Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

These garbage bags are wet.

[chuckles]

I'm gonna slide first, Butt-Head.

Me first, yeah. This is going to be cool.

Uh, okay.

Okay. Here we go. Heh heh.

Wait a minute. Hang on.

I better back up so I can get a running start.

I'm gonna back up some more so I can go really fast.

Hurry up, dumbass.

We don't have all day.

Heh heh heh. - Okay.

Okay, here goes.

Go, butt-monkey, go.

[panting]

[thuds, yells]

[snickering] That kicked ass!

Uh... get up.

It's my turn, dumbass.

Uh, are you, like, dead or something?

Uh, oh, well.

I guess I'll never know. [chuckles]

[door opens, shuts]

[door opens]

[grunting]

Oh, no.

Ow.

[groaning]

Whoa.

Ow, ow!

That's, like, the worst sunburn I ever saw.

I know. Heh.

It, like, hurts and stuff.

I'm sorry, Beavis.

That must be very painful.

[chuckles]

[screams] Come on.

Don't touch my sunburn, please.

Uh, okay.

[whack] - Aah!

I didn't touch it. I slapped it.

Damn it, Butt-Head. Cut it out!

[giggling] - Uh, all right.

[making buzzing sound]

Oh, no. It's a mosquito.

Oh, no. Where is it?

[buzzing, snickering]

It landed on you, Beavis.

Oh, really?

Would you, like, slap it or something?

Because I don't want it to bite me on my sunburn--

uh, wait, no!

Aaaaah!

Got it.

[chuckling]

Butt-Head, I'm only gonna tell you this once.

I know I've said I'm gonna kill you before,

and then I didn't kill you.

But if you ever do that again, so help me God,

I am going to, for real, seriously, going to kill--

[whack] Aaaaaah!

No!

Aaaaah!

[snickers] Dumbass.

Well, see you later, Beavis.

[whack] - Aaaaaaaaaah!

Good luck with the sunburn.

[grunting, panting]

I warned him, and he did not listen.

So now Butt-Head is going to die.

[ominous music]

[uneasy music]

How am I going to kill Butt-Head?

[chuckling]

Let's see.

I don't think I've ever done any murders before,

so I'm gonna have to hire a hitman.

Yeah. Let's see.

What's a hitman look like?

Probably looks like that guy in "Goodfellas," yeah.

I don't remember that movie that well,

but I think that guy lived on that street,

and he had, like, a tie all the time.

Um... yeah, yeah, like this guy.

[door bell jingles]

Hey, how's it going? Hee hee hee.

Uh, hello.

I'm looking for someone to do a little job for me,

if you know what I'm saying.

I stole this picture from Butt-Head's uncle's house,

so don't tell anyone. [giggling]

Do I know you?

My name isn't important.

Now, let me ask you, can you do this job or not?

[snickering]

If you've got a job needs doing,

why don't you go to the Home Warehouse?

Plenty of people there looking for a job.

Yeah, that kicks ass. Yeah.

[ominous music]

Yeah, that's going to be cool. Hee hee hee.

[chuckles]

Okay, this looks like the place.

Hee hee hee hee.

I was told someone in here could do a job for me.

Maybe. What kinda job we talking about?

Here's a picture.

It's from Butt-Head's uncle's house.

Oh, yeah. This really needs it.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

He slapped my sunburn and stuff.

Wow. Now, no offense,

but you should have taken care of this years ago.

Yeah, really! Yeah, no kidding.

[snickers]

You know how many square feet we're talking?

I don't know. He's got, like, two, you know.

They're just, like, normal foot shape.

I don't know what you're-- - 2,000?

That's about right. Okay.

Yeah, I can be there at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

The whole thing'll take about four days.

Yeah, good. Yeah.

I want it to be slow, yeah. Heh heh heh.

Oh, almost forgot. What color?

Uh, I don't know. I guess, um...

I guess white, or something?

Let me text my guys.

I'm not racist, I just want to kill my friend!

Jesus Christ.

All right. So I'll see you tomorrow at 8:00?

Oh, I'll be there, yeah.

I want to watch the whole thing.

[chuckles]

Butt-Head is going to die. Hee hee heh heh.

But here, we don't.

Welcome to Montero.

[Lil Nas X's, "Montero [Call Me by Your Name]"]

Uh, I think this is supposed to be like

that garden in the Bible.

