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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,826 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:32,051 (SONG PLAYING IN HINDI) 3 00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:47,100 (WIND WHOOSHING) 4 00:03:02,217 --> 00:03:04,884 Kinda lonesome back here. 5 00:03:04,886 --> 00:03:07,654 (MUMBLING) (GRUNTS) Yeah, little help. 6 00:03:07,656 --> 00:03:12,592 Okay, um, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 7 00:03:12,594 --> 00:03:13,793 (CONTINUES GRUNTING) 8 00:03:13,795 --> 00:03:16,029 Excuse me. Whoo! 9 00:03:16,031 --> 00:03:17,864 (CHUCKLES) Ah, Dopinder. 10 00:03:17,866 --> 00:03:19,933 Pool. Dead. 11 00:03:21,203 --> 00:03:22,669 Hmm, nice. 12 00:03:23,705 --> 00:03:24,838 DOPINDER: Smells good, no? 13 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,873 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 14 00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,875 Ah, yes. Gita. 15 00:03:28,877 --> 00:03:30,810 Hmm. She is quite lovely. 16 00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:33,146 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 17 00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:35,215 But, um... 18 00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:38,985 Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 19 00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:42,722 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 20 00:03:43,925 --> 00:03:45,892 Dopinder, I'm starting to think 21 00:03:45,894 --> 00:03:47,827 there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 22 00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:49,562 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 23 00:03:49,564 --> 00:03:54,567 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 24 00:03:54,569 --> 00:03:55,969 When you find it, the whole world 25 00:03:55,971 --> 00:03:57,237 tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 26 00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:58,571 (DOPINDER GRUNTS) 27 00:03:58,573 --> 00:04:00,673 So you gotta hold onto love... 28 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:01,975 ...tight! Ah. 29 00:04:01,977 --> 00:04:03,510 And never let go. 30 00:04:03,512 --> 00:04:04,978 Don't make the same mistakes I did. 31 00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:07,748 Got it? Yeah. 32 00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:10,517 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 33 00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,852 (STUTTERS) Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 34 00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:15,855 Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. Okay, enough. 35 00:04:15,857 --> 00:04:18,791 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 36 00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,894 Hmm, it's bad. 37 00:04:20,896 --> 00:04:23,730 Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 38 00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:25,832 Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 39 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:28,268 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 40 00:04:28,270 --> 00:04:29,969 I've been waiting one year, three weeks... 41 00:04:29,971 --> 00:04:31,938 six days and, oh... 42 00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,274 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 43 00:04:35,911 --> 00:04:38,211 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 44 00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:39,746 This shit... 45 00:04:40,882 --> 00:04:41,948 Boo! 46 00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:45,084 (CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING) 47 00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:01,868 (SIGHS) 48 00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:03,970 They won't disappoint. 49 00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,306 They'd better not. 50 00:05:06,308 --> 00:05:08,875 And what about next month's shipment? 51 00:05:08,877 --> 00:05:10,610 There won't be one. 52 00:05:10,612 --> 00:05:12,252 You're not the only one with a war to win. 53 00:05:13,315 --> 00:05:14,881 That won't do. 54 00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,286 See, we've had this small disruption 55 00:05:20,288 --> 00:05:21,754 to our supply chain... 56 00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:23,256 (CHOKING) 57 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,794 We'd appreciate your patience. 58 00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:31,764 (GRUNTS) Okay. 59 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:34,233 We'll deliver in full the following month. 60 00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:36,235 (GASPING) 61 00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:39,019 Pleasure doing business with you. 62 00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:44,611 Fucking mutant. 63 00:05:45,614 --> 00:05:47,614 (ENGINES ROARING) 64 00:05:54,356 --> 00:05:56,022 Oh, shit! 65 00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,824 I forgot my ammo bag. 66 00:05:57,826 --> 00:05:58,992 Shall we turn back? 67 00:05:58,994 --> 00:06:00,360 No, no time. 68 00:06:00,362 --> 00:06:02,061 Fuck it. I got this. 69 00:06:02,063 --> 00:06:05,365 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 70 00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:06,699 Right here! (GRUNTS) 71 00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,368 (TIRES SCREECHING) 72 00:06:08,370 --> 00:06:11,070 That's, uh, $27.50. 73 00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:12,872 I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 74 00:06:12,874 --> 00:06:14,741 Ruins the lines of my suit. 75 00:06:14,743 --> 00:06:15,875 Oh. But, uh, 76 00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,210 how about a crisp high five? 77 00:06:17,212 --> 00:06:18,344 Okay. 78 00:06:18,346 --> 00:06:21,014 Merry Christmas. 79 00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:24,150 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 80 00:06:24,152 --> 00:06:27,720 ♪ Hey, yeah I wanna shoop, baby 81 00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:30,690 (WADE SINGING) ♪ Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop 82 00:06:30,692 --> 00:06:32,659 ♪ Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 83 00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,694 ♪ You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 84 00:06:34,696 --> 00:06:37,330 ♪ Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 85 00:06:37,332 --> 00:06:39,899 ♪ Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 86 00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:42,101 ♪ If looks could kill you would be an uzi 87 00:06:42,103 --> 00:06:43,736 ♪ You're a shotgun, bang! ♪ 88 00:06:43,738 --> 00:06:45,338 Wha... Oh! 89 00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:48,775 Oh, hello. I know, right? 90 00:06:48,777 --> 00:06:50,743 Whose balls did I have to fondle 91 00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,378 to get my very own movie? 92 00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,780 I can't tell you, 93 00:06:53,782 --> 00:06:56,249 but it does rhyme with "Polverine." 94 00:06:56,251 --> 00:06:59,102 And let me tell you, 95 00:06:59,103 --> 00:07:01,954 he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 96 00:07:01,956 --> 00:07:06,125 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh... 97 00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:08,928 Bad guys to kill. 98 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,697 (POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 99 00:07:14,202 --> 00:07:15,268 Maximum effort. 100 00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:20,373 (GROANS) 101 00:07:22,744 --> 00:07:23,943 (GRUNTING) 102 00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:26,379 WADE: Cock shot. 103 00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:30,083 (SCREAMING) 104 00:07:31,319 --> 00:07:32,418 (MOCKINGLY) Ha! 105 00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:34,120 (GRUNTS) 106 00:07:34,122 --> 00:07:36,255 Rich Corinthian leather. 107 00:07:38,159 --> 00:07:40,460 WADE: I'm looking for Francis! 108 00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:42,261 Have you seen this man? (GROANS) 109 00:07:42,263 --> 00:07:44,330 Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. (RADIO STATIONS CHANGING) 110 00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,171 WADE: Ow. Ow! 111 00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:53,272 Yanky, yanky! 112 00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:54,907 (GUN FIRES) (SCREAMS) 113 00:07:55,777 --> 00:07:57,043 (MACHINE GUN FIRING) 114 00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:04,784 (WADE GASPS) (GROANS) 115 00:08:06,054 --> 00:08:07,320 (SCREAMS) 116 00:08:07,322 --> 00:08:08,888 (MAN GROANING) (CAR ACCELERATING) 117 00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:12,024 (GRUNTING) 118 00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:16,796 (TIRES SCREECHING) 119 00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:20,433 (CONTINUES GRUNTING) 120 00:08:22,303 --> 00:08:23,369 (SCREAMING) 121 00:08:24,773 --> 00:08:26,473 (MUFFLED SCREAMING) 122 00:08:26,474 --> 00:08:28,274 WADE: I've never said this, but don't swallow. 123 00:08:29,844 --> 00:08:30,910 (MAN GROANING) 124 00:08:31,479 --> 00:08:32,545 (GUN COCKS) 125 00:08:36,885 --> 00:08:38,117 (GRUNTS) 126 00:08:49,397 --> 00:08:51,497 Shit. 127 00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:53,566 Did I leave the stove on? 128 00:08:59,274 --> 00:09:00,339 (THUDS) 129 00:09:03,344 --> 00:09:05,812 (TIRES SCREECHING) 130 00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,885 REPORTER: Now, breaking news. 131 00:09:12,887 --> 00:09:14,954 A multi-car collision turned shots fired 132 00:09:14,956 --> 00:09:16,856 on the crosstown expressway this morning. 133 00:09:16,858 --> 00:09:19,091 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 134 00:09:19,093 --> 00:09:21,561 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 135 00:09:21,563 --> 00:09:23,229 The assailant appears to be armed, 136 00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:24,831 dangerous, and wearing... 137 00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:26,265 a red suit. A red suit. 138 00:09:26,935 --> 00:09:28,167 Deadpool. 139 00:09:28,169 --> 00:09:31,838 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 140 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,273 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Colossus, wait up. 141 00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:37,610 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 142 00:09:37,612 --> 00:09:39,979 but he'd rather act like a child. 143 00:09:39,981 --> 00:09:42,348 A heavily-armed child. 144 00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:46,252 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 145 00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:48,387 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 146 00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,289 The house that blows up every few years? 147 00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:51,390 Please. 148 00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:54,293 House blowing up builds character. 149 00:09:54,295 --> 00:09:56,229 You ate breakfast, yes? 150 00:09:56,231 --> 00:09:59,365 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 151 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:03,636 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 152 00:10:03,638 --> 00:10:06,305 Deadpool may try to break yours. 153 00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:07,907 (JET ENGINE ROARING) 154 00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:14,647 (PEOPLE CLAMORING) 155 00:10:14,649 --> 00:10:16,115 MAN: Get out of the way! 156 00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:17,477 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING AND SCREAMING) 157 00:10:33,401 --> 00:10:35,034 WADE: Hey! Whoo! (GUNS FIRING) 158 00:10:35,036 --> 00:10:36,335 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 159 00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,613 WADE: Wait! 160 00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:49,916 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 161 00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:51,951 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 162 00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:54,420 This guy's got the right idea. 163 00:10:54,422 --> 00:10:55,955 He wore the brown pants. 164 00:10:56,457 --> 00:10:57,657 (GUN FIRING) 165 00:10:57,659 --> 00:11:00,026 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 166 00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:01,594 so you're gonna have to share! 167 00:11:01,596 --> 00:11:03,496 Let's count them down. 168 00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,464 (GUN FIRING) 169 00:11:10,204 --> 00:11:11,270 (GROANING) 170 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,506 (FIRING CONTINUES) 171 00:11:17,979 --> 00:11:19,045 (GROANS) 172 00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,180 (TIRES SCREECHING) 173 00:11:22,717 --> 00:11:24,083 Shit. 174 00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:28,688 Motherfucker! 175 00:11:30,058 --> 00:11:31,190 10! Shit! 176 00:11:31,659 --> 00:11:32,725 Nine. Fuck. 177 00:11:33,194 --> 00:11:34,327 Eight. 178 00:11:34,329 --> 00:11:35,394 Shit-fuck! 179 00:11:35,396 --> 00:11:36,462 (GRUNTS) 180 00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,366 Bad Deadpool. 181 00:11:41,669 --> 00:11:44,070 Seven. Good Deadpool. 182 00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:45,171 (BULLETS RICOCHETING) 183 00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:56,749 (GUN COCKS) 184 00:11:56,751 --> 00:11:58,017 Oh! 185 00:12:03,091 --> 00:12:04,156 (GRUNTS) 186 00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:07,493 (GUN CLICKING) 187 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,934 Someone's not counting. Six. (GROANS) 188 00:12:18,673 --> 00:12:19,739 (GUN FIRING) 189 00:12:20,775 --> 00:12:22,541 (EXPLODING) 190 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:28,414 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 191 00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,016 (MACHINE GUN FIRING) Oh! 192 00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:37,256 (GROANS) Four... 193 00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,324 (GUN FIRES) (GROANS) 194 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,159 Gotcha. 195 00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:41,594 (GRUNTS) 196 00:12:41,596 --> 00:12:43,095 Right up main street. 197 00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:48,134 Three, two! 198 00:12:48,136 --> 00:12:50,102 Stupid! Worth it. 199 00:12:50,638 --> 00:12:52,038 (GUNFIRE CONTINUES) 200 00:13:03,351 --> 00:13:04,717 (GUN FIRES) 201 00:13:05,253 --> 00:13:06,552 (ALL GROANING) 202 00:13:06,554 --> 00:13:08,320 (CLINKS) 203 00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:14,093 (SNIFFING) 204 00:13:14,095 --> 00:13:15,294 Ah! 205 00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:18,431 I'm touching myself tonight. 206 00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,633 Francis! 207 00:13:20,635 --> 00:13:22,101 Francis... 208 00:13:23,805 --> 00:13:26,238 What the shit-biscuit! 209 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,074 Where you at, Francis? 210 00:13:28,509 --> 00:13:29,775 (GROANING) 211 00:13:32,547 --> 00:13:33,612 (GROANING LOUDLY) 212 00:13:36,784 --> 00:13:38,084 You're not Francis. 