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hoetinkhof79
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We don't have time for this.
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You're hurt. I get it.
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Now, there's a way out of this.
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Okay?
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This never happened to me before.
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Really. Man.
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Oh, man.
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Damn it.
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
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You know?
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Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! No!
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This time it's loaded.
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Six bullets, each with your name on it
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if you don't get out of my car right now!
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That said, I'm willing to negotiate.
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Oh, I guess Evelyn doesn't like you very much.
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I'll make you a deal.
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You scooch over, I'll get you out of this alive.
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But you better think fast,
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'cause that ain't no birthday clown.
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Okay, go!
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Oh, shit.
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Okay, L1, R1, up, down, left, right, right, down, up.
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All right, Evelyn, we have nine days to get away from this clown,
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ditch this psychopathic hitchhiker,
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and make it to New Chicago.
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Hey, look! You forgot your seatbelt.
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Argh!
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Here for the show?
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I'm definitely here for the show!
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Oh, shit!
33
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You're not coming to my show?
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Well, then the show is coming to you!
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Suppertime!
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Stu, I love you, but this is all your fault.
37
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How was I supposed to know the woods would be crawling with butchers.
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They're talking about getting us exiled.
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You had to get caught sleeping on duty!
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Hey! You were sleeping, too!
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I wasn't the one snoring like a goat in heat!
42
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It's called sleep apnea.
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It's a real medical condition.
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And it would be a lot more manageable
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if you hadn't traded in my CPAP machine for porno.
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Well, excuse me for trying to get you something dope for your birthday!
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You know what's dope?
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A full eight hours of sleep.
49
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Dreaming is dope!
50
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Francis!
51
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Why did you season both meat baths in teriyaki sauce?
52
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Francis, we talked about diversifying flavors.
53
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Fine! Um...
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Oh, I'll cover the thick one in lemon pepper.
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No, no!
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Oh, God, it's so tangy, dude!
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I call dibs on the man titties.
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Holy cow! Holy cow!
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Clear!
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All clear!
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We don't usually find the pigs alive before the luau.
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You can cut 'em loose.
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Butchers!
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They'd rather eat the flesh of their own kind than starve.
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You guys are guards?
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We, uh... We used to be.
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Uh, Mike and I were... On a scouting mission
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from Seattle looking for trading routes.
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Our car broke down and the next thing you know
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we're getting grabbed by these assholes.
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We're always on the lookout for upstanding citizens.
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I'll give you guys a choice.
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You can try and make your way back up north
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where it can be pretty dicey,
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or if you can take the grit,
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join us in bringing law and order
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back to the Divided States of America.
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What do you say?
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Come on.
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Sweet. All right.
81
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Welcome to the law, huh?
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Yeah!
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You guys. Don't go dying on us.
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I can't believe
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I already got a flat tire.
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Way to go, John. Way to go.
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Hey, silent but not very deadly,
88
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you gonna come over here and help me with this?
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Don't shush me! You come over here and help me with the tire.
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I'm gonna handle this shit. Watch my back.
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Ahh!
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Ah, shit. Ahh!
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You can hide...
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but I have ways to find you.
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Marco! Marco!
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I'll be right back, Evelyn.
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I'll get us outta here.
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Marco!
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Damn! That usually works.
100
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Huh?
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Shh.
102
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Oh, shit.
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Marco.
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Polo?
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Well, hi there!
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Oh, that tickled.
107
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You know, my dad always wanted to play catch,
108
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but he could never catch a ball.
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He could catch a bullet.
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Why are you scurrying away, little squirrel?
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Looking for a nut?
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This is gonna be fun! Machete!
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Huh, swung a little wide there.
114
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Well, aren't we a tall glass of water!
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Me, I'm more of a Hawaiian punch!
116
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I'm guessing you don't fight much outside of your car now, do you?
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Look, clown, I don't need four wheels to kick your ass.
118
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Any chance we could get this back in the cars?
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How about a little kill music?
120
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Do you love the silver-haired god?
121
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And don't lie to me.
122
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Yeah, man.
123
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Look, I listened to "Unleash the Dragon"
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so many times the disc broke.
125
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I'm not a liar.
126
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Well, you said you were coming to my show
127
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and then you shot at me!
128
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It was a misunderstanding.
129
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I been getting shot at ever since I can remember.
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It's force of habit, I guess.
131
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Sounds like you have trust issues.
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Yeah, you're not wrong.
133
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Nice pipes, dude, I have to say.
