who´s Allison?
Did I hit that yet?
Did I sample that?

No, that´s my
high-school sweetheart.

She´s the girl
I wanna marry.

Oh, my God!

Is this your dad?

You didn´t tell me
your dad was P Daddy
the Nap Master.

I´m your biggest fan.
Tell me to take a nap.

Lie down.

(EXCLAIMS IN DELIGHT)

No, not there,
upstairs in my bedroom.

Allison, I thought
we were gonna
get married.

Why would I want
a broke, big-headed nerd
when I could have this?

But you ain´t
gonna have nothing,
this is mine.

Excuse me?
I´ll fight you for him.

(WOMEN CLAMORING)
Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Hold on.

No. Ladies,
ladies, ladies.

Ya´ll need some space
to fight. Go ahead.

All right, all right.
That´s enough.

What´s the matter, Junior,
you don´t like my version?

It´s just that
I´ve been working
on that one for years.

Now I gotta
come up with
a whole new fantasy.

All right, whose bubble
do I burst next?

Kady, come here.

I want you to tell me
what kind of daddy
you would want me to be.

That´s easy.

The best daddy
in the whole wide world.

Mmm-hmm?

Whoa!

You´re gonna
get in trouble.

You´re gonna
get a spanking.

No, I´m not.
My daddy won´t care,

he´s the best daddy
in the whole wide world.

(CHUCKLING)

(IN SILLY VOICE)
Hello, ladies.

Hello, Mr. Kyle.
Hello, Mr. Kyle.

Oh, me. Oh, my.

Someone made
a spilly-poo
on the floor.

I´ll just get
my super-duper
sweeper friend

and we´ll clean
this mess up in a hurry.

Oh.

All right.
Hey, let´s sing The Happy
Sweeper Song together.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♫ I love my broom

(HOARSELY)
♫ My name is Bill

♫ He helps me out

♫ When there´s a spill ♫

Come on, let´s do it
all together.

(ALL SCATTING)

Yeah, that´s cute.
But it might not be
cute all the time.

Why not?

Well, imagine this.

(SOBBING)
Daddy!

Daddy!

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, Kady,
why all the salty tears?

She fell off
the swing.

And scraped
her knee.

Oh, me. Oh, my.

We´ll just have to sing
The Happy Happy Song

and make that little
boo-boo go away.

No, I need Neosporin.

Oh, no, you just need
to sing and dance.

(LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♫ When you scrape your knee

♫ Just dance with me

♫ We´ll twist and turn

♫ Till you forget
that burn ♫

Come on...
Stop it!
That´s not funny!

Oh, sure it is.

(LAUGHING)

Make him stop!

He´s obnoxious.

(MICHAEL SCATTING)
You´re obnoxious.

Oh, you think
I´m obnoxious, huh?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Poof!

Oh, me. Oh, my.
I wonder where they go.

(SHRIEKING)

(CHUCKLING)

(IN SILLY VOICE)
My plan is working fine.

All right.
Claire, you´re up next.

Okay. But there´s no way
you can ruin this one,

because it´s all about me.

(PRETENDS TO GASP)
I´m shocked!

Hey, Junior.
Oh, hi, Dad.

Where´s your sister?
She´s upstairs.

Oh, Claire, I´m home!

CLAIRE: I´m not
coming down there
if they´re not with you.

Oh, silly,
of course they´re with me.

I wouldn´t be a good dad

if I didn´t bring home
the number one boyband
in the country,

who I happen to manage.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, and these guys
are not just the flavor
of the month either.

What are they called?

Chocolate Chip.

And you guess
which one is the Chip.
Come on in, guys.

Hey, what´s up,
Creston, Thaddeus,
Chip?

Hi, boys.

ALL: Hi, Claire.

All right, guys,
let´s talk about
this upcoming tour.

I figure we´re...
Mike.

Don´t talk about business
when this beautiful
creature is here.

I´m sorry.
Please don´t fire me,
Justin Creston Flick.

You look ravishing today.
No, extraordinary.

No, stupendous.
No.

Claire is like the dew
on a beautiful
morning in spring.

No, when the air
is filled
with honeysuckle.

(HUMMING)

♫ Claire, with
the beautiful hair

♫ Hair
♫ Hair

♫ When she walks by
you have to stare

♫ Stare
♫ Stare

♫ Take me away

ALL: ♫ I don´t care

♫ As long
as Claire is there ♫

Okay, that´s
a good fantasy.

It shows a lot
of imagination.

But it could go
another way.

ALL: Hi, Claire.

Hey, all right, guys,
let´s talk about
this upcoming tour.

I figure we´re...
Mike.

Don´t talk about business
when this beautiful creature
is here.

I´m sorry.
Please don´t fire me,
Justin Creston Flick.

♫ Little Mike
That´s who we like

♫ Mike, he´s our favorite
little man

♫ We wanna
pinch his little can

♫ We love Mike ♫

Hey, they sign
the checks.

