Original subtitles

I'd be obliged to you for a ride.

I'd be obliged if you'd drive

these miracles of nature for me.

How far you going?

The end of the line.

Oh, where's that?

That all depends.

Depends on what?

Upon whether or not you believe in heaven.

Hyah. Giddap.

Come on, get. Giddyup.

Giddap.

Get up there. Come on.

Get up there. Giddyup. Giddyup.

You know him?

The hero of Pawnee Creek?

Why, every schoolboy in the nation

knows of his famous victory.

"'But what good came of it at last, ' quoth little Peterkin.

"'Why, that I cannot say, '

said he, 'but 'twas a famous victory.'"

Do I understand, sir, you have some reservations

about the greatest and most glorious Indian fighter

since General George Armstrong Custer?

Well, I have heard that he was able to surprise the Pawnees

because he tortured an Indian spy

and learned the secret way into the Pawnee stronghold.

I'm shocked.

Then I suppose there have been ugly rumors

about every national hero who had political ambitions.

I shall never again believe what I read.

Giddap.

Nancy!

There's gonna be a show.

There's gonna be a show?

Now just wait here, children.

I have a surprise for you.

Ah, miracles.

Wait.

Poor little thing. Perhaps it has the colic.

Phew! Nasty baby. Dirty child. Whack!

Why do you talk to that child that way?

Now you take her back.

Oh, all right.

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪

♪ Mother has fled ♪

♪ Sing like canary... ♪

Wish she was dead. Ugh!

Ten-hut!

Stand easy.

Well... we haven't had a good medicine show

in this post in years.

Medicine show?

My dear sir, Dr. Humbug would be the last person

in the world to interfere

with the workings of a kindly providence.

If a man suffers from humors of a choleric nature,

cover him with earth, and soon enough,

he will return to his natural state.

All right, now off with you, you little blockheads,

and spread the word that tonight at 8:00,

in the plaza, there's going to be a gala entertainment

entitled "You Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks."

Admission free.

Children half-price.

Well, if this isn't a medicine show,

what in the devil's name is it?

♪ Arma virumque cano. ♪

Shh, shh, shh.

Latin, General.

He mean, "Of arms and the man, I sing."

I'm a minstrel of sorts.

Traveling here and there with my representations

of the nation's poltroons.

Excuse me, I mean...

heroes, heroes, heroes.

George Washington, Danny Boone,

Andy Jackson...

And Pawnee Croft.

♪ Ha-ha, ho-ho, ho-ho ♪

♪ Pawnee Croft for you ♪

♪ Pawnee Croft for me ♪

♪ Ha-ha, ha-hee, ho-ho, ha-ha, heh-heh-heh-heh. ♪

Well, you've come at a good time my little friend.

You do your job well, and you'll not want for it.

Now, what kind of a toy is that?

I'm a lonely man, Mr. Paladin.

Grant me a few childish amusements.

All free amusements and no magic potions to sell?

There are men in the world who receive adequate reward

from the happy laughter of innocent children.

That's true, Burnaby, but you're not one of them.

Oh, what leads you to that shocking conclusion?

For one thing, this.

You've been picking my pockets, Burnaby?

And for another thing...

This.

Now, Burnaby, you didn't come all this way

to meddle in state politics.

Ha!

Politics?

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.

Burnaby, if you make a fool of him,

the general is perfectly capable of pulling a gun

and shooting you down in front of everybody.

He does have a vile temper, doesn't he?

Why do you want him to kill you?

Kill me?

Ha! Do you think he'd do such a shocking thing as that?

What about his political ambitions?

You know DeQuincey...

"A man indulge himself in murder,

soon cares little for robbing and..."

"And from robbing, he comes to Sabbath breaking

and drinking, and from there to procrastination and incivility."

Mr. Paladin, in countries less barbaric than ours,

isn't it the custom

for the guest to avenge

the death of his host?

You have been a guest under my roof.

Burnaby, what if these people tonight see the show,

laugh at it

and forget about it?

"I have heard that guilty creatures

"sitting at a play, have by the very cunning

"of the scene been so struck to the soul

"that they have proclaimed their maledictions.

"For murder, though it hath no tongue,

"speaks with most miraculous organ.

"The play's the thing

wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king."

Burnaby, I don't know why you hate Croft,

but I do know it's none of my affair.

Now, I'm leaving this wagon.

I'm going to get myself a horse.

I'm going to ride out of here on that horse

and before this night is out,

I'll be on my way to San Francisco.

Mr. Paladin, be patient.

I've been patient for 16 years!

Evening, Sergeant. Good evening.

General in? Yes, sir.

Thank you.

May I speak to the general?

Why, I do declare.

The man with the puppeteer show.

Do come in.

The general would be so delighted.

Thank you.

General.

The mountebank just gave me a ride in his wagon

when I lost my horse.

Can you release a surplus animal

so I can buy him?

