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♪ Well, well, well, well ♪

♪ Well, I don't pack pickles in my pockets ♪

♪ I keep my socks on my feet ♪

♪ I may be short and white, but I got one thing right ♪

♪ My love's bigger than you think ♪

♪ My love is bigger than you think ♪

♪ Like a Hindenburg model done in pink ♪

♪ It could go anytime, so got a kitchen sink ♪

♪ My love is bigger than you think ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ People talk, what do they know? ♪

♪ They speak of hands and fingers and feets and toes ♪

♪ Speculate my height ♪

♪ Or shades of black and white ♪

♪ But that don't mean a thing ♪

♪ My love is bigger than you think ♪

♪ Like a Hindenburg model done up in pink ♪

♪ This here fine healthy man with an overactive gland ♪

♪ My love is bigger than you think ♪

♪ Tales of prowess, they're anyone's guess ♪

♪ Like stains on bathroom walls ♪

♪ Your dreamy night with a friend ♪

♪ Abruptly comes to an end ♪

♪ Then you scream out ♪

♪ Baby, that's all ♪

Uh-uh.

Mmm.

Ohh. Ohh.

- Ohh. - Mmm.

[Radio clicks on] ♪ My love is bigger than you think ♪

Oh shit. Sorry.

[Music stops]

[Man exhales] Uhh.

No, no, no, no. Morning breath.

[Both moaning]

Come on, kiss me.

No.

[Moans]

Yeah. Mmm.

Come on.

[Moaning]

Ugh!

[Vomiting]

Listerine, the only thing to reach for

before the snooze button.

Idea to run by Procter & Gamble.

Genius. Pure genius.

The client will love that, as usual.

Coffee?

Never touch the stuff.

Oh, right.

Freak.

How come every guy I know gets totally turned on

by the idea of 2 girls going at it,

but I don't know any girls that get excited

about 2 guys doing it?

Maybe you don't know the right girls.

For instance, supermodel of the minute Amber.

Ah.

What is up with that? You can't walk 10 feet in this city

without seeing some ridiculous hottie.

And if they don't know you, they don't want to know you.

Right. It's like you don't even exist.

And even if they do look,

and you don't come up with something really witty

right there on the spot to get their attention...

They're gone forever. Never see 'em again.

Ohh, add her to my slide show.

Slide show? You don't need a slide show,

I need a slide show. You get the white out every night.

Actually, I got it out this morning.

- That babe from the awards dinner? - Yep.

Why can't I win an award in front of 300 hot women?

What was her name, anyway?

Anyone actually get any work done here?

Actually, we're pretty much the hottest shop in town right now.

Bookings are bigger than ever this year.

New accounts are coming in faster than we can handle them.

Which is, I'm sure, why they brought you in.

Is that why? I was beginning to wonder.

The best part is there's, like, young hot guys everywhere.

What, all the creatives?

How did you know that?

Just a hunch.

Hmm. Is this subliminal advertising?

Well, actually, it's one of our biggest accounts.

Subtle.

Ohh.

I think it started with a "d."

It was like Deanna, Diana, or Donna...

So, whatever, so, listen,

I get this blind date the other night, right?

And the girl that sets me up is, like, a friend

of a friend of somebody who I don't even know.

So, it's like a deaf, dumb, and blind date?

Right. And so this girl who's, like, a full-on...

Jap, by the way, I mean, total Long Island drawl and everything,

says to me, and I quote,

"She looks like a model."

Right. All the guys love her.

Yeah, right. Right.

So, anyway, so, I go home and, uh,

I'm gonna meet her out in front of my place,

and I'm runnin' late, so I shower, and I shave,

and I get down there in, like, 2 seconds.

She's not there? No, no, she's there.

But not only does she not look like a model,

she's got, like, hair to the ceiling.

- Jersey. - Yeah, right.

So, the thing is, though,

I can tell that underneath the base, she's kind of hot.

You know? So we go to the restaurant,

and she gets up, and she has to go to the bathroom,

and I took off my jacket.

And I guess... I don't know. I guess I was nervous,

and I didn't put on any anti-perspirant or something,

but my pits are soaked.

I mean, it's, like, not even rings.

It's just like these 2 dark shapes

moving towards the front of my chest, you know.

So I totally...

I totally panic.

And, uh, now, I have to get up,

and I'm in the bathroom, and I turn on the little hand dryer,

and I gotta point it up to dry off my pits, so I can...

Wait. Wait, hold on.

I can't remember her fucking name.

What are you talking about?

The girl from the awards dinner. I don't know...

I was with her last night, I was inside her an hour ago,

and now I... I can't remember her fucking name.

Why do you care?

It's just so wrong. I mean...

I gotta make a change.

I can't keep going out with these nameless women.

Oh, dude, what are you... I gotta move on.

"I gotta." Listen. I'm serious.

You can't change your life. I love your life.

Do you realize I have a better vicarious sex life

than most people's real lives?

Really! I love your life.

Your life is like a great porno movie,

except with better lighting. You know?

And there's great cheesy music and lots of women.

You could use more lesbians, though.

- Oh, you think? - Yeah.

Thanks for the note.

Nah, I gotta... maybe I just haven't met

the right woman yet or something.

Maybe there isn't the right woman.

Maybe I'm just an asshole.

Maybe you just like to get laid.

I got it! Delia! That was her name.

- Delia. - Delia.

Good morning, Gallant Advertising.

Good morning, please hold.

Good morning, please hold.

Good morning, Ralph.

Hey.

What, is everyday like secretaries day with you?

Morning, Ralph, I missed you last night.

Yeah...

She's just a temp.

Oh, good.

Oh, yummies, good morning.

Yum, yum.

No, it's yummies. It's my own new saying.

It's like yuppies.

Yeah, but yuppies is young urban professionals.

How is yuppies like yummies?

It's better. It's young urban models. Yummies.

Not only is it an acronym, but it's also an onomatopoeia.

Oh, 'cause they're... Yummy. Yummy.

Right, that's why I'm so tickled.

Ahem.

Guys, this is our new account director,

Elizabeth Brenner.

Peter McGrath, one of our copywriters.

And our new associate creative director,

Ralph Gagante.

- Hi. - Hi.

All right. Pitch mode, people.

Spartan condom campaign.

Ok, kid, bring us up to speed.

All right, here we go.

A teen couple, about 14 years old, about to get down.

Aw, yeah.

Black and white, extreme close-ups

and quick jarring cuts. No dialogue at all.

- He rips open her blouse. - Whoo!

The buttons scatter in slow motion.

She fumbles clumsily with the button at his neck,

gets frustrated, grabs it with her teeth,

spits it out. Ptoo!

Cut back, they're down to their underwear.

He moves towards her.

She stops him. Her look says it all.

No glove, no love.

Uh-uh.

But he pleads with her. "Come on, it's so much better

without a condom." She's not going for it.

So he reaches into the back of his pocket,

pulls out the generically packaged condom.

But he can't open it. It just won't tear.

He's trying, she's riding up on him, getting impatient.

