All language subtitles for Splitting Heirs (1993).en

People said there was a curse
on the dukes of Bournemouth.

The seventh duke lost all his hair in a bet.

In 1640, the fifth duke,
while on a drinking spree,

went to church on a cow
and set fire to the choir.

He fled to France,
where he lived and subsequently died,

under the illusion that he was a footstool.

The ninth duke married his horse

and scandalized society
by riding his wife at Ascot,

where she came in third in the second race.

In the 1920s, the 12th duke

was present at the opening
of the tomb of King Tutankhamen.

In the excitement which followed,

he was accidentally bitten on the buttock
by a deranged donkey

and died three days later.

Forty years later, the 14th duke

became a victim of the '60s.

He didn't die, but married an American,

a model, Lucinda,

who, in those days,
called herself "Available Space".

They had a baby

who would one day become
the 15th duke of Bournemouth.

They christened him simply

Thomas Henry Butterfly Rainbow Peace.

He was accidentally
abandoned in a restaurant.

Left behind like a tip.

I was so happy all of the time

With my baby, I was oh-so fine

Oh, my God! We've forgotten the baby!

Oh, shit.

By the time they remembered him,

he had disappeared in his Moses basket

with only a monogrammed blanket
and a silver rattle.

Darling, do you remember the baby's name?

The curse of the Bournemouths
had struck again.

Someone came and stole my baby away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Someone came
and stole my whole life away

I was so happy all of the time

With my baby, I was oh-so fine

But you came right along
and knocked me for a song

You took everything that should be
mine, mine, mine, mine

Someone came
and stole my happiness away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Now somehow that someone's
gonna have to pay

I lost my baby when he stepped in

He took my life and everything

He stole my baby, now I'm so blue

Tell me what to do

Someone came and stole my baby away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Someone came
and stole my happiness today

He came along, he did me wrong

Now my whole life's gone

Someone came
and stole my whole life away

He's gonna have to pay, some way

He's gonna have to pay, some day

Yes, he's gonna have to pay

More reports of the puma

that has been terrorizing residents
living on the Bournemouth estate.

Gita, turn that off.

You'll be late for school.

Now, go to the bathroom and wash.

I can't, Mom. Ranji's in there.

Still? What does he do in there?

Ranjit! Come out of there at once!

Ranjit, you'll be late for your work.

Ranjit Patel! Come out here at once!

Oh, all right, Mum! I'm sorry.

Bye, everybody.

Bye, Ranji.

See you later.

I, too, suffered
from the curse of the Bournemouths.

I work for them.

My name's Tommy Patel,

and I grew up here in Southall.

Every day, I commuted
from our little corner shop

to my city job,
where I worked as a commodities broker

on the trading floor
of Bournemouth and Bournemouth.

Yeah, Nigel, no, no, don't go higher
than a quarter of a million.

Honestly, I promise you
it'll never go higher than that.

Believe me. Trust me. Okay, bye.

Angela, where the hell is that coffee?

It's coming!

It should be here now!

Yes, master.

Come on, girl. Pull your finger out.

What have you been sitting on all weekend?

May I remind you of sexual harassment
in the workplace?

Very sweet of you, my darling,
but I'm far too busy right now.

I saw that!

Don't have to worry
about me, dear. I'm bisexual.

Whenever I want sex, I have to buy it.

Patel. I've got a job for you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Andrews, I can't possibly.
I'm right in the middle of a deal.

Yes, obviously. Just drop it.

I want you to meet
this very important American

and show him round for a few days.

I'm far too busy, sir.

That is an order from the Chairman.

This is a VIP from New York.

I want you to hold his hand
and show him London.

Why me?

Because I don't like you.

Bugger it up and you'll be out of a job.

Great.

Excuse me. Could you help me, please?
I want Conduit Street.

-Huh?
-I'm trying to find Conduit Street.

-Conduit Street?
-Yeah.

See the lights?

Yeah.

Morning. Morning, gents.

Morning.

Conduit Street?

Get a taxi.

Coming around.

Morning. Morning.

Whoa!

I'm sorry. Oh!

You all right?

I don't know who you are,
but this is not a skating rink, okay?

I'm Henry Martin.
I was just following the line in the marble.

-Follow the line in the marble right outside.
-It's so smooth.

There's a little kiddie's park over the road...

Well, I'm from the New York office.

And I'm supposed to
meet somebody here and...

Oh, hi! Hello! I'm meeting you.

I'm Tommy Patel.

-Oh, hi, Tommy.
-I love the skates!

Thanks. This marble is so smooth.

I've been on cobblestones
and bridges all morning.

I mean, I don't know
if these things are gonna catch on here

'cause you really should be sober to do it.

But these are gonna revolutionize commuting.

I beat the tube. I beat the traffic.

There's no parking fees.
You want to try them?

Hey, you!

It's all right, Jobson, he's with me.

I thought he might be.

Hello, Jobson.

Oh, my God, it's you, sir.

Didn't expect to see me, huh?

No, I did not.

I'll be around for a while, so...

So, oh! How nice.

Well, I'll leave you with Mr. Patel.

Good luck.

Okay, let's get to work.

Go upstairs to petty cash,
get £200. You hungry?

-Yes.
-Get about £300, okay?

What's the name of the pub across the street?

It's the Dick? The Dickhead? The Dick?

-The Richard III!
-Richard III!

Go upstairs, get the money.
And I'll meet you across the street in the pub.

In the pub?

