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1
00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:09,139
♪ MTV ♪
2
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,795
[both chuckling]
3
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:15,754
[bluesy rock music]
4
00:00:15,841 --> 00:00:22,935
♪ ♪
5
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,991
These garbage bags are wet.
6
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:36,949
[chuckles]
7
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,255
I'm gonna slide first,
Butt-Head.
8
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:40,692
Me first, yeah.
This is going to be cool.
9
00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,477
Uh, okay.
10
00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:44,609
Okay. Here we go.
Heh heh.
11
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:46,307
Wait a minute.
Hang on.
12
00:00:46,394 --> 00:00:48,135
I better back up so I
can get a running start.
13
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:53,314
I'm gonna back up some more
so I can go really fast.
14
00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:54,880
Hurry up, dumbass.
15
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:57,840
We don't have all day.
16
00:00:57,927 --> 00:00:59,320
Heh heh heh.
- Okay.
17
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:00,930
Okay, here goes.
18
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,540
Go, butt-monkey, go.
19
00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:04,977
[panting]
20
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:08,894
[thuds, yells]
21
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:12,724
[snickering]
That kicked ass!
22
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:17,947
Uh... get up.
23
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:21,124
It's my turn, dumbass.
24
00:01:23,039 --> 00:01:25,955
Uh, are you, like,
dead or something?
25
00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:30,090
Uh, oh, well.
26
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,831
I guess I'll never know.
[chuckles]
27
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,095
[door opens, shuts]
28
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:41,710
[door opens]
29
00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:46,280
[grunting]
30
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:47,455
Oh, no.
31
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:48,456
Ow.
32
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,762
[groaning]
33
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:53,548
Whoa.
34
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,550
Ow, ow!
35
00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:59,336
That's, like, the
worst sunburn I ever saw.
36
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:00,946
I know. Heh.
37
00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:03,645
It, like, hurts and stuff.
38
00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:05,037
I'm sorry, Beavis.
39
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,865
That must be very painful.
40
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,128
[chuckles]
41
00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:11,740
[screams]
Come on.
42
00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:13,916
Don't touch my sunburn, please.
43
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:17,224
Uh, okay.
44
00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:19,617
[whack]
- Aah!
45
00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:22,490
I didn't touch it.
I slapped it.
46
00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,709
Damn it, Butt-Head.
Cut it out!
47
00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:28,887
[giggling]
- Uh, all right.
48
00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:31,760
[making buzzing sound]
49
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,283
Oh, no.
It's a mosquito.
50
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:35,024
Oh, no.
Where is it?
51
00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:38,027
[buzzing, snickering]
52
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:39,550
It landed on you, Beavis.
53
00:02:39,637 --> 00:02:40,986
Oh, really?
54
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,901
Would you, like,
slap it or something?
55
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:44,033
Because I don't want it
to bite me on my sunburn--
56
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,295
uh, wait, no!
57
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,340
Aaaaah!
58
00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:47,384
Got it.
59
00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:50,561
[chuckling]
60
00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:54,609
Butt-Head, I'm only gonna
tell you this once.
61
00:02:54,696 --> 00:02:56,959
I know I've said I'm gonna
kill you before,
62
00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:58,743
and then I didn't kill you.
63
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:01,920
But if you ever do that again,
so help me God,
64
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:06,142
I am going to, for real,
seriously, going to kill--
65
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:07,361
[whack]
Aaaaaah!
66
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:08,536
No!
67
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,190
Aaaaah!
68
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:13,062
[snickers]
Dumbass.
69
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:15,282
Well, see you later, Beavis.
70
00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:16,283
[whack]
- Aaaaaaaaaah!
71
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:18,285
Good luck with the sunburn.
72
00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:22,550
[grunting, panting]
73
00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:25,466
I warned him,
and he did not listen.
74
00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:28,947
So now Butt-Head
is going to die.
