Original subtitles

[chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[chuckling]

Community service sucks.

Public urination is, like, a dumb law.

Yeah, really.

Plus, we mostly just peed on ourselves, you know?

So like--so like, where's the crime, you know?

[laughter] - Oh, no!

Did you hear?

Diane is having another kid.

Can you imagine?

No, thank you.

The three I have are enough.

both: Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Oh, I told Roger, if you ever want to have sex with me again,

you better get a vasectomy.

[laughter]

Whoa, Beavis.

Did you hear that?

If we get vasectomies, we can score with those chicks.

Whoa, that's cool.

But like, um, what's a vasectomy?

It's an operation on your nads, dumbass.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds pretty good, yeah.

Maybe that's why we never score.

What's in our nads is too powerful.

It scares the chicks away.

Whoa!

You know, it's amazing our nads are so powerful,

because we've been hit in the nads so many times.

That only made them stronger, Beavis.

We trained them up.

We've got super-- [screams]

And now your sperms are getting even stronger.

Yeah, I can feel it.

It hurts a lot, yeah.

[chuckles]

What's up, gentlemen?

So before we get started, I would just like

to give you an alpha M knuckle bump

for being so damn incredible.

No disputing the fact that you're incredible

and can accomplish great, amazing things.

But the only way you're gonna be able to truly--

Uh... [both chuckling]

Uh...

Commit yourself for the next 30 days to the alpha M--

You think this guy knows what he's talking about, Butt-Head?

Uh, you can tell he's an expert

'cause he, like, talks into a camera,

and he's all loud, and he makes lists.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe he knows what he's talking about, yeah.

Six things that you need to pay attention--

Uh, I know six things

I'd like to pay attention to right about now.

In my opinion, to truly reach alpha status,

you need to be spiritual.

Now, whatever that means to you, it means to you.

Whether or not you believe in Jesus, Krishna, Buddha,

it doesn't matter to me.

Are those all the chicks he's scored with?

Uh, yeah.

They all sound like strippers.

Yeah. [chuckling]

I want to get a lap dance from Krishna.

Ooh. [chuckling]

30 days, I want you to write down something

you are grateful for.

How many years is 30 days?

Uh, I don't know.

But the landlord said to vacate in 30 days.

And that was about two years ago, and we're still here.

Yeah, 30 days is a long time. [chuckling]

Now if you're somebody who's already, like, exercising,

I'd like to give you a knuckle bump.

Oh, yeah. Gotta exercise.

Time for my 12-ounce curls.

[slurps]

[sighs] Feel the burn.

Butt-Head, spot me.

[slurps] Mmm, yeah.

Never skip arms day, you know what I'm saying?

The sixth pillar of the alpha 30-day plan--

What's alpha again?

Is it like, something with the alphabet or something?

[chuckles]

Uh, no.

Alpha is like the gorilla that gets to score

with all the other gorillas.

Whoa.

So he scores with a lot of gorillas?

Uh, I guess so.

He just like, goes down to the zoo

and just like, does them all?

Uh, yeah.

He's an alpha. [chuckles]

And then the other gorillas try to stop him,

but he just beats them up.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he spanks his monkey, see?

[both chuckling]

Gorillas aren't monkeys, Beavis.

They're apes.

So that joke doesn't work.

Try to be more careful next time.

Oh, well.

If this means that you've got to make up with some people,

or deal with some things that you've been, like,

harboring and hanging on to, gentlemen, it is worth it.

Uh, Beavis, there's something I've been meaning

to get off my chest for a long time.

And I just didn't have the courage to say it,

but here goes.

Beavis, you're the biggest dumbass in the world.

[chuckling]

Ah.

Felt good to get that out.

Yeah, OK.

Yeah, up yours. [both chuckling]

Yeah, I'm glad we connected.

[slurps] Ah.

Me too.

Now let's have another beer

and watch this guy bone a gorilla.

Say it, sister. Yeah! [chuckling]

[slurping]

Amen.

Ever reach alpha status.

So you're interested in getting vasectomies?

