All language subtitles for A.Childs.Christmases.In.Wales.2009.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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# Silent Night

# Holy Night

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# All is calm

# All is bright... #

# Silent Night

# Holy Night... #

'Christmas 1983 was much the same
as every other year round our way,

'with the oh so sweet
voices of the Cadwalladerb

boys and the imminent
arrival of my father's family.

'You could never be sure my uncles would
be on time. In fact, they rarely were.

'Uncle Huw was usually detained because
he had had an argument with another driver,

'and Uncle Gorwel, well, he
didn't have a car, or a bike.

'In fact, we were never
absolutely confident

he'd still have the
use of both his legs.

'They were due at our
house by 3.30, but my mother

began getting the place
ready well before that,

'and by "well before
that", I mean September.'

Alphabetical order.

Cream, then lilac.

'These days, they call this kind of
thing obsessive compulsive disorder.'

Who's been using the sink?

'At that time, it was
known as housekeeping.

What's it going to look like when
they all turn up and the sink's wet?

Do you want them to
think our family's washing

its hands all the time?
What are we? Robbers?

Might as well be
talking to myself here.

She is talking to herself.

One day, it will be me
sitting around with my feet up.

I'm not sitting around, I'm watching
a film. What are you watching?

Close Encounters Of The
Third Kind. What's with that?

Aliens come down, cause a
bit of bother, go home again.

Any good? I didn't think
much of it to be honest.

Unrealistic.

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah... #

Not the most exciting
verse, this one.

Wasn't too bad when it
was just the two brothers.

Didn't I tell you we'd regret the day
when Shirley Cadwallader had quads?

'Mum had been through eleven
Hoovers in the past five years.

'When she went into Rumbelows,
she just asked for "the usual".

CLOCK CHIMES

Your brothers are
late. They'll be here.

Probably the traffic.
Gets busy Christmas Eve.

# ..Hallelujah! #

DOORBELL RINGS

Carol singers! Settle
up! Got a lot to get round.

If your uncles were
the Three Wise Men, the

baby Jesus would still
be waiting for them now!

Ah!

Merry Christmas, Hywel,
Boys. How are your parents?

Merry Christmas.
That's £5.20, please.

£5? You're joking!

You heard Hark the Herald Angels,
that £3.80, and Silent Night is £1.40.

I thought the spirit of Christmas
was you give whatever you can.

Yes, we obviously
agree with that, but we

do have to balance
it with turning a profit.

Er, that's £5.20, please.

Merry Christmas.

Same to you.

We'll be back Christmas
Eve next year, around 3.15pm.

Right, boys, let's go, let's
go, let's go. I blame the Tories.

'Dad was always annoyed
having to pay for things.

'At church, he only put
money in the collection

plate if the vicar did a
good joke in the sermon.'

£5 that cost me. Oh.

Unbelievable.

Still, I suppose
it's Christmas, eh?

Come here. Oh, get out, stop your
nonsense, we haven't time for that,

your brother will be here in
a minute. Put the kettle on.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh!

'Uncle Huw was
dad's older brother.'

Merry Christmas! 'He ran one of
the biggest carpet firms in Wales

'and was now involved in one of
the country's most bitter divorces.'

Bren!

'One of his favourite phrases
was "All's fair in love and war".'

'Another was "I hate my wife".'

Merry Christmas one and all.

Apart from one. One exception, in
a blouse and high heels, eh, boy?

Hey, Maurice has been looking
forward to seeing Owain all week.

'Maurice had hardly ever spoken
in the six Christmases I could recall.

'He didn't have to.
Uncle Huw talked plenty.'

So I successfully sued
him for £7,500. Damages.

That's the last time anyone will
steal anything from my doorstep, eh?

Now, on to me.

Started with a bang.

Got a conservatory built. £3,500.
What is a conservatory exactly?

It's like a garden, but indoors.

They reckon by 1990
most people will be

living in conservatories
rather than houses.

Sounds lovely. Carpets
are selling well then, Huw?

Yes, like hot cakes. Did
you hear the ad on the radio?

If you want a carpet,
buy one from us.

Oh, good, that is.

Why haven't you got an
ad on the radio, Geraint?

Traffic wardens don't normally
advertise on the radio, Brenda.

Yes, we're sitting
pretty financially.

Despite his
mother's best efforts.

She spends like water, doesn't she? She
pours it all down the drain, doesn't she?

I said your mother's a
waste of space, isn't she?

Geraint, why don't you
go down the phone box

and call Gorwel? He's
nearly half an hour late.

Haven't you got a telephone
fitted yet? No. No need.

Perfectly good public
telephone only minutes away.