It's a long way to go

It's a long way to Tipperary

To the sweetest girl I know

Goodbye, Piccadilly

Farewell, Leicester Square

Tommy! That's my mate, Tommy. Say hi.

Hi!

Hi, hi.

-You got the money?
-Yes, I got 300, cash.

Give it to Mona, would you?

-What?
-Thanks, babe.

What else you got for me?

I got some theater tickets.

Wait, wait, let me guess.

Cats, Les Mis, and...

What's the one with the helicopter?

-Mrs. Saigon.
-Mrs. Saigon.

Yeah.

Great!

Who needs a pair?
Who needs a pair?

Couple of stalls.
Unobstructed views of the chopper!

Hi. You, sir. Yes, sir.

Fine, enjoy yourself.
It's kind of a Sound of Music meets Platoon.

Look at that! 50 quids, huh?
Come on. Let's see a show!

Now, she was a great Hamlet.

Sure.

I just don't remember
the banana scene in Hamlet.

Yeah, it's sort of a tropical interpretation.

I'll tell you, if Shakespeare
were alive today, he would die.

Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling Clementine

Look at that view, man.

I feel great!

...two million pounds.
I'm gonna buy two million pounds...

Are you all right?

No.

What happened to you then last night?

He did.

-Morning, fellows.
-Morning.

Hey, Glen...

Uh-oh.

Patel?

There is some money
missing from petty cash.

Ah! Yes, sir. I can explain that, sir.

Did you take £500?

No, sir.

-No?
-No, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I took £300, sir.

Three?

Three

plus two equals...

Equals five.

Five. I took £500, sir.

What did you want it for?

It was for the barmaid.

It was... No, it was for the...

The bar...

It was for the bar mitzvah.

The what?

I borrowed it.

I borrowed it, sir.

I see. And you will see the Chairman
first thing on Monday morning.

And I shall recommend that you're fired.

Wait! I can explain everything, sir.

Bloody Henry!

After all those years of
crawling at the office, he got me fired!

It was back to the comer shop.

But the Hindu gods were smiling on me.

For that weekend, fate kindly intervened.

My boss, the Chairman and
14th duke of Bournemouth

fell off the back of his yacht.

The curse of the Bournemouths
had struck again.

Good luck.

When I reported for dismissal on Monday,

there was a new chairman.

Hello, Tommy.

Guess who's a duke?

Holy shit!

-You are...
-The 15th duke of Bournemouth.

My God!

You lucky bastard!

Congratulations!

Thanks, man.

I'm sorry about your father.

Oh, well, he was a mean son of a bitch.

I never really got to know him.

He was uptight and
emotionally dead, like all Brits.

Oh, no offense.

But you're American.

Mom's American,
sent me to school in the States.

Didn't want me growing up a masturbating
wreck from an English public school.

Why ever not, if you're gonna be a duke?

Tommy, just because I've been made a duke

doesn't mean anything's
gonna change between us.

Get my drink, would you?

-Hmm.
-Hmm?

Here they are, sir.

What the bloody hell are you doing in here?

All right, here we go.

You're both fired!

Oh, dear.

Shall I tell him?

No, I should tell him really, I guess.

Oh, please. Can I tell him?

Mr. Andrews, this is the
new duke of Bournemouth.

But you're a Yank!

And you're history.

-I'm what?
-You're fired.

Goodbye!
Bye! Don't slam the door.

Ha! Come on,
let's have a drink. Let's celebrate.

Congratulations, sir.

You can kiss ass later, Brittle.

Thank you, sir.

Tommy, this is my ancestral home.

What, Harrods?

Oh, no, this telephone booth.

-Cheers!
-Still don't understand.

Read this.

"The Bournemouth baby
disappeared in his Moses basket,

"with only a monogrammed
blanket and a silver rattle."

I am the Bournemouth baby.

Oh.

"Few days later,
the baby was found in a telephone booth

"outside Harrods."

This is my first home. Now it's my fourth.

Well, no, fifth if you include
the south of France.

There's the apartment in New York, too,
but it's not much bigger than this.

"The baby was found in his Moses basket."

Mummy still has that Moses basket.

Pity though, somebody stole the rattle.

Solid silver, 1748.

All right, you two, what's going on?

Ah, Officer!

We've decided to have
dinner in another booth,

but the service here was fantastic!

He's the Bournemouth baby.

Henry, you're not supposed to tip policemen.

Well, I can't give him a drink.
He's on duty.

Sleep tight, gents.

Oh. There it is. Come on.

There's a step here now.

Where? Oh, thank you.

Drunk again, sir?

That's okay, butler. So are we.

I was incredibly
hungover at temple next day.

And very late for Henry's father's funeral.

Excuse me.

Psst. Tommy!

I got a seat for you here!

Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late.

That's okay. You haven't missed anything yet.

You know what?
I don't think I'm gonna come in.

Oh, don't be shy. Come on!

No, I'm not really dressed for this.

Look at the way he's dressed.
Come on, come on.

You'll have a great time.

Yes, I know. Thank you, General.
It really is a shame.

Anyway, look, there's football
on in the lounge if you get bored.

Folks, this way. Hi, Cybil.
Hats over there, tea upstairs.

Yes!

And she says, "I'm not holding anything
that rough without gloves."

You want some?

Loosen up. Mingle. It's a party.

Anyway, they start hiking...

Don't I know you?

No.

You sure look familiar. Who are you?

I'm a friend of Henry's.

You remind me of my late husband.

-I do?
-Of course, I haven't seen you naked.

No.