"Come on, baby."

So, she reaches into her bag and pulls out...

The product. ♪ Bom-chik-a bom-bom ♪

She opens it,

the condom spills out. He smiles, relieved.

Dissolve through this ecstatic shot

of them reaching blissful satisfaction together.

♪ Ba-bom-bom ♪

"The safe case from Spartan.

We've been around for 30 years,

we want you to be around a lot longer."

That's a great job, kid.

Ok, notes.

Yeah, I've got notes.

I like the tagline, but is anybody needing

child pornography masking as avant-garde film?

Did you... did you actually draw in that woman's nipple?

Yup.

You cannot show a nipple on television.

Fox will run it. They run anything.

Legal won't clear it.

Did you look at that nipple? That's a great nipple.

The networks are definitely not going to let you show them coming together.

They're not coming together. They're coming together.

Isn't this what made us successful in the first place?

High-impact, creative,

in-your-face, down-your-throat,

up-your-bad-ass advertising.

We're selling safe sex, not erotica.

These suits always miss the point.

What we're trying to say is that safe sex can be erotic...

All evidence to the contrary.

The climax, the sex, Elizabeth, is what sells the product.

I think the client wouldlike to target a more sophisticated demographic.

With this, you're alienating everybody but teenage kids.

And wait, I was right. That's porno music.

No, it's from Shaft.

Actually, that was from Car Wash.

It's Isaac Hayes, man. Black Moses.

No, at the end. The guy comes in in the Caddy.

It's dirty. He wants it clean.

I remember that. I love that scene.

He gets a very clean car at the end.

My mom's got his greatest hits at her house.

Actually, guys,

that was Debbie does Dallas.

Wait a minute, folks. What we need here

is a little synergy, not anarchy.

Now, this client is A-list. They play rocketball.

So, we'll lose the climax, kid,

but we'll save the nipple shot.

As far as the censors are concerned,

I'm sure that...

You'll find a way to make that happen, Liz.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth.

Ok?

I'm off to the coast,

where they're going a little ballistic.

So, uh,

you guys noodle this and then lay it on me

on Friday at the gangbang.

Ok? Ciao Bella!

[Whispering] Ciao. Ciao.

- See you later, man. - Later, dude.

- Uh, Elizabeth? - Ralph.

I take it you're not a big fan of my work.

It's not that, Ralph. It's just, don't you think

we're sort of taking the low road here?

Yes, I heard what you said in the meeting.

But, uh, you know, sex sells, Elizabeth.

It's something everybody feels entitled to.

It's not the sex I have a problem with, Ralph.

It's how you use the sex.

Well, how do you expect me to sell condoms without using sex?

You're the creative here. Create!

What?

Uh, you're incredible.

You're just so, uh, passionate

and, like, intelligent.

Oh, please.

No, no, I'm serious.

I mean, I don't know, maybe you're right.

Every survey they take tells me,

"Sell sex. Sex sells. Selling is sexy." So...

And the nipple shot?

That's a personal thing.

So you...

What do you mean, it's a personal thing?

You know, like a fetish.

Fetish?

Oh, like, uh,

like the small of a woman's back.

Or the space just behind her shoulder blade.

Or that little spot right behind her ear.

Ok, I get it. I got the point.

These are the things that turn people on.

You know? I'm being honest here.

You've got some line, Gagante.

I mean, you really are convinced that

every woman wants to sleep with you.

Not every woman, but a lot.

Can I take you out to dinner?

Best Italian in New York.

No, no. We can talk about work.

Yeah, I would like to hear

what you so-called creatives actually do.

- Great. - Great.

I'll, uh, pick you up around 7:00?

Oh. Oh, wait, I can't.

I've got a date.

Right.

She's got a date.

Jeans, jeans, jeans...

I love my jeans. My jeans are so hot.

What am I doing here this late?

God, I should be out with someone.

They don't pay me enough for this.

Well, yeah, they do.

God, it's hot.

Ok.

[Sniffing]

[Moaning]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Sure. I'd give the shirt...

Off my back...

For jeans...

That fit.

Amber.

I'd take off my jeans for you, Ralph.

Even if they did fit.

Uh...

[Porno music playing]

Do you want me?

Yeah. I want you here.

Oh, God.

In this office.

[Sniffs]

Right now.

Ok. You can have me.

- Mmm. - Oh, my God.

- You're so sexy. - You are so hot.

- Give it to me. - Ok.

Come on baby, take me from behind.

Oh, God.

Yeah. Yeah... wait.

Let me draw your nipple.

Oh, God, yeah! Oh my God.

[Grunts] Mmm.

[Grunts] Mmm.

Always working, huh, kiddo?

Uh... Yeah.

Well, you know me.

You keep it up, one of these days,

I might be calling you partner.

Good night.

See you.

Oh, Ralph.

That was fantastic.

Uh, thanks.

We could have taken a cab, you know.

Ugh! Yuck!

Wow, I could live here. Seriously.

You fit in perfectly, Peter.

Are you the advertising people?

- Mr. Wexler. - Joseph.

Hi, Elizabeth Brenner. We spoke on the phone.

This is Ralph Gagante, our associate creative director.

And Peter McGrath, one of our copywriters.

Thanks for coming down.

This place is amazing, Joseph!

Thanks.

Unfortunately, as you can see,

they're not exactly coming in in droves.

As it stands, I can't even turn on the neon lights,

much less the karaoke machine.

What's the problem?

Well, I got this place in a foreclosure,

but it cost me everything I had.

And now I've got this huge overhead with no base clientele.

See, the previous owner jacked the prices up so high,

it scared a lot of the parents off.

So, what did you have in mind?

Well, I just need to get the word out to people

who couldn't afford to bring their kids here before.

So, target a multi-ethnic cross-section?

Maybe create, like, a block party image?

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Well, let's see what we have to work with.

Ok.

Have you had a chance to put together

an advertising budget?

That's pretty much what we talked about on the phone.

- You have no budget. - I have no budget.

That's ok.

Basically, we're looking at, um,

at, uh, airtime and production costs,

which is really gonna be the main drag.

- Whoa! - Hey!

Oh, you want to play now, lover?

We'll finish this up later?

- All right. - Ok, thanks.

Sorry.

She's some lady.

Are you two, uh...

Oh, no. Why-- why do you ask?

I don't know. Just a thought.

Yeah. No, no.

Mark broke my doll! Mark broke my doll!

Well, um, you know what we could do, sweetheart?

Joseph, do you have markers, and scissors, and paper, and stuff?

We got everything.

We're gonna make you a new doll,

but we're gonna need some help.

Right. Ok.

Hey, team Wonder Camp, come on. Huddle up.

Come here, guys.

We're going to go to the arts and crafts room on 3.

You ready? 1... 2... 3!

Yeah! Come on! Come on!

[Telephone rings]

[Rings]

Uh-uh.

Hey, kid. Later, ok?

What's up?

All right, so I met with the Wonder Camp guy this morning.

Yeah?

- I really want to do it. - Great. Great.

Problem is, he's got no money.

