Original subtitles

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

Um, I don't think it's gonna happen, Butt-Head.

Just be patient, Beavis.

It'll happen.

Come on, Butt-Head. We've been waiting too long.

Let's go--whoa! Whoa, it's happening.

It's really happening.

I told you so, Beavis.

That teddy bear's taking a dump.

Worth the wait.

Plop.

Hey.

Is that your dog?

Uh, no.

That was a dog?

Typical, these rich jerks pay $5,000 for a designer dog.

Then they don't pick up after it.

Whoa, $5,000?

Yeah, they crossbreed two types of dogs.

Then they sell the puppies for thousands

while regular dogs rot in the pound.

Beavis, did you hear that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he said "pound."

No, dumbass, that guy said if we can get a dog

to score with another dog,

people will give us money for the dog babies.

Whoa, really? That's cool.

Beavis, we must begin breeding.

Breeding means score. [both chuckle]

I saw a dog around here yesterday.

Was it in a tree or something?

Whoa, there it is.

I thought that was, like, a bear or something.

Well, it's a dog now.

As long as it's got four legs and a schlong,

it's gonna score until we get $5,000.

Lucky bastard.

Get him, Beavis.

Hey there, doggie.

Good boy or something.

Who's a good--ow!

Ahh, bad dog! Damn it!

Son of a bitch, ahh! Butt-Head, help me!

Ahh, Butt-Head, help!

Damn it, Beavis, don't hurt its schlong.

- I'll kick your ass! - He needs it to score.

Damn it, ahh!

We got him where we want him, Beavis.

Now get in there.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

He's kind of, like, mad or something.

He's not mad.

He just wants us to take him to the park,

so he can, like, get busy.

Really? 'Cause he seems kind of mad.

Let me see.

Ow, ahh!

Okay, Beavis, get in there and gain his trust.

Butthole, ahh!

You better not be hurting its schlong in there.

Ahh, ahh!

We're gonna be millionaires.

Damn it, Beavis, keep him under control.

He's gonna scare off all the hot dog chicks.

Quiet down, boy. You know what I'm saying?

Good boy.

Uh, hello lady dogs.

How do we make our dog, like, want to score?

Our dog is cool, Beavis.

It wants to score all the time like a normal person.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.

We taught him well.

We need to find, like, the perfect chick dog,

and then, like, let nature take its course.

So which dog should our dog score with?

Uh, too dirty.

Looks like it's made out of nut sack.

Uh, that one will, like, scare his boner off.

Aw, that one seems nice.

She's got a nice face, you know.

We want him to score with it, not marry it.

That one's got nice hair.

Uh, I think she's, like, taken or something.

[both chuckling]

- Whoa. - Ooh, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

That dog is hot.

It's like boi-oi-oi-oing!

Come to Butt-Head's dog.

Well, polish up your dog schlong

because you're about to score.

Hey, best pal-y. I'm Ali.

And you may remember me from such things

as covering my car in blue AstroTurf.

Well, as I've been driving my fake grass around,

I couldn't help but think, fake is good,

but living is more outrageous.

Can I turn my car into a giant Chia Pet.

Uh, oh, boy.

Wow.

You think this girl ever, like, gets tired of herself?

No, 'cause I think other people being tired of her

gives her energy.

She, like, feeds off of it.

This is a car-pet, but I want to cultivate

a lush, growing car-den.

She's trying to, like, be entertaining

with every single word she says.

She just never talks in a normal voice or a normal way.

It's like this entire video is one long sentence.

Yeah, life sentence, I tell ya.

I bet she's, like, really difficult to watch.

Yeah, yeah, uh, we are watching her, Butt-Head.

And it is difficult. I was right.

And, of course, into vans that you rent

and drive Lyft around.

She's quirky.

I'm glad I'm not quirky.

Me too.

I have no quirks, and I'm happy about it.

I mean, I still sniff glue sometimes,

but that's not really a quirk, you know.

It's more like, you know, an addiction.

Still been too busy coming up with dumb ideas

and then executing them.

I don't know how she lives with herself, really.

Uh, yeah, I think, in between every shot,

she sleeps for like 22 hours.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I got 30 pounds of chia, and I thought,

that might be too much, so I made it 60 pounds

just to be sure it's too much.

Like, your mouth works, ma'am.

You can stop testing it.

One thing I'll say about this is,

it makes me glad that I never do projects.

Accomplishment sucks.

[chuckles]

Focus on the car.

I'm covering this car with my need for attention.

[chuckling]

Is there a way to, like, turn down her personality?

Like on the TV, you know?

Uh, maybe in, like, advanced settings

under, like, motion blur.

It's gonna take three weeks to get my ID,

so subscribe and stay tuned because I'm sure

I'll show you how stupid I look in the final picture

in a future video.

What an asshole.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

Wow, I've never heard you say that, Butt-Head.

I've never needed to say it before.

And this time, it needed to be said.

[upbeat music]

You know, when they say, like, the internet is bad,

like, bad for mankind,

they mean this.

You might get diar-chia.

Ooh, yeah, yeah.

That dog's got it in all the right places.

Yeah.

Uh, dog?

We have found your dog chick.

And now you must score.

[both chuckle]

You know, I wish a dog would make me score.

That would be cool, but then, like,

the dog would get all the money.

So what? I still scored.

Everything's not always about money, Butt-Head.

If your job is scoring,

you'll never work a day in your life.

There she is, boy.

Now remember everything we told you.

This is where it all pays off.

Go!

Uh...

where'd he go?

[raccoon chittering]

Whoa, he's scoring.

Yeah, yeah, look at him go.

[dog yelping]

Butt-Head, are they supposed to be biting

and scratching so much?

It doesn't look that fun.

Well, some people don't enjoy scoring, Beavis.

Maybe it's just not your thing.

No, no, no, I mean, it looks cool.

I just--you know.

No, no, it's okay, Beavis.

Maybe you're just not old enough.

Don't let anyone pressure you into something

you're not ready for.

Shut up, Butt-Head! Shut up.

I'm really into it. Yeah, get it.

Get off of him!

[dog yelping]

Come on, Rufus. You poor boy.

I'm taking you right to the vet!

Hey, you've got, like, half our dog babies in there.

Yeah, our dog scored.

And that's where dog babies come from or something.

Hey.

Did I hear him say that his dog was, like, a boy?

Uh, oh, yeah. I think he did.

Then who's gonna have the puppies?

That dumbass took the wrong dog.

[chuckles]

[raccoon shrieks]

[glass shattering]

It's dark.

[heavy rock music]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[chiming noises]

Chirp.