He was hung like a badger.

Really? Is that good?

Only if you're a badger.

Mmm. You lucky boy.

She fancies you.

Really? How can you tell?

She fancies everybody.

That's Henry's mother,
the black sheep to the family.

She took so many strokes in the '60s,

they called her the U.S. Open.

A real man-eater.

But perhaps you like being eaten.

Kitty Farrant.

Hi. My name's Tommy Patel.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Patel.

Please, call me Tommy.

No, I think Mr. Patel will do for now.

I do love your flowers.
What are you, an old hippie?

No, I'm an Asian.

Oh, of course, yes.

I spotted that straight away.

Blond hair, blue eyes. Typical Asian.

Mmm-mmm.

You're definitely for it.

Oh, I think that's just a facial tic.

Excuse me.

Dreadful girl. Her father's in beer.

Come.

So, we meet again.

Yes.

Look at them.

Don't the English ever enjoy themselves?

Well, it is a funeral.

It's not their funeral.

No. Oh, I'm sorry about your husband.

You didn't have to sleep with him.

His idea of a good time in bed

was three newspapers and a cup of tea.

More tea, sir?

No, thank you.

He thought foreplay was a kind of golf.

Really, a hot water bottle
is more fun in bed than most Brits.

It's a wonder they ever reproduce.

I must mingle.

If there's anything you want, anything at all,

just ask.

They are all counted, sir.

-Oh, I'm sorry...
-No need to explain.

I myself come from the lower classes.

Oh, relax, would you? Keep the spoon.

I've got thousands of them.
He's such a creep, isn't he?

Where did you get this, Ranjit?

Henry gave it to me. It's nice, isn't it?

What's the matter, Mum? You sick?

No.

It's time I told you certain things, Ranjit.

Like what, Mum?

Like why you don't like curry.

And why you don't look like your father.

Ranjit, you were adopted.

You are not really a Patel.

You mean I'm not really Asian?

No, I'm sorry.

Ranjit, the agency made us take you in.

Because we needed the money.

What, you mean you were paid to take me?

Yes. £3.10 a week.

Oh, great!

Ranjit, when you came from the agency,

you had only two possessions in the world.

This monogrammed blanket,

and this silver rattle.

Yeah. You're adopted,
all right. See? That's you.

It says you were brought in
by an anonymous woman reeking of garlic.

Garlic?

She insisted you be adopted
by a member of the working class

to save you from the curse of money.

How very thoughtful.

Yeah. Here we are.

Indian family, name of Patel.

And the lawyer who handled the case
was called Shadgrind.

Shadgrind?

Shadgrind and Shadgrind,
-68
-B, Billingsgate Court.

And the date?

Fifth of June.

It's the same date.

Pardon?

There's no doubt about it.

What, sir?

I am the Bournemouth baby!

You are a baby.

I should be Henry!

Delightful, really. You must have one of these.

Mmm.

Your Grace,

my lords, ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the new duke!

The new duke!

Thank you.

Speech!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Excuse me. I have to go throw up.

What?

-Just a diet thing.
-What?

Well, first of all, let me say how truly
appreciative I am that you are all here,

to tell you how wonderfully comfortable I am

in this, my new humble home.

I'm really thrilled

to know that this is all mine!

They say it's lonely at the top.

But it's a damn sight lonelier at the bottom.

And I was tired of being there.

I thought I'd do a little checking up

to see just exactly
what should have been mine.

Shit!

-Hello.
-Hello, Jim.

It was definitely time to seek legal advice.

Ah!

So, you were one of mine, were you?

Yes, I was.

There were so many of you orphans.
Unwanted children all over the place.

People went sex-mad in the '60s, you know?

They seemed to do it just for fun. Weird.

So, you believe yourself to
be the duke of Bournemouth, do you?

Yes, I'm absolutely convinced of it.

Mmm-hmm. Well, legally,
I'm afraid, you haven't a leg to stand on.

But the blanket and the rattle.

Ah, could have been stolen.

Well, the date.

It was coincidence.

I'm sorry, Mr. Patel,

but where is the present duke
supposed to have come from?

Well, he must have been adopted.

And that's what you'd tell the House of Lords
Committee for Privileges, is it?

-Yes.
-Yes.

Mr. Patel, you cannot adopt a duke.

That is the whole point.

Of course, it would be
quite different if he died.

Why?

Well, you see, three dukedoms
have died out in the past 10 years.

There's Newcastle, Portland and Leeds.

And the House of Lords
don't like that, you see.

The House of Lords like
to keep the dukedoms ticking along.

So if you turned up out of the blue,

claiming that you were the true heir,

you'd have a pretty good case, yes.

If he was dead.

Oh, I see.

So unless there's an accident...

-A what?
-An accident.

Accidents happen, don't they?

You know, car crashes, shooting accidents,

people falling out of windows,

or drinking mercuric chloride in brandy,

which not only conceals the taste,

but also makes subsequent
chemical detection practically impossible.

That sort of thing, you know, accidents.

An accident?

Mmm.

Though not much hope of that, is there?

No, no, no.

Of course, that's just a legal opinion.

So...

Big estate, is it?

Oh, yes, vast.

Pity. Well, goodbye.

Unless, of course, anything happens,
God forbid, in the accident department,

in which case, au revoir.

Thanks anyway.

A duke.

Should I look up, proudly,
to be admired by the people?

Or down, disdainfully, at the throng?

Why don't I give you a few things?

Thank you, Your Grace.

-Too much?
-Not at all, Your Grace.