Well, of course I'll release you a horse.

And you release your vote to me, hmm?

Well, what do you say?

No vote, no horse.

And that's a long ways to walk, now.

Let him be, General.

He just don't take a joke.

Let him be.

Oh, I'll let him be, all right.

What's the matter with you?

Well, General, I came here with a very simple request.

I need a horse.

You got something against me, is that it?

No, sir.

But for whatever it's worth,

I think you'd be a disaster in politics.

Now, you pay no attention to him at all, General.

You just give him the horse and let him go.

Who asked you in here anyway?

And who asked for your opinion?

Now, you just go on and get out of here!

Yes, sir.

General, what happened to you 16 years ago?

16 years ago?

Why, that was the Pawnee victory,

for which he got his name.

What's that have to do with you?

Well, I'm not sure.

But I think I'll stay and find out.

Why, I do declare.

Whatever did he mean?

Just you never mind.

General, you're just gonna fall

flat down on your face in that show.

Right in front of all those people.

I'm an Indian fighter.

People like me for what I am.

Come on, let's go!

I want to see the show!

Start the show! Start the show!

Carl, congratulations on the new baby.

Stacy.

Ladies and gents,

the noble attraction I'm about to present

has been witnessed by the gentry and nobility

and all the principal setters of civilization.

I promise you, it'll surpass anything you've ever seen

in the annals of history.

And I thank you.

♪ Oodly-doodly-doodly-doo, this is the way to do it ♪

♪ Oh, hearken now to me awhile ♪

♪ A story I will tell you ♪

♪ Of a man who was a vile, deceitful, murderous fellow. ♪

Talking back to your father, is it?

Nasty, noisy, impotent little blockhead.

Whack, whack, whack.

There, I guess that'll teach you.

Well, have you learned your lesson?

Ungrateful child.

Oh...

Punch. Punch.

What have you done with the child?

What have I done with the child?

Punch, where is our baby?

Why, uh,

uh, I've, uh,

I've put it to sleep, that's what I've done.

To sleep? Where?

Why, uh, up in heaven, of course.

You'd better go fetch it some reviving medicine,

some stick licorice and an extract of shillelagh.

Oh, Punch, how could you?

Easy.

Like this.

Whack, whack, whack!

♪ Roodly-doodly-doodly-do, that's the way to do it. ♪

Oh, you horrid wretch.

How utterly tiresome of you.

Now I shall have to go find another.

Now, isn't that just like a woman?

Getting herself all in a sweat over every little trifle.

Some peoples just

can't bear to be accommodated.

You know the story of Singing Water,

the wicked, wicked squaw...

who made such dreadfully

unreasonably difficulties for

our beloved and heroic

General Pawnee Croft?

♪ I'm Butcher Croft, the soldier's friend ♪

♪ I took 10,000 men ♪

♪ I marched them up to the top of a hill ♪

♪ And marched them down again ♪

Miserable squaw,

I shall take the hide off you in strips

if you don't reveal to me the secret path

to your people's stronghold.

Never.

Wicked ungrateful heathen wench,

take that!

Oh, oh!

Oh!

Oh, no, no! Oh!

No...!

Oh! Oh, oh!

Stop this outrage!

Oh, no, no, no! Oh!

Stop, I say!

Oh, oh!

Oh, no,

no, no, oh!

Stop or I'll...!

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh!

Maryanne!

Maryanne! Maryanne!

I'm going to get some men, and I'm going to burn him out.

Then it's all true, isn't it?

All of it!

My hero.

Maryanne...

General.

That's far enough.

All right.

I don't have to dirty my hands on any mountebank.

Corporal, the guard!

Burnaby, where do you fit in the story?

I used to be schoolmaster here.

Not a very good one, I'm afraid.

Too frivolous.

And...

Singing Waters?

The Indian girl on whose agonies

General Croft built his military reputation?

She was my wife.

I'm sorry.

We Scots have a saying.

"He who loses his sixpence and his wife,

loses his sixpence."

I'd like to buy your revolver from you.

It's not for sale.

Anything in the world's for sale... honor, fame, reputation!

Isn't it?

Good night, Burnaby.

Corporal, the guard!

My audience is coming back for an encore performance.

All right, now hold it right there.

Stand aside.

He's had warning enough!

For a man that's just about to face a military court,

you're pushing your authority pretty far, aren't you?

Burn him out!

It ain't true what he says about you, is it, Pawnee?

♪ I'm Butcher Croft, the soldier's friend ♪

♪ I took 10,000 men ♪

♪ I marched them up to the top of a hill ♪

♪ And marched them down again. ♪

Unhand me!

Would you lay your hands on your general?!

You know me!

You respected me!

Burnaby!

Get out of there, Burnaby!

Burnaby, what are you gonna do without your puppets?

Oh, there are other ways of making a living.

Judy. Judy.

Judy.