Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

The floor sucks.

[chuckles]

Okay, we're running a new promo campaign

for the new ciabatta maple burger,

so we need somebody to stand out in front in this costume

and say, "Welcome to the Ciabatta Zone."

[chuckles] That's the dumbest thing

I ever saw. - Oh, cool.

I wanna wear the hamburger--

head. - Great, it fits.

Now, get in the bathroom and put the rest of the costume on.

Uh, okay. [chuckles]

[loud crash]

Um, sir?

I wanted to wear the hamburger--

You keep mopping this floor.

Okay, but, um, later, is it okay if I wear the hamburger--

Let's meet our team goals today, all right?

Ugh, yeah, okay, yeah.

This sucks.

[chuckles] This sucks.

[chuckles] - Hey, look,

it's, like, Hamburger Man.

Uh, welcome to, like,

the Ciabatta Zone or something.

[laughs] Take my picture with him.

Uh, whoa, hi, baby. [laughter]

- Now it's my turn. - Ooh, yeah, baby.

[laughter] Come to my Ciabatta Zone.

Hey!

[camera shutter clicking]

Can we take a picture where I'm sitting in your lap?

Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

The Ciabatta Zone kicks ass.

[laughter] - Okay, one more.

[somber music]

Look, I'm Mrs. Hamburger.

[laughter]

Ooh, yeah. [chuckles]

This guy gets it.

♪ I'm about to pull up, hit switch ♪

Boy, when Post Malone smokes,

he smokes.

♪ Now I gotta resurface ♪

And smokes and smokes. [chuckles]

Yeah, he just smokes the bejesus

out of those cigarettes, yeah. [chuckles]

When Post Malone smokes a cigarette,

that cigarette knows it's been smoked.

[chuckles]

[chuckles] If you're a cigarette

and you see Post Malone coming,

you can kiss your butt goodbye.

[chuckles]

♪ With a warrant ♪

Pretty soon, he's gonna have to have one of those

throat-voice box things,

where you have a hole in your throat.

Yeah, then he'll probably sound like,

you know-- well, I mean,

maybe he'll probably sound the same, you know?

Just like this, you know? [chuckles]

♪ Flushin' something down the toilet ♪

[raps gibberish]

♪ Toilet ♪

[chuckles]

Uh, wait a minute,

maybe he's had one of those all along.

[chuckles]

Oh, yeah, yeah,

that's why he's wearing that turtleneck.

♪ And I been waiting so long ♪

You know, I used to think smoking was really cool

until you get that hole in your throat,

but now he's even made that cool.

[chuckles]

Yep. [chuckles]

He kicks ass. [chuckles]

But he also gets tired really fast.

[chuckles]

And that's why he sounds all lazy when he sings.

[chuckles]

He's like, "Ugh, my back, ugh."

[chuckles] "You take it for a minute,

"Roddy Ricch.

I am exhausted." [chuckles]

[groans] "I just need to sit down

and have a cigarette, yeah."

[chuckles]

"Yeah, I've been working real hard smoking.

I'm gonna have a little smoke break here."

[chuckles] - Yup, the best time

to have a cigarette is right after a cigarette.

[chuckles]

He's like-- "[sighs]

I'm glad we shot this video in an IKEA."

[chuckles]

"Plenty of places to sit down and smoke."

[chuckles]

♪ And I been waiting so long ♪

♪ Now I gotta resurface ♪

Look at that old guy down at the bottom,

trying to weasel into the party.

[chuckles]

Uh, I think that's, like, his doctor.

He's trying to dance his way up to Post Malone

to tell him he only has six weeks to live.

Like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey, everybody, yeah.

"Hey, Post, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's kind of important."

[chuckles]

Yeah, he's like,

"Uh, Roddy Ricch, can you tell Post Malone

to come over here for a minute?"

[chuckles] - [chuckles]

"Post! Post, the X-rays

"don't look good. I need to talk to you

right now."

[chuckles]

Well, never mind. He'll find out soon enough.