75
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,949
[ominous music]
76
00:03:32,995 --> 00:03:35,693
[uneasy music]
77
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,129
How am I
going to kill Butt-Head?
78
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,262
[chuckling]
79
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:40,785
Let's see.
80
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:43,005
I don't think I've ever
done any murders before,
81
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:45,877
so I'm gonna have
to hire a hitman.
82
00:03:45,964 --> 00:03:48,358
Yeah. Let's see.
83
00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:51,013
What's a hitman look like?
84
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,408
Probably looks like that
guy in "Goodfellas," yeah.
85
00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:56,714
I don't remember
that movie that well,
86
00:03:56,801 --> 00:04:00,501
but I think that guy
lived on that street,
87
00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:03,460
and he had, like,
a tie all the time.
88
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:06,246
Um...
yeah, yeah, like this guy.
89
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,291
[door bell jingles]
90
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,599
Hey, how's it going?
Hee hee hee.
91
00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:13,862
Uh, hello.
92
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:16,038
I'm looking for someone
to do a little job for me,
93
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:17,779
if you know what I'm saying.
94
00:04:21,086 --> 00:04:23,480
I stole this picture from
Butt-Head's uncle's house,
95
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,787
so don't tell anyone.
[giggling]
96
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:27,571
Do I know you?
97
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,094
My name isn't important.
98
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:32,272
Now, let me ask you,
can you do this job or not?
99
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:33,534
[snickering]
100
00:04:33,621 --> 00:04:35,623
If you've got
a job needs doing,
101
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,886
why don't you go to
the Home Warehouse?
102
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:40,410
Plenty of people there
looking for a job.
103
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,978
Yeah, that kicks ass. Yeah.
104
00:04:43,065 --> 00:04:45,807
[ominous music]
105
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:49,114
Yeah, that's going to be cool.
Hee hee hee.
106
00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:52,292
[chuckles]
107
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:53,858
Okay, this looks like
the place.
108
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,121
Hee hee hee hee.
109
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:04,608
I was told someone in here
could do a job for me.
110
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:06,871
Maybe. What kinda job
we talking about?
111
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:10,222
Here's a picture.
112
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,181
It's from Butt-Head's
uncle's house.
113
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:15,053
Oh, yeah.
This really needs it.
114
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:16,577
Yeah, yeah, I know.
115
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:19,406
He slapped my
sunburn and stuff.
116
00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:21,321
Wow. Now, no offense,
117
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,540
but you should have
taken care of this years ago.
118
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:24,715
Yeah, really!
Yeah, no kidding.
119
00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,195
[snickers]
120
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,153
You know how many
square feet we're talking?
121
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,851
I don't know.
He's got, like, two, you know.
122
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,592
They're just, like,
normal foot shape.
123
00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:32,723
I don't know what you're--
- 2,000?
124
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,290
That's about right. Okay.
125
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:35,813
Yeah, I can be there
at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.
126
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,641
The whole thing'll
take about four days.
127
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:39,208
Yeah, good. Yeah.
128
00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:41,993
I want it to be slow, yeah.
Heh heh heh.
129
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,605
Oh, almost forgot.
What color?
130
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,433
Uh, I don't know.
I guess, um...
131
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,000
I guess white, or something?
132
00:05:49,087 --> 00:05:50,915
Let me text my guys.
133
00:05:51,002 --> 00:05:52,221
I'm not racist, I just
want to kill my friend!
134
00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:53,962
Jesus Christ.
135
00:05:54,049 --> 00:05:56,225
All right. So I'll see you
tomorrow at 8:00?
136
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,574
Oh, I'll be there, yeah.
137
00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,097
I want to watch
the whole thing.
138
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:02,187
[chuckles]
139
00:06:02,274 --> 00:06:05,408
Butt-Head is going to die.
Hee hee heh heh.
140
00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:09,456
But here, we don't.
141
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,893
Welcome to Montero.