-Wonderful.
-Really?

-Really good.
-What do you guys think?

You still look like a dick.

A cute dick, though.

Take one of me in front of the fountains.

Certainly, Your Grace. Wonderful!

You know, I'm the first duke under 5'6".

Really, Your Grace?

Except for the third duke, who was beheaded.

-Can you see the irises?
-Yes, Your Grace.

Let's do one with the pumas.
No, no, no, let's do one with the house.

It's supposed be a portrait,
not a real-estate brochure.

An American duke.
Do you know how rare that is?

Yes. Oh! I'd give anything to live here.

Yes, I'm sure you will.

Well, anybody feel like a swim?

Yes, I'll swim, Henry.

And this is the great Hall of Saddlers,

the ducal home of the Bournemouths.

This is the family coat of arms.

And there you can see the distinctive puma,

which has been the family emblem

since the third duke, Tristram,

went to South America,
where he lost a leg on safari.

-Oh, very careless of him.

This picture over here
is Lady Virginia Martin,

who gave her all for charity.

And this is the long-suffering Duchess Diana

with her parrot.

And this is Colonel Dicky Martin,

who, as a result of a famous
military operation,

became Mrs. Betty Young.

This is the register
of the births of the Bournemouths.

And here you can see the latest heir,

Thomas Henry Butterfly
Rainbow Peace Martin.

Good afternoon, everyone.

I'm Henry Martin,
the 15th Duke of Bournemouth.

Now, on other tours,

I know you don't even get to see
a real duke, let alone meet one.

So this is your lucky day.

I want to begin by
shaking everybody's hands. Hello.

Just a little old custom
from back home in the States.

Don't be afraid. You're gonna be able to tell
all your friends and families

that you shook hands with a real, live duke.

Take a break, Watson.
Now, I'm gonna show you parts of this house

-that are never before seen on this tour.
-But...

You know what?
I'll answer all the questions in a little while.

But for now, follow me.

This is the white china puma in
here which is worth over £30,000.

Oy!

Where are you going?

Come back!

You can't go in there. It's private apartments.

Come back!

Bollocks!

At last, the penny dropped.

The Duchess was my real mother.

Butler, I'm just going for a swim.

Very well, Your Grace.

Oh, Rainbow Peace.

Oh, my little Rainbow Peace.

Where are you?

One move and I'll blow your balls off!

Please. Stop.

Don't! No, wait!

Oh! Why, Mr. Patel, it's...

It's you.

Yes. Hello.

I was just...

Um, I was...

Relax. It's okay. I know what you want.

You do?

Clear as the nose on your face.

Oh!

The nose. Yes, I suppose it is.

You can tell a lot by the nose.

I took one look at it and I knew at once.

Ah, that's great. I'm so happy.

So, what do we do now?

It's pretty obvious, isn't it? We're both adults.

You mean, we go for a swim?

Come on.
Don't play the little innocent with me, darling.

I think I'm missing something.

Oh, I'll be the judge of that.

-Come on, let's do it now!
-Do what?

Ah, does nobody do it in this damn country?

-Get your pants off.
-Stop!

Stop? You can't just arouse a woman,

and then yell stop, even if you are English.

Now, if you'll follow me
through this withdrawing room.

I know what you're thinking,
but the origin of drawing room

is to withdraw.

Because it is the room to which you withdrew.

-Gotcha!
Mummy?

-Oh, my God, it's Henry.
-What?

One sec. Mummy!

Ah! She's not there. Come on in.

These are the private chambers
of the Duchess of Bournemouth,

never before seen by you, the public.

Exciting, isn't it?

Now, I want to show you
something absolutely fascinating.

-Oh, bitte. Die Toiletten, bitte.
-What?

Over there.

This is the very basket

in which I was lost and found again.

I guess that kind of makes me sort of

the Moses of the English aristocracy,
wouldn't you say?

Feel free to take a picture.

These, of course, will be available
on postcards soon, but for now...

Here's one with the little slippers.
Lace, of course.

Note the official coat of arms of the
family on the upper of the boot.

Ah, good!

Now a rare treat.

Authentic 19th century plumbing.

-Come on in, there's room for everyone.

-I was just, you know...

Shit!

The next day,
I went fishing for evidence.

Let's have a look. The Bournemouth baby.

Yes, I remember the case very well.

There was definitely something odd going on.

-Odd?
-Mmm.

I was on duty at the time.

That's not him.

Are you sure, Your Grace?

Of course I'm sure.
He's not even circumcised.

Excuse us a moment.

What?

Okay, okay, all right, all right.

She's very upset.

Naturally, sir.

Let's have another look, shall we?

All right, it's him.

Yes, right.
Call off the search. The baby's found.

I often wondered what happened
to the other little baby.

'Cause, of course,
we had to close the file on him,

now that he was no longer missing.

Poor lad.

A lady comes to see me a few days later.

Where have they taken him?

"Who?" says I.
-The Harrods baby.

"Oh," says I. "He went back
to his rightful home."

Where might that be?

Says the lady.
"Saddlers, the ducal house," I tells her.

He's going to be a duke.

Thank you, Constable.

She said finally and writes down the address.

Did she smell of garlic?

Knock your head off.

She must have been his real mother.

I wonder what ever happened to her.

Your favorite, eggs, Italian style.

Oh, Bully, I've missed this!
Wait till you guys taste this!

This is the best dish in the world.

Smells delicious. What's in it?

It's the garlic. That's the secret.

More wine, Mrs. Bullock?

