Original subtitles

Scotch tape ! Great, guys!

Did you expect such a thing? Beautiful, gorgeous !

My dressing room is not like theirs ...

..but they are big American stars! It does not matter !

Working with these people ... PHONE RING

Yes, Hollywood ? l do do do do ? Mister Banfi, yes.

How ? Bo Derek and Marlon Brando are no longer coming. Because ?

Bo Derek went with Tarzan to the jungle. And Marlon Brando?

He's gotten so fat that he doesn't fit in the Jumbo Jet anymore!

Isn't that cute! Tell Mister Brando, madame!

He had signed a contract, Mr. Salce is very angry.

Then he with Mr. Salce, in Italy, no longer works!

How did Brando say? Thanks ... Okay.

Travolta? It is not known if he is coming?

How do you mean ? No, I cry because ...

Does he come or does he not come? I don't give a damn, I didn't even want it!

Yes, tell him '' papal papal '' to this Mr. Travolta ...

..that I don't like. He must be sickly and half crazy!

Every Saturday night he gets drunk and then he gets a fever! Forget it.

Do you know what we Italians say to these stars who don't want to come here?

'' Go to die killed '', go to die killed!

I let it out! Wow ! You don't do these things.

We spent 87 million on those Hollywood dressing rooms ...

.. and they locked me up in this crappy thing that looks like a toilet!

That looks ... that is! It's a toilet!

Do you think he is honest? Luckily there is Luciano Salce!

He is an exquisite person, I gladly work with him ...

A symbiosis has been created between me and Luciano which is the end of the world!

Then you will see. He understood my origin, my culture ...

.. my intelligence! > Come on, you idiot!

Song: `` When the Eternal Father made the world ... ''

'' ... he drew it square but it came round. ''

'' Then the man got the model wrong. ''

'' The first came straight but the other a bit stupid. ''

'' If you are an idiot, only you know it. ''

'' When someone is stupid, Peru is too. ''

'' The Eternal Father, a little sweaty ... ''

'' ... he took off a boot and made our state. ''

'' There were 800 citizens: 600 deputies and 200 idiots! ''

'' The master tells the farmer: Come on, you idiot! ''

'' The worker answers his master ... ''

'' ..Come on, cool guy! ''

'' Yes, that's right. Yes, Ja, Oui. ''

'' Yes, that's right. Yes, Oui. ''

-225. - Finally ! -Carlucci Carmine.

How much time ! My days never passed!

- Where have you been ? - 152.

-Until we meet again. -Go. - My beautiful!

- This is the last. How many got out? - 167.

- To me it turns out 166. - And who is missing?

- ll 151. - 151 ... And who is it? - Pasquale Baudaffi.

Baudaffi Pasquale!

- Pasquale Baudaffi! - Sixth arm, absent!

- Pasquale Baudaffi! -Fourth arm, absent!

- Pasquale Baudaffi! - Fifth arm, absent!

Baudaffi Pasquale!

Move the cot.

What are you doing ? Flour, you have reduced this prison to a sieve!

-This time I almost made it! - Let's take him away.

Come on, here it is.

- Pasquale Baudaffi! - Here I'm.

- Get in, come out. - Here I am.

- Look, I have nothing to do with it. -Yes, they all say so!

I have nothing to do with the hole, it is narrower.

I meant...

Pasquale !

- Superior ! Superior ! - Pasquale!

I understand that you are attached to this place, but there is not only prison!

- Come on, let's get out of here! -They locked my foot inside the door!

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

'' Graduated, good looking ... ''

Everyone says: '' Graduated, good looking, thirty years old ... ''

-Do you hope to find a job in the newspaper? - I'm trying.

Yes, as you did in court! The prosecutor ...

.. he asked for your acquittal for inability to understand and want!

This is why I told him: '' My inability to understand and want ... ''

'' ... instead she and her family have it! ''

- And you got two years! - Thank you.

There were those who had done something else!

- Which is ? - How disgusting !

- Do, do. - Thank you. I was hungry!

- I'll tell you how the dynamics of the facts were. - Yup.

At one point, I was passing ...

..in front of the agricultural bank of the rural cashier of filotranvieri.

The result is a gentleman who is very hasty and cold.

- Cold? - Yes, he was wrapped up.

One who leaves a bank in a hurry in July ...

..with a balaclava on your head, do you call it '' cold ''?

I thought he was sick! What do I know?

I go to meet him to give him back the briefcase he had lost ...

..when two tram drivers arrive from behind and block me.

- It was two cops. -Yes, but they had the face of a tram driver.

Now they are dressing up, they wanted to steal his briefcase.

And I: '' No sir. I saw that gentleman lost the briefcase. ''

In short, a struggle has arisen. I hit one here with karate.

To the `` nut of the capocollo '', vertebrae and backbone.

I gave the other a knee in the lower belly. I laid them both out.

Immediately afterwards, three other tram drivers arrived ...

..that they took me and took me to the police station.

-They took you by the pole! -How you do it...

..to mistake me for a pole, I am wider than long!

But I '' reported '' the prosecutor.

- Where you go ? For roofs? - Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

- Help me ? -Yup. - Give me 100,000 lire.

- How ? - Give me 100,000. - You're crazy ? What do you have to do with it?

I have to do something. I kept thinking about it while I was in jail.

I had even made a knot in my scarf!

- What is it about ? - I'm ashamed to tell you.

- Tell me or I won't give you the money. - You have them ? -Yes, there they are.

Now I tell you.

- 24? - 24 months I wait.

- One, two, I don't know. - A rendezvous house? - Yup.

- Can't you postpone it? - I just thought about it!

- When do you make me money? - Will you give me this money, Gaetano?

That's not 10 billion! I return them to you. Goodbye and thanks.

-Hello. -Hello.

Excuse me, have you seen 100,000 lire?

- Did you want me, doctor? - When are the people from the sign coming?

- They said tomorrow. - Call them back and tell them to hurry.

- I wouldn't want any misunderstandings to arise. -That is fine.

Put on your smock. When customers come in here ...

... they must immediately realize that they are in a dental office ...

..and not in the dating house that was there before! -That is fine.

Listen to me. No hot, cold and no food.

Can I at least spit?

Please get that lusty doorbell removed!

-That is fine. - And away with these erotic prints.

-Away these statues. All away, I don't want to see anything anymore. -That is fine.