142
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:14,156
[Lil Nas X's, "Montero
[Call Me by Your Name]"]
143
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:16,506
Uh, I think this is
supposed to be like
144
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:19,553
that garden in the Bible.
145
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,860
Where that chick Eve, or Eden,
or whatever her name is
146
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:25,602
eats that fruit that
she wasn't supposed to.
147
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,996
And then it, like,
puts a curse on the Earth.
148
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,693
[snickering]
149
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:30,912
Yeah, see, that's one of
those stories
150
00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:32,522
that has a moral, you know.
151
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,872
And the moral is fruit sucks.
152
00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:37,353
Yeah. Hee hee.
- Yeah.
153
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,094
And so do gardens.
154
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:41,575
[chuckles]
155
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,141
♪ I'm not fazed... ♪
156
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:46,014
Uh, then remember that
other part of the story
157
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,669
where, like, God takes
the rib out of that dude
158
00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:51,280
and makes a chick?
159
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,849
You know, if I could do that,
I would have no rib cage.
160
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:56,851
Yeah, neither would I.
161
00:06:56,938 --> 00:07:00,028
I'd just
be a big blob of flesh
162
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:02,944
with a bunch of chicks
around me and no bones.
163
00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:05,947
Hee hee hee.
Except I'd still have one bone.
164
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,297
[chuckling]
165
00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:11,474
You know, Lil Nas X
could probably score
166
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,911
with any chick in this video
that he wanted to, you know?
167
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:18,089
Heh heh. And he definitely
wants to, yeah.
168
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,265
He's all about the ladies.
Heh heh heh.
169
00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:22,920
Did you know the X
in Lil Nas X
170
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:26,489
stands for extremely
interested in chicks?
171
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:28,360
♪ What a time,
an incline ♪
172
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,450
♪ God was shining on me... ♪
- Wait, who's that?
173
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:31,973
Is that Satan?
174
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,497
No, it's Darth Maul.
Heh heh.
175
00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:37,892
Satan is like part
of the Marvel universe.
176
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:39,720
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[giggling]
177
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,504
Uh, remember
that time that guy
178
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,375
wanted you to be a Satanist?
179
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,074
And then he said he'd take
you to the Satanic Church,
180
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:48,380
but it was just a room
over his mom's garage?
181
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,469
[chuckles]
182
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:51,296
Oh, yeah, yeah.
183
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:52,515
Yeah, I thought there would
be, like, naked chicks
184
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:54,865
and like blood and stuff.
185
00:07:54,952 --> 00:07:56,084
But he just wanted
to sit around
186
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:57,520
and talk about low taxes and--
187
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,697
and libertarianism or
something, I don't know.
188
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:02,569
It's like, that's not evil.
189
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:05,310
It's just stupid.
190
00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:07,617
And it's also boring, Beavis.
191
00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:09,227
And I don't wanna
hear about it, either.
192
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:10,577
So shut up.
193
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:13,014
[chuckling]
194
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,364
Oh, and-and remind me
to tell you later
195
00:08:15,451 --> 00:08:18,062
what he said about
who controls the media.
196
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:20,369
You'd be surprised.
It's not who you think.
197
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,718
[chuckling]
198
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,285
Oh, and, oh,
you know what else?
199
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:28,420
Um, did you know that
7-11 was an inside job?
200
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,335
They don't want you
to know that.
201
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:31,772
[giggling]
202
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:33,121
They suck.
203
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:36,385
[chuckles]
204
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:39,431
[ominous music]
205
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:42,086
[crunching]
206
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:45,916
Look at him,
being all alive and stuff.
207
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:48,832
But today,
he will be murdered.
208
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:50,225
[snickers]
209
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:53,054
Get me more Count Chocula, butthole.
210
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:55,491
Hee hee hee.
211
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:58,581
Um, Butt-Head, ha, whatever
happens, just know that I'm--
212
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:01,976
I'm like, sorry, or something.
213
00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:03,673
You're gonna be sorry
214
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,936
if you don't get me
some Count Chocula.