Oh, no. You'll be getting me tipsy.

Still, to think that I should live
to see the day that he's a duke.

To you, Bully.

Cheers.

Oh, my little baby!

Please.

Just like my own flesh and blood he is.

Bless his little cotton socks.

I missed him so
when they packed him off to America.

How long have you been here, Mrs. Bullock?

Ever since he was a baby.

Such a sweet little baby he was.

No trouble at all.

And such a difficult birth.

And to think now he's come into his fortune.

Ah, there's your cab, Tommy.
Can you drop me off?

Yeah, sure.

You're not going now, are you, Kit?

Big day tomorrow.

Am I on your way?

Everything's on the way to Southall.

Well, would you like to come up for a coffee,

or would you just like to
come up and screw me?

Coffee would be lovely. Thank you.

You needn't wait.
I'll make sure he gets to bed.

Keep the change.

Well?

Are you just gonna stand there drooling,

or are you going to come in?

I think I'll just drool for a little.

-Oh!

What's that naughty man doing there?

Just having a coffee!

Now,

how would you like your coffee?

With or without?

Mmm?

Oh, Kitty.

Well, hello.

So, you woke up finally.

Kitty, you are magnificent.

I know.

You're gonna have to marry me now.

-Don't be silly.
-I'm serious.

Oh, be real, Tommy.
You don't have any money.

And besides, I'm already engaged.

You're what?

You were my final fling.

I was what?

Mmm. Sex before marriage
is so much more exciting

with somebody else, don't you think?

What do you mean, "Somebody else"?

You were perfect for the job.

The job?

Oh, come on, Tommy.

I needed someone I could trust.

Someone who wouldn't tell Henry.

What the hell's Henry got to do with it?

I'm marrying Henry, stupid.

I'm going to be a duchess!

Look! It's in all the newspapers.

You're marrying Henry.

Now, don't be jealous.

Jealous? Why would I be jealous of Henry?

He only has my house,
my title, my horses, my cars,

and now he's got you.

I'll kill him.

-Hello.

Oh, my God!

-Into the cupboard!
-What?

Into the cupboard, quick!

-Why?
-It's Henry!

-What are you doing?
-Quick!

Stop! Don't be ridiculous!

Oh, please, Tommy!
He can't possibly find you here!

He'll never understand.

-Forget it!
-Oh, please, Tommy! Just for me!

-Oh, but, Kitty!
-Oh, shut up!

Ow!

Kitty, I'm not gonna go along with this.

I'm gonna face Henry and I'm gonna tell him...

Tommy, if you care about me,
you won't say another word.

-Now, I'll handle this.

Of course I understand.

You're lovely. You're a wonderful lover.

-Thanks. Bye.

Ow!

Darling!

Hello, kitten.

I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.

Well, I thought I'd surprise you.

-You alone?
-No.

I've got a man in here.

You're very funny.

I was on the phone.

-Did you see the papers?
-Yes.

I'm so excited, Henry.

-Tommy.
-What?

I am gonna ask Tommy to be my best man.

Great. Yes, Tommy'd make
an excellent best man.

That's what I thought, too.

Can we eat, darling? I'm starving.

I'm not leaving now, Kitty.
We're engaged, remember?

Oh, no, Henry, not now.

Oh, yes, Kitty, right now.

Shouldn't we have lunch first?

Kitty, I'm a red-blooded American.
I have lunch after.

Yes.

Kitty, I've waited until we were officially
engaged. Now, get on the bed. Come on.

Ow!

Gosh, Henry, that's huge!

That is the biggest one I have ever seen.

And the jeweler says if you don't like
the setting, you can change it.

Oh!

Oh, God!

Oh, it's magnificent!

Oh, Henry. Gorgeous!

Oh, Henry.

Oh, Henry.

I'll kill him!

Well, I should put some trousers on first!

Dino!

Don't look! How disgusting!

What a dreadful man! Not a stitch on!

I felt utterly humiliated.

And all I could think of was revenge.

Get some lessons, will you? Who is this guy?

Yes! Yes!

The next weekend,
Henry invited me down to Saddlers.

But for an accident, it would have been mine.

Perhaps with another accident,

it still could be.

Great car, Tom!

Thanks for the other day. You saved my life.

Tommy! I'm so glad you're here.

Come on in. I'm dying to show you the house!

I'm afraid one of the pumas
has escaped again, Your Grace.

Well, go and catch it.
What is the problem?

Can we find a cage that works?

I've put you in the blue room. Next to mine.

I'd lock your door.
You'd be safer with the puma.

I prepared Henry a lethal cocktail

of mercuric chloride laced with brandy.

Oh. It's you, sir.

Good evening, Mrs. Bullock.

Do you need something, sir?

No, thank you, Mrs. Bullock.
I have everything I need.

I think so, Henry.

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

Pity you don't ride, Tom.

Hey, Tommy,
Kitty's great in the saddle, isn't she?

Yeah, she certainly is.

I'm sure the Duchess will look after you.

Ow!

-Just for you.
-Cheers.

-Later, darling.
-Mmm-hmm.

Here you are, Henry.
A little thank-you from me.

What a super pal you are.

That's a thoughtful gift, Tom.

A little drink to help you on your way.

Very sweet of you. Cheers.

Bye.

Milord!

Who hath created all creatures
great and small,

grant that we may find this day,

one, or even two that we may chase

and destroy, to Thy almighty purpose.

Amen.

Hunting's immoral! It degrades foxes!