Until we meet again. Remember: Wednesday afternoon.

Please take a seat.

- Good morning. -Hello.

- Do you have an appointment? - No, but I think it's the same.

- Does it hurt? - No. - Is it swollen?

- Just enough! - Are you already being treated by us?

-No now, but I was. - What is his name ?

Do you want to know the name now? That's right, you never know!

- Baudaffi Pasquale. - Invoice or tax receipt?

Even the invoices! How much is the fare?

For the fillings?

-How ? - The fillings?

You are brilliant! Rightly, you made them all up!

-Yes, for the fillings. - More or less 20,000.

- More or less ? -20,000. - Precise.

Then...

-5 fillings. - 5? -Yes, it's been two years since ...

Sign 5 fillings. Do you prefer the owner or her husband?

I did not understand this.

Do you prefer the owner or her husband for fillings?

Here is a mixed game.

There are those who come for one thing and who ... No, I want the owner.

If I wanted that other kind of fillings, in two years ...

There it is also free! They couldn't wait!

- Damn misery! - Okay, take a seat. - Yup.

Beautiful ! How I like it !

A beautiful atmosphere that creates the right situation!

A certain elegance predisposes the customer well.

I am very well crafted!

In fact, miss, let's do a good thing.

Since the owner I think has something to do there ...

..can we do the two of us? Wants ?

What does he say ? I'm still not up to it.

- She's up to it! - The owner would never allow!

- She's a little jealous. - He only makes me assist in exceptional cases.

- Are you an exceptional case? -So they say around!

- It's up to you to say it. -That is fine. Then let me see it!

- How ? - Are you surprised?

ln 5 years of experience, if you knew how many I have seen!

Long, short, square, pointed, sickle, hammer ...

Afalce and hammer! Berlinguer type!

- Even pincer and funnel! - I have to tell this!

-A funnel must be one thing ... -Open and show me!

Well, at this point ...

Excuse me.

Pig !

> CONSTANT MUGOLlO

-Ahhh! - Will you please take your hand away?

- Excuse me, but it pulls me! - And put your hand on my leg?

-You don't pull? -What does it mean ? Everyone knows his business!

When he pulls me, I no longer think, I no longer understand anything!

If you only knew what a night I let that poor woman of my wife go through!

All night awake!

Then I moved on to my mother-in-law, who sacrificed herself for her daughter.

I kept her awake until 6. Then, given her age, she collapsed.

- Poor thing! - And I switched to the waitress. - Mashed potato !

- Yes. - You know no shame! - I couldn't help it.

- I went to the gardens. -Also !

- There, finally ... - You feel like it! - I let it out.

You have to believe me, I've done all the colors!

- She has a good stamina, her! - The cold ...

- Rightly ... - I had to go back. - By force !

I met the concierge who is a kind and understanding person.

He took me to his house and with the warmth of the guardhouse ...

..and a few good words, I found a few moments of relief!

Now I understand everything.

- He came for the owner's husband. - He does everything to me.

- But if she is there ... - To experience a different emotion!

Humorous ! We are very good friends ...

.. indeed, we are even relatives.

It seems that an uncle of my wife is also uncle of him.

Let's say it's a family ride!

-Yup. - Did your wife work here?

- No, not here. ln another study. -Similar. -Yup.

It was my wife who accompanied me here this morning.

His wife ? Does it take you right here?

I couldn't drive, it was pulling me!

You know, by now ... A lot!

We are very good friends, I use him very often.

-I took my son there too. - Son ?

- He's 8 years old. He needed it. - It's family crap!

- An 8-year-old boy! - Poor thing! He was doing badly!

They did him a good job. They applied a machine to him.

- A machine? -He had a weak arch.

To understand her, he had no push.

- I understand. - He's like me.

They are hereditary things. When you don't push, it's useless!

- We must provide in time. -Otherwise, there is no push ...

..then gardens, things ... GEME What happens?

It looks like a beast!

Does he pull them? Why does he look me in the face every time he throws them?

Because it is unbearable!

It's like a fire that burns inside!

- You have to believe me ... - Stand still or I'll give you the statue on your forehead!

You must believe me.

Sometimes I want to tear it off with my hands!

-Really ! - Yes, yes !

A tear, a last flash of pain, and then peace!

Perhaps in his case it is better. So what is it for?

- The doorman, things ... It's better. - Because ? Do you disagree?

As for me, everything is fine.

You talk like that because yours is not as small as mine.

If he saw! It's all red ...

- Do you want to see him? -That ? Do we want to finish with this story?

'' Do you want to see him, do you want to touch him? '' He touches my knee! Enough !

-I understand that makes sense to her ... -It sucks me!

And then with a guy like her ... She's all weird!

- The son, the grandfather, the mother-in-law ... - I realize that ...

I am convinced that if she touched me, I would lose my mind!

I understood it from the start! Forget it and stay in its place!

A little education! Be calm!

- Do you pull them? - Mind your own business!

We are here for two different parishes, from what I understand!

-Each one in his place. -Come here, what are you doing standing there?

-I sit here. - Why are you doing this? Come on, let's have a chat!

The only thing that comforts me ...

..is the idea that soon I'll be in that beautiful armchair ...

- Do you do everything in the armchair? - Not her ?

The way I am, even I land! Two years of suffering!

- I see. - However, since the arch and thrust are fine for me ...

..I thought it was better on the bed. - It's an adjustable chair ...

And then there is that angel!

- The owner? - ln confidence, I prefer the husband ...

- This was understood! -Anyway, she too ... - She gets by!

- Good. - Is she good? - Don't say these vulgarities.

- it? - What do you want me to care if she's hot?

I'm only interested in that woman's hands!

- And all the rest ? - No, your hands!

Those beautiful tapered, translucent, transparent, marble hands!

ll Giambologna !

What do you do with these hands from Bologna?

Give me a sprinkle, because I have a cave!

It's all rotten! Do you want to see it?

- Shall we start again? - I understand. - You are exaggerating!

- Let's finish it! - No ... - I already told you what parish I am from!

I understand that she sucks, get this thing right!

After that ... zac zac!

- Stop ? - Enough.

After all this preparation, '' the tapered hands, Gianburrasca '' ...

.. and then: '' zac zac '', like rabbits? - That's the injection!

- How ? - The injection to not hear!