'Dad always enjoyed a good
walk, even in the coldest weather.

'Most mornings we
walked two miles to school.

'It was only a mile away, but he
went a long way round on purpose.

'Even putting the number
in took quite a while.

'To dial an international number,
you'd have to put most of the day aside.'

Hello, is Gorwel there?

Right-o.

All that walking and he
wasn't there. Well, never mind.

Had a nice chat
with his flatmate.

Why can't people have
their own phones? Sorry?

Why can't people just
have a tiny little phone?

So you could fit it in your pocket
and take it everywhere you go?

HE CHORTLES Ah, kids!

You should make him put a phone
in, Bren. Oh, you know Geraint.

Anything new, he's suspicious.

Phones, ovens, inside
toilet. Outside toilet, even.

How do you manage?
The neighbours have put a

party line. I go in there
and use that sometimes.

There's no privacy with party lines,
though. You hear all sorts of gossip.

Keep ourselves to ourselves
round here. We're not gossips.

All I know is that Mrs
Evans is having an affair

with the man who came
round to do the grouting.

They talk Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays and he calls her "Sexy Nick".

Yes, well, you should definitely
make him put a phone in.

You've got to embrace
new technology.

Do you know what
I got this year?

A toaster that can do
four slices at once. Oh!

But then mum moved
out, and I lost my appetite.

I can eat four.

Ah, here's Gorwel.

'Uncle Gorwel was
dad's younger brother.

'He'd had a chequered past. He
was now having a chequered present.'

HE COUGHS

Oh! Here he is.

Compliments of the season.

'Uncle Gorwel was a
bit like Father Christmas,

in that we only saw
him once a year.' Huw.

Gorwel?

Who's having a whisky then?

You are, I should imagine.

'But he was unlike Father Christmas
in that he drank whisky for breakfast

'and had once been detained overnight
for streaking at the Royal Welsh Show.'

I managed to hitch a lift here in
the end, back of someone's van, like.

Who was it?

I'm not sure.

They didn't know I was there.

How are you keeping then,
Gorwel? Oh, not bad! Not bad at all.

No run-ins with the law recently.
No more fights with lollipop ladies.

HE CHORTLES

It's been a fairly quiet
year. So, where you living?

I've got a nice little
place down by the coast.

You bought it? Not bought it
bought it, more like a rental.

What do you mean
"like a rental"?

Well, I'm living in someone else's
place, but it differs from a rental

because the owners don't
technically know that I'm there, like.

You're squatting? If
you want to call it that.

Still, I expect it's a nice
house, though, is it?

It's not a house house exactly.

Flat? Aquarium.

So, you're squatting
in an aquarium?

That's about the size of it.
But it's a good aquarium, mind.

Got a shark.

Anyway, enough here.

Gorwel's ship's
about to come in.

I've got a nice little
trick up my sleeve.

Licence to print money. 10-1
on a white Christmas. 10 quid on.

If it snows tomorrow,
hello! I'm up 100 quid.

Have you considered this
might be why you're struggling?

All these harebrained schemes.

You call starting a car
showroom a harebrained

scheme, do you, Huw? I
didn't know you did that.

Mm-hm. Me and a couple
of boys getting it started.

Where are the cars going to come from?
That's the only obstacle at the minute,

but we're well on the
way to getting a room.

You need more of a business plan,
Gorwel. Under this Government...

Don't mention
them in this house.

Under this government, people with
business sense are being rewarded.

Good business is
making money at last.

That's the Tories.

Good business is making money
and everyone else can go to hell.

Not for long, mind. We are going
to get those flaming Tories out.

Just you wait till the election.

I'll be down there,
voting them out.

I'll be down there, standing
up for the working man.

We'll show them that Joe
Public is not to be trifled with!

We'll all stand together!

But, Gorwel, the election's
already happened.

Has it? Yes, it was in June.

The Conservatives
won by a landslide.

Oh. Hmm.

I was unconscious for a couple
of days around then, Bren.

Must have passed me by, like.

Right! Well, you two better
get yourselves up to bed.

Make sure you get
a good night's sleep.

Father Christmas only comes
when you're sleeping. Why?

I didn't make the rules, Owain.

I just abide by
them. Good night.

Boys.

Good night, boys.
Good night, boys.

'After we went to bed,
Christmas Eve really got going.'

Time for a bit of Max, I think.

'We'd hear drinking
and high spirits.

'And then the
sound of Max Boyce.

'I could never really understand who
Max Boyce was or why he shouted so much.

'I assumed he was a PE teacher.'

THEY SING IN WELSH

Madhouse!

'I never knew quite what to say to Maurice.
And he never knew quite what to say to me.