Hmm... Fuck him.

Right. We could do that.

But I was thinking maybe we do it pro bono.

Pro bono?

Balk, balk, balk.

That's me balking. Pro bono, what are you talking about?

I could do it... I could do some work in my free time.

What free time?

You're banging secretaries twice a day.

You nail that one yet, by the way?

- No, no. She's not really my type. - Why not?

- She's humanoid. - She's a little bookish.

Ah.

Sorry, I can come back later.

No, no, no. Liz, please sit down.

You of all people should hear this game plan.

Mr. Don Juan Gandhi

wants to work pro bono for the Wonder Camp.

Wants to do the creative work in his free time.

So, Mahatma, tell us

who you plan on screwing to crunch the numbers.

What? Hey...

Actually, Jonathan, that's not going to be necessary.

I've been crunching the numbers, and I think

that he can afford the airtime and production costs

if we can provide the creative work in numbers.

Ah. Another altruist.

Jonathan, this guy is really trying to do something here.

I mean, Wonder Camp is a safe and creative place for these kids to play.

Without it, they have nothing.

So?

You know, Jonathan, we do have some contacts at Ad Age.

They might like a cover story about an ad exec

who wants to give back to the community.

Done.

But I want big time PR on this.

I want to milk this baby for all it's worth, ok?

And don't drop the ball on this one, kiddies,

because Big Brother will be watching.

I want to use what happened at Wonder Camp in the ad, you know?

Something about how the kids were working together. Teamwork.

"Team Wonder Camp."

Um, I don't know.

"For parents who travel",

you know, "whether at work or play,

your kids will be loved all day."

That sucks. That sucks.

Ok. Um.

Something about Wonder Camp. You know, the word "wonder."

I don't know, there's 7 wonders of the world.

This could be the eighth wonder.

"Wonder Camp, the eighth wonder of the world."

Hey, that's good. I like that. Joseph will love that.

We can get shots of the Great Wall of China.

We can get an expense-paid trip. So, we'll just...

Whoa. Whoa. I think, given the budget constraints,

we might want to keep it simple. We have to use what we have access to.

I mean, we have the space, which is great.

Um, we have Joseph.

We could use his assistant in the shot.

Something like her with one of the kids.

Wait, here. Check this out.

You are really not well.

What?

Well, where's the nipple, Ralph?

Uh, th-there's no nipple.

This spot is for a playground for children.

You can't use sex to sell that.

It's not so much sex as it is aesthetics.

You know, people like looking at attractive people,

in attractive settings, wearing attractive clothes.

It... It attracts them.

Hence, your $1,200 suits, your perfectly mussed-up hair,

the Ferrari. - Give me a break.

You make it sound like I'm some kind of male model wannabe.

Face it, Ralph, everything you do, say, or wear

is shrewdly calculated to attract members of the opposite sex.

Everything everybody does is.

Yeah, but for you it's, like,

the central activity of your life, right?

Somehow I suspect it's always been that way.

Well, yeah. As far back as I can remember.

Hey, Teresa, get back in the house

before I smack you all the way back to Bay Ridge, huh.

Fuck you, Vinny, you pigfucker!

Hey, don't you raise your voice to me!

I grew up in Brooklyn,

which could be the source of all my problems right there.

See, my mother's Jewish, and my father's Italian,

which, I guess, sort of makes me a pizza bagel.

Anyway, Jews and Italians are very similar.

Of course, you'll never hear any Italian saying that.

Both have generous traditions of guilt. Catholic guilt,

which focuses mostly on sex,

and Jewish guilt, which deals mainly in food.

Marlene, little Ralphie won't eat vegetables?

A billion chinamen are starving,

and this meshuggeneh says he doesn't like anything green!

My father's side of the family is huge

because he had 5 sisters who all had children,

which made for lots of cousins,

and lots of birthdays, and holidays, and Sundays.

Good old days.

I used to be like this to the underboss of the Gambino family.

He's the guy who made Big Paul.

Shut the hell up, Tommy!

You're about as connected as a phone with an unpaid bill!

Oh, you're a liar! You always have been a liar!

Little Ralphie, women are the downfall of all men in this world.

Little Ralph, get your hand out of your trousers!

What, he should be different from all the other men in the family?

[Knocking]

What took you so long?

You're the one who wanted to do this.

Let's hurry, before someone catches us.

- Ok, you first. - No, you.

♪ I must be getting on ♪

♪ I've got to go cross-town ♪

♪ towards the seagull sound and the freighters ♪

♪ I must meet the alligator ♪

♪ so, I said, all right, man ♪

♪ whatever you say ♪

♪ and I was on my way ♪

"M&M's make friends", huh?

Tagline of the century.

You're really not well.

Ok, ok, enough about me for a while.

Uh-oh.

Tell me about your first sexual experience.

Well, ok.

I met this guy freshman year at orientation.

And, um, we took this hiking class together.

It was one of those one-credit deals, you know?

And, uh, and the whole class is taking a hike in the woods,

and he started reading aloud from Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

It's one of the great books in history.

It was romantic.

Anyway, um, so we ended up sharing a tent, and...

So, were you guys friends afterwards?

Well, actually, we went out for 3 years.

Whoa.

And what happened?

I don't know. I guess we just grew in different directions.

But, um, we still talk.

What do you mean? You're just, like, friends?

Like, hey, buddy?

What, you don't have any friends that are women?

No, I do. It's...

But I still sleep with them.

Well, wouldn't it be nice just to hang out with a woman

without the specter of sex hanging over your heads all the time?

It is nice.

The Avocate, huh? That's a great magazine.

- You a dyke? - Uh...

A gay woman.

Are you one?

'Cause you're obviously not a gay man.

That's true.

No, I'm a writer.

You write for The Advocate?

No, I write for myself.

Then what the hell do you know

about a magazine for gay men and women?

Well, actually, I'm in advertising.

And we deal with a lot of magazines.

Oh, you're an image maker.

You should probably consider killing yourself.

If you're nice, I might put you in one of my ads.

Great.

I thought you said you were a writer.

Uh, sort of.

Thinking about becoming one.

You a dyke?

Sort of.

I'm thinking about becoming one.

I never thought of sexual orientation as a maybe, kind of, sort of thing.

Yeah, well, I'm definitely changing something.

Well, how about something normal, like your overalls...

I think I'm gonna change my name.

To what?

Rex.

- Rex what? - No, just Rex.

Yeah.

Uh, well, I think maybe you should start

with something a little more low-key, like your hairstyle.

Actually, I was thinking about shaving it off.

Rex it is.

I think you should stick with Rex.

- You think so? - Yeah.

Do you want to go take a walk or something?

With you?

No, just did you want to go walking...

[Laughs] Yeah, with me.

Uh, I haven't finished my coffee. So...

Well, that's the great thing about the solo plastic cup.

You can just go outside with it.

All right.

I guess.

- Ok. - Ok.

Let's go.

I was serious about the ad.

I mean, you've got this great downtown-y misanthropic

kind of look about you.