- There ? - And where ? - Not to hear?

- Why, do you want to hear? - So what did I come here for?

She doesn't know what she is getting into, she is a masochist!

For charity ! Ahh! I understand...

... his is devitalized. - No, it's vitalized and how!

- So he wants to save it, keep it. - Why doesn't she want to?

Forget it ! I've been trying in every way for three years!

- Nothing ! - By force ! -At this point, go!

> Ahhh !

-Tore up ! - Tear ... - Listen to me, have it taken off.

-Still ! - Tanto tear it off anyway! It does it to everyone!

If you have him torn off, who has devitalized him and in the shape of a cave ...

.. full of pus, rotten and sucks! Her and that whore of his wife!

- My wife ? Look, you ... - Don't move with your hands!

His wife beats in Bologna, while she goes with the goalkeepers ...

..and goes to the gardens with Gianburrasca! - I am an engineer !

It's a lousy family! Bring that 8-year-old creature here too ...

-It's your turn. - No thanks. I'm fine like that.

I wait for me to fall into old age! You tear it from him! Much !

(With a strong Apulian accent) Get off, guys. We are in Rome.

You give me your hand, Raffaele.

What are you doing, you idiot? Give me a hand with the group!

Bitonto in the column on the right!

Raffaele. Raffaele!

Get behind Mary's daughters. Without touching!

- They are the ones who touch me! -Go ! - Immediately !

- Do we want to sing, children? - (together) Yes!

Pasquale !

TALK IN BED

- I have not understood. - Pasquale, Riccardo's son.

TALK IN BED

Do you remember me ?

I became a priest and you?

You have remained as it is, you have not changed. You are round!

And the hair ?

Always the same ! We used to play football, you and me!

TALK IN BED

Ah, now I remember!

- Don Peppino? - Don Peppino! - Unfortunate!

I did not recognize you. TALK IN BED

THEY SPEAK ON THE BED VERY NARROW

I am really pleased! Damn the misery!

- Father, we are waiting for you! - Are you on the pilgrimage?

Yes. Raffaele calls me, I have to join the group.

- Hello. - Hi, lots of things.

-Congratulations. - Thank you. - Take care.

Keep calm. I found a childhood friend.

Cursed Terrone! Who the fuck knows him!

PHONE RING Hello? Placement.

It's you ? Tell me. Where are you ?

Have you finished yet?

I got you a job.

A permanent position as a municipal gamekeeper.

You have to buy an ornithology book.

No, about ornithology, a book about birds.

Don't be vulgar! Do not worry, I will take care of it.

Tomorrow morning you have to go to the municipality to take the exam.

All right bye.

Good morning.

I preferred to mix hunting and fishing!

I didn't know ... Normal hunting, small hunting, big game ...

..hunt the elephant. Did you see the eagle? ''We will win !''

- Don't be funny and sit down! -Yup.

-My cousin Gaetano sent me. -Who ? -Gaetano.

- I don't know any Gaetano. - Aren't you Signora Branzoletti?

No, I am replacing Signora Branzoletti.

- Well, it's all the same ... -I hate the recommended ones!

-That is fine. -According to the new legal provisions ...

..to become a gamekeeper he must take an ornithology quiz.

I need to assess your knowledge of the wildlife to be saved.

Yeah, well, stuff ...

Has 10 seconds wasting me on which species, subspecies and family ...

..it belongs to this specimen and what is its name.

- Stand still with your hands! Answer. - I only see the bird's ass!

- Tail. - Near the queue is ... - I want to help you.

- This is a permanent one. - It's permanent. This is important.

'' Resident '' means that it is a bird that entering the room ...

No. He goes into the hallway from the kitchen ... He's a pet bird.

- Hurry up. - Can't you show me the beak? - No.

- La la. - No. - In our country we see all the birds.

- The eyes, the beak, the tail ... - Tell me what it's called!

The priest's bird. 'Uccellus Pretorum'. In a joking sense.

It is a bird of the subspecies of the '' spidocchiamentus maialorum ''.

-The pigs shit when ... - He's wrong. - Yup.

It is a '' canaris argenteus italicus telorentis ''.

De Laurentiis, Dinus. Of the migratory family!

They go to America, then to London and then to Italy ...

- No. Madam, please ... - Miss, please!

I have family, help me. He asks me questions and my head blows.

- I have to work. I don't understand ... -Okay.

- I'll give you one last chance. - Thank you.

These two small birds are of the same species and subspecies ...

..but from different families. In 20 seconds, tell me what their names are.

"Yes, but always from whom ..." "From the tail, please!"

One has an inflamed undertail, it's red!

- You should put some ointment on him, poor beast! - Answer!

- Excuse me, I don't see. - Stand still with my glasses.

5 seconds!

4...

..3 seconds ...

- What are you doing ? - The headset! I don't feel much ...

- 2 seconds! - Seconds! Wait up.

This is `` saltinbeccus alla romanus ''!

- Time is running out! - '' lncrociatorus ... ''

Time's up. Very well !

All is well that ends well and a hand washes ...

- Here you are. - Please, take a seat. - Thank you. She is really nice.

How much salary they'll give me, you know? Did they promote me?

- You failed. - How ?

- Failed! - I have a family, ma'am. You have to help me.

As far as I'm concerned, you can even die of hunger. Go.

One moment. What is his name ?

- He thought about it. Did he promote me? - No.

I need to delete his name from the list. What is his name ?

Indovini. It has 10 seconds. Name, surname and tax code!

Tv: `` Today tuna fishing does not obtain satisfactory results ... ''

You are a pig! A wretch!

Are you crazy ? Elena, you have to believe me!

-I have been with Pasquale! -Who ? - Pasquale, my cousin!

-We went to the cinema ! -Which movie have you seen ?

Overwhelmed ... the blue sea!

'' Overwhelmed by an unusual fate in the blue August sea ''!

- Why did you come back at two? - Pasquale wanted to go to dinner!

After 2 years in prison he needed to be around people!

-What restaurant have you been to? - In Trastevere. - From who ?

- From the famous one, '' The Executioner ''. - What did you eat ? - The usual things.

- List them. - As an appetizer, the usual cold cuts.

- The sliced ​​one. And first? - Bolognese tagliatelle.

- And persecution? - The usual chicken.

