Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

- That is humorous, yes. - Very humorous, yes.

- Quite jocular, yes. - Droll, very droll, yes.

Whimsical, yes. Yes, quite absurd, yes.

Quite whimsical, yes.

Priceless wit of a satirical bit, yes.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[intriguing otherworldly music]

♪ ♪

- Smart Butt-Head? - Yes, Smart Beavis.

Why have we been called today before the Supreme Leaders?

Surely to reward us for our good work

and many achievements in space.

Perhaps they will give us a trophy.

Yes, the Supreme Leaders love us

because we are smart.

So begins the trial

of Smart Beavis and Smart Butt-Head

for crimes against Earth 327-Z.

This is the opposite of what we expected.

- Our logic was in error. - Indeed so.

This tribunal finds you guilty.

- Guilty. - Guilty!

- Guilty. - Guilty, mm-kay?

Thoroughly at odds

with the deontological theory of law,

as put forth by Smart Emmanuel Kant.

Well put, Smart Todd.

You were supposed to have spent

the last two years

exploring the various universes and what have you,

but all you've done is run up an expense account

on space nachos

and intergalactic pornography.

In our defense, Supreme Leader,

we were observing the universe

where Beavis and Butt-Head are in middle age.

Yes, at the height of their powers.

No one cares about that at all.

I mean, come on, just listen to yourselves.

And now, the matter of your punishment.

Your sentence is death, mm-kay?

Am I to understand

that we are definitely not getting a trophy, then?

Your sentence will be suspended,

and you will be permitted to live,

on the following condition.

You must quit screwing around and successfully complete

one scientific mission.

Your mission is as follows:

you will go to Earth-1,

the planet they call normal Earth,

and abduct a human for scientific experiments.

Failure will result in disintegration, mm-kay?

May science be with you.

[dramatic music]

Very well. We must abduct a human.

Set course for normal Earth.

Whoopsie-daisy.

Should we leave a space note on their windshield?

- No. - That was humorous.

- Quite humorous. - Very droll indeed, yes.

[country rock music]

♪ ♪

Who is this, Smart Butt-Head?

This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn.

He is a singer of country songs.

He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer.

He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards

for masterworks such as "Cost of Livin'"

and "Mama Don't Get Dressed Up For Nothing."

Ah, yes.

So country music has an academy?

Yes, they do. Perhaps we could teach there

if they don't already have instructors

in non-gravitational propulsion

or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions.

We would instantly be the smartest professors

at the country music academy,

for humans are stupid.

Yes, very stupid.

Look at this one, trying to wrestle a cow.

Humorous, quite humorous.

Which one is the human, and which one is the cow?

Ah, yes, humorous. Quite jocular, yes.

That one appears smarter. He must be the cow.

Please stop, Smart Butt-Head. I need to catch my breath.

Yes.

♪ He's walking to the left ♪

I don't know why,

but this music is making me love America.

This video also makes me want

to worship the man they call Jesus.

Yes, yes indeed, yes.

They have finally made music

for ordinary space people like us.

Those of us from the heartland of space

who work hard and deserve to unwind.

Yes, yes.

♪ Where the whiskey flows ♪

I wish there was more footage

of the females in this video.

Yes, yes, it is a veritable intergalactic festival

of sausage, Smart Beavis.

Ah, yes, yes, so called

because an intergalactic sausage

looks like a space penis, yes, it does, yes.

Quite humorous.

Notice the females are becoming intoxicated.

It is part of their ritual of scoring.

On this planet, the slut is shamed.

Ah, yes, yes, quite primitive,

quite primitive.

Yes.

Your mother is a slut.

I had non-procreational sexual intercourse

with your mother.

Thank you, Smart Butt-Head.

I am honored, for on our planet,

we have realized long ago

that the slut is not to be shamed,

but to be honored.

Yes, and your mother is quite honorable.

Again, thank you, Smart Butt-Head.

It is said that there are more men

that have been inside your mother

than there are Planck lengths

in the entire diameter of the universe.

Let us talk more about this video,

Smart Butt-Head, and not of my mother.

Is this the cowboy's wife?

I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis.

I did not ask you to evaluate

the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-Head.