134
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That high note, whoo! It was perfect.
135
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Oh, word?
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Yeah, can I go? I got somewhere to be.
137
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I thought you said you were coming to the show!
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Of course, I am.
139
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Just can I leave after the show?
140
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Well, in that case, tonight is opening night!
141
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How were your showers?
142
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Aw, I don't know the last time
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I felt hot water that wasn't my own piss.
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Uh, sir.
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Consider it your recompense
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for upholding law and order.
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Warm showers, warm blankets, warm meals.
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Oh. Aw, fuck, mashed potatoes?
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And goddamn, look at all that gravy!
150
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I wonder how we can get one of those punch cards.
151
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Now, let's proceed to your initiation.
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Right this way, gentlemen.
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What you see down there is our supply truck.
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It brings us important provisions.
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As you can see, it's broken down.
156
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That's why it's not moving.
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What I need for you to do is to protect that truck.
158
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From what?
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Seagulls.
160
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Skittles? No, I'm good.
161
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Pre-show jitters.
162
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Listen, I really appreciate you coming along willingly.
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Normally I have to drag people into the theater kicking and screaming.
164
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But word of advice,
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you won't like what happens if you run.
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What? Oh, him?
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Nah, he was here before.
168
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Hey, Donald.
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Don't worry, he can't hear us.
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I love names. I'm kind of a name guy.
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You know, the right one can send a shudder down your spine.
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Wanna know what I go by?
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There's not a person on the West Coast
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that hasn't heard of Sweet Tooth.
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See what I mean?
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I mean, you really feel that in your bones!
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What's your name, friend?
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John Doe.
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Nah, I'll give it a seven.
180
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Hey, I didn't pick it.
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I don't know what name I was born with or...
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who I am really.
183
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Oh, amnesia. What's your brand?
184
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Post-traumatic, transient, dissociative?
185
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All I know is my first memory is me waking up in my car
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with blood coming out of my head.
187
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Wait, that's my first memory too!
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My head covered in blood.
189
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Of course, it was being pushed out of my mom's whisker biscuit...
190
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Whoa! You remember that?
191
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Oh, yeah. I remember everything.
192
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You should consider yourself lucky.
193
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There are some things I wish I could forget.
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Like the time I shit my pants
195
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in my elementary school production of "Oklahoma".
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I can still see the audience's faces
197
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laughing, mocking.
198
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Did you know Sisqó's real name was Mark?
199
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Oh, a rock.
200
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Man, what is wrong with you?
201
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You holding in a fart or something?
202
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If the truck is so important, why don't they just move it?
203
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Something doesn't smell right, man.
204
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Smells good to me.
205
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Back in Seattle, they treated us like morons.
206
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Now look at us; we holding .30-cals, dude!
207
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Come on, baby, get your head in the game.
208
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Come on. Come on.
209
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There you go. Fuck you!
210
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Eyes up, boys.
211
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Those seagulls lay a fingernail on our supplies,
212
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it's open season.
213
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What the hell?
214
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Hey, why do you call 'em seagulls?
215
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These look like normal survivors to me.
216
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What else would you call a bunch of fucking trash eaters?
217
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Dude, are we really gonna kill these guys?
218
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There's one left, Stu. He's all yours.
219
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Clean it up!
220
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Melon down.
221
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I saved your ass.
222
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Seagulls, butchers, exiles.
223
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They see the world in shades of gray.
224
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,720
What I need from you two lawmen
225
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is to just show them that there's only two colors in the world,
226
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black and blue.
227
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:28,600
Now, you missed, Stu. It can happen to anyone.
228
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Rookie mistake.
229
00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:31,570
Hey.
230
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Don't let it happen again.
231
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Okay.
232
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,040
You guys want some burgers?
233
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Bubby-baby, bubby-baby.
234
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Tip of the teat, tip of the teat.
235
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Tip of the teat.
236
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My marvelous mutterer makes me mingy on Monday.
237
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You sleep here?
238
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:54,620
What, the penthouse was booked up?
239
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,620
Nah, way too much space up there.
240
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,590
Nice bidet, though.
241
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Like taking a shotgun up the ass.
242
00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:03,170
No, I sleep here because it reminds me
243
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of where I was before Vegas.
244
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Back then, I lived with a real solid group of dudes.
245
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But then the world took a shit and I came to Sin City.
246
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Now that was a party.
247
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You've been here alone for over two decades?
248
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Oh, shit, has it been that long?
