Original subtitles

* MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[both chuckling] [metal clanging]

Yeah, yeah. Uh! Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, lockers are loud. Yeah.

[both chuckling] Yeah.

Whoa, Beavis, Check out that guy. [chuckles]

He's, like, sad.

[both chuckling]

Aww. [chuckles]

Tristan, are you okay?

Whatever.

Things are just so...

you know--

I do. [sighs]

- Whoa. - Look at that.

She is going to town on him. [chuckles]

Yeah, take it easy. [chuckles]

What's she doing that for? [chuckles]

Uhh, I think maybe chicks like guys

who have, like, emotions and stuff.

[chuckles] - I have emotions.

Like, when I eat french fries, I have the emotion of, like,

um, these french fries taste really good, you know.

Uhh, I think they have to be, like, sad emotions.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's how they get you.

Always something. [chuckles]

Wait a second, Beavis.

We should, like, start being all sad.

Then chicks will like us and then we'll score.

Yeah, that's a great idea, Butt-Head!

Yes! I think we're finally gonna score--

Ah!

Quit being happy, dumbass. You're gonna ruin it.

Ohh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry about that. Won't happen again. [chuckles]

And this kind of cell division is called mitosis.

Are there any questions?

Butt-Head.

Uhh--

I just wanna say that, like,

what happened to that cell was, like, devadstating and stuff.

And I'm also deverstated, and, um,

I'm feeling emotions that are very sad.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, check it out. - Yeah, me too. [chuckles]

My soul is, like, full of rain and stuff.

Oh, my. Hmm.

It sounds like the two of you

may be struggling with depression.

No, no, no. We're just really sad all the time.

Very sad, yeah. [chuckles]

Uhh-- Hey, baby.

I, like, cry a lot.

You know what I'm saying?

Maybe a hug? [chuckles]

Okay, I'm going to make sure

that you boys get the help you need, mm-kay?

These feelings of "everything sucks,"

how long have you had them?

Uhh, since everything started to suck, I guess.

Yeah, sorry, I couldn't hear you because, um,

I was so busy frowning, you know. [chuckles]

'Cause I'm sad.

Feelings of hopelessness.

Have you been sleeping more or less than usual?

Uhh, I'm usually up all night, like,

wiping away tears [chuckles]

of sadness.

Umm, yeah, yeah. Me too, yeah.

I feel sad all night long.

You know what I'm sayin'? [chuckles]

Boi-oi-oi-oing.

And have you engaged in any forms of self-harm?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I self-harm all the time, you know.

Over in Anderson's shed, you know.

I use hand lotion. [chuckles]

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. It's no big deal.

If I hear him coming, I can usually pull my pants up

before he gets there, you know.

He's kinda slow. [both chuckling]

I need to make a phone call.

You two need more help than I can give.

[phone line trilling]

Whoa. I think she's calling in more chicks.

Eh, she's just not woman enough

to score with both of us, I guess.

[both chuckling]

Sadness kicks ass. [chuckles]

[both chuckling]

Um, Butt-Head,

I thought they were taking us to score with a bunch of chicks

We're, like, in a hospital or something.

They said they're putting us under observation.

We're already getting noticed, Beavis.

Our plan is working.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe they want to observe our schlongs.

[chuckles]

Uhh, whoa. What's that thing?

That's the electroshock therapy machine.

It stimulates the brain with electric pulses.

- Uhh, stimulate? - Yeah.

[both chuckling]

But you don't need to worry about that.

We only use it as a last resort for the most extreme cases.

Yeah, we don't need that.

We're gonna stimulate the natural way.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Now let's get you to your therapy.

Yeah. [both chuckling]

All right, guys, let's give a warm welcome

to our two newcomers, Beavis and Butt-Head.

Did I pronounce those right? - Uhh,

we're, like, sad

and we're ready to score. [chuckles]

You guys all look pretty sad, too,

so, um, when do we start scoring? [chuckles]

Oh, we don't keep score here, guys.

We're here to talk

and to listen and to share.

So let's begin.

Everyone hold hands.

Uhh, what?

Come on.

Uhh--

Hold hands, guys.

It's okay if you two aren't ready to participate.

No, no, we wanna participate. Yeah.

That's the only reason we're even here.

Well, if you wanna participate,

then you have to hold hands.

Close, Butt-Head.

Try the hand.

Really? [chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

Ehh, whatever it takes to score, I guess. [chuckles]

- Okay. [chuckles] - Ehh, all right.

- [groans] - [retches]

Super. The purpose of this exercise

is to show that-- - Uhh, this sucks.

This really sucks, Butt-Head.

Now I really am sad.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Uhh, wait a second.

Remember that machine that guy showed us?

Ohh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the extreme stimulator machine.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Let's go use that thing.

Yeah, I'd rather fake score with a machine

than hold hands with a real dude.

Yeah, really. [both chuckle]

I'm concerned about these two new patients,

Bailey and Beckham.

They seem very depressed.

[both chuckling] - The constant laughter

is clearly covering up a deep pain.

