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hoetinkhof79
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Twenty years ago, the world fell to shit.
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A big ole apocalyptic dump.
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Some bug took out all the world's computers.
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Power grids down, the Internet gone!
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And not having easily accessible porn
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freaked people the fuck out!
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So, cities put up walls to protect themselves
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and threw the criminals out into the chaos
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so they could fight over what was left,
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which was not much, mostly cars and guns.
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Now insiders stay inside and outsiders stay outside.
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But there are people who drive between,
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badasses, legends, humble motherfuckers like me
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delivering precious cargo from one walled city to another.
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It's not an easy road
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because all these assholes want what I got.
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And that's where the cars and the guns come in.
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Hmm. How about some tunes?
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Evelyn, may I have this dance?
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Holy shit!
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Okay, I got Barry, so who's left?
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Gary, Larry. Got it.
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Don't you do it!
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Don't you even think about it!
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No!
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Where the hell is this exit?
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It's like a goddamn maze in here.
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So, if I'm here, then the exit is...
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Oh, they have a Footlocker!
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Oh! Son of a bitch!
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Hey there!
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It's the milkman. It must be our delivery.
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Yeah, they know me. I'm here all the time. Hey, Doug!
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Hey, John.
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He's new. A virgin?
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Oh, I got a big package for you.
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All the way from Paso Robles.
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Some vultures wanted it real bad,
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but not bad enough. You know what I mean?
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Hey, that better be unleaded 93 in there;
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91 gives Evelyn the squirts.
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Payment's been placed in the trunk.
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And we have new deliveries for you to, um, deliver.
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You're such a lamb. Where to?
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Fresh batteries for the Gainsboro Colony
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and the usual shipment of medicine to New San Francisco.
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New San Fran?
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It's been a month already? Um-hmm.
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Time makes a fool of us all.
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What's your name, slugger?
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Abner. Abner? Really?
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I mean, it's a nice name, but you don't meet too many--
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Well, anyway. Come here, Abner.
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How about you let me, uh, slip inside...
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Outside, you stay outside!
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Hey, take it easy. Relax!
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Atta boy.
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All right, this has been a gas.
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I'll see your shiny faces in a month.
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Until then, Abner,
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eat up!
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What'd the milkman bring us this time?
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Tonight, we feast!
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See, a milkman's job is never done.
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It's a big world out there, but at the end of the day
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all that matters is me, Evelyn, and the road.
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No way!
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It's the Bosch Icon Premiere windshield wipers!
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Ha-ha! Mwah!
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Oh! Get off!
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Give me the package, Milkman!
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Goddamn vultures!
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See that?
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Tension spring is keeping the blades flexible
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for premium wiping performance.
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Oh...
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Let's go!
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Come on!
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Let's go! Come on!
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It must be nice.
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Oh...
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At least I was a cute kid.
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Damn, look at all these pedestrians, Ev.
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All right, time to turn on the charm.
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Lookin' real efficient today, Bill.
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Welcome back, John.
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Got a fresh box of insulin for you.
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Life must be good if the diabetes are that bad.
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Oh! For me?
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Oh, you shouldn't have.
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You're coming home with me, baby.
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What am I taking to San Diego for you?
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Stop!
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The COO of New San Francisco wants to talk to you.
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Inside.
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Like inside inside?
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Let him through!
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Open the gate!
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Holy fuck!
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Clear the perimeter!
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You can park over there.
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Whew!
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Y'all got some big-ass trucks, huh?
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All right.
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Wait. Oh. Oh, shit!
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Oh! Wait!
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Oh, shit! Oh-oh boy!
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Make sure I leave you enough room to get out, you know?
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All right, here we go. Okay.
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There we go. Whoo!
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Okay.
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Strip.
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Oh, shit!
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All right.
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All right.
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Guess I'm not getting that knife back am I?
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Lemony fresh, what's next?
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Hi, John.
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I'm Raven, COO of New San Francisco.
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Let me get you a drink.
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So, tell me, what's it like on the outside?
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I'm sure you've got some stories.
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Stories? Of course, I do.
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Okay, how about this one?
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Once upon a time there was a milkman.
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Charming, devilishly handsome, you know the type.
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Well, he was an outsider.
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Then one day a miracle happened.
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He was invited inside.
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For no reason other than to have a beer with a mysterious,
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mildly intimidating little white lady.
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Ta-da!
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Fair enough.
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We get a lot of milkmen coming around here.
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Mm!
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But none have come more than twice.
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You, on the other hand, have come dozens of times.
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You're consistent, reliable, you got a solid ass.
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Boom!
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I want to hire you.
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To do what exactly?
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What you do best.
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Pick up a package, bring it back.
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It can't be that simple.
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Well, there are a few complications.
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One, you can't know what you're transporting.
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Oh! Okay, I have a question.
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It's not organs.
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Dammit! It's never organs.
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So, what's the second complication?
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The package is in New Chicago.
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Sorry, um, thanks for the beer.
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John, sit!
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No, look, I'm sorry.
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New Chicago is too far and it's too risky.
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Sit!
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Please.