249
00:15:21,150 --> 00:15:22,150
Look at this guy.
250
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Hasn't aged a day. What a beauty.
251
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Nah, I'm not alone.
252
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:28,390
I got Harold, which, have you--
253
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:29,990
You haven't met Harold yet.
254
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I'm gonna introduce you.
255
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This is Harold.
256
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Been my best friend since I was a kid.
257
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You know, my entire life people have been lying to me.
258
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Even my fucking parents!
259
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But, uh, never Harold.
260
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No, he can't lie to me. He can't lie to anyone.
261
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I can see that.
262
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I don't know what I'd do without him.
263
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Look at that smile.
264
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So, you got a Harold?
265
00:15:56,450 --> 00:15:58,690
No. I got an Evelyn.
266
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Oh, that's cute.
267
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Before I met her, being alone was all I knew.
268
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You know, she makes everything easier, you know?
269
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,400
Sometimes I wish I could make her laugh. Right?
270
00:16:11,030 --> 00:16:12,570
I have to say after all this time
271
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:15,040
that's the sound I miss the most.
272
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,270
You know what sound I miss the most?
273
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,940
The sound of hand meat clapping together.
274
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,440
Nothing like that glorious applause.
275
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:24,650
I mean, it's almost better than, I don't know,
276
00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:26,610
hearing somebody choking on their own blood.
277
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,520
But look at me getting carried away.
278
00:16:28,650 --> 00:16:30,820
Good thing that your Evelyn's got hands, huh?
279
00:16:30,950 --> 00:16:32,650
She must clap for you all the time.
280
00:16:32,790 --> 00:16:34,620
Nah, she doesn't. She's my car.
281
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,320
You talk to your car?
282
00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:38,660
That's weird, man.
283
00:16:40,230 --> 00:16:43,600
Ah, mwah! There you are.
284
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,900
So, if Evelyn's not the girl, who's she?
285
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,540
I caught this little pest crawling through my vents.
286
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,340
See, I was gonna starve her.
287
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,710
Watching the life slowly drain from their eyes.
288
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,080
Kind of my artistic process.
289
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,390
You know, the last guy lasted almost four weeks.
290
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:06,790
Hey, Wilbur!
291
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,320
I think she's gonna give you a run for you money.
292
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:10,890
She won't.
293
00:17:12,790 --> 00:17:14,200
Bubby-baby, bubby-baby.
294
00:17:14,330 --> 00:17:16,600
Hey, you tried to kill me every chance you get.
295
00:17:16,730 --> 00:17:18,970
Why should I show you mercy?
296
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:24,010
Goddamn it!
297
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,110
Hey, man, why don't you let her out?
298
00:17:30,180 --> 00:17:32,380
And why would I do that? No, no, no, listen.
299
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,350
What good is an audience of one?
300
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,180
Think about all the meat slapping
301
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,120
you'll hear with four hands.
302
00:17:39,820 --> 00:17:41,720
Ah, that's true.
303
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:43,360
I don't often get feedback
304
00:17:43,490 --> 00:17:47,260
from the 18 to 35 female demographic.
305
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,370
Fine!
306
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,430
You fish her out and take a seat.
307
00:17:52,570 --> 00:17:55,970
Don't worry, I got a table just for you.
308
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,610
And what happens after the show?
309
00:17:59,740 --> 00:18:02,140
Well, you go on your merry way.
310
00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:03,580
Really?
311
00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:04,910
Well, if I'm being honest,
312
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:07,980
nobody has survived all three acts.
313
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:09,680
Gird your loins!
314
00:18:09,820 --> 00:18:12,250
Curtains up in ten minutes!
315
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:23,030
Tonight, you will be enjoying white tiger prepared three ways.
316
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,530
There's a whole pack of those milky white assholes
317
00:18:25,670 --> 00:18:27,400
breeding up on the fourth floor.
318
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,340
Anyway, enjoy.
319
00:18:29,470 --> 00:18:31,040
Bony tit!
320
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,210
Give me back those keys! Hey, hey!
321
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:39,980
If it wasn't for me, you would be a starving corpse right now.
322
00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:52,660
Listen, neither one of us made it pretty far on our own.
323
00:18:52,790 --> 00:18:56,830
So, instead of us trying to-- Holy shit, this steak is good.
324
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,200
Instead of us trying to stab each other in the back,
325
00:18:59,270 --> 00:19:01,000
we should put our heads together and figure out
326
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,370
how in the hell we're going to make it through the show.