213 00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,461 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 214 00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:54,834 (GROANS) 215 00:13:58,706 --> 00:14:00,272 WADE: You're probably thinking, 216 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,208 "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 217 00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:03,676 "but that guy in the red suit just turned 218 00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:06,212 "that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 219 00:14:06,214 --> 00:14:10,783 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 220 00:14:10,785 --> 00:14:13,152 And yeah, technically, this is a murder. 221 00:14:13,154 --> 00:14:15,421 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 222 00:14:15,423 --> 00:14:18,491 And that's exactly what this is, a love story. 223 00:14:18,493 --> 00:14:19,859 And to tell it right... 224 00:14:19,861 --> 00:14:22,261 I gotta take you back to long before 225 00:14:22,263 --> 00:14:25,698 I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 226 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,434 MERCHANT: Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? 227 00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:30,803 I didn't order the pizza. 228 00:14:30,805 --> 00:14:34,740 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 229 00:14:34,742 --> 00:14:38,244 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 230 00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:39,411 Then who placed the call? 231 00:14:39,847 --> 00:14:41,380 WADE: I did! 232 00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:42,681 (TOILET FLUSHING) 233 00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,484 Pineapple and olive? 234 00:14:45,486 --> 00:14:48,454 Sweet and salty. 235 00:14:48,456 --> 00:14:49,622 The fuck are you? 236 00:14:49,624 --> 00:14:51,624 The fuck you doing in my crib... 237 00:14:51,626 --> 00:14:52,791 Is it burnt crust? 238 00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:54,727 I... God, I hope not. Um... 239 00:14:54,729 --> 00:14:56,662 Whoa... Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 240 00:14:56,664 --> 00:14:58,931 I told Howie, I told him that... 241 00:14:58,933 --> 00:15:02,935 Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want. 242 00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:05,171 Thanks. 243 00:15:05,173 --> 00:15:06,472 Sir, before you do anything to him, 244 00:15:06,474 --> 00:15:08,207 do you mind if I get a big tip? 245 00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:10,943 (CHUCKLES) Uh, Jeremy, is it? 246 00:15:10,945 --> 00:15:12,578 Umm-hmm. Wade. Wade Wilson. 247 00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:16,682 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 248 00:15:16,684 --> 00:15:18,551 I'm not here for him. 249 00:15:18,553 --> 00:15:20,286 I'm here for you. 250 00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:21,820 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 251 00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:23,589 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 252 00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:26,292 Not out of the woods yet. (GROANS) 253 00:15:26,294 --> 00:15:28,627 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 254 00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,629 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 255 00:15:30,631 --> 00:15:32,865 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 256 00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,767 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 257 00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:37,836 I will shoot your fucking cat! 258 00:15:37,838 --> 00:15:40,639 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 259 00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:42,508 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 260 00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:48,714 Anyhoo, tell me something... 261 00:15:48,716 --> 00:15:52,551 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 262 00:15:52,553 --> 00:15:54,853 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 263 00:15:54,855 --> 00:15:56,589 Getting that right? Orflosky? 264 00:15:56,591 --> 00:15:58,891 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 265 00:16:00,228 --> 00:16:01,493 Because she knows you. 266 00:16:01,495 --> 00:16:03,729 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys 267 00:16:03,731 --> 00:16:05,864 who take a dime to beat a fella down. 268 00:16:05,866 --> 00:16:07,433 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, 269 00:16:07,435 --> 00:16:08,734 but lucky for her... 270 00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:10,769 I got a soft spot. 271 00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:13,272 But I'm a... A stalker. 272 00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:14,740 Threats hurt, Jer. 273 00:16:14,742 --> 00:16:18,410 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 274 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,513 So keep away from Meghan. 275 00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:22,581 Cool? 276 00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:23,749 Yes, sir. 277 00:16:23,751 --> 00:16:25,251 Then we're done. 278 00:16:25,253 --> 00:16:27,353 Wait. (CHUCKLES SLOWLY) We are? 279 00:16:27,355 --> 00:16:29,622 Yeah. We're totally done. (LAUGHS) 280 00:16:29,624 --> 00:16:31,257 You should've seen your face. 281 00:16:31,259 --> 00:16:32,691 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 282 00:16:32,693 --> 00:16:33,826 Soft spot, remember? 283 00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,361 (WHIMPERS) 284 00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,463 You even look in her general direction again... 285 00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:38,964 and you will learn in the worst of ways 286 00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,300 that I have some hard spots too. 287 00:16:43,037 --> 00:16:44,603 That came out wrong. 288 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,872 Or did it? 289 00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:48,774 (WHIMPERING) 290 00:16:48,776 --> 00:16:50,542 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 291 00:16:50,544 --> 00:16:52,278 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 292 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,646 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 293 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,020 Mmm... Meghan? 294 00:17:04,292 --> 00:17:06,012 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 295 00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:08,460 No friggin' way. 296 00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:14,433 Should've brought my roller blades. 297 00:17:14,435 --> 00:17:15,868 Show these kids how it's done. 298 00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:19,471 Oh. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 299 00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,440 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 300 00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,941 I give a guy a pavement facial, 301 00:17:22,943 --> 00:17:24,063 it's because he's earned it. 302 00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:25,978 Hey, wait! 303 00:17:27,648 --> 00:17:28,914 You're my hero. 304 00:17:28,916 --> 00:17:31,583 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 305 00:17:33,087 --> 00:17:35,688 WADE: Nope. Never will be. 306 00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,690 Oh. Fuck you, Wade. 307 00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:41,360 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 308 00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,563 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 309 00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,533 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 310 00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:49,468 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 311 00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:52,037 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 312 00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:55,107 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 313 00:17:55,109 --> 00:17:57,476 Buck! Liefeld... 314 00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:58,744 BUCK: Hey, Wade! 315 00:17:58,746 --> 00:17:59,978 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. 316 00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,847 What can I do for you? 317 00:18:01,849 --> 00:18:03,482 I'd love a Blow Job. 318 00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:04,683 Oh, God, me too. 319 00:18:04,685 --> 00:18:06,819 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 320 00:18:08,489 --> 00:18:10,522 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 321 00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,091 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 322 00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,392 Orlovsky. 323 00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:14,460 Yeah, her. 324 00:18:14,462 --> 00:18:15,894 You sure? Hmm. 325 00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,464 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 326 00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:20,432 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 327 00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,401 Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas. 328 00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,635 Just a little light stalking. 329 00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,371 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 330 00:18:25,373 --> 00:18:27,005 I was traveling to exotic places... 331 00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:29,775 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, 332 00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:31,677 meeting new and exciting people. And then, uh... 333 00:18:31,679 --> 00:18:33,879 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 334 00:18:33,881 --> 00:18:36,415 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 335 00:18:36,417 --> 00:18:37,916 That's classified. 336 00:18:37,918 --> 00:18:40,152 (WHISPERS) They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 337 00:18:40,154 --> 00:18:42,654 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 338 00:18:42,656 --> 00:18:43,922 whipped cream. 339 00:18:43,924 --> 00:18:46,558 I give you a Blow Job. 340 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,926 Why do you make me make that? 341 00:18:47,928 --> 00:18:49,795 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 342 00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,397 Take that over to Buck please, 343 00:18:51,399 --> 00:18:53,165 and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 344 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,634 Remind me what good will come of this? 345 00:18:55,636 --> 00:18:57,703 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 346 00:18:57,705 --> 00:18:59,004 BUCK: Boothe! Oh! 347 00:18:59,006 --> 00:19:00,406 Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up! 348 00:19:00,408 --> 00:19:01,473 What you want? 349 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:02,674 (GRUNTS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) 350 00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:06,879 Cheers. To your health. WEASEL: Fuck you. 351 00:19:06,881 --> 00:19:09,047 BOOTHE: Come here, you fat fuck! 352 00:19:09,049 --> 00:19:10,749 That's a new stool. 353 00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:11,984 (ALL CLAMORING) 354 00:19:15,523 --> 00:19:16,955 BUCK: Stay the fuck down. 355 00:19:16,957 --> 00:19:18,490 (GROANS) 356 00:19:19,627 --> 00:19:21,427 MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out! 357 00:19:21,429 --> 00:19:23,095 WEASEL: All right, move. Move, move, move. 358 00:19:23,097 --> 00:19:24,463 Buck, go rest. 359 00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:27,059 MAN: Boothe got hit then went down. 360 00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:33,472 Yeah, he's still breathing. 361 00:19:33,474 --> 00:19:34,606 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 362 00:19:36,010 --> 00:19:37,643 Nobody wins today. 363 00:19:37,645 --> 00:19:39,445 Nice try, Wade. 364 00:19:39,447 --> 00:19:41,580 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. 365 00:19:41,582 --> 00:19:42,948 Who did you pick? 366 00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:45,150 Yeah, Wade, about that, um... 367 00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:46,685 No. 368 00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:48,620 You did not bet on me to die. 369 00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:53,592 You bet on me to die. Wow! 370 00:19:53,594 --> 00:19:55,461 Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 371 00:19:55,463 --> 00:19:57,696 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 372 00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,832 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 373 00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:02,835 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 374 00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:04,136 I never win anything. 375 00:20:04,138 --> 00:20:05,237 Whatever. 376 00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:06,972 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 377 00:20:07,741 --> 00:20:09,475 (ALL CHEERING) 378 00:20:09,477 --> 00:20:11,243 Domestic, nothing imported. 379 00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:15,647 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... 380 00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:19,218 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 381 00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:22,621 Uh... Tight. 382 00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:26,525 Vanessa. Wade. 383 00:20:26,527 --> 00:20:28,727 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 384 00:20:29,964 --> 00:20:31,230 I'd hit that. 385 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,500 Buck, you best apologize before... 386 00:20:34,502 --> 00:20:36,902 (GASPS) Yeah, that. 387 00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:38,670 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 388 00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,506 I'm sorry. Breathe through the nose. 389 00:20:40,508 --> 00:20:42,774 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 390 00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,776 Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... 391 00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:45,878 Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. 392 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,212 I'm working on it. 393 00:20:47,214 --> 00:20:49,848 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 394 00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,251 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 395 00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,254 Merchandise? Huh... 396 00:20:55,256 --> 00:20:57,856 So you, uh... 397 00:20:57,858 --> 00:20:59,224 bump fuzzies for money? 398 00:20:59,226 --> 00:21:01,293 Yep. Rough childhood? 399 00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:02,561 Rougher than yours. 400 00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:04,730 Daddy left before I was born. 401 00:21:04,732 --> 00:21:06,231 Daddy left before I was conceived. 402 00:21:07,535 --> 00:21:09,101 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 403 00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,602 Where else do you put one out? 404 00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:11,870 I was molested. 405 00:21:11,872 --> 00:21:13,672 Me too. Uncle. 406 00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:16,141 Uncles. They took turns. 407 00:21:16,143 --> 00:21:17,676 I watched my own birthday party 408 00:21:17,678 --> 00:21:18,877 through the keyhole of a locked closet... 