Freedom for vermin!

Don't come near me!

-No, wait!
-What for?

Fascist pig!

He's dead.

Pull!

Wow!

Wow, you're good!

Your turn, sir.

-Pull?
-Yes, sir.

Pull!

Was that close?

Oh, Henry, bad luck.

Have another go, darling. Go on.

Give me another gun.
I gotta hit something.

Let me just keep trying until I get it.

I, uh, suggest the eyes open, sir.

Pull!

Pull!

-Great shot, Henry!
-Well played, sir!

Mummy!

I was just showing Mr. Brittle the view.

So far, Henry's luck had held.

But could he survive the wedding?

Distasteful though a stag night is,

it gave me a chance to get Henry plastered.

Doreen had been a triumph as Hamlet.

Now she played
the naughty bride to perfection.

Unlike Doreen, I had something up my sleeve.

It was "Good night, Henry".

He should run out of gas
somewhere over the North Sea.

Was it you?
No!

He's come back!

Wow!

Sit down!

Where the hell is he?

Um... Oh, I have no idea.

Perhaps he's changed his mind.

Just a thought.

Do sit down, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey! Whose bike is this?

It's my bike.

Great. There you go.

Hey! I've got a better bike!

I've got a better bike at home for you!

Tommy.

Don't worry. I'm sure
Henry will surface sooner or later.

Hey! I'm here!

I made it! Darling, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me. I know you will.

-But what a party, Tommy!

What a best man you've been!

Incredible. The food, the fish, the chips!
The guys! Everything.

Tommy.
Doreen was incredible. Okay?

All right, let's get married!

Sorry I'm late, folks!

Everybody still.

-Thank you.

Now one with the Duchess, please.

I think he means me.

Congratulations. You finally made it.

You're too kind,

Mummy.

Goodbye, everyone. Thanks so much. Thanks.

Come on, darling. Here you go.

Whoa!

Thanks again.

Bye-bye, everyone! Whoa!

See you in France, Tommy!

Magnificent, isn't it?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, I hadn't realized
just how vast the estate was.

What of it?

Well, plenty to go around, that's all.

What do you mean?

I've been investigating your claim.
It's looking rather good.

I spoke to Mrs. Bullock.

She's very worried, incidentally.

Why?

She thinks that someone's
trying to do away with her son.

Henry, you know. Drink?

Uh... No. No, thank you.

Ah.

Not your poison, eh?

Only joking.

Look, what are you implying?

I'm implying that somebody needs a partner.

Don't be absurd.

Tom, all this could be ours.

I think you better leave.

You're right.
If anyone saw us talking together...

-No, I didn't mean that.
-No, no, no. Of course you didn't.

Get out of here!

Good thinking.

I don't want to see you again.

Oh, all right, if you insist.

Kitty and Henry
were nauseatingly happy,

though clearly thrilled to see me.

Life itself was idyllic.

Until one or two little accidents
began to happen.

Somebody put helium in Henry's scuba tank.

Tommy, have you seen Henry?

No. No.

It's okay! I'm fine! Really, I'm all right!

Great.

All that week, the curse continued to strike.

For Germany, I think a black one.

What do you think? Careful with that.

Though, alas, without much success.

That must weigh a ton.

Boy, am I starving!

Here, Tom, let me carve.

-'Cause I think I'm a bit better with a knife.

-Stop it!

A few days later,

somebody tampered with the pool sweep.

Help! Kitty!

Henry?

Henry?

Tommy. Have you seen Henry?

-Oh, no, not at all.
-Oh.

Oh, my God! Henry!

Oh, my dear. Henry?

Hey, you guys, this is great!

You can stay under here for hours!

He was such a lucky bastard!

But I had one more plan.

P-A-T-E-L. Here's my card.

I'm going with you all the way to London.

Remember, Patel is the name.

Having established my alibi,

all I had to do was
make a graceful exit from the train.

Ah, smell the night.

Mmm.

Smells like cow shit.

You're right.

Mmm, they must've put it on the roses.

You know, Henry...

Hmm?

I only married you for your money.

I only married you for your beer.

Mmm.

Would you like to discuss the merger again?

-Huh?

No.

I think I could be talked into it.

Ow!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Oh, Henry!

Oh, bugger! Dogs!

Nice doggy. Nice. Nice dog. Sit!

Luckily, the dogs
gave up after about a mile.

And as soon as I'd finished bleeding,

I returned to finish the job.

Saddlers, soon to be my Saddlers,

looked peaceful in the afternoon sunlight.

-Gotcha!

Tommy.

Hi! Hello.

This is unexpected.

Yes.

What on earth are you doing here?

Uh, I... I was...

You came to surprise me, you naughty boy.

Yes, I did.

-I knew it. Goody!
-Yes.

Henry and Kitty can't catch us today.

-No, they can't.
-Come, come, come, come, come, come.

So, how are the little lovebirds getting on?

Oh! Uh, like a house on fire.

Oh! Oh, you're chasing me!

Don't look so guilty, Tommy.

What?

We haven't done anything...

...yet.

Oh, no.

Your, uh, vitamins, Your Grace.

Oh.

Thank you, Butler.

I put the black sheets
on the bed as you requested.

No need to wait up, Butler.

Mr. Patel and I have a lot to discuss.

I'm sure you have, Madame.

Sleep well, sir.

Jealous.

Forgive me, Your Grace.

Oh. What is it now, Butler?

Some bad news I fear, Your Grace.

Oh, dear. Not the puma again.