What part of the chicken? Which side dish and which dessert?

fennel au gratin and sweet margherita cake. Let's make peace!

Don't go near it, I have to check with Pasquale first.

Who knows when you see it! DOORBELL

I'm going !

- We have already given. > Who was he? - The Red Cross!

BELL Yes, the Red Cross!

Dear Pasquale! What did you do to your nose?

- It's the ... - Shall we go to the cinema?

Yes. Thank goodness! I haven't seen a movie for 2 years!

Don't you remember we went to the cinema last night?

We also talked about that garage job.

Ahh! Yes, now I remember!

- We went to the cinema, we talked about the garage. -Take a seat.

Thank you.

- Here we are. -I see you have had a good time!

- An outburst! - Guess what! You shot them and he caught them!

Yes then...

-So ... - What movie did you see last night?

'' Overwhelmed by an unusual fate in the blue sea of ​​August ''.

1974, 79 minutes in duration. Italy, Technicolor, Panavision, stereo.

-Want to know the credits? - No need, thanks.

-Have you already eaten? - Yes. - See you tomorrow ...

By the way ! Where were you for dinner last night?

Where have we been? We went to the restaurant.

I know this. I would not be wrong ...

..but I feel that someone is pulling them at me!

You know the respect I've always had for you.

You put your hand here. Away from me every ... Better clarify!

It's better that way ! I would like to know which restaurant you have been to.

Me and you ? A moment that I remember.

- There was a level crossing. - In the restaurant ?

Near the restaurant ... No, there wasn't a level crossing.

There was ... We took a blow!

You can no longer go to the restaurant they give you certain beats!

It's a hooded restaurant.

They all have secret sect glasses. No, not even that.

It was hot! The itch we had on us!

The saber ... With the ax ... I don't remember ...

''ll boia'', a Trastevere !

- '' The executioner '' of Trastevere! -What did you take?

- The appetizer. - The appetizer. - Shut up, you!

- I have to say it! - What appetizer?

Ham and melon ? That wasn't there, just imagine!

There was, however ... We washed our hands because it is a chic restaurant!

Even the teeth! They give you the toothbrush, it's a crazy place!

They give you the toothbrush, the toothpaste and the hurried ...

We ate `` rushed '', because people there ...

You have to book a month in advance! Salami and sliced ​​ham!

-Sliced ​​of salami and ham. - And first?

First you eat the first and then the thing ...

I do not remember.

A misfortune happened: the cook cut his finger.

The hand, the whole arm ...

The blood! He had a knife like that!

The customers were crying: '' Poor wretch, father of a family! ''

We took him to the hospital, there were no ambulances!

Then they had an operation on his tonsils, they cut them ...

Noodles! Why do you ...

- Tagliatelle. - And second?

- You're questioning me, Marisa! - Yup.

I must also remember the second. It's hot in here!

Second ... the teeth again ...

There you have to brush your teeth every 3 minutes, it's a must.

-We ate the chicken. - And my husband ?

Your husband took ... the plane.

Wait up. He took the plane because the owner is an Alitalia pilot.

- Makes you take the plane ... - What part of the chicken did he take?

- What part of chicken did you get? - Don't be funny!

- La la. -You. And he ? - The engine, directly.

- The engine ... - The thigh. - I said '' the engine '', because ...

- And for the outline? - Just don't get pissed off!

I have to remember, I don't have everything on the tip of my tongue.

- What side dish? - I must remember ...

The side dishes were many and they all went ...

Yes, I had always thought this, since he was a boy ...

He used to play with dolls, ugly as he is!

Yes, this is a gay club ...

.. two have entered ... Indeed, many, a whole fleet!

They entered the club and ... fennel.

Fennel, gay ... You want to see that ... fennel!

- Less bad than I ... - For dessert?

The dessert, that's ... There they ...

Look, I'm good and dear, let's not exaggerate ...

.. that I then lose my head!

Yes. There they make the hand-embroidered cake.

The mistress is a former embroiderer from Florence.

Marisa, do not be angry. I must remember ...

We browsed ... Ah yes! Now I remembered!

The owner has free-range chickens, he gives them to you as a gift and you plucked them.

- Raw. -What ? - No, it's a sea cake.

They put the clams on the cake.

The marble clams, no, of the sea. Sea and marble go together.

Like straw and hay. They put the clams ...

Mortacci yours! Damn me that I got into this mess!

I didn't want the cake and I told him.

Oh! All the fish that rise to the surface ...

..with chicken skin pie! And while the fish were on the cake ...

..all the customers entered and they were all rich ...

..he was the owner too, but he is the richest of all.

Unfortunate! I've been talking about eating and noodles for four hours ...

..thighs, wings and engines, and I'm hungry!

I haven't eaten for two days! I'm hungry !

- What are you doing ? - Don't interrupt me!

I'm hungry. Do not touch me.

Come, Miss Felicita, lean on me.

- Radames. - Hey? - My...

- Miss Felicita? - Yes. - You should have seen her a few years ago ...

... she's a little old now, but once ...

She's aged and ...

-At what time do we meet tomorrow ? - Could you do me a favor?

- For heaven's sake, tell me. - The mitral valve is no good today.

I didn't touch anything, I was under 127!

I'm not saying to you! The mitral valve!

-Ah! Then ? - I'd like to go home.

Would you stay here tonight in my place?

With all my heart, but I can't. I have something important ...

- I'll give you 10,000 lire. - I can not. - I'll leave you my dinner too.

- I tell you I can't. - To waste that grace of God ...

..that my wife brought! A nice loaf of fresh bread ...

- I can not. - The stew with sauce and celery ...

- I can not. - And the tagliatelle with ham.

- Is there also a truffle? - Of course. - No !

I'm not leaving. I stay here. What should I do ?

These are the keys. Eat everything !

-I recommend, always keep your eyes open. - Do not worry.

- Here you have to be ... - Hi, Radames. -Hello, Pasquale.

- Watch out for the `` machine gun ''! - See you tomorrow ! - Hello.

Fuck! Radames keeps up well!

Then the machine gun doesn't work!

Too much stuff!

ENGINE NOISE

DONNACHE PLANGE

Miss, what happened?

- An accident ? - I'm so unhappy!

Oh, Lord! Don't do that. Be good!

Get off. Come.

- Take it easy, take a seat. Sit down. -Thank you. - What happened ?