Where that chick Eve, or Eden, or whatever her name is

eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to.

And then it, like, puts a curse on the Earth.

[snickering]

Yeah, see, that's one of those stories

that has a moral, you know.

And the moral is fruit sucks.

Yeah. Hee hee. - Yeah.

And so do gardens.

[chuckles]

♪ I'm not fazed... ♪

Uh, then remember that other part of the story

where, like, God takes the rib out of that dude

and makes a chick?

You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage.

Yeah, neither would I.

I'd just be a big blob of flesh

with a bunch of chicks around me and no bones.

Hee hee hee. Except I'd still have one bone.

[chuckling]

You know, Lil Nas X could probably score

with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know?

Heh heh. And he definitely wants to, yeah.

He's all about the ladies. Heh heh heh.

Did you know the X in Lil Nas X

stands for extremely interested in chicks?

♪ What a time, an incline ♪

♪ God was shining on me... ♪ - Wait, who's that?

Is that Satan?

No, it's Darth Maul. Heh heh.

Satan is like part of the Marvel universe.

Oh, yeah, yeah. [giggling]

Uh, remember that time that guy

wanted you to be a Satanist?

And then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church,

but it was just a room over his mom's garage?

[chuckles]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I thought there would be, like, naked chicks

and like blood and stuff.

But he just wanted to sit around

and talk about low taxes and--

and libertarianism or something, I don't know.

It's like, that's not evil.

It's just stupid.

And it's also boring, Beavis.

And I don't wanna hear about it, either.

So shut up.

[chuckling]

Oh, and-and remind me to tell you later

what he said about who controls the media.

You'd be surprised. It's not who you think.

[chuckling]

Oh, and, oh, you know what else?

Um, did you know that 7-11 was an inside job?

They don't want you to know that.

[giggling]

They suck.

[chuckles]

[ominous music]

[crunching]

Look at him, being all alive and stuff.

But today, he will be murdered.

[snickers]

Get me more Count Chocula, butthole.

Hee hee hee.

Um, Butt-Head, ha, whatever happens, just know that I'm--

I'm like, sorry, or something.

You're gonna be sorry

if you don't get me some Count Chocula.

[chuckles]

You know, it just--it had to be this way, you know.

You know what I'm saying? I...I had no choice.

[chuckling]

[vehicle approaching]

[tense music]

What have I done?

[chuckling]

It's kinda like messed up or something.

Heh heh heh.

He said evacuate.

[chuckling]

Damn it, I don't think I can do this.

Stop, stop! I-I changed my mind, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

Don't do it. It's not worth it.

What are you talking about, man?

I came out here with my truck and my whole crew.

Jesus Christ, what were you gonna do to him?

He's just one guy. - Hey, man.

If you're canceling, I still need my commencement check.

How much is that? Like $5.00, or something?

No, 2,000!

Listen, you give me my commencement check now,

or I'm gonna kick your ass!

Uh, what the hell's going on out here?

I'm saving your life, Butt-Head.

Go back inside while you still can!

Hee hee.

Uh, if you guys are gonna beat up Beavis,

slap him on his sunburn.

He hates it. Heh heh.

Uh, wait-wait a minute, what?

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Hey, no, no. No!

Aaaaaah! [Butt-Head laughs]

No, no, no, wait, wait-- - Do it again.

Aah! No!

Aah!

No! - [chuckling]

[ominous music]

[slapping and screaming continues]

[military marching band music]

Hello. I'm Tom Anderson,

veteran of two foreign wars.

And believe you me, I've got some stories to tell.

But none of them are quite like what happened

one particular morning

during the Battle of Heartbreak Ridge.

[gunfire, explosions]

[men yelling]

See, what you got here is the wipers are all seized up.

If one wiper worked, I'd say maybe this loosened up on you.

You could just tighten this down.

But I'd wager we're dealing with a mechanical issue here.

Sir, we have to get to the battle.

You can win this war quick, or you can win this war right.

[boom]

Now, of course, I could get this off

if the last guy who fixed it hadn't stripped the threads.

[boom]

Oh, boy.

- Sir-- - Uh, now you get

200 miles down the road and it starts raining on you,

you're gonna be thanking me.

Bingo!

Now, inside the wiper motor

there's what I call a park switch.

Yep, totally shot.

And I ended up having to replace the whole wiper motor.

But that little tale will have to wait

for another one of Tom Anderson's War Stories.

[military marching band music]