409 00:21:18,879 --> 00:21:20,279 which also happens to be my... 410 00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:23,148 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 411 00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:25,751 (GASPS) You had a dishwasher. 412 00:21:25,753 --> 00:21:26,852 I didn't even know sleep. 413 00:21:26,854 --> 00:21:28,787 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, 414 00:21:28,789 --> 00:21:30,255 brownie mix and clown porn. 415 00:21:30,257 --> 00:21:31,723 (LAUGHS) 416 00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,627 Who would do such a thing? 417 00:21:37,097 --> 00:21:40,732 Hopefully you, later tonight? 418 00:21:43,337 --> 00:21:48,340 Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a... 419 00:21:49,643 --> 00:21:51,243 a Yogurtland rewards card? 420 00:21:51,245 --> 00:21:54,012 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 421 00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:57,182 And a low-fat dessert. 422 00:22:04,124 --> 00:22:06,625 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 423 00:22:07,795 --> 00:22:09,928 It's time to put balls in holes. 424 00:22:10,898 --> 00:22:12,598 You said whatever I want. 425 00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:14,600 I get it. 426 00:22:14,602 --> 00:22:16,101 You love skee ball. 427 00:22:16,103 --> 00:22:18,370 Apparently more than you love vagina. 428 00:22:18,372 --> 00:22:20,839 That's a tough call. (SCOFFS) 429 00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:23,108 (STUTTERS) I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 430 00:22:23,110 --> 00:22:25,110 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional 431 00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:27,079 sex object peddled by Hollywood. 432 00:22:27,081 --> 00:22:28,146 VANESSA: Balls in holes. 433 00:22:28,148 --> 00:22:29,214 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 434 00:22:29,216 --> 00:22:30,282 Balls in holes. 435 00:22:30,284 --> 00:22:31,917 Prepare to lose tragically. 436 00:22:31,919 --> 00:22:33,051 Bring it, big man. 437 00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:34,119 Okay. 438 00:22:36,390 --> 00:22:37,756 (MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO) Uh-oh. 439 00:22:38,158 --> 00:22:39,224 Uh-oh. 440 00:22:40,327 --> 00:22:41,927 The limited edition 441 00:22:41,929 --> 00:22:45,197 Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 442 00:22:45,199 --> 00:22:48,767 Okay. Here we go. 443 00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:50,902 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 444 00:22:50,904 --> 00:22:52,838 And I will take the pencil eraser. 445 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,239 BOY: Okay. 446 00:22:54,241 --> 00:22:57,142 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 447 00:22:57,144 --> 00:22:59,144 And you can erase stuff... 448 00:22:59,146 --> 00:23:00,912 written in pencil. 449 00:23:00,914 --> 00:23:02,280 M'lady? 450 00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:03,749 Well, I hate to break it to you... 451 00:23:03,751 --> 00:23:06,018 but your 48 minutes are up. 452 00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:08,920 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 453 00:23:08,922 --> 00:23:11,356 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together 454 00:23:11,358 --> 00:23:13,792 to form one super-bot, so... 455 00:23:13,794 --> 00:23:16,895 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 456 00:23:16,897 --> 00:23:18,564 Deal. 457 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:20,805 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 458 00:23:21,035 --> 00:23:22,100 Cuddle? 459 00:23:22,703 --> 00:23:24,202 (MOANING) 460 00:23:24,204 --> 00:23:26,338 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 461 00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:28,106 How long can you keep this up? 462 00:23:28,108 --> 00:23:29,441 All year? 463 00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:30,709 (CHUCKLES) 464 00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:33,412 (CONTINUES MOANING) 465 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,853 Happy Valentine's Day. 466 00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:51,063 Happy Chinese New Year. 467 00:23:51,065 --> 00:23:52,397 Year of the Dog. 468 00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:56,401 (EXHALES) 469 00:23:57,471 --> 00:23:59,271 Relax. 470 00:23:59,273 --> 00:24:01,440 And Happy International Women's Day. 471 00:24:03,477 --> 00:24:04,743 (WHIP CRACKS) 472 00:24:05,979 --> 00:24:09,147 (GROANS) No. No. No. 473 00:24:11,385 --> 00:24:12,751 Happy Lent. 474 00:24:14,855 --> 00:24:16,488 (MOANING) 475 00:24:16,490 --> 00:24:17,889 Ow, ow. 476 00:24:17,891 --> 00:24:19,157 Wade? Sorry. 477 00:24:19,159 --> 00:24:20,759 Happy Halloween. 478 00:24:20,761 --> 00:24:21,893 Happy Halloween. 479 00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:22,961 (LAUGHS) 480 00:24:24,098 --> 00:24:25,964 (CONTINUES MOANING) 481 00:24:31,438 --> 00:24:33,305 Happy Thanksgiving. 482 00:24:35,242 --> 00:24:36,242 I love you. 483 00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:42,314 If your left leg is Thanksgiving... 484 00:24:42,316 --> 00:24:44,116 and your right leg is Christmas... 485 00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:46,985 can I visit you between the holidays? 486 00:24:47,788 --> 00:24:48,887 (CHUCKLES) Oh! 487 00:24:48,889 --> 00:24:50,789 That sweater is terrible. 488 00:24:50,791 --> 00:24:51,890 (LAUGHS) 489 00:24:51,892 --> 00:24:53,325 But red looks good on you. 490 00:24:53,327 --> 00:24:54,760 Red's your color. 491 00:24:54,762 --> 00:24:56,294 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 492 00:24:57,197 --> 00:24:58,296 Listen, I've been thinking... 493 00:24:58,298 --> 00:25:00,132 Really? 494 00:25:00,134 --> 00:25:02,200 ...about why we're so good together. 495 00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:04,136 Why's that? 496 00:25:04,138 --> 00:25:08,140 Well, your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 497 00:25:08,142 --> 00:25:10,075 Hmm. (CHUCKLES) 498 00:25:10,077 --> 00:25:11,810 And, uh, we're like two jigsaw pieces, 499 00:25:11,812 --> 00:25:13,411 you know, the weird curvy edges... 500 00:25:13,413 --> 00:25:15,881 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 501 00:25:16,483 --> 00:25:17,816 Right. 502 00:25:18,218 --> 00:25:20,051 Wade... 503 00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:22,487 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 504 00:25:22,489 --> 00:25:25,157 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 505 00:25:27,227 --> 00:25:28,360 Will you, uh... 506 00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,429 stick it in my... Marry me? 507 00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:35,433 Uh... Jinx? 508 00:25:35,435 --> 00:25:37,302 Huh. 509 00:25:37,304 --> 00:25:38,470 Where were you hiding that? 510 00:25:38,472 --> 00:25:40,505 Nowhere. 511 00:25:40,507 --> 00:25:42,307 They say one month's salary. So, uh... 512 00:25:42,309 --> 00:25:43,341 You mean? 513 00:25:43,343 --> 00:25:44,409 I do. 514 00:25:44,411 --> 00:25:45,477 That's my line. 515 00:25:48,916 --> 00:25:51,316 I love you, Wade Wilson. 516 00:25:51,318 --> 00:25:52,818 You're supposed to... So that's a... 517 00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,252 Yes! Whoo! 518 00:25:54,988 --> 00:25:56,121 Yes! 519 00:25:56,123 --> 00:25:58,190 (LAUGHS) 520 00:25:58,192 --> 00:26:00,058 I feel just like a little girl. 521 00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,893 (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) 522 00:26:04,998 --> 00:26:07,332 What if I just held on and never let go? 523 00:26:07,334 --> 00:26:10,068 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 524 00:26:10,070 --> 00:26:12,404 Oh, Star Wars jokes. 525 00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:14,172 Empire. 526 00:26:15,475 --> 00:26:16,942 Jesus Christ. 527 00:26:16,944 --> 00:26:18,944 It's like I made you in a computer. 528 00:26:18,946 --> 00:26:20,512 (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 529 00:26:20,514 --> 00:26:21,580 Mmm. 530 00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:24,149 Hey. 531 00:26:25,152 --> 00:26:26,551 Perfect. (CAMERA CLICKS) 532 00:26:30,290 --> 00:26:31,957 Let's see. All right, wee break. 533 00:26:31,959 --> 00:26:33,225 Shake it, yeah. 534 00:26:37,898 --> 00:26:39,364 (SIGHS) 535 00:26:39,366 --> 00:26:40,999 WADE: Here's the thing. 536 00:26:41,001 --> 00:26:42,968 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... 537 00:26:42,970 --> 00:26:47,372 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 538 00:26:47,374 --> 00:26:50,175 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 539 00:26:50,177 --> 00:26:51,376 (TOILET FLUSHING) (SIGHS) 540 00:26:52,512 --> 00:26:54,012 Which meant it was time to return 541 00:26:54,014 --> 00:26:55,914 to our regularly scheduled program. 542 00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:57,649 What the... (THUDS) 543 00:26:57,651 --> 00:26:58,984 Oh, my God. Wade? 544 00:27:05,158 --> 00:27:06,992 You're clowning. 545 00:27:06,994 --> 00:27:08,593 You're not clowning? 546 00:27:08,595 --> 00:27:11,046 I sense clowns. 547 00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:13,498 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 548 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:16,401 There are certainly options we can look into. 549 00:27:16,403 --> 00:27:18,270 New drugs are being developed every day. 550 00:27:22,676 --> 00:27:24,342 So what do we do? 551 00:27:24,344 --> 00:27:27,946 Surely there is something we can do. 552 00:27:27,948 --> 00:27:30,482 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... 553 00:27:30,484 --> 00:27:33,084 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 554 00:27:33,086 --> 00:27:35,587 WADE: Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, 555 00:27:35,589 --> 00:27:37,589 all the way through Z. 556 00:27:37,591 --> 00:27:41,960 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 557 00:27:41,962 --> 00:27:44,329 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 558 00:27:44,331 --> 00:27:45,463 Or the last. 559 00:27:45,465 --> 00:27:47,132 DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson... 560 00:27:47,134 --> 00:27:48,967 Mr. Wilson? 561 00:27:48,969 --> 00:27:52,237 Take your time to process this. 562 00:27:52,239 --> 00:27:54,239 It's important not to do anything rash. 563 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,579 (WADE GRUNTS) 564 00:28:04,518 --> 00:28:05,617 (SIGHS LOUDLY) 565 00:28:05,619 --> 00:28:08,386 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack 566 00:28:08,388 --> 00:28:11,056 of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 567 00:28:11,058 --> 00:28:13,058 (MOTORBIKE REVVING) 568 00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:15,994 Oh. 569 00:28:19,633 --> 00:28:20,699 (ENGINE ROARING) 570 00:28:21,635 --> 00:28:22,701 (GUN FIRING) 571 00:28:29,076 --> 00:28:30,141 (FRANCIS GRUNTS) 572 00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:38,350 WADE: A hush falls over the crowd 573 00:28:38,352 --> 00:28:40,652 as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson... 574 00:28:40,654 --> 00:28:44,289 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 575 00:28:46,093 --> 00:28:47,692 His form looks good. 576 00:28:48,528 --> 00:28:49,694 Oh! 577 00:28:49,696 --> 00:28:54,232 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 578 00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:56,534 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing... 579 00:28:56,536 --> 00:28:59,004 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 580 00:28:59,773 --> 00:29:01,673 Oh! Giving him the business. 581 00:29:01,675 --> 00:29:04,009 Incoming! 582 00:29:04,011 --> 00:29:07,679 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 583 00:29:07,681 --> 00:29:08,747 (FRANCIS GROANS) 584 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,120 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. 585 00:29:15,122 --> 00:29:17,288 Like you've been pitching, not catching. 586 00:29:17,290 --> 00:29:19,324 Ringing any bells? No? 587 00:29:24,264 --> 00:29:25,497 How about now? 588 00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:29,434 (CHUCKLES SLOWLY) 589 00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,636 Wade fucking Wilson. 590 00:29:34,174 --> 00:29:36,324 FRANCIS: Well, hello, gorgeous. 591 00:29:36,325 --> 00:29:38,475 WADE: Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 592 00:29:38,478 --> 00:29:41,679 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 593 00:29:41,681 --> 00:29:43,715 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 594 00:29:43,717 --> 00:29:45,550 Please, you should thank me. 595 00:29:45,552 --> 00:29:47,185 Apparently, I made you immortal. 596 00:29:47,187 --> 00:29:48,720 I'm actually quite jealous. 597 00:29:48,722 --> 00:29:51,222 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 598 00:29:53,193 --> 00:29:54,826 Now, I'm about to do to you 599 00:29:54,828 --> 00:29:57,362 what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 600 00:29:57,364 --> 00:29:58,496 (METAL CLANKS) 601 00:29:59,433 --> 00:30:00,498 Dad? 602 00:30:03,837 --> 00:30:06,604 WADE: I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways 603 00:30:06,606 --> 00:30:08,540 in the most colossal way. 604 00:30:09,509 --> 00:30:12,077 Well, maybe not the most. 605 00:30:12,079 --> 00:30:15,780 WADE: Uh... This is my most prized possession. 606 00:30:16,349 --> 00:30:17,449 VANESSA: Wham? 607 00:30:17,451 --> 00:30:19,717 No, no, no. Wham! 608 00:30:19,719 --> 00:30:23,321 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 609 00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,857 So, am I supposed to just smile 610 00:30:25,859 --> 00:30:27,325 and wave you out the door? 611 00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:28,726 Think of it like spring cleaning. 612 00:30:28,728 --> 00:30:30,261 Only if spring was death. 613 00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:32,630 God, if I had a nickel for every time 614 00:30:32,632 --> 00:30:35,233 I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 615 00:30:35,235 --> 00:30:37,469 Sounds like you do. (COINS JINGLING) 616 00:30:37,471 --> 00:30:39,404 Bernadette is not going anywhere, 617 00:30:39,406 --> 00:30:41,406 because you're not going anywhere. 618 00:30:41,408 --> 00:30:42,707 Drink. 619 00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:44,109 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, 620 00:30:44,111 --> 00:30:45,410 lungs, prostate, and brain. 621 00:30:45,412 --> 00:30:46,644 All things I can live without. 622 00:30:47,747 --> 00:30:48,847 Ha. 623 00:30:48,849 --> 00:30:50,882 You belong here at home. 624 00:30:50,884 --> 00:30:52,517 Surrounded by your Voltron 625 00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:54,652 and your Bernadette, and your me. 626 00:30:55,856 --> 00:30:59,491 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 627 00:31:01,161 --> 00:31:03,294 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff- opening-for-the 628 00:31:03,296 --> 00:31:06,164 Spin-Doctors-at-the- Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 629 00:31:08,168 --> 00:31:12,704 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 630 00:31:13,907 --> 00:31:15,707 I want you to remember me. 631 00:31:17,244 --> 00:31:19,144 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 632 00:31:19,146 --> 00:31:21,379 Well, I wanna remember us. 633 00:31:21,381 --> 00:31:23,815 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 634 00:31:23,816 --> 00:31:26,250 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 635 00:31:26,253 --> 00:31:27,652 Wham! 636 00:31:30,924 --> 00:31:34,192 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 637 00:31:36,596 --> 00:31:38,196 We can fight this. 638 00:31:41,268 --> 00:31:44,269 Besides, I just realized something. 