Don't think I'm stupid, but I'm so unhappy!

Blame my brothers. They are 10 and all retrograde.

Masculinists, obscurantists, chauvinists!

- Are they foreigners? - No, Sicilians!

- They say I provoke. - ln what sense?

They say I'm an owl!

Let's not exaggerate! She is cute !

-She is like them too. -I am a man of experience and I can distinguish.

Good ! I like men of experience who know how to distinguish.

Do you think it's my fault if they all come out?

- No, it's the skirt's fault. - Do I look provocative?

- No. It's normal ... - Bravo!

How do you find this sweater?

- Woolen. -Yes, but punished?

-Castigatissimo! - I want another opinion.

They made a scene this summer because I put on a bikini.

Really ? Then these are truly old-fashioned people!

- Did we stay at the tango? - The thong was something like that.

Doesn't that seem innocent to you? Huh?

Ehhhh!

What happened ?

What happened ? It must be the turning of the machine gun.

- Nothing. - Do you know that you are very nice?

Not like those vulgar people who always think about dirty things!

Yeah, I don't think about it.

I almost show her the birthmark I have under my breasts.

No ! No, that's too much.

- Too much what? - It's too hot in here, too ... cold.

I have a hot one!

It must be the heating that is hot, cold, up, down ...

I do not understand anything any more !

-Ah! - Third!

- Madonna dell'lncoronata, help us! -I feel fresher now!

Instead I feel bad, everything is spinning.

- Can I tell you a secret? -Also two !

If I get angry with my brothers, I would like to spite them.

-Which ? - They do this because they want me to remain a virgin.

Still these things?

- Here you are ! - If I get really mad at them ...

..I wish I wasn't anymore! -What ? -Virgin !

GUTTORAL NOISE

- It's the tonsils, I have an ulcer. -Ah!

- Do you know who I'd do it with? - No. - Just with a guy like her!

So kind and so confident.

Don't you hate your brothers at this point?

- Not so much. -How you do it ?

These people still have a troglodyte mentality!

Think old fashioned!

They are all male chauvinists, '' sviolinists '' and ...

How you do it ? These people have to be disgusted!

- He's right. - You have to hate them. Do you hate them now?

- I hate them, they make me angry! - Let's hate them both!

Let's make a nice hated! Miss, I can't take it anymore!

- Resistance has a limit! > Carmela! - Who is ?

> Where are you? - Who is ? - Oh God ! They are my brothers !

I face them.

Carmela! Where are you ?

Turn everything! Oh my God, Blessed Madonna!

Are you hiding?

> Carmela !

Where did you hide?

If I find you!

Get out, Carmela!

> Carmela !

BELLS

Carmela !

Oh ! Carmelina !

It is the first time in history that a garage owner gets fooled 92 cars!

- 93, they stole yours too. - That's why I'm pissed!

-What a figure! -We really made a shit figure!

And girl, what a piece of figure! I had never seen it like this!

He had two eyes that looked like two headlights.

Two thighs that looked like American tires. And what a butt!

- ll didietro bono era ? - Uh ? - ll didietro bono era ?

Looks ahead !

What a sweat!

This is the address of a bar where they need a waiter.

- This is a place in the cemetery. - But go! Why at the cemetery?

It's a gardener's aid post! Choose what you like! I got it ?

- I can choose ? -Yup. - I choose this.

- I'll take the vehicle. -What now are you coming to get me?

2,20, 2,25... 4,45...

- No. - You cut off at 2.00. If I don't come? - I'll take your head off!

- Perfect. -Hello. - Hello.

Were you wrong again? Then drink!

All.

And now you pay me. 3,200 lire.

- What about the rest? - I'll give it to you tomorrow.

- Aren't you ready yet? - Yes, I'm ready.

Remember that my name is Salvatore Gargiulo ...

.. and if you make a mistake, I will break you ... - I already understand, thanks.

> Waiter! - Yup ?

- Here I am. - Waiter. - Here I am, commands.

- I found a fly in the drink. - A fly ?

I am sorry.

I washed it this morning!

Here you are. She drowned.

He did not understand! I want another one.

- Another one ? - Of course. Hurry up! - One moment.

RONZlO

Here she is ! I caught her on the fly! It was taking off on the head!

Here you are !

Served.

In your opinion, what should our relationship be like?

Something special. Not the usual boring daily grind.

I ask my partner for something different, a life with ...

- Do you want something? - A coffee. With a little humor.

Something different, special ...

.. extraordinary, fantastic, surprising!

- A coffee with humor. - That ?

Con humor.

- It's not there, it's finished. Is it the same if I put Fernet in it? -Yup.

- What you ask me is a utopia. - Is it a utopia?

- To expect a woman ... - Correct coffee. - Correct ?

- She ordered it. - I asked for a regular coffee.

- What am I doing with this? - You drink it.

- Are you Tuscan? - It shows ? - Is that the one who speaks ill of the Pope?

- Do not mention it ! - Excuse me. Regular coffee? - Yup.

With utopia. Only with utopia can certain illusions be created.

A coffee with utopia.

With what ?

It takes a dash of utopia.

- Weren't you wrong? - Do we want to do it normal?

For me everything is the same, as before.

Instead, do you know how I feel about our relationship now?

-Coffee. - No longer normal but cold, very cold!

- A cold, very cold coffee. -Do you remember my name?

- Gennaro Gargiulo and if I'm wrong he commands it ... - Bravo!

They want a cold one.

You too are no longer that tender lover you used to be.

- Freddo. - Here you are ! '' Cold '' is correct.

Whereas, on the other hand, in every woman there is a burning desire for love ...

- Cold and correct. - What does it say? Hot and very sweet!

This is how I mean an encounter, a passion ...

You should have known that I'm not the type to make a lot of fuss!

My affection for you is normal, safe, daily.

- It will be as you say, but it is also ... - Hot and very sweet.

No, love. So much, love!

Ahhh !

- Such a bitter coffee. - This time you were wrong.

- No. - You look like an epileptic! So what have you got?

Gennaro Gargiulo and if you make a mistake with a command ...

I dreamed of you more tender, more available, softer.

You wished you had a romantic, rosewater love!

-Rose water? - Yes, sweet, very sweet!

- No, bitter. - Sweet ! - No, bitter!

- Sweet ! - Bitter! - Can't you find an agreement? - No ! - No !