Well, obviously. [chuckling]

Yeah, I mean, you know, we want to score, you know.

Well, let me walk you through the procedure.

Your body generates sperm--

[both chuckling]

Right here in the testicles--

[both chuckling]

Which are located here in the scrotum.

Yeah. [both chuckling]

It then travels through the vas deferens--

- Uh... - Huh?

On its way to the penis.

[both chuckling]

And then through the urethra.

- Uh... - Huh?

That's in the course of a normal ejaculation.

[chuckling]

Um...

That's like... [whispering]

Oh!

[both chuckling]

Ejaculation.

The procedure is simply to cut and seal the vas deferens

right here, and then you should be able

to return to your current level of sexual activity.

Yeah.

Or more. [chuckles]

If you'd like, we can schedule

your procedures for Monday.

Any questions?

Yeah, yeah, um,

do you have one of those, but it's like, a chick?

You know what I'm saying?

I do, actually.

Whoa!

Now this guy is cool. [chuckles]

Uh, we're here for our vasectomies.

Yeah, our appointment was, like,

an hour ago or something.

OK.

So how long is this gonna take?

I want to score this afternoon. [chuckles]

These porno magazines suck.

They're just guys playing golf.

Gentlemen, we're ready for you.

It's a quick procedure.

You'll be able to go right back to your normal routine.

I just want to remind you to wait a week

before you ejaculate.

No, that's fine. Yeah.

All we're gonna do this week anyway is score.

All right.

Go ahead and lie down, and in a few minutes,

you'll no longer have to worry about fathering children.

[echoing] Fathering children,

fathering children, fathering children.

[dreamy music]

Father, Father.

Yes, Butt-Head Junior and Butt-Head Threenior?

Uh, Father, tell us about all the times you scored.

Of course, children.

[knocking]

But what's this? [chuckles]

Mr. Head, I'm here to hand-deliver

Butt-Head Fournior's report card.

Mm. - [chuckling]

Parenthood is cool.

♪ ♪

[chuckling]

[snickering] You're cool, Dad.

Oh, yeah.

I guess I am. [chuckling]

And you can play with our LEGOs.

[snickering]

Whoa, cool! Yeah, LEGOs.

[knocking]

But what's this? [chuckles]

Hey, look, kids! It's the Butt-Heads.

We're here to kick your ass.

Oh, cool. [chuckles]

So glad we could get the families together, you know?

Get him, son. [all grunting]

Hey, can I get anybody anything?

I've got some Dr. Peppers in the fridge--ah!

♪ ♪

Um, you know, um,

being dads might actually be pretty cool, Butt-Head.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

My kids would kick ass. [chuckling]

Are you ready?

- Uh... - Um...

All righty, I've applied

the local anesthetic to your scrotums.

The procedure will be over before you know it.

So, um, kids are kind of cool, aren't they, Butt-Head?

Uh, yeah.

If they're raised right, like we were.

[chuckles]

[metallic zing]

- Hey, stop! - Whoa!

Stay away from our super nads!

Yeah, the world needs more Butt-Heads, or something.

[tools clattering]

[both grunting]

Yeah, I'm gonna have kids someday, Butt-Head.

Even if I have to never score to do it.

Uh...

my nads are numb.

Yeah, mine too. Ugh.

Uh...

[grunts]

Wait a minute, did you just kick me in the nads?

Yeah. [chuckles]

I didn't even feel anything.

[grunts]

Whoa, I didn't feel anything either.

Do it again.

[grunts]

This is cool.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's amazing.

Kick me harder this time.

- [grunts] - Whoa.

Now do me again, yeah. As hard as you can, yeah.

- [grunts] - Wow!

I could do this all day, yeah.

[grunts] - It almost feels good.

[grunts] - Ooh, yeah, yeah.

That was right with the toe, yeah.

Feels kind of warm. [grunts]

You know, people say numb nuts

like it's a bad thing, but--

but this kicks ass.

Let's go find a baseball bat. [chuckles]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[chiming noises]

Chirp.