Original subtitles

hoetinkhof79

Oh, no!

Ow, ow! Hot!

That was quite a crash, son.

Oh, look at that goose egg.

Where are your parents, sweetie?

I don't know.

How old are you?

10, 11?

I--I don't know.

The crash must have rung your bell.

Well, let's start simple. You got a name?

I don't know!

I don't know! Shh, shh!

Hey, hey, it's okay. Let me help you.

I can help get you home safe.

Wait!

Fat chance, kid! Watkyn's storm's a comin'.

Hey, that's my car!

Who is this asshole?

Give me those glasses. The sun's bullying me.

I can't, I'm dyin'.

Say nice things at my funeral.

Take the time to speak highly of my good deeds.

Man, dudes cannot handle hangovers for shit.

No hangovers in New San Francisco,

I'll tell you that.

Oh, I had this sexy pork tenderloin last time.

God, I can't wait.

I can't wait for a dog.

Nah, too gamey.

What? No! Not to eat.

Oh.

I always wanted a pet.

You know, like a wolfdog with three legs named Patrick.

I'm not taking care of a dog.

Nobody asked you to!

Well, we're living together. I mean...

What? Are we living together?

What? No!

What? No! Why? No!

I mean, like living together in the same city.

Oh.

You call me to walk your dog when you're not home,

at your home, and I'm home at my home.

See, two separate homes.

So, that makes two homes.

Hmm.

Unless you want to live together.

Do you? I don't know.

Do you?

You seem like a shitty roommate.

I mean, you can't even share your fuckin' sunglasses.

Yeah, I can share my shitty popcorn.

Wow, your aim is so good.

Oh, shit!

Is this the infamous photo?

Hey! Dude, what the hell happened?

You were so cute.

Take it easy with that. Oh!

This is the only photo you have of your past life

and you keep it in your visor.

I think I can handle holding it for one...

Shit!

I fuckin' told you to be careful.

Stupid!

Hey, I said stay back with Evelyn and watch the package.

I can do two things.

How old were you in that photo anyway?

How does anyone keep track of that shit?

I mean, birthdays, moon phases,

cut your dick open and count the rings.

Can we just focus on finding the picture?

We're running out of day light.

Oh, found it!

Ah-ah, what do you say?

Don't drop it again. Hmm.

Come on, get in the car!

No, no, no, no!

Ugh!

Fucking holy men!

Goddamn...

I can't believe some fucking holy men stole our--

What the fuck did you do?

John. Fuck.

Okay, we've been walking for an hour and you haven't said shit.

I don't know what else to say, John.

I fucked up.

If you want to focus on being mad, then... go ahead.

I guess we'll just walk until we die.

This isn't the first time I lost Evelyn.

Vultures took her one time, Necros another time.

Oh, shit!

One time I just forgot where I parked her.

Okay, well, that's stupid.

Yeah, it's stupid, but every time I've lost her,

she's come back to me.

Then let me help you find her this time.

Please.

Fine.

Wait, wait! Where you going?

I'm following the bells. That's where Evelyn is.

We can't just waltz into a holy man murder-palooza.

You saw what those fuckers did to the convoy's milkman.

Evelyn is so close. We need to go get her back.

And I can't do it by myself.

So, what do you say, partner?

Okay.

Let's go get your car.

Great. What?

We've gotta go get those masks off

those holy men we killed so we can blend in.

Isn't that like an hour that way?

I'm just gonna wait here.

Did you hear me?

He didn't hear me.

Please, please.

Ugh!

Stomach, shut up!

Oh...

Oh.

Nasty!

Excuse me, sir.

Too bad.

TP, beans...

Whoa!

Jackpot!

Sounds like this is it.

I don't love how moist this mask is.

At least your guy didn't have a beard.

I'm gonna be pullin' face pubes out of my mouth all night.

Ick!

Also, we gotta work on your dude voice.

Dude voice? Yeah.

Holy men. You gotta fit in.

Go deep, let me hear it.

Um...

I love killing and guns, I do.

Just try not to talk. Right-o, governor!

I'm gonna kill you.

Well, I'm gonna kill you. Let's do it.

Cool party, huh?

Dinner for the sinner!

Holy shit!

How are these guys not dead already?

Stop staring. Just blend in.

My man!

I want that! Too fuckin' bad!

From one brother to another, I propose a clash.

Let it begin!

At least they're having a good time.

Uh, he's not.

Holy shit!

Maybe he deserved it.

I didn't.

Cool. I hate this place.

Kiss my leather!

We worship you! Bend down.

Okay, Evelyn has to be here.

So, just blend in with these freaks

until we find her.

Damn, very flexible.

Oh, shit! Uh, uh...

Oh, bullocks.

Who told you to speak?

Agh!

You like pain?

I love it so much, me lady!

Damn. Good.

Ow.

The Goddess is pleased.

Cupbearer? Yes, Goddess?

Bring forth libations.

Here.

It's chug-a-lug time!

Chug-a-lug!

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

Chug-a-lug!

Nothing like a Jack and coke.

So, wait, why is it crunchy?

That'd be the coke.

It's Preacher. It's Preacher.

The preacher's here.

I love you, Preacher.

Absolve my sins!

I think the coke is kicking in.

I can't feel my throat.

I'm gonna shit myself.

Night, night.

Which one of you blessed fucks

had seven days in the death pool?

Blessings on you, Krevin!

Victory runs in your veins.

Go on, reward him!