Oh, timing, Butler.

Oh, Henry!

What had I done?

I had gained a fortune, but lost two friends.

I was doomed to hell as a Christian,

and a horrendous rebirth as a Hindu.

Thou shall not kill!

Thou shall not kill! Thou shall not kill!

Tommy?

Am I dead?

No, silly. You just fainted.

You're alive!

Of course we're alive.

But the fire?

How did you know about the fire?

-Wasn't there a fire?
-Yeah.

You bet there was a fire.
The whole villa burnt down.

-Boy, is Mummy pissed.
-Mmm.

Well, how did you get out?

Well, some jerk woke up the dogs,

and we took them for a walk.

And when we got back,
the whole place was an inferno.

I'm so glad you're alive.

It takes a lot to kill me, Tom.

I know.

Now that everything's gonna be just fine.

Oh, my God!

The cook is quite frozen, I fear, Your Grace.

Bully.

Poor Mrs. Bullock.

She always hated frozen food.

I just came down for a slice of ham, sir,

and there she was.

How did this happen?

The door must have closed on her.

A few days later,
Kitty invited me to lunch.

I feel bad, Tommy. It's the curse.

I'll get you an aspirin.

No, silly.

The family curse.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Somebody is trying to kill Henry.

Don't be ridiculous.

Tommy, do you remember
the night of my engagement?

How could I ever forget?

Remember that little incident
after the theater?

What little incident?

Oh, come on! You practically raped me.

-I did what?
-Well, date rape.

Kitty, how could I date-rape you five times?

Oh, perhaps I did encourage you a bit.

A bit? You asked me to come up and...

You asked me to come up and give you one.

And you did. And I forgive you.

Oh, thank you.

But the point is, Tommy, I'm pregnant.

The baby's yours.

There really isn't any doubt.

Your son will be the Duke of Bournemouth.

Well! Good grief!

Come on.

Come on.

Together, Henry and I experienced

the joy of traditional English childbirth.

Down the pub.

-Oh, wait!

Hello?

It's a baby!

Have a cigar!

Nanny.

Yes, Your Grace?

Come and have some cake.

Oh, thank you, Your Grace.

Hello.

Come and see your daddy.

Come on. How are you, Tommy?

Glad to see you.

Come on, let's go for a bit of a walk, shall we?

Eh?

Someday all this will be yours, you know.

Yeah.

For as much
as it hath pleased Almighty God

of His great mercy, to take unto Himself

the soul of our dear Nanny, here departed,

we therefore commit her body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

in sure and certain hope
of the Resurrection to eternal life

through our Lord Jesus Christ,

who shall change our vile bodies...

You won't be leaving
the country or anything, will you, sir?

What? No. Why?

We are continuing our inquiries
into the murder of the nanny.

Murder?

Prams just don't explode, do they, sir?

We believe foul play was involved.

Surely, you don't think I...

I don't think anything, sir.

I'm a police officer.

Typical of the police
to suspect me of murder

the first time I was innocent.

Pity about the nanny.

Sad.

Good God, Shadgrind.
What the hell are you doing here?

Well, let's call it a watching brief.

A shame to lose another witness.

Still, I have her testimony on file.

What file? What are you talking about?

Our case, Tom.

What do you mean, our case?

Oh, sorry! I forgot. Stumm.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Say no more.

I told you,
I want nothing more to do with you.

That's it, Tom. Keep it up.

Look, piss off!

Yeah. Once more, a bit louder.

Why don't you fuck off!

Excellent. Very convincing.

Nannies don't just explode.

Cooks don't just spontaneously refrigerate.

What was going on? Was it the curse?

Who would be next?

Well, we are gonna need a new nanny I guess.

We definitely are.

I'll get it, dear. You sit with Henry.

-Oh, thank you.
-Thanks, Mummy.

Oh. What's all this noise then?

What's the matter with you, then, eh?

Eh? What's the matter with you? Eh?
Here, come with me.

You like that, do you? You like that, do you?

I think we need a change, don't you? Eh?

Come on.

Yes.

Come on, then. Come on, it's okay.

I've got to change your pants.
It's panty-changing time.

Oh, God! Blimey!
Where does it all come from?

You're all nice and clean, happy little ferret.

Oh, hello.

Oh, it's you, Tommy.

He was a bit wet,
so I thought I'd change him, you know.

You treat that baby like it was your own.

Well, I don't mind changing babies' nappies.

It's watching them eat that's repulsive.

Oh, you have such lovely buttocks, Tommy.

Please, Your Grace, don't start.

Oh, come on, you love it, really.

No, please, stop.

Oh, stop! You're always saying stop.

I can't, for the life of me,
think why you want to.

Oh, well, I'm not gonna listen to this.

Oh, my God!

What?

The rattle.

Only one person in the world had that rattle.

Oh, my God, it's you. You're my baby.

No.

Of course you are! How stupid of me.

You even look like the Bournemouths.

Oh, Rainbow Peace!

You're my little Butterfly Rainbow Peace!

Oh, God, my baby!
My little baby boy has come back to me.

Please, Your Grace!

Oh, your mummy's so glad to see you!

You don't know how much I missed you,
my little baby bee.

Baby, baby, kissy, kissy! I love you so much!

Ow! What's that for?

That is for trying to seduce your mother.

Seduce you?

We won't say another word about it.

I forgive you. You didn't know.

Who's been a naughty little boy
for leaving his mummy for so long?

You left me behind in a restaurant!

I do hope you're not going to be bitter.

