Original subtitles

hoetinkhof79

And that, my friend, is why I wipe back to front.

Puppy wanna help?

Yes! Yes! Yes, puppy wanna help!

Puppy wanna help! Yeah, that's a good bitch.

Did you kill all these guys?

Yeah. I mean, he did most of it.

Hey, now, you nicked that nerdy one over there in the thigh meat.

Probably hit an artery.

Granted, I had to finish him off,

but I mean, all that wailing.

I mean, drama queen!

Yeah.

Hey, don't worry. You'll get there. I know it.

Yeah.

Here, catch!

There's a good boy. Hoo-hoo!

Now load up the rest. Please, just let me go.

I-I told you everything that I know about Stone.

Bad doggy! No speak!

Ah, I'm out of ammo. Gotta fill this up.

You keep an eye on him.

You know that psychopath's not your friend, right?

Oh, and you are?

You sold me out to Stone for a pat on the head.

You couldn't give two fucks about me.

I give more than two fucks about you!

I'm so sorry, Stu, but I was wrong,

and you are wrong about that clown.

He's gonna kill a lot of people,

maybe even us. No, he's not Stone.

Sweet Tooth listens to me. We're "S" brothers.

Both of our names start with "S."

Oh, my God.

Look, it-it's like a bonding thing.

Stu, I've known you since we were chucking crayons

at Carter Delauro's head in second grade.

This isn't you.

Shut the fuck up.

Load up those bombs.

Ah, I dropped a few kidney stones in there.

I gotta drink more water.

Something wrong, boys?

Nope.

We're just talkin' about shootin' stuff and killing things.

And-and tits. Titties.

Well, my plan has two out of three of those things,

unless the tits are ours.

You know, Stone thinks we're dead.

We could go anywhere in the world if we want to right now.

What if we, I don't know, start over maybe?

Nah. I got a better idea.

Oh, you look phenomenal, like chips off the old block.

Harold, open wide!

Stubert, would you do the honors?

I'll say when.

You're an idiot, John Doe.

Where the hell even am I on this map?

Is that a vagina?

Ah, fuck.

Fuck you, doe!

Where is this package?

Shit.

Goddamn it, Quiet.

Aw, fuck me.

Come on, you piece of shit.

I know you got some juice. Come on.

Come on. God damn it.

What am I doing?

What the fuck am I doing?

Partners, my ass. What's the next move?

I just show up in San Francisco and knock on the gate and be like, "Hey, what's up?

"Remember that dillweed you hired to do that thing?

"Well, he died in a fiery explosion, but I'm here."

Fuck!

Go ahead, asshole! Easiest kill of your life!

Uh, you okay?

Do I look okay?

Damn, that milkman did you wrong.

It just goes to show,

you never know where you stand with someone

'til push comes to shove.

Reminds me of my ex, Tasha.

The two of us used to love jackin' people,

scavenging, having fun.

We were thick as thieves.

It sounds like you were just thieves.

Yeah. Then she left me for her true love.

Mm, John had someone else, too.

Oh, let me guess. Blonde, huge cans,

curves in all the right places,

and a big old donk,

firm yet pillowy at the same time?

That's very specific, Mark, but no.

It was a 2002 Subaru.

Kinky. Not that I'm judging,

seeing as how Tasha left me for meth.

Loved that beautiful blue crystal so much it killed her.

Now she's up in heaven doing angel dust with baby Jesus.

Our nest broke up not soon after.

I'm sorry.

Um, you know, since we're being honest,

that whole vulture nest thing is really fuckin' dumb.

Do you think I like wearing tires in my spare time?

No. It's impractical as all hell,

but if you wanna be a vulture, you gotta stick to the theme.

Mmm. And me?

I'm a vulture, through and through.

Come on, Mark, I thought we were bonding.

Yes, we shared a moment, and it was lovely.

You're a great person, but that's not gonna stop me

from taking that fancy backpack you're so keen on.

I know it's worth something.

So hand it over.

Fine, you want it?

Go get it.

Now that's just childish.

Tasha, I'm comin', baby.

Need a lift?

How'd you know I was out here?

We didn't.

Here. These'll help.

Hey. I'm so happy I could find you.

I figured you'd follow the map.

Sorry for everything I put you through out there.

I made a mistake. Where's Evelyn?

She didn't make it.

Cool. So it was worth it then.

One is squirrel, one is opossum.

Didn't know which one you preferred, so...

Figure we could do a taste test.

Talked to the chef.

He said the opossum is real tender today.

He likes to take herbs and spices

and stuff 'em in the gut pouch.

Goddamn, Quiet, don't do that.

Squirrels don't grow on trees.

I mean, they do kinda,

but still gotta hunt 'em, and they're hard little fuckers to hit.

So I got good news and bad news.

What do you want first?

Good news. Bad news.

Okay, glad to see you're both on the same page.

I'm a glass-half-empty gal, so let's start with bad.

Stone's men fell back to the dam

ever since the clown took out his bases.

Sweet Tooth? He still kicking around?

He's got Stone all hot and bothered.

He basically just pissed in a hornet's nest.

So getting to New San Francisco through the dam, it ain't gonna work.

But now the good news,

I heard tell of another way through.

There's a hole in Stone's blockade.

It's a night's drive from here.

I mean, the lawmen on the road,

they're not gonna make your trip any easier,

but at least you won't be walking

right into Stone's kitchen.

And we can get you close,

but after that I'm taking the convoy north.

We don't want any part in this fight.

So if you want to get through,

you're gonna need one motherfucker of a car.

It sounds like we have our work cut out for us.

So there's a "we" now. Get this straight.

The only reason I haven't thrown you

out of the back of this fucking rig

is because I want inside.