'So we would mostly
just look at each other.

'After four or five hours of
this, it started to drag a bit.'

ALL: Oi! Oi! Oi!

Seems pretty quiet up there.

Maybe they're getting a
good night's sleep. No-o, like!

Thick as thieves, those two.

If I know Maurice, he will
be up to some mischief.

Do you think if you're
blind, you still need to

have your eyes shut for
Father Christmas to come?

SNORING

Bummer.

'Because of Uncle Gorwel's faith that
one day we'd have a white Christmas,

'he gave us sledges every
year. I had a cupboard full.'

It would've been a better
present, if it had snowed, like.

Thank you anyway, Uncle Gorwel.

Hm. I feel like I should give
you something else really.

Oh, don't be silly!

If either of you want my shirt.

Oh, Gorwel, they will
be fine with the sledges.

I've got a ball here. They'll be
fine with the sledges. Right you are.

And for the lovely Brenda...

'Years ago, Gorwel had made
cheese on toast for my parents,

'and, to be polite, my mother pretended
she loved cheese, even though she hated it.

'She was still paying
for this mistake.'

Cheeses of Asia. Getting
closer to the full set.

Fantastic!

Thanks, Dad!

Yes, and while we wait ten years for
that to be set up, welcome to the future.

What on earth is that
when it's at home?

This is the Sinclair
Spectrum ZX.

This is the greatest computer of
all time. What do you do with it?

You play games with it, that's
what! This is the big thing now. Look!

He's been wanting
one of these all year.

He's beside himself.

I've got a load of
games to go with it.

There's Sublime Soccer.

Mind-blowing Golf Challenge 3,

Space Invaders,
More Space Invaders,

Space Invaders Are Back, Space
Invaders Return Once More...

Persistent, aren't they,
the old Space Invaders?

Planning Permission.

"You get to play
a civil servant.

You'll have to read
applications, process paperwork

and make decisions to
shape the future of your town."

Let's get this up, shall we?

Hey, I was watching that!

Sorry, what was it?
Brookside on Channel 4.

Ah, I heard that most people who watch
Channel 4 are Marxist and homosexual.

What is it about this Brookside?

It's about a group of people living in
Liverpool having all these problems.

You can see that any time. Let's
get the old Spectrum set up then, eh?

Get ready to see the future.

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING

Does it always take this long?

No. There must be wrong
with the speed of your television.

'Ere are! It's doing
something now.

HIGH-PITCHED
SCREECHING Good! Come on!

Right!

OK, it's obviously
a faulty tape.

Let's try Ultimate Fishing.

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING

Right then, while we're waiting,
shall we crack on with the game?

Have we got two players?
Stay where you are, Morris.

Can't we just have a
quick game, and then...

then we'll go straight
back to the computer.

I will sue them for every penny.

They'll rue the day...

God help them if they ever
come to me for a carpet!

Right, then, Subbuteo.
How it's played is this,

you get eleven players each...

Mum!

You've got your
five players each.

Oh, Brenda! Well, who
put those down there?

Little men on the floor.

What are with the South Wales Toys
and Collectibles Museum? Madhouse!

Psst!

I've still got that ball.

Hm! Nice to hear
them having fun, isn't it?

Sometimes it's the
simple things, eh?

MUSICAL BLEEPING

Oh, my God! The
computers working!

Morris!

Morris!

Morris, come in here and
play Planning Permission.

I think they're happy with
the ball, Huw. All right, I'll play.

I'll play the flippin' thing!
"Press X to be a local

council official, or Y to
start off as the secretary."

X.

# God rest you merry gentlemen

# Let nothing you dismay

# Remember Christ
our saviour... #

Christmas 1986, and quite a lot had changed
in our neighbourhood in the past few years.

The miners had gone
on strike and stopped

producing coal, the nation
was thrown into chaos.

Dad had gone on strike too
for a few days to show solidarity,

but as he was a traffic warden
people were mostly pretty pleased.

Right, just turn it
by 18 or 19 degrees.

I said 18 or 19. That's
nearly 30. I don't understand

why we waited till Christmas
Eve to get the thing.

Yeah? It's not you that has to
Hoover up its needles for 24 days.

Why not wait them
till after Christmas?

You want people to think
we like walking around

up to our ankles in forest?
What are we, bears?

Might as well be
talking to myself, here.

Right, I've put bleach in the
toilet so try and hold it in, please.

And no going in the fridge.

What, no peeing in the fridge?

What were you watching?

The Snowman.

What happened?

Kid builds a snowman,
they fly about, it melts.

Any good?

Didn't think much of it,
to be honest. Far-fetched.