It is too late now.

Time to have a coffee and goodbye forever!

- But the coffee? - Waiter, is this coffee coming or not?

He arrives !

Think about it, love. We can still be happy.

- I offer you my love and my affection. - No, I don't want it anymore.

Don't you want it anymore? No, miss. She now takes it all!

Silence. This is correct and this is incorrect ...

..humor, utopia, sweet, bitter, cold, very hot ...

..and this is offered by the company!

- What are you doing? - Toscano corrected with cream!

One and two!

Ah! What lust!

- Either you are stupid or you do! - I was born just like that!

I gave you every chance, you only caused me trouble!

You will work with me. Look. Everything is already clean ...

.. dust them off and then arrange them in alphabetical order.

- I already talked to the manager. - Yes. -You have to make yourself appreciated.

- So I become office manager! - The manager is an old-fashioned man.

He hates the trade unionists, absenteeists and uranists!

-How ? -The Uranians. -Those who urinate on themselves in offices.

I heard this on TV, but it's not their fault ...

..if they have a kidney DlSTROPSlA! - The Uranians are the fags!

- In the noble language it means '' fagot ''! - I did not know.

- The manager hates the rich! -Of course.

How come you've been working here for three years and haven't noticed that you're ...

- I am joking ! - Do not be silly !

You're always pissed off! I'm not stupid, I read, you know?

Especially on gays, I have researched a lot.

They are divided into 2 categories: males and females, which are unisex ...

..in English: '' sex-appeal ''. They can be active, passive or reflexive.

There are the '' pediatricians '' and those who are really female.

- Those who disguise themselves, the '' travertines ''! -Yes, the bricks!

I have to go away. If my wife calls ...

.. tell her I bought the Perzia Adelina shoes.

Don't touch my desk!

- I have to work here a lot. - Hello. - Hello.

What a mess !

I like this.

SHAKING THE PHONE

- Office of Gaetano Baudaffi. > Ready? I am Marisa.

Hi, I'm Pasquale. I'm helping your husband.

> Didn't he tell you about the shoes? - Yes, they're here.

> What number am I? - I don't know, should I look? > Look.

Now I look. Number ... It's not written.

> What number do you have? - it? 42.> Please try them on.

- Should I try on a female shoe? > Do me this courtesy!

Just a moment.

Excuse me.

> Did you put them on? How do they fit ? - Huh? > How do they fit you?

Narrow. It will be 37, 38.

> Bring them some time, so you can spread them out for me!

- Do I have to do it ? > Yes. Put them on. - Yes, I'll put the other one too.

> Dear Director! > Good morning, director!

> Good morning. > Director, good morning.

Offshore ! It will be 5 fewer numbers!

How do females walk on these stilts?

They wiggle, so they will make a jerky, undulating movement!

But so the movement is also nice!

Good morning. I am the cousin of Gaetano.

Cousin or cousin?

Gaetano's aunt ... I have to widen a couple ...

- I don't tolerate uranists in my office. - Are you the manager?

- Precisely. - Let's clarify.

I was proving that when there is this movement ...

I do not care. Stop with this scandal!

Give me time to clarify! He is gone !

Did you think so? They also had to mistake me for ricchione.

They don't take off.

I also had to keep the key in my hand!

I pass this way.

It is made of iron.

Goodnight to the bucket.

-Her again? - Sorry, I was just looking if ...

- There's nothing to look at. - Let's clarify. The water, the shoe ...

Go away and be ashamed, voyeur, dirty!

I'm not ugly, I go to mass every Sunday!

-Street ! - Let's clarify that ... - Go away!

> Ahh !

He mistook me for a ricchione! To me, the '' board plunger ''!

What a current!

They were in alphabetical order. Gaetano kills me!

This is a hurricane, it is not wind!

Does it all have to happen to me? More '' loser '' than that, you die.

I don't even take one.

- Where's that pig? - Filippo, are you back?

Yes, to discover it all! Are you in the closet? Come outside.

In the nightstand, bastard!

There is no one here. Don't do as usual!

At this point...

Ahh! The head !

-I found out, finally! You come. - it? -Yup.

You come.

- Permit. Excuse me. - I only have six bullets.

-I'm sorry, if I knew, I was carrying something. -Shut up !

-What do you want from me? - I finally caught you.

- No, there is a misunderstanding, I was on the terrace ... - To escape me. - No !

Did you dare to betray me with this "thing"? Ugly, fat, bald!

- Alain Delon spoke! - Filippo, I swear ... - Don't swear.

I should kill you both, tight in a filthy embrace.

-I unload the magazine on you. -To me ? Do it to her!

-What do I have to do with it? -Get undressed !

- Come on, Filippo, please! - Come on, Filippo!

- Undress or I undress you from dead. -I undress while alive, it's better.

-That is fine ? - Yes. -Hug her. -His wife ? - Yup.

- Don't allow yourself! - He said no. -Hug her!

- Hands down, pig! - In short, what should I do? -Hug each other!

- I hug him. - Stop, don't move.

To ascertain the flagrant adultery, I close you inside ...

..and I call the carabinieri.

I'm going to call the police!

Am I going to call the firemen? Darnit ! They all happen to me!

He knows that we care above all for one thing.

Do you guarantee the morality of your staff?

Our staff is a mirror ...

..that reflects the three cardinal virtues of our agency.

Seriousness, discipline, absolute morality.

Mr. Director, excuse me. Circumstances are against me ...

..but I'm not a Uranian at all. I was there ...

..and the man came on me. I told him to go to his wife.

It was the wife who ... At the moment of recoil ...

Excuse me, Mr. Director, I want to clarify that ...

Until we meet again. Eminence.

Now I understand what kind of staff you have. Good morning.

Luckily I picked up the dress from the dry cleaners. Put them on.

I wanted to see you in my place! Was I supposed to go out naked?

-Ahh! -What happens ? - What is it, a nail?

- No, it's the usual pins. - Burn. - You have a nice scratch.

Stay like that, I'm going to look for alcohol.

They all happen to me.

Burn! I can not resist anymore.

Outside !

Director...

Outside !

- Gaetano. - I don't want to see you anymore.

Help me, I'm really bad. I've been sleeping on a bench for two nights.

-I eat nettle, I have hives! - I can't, you shamed me.