639 00:31:44,271 --> 00:31:46,604 You win. Your life is officially 640 00:31:46,606 --> 00:31:49,407 way more fucked up than mine. 641 00:31:50,610 --> 00:31:52,744 (WADE CHUCKLES) 642 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:54,746 I love you. 643 00:31:58,952 --> 00:32:00,618 (MUSIC PLAYING) 644 00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:07,625 Wade. 645 00:32:09,696 --> 00:32:11,262 Weas. 646 00:32:11,264 --> 00:32:13,565 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 647 00:32:13,567 --> 00:32:15,700 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 648 00:32:15,702 --> 00:32:17,468 How about three shots of Patron? 649 00:32:17,470 --> 00:32:21,306 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 650 00:32:21,308 --> 00:32:22,640 Excellent for the immune system. 651 00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:24,742 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 652 00:32:24,744 --> 00:32:27,128 Here, check it out. 653 00:32:27,129 --> 00:32:29,513 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 654 00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,716 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 655 00:32:31,718 --> 00:32:34,719 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 656 00:32:34,721 --> 00:32:37,855 You got China and Central Mexico. 657 00:32:37,857 --> 00:32:40,325 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 658 00:32:40,327 --> 00:32:41,859 No. 659 00:32:41,861 --> 00:32:43,595 El Cancer. Oh. 660 00:32:43,597 --> 00:32:45,863 I could have guessed that. 661 00:32:45,865 --> 00:32:47,432 Look how happy you look here. 662 00:32:47,434 --> 00:32:49,000 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, 663 00:32:49,002 --> 00:32:51,903 so I can remember when you looked alive. 664 00:32:51,905 --> 00:32:53,905 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 665 00:32:53,907 --> 00:32:56,708 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 666 00:32:56,710 --> 00:32:58,610 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 667 00:32:58,612 --> 00:33:01,012 Oh. 668 00:33:01,014 --> 00:33:03,715 And, uh, that guy over there came in looking for you. 669 00:33:03,717 --> 00:33:06,651 Real Grim Reaper type. 670 00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:08,686 I don't know. Might further the plot. 671 00:33:12,692 --> 00:33:13,791 Boothe. 672 00:33:13,793 --> 00:33:14,959 Wade. 673 00:33:18,698 --> 00:33:20,265 (WADE SIGHS) 674 00:33:20,267 --> 00:33:21,699 Mr. Wilson. 675 00:33:21,701 --> 00:33:22,900 How can I help you? 676 00:33:22,902 --> 00:33:25,670 Besides luring children into a panel van. 677 00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:29,440 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 678 00:33:29,442 --> 00:33:30,608 Stalker alert. 679 00:33:30,610 --> 00:33:33,511 It's my job. Recruitment. 680 00:33:33,513 --> 00:33:36,948 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 681 00:33:36,950 --> 00:33:39,417 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 682 00:33:39,419 --> 00:33:42,320 41 confirmed kills. 683 00:33:42,322 --> 00:33:43,688 One every seven weeks. 684 00:33:43,690 --> 00:33:46,724 Same rate most folks get a haircut. Hmm... 685 00:33:46,726 --> 00:33:47,992 It's to wash the taste out. 686 00:33:47,994 --> 00:33:51,562 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 687 00:33:51,564 --> 00:33:53,598 And now you spend your days 688 00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:55,600 sticking up for the little people... 689 00:33:55,602 --> 00:33:57,602 People change. What do you want? 690 00:33:57,604 --> 00:34:00,738 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 691 00:34:02,609 --> 00:34:06,844 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 692 00:34:06,846 --> 00:34:11,015 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 693 00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:16,587 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, 694 00:34:16,589 --> 00:34:18,756 but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 695 00:34:18,758 --> 00:34:20,491 More Shake Weight-y. 696 00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:23,561 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 697 00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,697 We won't just make you better. 698 00:34:25,699 --> 00:34:28,766 We will make you better than better. 699 00:34:29,703 --> 00:34:31,369 A superhero. 700 00:34:31,371 --> 00:34:34,105 Look, Agent Smith, 701 00:34:34,107 --> 00:34:36,741 I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 702 00:34:36,743 --> 00:34:39,510 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 703 00:34:40,013 --> 00:34:41,779 Oh, um... 704 00:34:41,781 --> 00:34:43,481 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, 705 00:34:43,483 --> 00:34:44,716 so you may wanna... 706 00:34:49,656 --> 00:34:50,922 His drink's on him. 707 00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,429 WEASEL: What did he say? 708 00:34:58,431 --> 00:34:59,664 (THUNDERCLAP) 709 00:35:00,667 --> 00:35:02,967 (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) 710 00:35:08,908 --> 00:35:10,408 (SNIFFLES) 711 00:35:20,887 --> 00:35:22,620 VANESSA: Hey, what's going on? 712 00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:25,022 (SNIFFLES) Hey. Sorry. 713 00:35:26,526 --> 00:35:29,427 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 714 00:35:29,429 --> 00:35:30,895 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter 715 00:35:30,897 --> 00:35:32,630 and he just wasn't having it. 716 00:35:40,173 --> 00:35:45,510 Hey, uh, they've made three of those movies. 717 00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:48,713 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 718 00:35:48,715 --> 00:35:49,781 Hmm. 719 00:36:02,962 --> 00:36:06,964 WADE: The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 720 00:36:06,966 --> 00:36:10,101 but what it does to the people you love. 721 00:36:10,103 --> 00:36:12,804 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 722 00:36:12,806 --> 00:36:15,940 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 723 00:36:15,942 --> 00:36:17,475 (DOOR CLOSES) 724 00:36:19,679 --> 00:36:21,946 Isn't that what superheroes do? 725 00:36:25,452 --> 00:36:26,517 (CARS HONKING) 726 00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,155 (PHONE RINGING) 727 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:38,496 WADE: Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 728 00:36:38,965 --> 00:36:40,164 (THUDS) Ow. 729 00:36:40,166 --> 00:36:43,134 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 730 00:36:43,136 --> 00:36:44,702 Local dry cleaning discounts. 731 00:36:44,704 --> 00:36:46,571 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories 732 00:36:46,573 --> 00:36:48,739 and larger ensemble team movies. 733 00:36:48,741 --> 00:36:51,843 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 734 00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:53,711 You know, I can hear you. 735 00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:56,681 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 736 00:36:56,683 --> 00:36:58,983 Stay right here. 737 00:36:58,985 --> 00:37:01,252 COLOSSUS: You've been warned before, Deadpool. 738 00:37:01,254 --> 00:37:04,989 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 739 00:37:04,991 --> 00:37:07,124 You will both be coming with us. 740 00:37:07,126 --> 00:37:09,060 WADE: Look, Colossus, I don't have time for 741 00:37:09,062 --> 00:37:11,162 the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 742 00:37:11,164 --> 00:37:13,097 And you are? 743 00:37:14,734 --> 00:37:16,634 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 744 00:37:16,636 --> 00:37:20,037 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 745 00:37:20,039 --> 00:37:21,939 That's the coolest name ever! 746 00:37:23,276 --> 00:37:26,010 So, what, you're like, uh, his sidekick? 747 00:37:26,012 --> 00:37:27,645 No. Trainee. 748 00:37:27,647 --> 00:37:29,046 Let me guess. 749 00:37:29,048 --> 00:37:31,682 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 750 00:37:31,684 --> 00:37:33,434 What does that make you? 751 00:37:33,435 --> 00:37:35,185 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 752 00:37:35,188 --> 00:37:36,654 Can we trade names? 753 00:37:36,656 --> 00:37:38,155 (FRANCIS GROANS) Can we go? 754 00:37:38,157 --> 00:37:40,691 WADE: Look! I'm a teenage girl. 755 00:37:40,693 --> 00:37:42,894 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 756 00:37:42,896 --> 00:37:45,096 I'm all about long sullen silences... 757 00:37:45,098 --> 00:37:49,033 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 758 00:37:49,035 --> 00:37:52,270 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 759 00:37:52,272 --> 00:37:54,972 or mean comment? Go on. 760 00:37:56,175 --> 00:37:57,542 You got me in a box here. 761 00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:58,643 Aha! 762 00:37:58,645 --> 00:38:00,645 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 763 00:38:00,647 --> 00:38:02,046 Please, come quietly. 764 00:38:02,048 --> 00:38:04,315 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 765 00:38:04,317 --> 00:38:05,767 COLOSSUS: That's not nice. 766 00:38:05,768 --> 00:38:07,218 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 767 00:38:07,220 --> 00:38:11,789 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 768 00:38:11,791 --> 00:38:14,725 He's pure evil. 769 00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:18,029 Besides... Nobody's getting hurt. 770 00:38:19,666 --> 00:38:20,731 (THUDS) 771 00:38:23,202 --> 00:38:25,603 That guy was already up there when I got here. 772 00:38:25,605 --> 00:38:28,839 Wade, you are better than this. 773 00:38:28,841 --> 00:38:31,208 Join us. Use your powers for good. 774 00:38:31,210 --> 00:38:32,276 WADE: Heads up. 775 00:38:32,278 --> 00:38:33,744 Be a superhero. 776 00:38:33,746 --> 00:38:35,513 WADE: Listen! 777 00:38:35,514 --> 00:38:37,281 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 778 00:38:37,283 --> 00:38:40,685 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 779 00:38:40,687 --> 00:38:45,623 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 780 00:38:45,625 --> 00:38:47,291 on that day... 781 00:38:47,293 --> 00:38:49,694 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 782 00:38:49,696 --> 00:38:52,163 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 783 00:38:52,165 --> 00:38:54,966 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 784 00:38:54,968 --> 00:38:56,233 COLOSSUS: Wade... Hey. 785 00:38:56,235 --> 00:38:57,602 Zip it, Sinead! 786 00:38:57,604 --> 00:38:58,669 Hey, douche-pool! 787 00:38:58,671 --> 00:38:59,971 And I hope you're watching... 788 00:38:59,973 --> 00:39:02,039 (MOTORBIKE REVVING) 789 00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:03,674 (GASPS LOUDLY) 790 00:39:04,711 --> 00:39:06,377 Quite unfortunate. 791 00:39:09,849 --> 00:39:12,183 That does it! 792 00:39:12,185 --> 00:39:13,384 (METAL CLANKS) 793 00:39:13,386 --> 00:39:14,852 Oh! 794 00:39:14,854 --> 00:39:17,922 (GROANS) Canada! 795 00:39:19,058 --> 00:39:20,124 That's not good. 796 00:39:20,126 --> 00:39:21,292 COLOSSUS: Wade, please. 797 00:39:21,294 --> 00:39:24,195 WADE: Cock shot! (GROANS) 798 00:39:24,197 --> 00:39:26,030 Oh, your poor wife. 799 00:39:26,032 --> 00:39:28,265 You really should stop. 800 00:39:28,267 --> 00:39:29,700 (GROANING) 801 00:39:31,337 --> 00:39:33,938 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 802 00:39:35,308 --> 00:39:36,974 (WADE SCREAMS) 803 00:39:37,276 --> 00:39:38,843 (LAUGHS) 804 00:39:38,845 --> 00:39:40,778 WADE: I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 805 00:39:40,780 --> 00:39:42,747 This is embarrassing. (GROANS) 806 00:39:42,749 --> 00:39:45,416 Please, stay down. 807 00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:48,019 WADE: You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 808 00:39:48,021 --> 00:39:49,420 Do you have off switch? 809 00:39:49,422 --> 00:39:51,188 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. 810 00:39:51,190 --> 00:39:52,323 Or is that the on switch? 811 00:39:52,325 --> 00:39:54,425 Enough! (GLASS SHATTERS) 812 00:39:54,427 --> 00:39:56,193 (LAUGHS) 813 00:39:56,195 --> 00:39:57,828 (GROANING) 814 00:40:03,036 --> 00:40:05,302 COLOSSUS: Let us go talk to the Professor. 815 00:40:05,304 --> 00:40:07,171 McAvoy or Stewart? 816 00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:09,407 These timelines are so confusing. 817 00:40:10,810 --> 00:40:13,377 "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" 818 00:40:13,379 --> 00:40:15,246 COLOSSUS: You will recover, Wade. 819 00:40:15,248 --> 00:40:16,947 You always do. 820 00:40:21,354 --> 00:40:24,989 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 821 00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,258 (SQUISHING NOISE) 822 00:40:28,695 --> 00:40:29,860 Oh, my God. 823 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:34,665 Nasty. 824 00:40:34,666 --> 00:40:35,331 WADE: Oh, there's the money shot, baby. 825 00:40:35,334 --> 00:40:36,734 (RETCHING) 826 00:40:36,736 --> 00:40:38,469 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 827 00:40:44,077 --> 00:40:45,142 (TRUCK HORN HONKS) 828 00:40:49,449 --> 00:40:52,349 WADE: Rock, meet bottom. 829 00:40:52,351 --> 00:40:55,786 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 830 00:40:55,788 --> 00:40:59,990 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 831 00:40:59,992 --> 00:41:03,194 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 832 00:41:03,196 --> 00:41:06,897 This? Well, this was mine. 833 00:41:06,899 --> 00:41:09,767 AGENT SMITH: Mr. Wilson. 834 00:41:09,769 --> 00:41:14,205 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 835 00:41:14,207 --> 00:41:16,040 You finally hit "fuck it." 836 00:41:17,110 --> 00:41:19,844 Just promise you'll do right by me. 837 00:41:19,846 --> 00:41:21,912 So I can do right by someone else. 838 00:41:21,914 --> 00:41:23,814 Of course. 839 00:41:23,816 --> 00:41:25,516 And please don't make the super-suit green. 840 00:41:26,853 --> 00:41:28,319 Or animated. 841 00:41:30,123 --> 00:41:32,757 (MAN CHOKING) 842 00:41:34,861 --> 00:41:36,393 MAN: Move it! Keep moving. 843 00:41:36,395 --> 00:41:37,995 (PATIENT SCREAMING) 844 00:41:48,407 --> 00:41:51,342 This place seems sanitary. 845 00:41:51,344 --> 00:41:53,544 My first request is warmer hands. 846 00:41:53,546 --> 00:41:57,448 Oh! And, Jesus, a warmer table. 847 00:41:59,018 --> 00:42:01,218 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 848 00:42:01,220 --> 00:42:03,154 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 849 00:42:06,425 --> 00:42:08,559 (GROANS) Easy. 850 00:42:10,496 --> 00:42:12,963 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 851 00:42:13,533 --> 00:42:15,266 I'm calling wang. 852 00:42:15,268 --> 00:42:17,168 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 853 00:42:18,971 --> 00:42:20,371 What's up with the matches? 854 00:42:20,373 --> 00:42:23,307 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 855 00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:24,575 (MUFFLED GROAN) 856 00:42:24,577 --> 00:42:26,076 Patience, Angel. 857 00:42:26,979 --> 00:42:28,579 All in good time. 858 00:42:28,581 --> 00:42:30,581 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 859 00:42:32,185 --> 00:42:33,751 We have another talker. 860 00:42:33,752 --> 00:42:35,318 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 861 00:42:35,321 --> 00:42:37,521 Shut the fuck up. 862 00:42:40,860 --> 00:42:42,893 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 863 00:42:43,863 --> 00:42:46,997 I manage this workshop. 864 00:42:46,999 --> 00:42:50,267 Ah, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 865 00:42:50,269 --> 00:42:51,902 "This may hurt a little." 866 00:42:51,904 --> 00:42:53,971 "This may cause you some discomfort." 867 00:42:53,973 --> 00:42:56,273 But I've grown blunt. 868 00:42:56,275 --> 00:42:59,009 This workshop is not a government-led program. 869 00:42:59,011 --> 00:43:02,546 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 870 00:43:02,548 --> 00:43:06,083 into men of extraordinary abilities. 871 00:43:07,553 --> 00:43:11,021 But if you think super-human powers are acquired painlessly... 