Here come the Cadwallader boys.

Looks like they've
been recruiting.

# God rest you merry gentlemen

# Let nothing you dismay... #

If they upset your Nativity,
Owen, I'll castrate them.

I'll go out and make sure they
only sing the one song this year.

We're not made of money.

Plus 45p VAT. VAT?

We're trading as a limited
company these days. It's

more tax-efficient. Don't I
pay enough rates as it is?

Merry Christmas! See you next
year. We'll confirm in November.

We're widening our catchment area so it
could be any time from the 23rd onwards.

Merry Christmas.

Right, boys, Gregory Street. Once In
Royal David's City. Let's go! Let's go!

'As always, Uncle Huw and Maurice
had brought the next big thing with them.

'The year before they'd given
me a truck that turned into a robot.

'Didn't think much
of it. Impractical.'

I did try to get hold of
you to see if you wanted

anything, but obviously you
still don't have a telephone.

Geraint still doesn't
see the point.

Phone box up the hill still works
perfectly well, thank you very much.

What about that time those lads
jammed an Opal Fruit in the coin slot?

We couldn't call
anyone for a month!

No-one died. My Auntie Rita
did! We missed the funeral!

All right, one person died.

You really should
get one fitted, Geraint.

Huw, you call someone,
they charge you for it.

You call someone else and they
charge you for that. Never ends.

You're behind the times, Geraint.
We live in a capitalist society now.

You wait till Kinnock gets in.

Conservatives'll be back.

Over my dead body.

I don't know one person
in this town who votes Tory.

They reckon under the Tories we've
all got a lot more income than before.

We can afford more luxury
goods. Oh, I love a luxury good.

Nonsense, "luxury goods".

Machine that washes
dishes, computers, phone

line in every house.
What is this, Dallas?

I don't care who it is,
Labour or the flaming Tories!

They're all the bloody
same, these politicians!

Whether it's Thatcher
or the ginge, I'll still

be sleeping in a beach
hut, living off Coco Pops!

No-one cares for
the working man!

Yes, but you're not a working man, though,
are you, Gorwel. You haven't got a job.

No, I suppose not.

No. Who's having a whisky, then?

You are, I imagine.

Anyway, another good year.

The highlight, of course, was thoroughly
shafting his mother in the courtrooms.

Normally it's the mum that gets the upper
hand in court, but not this time. Bang!

I get custody!

Bang! She's gets rented
accommodation, eh, kiddo? Eh?

She hasn't got her own bathroom
any more, has she, eh? Eh?

You're a bit quiet,
there, Maurice.

All right, son?

Course he's all right.

He's doing excellently
at school. So's Owen.

Maurice captained
the Meccano team.

Owen got to the quarter-finals
of Plasticine '86, didn't you, pal?

Maurice's teacher says
that he's not showing any

ill-effects at all from being
in a one-parent family.

Didn't she, Maurice? Maurice!

'Maurice was as quiet as usual.

'But he'd started to seem
a bit more threatening.

'I decided it might be an
idea to stay on his good side.'

Going through one of
those phases. You know,

that's what they're
like. They er... First of all

they idolise you, then
they react against you.

When exactly did
he idolise you, Huw?

Until he started
listening to that...

homosexual music.

He loves his art and
his woodwork, that boy.

That Nativity scene's his pride and
joy. Obsessed with it, isn't he? Yes.

Why'd you make that?

Got me out of playing rugby.

Still believe in Father
Christmas? Dunno. Do you?

I dunno.

My father said he doesn't
come round our house.

He said, "I'm not letting some git
with a white beard get all the credit.

"I sold a lot of rugs to
get you that train set".

Trouble with art, though -

there's no money in it. Oh,
there's money in it if you steal it.

Me and some of the boys
looked into nicking the Mona Lisa.

Down Paris, like. Swines
have got it behind a screen now.

Spoil sports.

Anyway... I bet you're
wondering what's in that box.

Well, this year, I decided to get
you a little Christmas Eve present.

This is an artificial tree.

What's the point of that?
No more pine needles

on the floor, Ben,
messing it up, the carpets.

Oh, d'you know, I've
been on at Geraint to do

something about the pine
needle problem for years.

Well, eventually, they reckon these will
replace real trees in forests. Oh, really?!

And no smell.

Beautiful.

Right. Just turn it 30 to 35 degrees
anti-clockwise. No, anti-clockwise.

I don't understand why we
can't just have both trees.

You want people to
think that we're so greedy

we have two trees? What
are we, an arboretum?

This is going to be my
year, this. I can feel it.

100 quid on a white Christmas.