[chuckles]

Yeah, nothing we can do anyway.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

And then this other chick came by, and she's all,

"What's up, Hamburger Man?" [chuckles]

Uh-huh. [chuckles]

And then her friend gave me a hug,

and I think the friend was a chick too.

But I can't really see too good out of my lettuce.

[chuckles] - That's great, Butt-Head.

Good for you. [chuckles]

And then this girl accidentally sat on my hand,

like, with her butt. [chuckles]

And she was only sitting on the foam part,

but it kind of looked like I got some.

[chuckles]

I'm glad you're having such a good time, Butt-Head.

[chuckles] - It's just too bad

that when I'm in the suit, the chicks can't see my face,

or I bet they'd like me even more.

[chuckles]

Yeah, Butt-Head, um,

I just wanted to ask if maybe sometime I could wear--

I'm gonna wear this suit every day

until the end of time, Beavis.

[chuckles] I will never take it off.

[chuckles] Except sometimes,

I will unzip it so the chicks can see my Ciabatta Zone.

[chuckles] Yeah, I see.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

[chuckles] You see, my Ciabatta Zone

is actually my-- - I know

what your Ciabatta Zone is, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

It's my wiener. [chuckles]

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's time for the two of us to get to work.

[chuckles] - Are we working today?

I was talking about me and the costume, butthole.

Now, zip me up. [chuckles]

Eh, okay. [chuckles]

Stay in school or something.

[chuckles] See you in the Ciabatta Zone.

[chuckles]

[somber music]

Welcome to the Ciabatta Zone. [chuckles]

Don't do drugs--or something.

[chuckles] - Hey, Butt-Head.

[striking dramatic note]

[chuckles]

And look,

I made my own costume. Check it out.

[chuckles]

What the hell are you supposed to be, dumbass?

[chuckles] - I'm, like, pizza.

[chuckles]

You can't just stand in front of Burger World

dressed as pizza.

Yes, I can. [chuckles]

Welcome to the pizza.

Wait, um, the--the, um--

the Pizza World of Ciabatta--

what--wait, what is it again? [chuckles]

Dude, it's 2021.

Imagine what life is gonna be like in 2025.

"Where is--where--where--what is Ryan at 40 gonna be doing

on a Tuesday?"

Wait, um, who's Ryan?

Uh, he's Ryan.

- Hey, my name is Ryan. - He's doing that thing

where he talks about himself.

"What is Ryan gonna be doing on a Tuesday?"

[chuckles] - You know, I think, um--

Think I might start doing that, you know?

I mean, I think Beavis might do that, yeah.

You know, in 2025, I think Beavis is gonna be

spanking his monkey more than ever--

[chuckles] Yeah, on a Tuesday.

Yeah, and maybe Wednesday, Thursday.

[chuckles]

'Cause you know, the day I get to--I mean,

the day Beavis gets tired of spanking my--I mean,

the day Beavis gets tired of spanking Beavis' monkey

then, um, you know, he's just not Beavis anymore.

[chuckles]

SERHANT Studios? [chuckles]

No, I think it's SERHANT SERHANT.

Isn't he the guy that assassinated the president?

[chuckles] - [chuckles]

You said "ass."

[both chuckle]

Yeah.

Yeah, I said it twice, actually.

[chuckles]

SERHANT SERHANT ass-ass-inated the president.

By 7:45.

Uh, I didn't know you knew about history, Beavis.

[chuckles]

Uh, mostly just gun stuff, you know?

[chuckles] That's about it.

So I know we did this daily routine video

a little while ago, but my life has changed--

namely, I'm now a dad,

and I'm a CEO.

Whoa. He's way more excited

about being a CEO than he is about being a dad.

Let's go.

Well, it's not his fault.

His baby sucks.

[chuckles]

Yeah, you know, they're not all good, you know?

I mean, who needs dads anyway, you know?

We don't.

We turned out just fine.