I want a new life, a life where I don't have to

look at your fucking face every goddamn minute.

Good talk.

My grandfather was a rancher. Cattle.

He had a huge herd, hundreds of animals.

Cattle, they're delicious, of course.

Cheeseburgers, whatnot.

But you know what else they are?

They're dumb.

If you leave a gate open,

these stupid assholes will just wander through,

eat your crops, destroy property,

shit all over the place.

Hell, they'll even shit on each other.

Like I said, dumb.

Like Carl!

But my grandfather also had dogs,

strong, proud, fierce.

A dog can control these beasts,

move 'em from pasture to pasture.

A stray runaway, they bring that stray back.

They were in control.

Now we have strays in our herd.

The mute, the milkman, they defy us!

This is our land! These are our roads!

We're the dogs, we control the herd!

We will never go back to the way things were.

Never! Am I right?

Bababooey.

Don't worry, baby, you're in good hands.

Thankfully, this isn't my first time.

I just need to check your eyeballs, okay?

Come on, you stupid motherfucker.

Oh, Tasha.

I bet you hated all these fucking songs.

I'm so sorry.

Can you grab that for me?

You have hands.

Yeah, and both of 'em are deep in this car's guts.

So can you just pass it to me, please?

I would love to.

Goddamn it! I said I'm sorry.

What else do you want from me?

Um, for you to eat shit and kiss my ass.

So should I eat shit before or after I kiss your ass?

'Cause the order matters.

Just want to make sure I'm doing it right.

Come on, talk to me.

Why? It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

Fucking bullshit.

If it mattered, you would've come with me

instead of choosing to stay with a fucking car.

You told me we were partners in this, but we're not.

I'm a passenger riding shotgun.

Quiet...

You got something snappy to say now, John?

You gonna tell me how wrong I was?

When I watched that fireball explode in the woods,

I thought you were fucking dead.

I thought I'd lost you.

And I'm so fucking tired of losing people.

And you knew that, John, and you didn't care.

'Cause you don't care about anyone but you.

Tire's got a leak.

That was supposed to be a surprise.

Figured you'd like the easy access.

But if you don't, I can take it out,

and you can use it for whatever you want.

No, it's fine. I like it.

Quiet...

Look, I fucked up.

Evelyn has been my home for 20-something years.

Before her, I just felt cold.

Alone.

And I promised myself I'd never feel like that again.

So losing her meant I would go back to being

that same sad-ass little boy.

But that's not even what hurt the most.

Look, in the past ten days

we've fought, tried to kill each other,

did interesting things to each other's bodies

in a ball pit.

I can't imagine day 11 without you.

I'm better with you.

I think maybe you're better with me, too.

I know what I did was shitty.

And I'm sorry.

I don't have to be in the driver's seat all the time.

I want to be a partner

if that's still a thing.

It was pretty shitty.

It was the shittiest.

Damn, girl, you gonna jump up on it already. Ow!

Come on, man, something's wrong.

Drive-by! We're taking fire!

It's the law. Get down!

We have casualties in rig four!

We need a medic on rig eight!

I need backup now! Move it!

Them piece of shit lawman killed three of our drivers.

We're about to make it more than even.

If I were you, I would get some better artillery

than them dinky pea-shooters everyone had.

Looks like she's got the right idea.

All set. Let's go. Let's move.

This one. It speaks to me.

Yeah, it speaks to me, too.

It says, "I'm too heavy."

The car can handle it, dickhead.

It's about balance.

We have weapons, armor, speed, and handling.

Too much of one, you lose the other.

Car's too heavy, low speed,

sluggish handling.

So if we're gonna add any weight,

I say we add armor.

If you're fast enough, it won't matter.

Did you just give me a compliment?

I said if.

Oh, hello.

I can't believe Watts just had this shit laying around.

Do you know how rare ballistic glass is?

It's a windshield, you fucking dork. Relax.

You're acting like you just got your first BJ.

This shit is bulletproof!

And when I got my first BJ,

I was very nice, I'll have you know.

I even said thank you.

I bet you had to say please, too.

How do you know how to do all this stuff anyway?

Mnh, you just try different pieces

'til you find the one that fits.

That doesn't make any sense.

Somebody had to teach you how to do this.

Some things come natural, like breathing or driving.

No, it's not natural.

You have to be taught how to drive.

Nuh-unh. Uh-huh.

Nuh-unh. Uh-huh.

Nuh-unh.

Babies don't know how to drive.

Think about that.

I think it's done.

Here's the moment of truth.

What do you want to name her?

Pfft, I don't know, I mean, how did you decide on Evelyn?

Mnh-mnh, she just felt like an Evelyn.

And I found a license plate that said "Evelyn."

Okay, thief.

I don't know, this hunk of junk feels like...

Roadkill.

Roadkill. I love it.

I wish we had some tunes.

Oh.

Oh, no, not a mix.

No, that's like Russian roulette.

Come on.

For Tasha.

You got lucky.

Okay, Watts, we're ready to roll.

I think we're ready to fuck shit up.

Oh, there's a "we" now.

Look, if we don't make it-- Fuck that shit.

San Francisco or bust, baby.

So this is Stone's blockade.

Girthy.

I don't see any lawmen. Maybe they all left.

A car graveyard, not creepy at all.

Huh, "resisted."

What'd you say?

What? I'm just saying what they're saying.

Stone's here.

What?

Why'd we stop?

I'm gonna make truck nuts out of your ballsack, milkman!

Gotta hand it to the guy, he's got good traps.

A little help?

We're on it.

Uh, baby, things aren't looking so good out here.

You ready?

The wind's about to change in our favor, Amber.

A twister's coming.

I'm so sick of that fucking clown!

It's time, Stu. Light 'er up.

Time to play.