872 00:43:11,891 --> 00:43:13,290 Wrong. (GROANS) 873 00:43:13,292 --> 00:43:14,959 I'm injecting you with a serum... 874 00:43:14,961 --> 00:43:17,561 that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 875 00:43:17,563 --> 00:43:21,565 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 876 00:43:24,904 --> 00:43:27,071 (WADE GROANING) 877 00:43:27,073 --> 00:43:31,108 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 878 00:43:31,110 --> 00:43:33,577 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 879 00:43:33,579 --> 00:43:36,647 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 880 00:43:36,649 --> 00:43:39,516 The treatment affects everyone differently. 881 00:43:39,518 --> 00:43:42,653 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 882 00:43:42,655 --> 00:43:47,258 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 883 00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:50,294 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 884 00:43:51,998 --> 00:43:55,933 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 885 00:43:57,270 --> 00:43:58,936 (MUMBLING) 886 00:44:04,277 --> 00:44:07,344 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 887 00:44:07,346 --> 00:44:10,080 You have something in your teeth. 888 00:44:10,082 --> 00:44:12,283 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 889 00:44:12,285 --> 00:44:15,386 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 890 00:44:15,388 --> 00:44:17,221 (SIGHS) 891 00:44:17,223 --> 00:44:19,690 It's been bothering me for a long time. 892 00:44:19,692 --> 00:44:21,125 (LAUGHS) 893 00:44:21,127 --> 00:44:22,393 Ah, made you look. 894 00:44:22,395 --> 00:44:24,161 Hey, is Ajax your actual name? 895 00:44:24,163 --> 00:44:25,996 Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 896 00:44:25,998 --> 00:44:27,131 What is it, really? 897 00:44:27,133 --> 00:44:29,400 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 898 00:44:29,402 --> 00:44:31,702 Mitch? The Rickster? 899 00:44:31,704 --> 00:44:33,570 (in British accent) Is it Basil Fawlty? 900 00:44:33,572 --> 00:44:35,539 Oh, joke away. 901 00:44:35,541 --> 00:44:37,041 One thing that never survives this place 902 00:44:37,043 --> 00:44:39,043 is a sense of humor. 903 00:44:39,045 --> 00:44:40,210 We'll see about that. 904 00:44:40,212 --> 00:44:41,578 I suppose we will. 905 00:44:43,049 --> 00:44:44,548 He's all yours. 906 00:44:44,550 --> 00:44:46,317 Oh, come on. 907 00:44:46,319 --> 00:44:47,718 You're gonna leave me all alone here. 908 00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:49,486 With less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 909 00:44:50,056 --> 00:44:51,121 (GROANS) 910 00:44:53,726 --> 00:44:56,026 FRANCIS: This is how it's going to work. 911 00:44:56,028 --> 00:44:59,530 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 912 00:44:59,532 --> 00:45:02,199 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 913 00:45:03,736 --> 00:45:05,736 FRANCIS: If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate 914 00:45:05,738 --> 00:45:08,672 and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 915 00:45:09,675 --> 00:45:10,741 (GASPS) 916 00:45:13,045 --> 00:45:15,746 FRANCIS: If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 917 00:45:15,748 --> 00:45:17,581 (WADE SHIVERING) 918 00:45:17,583 --> 00:45:19,016 in new and different ways, 919 00:45:19,018 --> 00:45:20,417 each more painful than the last... 920 00:45:23,089 --> 00:45:25,422 until you finally mutate. 921 00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:28,292 Or die. 922 00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:36,633 CUNNINGHAM: You mean a bucket list? 923 00:45:36,635 --> 00:45:39,103 WADE: Like a fuck-it list. 924 00:45:39,105 --> 00:45:40,371 I'd really like to light a spliff 925 00:45:40,373 --> 00:45:42,306 off the Olympic torch. 926 00:45:42,308 --> 00:45:44,241 CUNNINGHAM: Pass it to me right after. 927 00:45:44,243 --> 00:45:47,644 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping 928 00:45:47,646 --> 00:45:51,248 with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 929 00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,752 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 930 00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:58,088 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 931 00:45:58,090 --> 00:46:01,258 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 932 00:46:01,660 --> 00:46:03,193 (LAUGHS) 933 00:46:05,731 --> 00:46:09,333 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 934 00:46:12,638 --> 00:46:14,738 Vanessa. 935 00:46:18,277 --> 00:46:20,611 WADE: I wanna see Vanessa. 936 00:46:20,613 --> 00:46:22,146 FRANCIS: You're lovely. 937 00:46:22,148 --> 00:46:25,516 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 938 00:46:25,518 --> 00:46:26,550 We were just joking. 939 00:46:26,552 --> 00:46:29,086 No, no. It's okay. 940 00:46:30,156 --> 00:46:32,523 I encourage distractions. 941 00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:34,825 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 942 00:46:34,827 --> 00:46:36,760 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 943 00:46:37,696 --> 00:46:40,230 How tough can he be... 944 00:46:40,232 --> 00:46:43,233 with a name like Francis? 945 00:46:43,636 --> 00:46:45,169 Francis? 946 00:46:45,171 --> 00:46:47,171 WADE: That's his legal name. 947 00:46:47,173 --> 00:46:50,641 (CHUCKLING) He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 948 00:46:52,578 --> 00:46:56,346 F, R, A, N, C, I... 949 00:46:56,649 --> 00:46:58,215 Oops! 950 00:46:59,785 --> 00:47:02,753 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 951 00:47:04,590 --> 00:47:07,191 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 952 00:47:07,193 --> 00:47:08,559 You are so relentlessly annoying. 953 00:47:08,561 --> 00:47:09,593 Thanks. 954 00:47:09,595 --> 00:47:11,228 Never heard that before. 955 00:47:11,230 --> 00:47:14,298 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 956 00:47:14,300 --> 00:47:16,366 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 957 00:47:16,669 --> 00:47:18,135 Oh... 958 00:47:18,137 --> 00:47:19,736 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 959 00:47:19,738 --> 00:47:21,371 See, here's the problem with 960 00:47:21,373 --> 00:47:23,207 round-the-clock torture... 961 00:47:23,209 --> 00:47:26,243 is that you can't really step it up from there. 962 00:47:28,681 --> 00:47:31,215 Is that what you think? 963 00:47:36,355 --> 00:47:38,822 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 964 00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:41,425 nothing will. 965 00:47:41,427 --> 00:47:42,943 Now, what we're going to do is 966 00:47:42,944 --> 00:47:44,460 lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 967 00:47:44,463 --> 00:47:47,364 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 968 00:47:47,366 --> 00:47:48,632 If your brainwaves slow, 969 00:47:48,634 --> 00:47:51,235 meaning you're about to pass out... 970 00:47:51,237 --> 00:47:52,436 then we'll turn up the O2. 971 00:47:53,372 --> 00:47:54,771 If your heart rate slows... 972 00:47:54,773 --> 00:47:57,574 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 973 00:47:57,576 --> 00:47:59,576 we'll turn it back down. 974 00:47:59,578 --> 00:48:01,245 And that's where we'll leave you. 975 00:48:01,247 --> 00:48:03,614 Right there. 976 00:48:03,616 --> 00:48:05,883 Oh, and I thought you guys were dicks before. 977 00:48:05,885 --> 00:48:09,219 FRANCIS: You know the funniest part of this? 978 00:48:09,221 --> 00:48:12,389 You still think we're making you a superhero. 979 00:48:12,391 --> 00:48:15,826 You. A dishonorable discharge. 980 00:48:16,529 --> 00:48:18,662 Hip-deep in hookers. 981 00:48:19,365 --> 00:48:20,931 You're nothing. 982 00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:24,268 Little secret, Wade. 983 00:48:24,270 --> 00:48:26,203 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, 984 00:48:26,205 --> 00:48:29,406 we make super-slaves. 985 00:48:29,408 --> 00:48:31,241 We're gonna fit you with a control collar 986 00:48:31,243 --> 00:48:33,810 and auction you off to the highest bidder. 987 00:48:33,812 --> 00:48:36,213 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 988 00:48:36,215 --> 00:48:39,616 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 989 00:48:41,687 --> 00:48:44,955 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 990 00:48:44,957 --> 00:48:47,624 What the fuck is wrong with you? 991 00:48:52,765 --> 00:48:55,666 You're never going home after this. 992 00:48:55,668 --> 00:48:57,901 Now there's a brave face. 993 00:48:58,837 --> 00:49:00,571 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 994 00:49:02,775 --> 00:49:06,777 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 995 00:49:08,647 --> 00:49:10,447 Enjoy your weekend. 996 00:49:10,449 --> 00:49:12,249 "Weekend"? Back up. 997 00:49:12,251 --> 00:49:13,483 Weekend? 998 00:49:14,286 --> 00:49:15,886 (MACHINE HISSING) 999 00:49:18,791 --> 00:49:20,390 (GASPING) 1000 00:49:20,392 --> 00:49:21,992 (CHOKING) 1001 00:49:30,469 --> 00:49:32,269 (EKG BEEPING) 1002 00:49:34,807 --> 00:49:36,473 (CHOKING) (EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY) 1003 00:49:54,994 --> 00:49:57,294 WADE: Did I say this was a love story? 1004 00:49:57,296 --> 00:49:59,696 No, it's a horror movie. 1005 00:50:00,366 --> 00:50:01,898 (SCREAMING) 1006 00:50:11,877 --> 00:50:14,511 (GASPING) 1007 00:50:16,048 --> 00:50:18,382 FRANCIS: Fucking hell. 1008 00:50:18,384 --> 00:50:21,652 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 1009 00:50:21,654 --> 00:50:23,787 What have you done to me? 1010 00:50:23,789 --> 00:50:25,322 I've merely raised your stress levels 1011 00:50:25,324 --> 00:50:27,057 high enough to trigger a mutation. 1012 00:50:27,059 --> 00:50:29,926 You sadistic fuck! 1013 00:50:29,928 --> 00:50:32,396 I've cured you, Wade. 1014 00:50:32,398 --> 00:50:35,032 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 1015 00:50:35,034 --> 00:50:37,868 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 1016 00:50:39,038 --> 00:50:41,738 Yeah, I've seen similar side-effects before. 1017 00:50:42,941 --> 00:50:44,007 I could cure them... 1018 00:50:47,646 --> 00:50:49,446 but where's the fun in that? 1019 00:50:51,650 --> 00:50:54,351 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 1020 00:50:55,921 --> 00:50:57,954 Not because I need to. 1021 00:51:01,827 --> 00:51:03,694 Because I want to. 1022 00:51:05,431 --> 00:51:07,564 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1023 00:51:17,976 --> 00:51:19,576 Oh, well. 1024 00:51:19,578 --> 00:51:20,811 Go ahead. 1025 00:51:23,782 --> 00:51:25,649 Oh, you smell like shit. 1026 00:51:26,819 --> 00:51:28,852 (GRUNTS) Whoa! (LAUGHS) 1027 00:51:28,854 --> 00:51:30,821 ANGEL DUST: Motherfucker. 1028 00:51:30,823 --> 00:51:32,789 Hey, hey, hey. It's all right, it's all right. 1029 00:51:33,826 --> 00:51:35,826 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 1030 00:51:35,828 --> 00:51:38,395 You take off. Go on. 1031 00:51:38,964 --> 00:51:40,497 Off you go. 1032 00:51:51,443 --> 00:51:53,009 Quick question. 1033 00:51:55,147 --> 00:51:57,414 What's my name? 1034 00:52:02,988 --> 00:52:04,521 Didn't think so. 1035 00:52:06,158 --> 00:52:09,025 WADE: Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 1036 00:52:09,027 --> 00:52:10,660 (GROANING) 1037 00:52:25,010 --> 00:52:27,177 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1038 00:52:57,943 --> 00:52:59,142 (EXPLODING) 1039 00:53:08,921 --> 00:53:11,621 (MEN SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE) 1040 00:53:14,226 --> 00:53:15,892 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) 1041 00:53:15,894 --> 00:53:17,494 (MAN COUGHING) 1042 00:53:31,210 --> 00:53:32,476 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1043 00:53:43,722 --> 00:53:45,255 (GROANS) 1044 00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:49,526 (GRUNTING) 1045 00:54:00,138 --> 00:54:01,204 (GROANING) 1046 00:54:05,544 --> 00:54:06,877 You don't want to kill me. 1047 00:54:06,879 --> 00:54:09,212 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 1048 00:54:09,214 --> 00:54:10,780 (GRUNTING) 1049 00:54:19,758 --> 00:54:21,124 (LAUGHS) 1050 00:54:21,126 --> 00:54:22,692 (GRUNTING) 1051 00:54:24,897 --> 00:54:26,830 (GROANING) 1052 00:54:45,183 --> 00:54:46,583 (GRUNTS LOUDLY) 1053 00:54:47,586 --> 00:54:49,085 (RETCHING) 1054 00:54:50,055 --> 00:54:51,988 (GRUNTS AND LAUGHS) 1055 00:54:55,260 --> 00:54:56,993 (GRUNTING) 1056 00:54:59,765 --> 00:55:01,798 (WADE BREATHING HEAVILY) 1057 00:55:05,938 --> 00:55:07,604 What's my name? 1058 00:55:13,679 --> 00:55:14,878 CUNNINGHAM: Wade. 1059 00:56:14,706 --> 00:56:15,939 (GROANS) 1060 00:56:22,114 --> 00:56:25,215 WADE: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer... 1061 00:56:26,752 --> 00:56:29,352 I got the cure to el everything. 1062 00:56:33,025 --> 00:56:35,258 But there was only one thing... 1063 00:56:35,260 --> 00:56:37,027 that really mattered. 1064 00:56:39,965 --> 00:56:42,699 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 1065 00:56:48,707 --> 00:56:50,206 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 1066 00:56:58,316 --> 00:57:00,717 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 1067 00:57:01,987 --> 00:57:03,086 (INFANT CRYING) 1068 00:57:06,324 --> 00:57:07,390 WOMAN: Come on, let's go. 1069 00:57:12,864 --> 00:57:15,699 WOMAN: Oh, that must hurt. 1070 00:57:16,435 --> 00:57:18,935 Thank you so much. 1071 00:57:18,937 --> 00:57:20,937 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE) 1072 00:57:29,948 --> 00:57:32,182 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 1073 00:57:32,184 --> 00:57:33,750 WOMAN: Look at his face. 1074 00:57:33,752 --> 00:57:36,086 MAN: Oh, my God. Poor guy. 1075 00:57:36,088 --> 00:57:37,220 FEMALE PEDESTRIAN: Honey, don't stare. 1076 00:57:37,222 --> 00:57:38,488 MALE PEDESTRIAN: Freak. 1077 00:57:38,490 --> 00:57:39,823 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 1078 00:57:39,825 --> 00:57:41,024 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1079 00:57:58,844 --> 00:58:02,345 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 1080 00:58:02,347 --> 00:58:05,014 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 1081 00:58:05,016 --> 00:58:07,384 Ah, bullshit! 1082 00:58:07,385 --> 00:58:09,753 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 1083 00:58:09,755 --> 00:58:12,288 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 1084 00:58:12,290 --> 00:58:14,023 Oh! Oh. 1085 00:58:14,025 --> 00:58:15,191 Do you like what you see? 1086 00:58:15,193 --> 00:58:16,926 No. 1087 00:58:16,928 --> 00:58:18,394 You look like an avocado 1088 00:58:18,396 --> 00:58:20,964 had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 1089 00:58:20,966 --> 00:58:22,132 Yeah. 1090 00:58:22,134 --> 00:58:24,200 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 1091 00:58:24,202 --> 00:58:26,136 There was something wrong with the relationship... 1092 00:58:26,138 --> 00:58:28,071 and that was the only catharsis 1093 00:58:28,073 --> 00:58:29,973 that they could find without violence. 1094 00:58:29,975 --> 00:58:32,375 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug... 1095 00:58:32,377 --> 00:58:35,211 is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. 1096 00:58:35,213 --> 00:58:37,147 And he's gone. Poof! 1097 00:58:37,149 --> 00:58:38,982 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this... 1098 00:58:38,984 --> 00:58:40,116 because as of now, 1099 00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:42,018 you only have one course of action. 1100 00:58:42,020 --> 00:58:43,253 Damn straight. 1101 00:58:43,255 --> 00:58:45,121 Find Francis. Star in horror films. 1102 00:58:45,123 --> 00:58:46,222 What? 1103 00:58:46,224 --> 00:58:48,291 Star in your own horror films. 1104 00:58:48,293 --> 00:58:49,893 Because you look like Freddy Krueger 1105 00:58:49,895 --> 00:58:53,129 face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 1106 00:58:53,131 --> 00:58:54,998 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 1107 00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:56,132 I'm gonna work through his crew 1108 00:58:56,134 --> 00:58:58,118 until somebody gives up Francis... 