[chuckles] - [chuckles]

[percussive beat]

[sarcastically laughs]

"It's not all serious here at SERHANT SERHANT.

We like to have a little fun too."

"You can't take yourself too seriously in life,

you know?" [chuckles]

"Unless you're me, Ryan SERHANT SERHANT,

two-time New York Douchebag of the Year."

[both chuckle]

Everybody here has a story to tell,

and everyone here is an important piece.

[chuckles] I hate Ryan.

[chuckles]

Brand.

This is, like, pepperoni,

and this is a sausage or something,

and the cone is something else they put on pizza.

I don't know, it's, like, fruit or something.

[chuckles]

Welcome Ciabatta Pizza.

Yeah, uh, we don't have any change.

Yeah, this sucks. [chuckles]

Pizza sucks. Welcome to the Ciabatta Zone.

Hey, man, did you touch Angela Dattilo's butt yesterday

with that dumbass glove?

Uh, yeah, I sure did.

[chuckles]

Well, her boyfriend's on his way here to kick your ass.

Uh,

really?

Hmm. [chuckles]

Welcome to Pizza. Do you know what a zone is?

[chuckles]

Uh, Beavis,

I've decided to let you wear the hamburger costume.

[chuckles] - Oh, really, Butt-Head?

You're gonna let me wear the hamburger, for real?

Yes, Beavis.

I know you've wanted this for a long time.

Now hurry up and put it on as fast as you can

before I change my mind.

Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this is pretty cool, yeah.

I'm in the Ciabatto Zone. [chuckles]

Keep it on for a long time.

[chuckles]

[humming]

♪ Ciabatta ♪ - Hey, you.

Where's that Hamburger Man?

He's right that way, sir. [chuckles]

Hey, Hamburger Man!

Welcome to the Ciabatta Zone.

Touch her butt, man?

[grunts] - Wanna take a picture?

Wait--hey, wait a minute.

I think he's kicking my ass.

- This is what you get. - Butt-Head, help.

[chuckles] [punches thudding]

I can't see. Is that a chick?

- [chuckles] - Hey, cut it out!

Hey! Ow.

[screams] Ow!

You wanted to be the hamburger,

and I wanted to see you get your ass kicked.

[chuckles]

Everyone wins.

Pretty cool, yeah.

It was a great day.

It sure was, yeah,

and some guy said he's gonna send the video to WorldStar.

[chuckles]

Not too bad, yeah. [chuckles]

Not bad at all. [chuckles]

I miss when this couch had cushions though, you know?

[chuckles]

I'll kick your ass about that another time,

Beavis. For now, let's just

enjoy this moment.

[rock music plays]

[military music]

♪ ♪

So there I was, trapped behind enemy lines,

pinned down in a Korean farmhouse

by 50 Commie soldiers--

just me and three of my brothers in the Marine Corps,

and let's not forget a brave Korean farmer

by the name of Hon-yong.

[gunshots firing]

Hon-yong, I don't know who fixed this for you

the last time, but oh, boy--

I ought to be able to just clean out the P trap

and the pop-out drain,

but this one here is a 1 1/2 inch galvanized,

and this one--well, that there is metric.

[sighs] Well, that's one way to do it.

- I'm running out of ammo! - There's more of them coming!

[gunshots firing] - [grunts]

- [speaks Korean] - Yeah, I bet the last guy

told you he could save you a few won

if you just used whatever he had in the truck.

Well, I always say there's nothing more expensive

than saving a little money on home maintenance.

[bullet dings]

Okay, Hon-yong, where's the main water shutoff

to the house?

[gunshots firing]

Hon-yong?

Well, it ought to be by the water heater--

usually is.

[bullets thud] - [grunts]

And that's exactly where it was.

But I bet you wanna hear the rest of the story--

how the idiot who fixed that sink

screwed up the T and P valve on the water heater.

If Hon-yong wasn't already dead,

he could've been seriously burned.

But that's a tale for the next "Tom Anderson's War Stories."

♪ ♪