One flake of snow falls
tomorrow, they'll owe. A grand, like.

Where did you get £100? I got one
of those business loans off the social.

I told them I wanted a hundred
quid to start a DIY company.

So, you defrauded
the social services.

Well, it was half-true, like.

I did want a hundred quid.

Anyway, snow comes down overnight,
I've got the equipment to deal with it.

Who's having a whisky?

You are, I imagine.
What's castrate mean?

Sorry, Owen?

You said you'd castrate
whoever knocked over my Nativity.

What's castrate
mean? Well, it's erm...

Well, it's erm...

It's er...

Like a haircut. Yeah,
it's er... your hair...

Except with your knackers.

THEY SING IN WELSH

Oi! Oi! Hey, we've not heard
a peep out of them all night.

I bet you they're up there
plotting something now.

# Hang the DJ

# Hang the DJ

# Hang the DJ... #

It's stupid, Christmas. We're all
just going to die in the end anyway.

'Maurice had started
talking quite a bit about death.

'On a whole, I think I preferred
it when he didn't say anything.'

THEY SNORE

Bum.

THEY ALL CHATTER

Ready? One, two, three!

Oh, yes! That's four
times in five years.

Could have made a
few quid out of that stuff.

Never mind. Roll on
next year, I will have you.

Well, who wants
some more potatoes?

Aw, no, thanks.

I've got 67 left.
Ah, Brenda, please.

I'll take a doggy bag off you.

Last time it saw me
through till February.

We'll keep the Christmas pudding
until after the Queen's Speech.

Good idea. Have you
got a colour TV yet?

No, Geraint still
isn't convinced.

Ours has got 2 million colours.

Which ones? Red,
yellow, all the greats.

Two is enough for
me. Brings things to life.

Did you know Lenny
Henry is a black fella?

I tell you what programme I like,
the EastEnders. What's that about?

People living in London
having all these problems.

Oh, I'll look out for that.
You haven't got a television.

I've got a trick up my sleeve.

What I do, I go down the TV shop
and watch it through the window.

You get to see it 20 times that
way! But you can't hear what they say.

Oh, I get the gist of it.

I saw most of the World Cup
and Last Night Of The Proms.

You can hardly watch The
Proms without hearing the sound.

Actually, I never
enjoyed it so much!

Listen up, this is simple.

If you get more than
half the balls, you've won.

Our side of the family
is all about winning.

This year, I carpeted
Shirley Bassey's bathroom

whilst your mother
is now a dinner lady.

We're winners.

Right, fingers on hippos.

Ready? Go!

Keep hitting the lever.
Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.
Keep hitting the lever.

Mad house, this is.

Keep hitting the lever!

Stop! Stop! Let's count 'em up.

Let's hope there was enough.

It was good. Owen's
hippo has 10 balls.

Rhys's hippo has nine balls.

Well done, Owen.

Well, it's not
about winning, is it?

There's meant to be 20
balls. Cracking game that, lads.

Who wants to play find my socks?

There's mean to be 20 balls.
There's obviously one ball missing.

Now, who wants a bit
of Christmas pudding?

Never mind Christmas pudding!

Where's the 20th ball? It invalidates
the result of the game. Never mind.

Where is the
other ball? Leave it!

There's meant to be 20 balls.

If there's only 19 it turns Hungry
Hippos into a complete farce!

We can call it a draw.
We could, could we?

A safe little draw. A nice safe
little draw and put our petticoats...

I'll give him petticoats. No, sorry,
we're going to have a rematch

I don't think we
should. I bet you don't.

You would rather say it was a safe
draw and play with My Little Ponies.

Actually, Huw,

Owen won.

He is offering you a
draw out of charity.

Charity?

Well, I tell you what,

at least I don't get my
clothes from a charity shop.

Oh, do something, Geraint.

It's just a bit of fun. I might
not have a lot of money, right,

but what I do do have I
didn't get by screwing up my

marriage and then screwing over
my wife in court. No offence, Maurice!

At least I earn my money
by providing carpets,

rather than getting sacked
from a meat processing

plant for stealing sheep and
selling them second hand.

One! I stole one sheep.

At least I've got a nice big house,
big enough for a television and a toilet.

At least I learned how to use a toilet
rather than wetting the bed until I was 15!

13!

I was 13. Oh, yes,
this is just a bit of fun.

Right! You and I are going
to settle this once and for all.

Let's have it!

Take a hippo. I
don't think... Shut it!

I said...

take a hippo.

On three.

One, two... Ha, ha, ha!

The pudding!

Fire! That's a fire!

Don't just stand there!
Wrap yourselves in a carpet.

I set a mate of mine on fire once
and they wrapped him in a carpet.