I'm just asking, are they married?

- Humor detected. - Yes, humorous.

Quite humorous.

Yes, yes, humorous in the way

of the belt of the borscht.

Yes, yes, and the mountainous region

of the Catskills. - Yes.

[otherworldly music]

♪ ♪

Let us now begin abducting, Smart Beavis.

Yes, yes, let it be so.

♪ ♪

We must find a human to abduct, Smart Butt-Head.

Smart Beavis, observe.

And now, the winner

of the 35th annual chili cook-off,

Tom Anderson.

[laughs] Thank you.

I owe it all to my brisket.

Observe, Smart Butt-Head.

We have arrived on the coronation day

of their king.

How fortuitous.

Let us seize him and take him to our ship.

Humorous, but also menacing, yes.

Yes, yes, mirthful and sinister as well, yes, yes.

[dramatic music]

It's a hell of a chili, Tom.

Well, thank you, Bob.

I'm just gonna go get a couple two more beers

out of my car to wash it down with.

[humming "The Stars And Stripes Forever"]

[dramatic musical sting]

Greetings, Your Majesty.

We salute you, oh royal one.

Well, thank you kindly.

Are you boys in one of them fraternal organizations?

My daddy was a proud member of the Elks Club.

Are you all Elks?

- You must come with us. - Now, please.

Hell, all right.

You know, I always wondered what you gotta do

to get invited to join the Elks in this town.

I guess you just gotta win a chili cook-off.

After you, Your Majesty.

Boy, this van of yours must be a custom job.

You do this yourself, or have it done?

We purchased it used from Smart Beavis' uncle.

Yes, yes, it had numerous issues

he did not disclose.

But no matter,

for you are now our captive.

[dramatic musical sting]

Huh. - Hmm.

Is that boy gonna be all right now?

That was another whoopsie-daisy.

Trying it again.

Ah!

Humorous.

Humorous in a foreboding manner.

Yes, quite humorous, yes.

[dramatic music]

Very well, Smart Beavis.

We shall now perform scientific experiments

on this human.

Does that mean probe his anus?

That is what it means, and that is all that it means.

Prepare the machine.

Hmm.

How many anuses does a human have?

I believe one.

The machine is fully prepared.

Then let the science begin.

[machine whirs down]

I think the machine is broken, Smart Butt-Head.

Do you know how to fix it?

No. Do you?

Well, I could probably get that working for you again.

Nine times out of ten, what you're looking at

is a bad motor coupling.

[ratchets clicking]

Well, the capacitor seems good. That's not it.

You know, I don't exactly remember

who you boys are or how I even got here.

Yes, your memory was wiped

with a mnemulator.

Well, I call it a case of senioritis.

[laughs]

I ain't never seen something like this before.

Must be made in Italy or something.

It is made in a universe beyond your comprehension.

Ah, well, then it's probably all metric.

Oh, here's your problem.

See, this wire housing just worked its way loose.

[blows on wire]

We just gotta tighten that up like so.

See, you take this into the shop,

and they see you got a custom van from Italy,

they're gonna say it needs all kinds of parts

and run the price up on you,

but it's just a loose housing.

[machine hums and beeps]

So it works now?

It sure does.

So what's this thing do anyway?

It seals your doom.

[dramatic musical sting]

What now?

Incapacitate him

and attach him to the probe.

Very well, but first, I shall wipe his memory

with a mnemulator.

Look at this device.

You might see a bright light.

Look at what now?

Whoops, I missed.

Where am I? Who are you?

What is your name?

Are you boys all right?

What is this device?

I do not remember it.

It seems I can fit inside it.

Yes, quite comfortable, yes.

Do you remember what this button does?

I do not. Please press it.

[machine whirs]

Agh! My anus.

Agh! There is a probing of my anus.

Sir, do you remember how to turn this machine off?

The device is unfolding something.

It is expanding. - This is quite humorous.

Well, I don't need to join the Elks Club that bad,

I tell you what.

That sounds like the kind of shenanigans

they do at the Moose Lodge.

There seems to be an unexpected intrusion

in my anus.

Its reach was much more further

than I had imagined.

I remember who I am now,

and it is making it worse.

My anus.