215
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,808
[chuckles]
216
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:10,158
You know, it just--it had
to be this way, you know.
217
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:13,378
You know what I'm saying?
I...I had no choice.
218
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:14,684
[chuckling]
219
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,686
[vehicle approaching]
220
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:21,299
[tense music]
221
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,780
What have I done?
222
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,390
[chuckling]
223
00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:27,392
It's kinda like
messed up or something.
224
00:09:27,479 --> 00:09:28,480
Heh heh heh.
225
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,526
He said evacuate.
226
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:33,007
[chuckling]
227
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:37,881
Damn it,
I don't think I can do this.
228
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:40,971
Stop, stop!
I-I changed my mind, yeah.
229
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:42,451
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
230
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:43,800
Don't do it.
It's not worth it.
231
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,585
What are you
talking about, man?
232
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,717
I came out here with my truck
and my whole crew.
233
00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:49,850
Jesus Christ, what were you
gonna do to him?
234
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:51,634
He's just one guy.
- Hey, man.
235
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:53,854
If you're canceling, I still
need my commencement check.
236
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:56,291
How much is that?
Like $5.00, or something?
237
00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:58,510
No, 2,000!
238
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,034
Listen, you give me my
commencement check now,
239
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:01,383
or I'm gonna kick your ass!
240
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:04,560
Uh, what the hell's
going on out here?
241
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,388
I'm saving your life,
Butt-Head.
242
00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:07,998
Go back inside
while you still can!
243
00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:09,739
Hee hee.
244
00:10:09,826 --> 00:10:12,263
Uh, if you guys are
gonna beat up Beavis,
245
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,657
slap him on his sunburn.
246
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,790
He hates it.
Heh heh.
247
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:18,487
Uh, wait-wait
a minute, what?
248
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:20,489
And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
249
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,578
Hey, no, no. No!
250
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,014
Aaaaaah!
[Butt-Head laughs]
251
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:25,668
No, no, no, wait, wait--
- Do it again.
252
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,888
Aah!
No!
253
00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,933
Aah!
254
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:35,025
No!
- [chuckling]
255
00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:38,159
[ominous music]
256
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,551
[slapping and screaming
continues]
257
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,773
[military marching band music]
258
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,998
Hello.
I'm Tom Anderson,
259
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:53,870
veteran of two foreign wars.
260
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,482
And believe you me,
I've got some stories to tell.
261
00:10:57,569 --> 00:10:59,659
But none of them
are quite like what happened
262
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,182
one particular morning
263
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:04,315
during the Battle
of Heartbreak Ridge.
264
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:07,014
[gunfire, explosions]
265
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,668
[men yelling]
266
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:14,630
See, what you got here is
the wipers are all seized up.
267
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:17,981
If one wiper worked, I'd say
maybe this loosened up on you.
268
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:19,940
You could just
tighten this down.
269
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:23,770
But I'd wager we're dealing
with a mechanical issue here.
270
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:26,120
Sir, we have to
get to the battle.
271
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:29,340
You can win this war quick,
or you can win this war right.
272
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,342
[boom]
273
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:33,301
Now, of course,
I could get this off
274
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:36,521
if the last guy who fixed it
hadn't stripped the threads.
275
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:38,045
[boom]
276
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,611
Oh, boy.
277
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,483
- Sir--
- Uh, now you get
278
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:44,312
200 miles down the road
and it starts raining on you,
279
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,096
you're gonna be thanking me.
280
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:47,794
Bingo!
281
00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:49,796
Now, inside the wiper motor
282
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:52,799
there's what I call
a park switch.
283
00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:55,279
Yep, totally shot.
284
00:11:56,541 --> 00:12:00,502
And I ended up having to
replace the whole wiper motor.
285
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:03,026
But that little tale
will have to wait
286
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:06,595
for another one of
Tom Anderson's War Stories.
287
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:08,019
[military marching band music]
20147
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