We're not on fire.
We will be in a minute.

Stand back!

A glass of water is no good,
Geraint! Stay where you are!

Call 999! Has anyone
got 10p for the phone?

The bloody tree! We're
done for! We're going to die!

Can anyone chang a pound
note? We're all dead men!

I need change. We are dead!

Where's Mum gone? I love you,
Maurice, my dead son! Stand back!

Bren, you saved our
life. Good work, Bren.

Aargh!

The fire was
already out, Gorwel.

Better safe than sorry, Bren.

Not now, Geraint.

Trivial Pursuit?

Easy, careful
you don't knock it.

OK.

Just six degrees more.

Six, mind. Don't go mad.

# Hark, the herald angels sing

# Glory to... #

'Christmas 1989, the
'80s were coming to an

end, a terrible recession
was around the corner.

'It was a time of revolution, the
Berlin Wall had just come down -

'it inspired many people
to dream of change.

'It inspired Dad to take
down the fence in the garden.

'We had got a video player
and even a telephone.'

At the third stroke it
will be 3.13 precisely.

'But we were only allowed
to use it for emergencies.

'And we had to make sure all
emergencies happened after 6pm.'

Who's been using this phone?

Essential calls only, please.

I might as well be
talking to myself, here.

'Mum was still cleaning like a maniac
or, she called it, maintaining standards.

'It's funny what you think is
normal when you are young.

'It wasn't till my first week
at university that I realised

'I was the only person who
brought his own tea-towels.'

What you watching? Ben Hur.

What happened? Ben Hur was a Jewish prince,
sold into slavery, endured many hardships

and great suffering before
returning to take revenge

in one of the most expensive
closing scenes ever made.

All in Technicolor.

Any good? Didn't think
much of it, to be honest.

No, we didn't think much of it.

Long.

One day it'll be me
sitting around with my feet

up watching people
being sold into slavery.

DOORBELL RINGS

Well, I never.

The cheek of it.

Your brothers are
five minutes early.

What do they think we
are, a drive-in cinema?

Come on, you two.
Chop-chop. Look lively.

What was really moving about
spending time with Tom Jones,

a man who's had the hits he's
had and the underwear thrown

at him, is that underneath
it all, he is just a man.

A man with a pair of
trousers on. Like you or me.

Does something
smell funny in here?

At one point we were on
the veranda and he turned

to me, Tom Jones, and
you know what he said?

"Pass us those biscuits."

That's right. Eats biscuits.

Just like you or I eat biscuits.

Can someone smell
something sort of...?

And that's what you notice
about really great men.

Humility. At one point we
were in his swimming pool,

I was on his lilo -
shaped like a crocodile -

just like a normal person's lilo.
He turned to me, Tom Jones...

I'm sorry to interrupt you but I think
something smells funny under this tree.

SHE SNIFFS Oh!

That's my gift to
you, that is, Bren. Oh!

It might be edible.

I look forward to tomorrow.

It might be the biggest
Stilton in Wales, like.

Gosh!

Anyway, I suppose the point I'm
trying to make about Tom Jones,

if I am trying to make a
point at all, is above all...

I won a competition back in the 70s
to spend a day with Jimmy Saville.

He hardly compares
to Tom Jones, does he?

No. Good. Right, well...

He was running a marathon the
week after so we didn't get up to much.

A bit of circuit
training, press-ups.

I don't think that was worth
interrupting me for, do you?

Oh gosh, Maurice,
you are getting tall.

Yes, he's had a terrific year of
growing. Very impressive year.

Obviously eating all his greens.

No, not just greens - all
sorts. I've had a lady in to cook.

Housekeeper?

Girlfriend.

Maurice, put the tape on.

Come on, you big lump.

Where did you meet her?

Ah, put one or two...

You know, one or two
personal ads in the...

Been advertising in the
lonely hearts, have you, Huw?

They're called personal
ads these days. Oh, aye.

What did you put
about yourself, Huw?

Very rich, highly sexual
man, as heard on radio advert.

Has a large workforce, hires
and fires at the drop of a hat.

Knows Tom James and
has been on Jones's lilo.

Would like to meet a woman
with a high sense of hygiene.

Shush! It's starting.

I'll tell you later on.

Oggy, Oggy, Oggy!

Oy, Oy, Oy!

Oy, Oy, Oy!

Shush, Maurice.

He's going through one
of those phases, you know.

Listening to all this American
music and having thoughts.

THEY SING ALONG

It didn't work out too well.

Sorry.

'Looking back, I wonder
if I'm exaggerating

'some of the things mum
did around the house.

'Either that, or by this time
she was starting to get a bit...