- Ooh, big word. - Thanks.

Ah, fresh oysters. Hey.

Do you like oysters?

No, I don't really get into putting wet,

living, slurpy, slimy things in my mouth.

Guess you don't eat pussy, then.

I could.

Bag it.

Come on...

No, you come on, brother. Bag it.

Ok, ok.

What do you need, a crane?

Well...

I can only come from getting head, anyway, so...

And I'm having my period.

Wait, wait. And you want me to go down on you?

Yeah, so?

You have your period.

My girlfriend does it all the time, you little sissy Mary.

[Groans]

Sounds like a real badass.

I like her.

I could set up a rendezvous.

My place?

You wish.

Hey, it was worth a shot, you know.

You are really not...

Not well.

You keep saying that.

What's not well about me?

My life rocks.

I got everything I want.

I got a great job.

I make tons of money.

I get laid every night.

Ralph, you don't have to get so defensive.

I was only kidding.

Well, I'm not being defensive.

It's just that you're always judging me...

Saying "you're really not well."

You know, everything is fine.

Look at me. Last night,

I converted a lesbian to heterosexuality.

My life is sick.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

I...

No, it's...

Forget it.

I'm sorry.

Let's go back to work.

Did you, uh, get those figures on the...

Um... Wonder Camp thing?

You're right.

I'm a sick...

Sick bastard.

Ralph...

Are you ok?

I mean, if you're not comfortable talking to me,

then maybe you should think about talking to somebody else.

What, like a shrink?

Thank you very much, but I don't believe in that crap.

[Sighs]

[Whispering] Oh, man.

What would a...

What would a man's man do?

You know, what would Gary Cooper do?

The Coop woke up in the morning,

he looked in the mirror,

he knew exactly who he was looking at, you know?

None of this "Where am I,

what am I doing?

I'm so not satisfied in my job" nineties psychobabble.

[Sighs]

Here's a guy who woke up in the morning

and shaved with one of them horsehair brushes

and a straight-edge razor, and didn't even flinch.

None of those toilet paper blood clots on his neck

when he went out to get the bad guys.

Just a sureness of purpose

that came from knowing who he was.

How does that make you... Feel?

Ha ha.

That's very funny.

Mr. Gigant-ey.

Well, it's Gagante,

but you can call me Ralph.

Would you like some coffee, Ralph?

I don't drink coffee.

Doesn't drink coffee.

Why are you writing that down?

I write everything down.

Smoke?

No. Girls don't like it.

Uh, I don't smoke.

Oh.

So, what can I do for you?

Uh... Well...

I lead a very promiscuous sexual life,

and a friend of mine,

I was telling her how great my life is,

how I have all these great clothes and a great car

and a great life.

And while I was telling her, I was...

depressed...

To say the least.

So she said maybe you should go talk to somebody.

So here I am,

seeing if maybe you can help me.

How old are you, Mr. Gigant-ey?

27.

And how many women would you estimate

you've had sexual relations with in your life?

Uh...

I don't know. Hundreds.

What do you want that you don't have?

I have sex all the time with these women,

these women whose names I don't know.

And what I really want from life

is a... is a woman who's gonna love me,

to start a family, to have kids.

And I can't see that happening

living the way I am.

Why, are you miserable now?

Yeah, I'm miserable.

You suicidal?

Uh, no.

Are you aware of a clinical term "satyriasis?"

Sounds like a skin disease.

Foreskin, maybe.

- Heh. - What are you laughing at?

Do you feel that this sexual compulsion of yours,

um...

Interferes with your work life?

I get laid at night,

and I take the experience I had

and I translate it into some kind of advertisement.

And, uh, I don't know...

Sex sells.

In other words, you've learned how to...

Sublimate.

We call it, uh, subliminal advertising.

But you mean like Freudian slips or...

There's no such thing as a Freudian slip.

It's your capacity to sublimate

that has made you so succ-sexual.

Successful?

That's what I said.

You're a scary man.

This session has come to a conclusion, Mr. Gigant-ey.

No, no, what do you mean?

I would suggest that you go outside

and make an appointment with my receptionist

to come in in a couple of days

and lie on the couch.

Dating within the business

is definitely a career no-no.

They won't take you seriously.

Well, I know that.

But how the hell else am I gonna meet guys

with any kind of money in their pockets?

I don't have time to use my vibrator...

[Laughs] Much less, you know, go out trolling.

Mmm.

Hey, look, there's Peter.

You want to ask him to join us?

[Giggling] Hey, Peter!

[Whispering[ Would you stop that?

- No! - What?

This guy has been asking me out every day for the past 7 months.

So go out with him.

He seems like a nice enough guy.

Oh, please.

He's not smarmy enough for me.

What about Ralphie boy?

Ew.

Oh, come on. I think he really likes you.

Ralph likes all women.

Yeah, so you might be the one to change him.

Maybe, but...

You know how I feel about...

Guys and work, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You told me a thousand times already.

My job is important to me, you know?

I can depend on it.

Well, I mean, that's... That's cool, Elizabeth.

But you know, sometimes...

You know, you just... You gotta take a chance.

You never know.

Speaking of taking chances...

And once I've slept with a woman,

I start to notice all her imperfections...

Her moles, her freckles,

the little hair that comes out of the moles.

I mean, it just bothers me.

A common symptom of the...

Casanova...

Falling in love with a fantasy creature

who is finally exposed as human

and thereby loses her appeal.

He's obsessed with physical perfection.

Yeah, but I hold myself to the same standards, you know?

I mean, I work out all the time.

I use Kiehl's facial exfoliates,

Aveda natural hair care products,

elderberry eye gel,

facial masks.

I get manicures, I get pedicures.

I even get my back waxed.

That must be very painful.

Tell me about it. I'm Italian and Jewish.

Twice the hair and the guilt.

Speaking of...

Hair and guilt...

Why don't you tell me about your puberty?

My what?

You did go through puberty?

Yeah.

Would you like to tell me about it?

It was a scary time.

I was very busy.

You think maybe you and I

could sit at lunch together one day?

Sure.

It'd be great. I...

Hi, campers.

My name is Gillian.

For the next 8 weeks, I'm gonna be your counselor.

♪ Felt good just to be alive ♪

Do you want to kiss me, Ralph?

I mean, just for practice?

Yes, please.

[Giggles]

♪ I see no sound ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Your face is like a precious thing ♪ Come on.

Uh, why, Mr., uh, Gigant-ey...

Gagante.

Please do not interrupt me.

Why, uh...

Are you stroking your phallus with your hand?

I don't know. It just... It feels good, you know?

It makes me comfortable.

Yes.

Uh, that is the superficial explanation.

Are you afraid that a woman is going to castrate it

and take it away?

Are you afraid it's going to fall off?

Are you afraid it's just going to vanish one morning

when you wake up?

Why don't you just accept it as a natural appendage

like your foot? - Uh, listen, Dr. Hubbins.

Can we just talk about my problem?

It sounds to me as if you are living...

An almost ideal existence.

You seem to have, uh...

