Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

[rock music]

♪ ♪

George Washington and the Founding Fathers

were farmers, mm-kay?

And the main crop they grew was tobacco.

Whoa. You can grow cigarettes?

Well, no, but you can grow tobacco, mm-kay?

You can grow tobacco.

Yes, tobacco is a plant.

It grows from seeds like any other plant.

Whoa, cigarette seeds. That's cool.

[sighs] Guys, it's April.

We're supposed to be up to the Vietnam War.

Now, as I was saying,

tobacco was America's first cash crop.

Yeah, yeah, get cash and money.

Beavis, we've heard enough.

Let's grow tobacco and get cash money

like that dumbass George Washington.

[chuckles]

So, um, Butt-Head? How do we grow tobacco?

Uh...

whoa, check it out.

Whoa, is that a cigarette seed?

It sure is, Beavis.

We finally learned something from that hippie.

[chuckles]

Um, I don't think it's growing, Butt-Head.

That's because it's not on a farm, butthole.

It needs, like, dirt and, like, barns and stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And, like, a pitchfork or something, or some hay maybe.

Whoa, check it out, Beavis. More seeds.

[both chuckling]

It's good to see two young people

cleaning up all the litter around here.

There's a receptacle right over there, boys.

Whoa, cool.

We're gonna be rich.

I can't believe these dumbasses

just left these around and didn't know they were seeds.

They really suck at farming.

Beavis, everybody sucks at everything.

[chuckles]

♪ It'll be a Wednesday ♪

♪ And I'll be going in this coffee shop ♪

♪ Hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name ♪

♪ And I look up from my phone and think there's no chance ♪

♪ It's you, but it is ♪

- Uh... - Eh?

♪ How's your family, how's your sister? ♪

♪ I'll say, Shannon's being Shannon ♪

♪ After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say ♪

Does she know that the video's started yet?

She can't decide if she's, like, talking, or singing,

or rapping, or just not really trying very hard.

♪ We've been swimming on edge of a cliff ♪

Wait a second.

Swimming on the edge of a cliff?

I don't understand that. I don't get that at all.

Maybe it's like, uhh,

there's, like, a waterfall or something?

[chuckles]

No, no, that would be a waterfall.

It's not a cliff.

No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense.

Swimming on the edge of a cliff, I don't get it.

Uh, okay, Beavis.

It's dumb. Do you get that?

♪ We've been swimming ♪

Well, maybe there's, like, a baby pool,

but you can't swim in a baby pool.

Yeah, I don't understand it.

Dammit, Beavis, who cares?

It's just stupid.

If there was pool on the edge of a cliff--

just think about it for like a couple minutes.

If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff--

Uh, anyway, Beavis--

So where's the edge of the pool?

Is that the cliff? - Dammit, Beavis, shut up.

Wait a minute.

Maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice

because--you know, 'cause then that's part of the--

no, no, that isn't it.

♪ You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to ♪

She'd be a cool girlfriend

'cause you could, like, come home and just say,

"Well, how was your day?"

And then she'd be like, "Bleh, bleh, bleh.

It was a Wednesday, and--"

I'm sorry to keep harping on this,

but I'm thinking about the cliff again,

and maybe if you took an aboveground pool,

one of those infinite pools or something, but--

Dammit, Beavis, if you say one more thing

about the cliff, I'm gonna smack

the living crap out of you.

Hang on, hang on.

Let me just circle back to the cliff for a second.

Okay, hear me out.

My grandmother's favorite actor is Montgomery Clift.

Now, if he had a pool at his house--

Ahh!

[grunts] - Hurry up, Beavis.

We gotta, like, find some dirt, so we can go farm

like that George Washington butthole.

You know, I wonder if George Washington ever scored.

Of course he scored, dumbass.

He's rich, and he's got his own cigarette trees.

You should think before you open your mouth

once in a while.

[chuckles]

Dammit, stop eating the seeds.

Sorry, it's like, I ate one, and now it's like,

I just can't stop, you know?

It's like I'm addicted to seeds,

you know what I'm saying?

[chuckling] - Whoa.

Check it out, Beavis, a farm.

Um, Butt-Head, how are we supposed to plant our tobacco?

There's, like, already all these plants here.

Uh...

I think they're just like weeds or something.

People have really let this place go to crap, you know.

It's a disgrace.

Well, let's dig this crap up.

Damn weeds.

What the hell is this thing?

[both grunting]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[sighs] Farming is hard work.

[grunts]

Feels good though, you know? Back to the soil.

[grunts] That ought to do it.

Now let's plant our tobacco.

[grunts] - [chuckles]

There we go, all done.

So, um...

when will they be ready?

Patience, Beavis.

The cigarette tree takes many seasons to grow.

Uh, how many of those did you eat?

I don't know. Probably like 80.

Dammit, Beavis, each one of those was gonna be

a whole cigarette tree.

You ate like 80 trees.

Sorry, sorry.

Just one more to help me relax.

I'll stop tomorrow.

Dammit, Beavis, now we gotta go find more seeds,

or we're not gonna get rich enough.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, good idea.

I'm, like, craving finding more seeds.

You know what I mean?

[gasps]

- Oh, no. - Oh, my God.

I don't understand who would do something like this.

The important thing is,

we worked together and cleaned it up.

Butt-Head, the weeds grew back.

That sucks.

Well, let's get to work.

[grunting]

No one said it'd be easy.

What the hell?

What are you doing in our garden?

Uh...

we're farming, dumbass.

What does it look like?

Yeah, yeah, we're trying to get rid of these weeds,

unlike some lazy people.

What's your problem?

Wait a second. I know these boys.

They couldn't have been the ones who ruined our garden.

They're good boys, and they pick up litter.

Uh, what?

No, no, we're trying to be like George Washington.

George Washington?

I guess they know the importance of being honest.

Yeah, George Washington scored.

They were just trying to help clean up,

and we jumped to conclusions.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm sorry, boys.

If you two ever want to help us garden,

you're always welcome.

Um, okay.

Well, Beavis, let's get to farming.

We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us.

- That's right. - Yes.

Sir, could I use your shovel for a minute?

For a fellow gardener? Of course.

Hey, stop that!

We're just trying to do an honest day's work,

you lazy buttholes.

Yeah, work. You ever heard of it?

Lend a hand or get out of the way.

- Let's get 'em! - Hey, hey, hey!

[groans]

- Ow! - Don't make me kick your--

[grunts and yells]

Tobacco sucks.

That old lady kicked my ass so hard,

the doctor said I have a tumor on my tongue.

And it increased my risk of heart disease.

Yeah.

And also, like, a low fetal birth weight or something.

I don't know.

Well, we certainly learned a lesson today.

Yep, we sure did.

The reason George Washington is dead is some old ladies

kicked his ass and gave him cancer.

[chuckles]

And that's why we're the greatest country on Earth.

[rock music]