I'm only bitter about Mrs. Bullock.

Mrs. Bullock?

Yes. She was a cook in that restaurant.

So?

Mrs. Bullock was Henry's mother.

Oh, my God!

Bully was my mother?

Oh, God. My mother-in-law was a cook.

So I'm not a duke.

And I'm not a duchess!

Well, Henry will just
have to renounce the title.

No, no, no. I won't hear of it.

He must. We can't have a cook's son
on the ducal throne.

Far too vulgar. Pity about the baby, though.

Still, you're young enough.
You can have another.

No, there's no real need, actually.

What do you mean there's no real need?

There's no need for another baby. It's my kid.

-What?
-That's my child.

Yours?

Yes. Kitty and I had a brief, um,

you know, before she got married.

You're the child's father?

-Yes. Kitty said there's no doubt...

Henry. Henry, I can explain everything.

-Oh, Henry, please come back!

Oh!

So then I grew up in Southall.

-Mmm-hmm.
-And we had a newsagent and a tobacconist.

And I had to do that.

I had to get up first thing in the morning on a
Sunday and do all the Sunday papers.

Aw.

You've got to stop him. He heard every word!

Hey. Can I take this?

Oh, absolutely, Your Grace.

Is it all gassed up?

Oh, yes, I fixed it now, Your Grace.

You just put your foot down and...

Sorry. Your ex-Grace.

Where is he? Good God, Shadgrind.

Good afternoon, Your Grace.

What do you mean, "Your Grace"?
What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, just hot-rodding the Morgan.

-What?
-Oh, you know,

making sure Henry's car really takes off.

What are you talking about?

Lovely old banger, that car.
Goes like a bomb, eh? Tick, tick.

Oh, my God. You bombed Nanny!

No, no, no, Tom.
No, no, that was an accident.

-An accident?
-I was after the baby.

Why?

Well, got to clear the path, Tom,
if you are to inherit.

You're mad.

Well, we're all a bit mad.

Oh, going to watch, are you? Enjoy it!

Terrific!

Found the frozen cook yet?

Marvelous, isn't it?
Not so much as a thank-you.

Come on, French man!

Come on, you're in Angleterre!

Oh, the same to vous!

Look out! Watch out!

Come on...

Look out! Watch out!

Jesus!

Oh, Tommy,
what am I going to do without Henry?

You'll have to marry me, Kitty.

-What?
-It's the obvious solution.

I'll look after you.

But I don't want to marry you, Tommy.

Why ever not?

Because I don't love you.

I love Henry.

Yeah, yeah. But it's for the sake of our child.

Tommy, it's not your child.

-What?
-It's Henry's.

-But you told me...
-I lied.

Well, whatever for?

Because I thought you were
going to murder Henry.

I was desperate to stop you.

Oh, God, Kitty, it wasn't like that.

He didn't kill Henry, actually. I did.

You know, Your Grace,

I thought we were supposed to be partners.

But I can't see any sign of it.

Can you?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

What do you think you're doing, Shadgrind?

Just arranging a tragic suicide pact.

What?

Well, I've made myself
the baby's legal guardian.

You see? Till he comes of age.

Still, that's 18 years of living here, rent-free.

Can't be bad!

Don't be ridiculous.

So, the family curse strikes again, does it?
What a shame!

You and I could have been very happy
together, Tom-Tom. Kneel down, please!

Drop the gun, Shadgrind!

-Boo.

Henry! How the hell did...

I pulled the car over for a piss,
some schmuck took it.

No, get down!

-Help!
-Henry!

Henry, are you all right?
-Right!

Now, where was I?

Yes. Three bodies in tragic
mystery love tangle. Hmm.

Better make that four, Shadgrind! Ha!

Get me out of this moose!

Somebody help Henry!

Henry! Oh, Henry!

I'm a lawyer.

Nice puss!

A puma! A puma!

I warned you.
You wouldn't listen. Typical, that.

Marvelous, isn't it? The ingratitude.

Well, that's a lawyer's lot these days.

You might as well take me straight
to France, incidentally.

I tell you, it was a puma!

That was the last we saw of Shadgrind.

Though there were rumors that he'd run off to
Beverly Hills and become a film producer.

Henry forgave me
and we became firm friends.

I sold my story to the tabloids

and married my secretary
to prevent her selling hers.

Bye, Mummy.

My mother went off with a policeman.

Come on, Harry. We'll be late for the races.

And as for Kitty and Henry,

well, they helped me establish Saddlers
as a major tourist attraction.

Though naturally, Henry did it his way.

Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Henry Bullock,

your host and official guide
for this afternoon's tour.

You can give your tickets
to Mr. Brittle there. Looking sharp, Brittle.

And so we all lived happily ever after.

Well, for a bit, at least.

I was just born lucky

Yes, I guess it's true

But now, my lucky luckiness
has all turned into blue

Someone came
and stole my baby away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Someone came
and stole my whole life away

I was so happy all of the time

With my baby, I was oh-so fine

But you came right along
and knocked me for a song

You took everything
that should be mine, mine, mine, mine

Someone came
and stole my happiness away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Now somehow that someone's
gonna have to pay

I lost my baby when he stepped in

He took my life and everything

He stole my baby, now I'm so blue

Tell me what to do

Someone came
and stole my baby away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Someone came
and stole my happiness today

He came along, he did me wrong

Now my whole life's gone

Someone came
and stole my whole life away

He's gonna have to pay, some way

He's gonna have to pay, some day

Yes, he's gonna have to pay