All of the women, available and unavailable,

responding to you.

You have a job that you are fulfilled in

and where you are able to use your personality and express it.

Uh, what more could you want?

What are you here for?

Why do you have a complaint?

Because I'm lonely.

Ok, Dr. Hubbins?

[Bell chiming]

Welcome to the sex addicts recovery program.

My name is Jamie.

For the new members,

please avoid any sexual explicitness

or, uh, salacious accounts of experiences

that may prove stimulating to other members of the group.

And now, let us join hands.

It's ok. I won't bite.

I am powerless over my compulsive sexual behavior.

I desire to become sexually healthy.

I will conquer my sexual addiction.

[Sighs]

Now, who would like to share first?

Hi, my name is John.

And I'm a John.

I would have a different prostitute every day for about 10 years.

Different one every day.

I would have them give me golden showers...

Fudgy wudgy bars...

Please sit down, John.

Um, Debra, would you like to share with us?

Sure.

Hi, my name is Debra,

and I'm addicted to sex.

Mother always told me not to talk to strangers,

so I didn't.

I had sex with them.

All a man had to do was...

Give me a smile or an interested look,

and I would take him back to my apartment

and have sex with him immediately.

Of course, I felt shameful about it afterwards,

so to ease the guilt

I would seek out another sexual experience.

There were days when I would have intercourse,

oral and anal sex, with 5 or 6 different guys.

And then, well, then I'd masturbate myself to sleep.

I want to fuck you so hard right now.

John, please sit down.

Do you have something you'd like to share?

Uh, no.

No. I'm sorry.

Uh...

Good luck.

Debra has developed,

uh, with the help of the group,

her own personal recovery sex plan.

Um, tell us about it, Debra.

My recovery plan says

I have to at least have a cup of coffee with someone,

preferably in a public place,

before I can have sex with them.

Hey, hey.

Listen...

I'm sorry I laughed in there.

I've never done this before.

It's all right.

But I think you should have shared with the group.

Yeah, but I don't know if I'm a sex addict.

I mean, what am I supposed to say?

"Hi, my name is Ralph.

I think I might be a sex addict."

Well, how do you think other people

start their healing process?

You have to talk about it with people who understand.

Like you?

Sure.

Do you want to go grab a cup of coffee?

Well, long live Wonder Camp.

Long live Wonder Camp.

[Glasses clink]

Ok.

So, um...

I guess that's about it.

I've got a meeting with Gallant this afternoon,

so I'll show him all the stuff we finished up.

Hopefully, he'll be pleased.

You want me to come to that meeting?

Um... No.

That's ok. It's just numbers.

- Boring. - Right.

Right.

I guess that's about it.

I guess so.

Are you heading back?

Yeah.

All right.

[Laughs] Let's go.

So...

How's the therapy thing going?

Yeah, it's good.

My shrink suggested group therapy.

It's pretty cool.

I drink too much coffee, though.

What?

Anyway, you think I'm bad?

You should see some of these people.

Oh, I don't think you're bad, Ralph.

Just a little misguided.

Oh. [Giggles]

Watch out.

What?

You're walking over a... a grate.

So what?

So...

What if you fell through?

What are you, my mother?

Don't bring Freud into this.

It's a grate.

It's made of steel and concrete.

Look.

[Laughing] Stop that!

- Heh. - Stop it!

It's not gonna break.

Well, maybe not that one.

But what about that one?

There's, like, 3 million of these things

all over the city.

If I worried about each one,

I'd never get anywhere.

All right, well what about those, um...

Sidewalk basement door thingies?

You know? You just walk right over those, too?

Yup. Heh.

Yup! Well, those can collapse.

I mean, don't you ever worry about hurting yourself?

I take my chances.

All right...

What if I was walking with you

and one of them broke open?

I'd catch you.

But you'd be falling, too.

You're incredible.

You're so...

Passionate and, like, intelligent...

And beautiful.

[Sighs]

You've got some line, Gagante.

It's not a line!

- Oh, come on! - I'm serious.

Admit it. Just... just... Just a little bit.

All right, all right, a little bit of a line.

Yes. But it doesn't mean

I don't mean it.

So you're sincere, but with an agenda.

You know, I'm up for a little more of this ego-deflating banter.

Let's play hooky

and take the rest of the day off.

What did you have in mind?

Love in the afternoon.

What?

I'm... um...

It's a movie.

With Gary Cooper and Audrey Hepburn.

What did you think I was talking about?

Never mind.

[Giggles] Heh.

Uh...

Uh, you want to catch a matinee?

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

- Ok. - Ok.

- Good. - Good.

[Ding] [Laughter]

He who loves and runs away lives to love another day.

Hey, Coop got that right.

Yeah, but Audrey tamed him.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Humble? It's huge.

I need my space, you know?

Oh, well, I'll keep that in mind.

Yeah, you do that.

Is that yours?

Yeah.

Uh, that was my black period.

[Chortles]

Is that Amber?

Uh-huh.

It doesn't even look like her.

Well, it's not supposed to.

But why? She's a beautiful girl.

When I was in Europe, I saw tons of ads with her.

But they looked like her, you know?

Imperfections and all.

Look, Elizabeth,

no woman's gonna buy a bottle of perfume

if the woman identified with it

has beauty marks all over her chest.

But Ralph, that's why they call them beauty marks,

because they augment the reality,

the beauty of the person,

the individual.

And when you do a photo essay

for The New York Times magazine section

you can put beauty marks and moles and hairs all over it.

But in the meantime...

Leave the selling to me.

But what you're selling there is empty dreams.

Look, Elizabeth, people want perfection.

I want to have that bottle of perfume

because I want to have that perfect woman.

But you can't have that perfect woman, Ralph.

She does not exist.

I know. That's why I'm hanging out with you.

[Chuckles] Oh, thanks a lot.

Hey, you're welcome.

I am not going to bed with you.

[Elizabeth laughing]

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait!

Condom.

Come on.

Get an AIDS test, and then we'll talk.

Aw, it'd be so nice...

Not to use one.

Ok, then I'll have babies,

and you can marry me,

and we can move to the suburbs.

Ok, I think I have a condom

right here in my wallet. [Laughs]

Oh, fuck!

[Sighs]

I'm sorry.

I, uh...

Hey...

It's ok.

Come here, Gagante.

Mmm.

[Telephone rings]

[Rings]

[Beep]

[On answering machine] Hey, kid. Gallant.

Good news!

Your take on the safe case spot,

they love it!

And the broad in the perfume ad...

Uh... Amber!

Yeah, Amber. They want her, kid.

So tomorrow, 8:00, you and her,

[laughing] Face to face.

Think you can handle it?

[Beep]

[Sighs]

I guess she does exist after all.

[Laughs softly]

[Sighs]

Ok, just be cool. Be cool.

Hey, uh...

You're... it's Amber, right?

Right. Amber.

A-m-b-e-r?

Right.

I don't, uh...

Ok.

[Sighs]

Oh, boy.

Just business.

Just take care of business.

You're a businessman, do your business.