1109 00:58:58,119 --> 00:59:00,103 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull... 1110 00:59:00,105 --> 00:59:01,871 and fuck the brain hole. 1111 00:59:01,873 --> 00:59:05,008 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 1112 00:59:05,010 --> 00:59:07,110 But the douchebag does thinks you're dead, right? 1113 00:59:07,112 --> 00:59:08,378 Yeah. 1114 00:59:08,380 --> 00:59:09,913 That's good. You should keep it that way. 1115 00:59:09,915 --> 00:59:11,514 What, like, wear a mask? 1116 00:59:11,516 --> 00:59:14,517 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 1117 00:59:15,153 --> 00:59:16,286 I am sorry... 1118 00:59:16,288 --> 00:59:19,022 you are haunting. 1119 00:59:19,024 --> 00:59:21,024 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 1120 00:59:21,026 --> 00:59:22,325 Like a testicle with teeth. 1121 00:59:22,327 --> 00:59:24,160 You will die alone. 1122 00:59:24,162 --> 00:59:26,329 I mean, if you could die. 1123 00:59:26,331 --> 00:59:28,398 Ideally, for others' sake. 1124 00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:30,033 That'll do. 1125 00:59:30,035 --> 00:59:31,901 All you need now is a suit and a nickname... 1126 00:59:31,903 --> 00:59:34,137 like Wade the Wisecracker... 1127 00:59:34,139 --> 00:59:37,273 or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. 1128 00:59:37,909 --> 00:59:39,209 Oh, shit. 1129 00:59:39,578 --> 00:59:41,544 What? 1130 00:59:41,546 --> 00:59:43,580 I put all my money on you and now... 1131 00:59:43,582 --> 00:59:45,181 I just realized I'm never gonna win the, uh... 1132 00:59:45,183 --> 00:59:46,282 Dead pool. 1133 00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:52,488 Captain Deadpool... 1134 00:59:54,326 --> 00:59:55,458 No, just... 1135 00:59:55,460 --> 00:59:57,293 Just Deadpool, yeah. Just Deadpool. 1136 00:59:57,295 --> 00:59:59,462 To you, Mr. Pool. 1137 00:59:59,464 --> 01:00:00,864 Deadpool. 1138 01:00:00,866 --> 01:00:02,165 That sounds like a fucking franchise. 1139 01:00:02,167 --> 01:00:03,233 (GLASSES CLINK) 1140 01:00:16,581 --> 01:00:19,349 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 1141 01:00:19,351 --> 01:00:20,984 (MAN GROANS) Where's Francis? 1142 01:00:21,353 --> 01:00:23,286 (GRUNTING) 1143 01:00:25,924 --> 01:00:27,090 (GUN FIRING) 1144 01:00:27,092 --> 01:00:28,291 (GROANING) 1145 01:00:32,931 --> 01:00:33,997 (SIGHS) 1146 01:00:34,966 --> 01:00:36,566 WADE: Where's Francis? 1147 01:00:44,976 --> 01:00:47,010 AL: Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 1148 01:00:48,213 --> 01:00:51,180 Or wear red. Dumbass. 1149 01:00:56,655 --> 01:00:58,354 (ALL CHEERING) 1150 01:01:03,028 --> 01:01:04,594 (CLAMORING) 1151 01:01:07,265 --> 01:01:08,431 (GROANING) 1152 01:01:08,433 --> 01:01:09,699 (GUN FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) 1153 01:01:09,701 --> 01:01:11,334 WADE: Don't make me ask twice. 1154 01:01:12,570 --> 01:01:14,137 Where... 1155 01:01:14,139 --> 01:01:16,673 is Francis? 1156 01:01:16,675 --> 01:01:18,508 He made me ask twice. 1157 01:01:18,510 --> 01:01:20,576 Is the mask muffling my voice? 1158 01:01:25,317 --> 01:01:26,950 Where's Francis? 1159 01:01:27,552 --> 01:01:29,419 (GUN FIRING) 1160 01:01:29,421 --> 01:01:31,354 Where the fuck is Francis? 1161 01:01:31,990 --> 01:01:33,056 (GROANING) 1162 01:01:36,294 --> 01:01:37,560 (GROANING) 1163 01:01:37,562 --> 01:01:40,029 (WADE LAUGHING) 1164 01:01:40,031 --> 01:01:43,333 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 1165 01:01:43,335 --> 01:01:44,567 Where's Francis? 1166 01:01:44,569 --> 01:01:46,035 (WOMAN WHIMPERS) 1167 01:01:46,037 --> 01:01:47,670 No! Please! 1168 01:01:47,672 --> 01:01:50,606 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 1169 01:01:50,608 --> 01:01:51,674 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 1170 01:01:51,676 --> 01:01:54,577 Oh! You little spider monkey! 1171 01:01:54,579 --> 01:01:56,012 (TOILET FLUSHING) 1172 01:01:57,449 --> 01:02:01,050 Where... is... Francis? 1173 01:02:02,153 --> 01:02:03,353 This is confusing. 1174 01:02:03,355 --> 01:02:04,687 Is it sexist to hit you? 1175 01:02:04,689 --> 01:02:06,356 Is it more sexist to not hit you? 1176 01:02:06,358 --> 01:02:08,725 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 1177 01:02:08,727 --> 01:02:09,747 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 1178 01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,000 WHERE IS FRANCIS? 1179 01:02:12,497 --> 01:02:14,564 Tell me where your fucking boss is 1180 01:02:14,566 --> 01:02:16,432 or you're gonna die! 1181 01:02:16,434 --> 01:02:18,167 In five minutes! 1182 01:02:28,213 --> 01:02:30,113 (WHISPERS) Don't hesitate to call me. 1183 01:02:45,530 --> 01:02:47,730 Nice to see you, Jared. 1184 01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,633 I'll take the footlong... 1185 01:02:50,635 --> 01:02:51,701 Fully loaded. 1186 01:02:53,104 --> 01:02:54,270 (GRUNTING) (GUNS FIRING) 1187 01:02:59,110 --> 01:03:00,309 (PANTING) 1188 01:03:02,414 --> 01:03:03,713 (GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERS) 1189 01:03:05,784 --> 01:03:07,350 (GROANS) Whoa, whoa! 1190 01:03:07,352 --> 01:03:09,085 41 confirmed kills. 1191 01:03:09,087 --> 01:03:11,454 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 1192 01:03:12,223 --> 01:03:13,356 Mr. Wilson? 1193 01:03:13,358 --> 01:03:14,457 Ding-ding. 1194 01:03:15,260 --> 01:03:17,560 You're looking very alive. 1195 01:03:17,562 --> 01:03:19,829 Ha! Only on the outside! 1196 01:03:19,831 --> 01:03:21,497 This is not going to end well for me, is it? 1197 01:03:21,499 --> 01:03:22,799 This is not gonna end well for you, no. 1198 01:03:22,801 --> 01:03:24,167 Where's your boss? 1199 01:03:24,169 --> 01:03:25,668 I can tell you exactly... 1200 01:03:25,670 --> 01:03:27,437 (SHUSHING MOCKINGLY) 1201 01:03:27,439 --> 01:03:29,806 Oh, you'll tell me. But first... 1202 01:03:29,808 --> 01:03:32,275 You might wanna look away for this. 1203 01:03:32,277 --> 01:03:33,576 Now this little piggy went to... 1204 01:03:33,578 --> 01:03:34,744 (AGENT SMITH SCREAMS) 1205 01:03:35,580 --> 01:03:38,081 WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith. 1206 01:03:41,519 --> 01:03:42,585 Taxi! 1207 01:03:44,122 --> 01:03:46,422 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 1208 01:03:46,424 --> 01:03:48,291 (HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO) 1209 01:03:48,293 --> 01:03:49,933 WADE: And we all know how this turned out. 1210 01:03:52,564 --> 01:03:54,797 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 1211 01:04:02,707 --> 01:04:04,874 There. All caught up. 1212 01:04:04,876 --> 01:04:06,542 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) 1213 01:04:12,550 --> 01:04:15,151 We're here. 1214 01:04:15,153 --> 01:04:18,521 (GROANS) Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 1215 01:04:20,859 --> 01:04:22,525 (GRUNTS) 1216 01:04:24,696 --> 01:04:26,796 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 1217 01:04:27,298 --> 01:04:28,865 Whoo! 1218 01:04:28,867 --> 01:04:31,567 Some kinds of anger can't be managed... 1219 01:04:31,569 --> 01:04:33,736 like the kind where your year-long plan 1220 01:04:33,738 --> 01:04:37,340 ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 1221 01:04:37,342 --> 01:04:40,243 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, 1222 01:04:40,245 --> 01:04:42,478 there's no place like home. 1223 01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,580 Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met, 1224 01:04:44,582 --> 01:04:47,350 the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 1225 01:04:47,352 --> 01:04:49,252 God, I miss cocaine. 1226 01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:51,738 Her. 1227 01:04:51,739 --> 01:04:54,223 (GASPS) Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 1228 01:04:54,225 --> 01:04:57,326 That's like 16 walls. 1229 01:04:57,328 --> 01:04:58,794 She's like Robin to my Batman, 1230 01:04:58,796 --> 01:05:02,732 except she's old, and black, and blind. 1231 01:05:02,734 --> 01:05:04,767 And I think she's in love with me. 1232 01:05:04,769 --> 01:05:08,371 WADE: Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 1233 01:05:08,373 --> 01:05:09,572 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 1234 01:05:13,878 --> 01:05:15,278 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 1235 01:05:16,814 --> 01:05:18,281 (AL GROANS) 1236 01:05:18,283 --> 01:05:19,348 WADE: Al? 1237 01:05:21,619 --> 01:05:23,219 Morning, sleepyhead. 1238 01:05:23,221 --> 01:05:24,520 (GRUNTS) 1239 01:05:24,522 --> 01:05:26,689 It smells like old lady pants in here. 1240 01:05:26,691 --> 01:05:28,691 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 1241 01:05:28,693 --> 01:05:30,560 But you're no lady. 1242 01:05:30,562 --> 01:05:33,829 Oh! So comfy. 1243 01:05:33,831 --> 01:05:36,899 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 1244 01:05:36,901 --> 01:05:38,434 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 1245 01:05:38,436 --> 01:05:39,936 AL: Yes, I know. 1246 01:05:39,938 --> 01:05:42,705 Downside of being blind... 1247 01:05:42,707 --> 01:05:45,274 I hear everything in this duplex. 1248 01:05:45,276 --> 01:05:46,342 (GROANS) 1249 01:05:47,312 --> 01:05:48,544 Sit on a stick. 1250 01:05:48,546 --> 01:05:49,579 Bactin? 1251 01:05:49,581 --> 01:05:53,716 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 1252 01:05:54,786 --> 01:05:56,586 How's that Kullen coming along? 1253 01:05:56,588 --> 01:05:58,688 IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 1254 01:05:58,690 --> 01:06:01,691 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 1255 01:06:01,693 --> 01:06:04,327 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 1256 01:06:04,329 --> 01:06:06,862 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 1257 01:06:06,864 --> 01:06:10,967 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 1258 01:06:10,969 --> 01:06:13,836 Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 1259 01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:15,004 Screw, please. 1260 01:06:15,006 --> 01:06:16,572 Here? Now? Just kidding. 1261 01:06:16,574 --> 01:06:17,740 I know it's been decades. 1262 01:06:17,742 --> 01:06:18,908 You'd be surprised. 1263 01:06:19,611 --> 01:06:20,776 Pretty grossed out. 1264 01:06:22,714 --> 01:06:25,281 (GROANS) Ta... Da. 1265 01:06:30,855 --> 01:06:34,490 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 1266 01:06:34,492 --> 01:06:35,758 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, 1267 01:06:35,760 --> 01:06:37,026 "blind to life's imperfections. 1268 01:06:37,028 --> 01:06:38,811 "Must be good with hands." 1269 01:06:38,812 --> 01:06:40,595 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 1270 01:06:40,598 --> 01:06:42,565 Why such a douche this morning? 1271 01:06:43,334 --> 01:06:45,034 Let's recap. 1272 01:06:45,035 --> 01:06:46,735 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 1273 01:06:46,738 --> 01:06:48,537 slipped through my arms today... 1274 01:06:50,008 --> 01:06:51,707 Arm. 1275 01:06:51,709 --> 01:06:53,042 Catching him was my only chance 1276 01:06:53,044 --> 01:06:54,877 to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 1277 01:06:54,879 --> 01:06:57,346 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 1278 01:06:57,348 --> 01:06:59,348 So, yeah, today was about as much fun 1279 01:06:59,350 --> 01:07:00,983 as a sandpaper dildo. 1280 01:07:01,753 --> 01:07:02,885 (WADE FARTS) 1281 01:07:02,887 --> 01:07:04,553 # driveby. 1282 01:07:21,906 --> 01:07:23,939 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 1283 01:07:26,377 --> 01:07:29,045 Fucking Wade Wilson. 1284 01:07:29,047 --> 01:07:32,048 I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that. 1285 01:07:32,050 --> 01:07:33,716 I only wish I healed the same. 1286 01:07:37,655 --> 01:07:40,523 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 1287 01:07:40,525 --> 01:07:42,024 On our terms. 1288 01:07:42,026 --> 01:07:43,893 Right. And when he heals? 1289 01:07:44,829 --> 01:07:46,028 He can't. 1290 01:07:46,030 --> 01:07:48,664 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 1291 01:07:48,666 --> 01:07:52,702 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 1292 01:07:54,005 --> 01:07:55,604 I like a challenge. 1293 01:07:56,841 --> 01:07:58,974 But he's bad for business. 1294 01:07:58,976 --> 01:08:00,810 Now let's go find him. 1295 01:08:01,679 --> 01:08:02,745 Oh. 1296 01:08:03,681 --> 01:08:05,114 (WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY) 1297 01:08:05,116 --> 01:08:06,716 Tylenol PM? 1298 01:08:06,718 --> 01:08:09,618 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 1299 01:08:09,620 --> 01:08:11,987 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 1300 01:08:11,989 --> 01:08:16,058 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 1301 01:08:16,961 --> 01:08:18,861 (SIGHS) 1302 01:08:18,863 --> 01:08:21,831 But I appreciate the gesture. 1303 01:08:21,833 --> 01:08:26,435 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 1304 01:08:26,437 --> 01:08:28,471 About the size of a KFC spork. 1305 01:08:28,473 --> 01:08:30,373 Ugh. 1306 01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,608 I get why you're so pissy... 1307 01:08:32,610 --> 01:08:34,143 but your mood's never gonna brighten 1308 01:08:34,145 --> 01:08:35,611 till you find this woman... 1309 01:08:35,613 --> 01:08:36,979 and tell her how you feel. 1310 01:08:36,981 --> 01:08:38,681 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? 1311 01:08:38,683 --> 01:08:40,516 She wouldn't have me. 1312 01:08:40,518 --> 01:08:42,151 If you could see me, you'd understand. 1313 01:08:42,153 --> 01:08:43,486 Looks aren't everything. 1314 01:08:43,488 --> 01:08:44,620 Looks are everything. 1315 01:08:44,622 --> 01:08:46,722 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 1316 01:08:46,724 --> 01:08:49,058 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 1317 01:08:49,060 --> 01:08:50,626 You think Ryan Reynolds got this far 1318 01:08:50,628 --> 01:08:52,495 on his superior acting method? 1319 01:08:52,497 --> 01:08:53,763 Love is blind, Wade. 1320 01:08:53,765 --> 01:08:54,830 No. 1321 01:08:55,867 --> 01:08:57,800 You're blind. 1322 01:08:57,802 --> 01:09:00,770 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 1323 01:09:00,772 --> 01:09:02,872 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 1324 01:09:02,874 --> 01:09:03,906 and then I'm gonna come up with 1325 01:09:03,908 --> 01:09:05,108 a whole new Christmas Day plan. 1326 01:09:05,810 --> 01:09:07,076 In the meantime, 1327 01:09:07,078 --> 01:09:09,078 you might wanna leave the room. 1328 01:09:09,080 --> 01:09:11,680 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 1329 01:09:12,917 --> 01:09:16,085 Go, go, go. 1330 01:09:16,087 --> 01:09:17,887 WEASEL: So, the doctor says, "The bad news is 1331 01:09:17,889 --> 01:09:19,339 "you don't have that long to live." 1332 01:09:19,340 --> 01:09:20,790 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 1333 01:09:20,792 --> 01:09:22,758 The doctor says, "Five." 1334 01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,493 The guy says, "Five what?" 1335 01:09:24,495 --> 01:09:27,696 And the doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 1336 01:09:27,698 --> 01:09:28,898 (ALL LAUGHING) 1337 01:09:35,540 --> 01:09:37,039 Can I help you ladies? 1338 01:09:39,677 --> 01:09:40,843 Oh, I do hope so. 1339 01:09:44,949 --> 01:09:46,582 I heard you might be able to point me 1340 01:09:46,584 --> 01:09:49,685 in the direction of a, um, friend of mine. 1341 01:09:49,687 --> 01:09:50,753 Name of Wade Wilson. 1342 01:09:52,123 --> 01:09:53,456 Sorry. 1343 01:09:53,458 --> 01:09:54,990 I don't know the name. 1344 01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:04,733 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1345 01:10:08,239 --> 01:10:10,206 I've seen this girl. 1346 01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,707 FRANCIS: Ah, this must be Vanessa. 1347 01:10:11,709 --> 01:10:12,908 I've heard so much about you. 1348 01:10:13,544 --> 01:10:14,610 (GROANING) 1349 01:10:17,114 --> 01:10:19,882 Um, sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1350 01:10:19,884 --> 01:10:22,651 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1351 01:10:23,888 --> 01:10:25,721 Easy, Angel. 