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Now, I've gotta tell you, I've got a lot of power.
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I can make peoples' desires, their dreams,
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their every wish come true.
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So, John,
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what do you wish for?
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Wow! Okay, I wasn't ready for that.
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Um, well... Hmm, um...
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Unlimited gas.
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Mm-hmm.
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A new tee shirt, this one's kinda smelly.
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Uh...
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Toilet paper.
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You have no idea what I would do for some two-ply.
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I think I can do better.
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Three-ply?
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How about a tour?
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Mmm!
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See anything you like?
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That's what I get? A souvenir?
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I mean, I'll take that girl's hat.
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No, John, this is your prize.
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If you go to New Chicago and bring this package back for me,
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I will make you a citizen of New San Francisco.
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I get to live here?
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John, I remember when the colonies closed themselves off,
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when they threw the murderers and thieves and bad guys
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out into the world to fend for themselves without law and order.
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But you, you don't belong out there.
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You're not one of them.
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John, if you do this run,
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you won't be returning with a package.
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You'll be coming home.
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Shit! They're gaining on us!
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Faster!
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I'm on it, lil' bunny!
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You can't find shit back here!
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If we're gonna steal shit, we gotta stay organized.
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Booyah!
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Holy shit!
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Suck it now, motherfucker!
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Gotcha!
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We're home free!
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Let's go collect 'em, boys.
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Make yourself at home. I'll be back in a minute.
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What?
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This is amazing.
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Perfect place for an ambush.
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Called it!
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Shit!
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Oh...
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You're home early. Yeah.
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Good day? Yeah, very good. Come meet John.
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John, this is my husband, Noah.
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Huh.
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Hi, I was just admiring your, uh, this thing.
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It's an honor.
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I've never met a milkman before.
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And you've never met a baby before, have you, John?
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No.
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Her name is Dove.
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Hi, Dove.
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Oh!
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I think she likes you.
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John's staying for dinner.
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I am?
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Mmm!
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Yeah!
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Oh, I almost forgot dessert.
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Oh, yeah.
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Jell-O!
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Jell-O!
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John, aren't you tired of almost dying every day?
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And looking in the rearview mirror and only seeing yourself?
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Aren't you tired of always being alone?
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So, what do you say, John?
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Will you drive?
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You have 10 days to pick up the package and deliver it here.
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One second over and the deal expires.
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Can you handle that? I can handle that.
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You fixed my window!
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Smooth!
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See you in 10 days, John.
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Until then, Jell-O, Raven!
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Oh, okay...
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Oh, boy. Yep, got it!
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Here we go! All right. Jell-O!
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Bye, John!
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Bye!
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Get it back to its mother.
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Ugh!
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The payment's in your apartment.
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I'm done with him. Ugh!
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Peekaboo.
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Hi.
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Bet you kids are wondering why we pulled you over today.
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I'm not sure what you think we did,
255
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but-but we didn't hurt nobody.
256
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I swear we're innocent.
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Oh.
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That's some fresh material right there.
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You know, when I was a boy,
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my father told me about a police chief named Breton.
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Have you ever heard of him?
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No, sir, but I-- Then stop talking.
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It was rhetorical.
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Well, this Police Chief Breton, he cleaned up Manhattan,
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which is a burrow of Old New York,
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in case you don't know your geography.
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But Chief Breton had a theory
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that little sins could attract big sins.
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And so, he would stamp out those little sins
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like a match before it ever caught fire.
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And you know what? By jukie it worked.
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Crime went down because he showed no tolerance, no mercy,
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not even for petty vandalism,
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defecating in the park.
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Gosh, not even looting.
276
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:24,890
He saved New York, and I'm saving this country.
277
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:28,320
Now then, you two have a choice.
278
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,290
You and your lover...
279
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:33,130
Sister, we-we have the same mom and dad.
280
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,260
I know what a sister is.
281
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:38,200
As I was saying,
282
00:20:38,330 --> 00:20:42,470
you and your sister have a choice.
283
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,870
You can resist, in which case,
284
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:47,980
I'll have to napalm the both of you.
285
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:53,110
Or one of you can make the tough choice.
286
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,650
Take your own life.
287
00:20:56,780 --> 00:21:01,090
Consider it your punishment for crimes committed against the law.
288
00:21:23,410 --> 00:21:24,980
Eat my ass, motherfucker!
289
00:21:36,190 --> 00:21:38,690
Huh, look at all those brains.
290
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:41,200
Who knew? Officer?
291
00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:44,970
Let's see...
292
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:46,900
There you go.
293
00:21:47,030 --> 00:21:49,540
Oh, that's why you're quiet.
294
00:21:49,670 --> 00:21:51,510
You're from Orange County.
295
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,110
I've heard the barbaric things those insiders
296
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,380
will do to their own to keep them in line.
297
00:21:57,450 --> 00:22:01,450
But you, you won't need words to let others know
298
00:22:01,580 --> 00:22:04,050
you crossed paths with Agent Stone.
299
00:22:04,190 --> 00:22:06,120
Let's go, boys.
300
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:26,770
Just in case, you decide to take the path of your brother.