It could happen, right?
It may come
as a shock to you,

but the world does not
revolve around Claire.

Is it safe?

Come here.

Daddy was just kidding.

(CHUCKLES SILLILY)

Come here. No, no, no.
Okay. Sit down.

It´s my turn.

Now, I´m going
to describe to you

my fantasy
of perfect children.

(SCOFFS)
Bring it on, Dad.

Okay, see, in my fantasy,
you´re all
mature, responsible,

delightful little children.

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, sweetness.

Have you finished
all your chores yet?

No, silly.
A good worker
creates work.

There is always
something to do.

Besides, I´m energized.
I took three naps today.

I know, I´ll go upstairs
and spend some more
quality time with my sister.

Young people need
a strong role model,

and a good sister
is an active sister.

That´s right.
Bye, Daddy.

Bye, sweetie.

Brother!
Sister!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hi, Junior.

How was
your day today?

Oh, it was a blessing.

Let me tell you.

I was out spreading the
good news of God´s Kingdom
with all of the neighbors.

I´ve ran from three dogs
and got lots of doors
slammed in my face,

but I´m happy.

Do you know why?
Why?

Because it´s
the right thing to do.

Hey, why don´t
you take some time off
from your busy schedule

and watch some
television with me.
Oh, no.

That´s the
devil´s playground.

TVs, movies, video games,
it´s all bad.

I´m gonna go upstairs
and get an article for you.

Right after
I take my nap.

I´ll help you with
your homework, Junior.

Thank you.

Brother! Sister!

Kady!
Kady!

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, pumpkin.

I love you, Daddy.

And look at this.
I love you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, there´s the door.
I wonder who it is.

I´ll get it.

Why, look,
it´s Dr. Klieger!

Boy, have I got
some great news.

I got the results
of Kady´s tests back,

and she´s gonna be
this little and this cute
the rest of your life.

MICHAEL: Wow.

Just like
Gary Coleman.

That´s fabulous.

This is the best news
a dad could ever have.

(LAUGHING)

What do you think
about that?

That´s a fantasy,
all right.

It´s stupid.

It wouldn´t
work, Dad.

And why not?

Think about it.

What would happen
if all of us were perfect?

Hey, Junior, come on,
let´s go shoot some hoops.

I´ll teach you
that turnaround jump.

Oh, no, Dad.
I have no illusions
about my abilities

at the game
of basketball.

So if it´s not a part
of my overall life goal,
why pursue it?

Well, what about
exercise, Son?

Oh, I get plenty of exercise
on the cheerleading squad.

I´m the captain,
you know.

Yeah. None of the fathers
let me forget that.

Um, what about
schoolwork, Son?

Oh, it´s great.
I have a full scholarship

to Harvard, Princeton,
Brown, and DeVry.

Wow, DeVry.

So I guess that means...
Yes.

Your job is done.

Congratulations, Dad,
you´ve raised
a wonderful son.

Well, at least
I still have Claire.

(EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)

Claire!
Coming, Dad.

Hi, sweetie.

I was just
on my way out.

Where are you going?
To the mall?

No. I went to the mall

where I ran into Junior
handing out Watchtowers
in front of the Gap.

And I decided to join him
in his missionary work.

We´re moving to Guam.

You don´t have
to worry, Dad.

The only thing
I´ll be spreading
is the word.

This is terrible.

Can things get any worse?

Daddy, this is my fiance.

What up, dawg? Hey.

You´re joking, right?

No.

He understands me.
He completes me.

Don´t worry, man,
we´re gonna give you
lots of grandbabies.

What are you
talking about, mister?

That´s not good.
Mmm-mmm.

It could happen.

I think we ought to
call a truce.

I think that sounds
like a good idea.

And I think
we should all agree

that we´re
pretty good people
the way we are.

Uh-huh.
That´s right.

You bet.

Look, guys, I know
I´ve been overdoing it
since your mom´s been away.

And it´s because
I just don´t have the same
qualities that she has.

I´m not as patient,
I´m not as sensitive,

and I´m not as nurturing
as she is.

But I´m trying.

You know,
I´m doing the best I can.

And maybe I need to try
a little harder.

You guys are right,
let´s have
some fun together.

How?

I don´t know.
Let´s go put on
some old clothes

and go out in the driveway
and play carwash.

Even I´m not buying that.

Okay, what?
What do you guys wanna do?

I want pizza.

I wanna stay up late
and watch movies.

I want the girls
from my fantasy.

I can´t do that, but I know
Chocolate Chip´s number.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, finally,
the pizza´s here.

I´ll get it.

Hey, I got
three pepperonis here.
Is this the right place?

Hey, there, cutie.

(SCREAMING)

This is terrible.

Can things
get any worse?

Daddy,
this is my fiancé.

What´s up, dawg?

You´re joking, right?

No.

He understands me.
He completes me.

We´re gonna have
a lot of fun.