327
00:19:05,070 --> 00:19:07,040
Is any of this getting through to you?
328
00:19:11,410 --> 00:19:12,810
Blink twice for yes.
329
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:18,390
Cool, we're fucked.
330
00:19:26,230 --> 00:19:29,800
Tonight, I will be presenting a one-man play entitled
331
00:19:29,930 --> 00:19:32,800
"That's In-Room Entertainment",
332
00:19:32,930 --> 00:19:35,840
based on the hotel's in-room entertainment.
333
00:19:41,810 --> 00:19:44,510
Hi, I'm Debra from guest services.
334
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:46,450
And welcome to Nevada!
335
00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:50,550
Deep in the heart of Vegas is the Monte Cristo,
336
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,860
a veritable oasis in the sand.
337
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,690
And don't forget about our promenade.
338
00:19:59,830 --> 00:20:01,500
It features all the latest brands
339
00:20:01,630 --> 00:20:05,030
and is just a stone's throw from the salon.
340
00:20:05,430 --> 00:20:08,700
Girl, might be time to take care of those split ends!
341
00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:16,110
And for all you lovebirds out there,
342
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:21,550
Las Vegas is still the marriage capital of the world.
343
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,850
Time for kisses!
344
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:31,730
And you have selected express checkout.
345
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:37,160
Please leave your key at the drop box at the front desk.
346
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,340
And thank you for staying with us.
347
00:20:49,910 --> 00:20:52,450
Well, we've come to the Q&A
348
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:55,520
where I ask the Q's or I kick your A.
349
00:20:55,650 --> 00:20:57,890
So, now is the moment of truth.
350
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,460
What do you think?
351
00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:04,530
Oh, um...
352
00:21:05,730 --> 00:21:07,030
I loved it.
353
00:21:08,330 --> 00:21:09,630
Liar!
354
00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:13,340
What exactly did you love about it?
355
00:21:13,470 --> 00:21:15,470
Uh, your performance! I was moved!
356
00:21:18,870 --> 00:21:21,080
What? It was a tour de force!
357
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:24,780
I am gonna tour de force this machete down your throat!
358
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:26,880
If you're not gonna tell the truth,
359
00:21:27,010 --> 00:21:29,350
then I'm gonna make you shut up and bleed.
360
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,420
It was a fucking snooze-fest.
361
00:21:32,450 --> 00:21:33,690
Now you talk?
362
00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:35,260
What the hell did you say?
363
00:21:35,390 --> 00:21:36,560
It sucked.
364
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,560
Your performance was dull as dick water and frankly beneath you.
365
00:21:41,930 --> 00:21:43,530
And you?
366
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:45,370
You agree with her?
367
00:21:52,910 --> 00:21:55,610
Yes. I agree with her.
368
00:21:57,450 --> 00:21:59,380
Come on, man, it was boring.
369
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,120
I get it, you've been here forever, but you did a play about a hotel!
370
00:22:06,390 --> 00:22:08,790
But didn't Mark Twain say you should write what you know?
371
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:09,990
Well, Mark Twain's a dumbass.
372
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,060
You gotta get out in the world, man.
373
00:22:11,190 --> 00:22:12,660
Yeah. Look, trust me,
374
00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:15,400
you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone.
375
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:17,130
You end up talking to a car.
376
00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:19,030
Yeah, like this guy.
377
00:22:19,170 --> 00:22:20,440
You know what? You're right.
378
00:22:20,570 --> 00:22:22,400
I can't wait here for my audience.
379
00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:26,240
I need to get out there and hunt my audience down.
380
00:22:26,410 --> 00:22:27,880
Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant.
381
00:22:28,010 --> 00:22:29,480
No, that's exactly what you meant.
382
00:22:29,610 --> 00:22:32,310
I'm gonna get out there, and I'm gonna embrace the chaos.
383
00:22:32,450 --> 00:22:35,780
Who knows, maybe I'll even fall in love!
384
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:40,320
The show is going on the road!
385
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:51,070
That was beautiful, man!
386
00:23:12,990 --> 00:23:15,020
Well, a night of firsts.
387
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,460
My first honest critique,
388
00:23:16,590 --> 00:23:18,530
first people I ever let leave here alive,
389
00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:23,570
but most importantly, my first two fans.
390
00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,030
You two.
391
00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:27,500
I got you a headshot.
392
00:23:27,700 --> 00:23:29,040
There's an inscription in that.