'well...

'odd.'

Number 30, the Preeces.

OK, We Wish You
A Merry Christmas.

Remember to smile.

One, two, three, four...

# We Wish You A Merry Christmas

# We Wish You A Merry Christmas

# We Wish You a
Merry Christmas... #

Blimey, they're here.
Where's the cheque book?

I tidied it.

Where is the blasted thing?

I tidied it away.

I'm sure things
in this house just

sprout legs and walk away.

I might as well be
talking to myself here.

And I wish you'd stop wishing
us a merry Christmas. Oh!

Ah, got it!

What's that flaming racket?

They come every year. You're
normally too late to see them.

Get rid of them, will you?
We're missing Max, here.

You can pause it. It
wears the tape out.

Just stop it and start again.

It wears the tape out.

Well, can we just watch it another...
For God's sake, man, think of the tape.

# We wish you a merry
Christmas and a happy New Year. #

Very nice. Merry Christmas.

Now, we're going to do some
new stuff. This is Mull of Kintyre.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's not a Christmas song.

We found the whole
Christmas thing a bit limiting.

We see ourselves more as a group
who outgrew the Christmas market.

This is our debut compact
disc. It's not out till next year,

but if you buy it off us
now it's 50p cheaper.

We're trying to watch a
video in there. Can I just...?

Well, if you're not
interested in the new stuff,

will leave you with one of our
classics - The Holly And The Ivy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop!

# The holly and the ivy

# When they are both full grown

# Of all the trees
that are in the wood

# The holly bears the crown... #

What's he doing out there?
We're missing Max here.

I'm going to shut them
up myself in a minute!

Yeah, yeah, you're all talk,
you are. What's that, Huw?

You, you're all talk. You're
not going to do anything.

Here we go,

the traditional
conversation, right.

Gorwel never achieves anything.

Gorwel had to sell some
of his clothes this year.

Leave him alone. Never mind.

You're right,
Huw. I am all talk.

I'm just an idiot who
spends all his money

buying novelty cheeses
for his sister-in-law.

I never do anything useful.

I never do anything.

Anything except this.

Gorwel!

WHISTLE BLOWS

That's enough, thank you.

Bye-bye. Hey,
what are you doing?

Someone's got to stop
'em. Why can't it be Gorwel?

Where did you get
that whistle from?

I carry it for
situations like this.

Do you realise that disturbing
the peace is a crime?

Do you realise that singing
badly is a crime, too?

Do you know who
you're talking to? Yes.

I'm talking to you,

and quite frankly I've had just
about enough of your racket.

I'm trying to watch Max Boyce!

Who the hell wants
to watch Max Boyce?

I'll give you one chance
to take that back, boy.

Is he even still alive?

You don't say that about Max.

You don't do that.

SHOUTING AND SCUFFLING

Watch the nativity!

SHOUTING

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold
me back! Hold me back!

Oh, my giddy aunt!

Can I go out?

No. Watch Max Boyce, please.

I don't understand the jokes.

I have never
understood the jokes,

but you don't hear me
complaining, do you?

It's all about the old days.

The 1970s is not the
old days, is it, Huw?

No.

Wales has gone soft.
It's gone soft, I tell you.

You can't punch anyone. You
can't kick a man's tambourine.

How much did you have to pay?

Because it was Christmas they
let me off with 50 quid bail, like.

Plus another 50 for
four taxis to the hospital.

And 20 quid to the
tambourine bloke...

..for his tambourine.

And where are you going
to find that sort of money?

I got a little trick
up my sleeve.

A little trick called
not paying it.

They'll catch up with
you. I'll be all right.

The boys down the aquarium
will have me back, I'm sure of it.

I can lend you the
money, Gorwel.

I can't take your money, Huw.

Oh.

OK.

Well, thinking about it, I,
er... I might be able to take it.

Right, well...

Offer's there.

The more I consider it, the more I
feel I could definitely take the money.

Good.

Right.

Who's having a whisky?

I don't think you should
have any more, Gorwel.

I don't think so
either, but here we go.

'I couldn't work out how Maurice had got
so big that he hardly fitted in the room.

'Or how his hair
had got like that.

'I wondered if a similar
thing might happen to me.

'Still, we got along
as well as usual.'

SNORING

Snow!

Snow!

GORWELL YELLS

Snow! HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

# Gorwel Rhys has

# Gorwel Rhys has

# Gorwel Rhys has won a grand!

# Gorwel Rhys has won a
grand... # A mad house, this is.

I've won a grand! Get down,
Gorwel! I've won a grand! Gorwel!

When we finish with the
presents, let's get sledging like.

