Original subtitles

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[both chuckling]

Uh, hey, baby.

Want to come with us to Burger World?

Maybe buy us some burgers

and maybe a little something on the side?

Get lost, creeps.

She didn't slap us like usual, Butt-Head.

I think she's starting to come around.

Whoa, some dumbass is getting his car towed.

[both laugh]

Dumbass.

Um...

wait a second, that's our car.

Uh, what's the problem, officer?

Your car's impounded.

You have over $500 in unpaid parking tickets.

In our defense, officer, parking sucks.

People like you shouldn't be on the road

if you can't follow the rules.

Your licenses are suspended until you pay the fines.

Uh...

Okay, Beavis, we need to find where they give you

your license back.

Uh, that line sucks.

Yeah, that's gonna take forever.

There's no line at that one.

Yeah, let's go there.

Uh, we need a license.

Well, congratulations.

And how's your day going so far?

Uh, today sucks.

Yeah, we just wanted to go to Burger World,

but then our neighbor yelled at us and called us creeps.

And then this cop was like,

"You and your kind need to get off the streets."

Oh, you poor, sweet, beautiful men.

How can people be so cruel?

I know.

We're just, like, two guys trying to live our lives.

Yeah, but sometimes, it just feels like

the whole world is against us.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, I just know there's gonna be a lot

of broken hearts when a couple of hot bachelors

like you go off the market.

Uh...

did you just call us hot bachelors?

Yes, sir, I did, and you are, but not for long.

How does getting married sound?

Whoa, uh, you want to marry us?

Yes, I do, if you're ready.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

I need to talk to Beavis for a second.

Um, what's going on?

Don't you see what's happening here, Beavis?

She wants a three-way with us.

- Whoa, really? - Yeah.

But she's, like, old-fashioned,

so we have to get married to her first.

Is that legal for her to have, like, two husbands?

Who cares, Beavis?

By the time they arrest us, we'll have already scored.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'd go to jail for that, yeah.

[chuckles] Bo-oi-oi-oing.

We're ready to get married.

This is the happiest day of my life.

Hello, and welcome to my apartment.

"Hello, well, thank you for letting me in!

Ah, ah, ah!"

[chuckling]

"Oh, you want me to take my shoes off?

Ooh!"

"Where do you keep the beer? Hm, hah!"

"This is so fun, oh."

"Oh, sorry I'm late. I was held up in traffic, ah!"

Two roommates in Lower Manhattan,

here in beautiful New York City.

And I've lived here for now a year and a half.

You know what? [chuckles]

I think our apartment's cooler than this.

Yeah, I bet their previous owner didn't kill himself in it

like ours did.

Sliver of window, so it's kind of like a cave in here.

We have a storage closet.

She says everything like it's a question.

"This is my apartment? And it sucks?

And this tour sucks too?"

The process of doing a baby makeover.

"It does suck, but I'm gonna keep talking about it anyway?"

[chuckles]

We should, like, do a tour of our apartment.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

"Now, this is a couch,

and over there are some pizza boxes?"

"And over on the door, these are eviction notices?"

"We got them from our landlord?

He sucks?"

"Here's a conversation piece,

a half-eaten bag of potato chips?"

"On the floor are some beer bottles?"

"You can tell we really love beer?"

"And over here is a rat in a glue trap?"

"And right behind that is a turd?"

"The turd is from the rat

"before he died slowly?

"And over there, that's Beavis? He's a dumbass?

I found him when I was banging his mom?"

Shut up, Butt-Head!

"And if you look above my head,

"there's a picture of some guy fishing?

That's Beavis' uncle?"

No, it isn't.

It looks kind of like him,

but I stole it from a Long John Silver's.

Uh, why?

Because the French fries were too hot,

and it pissed me off.

And they still wouldn't give me my money back

because I ate 'em all,

so I just, like, took that picture instead.

Uh, I hate it.

Yeah, I hate it too, yeah.

"Anyway, back to the tour?

Sometimes, you can hear voices through this wall?"

"Sometimes, the voices tell me to cleanse the city?"

Those voices aren't through the wall, Beavis.

Those are, like, inside your head already.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sorry.

"That's not part of the apartment tour?"

All right, I hope you enjoyed

my little apartment tour here in New York.

She's like, "Well, goodbye. Thanks for coming over, ooh!"

"Yeah, yeah, now get out of my apartment please!"

[chortles]

By the power vested in me by the great state of Texas,

I now pronounce you husband and husband.

Bo-oi-oi-oing.

Ooh, that's the spirit. [laughs]

Well, I guess we're all married now.

Wanna, like, come back to our apartment to celebrate?

[chuckles]

Oh, that's awfully sweet, boys,

but I still have to work.

Okay. We'll just see you later then.

Okay, sounds good, see ya.

- We're gonna score. - Yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

You know, I always thought being married

was gonna be weird, but it's not bad.

[chuckles]

You know, Beavis, we should have gotten married years ago.

Wait, you guys are married?

Yep, it just happened, like, all of a sudden.

Yeah, we were down at the courthouse,

you know, and one thing led to another.

Oh.

I think I misjudged you guys.

Creeps!

Pervert! - Ah!

- Losers! - Ah!

I am so sorry.

Congratulations!

Is there some way I can make it up to you?

You guys have a seat. This one's on me.

We're gonna be doing it later today.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right. - Good for you.

Doing the deed.

Yeah.

This is cool. She's being really nice to us.

Yeah, it's like they say,

being married is a chick magnet.

In fact, she might want to even get in our three-way.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe she'll marry us too.

And then we can have, like, a, uh, five-way!

Yeah. [both chuckle]

- That would be cool. - Yeah, yeah.

I get dibs on the neighbor chick first.

No way, butthole.

I get to choose. It was my idea.

See, you're always like this!

You always have to get your way!

Dammit, Beavis, don't embarrass me

at the Burger World.

I didn't get married so you could just order me around!

I got married so the two of us could have a three-way

with the lady from the county!

And so did I.

But that seems like a long time ago now.

I've had enough of your crap, butthole!

We never should have gotten married in the first place,

dumbass.

What happened to Beavis?

Forget about him, baby. Let's talk about me and you.

We can go back to your place

and make beautiful l--

You creep!

She left her food. [chuckles]

Where's that chick who married us?

Yeah, she never showed up at our place,

and we need to get back on the market,

so we need one of those divorce things.

Oh, you mean Janice?

She's having lunch with her husband.

Husband?

How many guys is she married to?

Uh, I guess we were gonna have a seven-way or something.

Anyway, we don't do divorces here.

You're gonna need a lawyer, and there's a $500 filing fee.

500 bucks?

I'd rather spend that money getting the car back.

Uh, that's a good idea.

And we can just, like, pretend we never got married.

Yeah, cool. [chuckles]

What happened to the seat?

It's an impound lot. Stuff happens.

If you don't want the car-- - No, no, it's fine.

Ugh, this is hurting my butt.

I'm gonna have to sit up there next to you.

Come on, scoot over, Butt-Head.

You scoot over.

You're sitting too close.

Dammit, Beavis, cut it out.

There we go. That's better.

Feels good to have things back to normal again.

Can you hear me?

Hey!

[cans rattling]

Hey, Butt-Head, look.

Look at those hot chicks.

Aww, look at those two old guys who just got married.

Oh, look how much they love each other.

You see that, Beavis?

They can tell we're back on the market.

Yeah, turn around, Butt-Head.

It's too soon to get tied down again, Beavis.

We're good just the way we are.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Chirp.