393
00:23:29,170 --> 00:23:30,910
"See you soon."
394
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,210
I hope not.
395
00:23:32,340 --> 00:23:34,510
Hey, thanks for being honest.
396
00:24:47,180 --> 00:24:48,850
You know, I have to admit I didn't think
397
00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:51,250
we were gonna make it out of there alive.
398
00:24:51,390 --> 00:24:52,790
I mean, it would have been a lot easier
399
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:54,590
if you had piped up instead of just trying to--
400
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,820
Oh, come on! Have you learned nothing?
401
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:01,700
What is your problem anyway?
402
00:25:01,830 --> 00:25:03,000
I'm trying to find someone.
403
00:25:03,130 --> 00:25:04,570
Well, I'm trying to get somewhere,
404
00:25:04,630 --> 00:25:05,600
and I lost a hell of a lot of time
405
00:25:05,730 --> 00:25:06,800
watching that god-awful play.
406
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,740
If you put the gun down, I'll drop you off
407
00:25:10,870 --> 00:25:13,580
as close as I can to where you're going. Deal?
408
00:25:13,710 --> 00:25:15,640
Fine. But I'm keeping the gun.
409
00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:18,680
No, come on, that one's new. All right, all right, take it.
410
00:25:23,380 --> 00:25:25,020
What's your name anyway?
411
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,890
Okay, I'll start. Hi, I'm John. You're...
412
00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:33,030
Bridget?
413
00:25:34,230 --> 00:25:35,660
Yolanda? Jennifer?
414
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,970
Okay. So, since you like to be quiet,
415
00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:41,040
that's what I'm gonna call you: Quiet.
416
00:25:41,170 --> 00:25:43,470
Is that okay, Quiet? Yep.
417
00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:45,670
So, you're really not gonna tell me your name?
418
00:25:45,810 --> 00:25:47,070
Nope.
419
00:25:48,340 --> 00:25:49,840
Fine.
420
00:25:49,980 --> 00:25:51,880
Makes it easier when I drop your ass off
421
00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:53,720
in the middle of nowhere, Quiet.
422
00:26:00,620 --> 00:26:01,960
Sack up, newbs.
423
00:26:02,090 --> 00:26:04,090
Got a live one.
424
00:26:04,990 --> 00:26:06,630
I'll stop the vehicle
425
00:26:06,690 --> 00:26:08,700
and demand to see their open road license.
426
00:26:08,830 --> 00:26:10,730
If they don't got it, they don't pass.
427
00:26:14,940 --> 00:26:16,070
What?
428
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,140
Hey, sorry, just, uh, one question.
429
00:26:18,270 --> 00:26:20,640
Where do we bring 'em?
430
00:26:20,780 --> 00:26:23,950
Oh, and why are we stopping them?
431
00:26:24,510 --> 00:26:26,950
And what's an open road license?
432
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,350
Is it common at the-- Just get in.
433
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,650
We learn on the job. I respect that.
434
00:26:32,020 --> 00:26:33,390
I've never seen a checkpoint
435
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,460
that wasn't outside of a settlement.
436
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:36,890
And these guys aren't on the map.
437
00:26:37,020 --> 00:26:39,660
So, more delays.
438
00:26:39,730 --> 00:26:41,200
Let me do all the talking.
439
00:26:41,330 --> 00:26:43,130
I deal with these guys all the time. I speak their lingo.
440
00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:47,370
Hey, ORL, please.
441
00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:50,070
Did you just ask me for oral?
442
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,240
Uh, no, sir. ORL.
443
00:26:53,810 --> 00:26:55,410
Open road license.
444
00:26:55,540 --> 00:26:57,680
That's an awful acronym.
445
00:26:58,110 --> 00:26:59,850
Hey, look, I'm just a milkman.
446
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:02,980
I'm just passing through, man. Come on.
447
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:04,490
And you guys look great, by the way.
448
00:27:04,690 --> 00:27:06,050
I love your shirts, man.
449
00:27:06,190 --> 00:27:07,790
What are you, like a club or a team or something?
450
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:10,220
We're officers. Of the law.
451
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,330
Ah, angry Black friend.
452
00:27:12,460 --> 00:27:13,900
Okay.
453
00:27:22,270 --> 00:27:24,510
Hey, where-- Get back in the car!
454
00:27:24,710 --> 00:27:26,240
Listen to your friend!
455
00:27:26,370 --> 00:27:27,510
Eat my ass, motherfucker!
32086
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