Ralph?

- Amber. - Right.

I have worshipped you from afar,

but up until that moment,

until I met you just now,

I didn't know how beautiful...

Order me a drink. I'm gonna hit the fucking bathroom.

Ok.

Yeah.

[Jazzy hip-hop music playing]

Yeah, this place is really superfly.

Sorry.

Too bad all these male models

only dig each other, you know? Heh heh heh.

Who the fuck told you that bullshit?

♪ I like the way she dances ♪

♪ She makin' me hot ♪

♪ She got that look on her face ♪

♪ Real serious ♪

♪ Rut delirious at the same time ♪

♪ That waistline keepin' up her back side ♪

♪ Moving that ass at a slow grind against me ♪

♪ And I can feel the heat on my thigh ♪

♪ As I grind a little closer ♪

♪ Starin' deep in her eye ♪

♪ Then I start to go down ♪ - Hey!

♪ And I'm lookin' at the promised land ♪

♪ I know why she's winkin' ♪

♪ She know what I'm thinkin' ♪

♪ I wanna lick her like I'm eatin' a peach ♪

- Hello? ♪ With the juice drippin' down to my chin ♪

♪ With my fingers in ♪

♪ I'll kiss it where some brothers won't even ♪

♪ No, you're not dreamin' ♪

♪ To me, it tastes like ♪

♪ Candy ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I'm-a lick you all night long ♪

Heh heh heh.

You're lookin' really phat.

Dope.

Um... Could I get a...

Screaming...

Bloody Orgasm?

What?

It's a drink.

♪ Yeah, what ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Alexander and I'm on to my game ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ DJ Yugo on the wheels and ♪

Thanks.

♪ Candy ♪

♪ That? Come on, baby ♪

♪ I'm-a lick you all night long ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm gonna suck you ♪

♪ Till all the flavor's gone ♪

Ralphie poo!

Monica!

Hey!

How you doing?

Question is who you're doing.

And tonight it's me, stud boy.

Ok!

[New song begins]

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh.

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up ♪

So, Monica, darling, how the hell are you?

It's all good.

♪ Givin' it up I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up for you ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

Keep the change.

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it givin' it all up for you ♪

Heh. I'm taking you out of here.

Oh.

[Sniffs]

Where's my drink?

One Ketel one Martini.

[Sniffs]

You need a vacuum for that?

Heh.

We'll make a hipster out of you yet, Gagante.

[Violin music on television]

Oh, this is Love in the afternoon with Gary Cooper.

Oh, this is great.

This is the part where the gypsies come on.

They, uh...

They're always coming in with these violins,

and doing this weird thing.

[Clicks station]

They're showing Prada next.

Oh.

That's kind of like that ad I did for that fucked up perfume.

What was it called? Um... "Scent".

You, uh, you wrote that one, right?

Yeah, I won an award...

Uh, can... could you excuse me for one second?

Mmm.

Mind if I scope the rest of your crib?

Uh, no, yeah. I mean, let me just clean up for a sec.

[Hip-hop music playing]

Don't you have a maid?

Uh, yeah. She's in bucatini for the week.

What are you so embarrassed about?

Uh, nothing, I'm a messy guy.

You don't wanna look in there.

Oh, Ralph. Holy shit.

You have my picture hanging on your wall.

Yeah.

That's so...

Flattering.

Mmm.

I just want to fucking rape you.

- Mmm. - Whoa!

[Moans]

[Moaning]

[Moans]

[Giggles]

Wait, wait, wait.

Is something wrong?

I think I'm in love with someone else.

[Giggles]

Let's not ruin the moment worrying about that.

[Moans]

Mmm.

[Moaning]

Here I am,

inside the hottest supermodel around,

who I've waited my whole life for.

I mean...

My ideal woman.

And she's riding me like a hobby horse.

I mean, up and down,

up and down...

Up and down.

And all I can think about is Elizabeth.

Does anyone have anything to say to Ralph?

John.

You are the greatest man on the face of the earth.

Sit down, John.

Um...

Anyone have anything helpful to tell Ralph?

Yes, I do.

I think you should consider celibacy.

What? What are you talking about?

Celibacy!

We need this man.

He's the maestro.

John...

Debra, would you care to elaborate on that?

Total abstinence.

That's what celibacy is.

No kissing, no touching,

no pornography,

no masturbation,

nothing.

No acting out.

No sex of any kind.

It's ridiculous.

[Telephone rings] Hey.

Hey. Heh.

Um...

Mmm.

Look, I gotta tell you something.

Ok.

Uh, the other night was really great.

And I think...

Well, I think there's something here.

I feel the same way, and, um...

Well...

So I think we should be honest with each other.

Well, yeah. So do I.

So...

I slept with Amber.

[Echoing] You son of a bitch.

I knew you'd never change.

Fuck off.

[Head rattles]

Forget about it. It's really not that big a deal.

No, tell me, because then I'll think about it

and wonder, so...

All right. Ok.

Working and creating here, kiddies, or what?

Yeah.

You are a redwood, Ralph Gagante.

I am so sore I can barely walk.

Hello, I'm Amber.

I'm outta here.

Ok, hoover-babe, you've got a face-to-face

in 5 minutes with the CEO of the universe.

Ciao, bello.

"For my coop."

At meetings, I get a lot of things I need.

Several forms of love, a lot of healthy hugs,

and a safe place to break all secrets.

I just came here to pick up chicks.

Is that bad?

I've decided that Debra's right.

The only chance for me to have the life that I want,

to be true to the woman I love is...

To become celibate for a while.

Good for you.

Why not create a regular

recovery program like Debra's?

I mean, something like

you can't have sex with someone

until you at least know their name?

No. I've made my decision.

♪ I was taken by the hand ♪

♪ And led through the garden of my life ♪

♪ And everyone's still there ♪

♪ Even though they cannot share all their time ♪

♪ Oh, no, it can't be so ♪

[Telephone ringing]

Elizabeth Brenner.

Hey, Claire, what's up?

Can you hold for a sec, Claire? Thanks.

♪ Oh, no, we didn't know ♪

♪ We all were messing with the scary skull ♪

Hi. What's going on?

♪ I was taken by the hand ♪

♪ And led through the garden of my life ♪

♪ Sitting on the deck around 10:00 ♪

♪ Keeping it down, don't want to wake your mom up ♪

♪ By cigarette flicker, put the Marley on ♪

♪ How we gonna deal when the sun is gone? ♪

♪ Mess around with a rifle, us rich kids got a lot ♪

♪ of questions ♪

♪ Oh, no, it can't be so ♪

♪ I totaled your van on river road ♪

♪ Oh, no, we didn't know ♪

♪ We all were messing with the scary skull ♪

♪ Oh, no, it can't be so ♪

♪ We dodged the past the whole way home ♪

♪ Oh, no, we didn't know ♪

♪ We all were messing with the scary skull ♪

♪ Da da la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

Thanks.

Nice place.

Yeah, tavern on the green was booked, so...

This is... this is fine.

- Here you go. - Oh, thanks.