1352 01:10:25,723 --> 01:10:27,089 Put the little man down. 1353 01:10:28,693 --> 01:10:30,826 We have everything we need now. 1354 01:10:30,828 --> 01:10:32,628 You sure? 1355 01:10:32,630 --> 01:10:35,731 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1356 01:10:35,733 --> 01:10:38,534 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1357 01:10:40,605 --> 01:10:42,004 Whoo. 1358 01:10:42,006 --> 01:10:43,839 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1359 01:10:48,779 --> 01:10:51,146 Wade, we have a fucking problem. 1360 01:10:51,148 --> 01:10:53,916 And by "we," I mean "you." 1361 01:10:53,918 --> 01:10:56,051 Ah, I can't believe I'm doing this. 1362 01:10:56,053 --> 01:10:58,988 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1363 01:10:58,990 --> 01:11:01,156 Yeah, "afrangry", I guess. 1364 01:11:01,158 --> 01:11:03,025 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1365 01:11:03,027 --> 01:11:04,293 Fuck me! 1366 01:11:04,295 --> 01:11:06,295 Uh, maybe not start with that. 1367 01:11:06,297 --> 01:11:08,130 (TRAP MUSIC PLAYING) 1368 01:11:12,136 --> 01:11:15,604 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1369 01:11:15,606 --> 01:11:17,806 give it up for Chastity! 1370 01:11:17,808 --> 01:11:19,108 (ALL CHEERING) 1371 01:11:21,612 --> 01:11:23,913 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1372 01:11:23,915 --> 01:11:26,048 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1373 01:11:26,050 --> 01:11:27,683 How do you know she's in here? 1374 01:11:27,685 --> 01:11:30,853 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1375 01:11:44,902 --> 01:11:48,704 (MUSIC FADES OUT) 1376 01:11:55,813 --> 01:12:00,082 WADE: Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1377 01:12:00,084 --> 01:12:02,284 Especially from this angle. 1378 01:12:21,372 --> 01:12:22,705 (MUSIC FADES IN) 1379 01:12:22,707 --> 01:12:23,906 (MEN CHEERING) 1380 01:12:25,810 --> 01:12:27,109 ANNOUNCER: You can't buy love, 1381 01:12:27,111 --> 01:12:29,912 but you can rent it for three minutes. 1382 01:12:31,015 --> 01:12:32,081 (EXHALES) 1383 01:12:32,850 --> 01:12:35,651 Ah, you weak motherfucker! 1384 01:12:36,220 --> 01:12:37,286 Come on! 1385 01:12:38,389 --> 01:12:39,855 Come on, get it together. 1386 01:12:39,857 --> 01:12:41,924 This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1387 01:12:45,963 --> 01:12:47,296 Here we go. 1388 01:12:49,900 --> 01:12:51,667 Maximum effort. 1389 01:12:55,006 --> 01:12:56,171 Vanessa. 1390 01:12:58,743 --> 01:13:00,743 Someone out back asking for you. 1391 01:13:00,745 --> 01:13:02,911 Something about, uh, an old boyfriend. 1392 01:13:30,141 --> 01:13:31,273 I knew it was you. 1393 01:13:33,077 --> 01:13:35,110 The weird, curvy edges. 1394 01:13:36,681 --> 01:13:38,414 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1395 01:13:48,426 --> 01:13:50,392 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1396 01:13:53,097 --> 01:13:54,163 (VANESSA GROANS) 1397 01:13:59,336 --> 01:14:01,070 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1398 01:14:01,072 --> 01:14:03,038 Uh, I saw her head to the back. 1399 01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:04,406 Go get her, tiger. 1400 01:14:27,364 --> 01:14:29,865 (SOFTLY) Fuck. Fuck! 1401 01:14:32,369 --> 01:14:34,203 Motherfucker! 1402 01:14:34,205 --> 01:14:35,337 Wait, wait. Let's... Just... 1403 01:14:35,339 --> 01:14:36,405 Cock juggling... 1404 01:14:36,406 --> 01:14:37,472 We can talk about what we're gonna... 1405 01:14:37,475 --> 01:14:38,507 Jiminy! Fuck face! 1406 01:14:38,509 --> 01:14:39,942 Okay, or you can hit that. 1407 01:14:39,944 --> 01:14:41,844 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck! Fuck! 1408 01:14:41,846 --> 01:14:43,212 No, no. All right. Hey! 1409 01:14:43,214 --> 01:14:44,980 Fuck! Fuck! 1410 01:14:44,982 --> 01:14:46,515 Fuck! Hey, um... 1411 01:14:46,517 --> 01:14:49,118 Whoa! Whoa! Relax. Relax. Okay. 1412 01:14:49,120 --> 01:14:50,419 Okay. I think that's a good start. 1413 01:14:50,421 --> 01:14:52,488 Oh, I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... 1414 01:14:52,490 --> 01:14:53,756 (CELL PHONE RINGING) Wait. 1415 01:14:53,758 --> 01:14:55,224 Find it! Find it. What? 1416 01:14:55,226 --> 01:14:57,092 I'm gonna get angry. Okay. All right. 1417 01:14:57,094 --> 01:14:58,961 All right. Okay. All right. 1418 01:14:58,963 --> 01:15:00,262 Here. This is Vanessa. 1419 01:15:00,264 --> 01:15:02,297 What? No, wait. It's Francis. 1420 01:15:02,299 --> 01:15:05,100 He wants you to come to him. 1421 01:15:05,102 --> 01:15:06,869 What is that? That's the shit emoji. 1422 01:15:06,871 --> 01:15:09,004 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1423 01:15:09,006 --> 01:15:11,340 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1424 01:15:12,042 --> 01:15:13,275 I need guns. 1425 01:15:13,277 --> 01:15:14,409 Okay, which ones? 1426 01:15:14,411 --> 01:15:15,544 I need all the guns! 1427 01:15:15,546 --> 01:15:17,012 All right. Okay. 1428 01:15:17,014 --> 01:15:18,514 (HEAVY METAL PLAYING) 1429 01:15:37,468 --> 01:15:39,101 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1430 01:15:40,037 --> 01:15:42,404 We all know what I can do with 12. 1431 01:15:42,406 --> 01:15:44,573 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1432 01:15:44,575 --> 01:15:45,941 We're downrange. 1433 01:15:47,211 --> 01:15:48,877 I was gonna spend the night 1434 01:15:48,879 --> 01:15:52,014 assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest. 1435 01:15:52,016 --> 01:15:54,917 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje. 1436 01:15:54,919 --> 01:15:56,919 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1437 01:15:56,921 --> 01:15:59,588 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1438 01:15:59,590 --> 01:16:01,924 Nah, nah... Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1439 01:16:01,926 --> 01:16:03,392 Up, up, up. 1440 01:16:04,428 --> 01:16:05,961 Oh. Down, down, down. 1441 01:16:05,963 --> 01:16:07,029 Fuck you. 1442 01:16:08,833 --> 01:16:11,533 .45 cal. I like it. 1443 01:16:13,571 --> 01:16:15,003 Wade... 1444 01:16:16,106 --> 01:16:18,974 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1445 01:16:22,046 --> 01:16:23,345 Uh... 1446 01:16:23,347 --> 01:16:24,546 Listen, Al... 1447 01:16:25,516 --> 01:16:28,183 if I never see you again, 1448 01:16:28,185 --> 01:16:31,620 I want you to know that I love you very much. 1449 01:16:31,622 --> 01:16:35,490 And also, uh, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine 1450 01:16:35,492 --> 01:16:37,025 buried somewhere in the apartment... 1451 01:16:37,027 --> 01:16:39,862 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1452 01:16:45,202 --> 01:16:46,635 You wanna get fucked up? 1453 01:16:46,637 --> 01:16:48,303 (SEAGULLS SCREECHING) 1454 01:16:51,542 --> 01:16:54,076 (MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.) 1455 01:16:54,945 --> 01:16:56,511 (MUMBLING) 1456 01:16:56,513 --> 01:16:58,180 Put her down over here. 1457 01:16:59,650 --> 01:17:00,916 (WHIMPERS) 1458 01:17:03,420 --> 01:17:05,187 (MUMBLING CONTINUES) 1459 01:17:08,259 --> 01:17:09,491 Go on then. 1460 01:17:11,996 --> 01:17:14,997 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1461 01:17:14,999 --> 01:17:18,300 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1462 01:17:18,302 --> 01:17:20,135 I've been trying to tell you assholes, 1463 01:17:20,137 --> 01:17:21,536 you've got the wrong girl. 1464 01:17:21,538 --> 01:17:23,238 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1465 01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:27,009 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1466 01:17:27,011 --> 01:17:28,277 Like a cockroach... 1467 01:17:28,279 --> 01:17:30,545 but uglier. 1468 01:17:30,547 --> 01:17:35,183 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1469 01:17:35,185 --> 01:17:37,225 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1470 01:17:46,063 --> 01:17:47,529 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1471 01:17:48,165 --> 01:17:50,132 Fuck, you're old. 1472 01:17:50,134 --> 01:17:51,566 (CACKLES) 1473 01:17:51,568 --> 01:17:54,036 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1474 01:17:54,038 --> 01:17:55,370 Go get Silver Balls. 1475 01:17:55,372 --> 01:17:57,940 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1476 01:17:57,942 --> 01:17:59,174 Oh, like there's something wrong 1477 01:17:59,176 --> 01:18:00,709 with eating before sundown or saving money. 1478 01:18:00,711 --> 01:18:04,246 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1479 01:18:04,682 --> 01:18:06,615 He's got my girl. 1480 01:18:06,617 --> 01:18:08,450 You're gonna help me get her back. 1481 01:18:08,452 --> 01:18:10,352 COLOSSUS: Wade, is that you? 1482 01:18:10,354 --> 01:18:12,020 Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, 1483 01:18:12,022 --> 01:18:14,957 and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1484 01:18:17,461 --> 01:18:18,560 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1485 01:18:18,562 --> 01:18:20,128 It's a big house. 1486 01:18:20,130 --> 01:18:21,964 It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1487 01:18:21,966 --> 01:18:24,247 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1488 01:18:27,604 --> 01:18:29,237 WADE: And that is why, in my opinion... 1489 01:18:29,239 --> 01:18:32,975 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1490 01:18:32,977 --> 01:18:34,643 Who brought this twinkly man? 1491 01:18:34,645 --> 01:18:36,745 Twinkly, but deadly. 1492 01:18:36,747 --> 01:18:39,348 My chrome-penised friend back there 1493 01:18:39,350 --> 01:18:41,450 has agreed to do me this solid. 1494 01:18:41,452 --> 01:18:43,452 In exchange, I said that I would 1495 01:18:43,454 --> 01:18:45,487 consider joining his boy band. 1496 01:18:45,489 --> 01:18:46,755 It's not boy band. 1497 01:18:46,757 --> 01:18:48,590 Sure it's not. 1498 01:18:48,592 --> 01:18:51,626 (SIGHS LOUDLY) So, any luck winning Gita back? 1499 01:18:51,628 --> 01:18:54,229 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1500 01:18:54,231 --> 01:18:58,467 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1501 01:18:58,469 --> 01:19:00,302 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1502 01:19:02,339 --> 01:19:03,538 (MAN SCREAMS) 1503 01:19:03,540 --> 01:19:04,780 (PUNJABI MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 1504 01:19:06,143 --> 01:19:07,709 Dopinder. Hmm? 1505 01:19:09,113 --> 01:19:10,178 What was that? 1506 01:19:10,748 --> 01:19:12,147 Uh... 1507 01:19:12,149 --> 01:19:17,719 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1508 01:19:18,389 --> 01:19:20,456 Ban who? 1509 01:19:20,457 --> 01:19:22,524 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1510 01:19:22,526 --> 01:19:24,292 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1511 01:19:24,294 --> 01:19:26,294 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, 1512 01:19:26,296 --> 01:19:28,196 then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1513 01:19:29,400 --> 01:19:31,166 I did not tell him to do that. 1514 01:19:31,168 --> 01:19:33,769 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1515 01:19:33,771 --> 01:19:37,172 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1516 01:19:37,174 --> 01:19:38,807 (WHISPERS) I'm so proud of you. 1517 01:19:38,808 --> 01:19:40,441 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1518 01:19:40,444 --> 01:19:41,510 (WHISPERS) Kill him. 1519 01:19:41,512 --> 01:19:43,678 And then, win Gita back... 1520 01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:46,548 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1521 01:19:46,550 --> 01:19:48,150 (WHISPERS) Kidnap her. 1522 01:19:49,453 --> 01:19:50,652 He's super dead. 1523 01:19:51,188 --> 01:19:52,254 Whoa! 1524 01:19:56,160 --> 01:19:57,692 I presume a crisp high five? 1525 01:19:57,694 --> 01:20:00,562 For you? 10. 1526 01:20:00,564 --> 01:20:03,432 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1527 01:20:03,434 --> 01:20:05,400 (WHISPERS) You know what to do. 1528 01:20:06,303 --> 01:20:09,071 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1529 01:20:10,174 --> 01:20:12,240 Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas. 1530 01:20:13,577 --> 01:20:15,310 WADE: Not often a dude ruins your face... 1531 01:20:15,312 --> 01:20:18,313 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama... 1532 01:20:18,315 --> 01:20:20,082 and personally sees to four 1533 01:20:20,084 --> 01:20:22,484 of your five shittiest moments. 1534 01:20:22,486 --> 01:20:26,688 Let's just say it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1535 01:20:39,603 --> 01:20:41,103 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Hey. 1536 01:20:41,105 --> 01:20:42,404 Where's your duffle bag? 1537 01:20:43,740 --> 01:20:45,273 (PHONE RINGING) 1538 01:20:46,510 --> 01:20:50,378 (HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO) 1539 01:20:54,585 --> 01:20:55,717 (TRUCK HONKING) 1540 01:20:56,453 --> 01:20:57,586 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1541 01:20:57,588 --> 01:20:59,421 (THUDS) (BANDHU SCREAMS) 1542 01:21:01,225 --> 01:21:04,192 DOPINDER: Bandhu? 1543 01:21:04,194 --> 01:21:06,261 DOPINDER: Leave a message and have a happy day. 1544 01:21:06,263 --> 01:21:07,629 God damn it! 1545 01:21:07,631 --> 01:21:09,397 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way... 1546 01:21:09,399 --> 01:21:12,834 with two swords and maximum effort. 1547 01:21:13,770 --> 01:21:14,870 Cue the music. 1548 01:21:14,872 --> 01:21:17,172 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 1549 01:21:25,282 --> 01:21:26,581 (MUSIC STOPS) 1550 01:21:30,921 --> 01:21:33,922 FRANCIS: Wade Wilson! 1551 01:21:33,924 --> 01:21:35,657 What's my name? 1552 01:21:35,659 --> 01:21:37,859 Oh, I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1553 01:21:40,230 --> 01:21:41,363 Go get some. 1554 01:21:41,365 --> 01:21:42,531 Superhero landing. 1555 01:21:42,533 --> 01:21:43,665 She's gonna do a superhero landing. 1556 01:21:43,667 --> 01:21:44,733 Wait for it. 1557 01:21:47,938 --> 01:21:49,237 WADE: Whoo! 1558 01:21:49,239 --> 01:21:50,805 Superhero landing! 1559 01:21:50,807 --> 01:21:52,307 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1560 01:21:52,309 --> 01:21:54,276 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1561 01:21:54,278 --> 01:21:57,546 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1562 01:21:57,548 --> 01:21:58,847 That's why I brought him. 1563 01:21:58,849 --> 01:22:02,184 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1564 01:22:03,554 --> 01:22:05,587 (GROANS) 1565 01:22:09,293 --> 01:22:12,394 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1566 01:22:13,797 --> 01:22:15,964 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1567 01:22:15,966 --> 01:22:17,666 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1568 01:22:17,668 --> 01:22:19,201 There you go. Hashtag it. 1569 01:22:20,437 --> 01:22:22,370 Go get her, tiger. 1570 01:22:23,540 --> 01:22:25,407 (GROANS) 1571 01:22:28,845 --> 01:22:32,681 Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1572 01:22:33,417 --> 01:22:35,217 All right, then. Fire! 1573 01:22:35,219 --> 01:22:36,651 (GUNS FIRING) 1574 01:22:42,893 --> 01:22:43,959 (GRUNTS) 1575 01:22:46,630 --> 01:22:48,363 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1576 01:22:48,365 --> 01:22:49,464 Language, please. 1577 01:22:49,466 --> 01:22:50,699 Suck a cock. 1578 01:22:50,701 --> 01:22:52,267 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1579 01:23:16,627 --> 01:23:18,426 Look away, child. 1580 01:23:18,929 --> 01:23:20,462 Look away! 1581 01:23:21,031 --> 01:23:22,530 (SCREAMING) 1582 01:23:27,671 --> 01:23:29,004 WADE: Wait! 1583 01:23:29,006 --> 01:23:30,338 Wait! 1584 01:23:30,340 --> 01:23:31,373 Cease fire! 1585 01:23:31,375 --> 01:23:32,674 Cease fire! 1586 01:23:32,676 --> 01:23:34,309 WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1587 01:23:35,545 --> 01:23:39,381 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1588 01:23:39,383 --> 01:23:41,549 So, I'mma give you a chance 1589 01:23:41,551 --> 01:23:43,418 for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1590 01:23:43,420 --> 01:23:46,488 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1591 01:23:46,490 --> 01:23:50,058 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1592 01:23:50,060 --> 01:23:51,893 (GUNS FIRING) 1593 01:23:51,895 --> 01:23:53,061 Fine. 1594 01:23:53,063 --> 01:23:54,362 Commando! 