-Gaetano, I'll kill myself. -Perhaps !

- But I get the papers written that it's your fault. - I do not care !

- Give me one last chance, then I'll get out of your life. -That is fine.

- But it's the last time. - Thank you.

Too bad. Too fat.

- Too dirty. - Too much asshole.

- Here you are ! Go to Countess Esterilde Toro of Seville. - Yup.

- They need an extra. - Extraterrestrial? - No.

- What extras? - An extra waiter. You have to rent a tuxedo.

And do whatever they tell you.

- If they are rich ... - Everything they tell you! -That is fine.

-Thank you, Gaetano, you are good, you are beautiful. Hello. -Hello.

- Gaetano, will you give me 17,000 lire? - No.

FLAMENCO

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

ITEM NOT AUDIBLE

- It's over. -Ah!

Conductor Eisenstein, la sua vodka.

''Thank you.''

- Why doesn't the gypsy singer come? - Is delayed.

-I go to see ? - Yup.

- Good evening, Marquise. - Good evening.

- Thank you. - The fur, please.

- Good evening, count. - Put it away. -Immediately.

What are you doing ? I spent 80,000 to rent it.

-What does he want ? - I'm the extra.

Sorry I'm late, Gaetano sent me.

- The gypsy? - Yes, Gaetano. - The gypsy who "dances"?

Even the nurse? He told me to do whatever.

SPANISH SPANISH - Just give me the "dinero"!

Olé! The gypsy! (in Spanish) There is the singer.

(in Spanish) Come on, gypsy. - Yes, Gaetano sent me.

- Give me the jacket. - I spent 80,000 lire!

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

- Sing. - Thank you.

One moment ! I'm not a real singer.

They are '' arrangiatos ''. Do I sing the same? Singing '' La Filumena ''.

Who is Filumena?

VOCl NON UDlBlLl

This is a sad story, "signores e signoritas".

An Anglo-Iberian-Apulian song ...

..the sad story of Filumena, my wife.

My wife is Gaetano's cousin.

It's a similar story to the "Dallas" drama. It is '' Puglias ''.

(sings) '' Filumena, very beautiful ... ''

'' ... she ran away from Canosa. ''

'' Filumena galopera passed through Lucera. ''

'' With my torment, I looked for it in Salento. ''

'' One night full of rain, they also saw it in Foggia. ''

'' I'm scared, but I'm not scared. ''

`` I'm full of libido, horny, greedy ... ''

'' ... and a little ...

'' ..rincoglionido! ''

-Shh! - '' I looked for her until yesterday ... ''

'' ..also by the Carabinieri. ''

'' Where are you Filumena? ''

(together) '' Chi lo sas! ''

'' I also looked for my soul from the police. ''

'' Where are you Filumena? ''

(together) '' Chi lo sas! ''

'' I looked for her, my amigos ... ''

'' ... in the Digos offices. ''

'' Where are you Filumena, ya thing? ''

(together) '' Chi lo sas! ''

- '' Maybe she went to Sanremo. '' (Together) '' What the hell do we know! ''

- '' Maybe it's at Lake Comacchio. '' - '' We don't know a damn about it. ''

'' Where are you Filumena? ''

- '' What does Filumena do? '' - '' Jo lo if what Filumena does! ''

'' Why don't you have it dittos primas? ''

(together) '' Filumena ... ''

'' ... do the whore! ''

How rude!

Olé! APPLAUSl

(Russian accent) Great idea for my next movie '' Battleship Potemkin. ''

- Gentlemen, the party is over. Good night. - Good night.

- Pasquale Baudaffi. - Here I'm. - Serial number 00761.

- Blood pressure ? - 80/120. - Maclega's reaction? -4.75.

- Valenrose reaction? - 16.5. - Glutamyltranseptine range?

-28 percent. - Alkaline phosphatase ? -0.57 percent.

- Kunkeburgman reaction? -42.9 alpha positive.

- Did you take the Cortison Chemicetin? - No, the subway.

Come.

- Good ! Mr. ... - Baudaffii Pasquale.

He responded to the announcement and was immediately hired. What do you think ?

-Really beautiful. - I was saying the factory.

Pretty ! All those machines!

The most sophisticated elaborations of cybernetics.

But for us the most valuable asset is our dear workers.

- She ! Please take a seat. - Thank you. - Hiii!

- Here's your workplace. - Thank you. - You are welcome.

Please, take a seat.

We activate.

-What color is this ? - Red. - Good boy.

- This ? -Green. - Very good !

You will now hear a buzzer.

At the first sound of the buzzer it turns on the red light.

At the second sound of the buzzer, the green light turns on.

At the third sound it turns everything off.

- This is your job. - That's all ? - Yup.

-Simple ? -Much. - Thank you, your satisfaction is a reward.

Hi!

SOUND OF RED CLCALlNO!

Nothing.

SOUND OF CLALLNO Ah! Green.

Red and green.

SOUND OF CLALLNO

THE CLCALLNO PLAYS REALLY A moment, I'm blowing my nose.

- How is it going ? - Good. - He's a little bored, right?

- Well ... yes. - Then do me a courtesy.

CLCALlNO Red.

- If it doesn't bother you. - No ! Between one interval and another ...

-Green ! ... between a red and a green ...

..I should activate the teleprinter with the '' q ''.

- With the cu ... - The '' q '' button. - The letter !

With the key '' q '' it is activated, with the key '' s '' ...

-Yes '' passive ''! - No, it deactivates. Do you see?

With the '' q '' it is activated, with the '' s '' it is deactivated.

This has to do it for eight holes. THE CLCALlNO PLAYS REPEATEDLY

Wait a minute, I'm talking to the manager!

-Clear ? -Yup. -Simple ? - Very simple.

Your satisfaction is our best reward.

Piripipripì ! Hi! PERNACCHlA

Did it make me raspberry?

ClCALlNO

The '' q ''! CLCALlNO

ClCALlNO

ClCALlNO

THE CLCALlNO PLAYS REALLY A moment! I'm doing the '' q ''.

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl

ClCALlNO

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl The '' q ''!

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl AND GREEN CLOCK!

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl Where is it? Yup ?

(teletype voice) Wrong hole. - Excuse me, I have the eight holes.

Not the ossobuchi, the eight holes of the '' thing ''! Excuse me.

(teletype voice) Wrong hole! Wrong hole!