Uhh, well, it's not the kind of scoring

I thought I was gonna get, but it's better than nothing.

[chuckles]

These must go here. [chuckles]

[clicks power button] [machine whirring]

Okay, Beavis, turn that knob thing.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, cool. [chuckles]

[high-pitched squealing]

On three.

Uh, one--

[electricity zapping] Uhh! Ahh! Ahh!

[groaning]

[sighs] [zapping stops]

Uh. - Whoa!

I think you scored. Yeah.

How was it? [chuckles]

It hurt really bad.

And I think my nads caught on fire.

[chuckles] - Cool!

My turn. Yeah. [chuckles]

Scoring and fire. Yeah. Whoa.

I'll just put these in here.

One for you, and one for you. [chuckles]

[electricity zapping]

[screaming]

[wailing]

Are you all right?

- Uhh-- - [coughs]

We're not that sad anymore.

We just need to rest. [chuckles]

Ah, yeah, I was really sad,

but now my schlong hurts, so, you know,

I'm cheering up or something. Yeah. [coughs]

Being sad sucks.

[rock music]

[glass shatters]

[dramatic music]

- Carlos, secrecy-- - Uhh, what is this show?

What are they doing here? [chuckles]

It's that show where people have, like,

a boyfriend or a girlfriend,

but they're afraid to tell anyone.

[chuckles]

I needed help because...

I've had enough of your lies.

Because you told me you were tall and good looking.

Spencer, who said--

And Spencer told me that's not true.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

'Cause he told me you were fat and short

and had a bad beard and were really sweaty.

[chuckles]

Is that true?

Who said that you actually had a vasectomy.

♪ ♪

It was on stage, but I know there's--

Ohh, wait a minute. He had a vasectomy on stage?

[both chuckling]

And then they threw tomatoes at him. [chuckles]

Yeah, it's tough in here, I tell ya.

Who's seen your mother sending you payments for rent.

Let's start with the vasectomy joke.

It's a [bleep] joke.

I made a pun on vasectomies. I thought that was hilarious.

He made a pun on vasectomies?

[chuckles] Uhh, how would you do that?

Yeah, I guess you could say, um,

like, uh, um--

Oh, oh, I know! Maybe it's like,

"Vasecto-me?

More like vasecto-you!" Or--or something.

[chuckles]

He was probably like, "Knock, knock. Who's there?

"Vasecta.

"Vasecta who?

"Uhh, vasecto-big fat guy with sweaty armpits

and a bad beard." [chuckles]

I host sex parties.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

You have sex with other people on stage?

- No, no. - No, no, no,

I'm not that cool. [chuckles]

I can show you.

Basically, we host these parties

where we sell sex toys.

Nipple clamps, dildoes.

He's like, "Okay, okay.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you

I'm the king of discount butt plugs."

[chuckles] - Yeah.

Yeah, gotta make a living somehow.

My comedy sucks. [chuckles]

And I'm unattractive. [chuckles]

My parents know about this.

Here's a video right here.

Uh, I'm confused, Butt-Head.

So he's having sex parties

and selling nipple clamps and butt plugs,

and that's why he doesn't want her

to meet his parents?

[chuckles]

His parents are proud of him. [chuckles]

He comes from a long line of butt plug salesmen.

[chuckles]

Including my great- great-great grandfather,

Alexander Buttploog. [chuckles]

[with accent] He came over from the old country.

[chuckles]

Old Buttploogia. [chuckles]

Bad, bad boy. [crowd laughing]

When he came here, he didn't have a dildo in his pocket.

[chuckles]

Just a butt plug and a dream. [both chuckling]

And it wasn't in his pocket. [chuckles]

She's like, "Can we just address

"the elephant in the room here?

What's up with your sweaty, disgusting armpits?"

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you've been sneaking around selling butt plugs

when you should be, like, sneaking around

selling anti-perspirants or something.

[chuckles]

For four years, you've dodged me

meeting your parents, meeting your friends,

going to half your comedy shows.

'Cause they all know about this stuff.

Okay, okay, but, um,

I still don't completely understand.

So, like, um-- so he's like,

"I don't want you to meet my parents

"until I tell you that I sell butt plugs.

Then it'll be okay." [chuckles]

His parents were probably like,

"So you want us to meet your girlfriend?

Well, how many butt plugs did she buy?"

[both chuckle]

"Wait, none? [chuckles]

"Well, then what's in her butt right now? Nothing?

I don't wanna meet her. Forget it. No."

Gonna have to figure out a way to talk about this.

But I can't imagine losing you.

[both chuckle]

- What? - Yeah. I sure can.

And I'm hopeful for you both.

Will you make me the luckiest man in the world

and take my discount butt plug?

[chuckles]

[chuckles] You are one of us now.

We're not losing a son,

you're gaining a butt plug.

[chuckles]

It belonged to Carlos' grandmother

until about ten minutes ago.

[chuckles] But we want you to have it.

[both chuckling]

Yeah, yeah, you might wanna wash it first.

And don't worry, that dog won't poop in the house.

[chuckles] - Yeah, we've seen to that.