1595 01:23:55,032 --> 01:23:56,598 (GRUNTING) 1596 01:24:02,939 --> 01:24:04,372 (EXHALING) 1597 01:24:04,975 --> 01:24:06,474 (GRUNTING) 1598 01:24:08,545 --> 01:24:09,644 (COLOSSUS GRUNTS) 1599 01:24:09,646 --> 01:24:10,712 (ANGEL DUST GROANS) 1600 01:24:14,951 --> 01:24:16,584 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1601 01:24:29,066 --> 01:24:30,332 (GROWLS) 1602 01:24:30,701 --> 01:24:31,800 (MEN GROANING) 1603 01:24:46,850 --> 01:24:47,916 (GRUNTING) 1604 01:25:06,370 --> 01:25:07,502 Teabag! 1605 01:25:11,875 --> 01:25:12,941 Bob? 1606 01:25:13,877 --> 01:25:15,127 Wade? 1607 01:25:15,128 --> 01:25:16,378 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1608 01:25:16,380 --> 01:25:18,680 Jacksonville. Fridays. Since TGI Fridays. 1609 01:25:19,483 --> 01:25:21,716 Well, what the hell! 1610 01:25:21,718 --> 01:25:23,385 God, come here, you. 1611 01:25:23,653 --> 01:25:25,453 (GRUNTS) 1612 01:25:25,455 --> 01:25:27,856 How are the kids? Good? 1613 01:25:27,858 --> 01:25:29,691 And Gail, she still fixing that tuna casserole? 1614 01:25:29,693 --> 01:25:31,526 So good. But bad for the waistline, 1615 01:25:31,528 --> 01:25:32,888 if you know what I'm talking about. 1616 01:25:37,167 --> 01:25:39,401 Oh! (CLEARS THROAT) 1617 01:25:39,403 --> 01:25:42,737 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1618 01:25:42,739 --> 01:25:44,005 That is so sweet. 1619 01:25:44,007 --> 01:25:45,140 Uh... 1620 01:25:45,142 --> 01:25:46,408 Thanks. 1621 01:25:46,676 --> 01:25:47,742 (GRUNTS) 1622 01:25:51,648 --> 01:25:52,714 (GROANS) 1623 01:25:58,488 --> 01:25:59,254 WADE: Yoo-hoo! 1624 01:25:59,255 --> 01:26:00,021 FRANCIS: Does he write you notes too? 1625 01:26:00,023 --> 01:26:02,424 He's such a romantic. 1626 01:26:02,426 --> 01:26:03,826 WADE: Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1627 01:26:05,028 --> 01:26:06,561 Fire! 1628 01:26:06,563 --> 01:26:07,829 (GUNS FIRING) 1629 01:26:13,770 --> 01:26:15,537 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Hey! 1630 01:26:15,539 --> 01:26:16,604 Climb on! 1631 01:26:18,108 --> 01:26:20,175 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) 1632 01:26:27,717 --> 01:26:28,783 (SCREAMING) 1633 01:26:34,691 --> 01:26:36,191 (GROANING) 1634 01:26:53,577 --> 01:26:55,076 Motherfucking... 1635 01:27:06,490 --> 01:27:08,957 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1636 01:27:11,728 --> 01:27:12,927 You were right, beautiful. 1637 01:27:13,763 --> 01:27:15,630 Red really is my color. 1638 01:27:16,132 --> 01:27:17,265 Wade? 1639 01:27:17,267 --> 01:27:18,733 Don't worry, baby... 1640 01:27:18,735 --> 01:27:21,135 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1641 01:27:21,137 --> 01:27:23,571 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1642 01:27:23,573 --> 01:27:25,507 Oh, you never left. 1643 01:27:25,509 --> 01:27:27,642 But you did, asshole! 1644 01:27:27,644 --> 01:27:29,077 Ah, deep breath, darling. 1645 01:27:30,647 --> 01:27:31,813 Oh, wait. 1646 01:27:32,849 --> 01:27:34,549 Wrong choice of words. 1647 01:27:35,585 --> 01:27:37,585 (CHOKING) 1648 01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:39,586 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1649 01:27:39,589 --> 01:27:40,722 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1650 01:27:41,992 --> 01:27:44,626 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1651 01:27:44,628 --> 01:27:45,727 When I'm finished... 1652 01:27:45,729 --> 01:27:47,629 parts will have to grow back you. 1653 01:27:47,631 --> 01:27:48,796 Good one. 1654 01:27:49,666 --> 01:27:51,599 Yep, that was a good one. 1655 01:27:51,601 --> 01:27:52,667 Let's dance. 1656 01:27:53,904 --> 01:27:55,136 And by dance, I mean... 1657 01:27:55,138 --> 01:27:56,771 let's try to kill each other. 1658 01:27:56,773 --> 01:27:58,106 (GRUNTING) (METAL CLANKING) 1659 01:28:06,149 --> 01:28:07,815 (GASPING) 1660 01:28:07,817 --> 01:28:08,983 (GRUNTING) 1661 01:28:13,890 --> 01:28:14,956 (GROANS) 1662 01:28:33,310 --> 01:28:34,742 (COLOSSUS GROANING) 1663 01:28:38,682 --> 01:28:39,881 (CHOKING) 1664 01:28:50,961 --> 01:28:53,361 Fine. Fists. 1665 01:28:53,363 --> 01:28:55,597 Oh, sounds like your last Saturday night. 1666 01:28:55,599 --> 01:28:56,998 (GRUNTING) 1667 01:29:22,025 --> 01:29:23,358 (GROANING) 1668 01:29:35,639 --> 01:29:36,904 (GRUNTING) 1669 01:29:41,978 --> 01:29:43,911 (VANESSA GROANS) 1670 01:30:17,180 --> 01:30:19,280 Asshole! 1671 01:30:25,755 --> 01:30:26,854 (FRANCIS GRUNTS) 1672 01:30:27,323 --> 01:30:28,890 (GROANS) 1673 01:30:37,100 --> 01:30:38,733 (GRUNTING) 1674 01:30:47,477 --> 01:30:48,743 (EXPLODING) 1675 01:30:58,455 --> 01:31:00,154 (GRUNTING) 1676 01:31:10,867 --> 01:31:11,933 (SCREAMS) 1677 01:31:15,505 --> 01:31:17,105 Hang in there, baby! 1678 01:31:17,107 --> 01:31:19,173 Wade! I gotcha! 1679 01:31:22,412 --> 01:31:24,879 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1680 01:31:24,881 --> 01:31:26,013 (GRUNTING) 1681 01:31:35,125 --> 01:31:36,290 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1682 01:31:37,961 --> 01:31:40,061 (VANESSA SCREAMING) 1683 01:31:42,165 --> 01:31:44,832 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1684 01:31:49,305 --> 01:31:51,072 (PANTING) 1685 01:31:59,916 --> 01:32:01,949 Ah! Damn it! 1686 01:32:02,786 --> 01:32:05,787 Maximum effort! 1687 01:32:06,923 --> 01:32:08,222 (VANESSA SCREAMS) 1688 01:32:25,008 --> 01:32:26,407 (RUMBLING) 1689 01:32:44,594 --> 01:32:46,027 (GRUNTS) 1690 01:32:48,031 --> 01:32:49,096 Thanks. 1691 01:32:54,037 --> 01:32:55,570 Just take it slow. 1692 01:33:02,278 --> 01:33:03,845 WADE: Yoo-hoo! 1693 01:33:06,082 --> 01:33:08,850 Oh, my God! That was so... 1694 01:33:08,852 --> 01:33:10,017 (GRUNTING) 1695 01:33:36,246 --> 01:33:38,379 (EXHALING HEAVILY) 1696 01:33:38,381 --> 01:33:39,647 (FRANCIS LAUGHS) 1697 01:33:39,649 --> 01:33:42,350 There are no words! 1698 01:33:42,352 --> 01:33:46,087 Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. 1699 01:33:46,656 --> 01:33:48,022 What? 1700 01:33:48,591 --> 01:33:50,258 (CHUCKLES) 1701 01:33:50,260 --> 01:33:53,394 You stupid fucking idiot. 1702 01:33:53,396 --> 01:33:58,099 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1703 01:33:59,936 --> 01:34:01,302 What? 1704 01:34:01,304 --> 01:34:02,403 You heard me. 1705 01:34:04,173 --> 01:34:05,339 No. 1706 01:34:05,341 --> 01:34:06,574 No! 1707 01:34:06,576 --> 01:34:08,042 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1708 01:34:08,044 --> 01:34:09,610 (LAUGHING AND COUGHING) 1709 01:34:13,917 --> 01:34:17,518 So, you mean to say... 1710 01:34:17,520 --> 01:34:22,390 after all this, you can't fix me? 1711 01:34:22,392 --> 01:34:24,525 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1712 01:34:24,527 --> 01:34:26,460 Like the kind of stupid who admits 1713 01:34:26,462 --> 01:34:29,630 he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1714 01:34:33,503 --> 01:34:35,369 Any last words? 1715 01:34:37,206 --> 01:34:38,339 What's my name? 1716 01:34:39,375 --> 01:34:40,508 Who fucking cares? 1717 01:34:40,510 --> 01:34:41,575 COLOSSUS: Wade! 1718 01:34:43,212 --> 01:34:46,080 Four or five moments. 1719 01:34:46,082 --> 01:34:47,815 I'm sorry? 1720 01:34:47,816 --> 01:34:49,549 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1721 01:34:50,186 --> 01:34:51,252 To? 1722 01:34:52,155 --> 01:34:53,487 Be a hero. 1723 01:34:54,090 --> 01:34:55,523 (GROANS) 1724 01:34:55,525 --> 01:34:58,426 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1725 01:34:58,428 --> 01:35:00,728 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, 1726 01:35:00,730 --> 01:35:02,163 go to work a hero. 1727 01:35:02,498 --> 01:35:04,398 Not true. 1728 01:35:04,400 --> 01:35:07,601 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments 1729 01:35:07,603 --> 01:35:10,237 that really matter. 1730 01:35:10,239 --> 01:35:12,673 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1731 01:35:12,675 --> 01:35:15,443 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, 1732 01:35:15,445 --> 01:35:17,078 save a friend... 1733 01:35:17,513 --> 01:35:20,681 spare an enemy. 1734 01:35:20,683 --> 01:35:22,249 In these moments... 1735 01:35:23,019 --> 01:35:26,420 everything else falls away. 1736 01:35:26,422 --> 01:35:29,423 The way the world sees us. 1737 01:35:29,425 --> 01:35:30,491 The way we... 1738 01:35:31,394 --> 01:35:33,027 (RETCHING) 1739 01:35:34,630 --> 01:35:35,763 Why? 1740 01:35:37,033 --> 01:35:39,100 You were droning on. 1741 01:35:39,102 --> 01:35:42,169 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread... 1742 01:35:42,171 --> 01:35:45,206 but at least fuckface won't heal from that. 1743 01:35:45,208 --> 01:35:48,275 If wearing superhero tights... 1744 01:35:48,277 --> 01:35:49,677 means sparing psychopaths... 1745 01:35:49,679 --> 01:35:52,046 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1746 01:35:52,048 --> 01:35:54,382 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1747 01:35:54,384 --> 01:35:55,483 Just promise... 1748 01:35:55,485 --> 01:35:57,218 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout 1749 01:35:57,220 --> 01:35:59,453 for the next four moments. 1750 01:35:59,455 --> 01:36:01,188 (WHISPERS) Oh, shit. 1751 01:36:01,190 --> 01:36:04,792 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, 1752 01:36:04,794 --> 01:36:07,194 about to stand in front of a girl... 1753 01:36:07,196 --> 01:36:08,496 and tell her... 1754 01:36:08,498 --> 01:36:10,564 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1755 01:36:10,566 --> 01:36:14,035 Well, hmm, you better figure it out. 1756 01:36:15,371 --> 01:36:16,637 I can't even tell you... (GRUNTS) 1757 01:36:16,639 --> 01:36:18,506 I deserved that. That, too. 1758 01:36:18,508 --> 01:36:20,274 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1759 01:36:20,276 --> 01:36:22,243 Start talking! 1760 01:36:24,213 --> 01:36:26,080 I'm sorry. 1761 01:36:26,082 --> 01:36:28,315 I'm so sorry. 1762 01:36:28,317 --> 01:36:30,818 (STUTTERS) For everything, I'm sorry for leaving... 1763 01:36:32,355 --> 01:36:34,455 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1764 01:36:34,457 --> 01:36:36,290 It's been rough couple of years. 1765 01:36:36,292 --> 01:36:37,358 Rough? 1766 01:36:45,134 --> 01:36:47,068 I live in a crackhouse. 1767 01:36:48,204 --> 01:36:49,537 With a family of 12. 1768 01:36:51,274 --> 01:36:52,740 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1769 01:36:52,742 --> 01:36:55,810 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1770 01:36:55,812 --> 01:36:57,578 There's nothing that we don't share. 1771 01:36:57,580 --> 01:37:01,782 Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1772 01:37:09,792 --> 01:37:12,193 So, you live in a house. 1773 01:37:20,803 --> 01:37:23,838 I should have come and found you sooner. 1774 01:37:25,341 --> 01:37:26,674 But, baby, the guy under this mask, 1775 01:37:26,676 --> 01:37:29,376 he ain't the same one that you remember. 1776 01:37:33,616 --> 01:37:34,849 You mean this mask? 1777 01:37:54,904 --> 01:37:56,637 And this one. 1778 01:37:58,141 --> 01:37:59,840 In case the other fell off. 1779 01:38:02,745 --> 01:38:05,212 All right. Yeah, just... Ow. 1780 01:38:05,214 --> 01:38:06,814 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1781 01:38:06,816 --> 01:38:09,150 Owdie 5,000. 1782 01:38:09,152 --> 01:38:10,284 Wait, wait, wait... 1783 01:38:12,155 --> 01:38:13,420 Are you sure? 1784 01:38:15,258 --> 01:38:16,323 I'm sure. 1785 01:38:26,536 --> 01:38:27,601 Wow. 1786 01:38:28,838 --> 01:38:30,204 Yeah. 1787 01:38:36,879 --> 01:38:38,412 Hey. 1788 01:38:40,550 --> 01:38:42,783 After a brief adjustment period... 1789 01:38:42,785 --> 01:38:44,785 and a bunch of drinks... 1790 01:38:46,255 --> 01:38:48,289 it's a face... 1791 01:38:52,595 --> 01:38:54,361 I'd be happy to sit on. 1792 01:39:01,671 --> 01:39:05,306 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1793 01:39:05,308 --> 01:39:06,740 No. 1794 01:39:06,742 --> 01:39:08,742 Super-penis. 1795 01:39:08,744 --> 01:39:10,844 COLOSSUS: Come on, Wade. Language. 1796 01:39:10,846 --> 01:39:12,413 Young one is present. 1797 01:39:13,416 --> 01:39:15,349 What are you still doing? 1798 01:39:15,351 --> 01:39:17,952 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1799 01:39:17,954 --> 01:39:20,821 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1800 01:39:20,823 --> 01:39:22,656 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1801 01:39:22,658 --> 01:39:24,625 And you, chicken noodle... 1802 01:39:24,627 --> 01:39:26,527 Nothing compares to you. 1803 01:39:26,529 --> 01:39:28,629 Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1804 01:39:28,631 --> 01:39:31,465 That's all right. You're cool. 1805 01:39:31,467 --> 01:39:32,666 (GASPS) 1806 01:39:33,336 --> 01:39:34,935 What in the ass? 1807 01:39:34,937 --> 01:39:38,505 That was not mean. I'm proud of you! 1808 01:39:38,507 --> 01:39:41,675 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1809 01:39:41,677 --> 01:39:42,977 For a second there, 1810 01:39:42,979 --> 01:39:44,812 it felt like we were three mini-lion robots... 1811 01:39:44,814 --> 01:39:47,248 coming together to form one super robot. 1812 01:39:47,883 --> 01:39:49,283 There's a stupid. 1813 01:39:49,285 --> 01:39:50,384 Yeah. 1814 01:39:53,689 --> 01:39:58,259 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1815 01:40:01,797 --> 01:40:02,963 Come here. 1816 01:40:05,901 --> 01:40:07,701 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 1817 01:40:10,940 --> 01:40:12,806 (LAUGHING) 1818 01:40:12,808 --> 01:40:15,843 Wham! As promised. 1819 01:40:21,017 --> 01:40:22,816 (MAN VOCALIZING) 1820 01:40:28,824 --> 01:40:30,424 WADE: See? 1821 01:40:30,426 --> 01:40:33,694 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1822 01:40:33,696 --> 01:40:36,997 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1823 01:40:36,999 --> 01:40:40,634 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1824 01:40:40,636 --> 01:40:42,336 There we go, that looks nice. 1825 01:40:42,338 --> 01:40:43,470 That's gonna be about the only thing 1826 01:40:43,472 --> 01:40:44,772 that's pulling out tonight. 1827 01:40:44,774 --> 01:40:48,008 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1828 01:40:48,010 --> 01:40:49,677 'Til next time, this is 1829 01:40:49,679 --> 01:40:51,912 your friendly neighborhood pool guy singin'... 1830 01:40:51,914 --> 01:40:54,415 ♪ I'm never gonna dance again 1831 01:40:54,417 --> 01:40:57,885 ♪ The way I danced with you ♪ 1832 01:46:53,208 --> 01:46:56,276 Captioned by Deluxe 1833 01:47:07,790 --> 01:47:09,356 You're still here? 1834 01:47:11,960 --> 01:47:15,062 It's over. Go home. 1835 01:47:16,765 --> 01:47:19,232 Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. 1836 01:47:19,234 --> 01:47:22,069 Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1837 01:47:22,071 --> 01:47:25,105 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1838 01:47:25,107 --> 01:47:27,874 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1839 01:47:27,876 --> 01:47:29,443 Go. Go. 1840 01:47:34,783 --> 01:47:36,550 Oh. 1841 01:47:36,551 --> 01:47:38,318 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1842 01:47:38,320 --> 01:47:41,488 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1843 01:47:41,490 --> 01:47:44,057 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1844 01:47:44,059 --> 01:47:45,225 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, 1845 01:47:45,227 --> 01:47:46,359 but it could be anybody. 1846 01:47:46,361 --> 01:47:47,994 Just need a big guy with a flat top. 1847 01:47:47,996 --> 01:47:49,796 Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... 1848 01:47:49,798 --> 01:47:52,232 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1849 01:47:52,234 --> 01:47:53,800 Anyway, big secret. Shh... 1850 01:47:53,802 --> 01:47:55,836 Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. 1851 01:47:55,838 --> 01:47:58,238 It's a total dick move. 1852 01:47:59,141 --> 01:48:00,273 Go. 126485

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