So, what's up?

I've become celibate.

[Laughs]

No, I'm serious.

I'm giving up sex.

Ok, why are you telling me this?

Because I'm doing it to show you that I can make a change.

That I can control myself and my urges.

That I can make a sacrifice for you.

Ralph, I don't want to be someone that you feel

you have to sacrifice who you are for.

That's not who I am.

I hope there's a little more to me than just sex.

What do you want me to say?

I don't know. I thought you'd be a little more supportive than this.

I'm doing it for you.

Because, uh...

I love you.

Ralph, do you even know what that means?

I mean, I don't even know if I know what that means.

But I know you shouldn't have to work so hard for it, you know?

It should be something you just... Feel.

It is. Look, love takes work.

Once I prove to you that I can resist other women,

you'll see that I can be faithful.

Look, Ralph, you're missing the point.

I mean, so, you don't have sex with anyone

for... for a week, a month, a year.

But I'll know what you're always thinking.

We'll both know what you're always thinking.

I mean, do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

I can't...

I won't live like that.

Once I go through this, you won't have to.

But it would make it a whole lot easier if I had you with me.

Ralph, look, I care about you.

And, God, you have got so much going for you.

But I think this is something that you have to do for yourself.

And by yourself.

Gagante. I used to say Gigante sometimes.

He corrected me on that very quickly.

Nice Italian boy.

Oh, here he is. Here he is.

Good morning.

Our business, gentlemen and ladies,

is the interpretation of dreams.

What you are about to see is the 30-second spot of our dreams.

And your competitor's nightmares.

[Birds chirping]

[Violin music playing]

The Safe Case from Spartan.

We've been doing this for a long time.

We want you to be doing it for a long time, too.

What the hell was that?

This has absolutely nothing to do

with the work you showed us to win our business.

I'm really disappointed.

Sorry, Ralph.

What the hell happened to the half-naked pre-teens?

The MTV avant-garde montage-y crap?

What the fuck is going on here?

We're stepping on our own dicks here, people.

Kid, my office. Face to face.

Jesus Christ, fucking swans.

I liked the swans.

Sit!

Major fuck-up in there, kid.

Major fuck-up.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to cure an addiction to sex,

and I've been celibate for 28 days, 17 hours, 32 minutes, 45 seconds.

Celibate?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Your sex drive is the main reason

you shot to the top of the corporate ladder.

I know, but I'm trying to change that.

Listen, kid.

Sex sells. You are sex personified. You understand that?

But unless you start using that again,

you are nada to me, creatively.

Well, I guess I'm just growing up is all.

No more games.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's all games, kid.

Anybody who tries to tell you different is full of horseshit.

Women... women play a game all the time.

It's called squash.

They will squash whatever it is that gives you strength.

In your case, it happens to be your fucking schlong.

They know that. Without that, you're nothing.

I know what you're talking about, Jonathan,

but for a second,

imagine a world with ads that don't have a nipple shot,

that are artful and innovative,

that don't cater to people's libidos.

Can you see that?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Do you think what we do here is selling out? Is that it?

A little.

Let me tell you something, kid!

This happens to be real life!

Sex, money, and power.

That's all that counts in the world.

No, I don't think so.

You're the best I ever had, kid.

But, pending a major change in your sex life...

And I mean a major change...

You are hereby...

On extended leave.

What?

That's right.

No chicks, no checks.

Get the fuck out of here.

All right, all right,

so I got baby on the dryer, right, and I'm working it.

Doing my best work. All of a sudden, she starts screaming,

"Put in a quarter! Put in a quarter!"

And I'm thinking, I ain't got no change.

- I mean, I got a token... - All right, look, Kevin,

could you do me a favor?

Could we not talk about sex tonight?

Wait a minute. Hold on. He didn't have any change.

No change, but I'm still working her. It's not gonna stop me.

No, no, no.

I'm serious.

For one night, we can just not talk about sex,

or relationships, or women at all?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, we can talk about anything.

We can talk about something else.

We can... Hit this doobie.

- Right? - Yes!

- Yes! - Give me some of that.

You know, I don't know why I need women

when I got Chunky Sticky Monkey.

You know, actually, Cosmo had a really interesting article

about that. They had, like, 5 guys who had given up sex...

Whoa! Whoa! Ok.

Peter, what's the deal with you and these women magazines?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up with that?

I mean, it's just... I mean, they're good, you know?

Y-you can occasionally glean a good tip on... on women from them.

They're good.

Do they work?

Uh... No.

But, uh, well, ok, like, for example,

I had that date with Claire the other night, right?

And, uh, and things got a little hairy.

I mean, pun intended.

Shave her. I bet she'd dig it.

No, no, no. That actually wasn't the problem.

It was that, well, like, she wanted me to go down on her.

And this was a problem for you?

No. No, no, no. It was just that I'm not sure if, uh,

if what I did worked.

Worked?

Well, no, you know. I mean, you know what I mean.

I mean, I... I... I don't know if I have a technique, you know?

I mean, it's kind of a mess down there.

- Seriously. - Oh, sure.

And I don't know what I'm doing, really.

Oh, you've never done it before?

No, it's just that I... I've done it

lots of times, just not with...

- A woman. - No!

Ok, fuck you. Ok? All right, now I'm trying to talk...

I'm sorry, Mr. Sensitive.

And you're being an asshole about it...

- I'm sorry. - And I don't want your advice.

Ok. Ok!

Ask Ralph, he's the resident expert.

- Yeah. - No, I'm sorry. Not anymore.

Oh, come on. Seriously, help me out.

No, look, guys, you know, to each his own.

You have your little thing,

which I'm sure is pretty strange,

and you got yours.

Let's just keep it that way.

I finally went out with Peter.

Yeah? How did it go?

Hmm. I don't know.

Well, what did you do?

Well... I gave him head.

Oh, cut to the chase, why don't you, Claire?

That's the best part, babe.

You are unbelievable.

What? You act like it's a tragedy or something.

No, but have you ever thought about maybe

establishing just a little emotional intimacy?

Hey, maybe get to know the guy.

I did. In the biblical sense.

Claire...

What? I like doing it. I happen to be very good at it.

Wait, wait, wait.

You know how Peter's always quoting

Vogue and Bazaar, and all those magazines?

I saw this back issue in his bathroom,

and it's folded back to this article called,

"Head games: show him how to do it, and you both win."

I felt really bad for him

especially since he has absolutely no experience with women.

Better no experience than the entire metropolitan area.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Ralph.

Oh, you've got that boy on the brain, girlfriend.

Yeah.

Oh. So, you like him?

Pretty stupid, huh?

Why? Because of the whole thing with women?

Let me tell you something. All men have that thing with women.

Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. I just...

I don't buy that.

There must be something about him.

He's obviously on your mind.

[Sighs]

I can't take this any more, man.

I've been celibate for I don't know how long.

You need to get laid. Like, a lot.

He's right. Get this out of your system.

You should have as much sex in as short a period of time

as you possibly can.

It'd be tough for you to break your own record.