301
00:22:28,110 --> 00:22:30,750
You have a nice day now, ma'am.
302
00:23:00,810 --> 00:23:02,810
Oh, shit!
303
00:23:03,950 --> 00:23:05,280
Tommy!
304
00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:07,550
Tommy!
305
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:08,980
What's the rush?
306
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,490
Not like you're going anywhere.
307
00:23:10,620 --> 00:23:13,090
A little help, Tommy?
308
00:23:13,490 --> 00:23:15,660
Saving your ass once again.
309
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:17,630
You're lucky.
310
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,600
This baby blew the pants off a vulture last week.
311
00:23:20,730 --> 00:23:23,930
Took me days to get the blood and toenails out of the tile.
312
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:29,000
So, you got a delivery for me or are you just here to chap my ass?
313
00:23:29,140 --> 00:23:31,570
Neither. I need a map.
314
00:23:32,470 --> 00:23:33,810
A map? Yeah.
315
00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:36,980
Well, hell, why didn't you say so?
316
00:23:37,110 --> 00:23:38,710
Come on over.
317
00:23:38,850 --> 00:23:40,080
Where you headed?
318
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:42,920
Got a lot of people going to the great white north.
319
00:23:43,050 --> 00:23:44,750
Hear there's a steel rush.
320
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,060
Huh, I got a route here through the redwoods
321
00:23:51,190 --> 00:23:55,260
that would make your nipples spin like a lady in the burley-q show.
322
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,930
I'm not going north.
323
00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:58,670
Huh.
324
00:23:58,900 --> 00:24:00,370
I'm going east.
325
00:24:03,270 --> 00:24:04,510
East?
326
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:07,740
How far east are we talking?
327
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:09,510
New Chicago.
328
00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:12,350
Give me your belt, John.
329
00:24:12,950 --> 00:24:14,520
Why?
330
00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:16,020
You're clearly suicidal, so give me your goddamn belt!
331
00:24:16,150 --> 00:24:17,520
Hey, stop that, man!
332
00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:19,520
It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
333
00:24:19,590 --> 00:24:22,060
You have no idea what's out east, do you?
334
00:24:22,190 --> 00:24:23,420
Of course, I don't.
335
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,360
I've never driven past Barstow.
336
00:24:25,530 --> 00:24:27,930
That's why I'm here seeing your pretty face.
337
00:24:34,070 --> 00:24:37,270
Okay. Okay, New Chicago.
338
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:51,350
New Chicago is 2,132 miles from here.
339
00:24:51,650 --> 00:24:53,390
You know what that means?
340
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:55,320
I shouldn't walk.
341
00:24:57,890 --> 00:25:03,870
It means 2,132 miles of no cover.
342
00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:09,370
No protection, no safe harbor.
343
00:25:09,570 --> 00:25:11,210
The only shelter means dealing with
344
00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:15,980
a bunch of brainwashed, burger worshipping screwballs.
345
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,710
I'm not that desperate. You might be.
346
00:25:19,850 --> 00:25:22,880
The roads out east aren't like the roads here.
347
00:25:23,020 --> 00:25:26,120
You won't be dealing with your run of the mill vultures.
348
00:25:26,250 --> 00:25:28,760
These boys are predators.
349
00:25:28,890 --> 00:25:33,190
Even the people trying to bring the law back are just as dangerous.
350
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,800
There's chaos out there, John.
351
00:25:35,930 --> 00:25:38,030
You'll be dealing with it alone.
352
00:25:38,170 --> 00:25:39,770
So, I've gotta ask...
353
00:25:40,670 --> 00:25:43,100
Is the risk worth the reward?
354
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:51,510
Oh...
355
00:25:58,620 --> 00:26:01,420
You're gonna have to go through Vegas, John.
356
00:26:01,620 --> 00:26:04,430
We both know who rules Vegas.
357
00:27:07,690 --> 00:27:09,060
Why is the map so small?
358
00:27:10,690 --> 00:27:12,930
Wait, is that a dick?
359
00:27:13,060 --> 00:27:14,430
Whoa!
360
00:27:25,570 --> 00:27:27,040
Gah!
361
00:27:27,170 --> 00:27:30,040
You know, it's really rude not to introduce yourself
362
00:27:30,180 --> 00:27:31,710
before pulling a gun on someone.
363
00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:36,920
Oh, this is ruder!
364
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,990
How about you lower that sorry excuse for a gun
365
00:27:47,130 --> 00:27:49,830
and I'll lower my exceptionally cool blade.
366
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,500
We don't want things to escalate, do we?
367
00:27:51,630 --> 00:27:53,740
Okay.
368
00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:56,740
See? Now things have escalated.
369
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:03,750
It's you.
370
00:28:13,550 --> 00:28:15,260
We don't have time for this.
371
00:28:15,390 --> 00:28:16,990
So, how about you tell your partner to come out from where he's hiding--
372
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,930
Okay, whoa! Touched a nerve.
373
00:28:26,900 --> 00:28:29,140
You're hurt. I get it.
374
00:28:29,270 --> 00:28:32,210
There's a way out of this, okay?
25212
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