Here you go. Okay.

Enjoy.

Gods and Goddesses,

it is my honor to be with you again

here in Colorado for our annual pilgrimage,

The Rocky Mountain Fuck Fest!

Now, while we are indulging in the seven deadly delights,

let us recall our past

and celebrate our futures!

Me? I was a man of God.

Shit, I was even celibate.

Shut the fuck up, Krevin.

Oh, okay.

But when the world ended,

God was nowhere to be found.

And I thought, huh! This fucker's forsaken us.

Right? But then I realized, no!

We are the gods!

Always have been, always will be.

And the roads will be forever our domain!

Great crowd work.

I can hear you grinding your teeth.

Dude, that's you!

Now...

what gifts did you motherfuckers bring me?

Ooh, is that a generator I see?

Okay. Uh, gasoline, got it.

Okay, guns. Guns, drugs.

Okay, guys, you gotta get more creative than just drugs.

Here you go, Preacher.

Okay, that's just more drugs, Jeff.

That's just more drugs.

Well, now everybody shut the fuck up!

Hold on! Oh-ho-ho!

Holy shit!

Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going? John!

A token for you, Preacher.

What a hot piece of ass!

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

I should lube up with oil

and dick your muffler.

Dick her muff! Dick her muff!

Dick her muff! Dick her muff!

Don't touch her!

Who spoke?

Your tone sounded...

envious.

I like that.

You want her, don't you?

Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no.

From one brother to another,

I propose a clash.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that guy is fucked!

Are you ready, son?

So, what's your plan here, stud?

Have you seen this guy?

A strong wind can blow him over.

I'm gonna kick his ass so bad I'm gonna be their king.

That's the blow talking!

Oh, God!

Oof, Coke Jesus has a right hook!

I heard something crack. I think it was my brain.

Listen up, he's fast, so keep your distance.

You'll never get a good hit in if you're too close.

Honestly-- I told you I got this.

Hit me. What? John?

Fine, you're on your own.

Let's eat this guy!

Surprise! Ah, my eyes!

Ooh!

Stay the fuck down, Preach!

Whoo!

You ever drink your own blood?

It's intoxicating.

What the f-- Oh!

Are you possessed?

I was once. By a little demon baby.

Fucker made me kill a whole church of people.

Here we go!

I can still hear their screams.

I can't wait to hear yours!

I can't stop kicking!

He's doing really well.

Heh...

The Holy Ghost lives through me.

What should I do? Should I eat this guy?

Should I fuck this guy?

Dirt nap!

Get on your knees, you greasy little piglet

and lick my soiled boots.

Oh! Yes, goddess.

Please, goddess.

Now, where are the keys to that car, vermin?

I wanna take it for a ride.

Wait! Goddesses only ride shotgun.

That is our way.

Not my way!

Yes, please!

Oh, where are you going?

Yes! Yes!

Take him to the cross!

Oh, come on, guys!

I've got a guy here

perfectly ready for the cross.

Meanwhile, this dead fucker is still up there!

Say it with me.

When the heart stops, the body drops.

See? It's not that hard. Okay?

Now the whole vibe is ruined.

I-I guess take the new guy to timeout

and-and take that fucker down.

Don't let it ruin your night!

It's too late, Janice!

Huh?

Come out! I heard you!

Hey!

Hey, whoa! Take it easy, okay?

I-I'm just looking for some food.

You haven't got any, do you?

Go away, butthead!

Whoa, I'm not gonna hurt you.

I said go away!

Fuck!

Ugh, what the hell did you do that for?

Got me right in the veneers.

I'm sorry, I was aiming for your balls.

Well, that would have hurt, too.

But that's okay. You can make it up to me.

Huh? 'Cause it's dinnertime.

He's alone! Soo-ey!

Dinner time!

Child back on the menu, boys.

I love veal!

We're gonna getcha.

Please, please, please, please!

Come on!

Hey there!

Fuck you!

Krevin, you're a fucking dunce!

This fuckin' idiot can't even get a hose

long enough to fill up my new baby.

Dented Evelyn's hood, you asshole.

So, you lost, huh?

You don't know that.

This could be a winner's cage.

Pssh.

I got us some wheels.

Piece of shit,

but it'll get us out of this nightmare carnival.

I'm not leaving her.

What? John, are you kidding?

You almost died!

I can't believe I have to say this,

but it's just a car, John.

You don't get it. No, I don't!

But I fought and bled.

I got whipped, I drank coke for you.

And your car.

And now you say I don't get it?

Fuck you!

What happened to us being partners, huh?

I'm not leaving Evelyn.

And I'm not dying for a fucking car.

Preacher, Preacher!

Someone attacked Fenchy and took a car!

What? Seal the camp!

Seal the camp! Seal the camp!

We have to leave.

Now, John!

Then go.

All right, where to next?

We can go anywhere you want.

Your choice.

Or not.

I owe you for saving me back there.

I'll fix you up, I promise.

Just you, me, and the road.

Sounds good?

Oh, thank God. I'm here, Evelyn, baby.

Let's get the hell out of here.

I admire your thirst.

But if anybody's gonna fuck this car,

it's gonna be me.

You're not worthy of the mask.

Good, it chafes.

For I am the angel of death!

And I release you!

No.

No, no, no.

Fuck. Fuck!

Hurry up! Watch the Preacher's head.

Don't lose those!

That's the last of us.

Drive, prick! Yes, Goddess.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh, oh, my head.

No.