But I think you should try.

You gotta get out of this celibate mode.

Find yourself a willing honey

to release all this stress into.

Or onto. As the case may be.

No, I... I can't even look at other women.

You've been thinking about Elizabeth, huh?

- Why do you speak? - What did I say?

No, it's ok. Peter's right.

I think about Elizabeth all the time.

Then call her, man. I'm sure she'll take you back.

She wouldn't take me back.

She hates me. She hates my work.

She thinks I'm a superficial, misogynistic,

chauvinistic, philandering pig.

You are.

You were.

Thanks.

It has, like, um, this big romantic ending, right?

And there's this part where...

Where Gary Cooper pulls Audrey Hepburn onto the train.

And, uh, and I look over at Ralph, and, uh,

and he's, like, crying. You know?

And he wasn't even trying to hide it, you know? He just...

Oh, God.

You should've seen him at Wonder Camp, you know?

He just... he's just got this way with kids, right.

There's this little girl, this adorable little girl,

and he got right down on his knees,

and, uh, she had broken her doll.

And he made her this new doll...

And, um, and the way...

The way he opens doors for me.

You know? It just... it makes me feel so good.

And, um...

Shh.

He's trying so hard to change for you, Elizabeth.

Well, he had...

Has such a...

Natural affection for women.

Well, that's exactly it, right?

That is exactly the best and the worst thing about him.

Well, honey, you could give him the benefit of the doubt.

Well, I tried.

But?

But I never felt like I could trust him, you know?

Well...

They say cream rises to the top.

He might surprise you.

Some men can actually change for the right woman.

Claire, you can't change someone that much.

Besides, I mean, why would he want to change

when the whole world is telling him that the way he is

is exactly the way to be?

♪ Baby ♪

♪ What you been doin'? ♪

♪ Maybe tryin' to run my life ♪

♪ Eunnin' around askin' questions ♪

♪ Is it worth the price? ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe ♪

♪ Want to know what I'm thinkin' ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ I see it in your smile ♪

♪ Your sweet words won't fool me any longer ♪

♪ Although they did for a while ♪

♪ 'Cause it's about faith ♪

♪ And it's about trust ♪

♪ And it's about all the things that you dream of ♪

♪ And it's about love ♪

♪ And it's about time ♪

♪ And it's about all the things you hide inside your mind ♪

[French accent] I have a photographer for 10 years.

And this, uh, this, uh, enfant

tries to tell me how to do my work.

And then, Elle,

may I call you Elle?

The booking agent takes her aside and shows her my work

in Vogue, Appeal, Cosmo.

Andre, can you, um,

wait right here for a second?

- I'll be right back. - Certainly, Elle.

I will be anxiously awaiting your return.

Can I get you something?

[New York accent] Yeah, I'll take a Bud.

- Peter, hi. - Elizabeth.

- Hey, what's up? - Nothing.

- How you doing? - Good. Good.

Hey, uh, can I meet you at the restaurant?

- Yeah, sure. - Ok. Great.

Hey, can you get me an ice water?

One of the tall glasses, not the small ones.

- Well, you look great. - Thank you very much.

You know, Ralph totally set me up.

He talked Gallant into giving me his old job.

- Well, that's great. - Yeah.

Yeah, how about you? What are you up to?

Actually, I'm working at a smaller boutique agency

right by the office. It's, uh...

Gives me a little more freedom, you know? So, um...

How is Ralph? Is he...

- Good. Good. - Yeah?

Yeah, he's good.

- Good. Good. - Yeah.

What's he up to?

He is up to some of his own stuff.

Working on his own.

- Ok. - Yeah.

Well, actually, I should probably get going.

- Yeah, me, too. - Ok.

You know what? You should, um,

you should take a look at this.

What is it?

It's some of Ralph's new work.

I think you'll get a kick out of it.

Ok.

- Take care, Peter. - Take care.

Bye.

Yes!

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Why do I want every single one of these women?!

Kid...

It's a snatch-22.

You love women,

and they hate you for it.

Honey, if you were a woman, you'd be called a nymphomaniac.

Aw, yeah.

I think it has to do with down inside every woman there is,

like, this psychological basement area.

Every man wants the perfect woman.

It's like a box, and inside of it are a couple of things

that we want, like a bike or a mitt.

Men are always looking for something better.

We're trying to get down into the basement.

Who's down there? Why is it so dark and cold?

It's human nature.

Guys just want to spread their seed.

Women still remember the first kiss

after men have forgotten the last.

It's all about propagating the species.

If you weren't out ballin' so much,

the human race as we know it would be finished.

Every woman has something different to offer.

Short women, tall women, fat women, dumb women,

bright women, quick women, sluggish women.

They're all different. They're all special.

They're all unique.

They all inspire.

Listen, Ralphie,

you will always be attracted to many women.

You just have to find one woman who you love.

And to betray her would destroy you.

Respect. Menschkeit!

Falling in love. That's the answer?

It always was, and it always will be.

Think about it. Oh!

Good-bye, Ralphie.

Thanks, grandma.

"And what will happen? What do you think? When cream...

Through the screen gives peaches a wink."

What? How?

A cat named Peaches and a dog named Cream

get lost in the city trying to find each other.

Oh my God.

Ralph, a children's book.

It is incredible.

But, I just...

I don't get the ending.

Why doesn't Cream just

break through the screen

and go get Peaches?

I wasn't sure if you...

I mean, Cream wasn't sure if Peaches

would have him.

Dog that he is.

You, Ralph, are the cream in my coffee.

And you are definitely a peach.

You know, it's been a pretty long time

since I, uh...

The next one should be a doozie, then, huh?

I think so.

So, uh, maybe you should play hooky. Take the rest of the day off.

Well, what did you have in mind?

Maybe a little love in the afternoon.

Wait, the movie or...

- Oh. - Hey.

Ow!

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Driving me crazy ♪

♪ With all those things you do ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ By the way that you walk that walk ♪

♪ And the way that you talk that talk ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Your moves amaze me ♪

♪ Say why don't you come over and shake it for me, honey ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ By the way that your eyes move to the floor when I look at you ♪

♪ Baby, won't you be mine? ♪

♪ If I could have you one time ♪

♪ You know I'm the one for you ♪

♪ I'll never stop you from being you ♪

♪ I'll let you do your own thing ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ You drive me crazy ♪

♪ And I can't live without you ♪

♪ I'll never, ever doubt you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ Now that you know the way ♪

♪ I can make your body shiver ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Your eyes amaze me ♪

♪ I swear I can see your soul every time we make love when I look at you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ By the way that you hold me ♪

♪ You know my love is true ♪

♪ Baby, won't you be mine? ♪

♪ If I could have you one time ♪

♪ You know I'm the one for you ♪

♪ I'll never stop you from being you ♪

♪ I'll let you do your own thing ♪

♪ Baby, won't you be mine? ♪

♪ If I could have you one time ♪

♪ You know I'm the one for you ♪

♪ I'll never stop you from being you ♪

♪ I'll let you do your own thing ♪