Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Welcome, fellow human beings, to my meditation class, mm-kay,

whether you're a meditation expert

or just here as a school-mandated

alternative to detention.

This sucks.

Yeah, really.

Can we just go to detention?

Now, everyone, concentrate on your mantra, mm-kay?

Om.

students: Om.

Uh.

Um.

Very good, Beavis and Butt-Head, very good.

Now, try to empty your minds of all thought.

- Uh. - Uh, what?

It sounds easy, but some say only the Buddha himself

was able to completely empty his mind

and achieve enlightenment.

Now, let's begin while I set the mood

with these Tibetan singing bowls I bought

at Cost Plus World Market.

[bowl ringing]

Okay, clear your mind.

Clear your mind.

Don't think.

Wait, where did I park?

Uh.

Huh. Hmm.

Adam just doesn't get me.

No thoughts.

Wait, that is a thought.

[ringing continues]

[ethereal music]

Huh?

Uh, whoa.

I think we, like, left our bodies or something.

Oh. Cool.

My body sucked.

Yeah, mine too.

It never scored. [chuckles]

Um, where are we going? [chuckles]

Uh, I don't care.

Lil Nas X, I sentence you to five years

in Montero State Prison.

[gavel bangs]

[dramatic music]

Daytrip took it to ten.

♪ Baby back, ay ♪

♪ Couple racks, ay ♪ [Beavis] Whoa.

You think he smuggled those Grammys in

inside his butt? [snickers]

Uh, yeah.

That's why he's cleaning 'em off.

Everything in prison comes in through your butt.

See that guy right there?

He's about to pull a Little League trophy

out of his butt. [chuckles]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, nowadays everyone gets a trophy, you know?

[snickers]

Yeah.

Good for your self-esteem.

Bad for your butt. [chuckles]

[both laugh]

♪ I told you long ago ♪

[Beavis] Whoa, do those guys have schlongs?

Uh, I think so.

They're just using, like, special effects

to "pixtelate" them out.

[chuckles]

Oh, that was nice of them, yeah.

[chuckles]

Whoa.

Boy, I wouldn't want to be, like, grinding around

on the floor like that, you know, 'cause...

you know how people always pee and poop

in the shower, you know?

Uh... no.

I mean, like, I pee in the shower,

but I don't poop.

What, you don't?

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Butt-Head.

Everyone does it, you know?

Just like, you poop in the shower,

and then you mash it down with your foot

into that drain thing,

and then you go wash your foot off

in the toilet, you know.

Uh, no, I don't know, Beavis.

Boy, you're weird, Butt-Head.

I think everybody does that. I don't know.

I mean, that's what I do.

[chuckles]

Uh, Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.

Now, let's go back to watching these naked dudes dance.

[laughs]

Is he, like, working at T-Mobile now?

Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile

when you're in prison.

Oh. Oh, that sucks.

I thought you just get to, like,

sit around and watch TV all the time.

You have to work at T-Mobile?

That's, like, inhumane or something.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

This video is, like, really groundbreaking

'cause, like, Jack Harlow's not in it.

[laughs]

Uh.

Oh, never mind.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There he is.

[groans]

Someone should do something about Jack Harlow

being in every video.

Uh. Oh.

I guess they did. [laughs]

Yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

[ethereal music]

♪ ♪

Uh, where are we?

I think it's, like, Arizona or something.

Greetings, travelers.

And welcome to enlightenment.

I am the Buddha.

Uh, okay.

Let me introduce you to the others who are here.

Ganesh.

So few humans make it here.

Welcome.

Jesus.

Bless you, my children.

Zeus.

Kudos.

And, uh, Bill Gates.

Hi.

I've been meditating for five years.

He also donated a lot of money

to some Buddhist nonprofits.

This place is neat, huh?

A lot of money.

So now you are here at the end of your lifelong journey.

Enlightenment,

the place of serenity, true wisdom,

and freedom from desire.

So we have to be here instead of detention?

Yeah, that sucks. [chuckles]

Is there anything cool here at all?

Would you like to hear the meaning of life?

Uh, no.

Yeah. Sounds boring. Yeah.

But it's the meaning of life.

You do realize that's the reason people come here,

to learn the meaning of life.

[laughter]

That cloud looks like a butt.

Yeah, it's a butt! In the sky!

[laughter]

It's a butt.

[laughter]

Yeah.

What are we going to do about them?

Do not worry.

None may remain here in the state of enlightenment

unless they can keep their serenity and focus.

Well, so when they lose their serenity and focus--

They must leave, never to return.

[laughter]

[bowl ringing]

[laughter]

Hey.

Um, in Arizona, do you have, like, food?

Food does not exist here.

Here we are free from all desire.

Uh, that sucks.

Yeah, really.

Yes.

It's enough to make you lose your serenity and focus,

is it not?

Although technically, you can manifest

anything you want here with the power of your will, so...

Uh.

[shimmering tone]

[laughter]

Cool. - Yeah, these are fantastic.

Those bowls were given to me by the first Dalai Lama

in the year 1392.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Mr. Van Driessen has the same ones.

His are from Cost Plus World Market.

Yup.

Same ones. Yep.

[bowl crashes]

Whoops.

Someone should clean that up.

Yeah, really.

Hey, naked guy, can you go ahead and clean this up?

You're already wearing a towel.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can just use that.

Yeah. [bowl crashes]

Yeah, wipe that up, too, while you're at it.

Come on, let's go, come on.

Why, you disrespectful little--

Zeus, concentrate on your breathing.

Don't tell me what to do!

Whoa, take it easy.

Keep your towel on.

Yeah, really.

No one wants to see your wiener.

I should shove a thunderbolt up your ass!

[screams]

Everybody, please, remember your serenity and focus.

Don't make the mistake Zeus just made.

Hey, Beavis,

let's think of a monster truck.

Yeah, yeah, and tear ass all over the place, yeah.

You're goddamn right.

That is enough outta you punks!

You hold them, and I'll hit them.

[Beavis and Butt-Head grunting]

Damn, this feels great!

Whoo!

[both scream]

That was cool. [laughs]

My children, we must work through this

in an enlightened manner.

Um, you've got some nacho cheese

on your dress there, sir.

This is what you call nacho cheese?

[sniffs]

It smells like a beautiful flower.

This is delicious.

I must get me some nachos.

[screams]

Uh, where'd he go?

[laughs] - Yeah.

So I guess it's just you and me

for the rest of eternity, huh?

That'll give us plenty of time to talk

about the future of computing.

[groans] Damn it.

This guy is pissing me off.

Yeah, me too, yeah.

Yeah, let's kick his--

[both scream]

[both scream]

Whoa! What happened?

Uh, I think we, like, escaped enlightenment or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, good, yeah, 'cause that place sucked, yeah.

It was, like, in Arizona.

Yeah.

Boys, if you keep talking,

you'll never advance in meditation, mm-kay?

- Cool. - Yeah.

[both laughing]

[rock music]