Excuse me. I did not know. I'm on the phone.

Yes. It said '' wrong hole ''. CLCALlNO

There is not. I do not know where. I'm the new employee.

I don't have time, call back at another time. Holy shit!

THE CLCALlNO PLAYS REALLY A moment! I was responding.

- How is it going ? - Very well.

- They phoned for you first. I answered. - He did the right thing.

Come. You should do me a courtesy. If they should call back ...

.. could you answer that Dr. Thomas is not on site? - That's all ?

- If you answer the phone, you should do me a courtesy. - Yup.

- It should activate this '' z '' circuit. - Stop ?

- While he's here, if you don't mind ... - No!

There is a lever here. It is used to deactivate the '' z '' circuit.

This way!

- Before answering the phone? - Yup.

When the phone rings I come here, I activate the `` z '' circuit ...

.. I deactivate it and then I say: '' Doctor Thomas is not on site. ''

- Clear ? - Yes. - Very simple. - Yes please.

Your satisfaction is our best reward.

Hi! Hi! Piripipripì !

Piripiripiri ... Hiii ... God?

ClCALlNO

ll rosso !

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl

PHONE CLOCK AND RING

Ah! The '' z ''!

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl Yes? Dr. Thomas is not there.

- How is it going ? - Very well.

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl -Wait. - Yup.

''WITH'' !

- Dr. Thomas is not on site. - Bravo, I am pleased. Come.

- What is this ? - A whistle? - Horn.

Whistling in the horn ... You're welcome!

FlSCHlO .. activates the strictly '' y '' circuit.

- Then, if you don't mind ... - No! ..here is a lever to deactivate.

Clear ?

A moment that I summarize. When the phone rings ...

.. I activate the '' z '' circuit ... and I deactivate it. - Good boy.

Then I say, "Dr. Thomas is not on site."

- The rigor ... -Yes! - Then I come here ...

- Easy. -Thank you. Your satisfaction ...

(together) ..is our best prize.

VERSACCl

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl

Penalty!

Dr. Thomas is not on site.

VERSACCl

CLCALlNO Red. The '' q ''.

ClCALlNO Green.

One, two, three ... eight holes. TELEPHONE SQUlLLl

TELEPHONE SQUlLLl There is not.

'' ..is our best prize. '' There is no penalty!

Punishment. Cuckold referee. It is not in place.

Circuit '' z ''! TELEPHONE SQUlLLl

- There is not. (teletype voice) Wrong hole.

TELEPHONE, CLOCK AND TELEPHONE SQUlLLl

(teletype voice) Wrong hole.

Green. Red. Click here.

Dr. Thomas is not there.

Head ! Head ! TELEPHONE SQUlLLl

Penalty! 11 meters.

Bravo.

Director, your satisfaction is our best reward.

- Do you have a broom? - Because ? - My ass is free.

While I'm there, I clean the environment!

VERSACCl

Oh God ! It is raining ?

Go away !

Nero!

Dude, come here. Where do you go ? Do not run away !

Don't make me run, I'm weak. What a blow to the empty belly!

Nero, handsome, come.

Nero, don't rush.

Get caught, blessed little dog.

Benedetto Nero.

Ahh! Damn Nero!

Nero, handsome, come.

Nero!

My Nero! Luckily you are back!

Nice, Nero! Mama's love, you're back.

Dude, give mom a kiss.

Thank you.

Dude, my love, you are back at last!

How are you ? What have they done to you?

You ate ? Tell mom if you've eaten.

We didn't eat either of them.

- I imagine he will want the exceptional reward. - I'm here for this.

I always keep my promises. Unfortunately !

I would have done anything to get my little darling back.

-Love ! - Madam, how much is the reward?

This is not about money.

As you want. Traveler's checks and stamps are also good.

No ! Stay there, love. It is a much more precious thing.

Don't give me any jewelry, otherwise they think I ...

For the past few days, I was so sad that I took a vow.

To whom Nero had brought me back, I would have offered my whole body!

Don't bother, don't worry.

A body that ever since my poor husband left me ...

..no other man's hand has touched. - I understand why!

- Is the reward 500,000 lire? - No ! - Too much. 200,000? - No !

However painful it may be, vows must be kept. Come.

- Do we make 220,000? - No ! - Half a ham? - No !

- Four eggs? -Come, you will not regret it.

- Madam ... -Yes? - A supplì?

> Ah! My Paschal! Who are you ?

> Where have you been all this time? > To Regina Coeli.

-Ahh! - Oh my, what a weight!

Hello, Nero. I did my vow. In fact, I made four!

I'm not 20 anymore! I was also undernourished.

You have returned to your villa, I am returning to my municipal villa.

- Hello, Nero. - Who is ?

- Who I am ? - Raquel Welch? - No, I'm Palmira. -Darnit !

How, Pasquale? Do you want to go away ?

Right now that with your passion you have upset my life?

Come, my insatiable samurai!

Nero, as they say ... '' We did 30, we do 31! ''

Palmira !

Pasquale, love is a wonderful thing!

- From here to eternity! -Gone With the Wind.

RlDE Luciano, I liked you! Good boy.

-We did the whole movie you and me. - Give me some her.

Because ? Didn't we make a good movie, you and me?

ln public give me some her.

ln public? There is no one here.

Someone might pass.

If you put it on this tone, let's talk about her.

- Should I call you Excellency? - Doctor. -That is fine.

Doctor, give me at least a critical judgment of this film.

-Do you want a critical judgment? - Yup.

FlSCHl

(in German) Ready ...

... aim ...

..fire !

No, for heaven's sake!

Canzone: '' Yes, Ja, Yes. ''

'' Yes, that's right. Yes, Oui. ''

'' The big brother says to his little brother: Come on, you idiot. ''

'' The little brother answers the big brother ... ''

'' ..Come on, cool guy! ''

'' If you are an idiot, only you know it ... ''

'' ... when one is stupid, Peru is too. ''

'' There is an idiot in Syracuse and one in Timbuktu ... ''

'' ... one among the Piedmontese and one among the Hindus. ''

'' Come on, you fool, come on, you fool ... ''

''O yes !''

'' Come on, you fool, come on, you fool ... ''

''O yes !''

'' Come on, you fool, come on, you fool ... ''

''I am coming. What manners! ''

''You never know !''