But the snow has melted.

Oh, don't worry about that.
We'll grease 'em up, and off we go.

I really don't think this is a
good idea. Trust me, Bren.

I waited 15 years
for it to snow, like.

Every dog has its day.

You're not an animal, Gorwel.

I'm the closest thing we've got.

Come on, boys. Geraint,
we can't go tobogganing.

Talk some sense
into him, will you?

Geraint!

Er... Gorwel...

Well, this is a stupid
idea. I really don't think...

Oh, you worry too much, Bren.

Yes, well your problem is you
don't worry enough, Gorwel.

I can't be doing with
that pessimism stuff.

Who was it that said I'd
never climbed Mount Everest,

or take over Blankety
Blank? But you haven't.

Yet.

Oh! Come on then, boys.

Let's have it!

Now the key to winning
a sledge race is all

about coming down that
hill as fast as you can.

You are going to go
down the hill, down the hill.

What you mustn't do is
think about going up the hill.

I'm not getting on
the flaming sledge.

Don't be ridiculous, boy. How else
are you going to win a sledge race?

You can't tell me what to do.

Are you disobeying me, boy?

I'm not a boy! I'm
16 in two weeks.

I will decide when you're
16, thank you very much.

Right now you're
going to listen to me.

Everybody here is waiting
for you to get on that sledge.

Do you want to be remembered as
the one who spoilt everybody's fun?

No-one else thinks
we should sledge.

Everyone except you and
Gorwel wants to go home.

What, so you know that, do you? You
know what everybody wants, do you?

Why don't you ask them?
Go on. Let's have a vote.

Who thinks that we should
sledge down this hill?

Well, I don't think much
of the idea, to be honest.

It's treacherous, but,
well, if Owen wants to.

I'm just worried that
someone's going to get hurt,

but if Owen's got his
heart set on it then...

I don't really fancy it.

There you go. You see?

No-one but you and Gorwel
thinks that we should do it

and Gorwel's not
right in the head. How

dare you say that
towards your Uncle Gorwel!

You said it yourself.

You said if there was any sense,

they'd lock him up in the
aquarium and throw away the key.

He's distorting. I didn't...

I'll tell you another thing,
my boy... I'm not your boy!

Yes, you flaming well are!
Those tests were inconclusive.

I'm not anyone's boy.

I don't need you.

All you ever done for me is
boss me around, talk down to me.

"Shut up, Maurice.
Go over there, Maurice.

"Maurice, this is my girlfriend.

"She's a dog walker, but
also does erotic dancing."

Nothing wrong with
having a dual income.

Well, not this time.

This time you're
going to do what I want,

and we're not
sledging down that hill.

No-one is sledging
down that hill.

Watch out! Watch out, Bren!

CRASH!

I told you one day it'd be me
sitting around with my feet up.

You know what you
did was very impressive.

Anybody can look at
their father and say hero,

but you realised I'm just a man,

like Tom Jones,

and like Tom, I make mistakes.

In the New Year, I thought perhaps
we could spend some more...

father and son time together.

Quality time.

Do you want to go
to Alton Towers?

Yeah? Good lad, yeah, I
know a couple of people there.

Like Tom Jones, I'll get
it shut down for the day

so we can have it to
ourselves. Huw, come back.

Better go and help finish off.

What are you watching?

It's A Wonderful Life.

What happened?

This chap was depressed, and then
it turns out that life is, er, wonderful.

Any good?

I quite liked it.

Everybody, please take you places
at the table. The dinner is prepared.

Come on, Bren. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
sorry for the delay.

The Rhys brothers proudly
present the turkey. Sandwiches.

Oh!

Do you know, I love
a turkey sandwich.

Oh, hold on a minute, Bren. I
made you a special sandwich, like.

Oh! There we are. Thank you.

There we are.

Stilton.

Gorwel...

I don't actually like cheese.

What?! Gone off it, have you?

I've never liked it, I just
didn't know how to tell you.

In that case, Bren, I apologise
for having got you over

ten years' worth of cheese
and related paraphernalia.

It's the thought that counts.

I must admit, I'm
a little relieved.

I was having a helluva time
tracking down cheeses of Antarctic.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

ALL: Merry Christmas!

'So although every Christmas was the same
- in a way, this one was a bit different.

'Huw had learned
to value his son.

'My parents, to
value each other.

'Gorwel had learned not to hurtle
towards people on a toboggan.

'A lesson he sadly
forgot only days later.

'And me, not sure
what I learned really.

'But for what it's
worth, I've passed it on.

'Merry Christmas.'

"WE WISH YOU A MERRY
CHRISTMAS" PLAYS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd