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♪ ♪
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ANNOUNCER: Okay, fellas,
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welcome your next dancer to the
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stage.
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She's 876-530-FINE.
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Let's hear it for Jenny.
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♪ ♪
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(squeaking)
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♪ ♪
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(clang)
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(pop)
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(beeping)
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JENNY MCCARTHY: Ow! Fuck!
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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
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gentlemen, give it up for the
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creator of Dirty Sexy Funny,
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the woman that puts the word
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"ho" into hosting...
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Jenny...
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McCarthy!
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JENNY: Come on, this is my
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first comedy special, yo.
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I need to hear you fucking
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scream!
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(crowd cheering)
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Thank you!
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♪ ♪
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Welcome to Dirty Sexy Funny.
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I'm your host Jenny McCarthy.
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(crowd cheering)
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Thank you.
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Let me get some camel toe going
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for you.
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Hold on.
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You know, so many people have
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come up to me and said, "Oh, my
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God, Jenny, I can't believe
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you're doing standup."
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And I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm
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totally fucking not."
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I have, like, three knock-knock
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jokes and that's about it.
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But... I do love me some raw
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dirty comedy.
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Do you guys?
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(crowd cheering)
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Well, tonight I brought with me
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the dirtiest, the sexiest,
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funniest bitches I could find.
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Literally, it took me, like, two
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years to find these babes, and,
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I promise you, they are all as
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perverted and sick as I am.
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(crowd cheering)
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I mean, they can't push
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Ping-Pong balls out of their
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pussy like me.
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All right, our funny lady coming
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out right now studied theater,
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film and television at the
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University of Colorado at
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Denver.
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She took classes at the
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Groundlings and at Upright
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Citizens Brigade before she
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realized, "Wow, that was a
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complete fucking waste of time."
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Give it up to Justine Marino!
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♪ ♪
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(crowd cheering)
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♪ ♪
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JUSTINE MARINO: Wow, what's
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up?
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Guys, Vegas.
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How's it going? (groans)
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Are you guys on a date?
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Oh, you haven't talked about it
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yet.
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I love this.
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It just got real awkward.
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I'm usually like you... I never
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know if I'm on a date.
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I never know what to wear, which
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is why I usually just throw on a
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wedding dress and hope for the
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best.
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I'm single. I see... I feel like
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you guys, some of you are
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single.
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You made a lot of noise in the
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beginning there.
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We do that in public as single
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ladies.
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Like, we make a lot of fucking
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noise.
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Like, we make everyone think
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that we're very okay with being
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alone in public.
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We're like, "Yeah, fuck men.
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I don't need no man.
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I'm independent.
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I listen to Beyoncé and shit."
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On the inside, we are one Adele
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song away from just losing our
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shit, folks.
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Just, like, emotional eating the
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fuck out of some guacamole.
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Or some Krispy Kreme.
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Oh, my God. I should not be
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allowed within 50 feet of a
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Krispy Kreme for any reason.
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Like, donuts should really be
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called do-nots for me 'cause
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when that... when that "Hot
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Donuts" sign comes on, that's
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like the Bat-Signal for me,
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folks.
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Like, I am in my car and there
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lickety-split.
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I was there last Friday night...
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'cause I'm single... and, um...
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I order four donuts and the
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woman's like, "Are you sure you
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don't want to make that a
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dozen?"
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And I'm just like, "From four?
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Really?
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Like, that's eight additional
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donuts, ma'am.
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That's literally triple my
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order, number one.
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Number two, you can see I'm
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alone.
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It's Friday night.
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You hear the Celine Dion.
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Bitch, don't kick me when I'm
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down.
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But I will take two more
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crullers.
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Fuck it. Give me the dozen.
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Cathy, you know me.
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Just box up the ushe.
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The diet starts tomorrow."
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That's what we do, us girls,
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right?
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We make up all these weird
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caloric justifications in our
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head.
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Like, "Oh, yeah, I can eat this
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entire sheet cake right now.
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I'll just suck on ice cubes till
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the end of time."
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That or we work out like crazy
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people.
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I work out so intensely, I
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recently had a guy come up to me
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at the gym and ask me if I was
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training for an event.
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I was like, "Yeah, Cheesecake
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Factory 2014."
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I work out so intensely, I had
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an injury recently.
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I had to go to physical therapy.
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And my physical therapist was
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telling me about how I have this
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misalignment in my hips and how
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to properly get in and out of
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bed to help fix the problem.
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So she's like, "So, when you're
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getting into your bed, just
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scoot your significant other
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over to the other side."
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And I was like, "Whoa, whoa,
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whoa, ma'am, um, how large do
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you think my vibrator is?
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I mean..."
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Is anyone doing a booty call
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later tonight?
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Maybe that's what this situation
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is here.
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(crowd whooping)
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(whoops) I love it. You guys...
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See, Vegas is into it.
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Most people are, like, afraid to
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admit that.
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Like, I'm down with a good booty
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call.
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I love that shit.
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I love the bullshit leading up
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to the booty call.
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Right? Like, the "let's get
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together and watch a movie at
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4:00 in the morning."
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I find that the music that one
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plays during a booty call is
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very indicative as to how it's
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gonna go, you know?
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Like, if the person turns on
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Usher, this is gonna be some
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sweet lovemaking.
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It's gonna be very sensual and
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hot.
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But if they turn on Lil' Kim,
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you're about to get straight
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fucked, people.
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Like, this is the Queen Bee.
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She's not fucking around.
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Even her clean lyrics are
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filthy.
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But if they turn on, like, Sade
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or Coldplay or something of this
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nature, you need to leave
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immediately, all right?
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This is not a booty call.
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This person has an intense
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emotional connection to you.
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You need to peace the fuck out,
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guys.
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Get out of there.
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I don't want to brag, but I-I
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recently crushed a pregnancy
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test.
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Ladies, sweet...
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(crowd cheering)
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Yeah. Here are my whores over
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here.
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Over there, too.
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There's nothing like that sweet
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relief.
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Like, fuck Xanax.
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Next time I have a panic
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attack, I'm just gonna piss on
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some e.p.t.s, guys.
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Like, I'll make it rain negative
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reads all over my apartment.
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My roommate will come home.
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Like, "Um, why is there piss
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everywhere?"
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"Who cares? Not pregnant.
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Let's go to Krispy Kreme.
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Cathy's working."
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I swear to God though, that shit
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came up negative so fast,
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like, I was almost insulted, you
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know?
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Like, as if to say, "Uh, bitch,
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please.
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You do not get pregnant by
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yourself at the Cheesecake
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Factory.
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Go have some unprotected sex."
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Which I would never do.
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I'm so paranoid about getting
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pregnant.
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Like, the first time I had sex,
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I was on birth control, we used
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a condom and I still got a
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morning-after pill the next day.
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And then when I got home, I
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threw myself down the stairs.
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Just to be safe, guys.
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Another good form of birth
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control: hand jobs, ladies.
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Anyone given these?
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Raise the roof...
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for your hand job.
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Yeah, two hands. Watch out.
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Double-fisting up front.
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(clicks tongue)
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I don't know how to approach a
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hand job.
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Personally, it's probably best
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if I just give you a pat on the
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back, you know?
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'Cause that's probably gonna be
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a more enjoyable situation for
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both of us.
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Like, my instinct, I want to
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come up from behind the guy,
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right?
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You're just staring at me
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blankly.
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Like, "Is this bitch for real?"
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Hear me out on this.
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Like, that feels like the best
286
00:09:12,933 --> 00:09:14,299
angle, you know?
287
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:15,699
But if I'm getting down with a
288
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:16,832
guy and it's getting hot and
289
00:09:16,833 --> 00:09:17,833
heavy and I'm gonna go to give
290
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,199
him a hand job and I'm like,
291
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,499
"Now just turn around."
292
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:21,500
He'd be like, "What the fuck are
293
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:23,366
you doing?
294
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:24,699
Why are there donuts and
295
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,999
pregnancy tests all over?
296
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,099
This is very odd.
297
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:31,100
Lil' Kim is playing.
298
00:09:31,101 --> 00:09:33,366
This is weird. Weird shit."
299
00:09:33,367 --> 00:09:34,766
But this just doesn't seem
300
00:09:34,767 --> 00:09:36,366
effective, guys, and this is
301
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,099
pretty much my hand job, right?
302
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,199
Like, it's not good.
303
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,332
It's at a 90-degree angle.
304
00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:43,466
It looks like I'm cooking
305
00:09:43,467 --> 00:09:45,433
something on a griddle.
306
00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:50,032
Or perhaps playing a
307
00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:51,899
noncompetitive game of foosball,
308
00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:53,166
you know?
309
00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:54,866
Like, not a lot at stake with
310
00:09:54,867 --> 00:09:56,732
this hand job.
311
00:09:56,733 --> 00:09:58,299
What do you even say during a
312
00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,532
hand job this horrific, you
313
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:00,333
know?
314
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:01,699
Like, "How's your day?" Right?
315
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:03,299
"Was Todd at work today?
316
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,300
You love when Todd's there.
317
00:10:04,301 --> 00:10:05,566
You guys have lunch together?"
318
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:06,567
Like, just very conversational
319
00:10:06,568 --> 00:10:08,566
mundane shit.
320
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:09,632
That or do I have, like, a weird
321
00:10:09,633 --> 00:10:10,899
stare-down with the guy?
322
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:13,066
Just like...
323
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:14,532
"I am not blinking till you
324
00:10:14,533 --> 00:10:16,666
come, motherfucker.
325
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:17,699
We're gonna be here a long
326
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,699
time."
327
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,866
That or I'd love to one day get
328
00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:23,432
super creative and do, like, the
329
00:10:23,433 --> 00:10:24,433
opening bars from the film The
330
00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:25,433
Lion King.
331
00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:26,433
Just like...
332
00:10:26,434 --> 00:10:27,566
(singing gibberish to the tune
333
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:29,533
(of "The Circle of Life")
334
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,832
Whatever the fuck they say.
335
00:10:35,833 --> 00:10:36,833
What are they saying?
336
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:39,299
No one knows.
337
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,766
I feel like weird shit gets said
338
00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,699
in the bedroom.
339
00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:44,432
By far, my favorite: "I'm gonna
340
00:10:44,433 --> 00:10:47,432
fuck the shit out of you."
341
00:10:47,433 --> 00:10:48,966
"I'm sorry, what?
342
00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:50,599
You're gonna fuck me to the
343
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,499
point of defecation?
344
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:53,999
I don't know that I'm okay with
345
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,232
this.
346
00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:57,466
How 'bout a hand job, huh?"
347
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,932
(singing gibberish)
348
00:10:59,933 --> 00:11:01,066
You guys have been a lot of fun.
349
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,132
Thank you so much.
350
00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:03,232
(crowd cheering)
351
00:11:03,233 --> 00:11:05,200
♪ ♪
352
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,999
JENNY: She's so cute.
353
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,566
Thanks, girl.
354
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:12,232
So spunky with all that energy.
355
00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:13,233
Probably 'cause she doesn't
356
00:11:13,233 --> 00:11:14,233
have any kids.
357
00:11:14,233 --> 00:11:15,233
Do you guys have any kids out
358
00:11:15,233 --> 00:11:16,233
there?
359
00:11:16,234 --> 00:11:17,766
(crowd cheering)
360
00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:19,032
And do you ever want to just
361
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:21,266
punch 'em in the face sometimes?
362
00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:22,832
I know, I'm really kind of hard
363
00:11:22,833 --> 00:11:24,766
on myself because I know... I've
364
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,166
accepted it... that I'm not a
365
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:28,999
very good role model for my son.
366
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,332
But I figured out a loophole.
367
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:34,032
I just lie to him.
368
00:11:34,033 --> 00:11:36,000
Like this.
369
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:44,399
(knocking)
370
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,699
What?
371
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:48,199
BOY: What are you doing?
372
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,566
JENNY: Nothing!
373
00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:51,966
BOY: I smell smoke.
374
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,599
JENNY: I don't!
375
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,567
BOY: I do!
376
00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:01,499
Maybe the house is on fire.
377
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:02,732
BOY: Yeah, right.
378
00:12:02,733 --> 00:12:03,733
(vibrator buzzing)
379
00:12:03,734 --> 00:12:04,766
(knocking)
380
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:05,899
BOY: Hey, Mom, what are you
381
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:06,900
doing?
382
00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:08,932
I need some chicken nuggets.
383
00:12:08,933 --> 00:12:11,066
JENNY: Uh... I'm just, uh,
384
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:13,766
vacuuming... some, uh,
385
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,166
dirty stuff here.
386
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,732
BOY: But the vacuum is out
387
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:18,166
here.
388
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,932
JENNY: Um, just blowing.
389
00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:23,299
It's a... it's a leaf blower.
390
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:24,866
BOY: Inside?
391
00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:26,132
JENNY: No. (gasps)
392
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:27,166
I'm not all the way inside.
393
00:12:27,167 --> 00:12:28,167
(sharp breathing)
394
00:12:28,168 --> 00:12:29,399
BOY: Why is the door locked?
395
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,566
I don't believe you.
396
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:32,666
JENNY: Uh, I'm, uh, I'm...
397
00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:33,732
I'll be out in a second, I'm
398
00:12:33,733 --> 00:12:34,733
just blow-drying.
399
00:12:34,733 --> 00:12:35,733
(whispers): Oh, just one more
400
00:12:35,734 --> 00:12:36,766
minute.
401
00:12:36,767 --> 00:12:39,366
(gasping)
402
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,366
BOY: Are you texting?
403
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:42,367
JENNY: What?
404
00:12:42,368 --> 00:12:43,399
BOY: Are you texting?
405
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:44,400
JENNY: No.
406
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,400
BOY: Yes, you are.
407
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,400
JENNY: No, I'm not.
408
00:12:46,401 --> 00:12:47,532
BOY: Yes, you are.
409
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:48,533
JENNY: I'm not on my phone.
410
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:49,832
BOY: Yes, you are.
411
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:50,932
JENNY: No, I'm not.
412
00:12:50,933 --> 00:12:51,933
BOY: Who are you texting?!
413
00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:52,933
You switched hands!
414
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:53,933
JENNY: I don't know what
415
00:12:53,933 --> 00:12:54,933
you're talking about, I'm not
416
00:12:54,933 --> 00:12:55,733
texting!
417
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,132
(car horns blaring)
418
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:58,699
(Jenny screams)
419
00:12:58,700 --> 00:12:59,999
BOY: Wow, you're texting
420
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,266
still!
421
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:02,332
JENNY: No, I'm not.
422
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:04,599
(crowd cheering)
423
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:05,632
(phone chimes)
424
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:06,666
Hold on one second.
425
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:07,999
(phone chimes)
426
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,766
Okay, our next comedian defied
427
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,066
her agent's wishes when she
428
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:12,966
performed seven months pregnant.
429
00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:14,499
They told her that they had
430
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:15,599
never seen a pregnant woman
431
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:16,600
on stage.
432
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:17,732
Apparently, they've never been
433
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:18,766
to a really bad strip club.
434
00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:21,166
Please welcome the very classy
435
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,332
broad, Tammy Pescatelli.
436
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:25,300
♪ ♪
437
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:35,500
(crowd cheering)
438
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:38,966
TAMMY PESCATELLI: All these
439
00:13:38,967 --> 00:13:39,633
women.
440
00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:41,099
Dirty Sexy Funny.
441
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,032
It's like the Blue Collar tour
442
00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:44,033
for whores.
443
00:13:44,034 --> 00:13:45,499
(chuckles): It's...
444
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,866
Too tired to be a whore.
445
00:13:48,867 --> 00:13:51,932
I am. I'm married now.
446
00:13:51,933 --> 00:13:53,799
Only time I get fucked is on tax
447
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,366
day, so it's...
448
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,832
Ugh.
449
00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:58,866
Women are tired.
450
00:13:58,867 --> 00:13:59,966
Don't act like you're not.
451
00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:00,999
You know you are.
452
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,366
Even when you try to pretend,
453
00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:03,432
you're all like...
454
00:14:03,433 --> 00:14:04,899
That's why Fifty Shades of Grey
455
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:06,666
was popular.
456
00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:08,366
'Cause women are tired.
457
00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:09,632
'Cause I didn't read that book,
458
00:14:09,633 --> 00:14:10,799
but I know this: I know that the
459
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:11,866
main character ties the woman
460
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:12,899
up.
461
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:13,932
And while you're tied up, you
462
00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:14,999
don't have to do the laundry,
463
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,866
the dishes, you don't have to go
464
00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:19,932
anywhere.
465
00:14:19,933 --> 00:14:20,933
You're like, "It's behind the
466
00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:24,632
milk!
467
00:14:24,633 --> 00:14:27,699
Move the milk!
468
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,566
I just fucking bought it on
469
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:32,166
Tuesday!"
470
00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:33,167
That's beautiful acting,
471
00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:34,167
isn't it?
472
00:14:34,168 --> 00:14:35,566
Why doesn't anybody ever cast me
473
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:39,199
in shit, motherfuckers?
474
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,066
Every day, some... I'm tired.
475
00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:42,732
I don't need Ecstasy, I need a
476
00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:44,132
drug called Complacency.
477
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,132
Just, I don't know.
478
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:47,432
It's just, it's crazy, and I
479
00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:48,433
know crazy, okay?
480
00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:49,433
'Cause crazy's easy to tell.
481
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:50,433
Especially on women.
482
00:14:50,433 --> 00:14:51,433
You can tell... I'm an
483
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:52,433
observationist.
484
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:53,433
That's what I do, I watch
485
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:54,433
people.
486
00:14:54,433 --> 00:14:55,433
And then I talk about 'em at
487
00:14:55,434 --> 00:14:56,532
night.
488
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:57,500
That's what I do.
489
00:14:57,501 --> 00:14:59,232
20 years, all around the world,
490
00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:00,233
and women are the same
491
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,233
everywhere.
492
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,499
I grew up with all boys, I'm in
493
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:03,866
a male-dominated industry, and
494
00:15:03,867 --> 00:15:05,366
you can tell if a woman is crazy
495
00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:07,266
in direct proportion to her
496
00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:09,199
eyebrows.
497
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,766
The thinner the eyebrow, the
498
00:15:10,767 --> 00:15:13,066
crazier the broad.
499
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:14,699
My mother-in-law shaves them off
500
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:16,199
and draws them back in, and
501
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,366
she's Planet Bananas.
502
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,199
Okay?
503
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,266
Some of you are sitting there
504
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:22,366
trying to figure out how thick
505
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:25,066
or thin your eyebrows are.
506
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:26,266
And your men are giving me
507
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,233
hostage signals.
508
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:34,266
'Cause they're afraid of you.
509
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,466
They're afraid.
510
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:36,532
That's why we have to have safe
511
00:15:36,533 --> 00:15:38,399
words.
512
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:39,899
My husband said to me, "You
513
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:41,432
know, I think we should... we
514
00:15:41,433 --> 00:15:43,099
should get a safe word."
515
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:44,432
(scoffs)
516
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:45,433
How about "Get the fuck off of
517
00:15:45,433 --> 00:15:46,433
me"?
518
00:15:46,434 --> 00:15:48,266
How about that?
519
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:49,866
All one word, with a hashtag in
520
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:52,566
front of it, how about that?
521
00:15:52,567 --> 00:15:55,966
Is that good?
522
00:15:55,967 --> 00:15:57,566
I married the hot kid from the
523
00:15:57,567 --> 00:15:58,966
slow class.
524
00:15:58,967 --> 00:15:59,967
I didn't know.
525
00:15:59,968 --> 00:16:01,066
You don't know that shit till
526
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:02,232
you go to a class reunion, then
527
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:03,233
you're like, "You were potting
528
00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:04,532
plants the whole motherfucking
529
00:16:04,533 --> 00:16:06,099
time you were in school, weren't
530
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,466
you?"
531
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:09,999
Now, that's not to say that he's
532
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,232
stupid, he's not.
533
00:16:11,233 --> 00:16:12,332
He has a lot of useless
534
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:13,466
information, which is what
535
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:14,666
marriage is.
536
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:15,667
That's what it is.
537
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:16,667
Look at you punching him,
538
00:16:16,668 --> 00:16:18,599
'cause you know.
539
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,799
You want to know how I knew
540
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:20,800
that you guys were together
541
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:21,800
before I knew that that was your
542
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:22,800
man?
543
00:16:22,801 --> 00:16:25,832
'Cause you dress him stupid.
544
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:28,599
Yep, I'm telling you how I knew.
545
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,832
When you were single, you didn't
546
00:16:29,833 --> 00:16:31,366
have ugly Hawaiian shirts like
547
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:33,199
that, did you?
548
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,732
We dress you up stupid so no
549
00:16:34,733 --> 00:16:35,866
other woman will look at you.
550
00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:38,199
Be like, "He's cute, but I can't
551
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,466
fix all of this shit.
552
00:16:39,467 --> 00:16:42,766
What is this?"
553
00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:44,332
Yeah, you couldn't have marked
554
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:45,566
your territory better if you
555
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:46,666
peed on him.
556
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:48,299
Okay?
557
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:49,999
Now, I'm telling you, I have a
558
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,199
lot of respect for my husband.
559
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,032
Um, I made him respect me.
560
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:54,732
That's the truth.
561
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:55,733
I did, I taught him.
562
00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:56,799
You have to... carry yourself
563
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:57,800
with class and dignity, and you
564
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:58,800
will be treated with class and
565
00:16:58,800 --> 00:16:59,800
dignity.
566
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,932
I taught him how to respect me.
567
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:02,933
We were dating for about six
568
00:17:02,933 --> 00:17:03,933
weeks, he was...
569
00:17:03,934 --> 00:17:05,900
(woman laughs)
570
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:10,932
What are you, some crazy psycho
571
00:17:10,933 --> 00:17:12,632
stalker, laughing at shit that
572
00:17:12,633 --> 00:17:14,866
you don't...
573
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,299
Let me see your eyebrows, let me
574
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,399
see your eyebrows.
575
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:18,832
See, I know, that's some crazy
576
00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:20,800
shit.
577
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,499
Want to know another crazy woman
578
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,699
thing?
579
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,066
You see a white woman over 40
580
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,499
with a flower in her hair, and
581
00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:30,166
you're not in Hawaii,
582
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,066
crazy shit's about to go down.
583
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,899
Um, so...
584
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,532
Prepare yourself for a vortex of
585
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:37,932
chaos that you will never
586
00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:41,666
fulfill.
587
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:43,866
(whispers): I don't know.
588
00:17:43,867 --> 00:17:46,499
Six weeks we were dating.
589
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,132
He was an hour and a half late.
590
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,899
I'm not big... I don't care as
591
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:50,900
much, except that he didn't
592
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:51,900
call.
593
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:52,900
Right?
594
00:17:52,901 --> 00:17:55,866
No text, no e-mail, nothing.
595
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,266
Finally calls, he said, "I was
596
00:17:57,267 --> 00:17:59,166
stuck in traffic, and, uh, my
597
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:00,766
cell phone died."
598
00:18:00,767 --> 00:18:02,766
I said, "Well, come over, but
599
00:18:02,767 --> 00:18:04,866
could you stop by the pharmacy
600
00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:06,366
and buy some condoms?"
601
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:07,432
And we hadn't even slept
602
00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:08,666
together at that point, 'cause
603
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:09,667
I'm not a whore.
604
00:18:09,668 --> 00:18:11,632
And, um...
605
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:12,633
I wish I would have been.
606
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,633
If I'd known I was gonna get
607
00:18:13,633 --> 00:18:14,633
married and locked down, I'd
608
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:16,432
have been fucking everybody.
609
00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,732
Um... that's what you get for
610
00:18:18,733 --> 00:18:20,166
being a good Italian girl.
611
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,167
Nothing.
612
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,766
A lifetime of one dick for the
613
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,466
rest of your life.
614
00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:27,032
(sighs)
615
00:18:27,033 --> 00:18:28,499
That's why God won't give me a
616
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:29,932
daughter.
617
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:30,966
'Cause you have to lie to your
618
00:18:30,967 --> 00:18:31,967
daughter.
619
00:18:31,968 --> 00:18:33,499
You're like, "Don't worry about
620
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,099
what's on the outside, just be
621
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,566
pretty on the inside."
622
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:38,567
You know what "pretty on the
623
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:39,567
inside" will get you?
624
00:18:39,567 --> 00:18:40,567
Fucked in the dark.
625
00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:41,567
That is all that'll happen to
626
00:18:41,568 --> 00:18:42,666
you.
627
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,332
"So, could you stop and buy some
628
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:45,333
condoms?"
629
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:48,599
So he was like, "What?"
630
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,932
I hung up the phone, I put on
631
00:18:49,933 --> 00:18:53,499
sexy lingerie, I lit candles.
632
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,500
Music.
633
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,266
Put the chain unlocked.
634
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:57,966
He knocked on the door.
635
00:18:57,967 --> 00:18:59,032
Opened up, I said, "Let me see
636
00:18:59,033 --> 00:19:00,766
the condoms."
637
00:19:00,767 --> 00:19:02,132
So I said, "Thanks, we need that
638
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:03,133
shit."
639
00:19:03,134 --> 00:19:06,999
And I shut the door.
640
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,199
I was alone, but I figured he'd
641
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:12,466
get the therapy he needed.
642
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:13,467
He would stay.
643
00:19:13,468 --> 00:19:14,632
And he stayed, and I love him.
644
00:19:14,633 --> 00:19:15,633
And I'm not telling you that
645
00:19:15,634 --> 00:19:17,299
marriage is always easy, it's
646
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:18,300
not.
647
00:19:18,301 --> 00:19:19,332
It's a lot of useless
648
00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:21,966
information, that's what it is.
649
00:19:21,967 --> 00:19:23,699
Tells me all kinds of stuff at
650
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:26,199
the most inopportune times.
651
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,699
Woke up the other night...
652
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:28,700
Perfect example... I'm choking.
653
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,132
I'm like... (coughs)
654
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,133
He woke up and looked at me, he
655
00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:32,133
goes, "What's wrong?"
656
00:19:32,133 --> 00:19:33,133
(grunts)
657
00:19:33,134 --> 00:19:34,999
"I'm choking."
658
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,332
He said, "Maybe you ate a
659
00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:38,300
spider."
660
00:19:45,733 --> 00:19:49,499
"The hell is wrong with you?"
661
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:50,699
Said, "I was watching the
662
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,732
Discovery Channel, and the
663
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,199
average person eats about eight
664
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,099
spiders a year in their sleep."
665
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,599
"You're an asshole.
666
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:00,600
All right? Really."
667
00:20:00,601 --> 00:20:01,766
'Cause now I can't sleep,
668
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:02,600
'cause I don't know if
669
00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:03,999
I'm on spider one or spider
670
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,332
eight.
671
00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:06,732
I got to sleep with a nicotine
672
00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:08,132
patch over my mouth.
673
00:20:08,133 --> 00:20:09,832
I'm punching him in the dick,
674
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,032
'cause if I got to be awake,
675
00:20:11,033 --> 00:20:13,000
he's got to be awake.
676
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,332
And I'm happy.
677
00:20:18,333 --> 00:20:20,699
'Cause goals change.
678
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:22,132
Alls I ever wanted to be was
679
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,432
happy, now I just want to die
680
00:20:23,433 --> 00:20:25,932
before my tits hit the floor.
681
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:27,532
Now I got my cousin, I got to
682
00:20:27,533 --> 00:20:28,766
carry her, 'cause she's getting
683
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:30,632
a divorce, and...
684
00:20:30,633 --> 00:20:32,366
she's running around.
685
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:33,466
For Halloween, she was
686
00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:34,467
Miley Cyrus.
687
00:20:34,468 --> 00:20:36,032
40 years old.
688
00:20:36,033 --> 00:20:37,566
She dressed up as Miley.
689
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:39,399
Not cute sweet Hannah Montana.
690
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,332
You know, VMA in the teddy bear.
691
00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:44,666
God bless that girl, she's so
692
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:46,399
talented, but she's really just
693
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,599
a dumb ill-advised hillbilly.
694
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,632
That's really all it is.
695
00:20:50,633 --> 00:20:52,266
So, no one explained shit to
696
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,432
her, 'cause I'm quite sure her
697
00:20:53,433 --> 00:20:54,866
stylist said to her, "You need
698
00:20:54,867 --> 00:20:55,932
to do something really shocking.
699
00:20:55,933 --> 00:20:57,532
You should come out in a teddy."
700
00:20:57,533 --> 00:20:58,766
And then that bitch came out in
701
00:20:58,767 --> 00:21:01,232
a stuffed animal.
702
00:21:01,233 --> 00:21:03,666
'Cause she's just stupid.
703
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:05,299
And I say "hillbilly" in the
704
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:07,266
most respectful way.
705
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:08,632
'Cause I'm afraid of
706
00:21:08,633 --> 00:21:10,832
hillbillies.
707
00:21:10,833 --> 00:21:12,632
I'm not afraid to die.
708
00:21:12,633 --> 00:21:13,932
A gang member will kill you,
709
00:21:13,933 --> 00:21:16,166
but a hillbilly will keep you.
710
00:21:16,167 --> 00:21:18,133
(chuckles)
711
00:21:20,633 --> 00:21:23,032
(crowd cheering)
712
00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:24,766
Like in a box underneath his
713
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:25,966
bed, and I am not playing the
714
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:26,999
fucking gimp game for the rest
715
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,000
of my damn life.
716
00:21:28,001 --> 00:21:29,399
You better choke me the fuck
717
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,299
out, 'cause I will make you
718
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:33,099
miserable.
719
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:34,566
I did a charity show for the
720
00:21:34,567 --> 00:21:35,866
Playboy Foundation.
721
00:21:35,867 --> 00:21:36,999
I don't even know what their
722
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,132
charity was.
723
00:21:39,133 --> 00:21:40,732
14-year-old boys who go blind
724
00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:42,066
from reading a magazine, I don't
725
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:45,166
know.
726
00:21:45,167 --> 00:21:46,566
They had a party at the old
727
00:21:46,567 --> 00:21:48,699
dude's house afterwards, and...
728
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:49,700
I didn't want to go.
729
00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:50,700
I wasn't even married, but my
730
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:51,700
brothers made me go for
731
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:52,700
research.
732
00:21:52,701 --> 00:21:54,366
(laughs): 'Cause...
733
00:21:54,367 --> 00:21:58,266
I was always the best wingman.
734
00:21:58,267 --> 00:21:59,866
Those girls are beautiful.
735
00:21:59,867 --> 00:22:00,867
But they're, like, size
736
00:22:00,867 --> 00:22:01,867
double zero.
737
00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:03,099
They're-they're mean, 'cause
738
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:04,299
they're hungry.
739
00:22:04,300 --> 00:22:06,666
And...
740
00:22:06,667 --> 00:22:08,432
One wanted to fight me for
741
00:22:08,433 --> 00:22:09,433
something I had said ostage.
742
00:22:09,433 --> 00:22:10,433
I don't even know, probably
743
00:22:10,433 --> 00:22:11,433
something about whores.
744
00:22:11,433 --> 00:22:12,433
I'm not sure.
745
00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:15,132
And, uh...
746
00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:16,266
I'm not gonna fight you.
747
00:22:16,267 --> 00:22:17,899
There's no class in that.
748
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:18,932
Plus, I'm a girl from the
749
00:22:18,933 --> 00:22:19,933
neighborhood and you're a double
750
00:22:19,933 --> 00:22:20,933
zero.
751
00:22:20,934 --> 00:22:22,166
If I swing at you and miss,
752
00:22:22,167 --> 00:22:23,532
you'll die of pneumonia.
753
00:22:23,533 --> 00:22:26,232
Okay?
754
00:22:26,233 --> 00:22:29,699
Stupid.
755
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:31,999
Then I saw...
756
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,532
what, the icon, Hugh Hefner, you
757
00:22:33,533 --> 00:22:34,533
know what I mean?
758
00:22:34,534 --> 00:22:36,266
Beautiful man, nice man.
759
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:37,832
Gets these young broads to go
760
00:22:37,833 --> 00:22:39,799
with him.
761
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,399
Have sex with him.
762
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:43,666
God bless him, but having sex
763
00:22:43,667 --> 00:22:45,632
with Hugh Hefner would be like
764
00:22:45,633 --> 00:22:47,566
banging a bucket of chicken.
765
00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:49,432
It's all brittle and the bones
766
00:22:49,433 --> 00:22:51,099
break and the skin is falling
767
00:22:51,100 --> 00:22:52,532
off.
768
00:22:52,533 --> 00:22:54,332
And you can't get the grease off
769
00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:56,766
your fingers.
770
00:22:56,767 --> 00:22:59,232
(laughs)
771
00:22:59,233 --> 00:23:00,466
You want to be a gold digger,
772
00:23:00,467 --> 00:23:02,299
there's your life.
773
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:04,199
You get education, you can fuck
774
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,799
who you want.
775
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,266
That should be the slogan for
776
00:23:07,267 --> 00:23:08,632
the literacy campaign, but no
777
00:23:08,633 --> 00:23:10,066
one calls me.
778
00:23:10,067 --> 00:23:11,999
(crowd whooping)
779
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,899
So... (laughs)
780
00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:15,999
I was there at that party, at
781
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,000
the Playboy Mansion.
782
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:18,000
I'm drunk, they had a trampoline
783
00:23:18,001 --> 00:23:19,599
contest, and the story doesn't
784
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,999
end well.
785
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,199
Those girls drop-kicked me off
786
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,899
the trampoline and I went flying
787
00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:26,999
on my butt down a hill, into a
788
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,000
pond.
789
00:23:28,001 --> 00:23:29,366
A peacock went to attack me,
790
00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:31,299
and... I thought I was
791
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:32,300
paralyzed.
792
00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:33,300
But really I was just
793
00:23:33,301 --> 00:23:35,267
drunk, stuck in the mud.
794
00:23:39,033 --> 00:23:40,099
And you can talk about class and
795
00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:41,899
self-respect and dignity all you
796
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:43,332
want.
797
00:23:43,333 --> 00:23:44,699
But I couldn't walk for three
798
00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:46,832
days after going to that party.
799
00:23:46,833 --> 00:23:47,966
And when you can't walk for
800
00:23:47,967 --> 00:23:49,066
three days after going to a
801
00:23:49,067 --> 00:23:51,032
party at the Playboy Mansion...
802
00:23:51,033 --> 00:23:52,332
nobody believes it has anything
803
00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:53,333
to do with an unfortunate
804
00:23:53,334 --> 00:23:56,199
trampoline accident.
805
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,133
Thank you so much.
806
00:23:57,134 --> 00:23:58,532
Thank you, Jenny.
807
00:23:58,533 --> 00:24:00,500
(crowd cheering)
808
00:24:02,533 --> 00:24:03,732
JENNY: So good!
809
00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:06,532
I love you.
810
00:24:06,533 --> 00:24:07,932
I love you so much.
811
00:24:07,933 --> 00:24:09,666
How great are they so far?
812
00:24:09,667 --> 00:24:10,799
(crowd cheering)
813
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,932
It only gets better.
814
00:24:12,933 --> 00:24:15,632
I'm so happy she's married.
815
00:24:15,633 --> 00:24:16,932
Kind of envious of all you
816
00:24:16,933 --> 00:24:18,132
people that are married.
817
00:24:18,133 --> 00:24:19,466
(whispers): Not really.
818
00:24:19,467 --> 00:24:20,899
But, you know, I did have a
819
00:24:20,900 --> 00:24:22,166
tough year, um, when I
820
00:24:22,167 --> 00:24:23,332
experienced a little bit of
821
00:24:23,333 --> 00:24:24,333
online dating.
822
00:24:24,333 --> 00:24:25,333
Have you guys tried it?
823
00:24:25,333 --> 00:24:26,333
No.
824
00:24:26,334 --> 00:24:27,566
JENNY: I did one year of it,
825
00:24:27,567 --> 00:24:29,032
and it was fucking awful.
826
00:24:29,033 --> 00:24:31,000
Take a look.
827
00:24:34,367 --> 00:24:35,367
Well, here's a good one.
828
00:24:35,368 --> 00:24:37,599
"Kevin, 42.
829
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,332
Nice smile, good listener.
830
00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:41,699
Looking for a girl to share life
831
00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:42,899
experiences with."
832
00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:43,900
Oh.
833
00:24:43,901 --> 00:24:46,133
And he loves art.
834
00:24:50,033 --> 00:24:51,899
KEVIN: Oh, people say I have
835
00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:53,867
a nice smile.
836
00:24:56,533 --> 00:24:58,099
I do art.
837
00:24:58,100 --> 00:24:59,466
I'm an artist.
838
00:24:59,467 --> 00:25:01,432
That's what I do.
839
00:25:01,433 --> 00:25:02,666
JENNY: Ooh.
840
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:03,866
"European.
841
00:25:03,867 --> 00:25:06,299
Loves mother and country."
842
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:08,066
He loves his mom.
843
00:25:08,067 --> 00:25:09,166
Yes!
844
00:25:09,167 --> 00:25:12,632
Oh! Oh!
845
00:25:12,633 --> 00:25:14,132
I sing Trosback National Anthem
846
00:25:14,133 --> 00:25:15,133
now.
847
00:25:15,134 --> 00:25:16,499
JENNY: Cool.
848
00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:18,632
♪ Polly kielbasa
849
00:25:18,633 --> 00:25:20,866
Polish kielbasa
850
00:25:20,867 --> 00:25:22,999
Polish Natasha
851
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,099
Polish Natasha. ♪
852
00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:27,966
Dusk! Dusk! Dusk! Dusk! Dusk!
853
00:25:27,967 --> 00:25:29,132
JENNY: Hmm.
854
00:25:29,133 --> 00:25:32,100
"Natural health expo junky.
855
00:25:34,233 --> 00:25:35,766
Believes Mother Earth heals."
856
00:25:35,767 --> 00:25:37,800
Oh.
857
00:25:40,767 --> 00:25:44,266
(coughing)
858
00:25:44,267 --> 00:25:46,632
Respect.
859
00:25:46,633 --> 00:25:48,899
JEN: "Vincent, 44.
860
00:25:48,900 --> 00:25:50,799
Looking to fall in love with
861
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,632
the one.
862
00:25:52,633 --> 00:25:55,099
Loves animals."
863
00:25:55,100 --> 00:25:56,299
VINCENT: Have you ever
864
00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:59,332
sacrificed a sheep?
865
00:25:59,333 --> 00:26:03,099
What about a cow?
866
00:26:03,100 --> 00:26:05,532
A chicken?
867
00:26:05,533 --> 00:26:06,367
KEVIN: I was going to ask
868
00:26:06,367 --> 00:26:07,200
if I could do a painting of you
869
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,200
right now.
870
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,200
JENNY: Okay.
871
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,200
KEVIN: Yeah? Okay.
872
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,033
Maybe you can just, uh, do a
873
00:26:11,034 --> 00:26:13,032
pose for me?
874
00:26:13,033 --> 00:26:14,599
Maybe you could just lay down a
875
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,832
little bit in the booth?
876
00:26:16,833 --> 00:26:17,833
Yeah.
877
00:26:17,834 --> 00:26:20,299
Okay, good.
878
00:26:20,300 --> 00:26:22,267
Okay.
879
00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:27,667
What?
880
00:26:30,033 --> 00:26:31,199
(Jamaican accent): You're a
881
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:32,532
pretty white gal.
882
00:26:32,533 --> 00:26:33,533
What's your sign?
883
00:26:33,533 --> 00:26:34,367
JENNY: You know you're white,
884
00:26:34,367 --> 00:26:35,367
right?
885
00:26:35,367 --> 00:26:36,367
Me not white, boy!
886
00:26:36,367 --> 00:26:37,367
JENNY: Can I get the check?
887
00:26:37,368 --> 00:26:39,699
KEVIN: I'm almost done.
888
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:42,700
Okay.
889
00:26:46,300 --> 00:26:47,366
You sing with me!
890
00:26:47,367 --> 00:26:48,367
JENNY: Okay.
891
00:26:48,368 --> 00:26:50,699
No, put ass on table first.
892
00:26:50,700 --> 00:26:51,732
I love you on The View.
893
00:26:51,733 --> 00:26:52,733
I think you're fucking awesome.
894
00:26:52,733 --> 00:26:53,733
JENNY: Thanks.
895
00:26:53,734 --> 00:26:54,832
I think Whoopi is a little
896
00:26:54,833 --> 00:26:56,466
tough on you.
897
00:26:56,467 --> 00:26:57,699
KEVIN: All right, I'm gonna
898
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:59,132
draw me now.
899
00:26:59,133 --> 00:27:00,799
You got big beautiful
900
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,132
bosoms!
901
00:27:02,133 --> 00:27:04,266
♪ Polish kielbasa. ♪
902
00:27:04,267 --> 00:27:05,566
Oh, you want to see my ass?
903
00:27:05,567 --> 00:27:07,666
Yeah.
904
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,633
(crowd cheering)
905
00:27:13,167 --> 00:27:15,166
(moans)
906
00:27:15,167 --> 00:27:17,766
VINCENT: Oh, my God.
907
00:27:17,767 --> 00:27:18,767
(crowd cheering)
908
00:27:18,767 --> 00:27:19,767
You're on your period, aren't
909
00:27:19,768 --> 00:27:20,899
you?
910
00:27:20,900 --> 00:27:24,132
(Vincent moans)
911
00:27:24,133 --> 00:27:25,166
KEVIN: It's more like how I
912
00:27:25,167 --> 00:27:27,133
see myself.
913
00:27:29,367 --> 00:27:32,766
Okay.
914
00:27:32,767 --> 00:27:36,266
(crowd cheering)
915
00:27:36,267 --> 00:27:37,766
JENNY: I invited every one of
916
00:27:37,767 --> 00:27:40,299
those guys in the video here
917
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:43,066
tonight, and he's right there.
918
00:27:43,067 --> 00:27:45,966
(crowd cheering)
919
00:27:45,967 --> 00:27:47,666
Thank you, baby.
920
00:27:47,667 --> 00:27:49,499
All right, I kind of have a girl
921
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:50,999
crush on our next comedian.
922
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,166
She's been headlining comedy
923
00:27:52,167 --> 00:27:53,632
clubs across the country for
924
00:27:53,633 --> 00:27:54,999
over 15 years.
925
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,266
When I first saw her, I was
926
00:27:57,267 --> 00:27:58,267
bawling.
927
00:27:58,268 --> 00:27:59,966
She is raw, she's a cougar.
928
00:27:59,967 --> 00:28:01,266
She's also menopausal, so I'm
929
00:28:01,267 --> 00:28:02,332
really glad I'm not sharing a
930
00:28:02,333 --> 00:28:03,333
room with her.
931
00:28:03,334 --> 00:28:04,532
Say hi to Lynne Koplitz, you
932
00:28:04,533 --> 00:28:06,500
guys!
933
00:28:11,733 --> 00:28:13,700
(crowd cheering)
934
00:28:17,467 --> 00:28:18,632
LYNNE KOPLITZ: Hi.
935
00:28:18,633 --> 00:28:20,299
Let me look at you.
936
00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:21,632
How are we?
937
00:28:21,633 --> 00:28:23,199
You in a good mood?
938
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,132
That's nice.
939
00:28:25,133 --> 00:28:26,599
I feel a lot less aggressive
940
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:27,932
than normal.
941
00:28:27,933 --> 00:28:29,132
I think it's because this dress
942
00:28:29,133 --> 00:28:30,266
is acting as a compression
943
00:28:30,267 --> 00:28:31,332
garment.
944
00:28:31,333 --> 00:28:32,999
(laughter)
945
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,232
I...
946
00:28:34,233 --> 00:28:36,599
I haven't been out of a sports
947
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,832
bra in over a year.
948
00:28:38,833 --> 00:28:40,999
You know I love Jenny McCarthy.
949
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:42,266
I seriously haven't dressed up
950
00:28:42,267 --> 00:28:43,599
in so long.
951
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:44,832
Nothing says "I'm done with
952
00:28:44,833 --> 00:28:47,266
life" like a 40-something woman
953
00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:48,532
in a sports bra.
954
00:28:48,533 --> 00:28:49,533
Isn't that...?
955
00:28:49,533 --> 00:28:50,533
I've never done sports.
956
00:28:50,534 --> 00:28:52,166
It's not like I do sports.
957
00:28:52,167 --> 00:28:53,100
I've never done sports.
958
00:28:53,101 --> 00:28:56,466
Just, I like the look of one
959
00:28:56,467 --> 00:29:01,066
low, defiant breast just daring
960
00:29:01,067 --> 00:29:02,067
you to fuck with it.
961
00:29:02,067 --> 00:29:03,067
Just, I dare you.
962
00:29:03,068 --> 00:29:04,999
I was called a "MILF" the other
963
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:06,000
day.
964
00:29:06,001 --> 00:29:07,999
(crowd cheering)
965
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,799
Kind of a compliment.
966
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,799
Moms I like to...
967
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:12,800
(mumbles)
968
00:29:12,801 --> 00:29:13,932
You know what that is?
969
00:29:13,933 --> 00:29:14,733
Moms I like to f...
970
00:29:14,734 --> 00:29:16,132
It's a compliment if you're a
971
00:29:16,133 --> 00:29:18,232
mother.
972
00:29:18,233 --> 00:29:19,299
I'm not, so it was a tad
973
00:29:19,300 --> 00:29:20,332
insulting.
974
00:29:20,333 --> 00:29:22,366
I said to the kid, "I'm not a
975
00:29:22,367 --> 00:29:23,532
mother, but thank you."
976
00:29:23,533 --> 00:29:24,533
He was like, "You're still a
977
00:29:24,533 --> 00:29:25,533
MILF."
978
00:29:25,534 --> 00:29:28,066
Uh... no.
979
00:29:28,067 --> 00:29:29,067
He was like, "Then you're a-a
980
00:29:29,067 --> 00:29:30,067
ILF."
981
00:29:30,067 --> 00:29:31,067
I'm like, "What are you,
982
00:29:31,067 --> 00:29:32,067
special needs?
983
00:29:32,067 --> 00:29:33,067
What the fuck is wrong with
984
00:29:33,068 --> 00:29:34,132
you?"
985
00:29:34,133 --> 00:29:35,832
I love young guys.
986
00:29:35,833 --> 00:29:36,866
How old are you, sir?
987
00:29:36,867 --> 00:29:39,232
Um, you know who I'm talking to.
988
00:29:39,233 --> 00:29:40,332
43.
989
00:29:40,333 --> 00:29:41,632
Yeah, too old for me.
990
00:29:41,633 --> 00:29:42,633
'Cause, look, did you see how
991
00:29:42,633 --> 00:29:43,633
he...?
992
00:29:43,633 --> 00:29:44,633
Did anyone see it?
993
00:29:44,633 --> 00:29:45,633
He just did this.
994
00:29:45,634 --> 00:29:46,699
(scoffs)
995
00:29:46,700 --> 00:29:48,466
Just a total, like, "Ugh.
996
00:29:48,467 --> 00:29:50,932
This stripper's chatty."
997
00:29:50,933 --> 00:29:52,466
Uh...
998
00:29:52,467 --> 00:29:53,467
(laughs)
999
00:29:53,467 --> 00:29:54,467
I know.
1000
00:29:54,468 --> 00:29:55,499
You don't want me, either.
1001
00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:56,500
I get it.
1002
00:29:56,500 --> 00:29:57,500
We both have opinions.
1003
00:29:57,500 --> 00:29:58,500
What do we need with each other?
1004
00:29:58,500 --> 00:29:59,500
We both have ideas.
1005
00:29:59,500 --> 00:30:00,500
Fuck it.
1006
00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:01,500
You have ideas that you've
1007
00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:02,500
actually thought out and put
1008
00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:03,500
into fruition.
1009
00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:04,500
That's annoying.
1010
00:30:04,500 --> 00:30:05,500
Look at this kid.
1011
00:30:05,501 --> 00:30:06,632
No ideas, no opinions.
1012
00:30:06,633 --> 00:30:08,566
I could blow either one of these
1013
00:30:08,567 --> 00:30:09,632
kids into changing their
1014
00:30:09,633 --> 00:30:11,732
religion.
1015
00:30:11,733 --> 00:30:13,232
One good ball tickle, a pinky in
1016
00:30:13,233 --> 00:30:15,132
the bum hole, this kid's
1017
00:30:15,133 --> 00:30:17,100
following jihad.
1018
00:30:19,967 --> 00:30:20,967
He's gonna be tougher.
1019
00:30:20,967 --> 00:30:21,967
He doesn't care.
1020
00:30:21,968 --> 00:30:23,066
The older guy... he doesn't care
1021
00:30:23,067 --> 00:30:24,067
about that.
1022
00:30:24,067 --> 00:30:25,067
Give him a chocolate éclair, and
1023
00:30:25,068 --> 00:30:28,499
put Castle on, he's happy.
1024
00:30:28,500 --> 00:30:29,500
I really do like young guys, but
1025
00:30:29,500 --> 00:30:30,500
Jenny's wrong.
1026
00:30:30,501 --> 00:30:31,832
I'm not a cougar anymore, 'cause
1027
00:30:31,833 --> 00:30:33,632
I don't hunt.
1028
00:30:33,633 --> 00:30:35,299
Not now.
1029
00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:36,300
Now I'm more of like...
1030
00:30:36,300 --> 00:30:37,300
Uh... can I sit in this?
1031
00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:38,300
I don't even know if it's gonna
1032
00:30:38,300 --> 00:30:39,300
happen.
1033
00:30:39,300 --> 00:30:40,300
There's a good chance we're
1034
00:30:40,300 --> 00:30:41,300
gonna have to take me out on the
1035
00:30:41,301 --> 00:30:44,199
stool.
1036
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:45,200
Just be careful, people down in
1037
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:46,200
front.
1038
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:47,200
I might put your eye out if the
1039
00:30:47,201 --> 00:30:49,166
fucking belt pops out.
1040
00:30:49,167 --> 00:30:51,499
It's very apropos that we're in
1041
00:30:51,500 --> 00:30:53,199
Vegas, 'cause I'm starting to
1042
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:56,599
sweat like fucking old Elvis.
1043
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,199
Like the old fat Elvis right
1044
00:30:58,200 --> 00:30:59,932
before he died on the toilet.
1045
00:30:59,933 --> 00:31:01,399
That's where I am right at this
1046
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,532
moment.
1047
00:31:03,533 --> 00:31:04,566
Wait, wait, wait.
1048
00:31:04,567 --> 00:31:06,666
I'm not a cougar who hunts.
1049
00:31:06,667 --> 00:31:08,699
No, I'm like a zoo cougar now.
1050
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:09,700
I'm a zoogar.
1051
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:11,999
I'm a lazy cougar that just sits
1052
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,299
around his habitat... and enjoys
1053
00:31:15,300 --> 00:31:18,132
its fake rock.
1054
00:31:18,133 --> 00:31:19,532
Every now and then, one of those
1055
00:31:19,533 --> 00:31:21,199
26-year-olds accidentally falls
1056
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:22,200
over the side.
1057
00:31:22,201 --> 00:31:24,167
"Wait. Excuse me.
1058
00:31:27,500 --> 00:31:28,500
No, help yourself.
1059
00:31:28,500 --> 00:31:29,500
I ain't running.
1060
00:31:29,501 --> 00:31:30,999
Bad hip.
1061
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:32,000
I'll get the next one."
1062
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:33,000
(laughs)
1063
00:31:33,001 --> 00:31:34,899
Let's see.
1064
00:31:34,900 --> 00:31:37,332
You already got a lot of comedy.
1065
00:31:37,333 --> 00:31:38,399
You're gonna get more comedy in
1066
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:39,632
a minute.
1067
00:31:39,633 --> 00:31:43,466
I'm not about that anymore.
1068
00:31:43,467 --> 00:31:46,532
Surprise, Jen.
1069
00:31:46,533 --> 00:31:48,099
I just needed a platform to say
1070
00:31:48,100 --> 00:31:51,099
some things.
1071
00:31:51,100 --> 00:31:53,099
I'm more about information now.
1072
00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:54,100
Listen, young girls,
1073
00:31:54,100 --> 00:31:55,100
there's still hope.
1074
00:31:55,101 --> 00:31:56,232
Listen...
1075
00:31:56,233 --> 00:31:57,332
For you.
1076
00:31:57,333 --> 00:31:58,366
Here-Here's what I know.
1077
00:31:58,367 --> 00:31:59,399
I've spent a lot of time with
1078
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:00,400
men.
1079
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:01,267
I've studied these chimps like
1080
00:32:01,268 --> 00:32:02,566
Jane Goodall.
1081
00:32:02,567 --> 00:32:04,066
I'm a female comic and a bit of
1082
00:32:04,067 --> 00:32:05,266
a whore, so I know what I'm
1083
00:32:05,267 --> 00:32:06,332
talking about.
1084
00:32:06,333 --> 00:32:07,333
I'm not...
1085
00:32:07,333 --> 00:32:08,333
And... I shouldn't say "whore."
1086
00:32:08,333 --> 00:32:09,333
I'm...
1087
00:32:09,333 --> 00:32:10,333
When...
1088
00:32:10,333 --> 00:32:11,333
If you make it to 46 years old
1089
00:32:11,333 --> 00:32:12,333
without getting married and
1090
00:32:12,334 --> 00:32:13,499
having children, you'll
1091
00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:14,699
accidentally fuck a lot of
1092
00:32:14,700 --> 00:32:15,700
people.
1093
00:32:15,701 --> 00:32:19,166
It's just a fact.
1094
00:32:19,167 --> 00:32:20,167
There's nothing standing in the
1095
00:32:20,167 --> 00:32:21,167
way.
1096
00:32:21,168 --> 00:32:22,632
You'll just... you'll fuck them.
1097
00:32:22,633 --> 00:32:23,633
They'll be there, they'll know
1098
00:32:23,633 --> 00:32:24,633
that you fucked people.
1099
00:32:24,634 --> 00:32:26,132
They'll expect it, and you'll,
1100
00:32:26,133 --> 00:32:28,299
"Eh..."
1101
00:32:28,300 --> 00:32:29,300
Men are easy.
1102
00:32:29,300 --> 00:32:30,300
If I could teach you anything,
1103
00:32:30,300 --> 00:32:31,300
they're e...
1104
00:32:31,300 --> 00:32:32,300
Look at them with their balls
1105
00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:33,300
out.
1106
00:32:33,300 --> 00:32:34,133
This is not the posture of a
1107
00:32:34,133 --> 00:32:35,133
complicated person.
1108
00:32:35,133 --> 00:32:36,133
That's the posture of a
1109
00:32:36,134 --> 00:32:38,132
Labrador.
1110
00:32:38,133 --> 00:32:39,499
A big fucking dog that just
1111
00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:40,732
wants to sit in the sun and
1112
00:32:40,733 --> 00:32:41,932
think, "sun."
1113
00:32:41,933 --> 00:32:42,933
That's it.
1114
00:32:42,933 --> 00:32:43,933
(chuckles)
1115
00:32:43,934 --> 00:32:45,366
"My ears are heavy."
1116
00:32:45,367 --> 00:32:46,399
That's as complicated as it
1117
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:47,400
gets.
1118
00:32:47,401 --> 00:32:50,099
So, when we put makeup on, when
1119
00:32:50,100 --> 00:32:51,532
you worry about... you're doing
1120
00:32:51,533 --> 00:32:52,533
that for yourself, not for men.
1121
00:32:52,533 --> 00:32:53,533
They don't care.
1122
00:32:53,534 --> 00:32:54,566
This guy would fuck you with
1123
00:32:54,567 --> 00:32:55,567
chips in your hair.
1124
00:32:55,568 --> 00:32:56,666
He doesn't care.
1125
00:32:56,667 --> 00:32:58,732
"That one comes with snacks.
1126
00:32:58,733 --> 00:33:02,332
I'm going for her."
1127
00:33:02,333 --> 00:33:03,632
Let's end on one more piece of
1128
00:33:03,633 --> 00:33:04,699
information.
1129
00:33:04,700 --> 00:33:05,700
Something that's been bothering
1130
00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:06,700
the fuck out of me.
1131
00:33:06,700 --> 00:33:07,700
This is true.
1132
00:33:07,701 --> 00:33:10,832
Sex etiquette.
1133
00:33:10,833 --> 00:33:14,666
Guys, listen to Auntie Lynne.
1134
00:33:14,667 --> 00:33:16,032
'Cause I'm an auntie.
1135
00:33:16,033 --> 00:33:17,366
An auntie cares about you.
1136
00:33:17,367 --> 00:33:18,566
A mother wants to sugarcoat
1137
00:33:18,567 --> 00:33:19,999
shit, you know?
1138
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:21,432
Your mother has to raise you.
1139
00:33:21,433 --> 00:33:23,166
She has to try and make life
1140
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:24,832
soft, so she tells you, like,
1141
00:33:24,833 --> 00:33:27,232
"Yes, childbirth is painful, but
1142
00:33:27,233 --> 00:33:28,233
it's worth it.
1143
00:33:28,233 --> 00:33:29,233
You forget."
1144
00:33:29,234 --> 00:33:30,766
And your auntie will say, "You
1145
00:33:30,767 --> 00:33:31,799
poop a little, just so you
1146
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:32,800
know.
1147
00:33:32,801 --> 00:33:33,866
Just a little bit, it happens.
1148
00:33:33,867 --> 00:33:34,966
In front of a stranger.
1149
00:33:34,967 --> 00:33:37,966
You don't know the doctor.
1150
00:33:37,967 --> 00:33:38,967
Yes, you're with it, but is
1151
00:33:38,967 --> 00:33:39,967
your brother?
1152
00:33:39,968 --> 00:33:42,132
Think about it."
1153
00:33:42,133 --> 00:33:43,999
Now, listen to me.
1154
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,999
Men, this noise...
1155
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,099
(gagging)
1156
00:33:49,100 --> 00:33:51,032
Never a good noise.
1157
00:33:51,033 --> 00:33:53,199
In the history of noises... I've
1158
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:54,566
been all over the fucking
1159
00:33:54,567 --> 00:33:55,766
globe... it never...
1160
00:33:55,767 --> 00:33:57,266
All over the world.
1161
00:33:57,267 --> 00:33:59,166
It's a universal bad gagging
1162
00:33:59,167 --> 00:34:00,366
noise.
1163
00:34:00,367 --> 00:34:01,367
It means I'm gonna vomit.
1164
00:34:01,368 --> 00:34:02,699
Anytime you hear...
1165
00:34:02,700 --> 00:34:04,667
(gagging)
1166
00:34:06,967 --> 00:34:09,566
Never does it mean we should
1167
00:34:09,567 --> 00:34:12,999
press the head down... it's
1168
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,932
making this noise... and hold it.
1169
00:34:15,933 --> 00:34:17,266
If your cat was making that
1170
00:34:17,267 --> 00:34:19,299
noise, if...
1171
00:34:19,300 --> 00:34:22,066
(gagging, coughing)
1172
00:34:22,067 --> 00:34:23,067
Who...
1173
00:34:23,068 --> 00:34:24,499
Would anyone in here be, like,
1174
00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:25,699
"Yeah, oh, shove the cat's face
1175
00:34:25,700 --> 00:34:26,799
in the carpet.
1176
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,166
Hold that face, and...
1177
00:34:28,167 --> 00:34:29,167
Oh, it's eating something?
1178
00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:30,167
Even better.
1179
00:34:30,167 --> 00:34:31,133
Tell it to eat it.
1180
00:34:31,134 --> 00:34:32,332
Tell it, eat the whole treat!
1181
00:34:32,333 --> 00:34:33,632
Eat the whole treat!
1182
00:34:33,633 --> 00:34:35,366
Take it.
1183
00:34:35,367 --> 00:34:38,232
You love it."
1184
00:34:38,233 --> 00:34:40,366
It's the rudest fucking thing.
1185
00:34:40,367 --> 00:34:41,632
The first time it happened to
1186
00:34:41,633 --> 00:34:42,899
me, I was in college, and I
1187
00:34:42,900 --> 00:34:43,900
remember, I made the noise
1188
00:34:43,900 --> 00:34:44,900
'cause women like to
1189
00:34:44,900 --> 00:34:45,900
communicate.
1190
00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:46,900
I was...
1191
00:34:46,900 --> 00:34:47,900
(gagging)
1192
00:34:47,901 --> 00:34:48,932
And I did.
1193
00:34:48,933 --> 00:34:49,933
A little polite.
1194
00:34:49,934 --> 00:34:50,966
Like, um, "There's a little
1195
00:34:50,967 --> 00:34:52,299
vomit happening here."
1196
00:34:52,300 --> 00:34:54,266
And what happens?
1197
00:34:54,267 --> 00:34:55,766
You feel the hand get tighter.
1198
00:34:55,767 --> 00:34:57,499
And I thought, "Oh, perhaps he
1199
00:34:57,500 --> 00:34:58,632
doesn't love me the way I think
1200
00:34:58,633 --> 00:35:00,932
did."
1201
00:35:00,933 --> 00:35:02,799
So now I start making a noise
1202
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:03,800
like something from a fucking
1203
00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:04,800
jungle.
1204
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:05,800
Like...
1205
00:35:05,801 --> 00:35:07,966
(loud gagging)
1206
00:35:07,967 --> 00:35:09,399
And it just gets tighter and
1207
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:10,400
strong...
1208
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,400
So fucking rude.
1209
00:35:11,401 --> 00:35:13,332
It's so rude and annoying to me.
1210
00:35:13,333 --> 00:35:14,432
Guys, I don't care what you
1211
00:35:14,433 --> 00:35:15,433
think.
1212
00:35:15,434 --> 00:35:16,599
You watch porn, it's fucked your
1213
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:17,732
brains, and you think that it
1214
00:35:17,733 --> 00:35:20,332
means that you have a huge cock.
1215
00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:21,866
Let's say, in best case
1216
00:35:21,867 --> 00:35:23,566
scenario, that is what it means.
1217
00:35:23,567 --> 00:35:26,032
Why would you hold something
1218
00:35:26,033 --> 00:35:28,732
down that's being choked by your
1219
00:35:28,733 --> 00:35:30,700
enormous cock?
1220
00:35:33,133 --> 00:35:34,399
It's aggravating 'cause it's a
1221
00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:35,899
double standard.
1222
00:35:35,900 --> 00:35:37,566
If they were doing their
1223
00:35:37,567 --> 00:35:39,432
business on us, and they made
1224
00:35:39,433 --> 00:35:41,432
any kind of disparaging noise,
1225
00:35:41,433 --> 00:35:42,666
any kind of...
1226
00:35:42,667 --> 00:35:44,332
(quiet groan)
1227
00:35:44,333 --> 00:35:45,333
(laughs)
1228
00:35:45,333 --> 00:35:46,333
Well, that would be horrible if
1229
00:35:46,333 --> 00:35:47,333
they made that noise, but you
1230
00:35:47,333 --> 00:35:48,333
know what I mean.
1231
00:35:48,334 --> 00:35:49,732
Anything that suggested things
1232
00:35:49,733 --> 00:35:51,366
weren't quite as pleasant as
1233
00:35:51,367 --> 00:35:52,966
they could be, we would freak
1234
00:35:52,967 --> 00:35:54,066
out.
1235
00:35:54,067 --> 00:35:55,067
That's how women are.
1236
00:35:55,068 --> 00:35:56,199
We would stop everything.
1237
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:57,133
"Oh, my God, what happened?
1238
00:35:57,134 --> 00:35:58,566
Am I not fresh?
1239
00:35:58,567 --> 00:35:59,632
Come up here.
1240
00:35:59,633 --> 00:36:00,633
I'm so sorry.
1241
00:36:00,633 --> 00:36:01,633
I-I went to...
1242
00:36:01,633 --> 00:36:02,633
showered right after the gym.
1243
00:36:02,633 --> 00:36:03,633
I'll make you a sandwich.
1244
00:36:03,633 --> 00:36:04,633
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm
1245
00:36:04,634 --> 00:36:05,666
sorry."
1246
00:36:05,667 --> 00:36:07,666
No!
1247
00:36:07,667 --> 00:36:09,866
We all have to band together.
1248
00:36:09,867 --> 00:36:10,867
Here's what I say we do.
1249
00:36:10,868 --> 00:36:13,999
Anytime you hear the noise, any
1250
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:15,132
kind of noise, I want you to
1251
00:36:15,133 --> 00:36:17,299
stop everything and just fucking
1252
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:20,599
hol... just lock him in.
1253
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:21,966
If you want, if you don't feel
1254
00:36:21,967 --> 00:36:23,266
like a lady, you can scream
1255
00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:24,399
something like, "I'm sorry.
1256
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:25,966
You started this.
1257
00:36:25,967 --> 00:36:27,266
You have to finish."
1258
00:36:27,267 --> 00:36:28,532
And, fuck, just lock him in.
1259
00:36:28,533 --> 00:36:30,099
Hold him. He'll struggle.
1260
00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:31,266
Trust me, I've done it.
1261
00:36:31,267 --> 00:36:32,399
He'll struggle like a cat in a
1262
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:33,866
fucking bag.
1263
00:36:33,867 --> 00:36:35,599
Hold him in.
1264
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:38,899
"No, finish!"
1265
00:36:38,900 --> 00:36:39,900
When he comes up, just get out
1266
00:36:39,900 --> 00:36:40,900
of the way, 'cause he's gonna
1267
00:36:40,901 --> 00:36:42,399
come up spitting and twitching.
1268
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:43,400
"You crazy bitch, you covered up
1269
00:36:43,401 --> 00:36:44,532
my nose holes!
1270
00:36:44,533 --> 00:36:45,533
You chipped a tooth!
1271
00:36:45,534 --> 00:36:46,666
You're a crazy bitch!"
1272
00:36:46,667 --> 00:36:48,099
Be a lady.
1273
00:36:48,100 --> 00:36:49,666
Look him right in the face.
1274
00:36:49,667 --> 00:36:51,599
"You know you loved it."
1275
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:52,999
Good night. Thank you!
1276
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:54,766
Jenny!
1277
00:36:54,767 --> 00:36:55,767
Mwah!
1278
00:36:55,768 --> 00:36:58,066
JENNY: Love you!
1279
00:36:58,067 --> 00:36:59,699
Lynne!
1280
00:36:59,700 --> 00:37:02,332
My next video has three words:
1281
00:37:02,333 --> 00:37:05,933
walk of shame.
1282
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,066
(gasps)
1283
00:37:14,067 --> 00:37:16,032
(whispers): Fuck.
1284
00:37:16,033 --> 00:37:18,000
(sighs)
1285
00:37:33,667 --> 00:37:35,299
(dog growls)
1286
00:37:35,300 --> 00:37:36,732
Shh.
1287
00:37:36,733 --> 00:37:38,432
(whispers)
1288
00:37:38,433 --> 00:37:40,400
(barking)
1289
00:37:52,033 --> 00:37:53,366
DRIVER: Hello.
1290
00:37:53,367 --> 00:37:55,132
JENNY: Oh, God. Hi.
1291
00:37:55,133 --> 00:37:56,266
DRIVER: Where are we going
1292
00:37:56,267 --> 00:37:57,233
to?
1293
00:37:57,234 --> 00:38:00,166
JENNY: Two fours... (mumbles)
1294
00:38:00,167 --> 00:38:02,366
Regency?
1295
00:38:02,367 --> 00:38:04,432
DRIVER: What?
1296
00:38:04,433 --> 00:38:08,066
JENNY: Fort... Forty-s...
1297
00:38:08,067 --> 00:38:11,499
44... Second and Regency?
1298
00:38:11,500 --> 00:38:13,766
Just go. Just drive, just drive.
1299
00:38:13,767 --> 00:38:14,767
DRIVER: All right.
1300
00:38:14,768 --> 00:38:16,733
JENNY: Just, you know, sh...
1301
00:38:23,300 --> 00:38:25,032
DRIVER: You want to call
1302
00:38:25,033 --> 00:38:27,000
someone coming out of this?
1303
00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:30,199
(groans)
1304
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:31,932
Give me an exact address, ma'am.
1305
00:38:31,933 --> 00:38:32,933
JENNY: Can you stop for a
1306
00:38:32,933 --> 00:38:33,933
second?
1307
00:38:33,933 --> 00:38:34,933
DRIVER: Right here?
1308
00:38:34,934 --> 00:38:35,999
JENNY: Just right here.
1309
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,967
Just stop for a second.
1310
00:38:41,467 --> 00:38:43,433
(retching)
1311
00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:53,066
Go! Go, go!
1312
00:38:53,067 --> 00:38:54,999
Go, go, go!
1313
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,366
(groaning)
1314
00:38:58,367 --> 00:39:00,366
DRIVER: Oh, God.
1315
00:39:00,367 --> 00:39:01,699
JENNY: Okay, stop.
1316
00:39:01,700 --> 00:39:02,866
DRIVER: Where?
1317
00:39:02,867 --> 00:39:04,532
JENNY: I live... No, I don't
1318
00:39:04,533 --> 00:39:05,533
live there.
1319
00:39:05,534 --> 00:39:09,032
Keep going.
1320
00:39:09,033 --> 00:39:10,732
Okay, make a right.
1321
00:39:10,733 --> 00:39:12,132
DRIVER: A right?
1322
00:39:12,133 --> 00:39:14,932
JENNY: Uh-huh.
1323
00:39:14,933 --> 00:39:15,933
DRIVER: Ma'am, it's a dead
1324
00:39:15,933 --> 00:39:16,933
end.
1325
00:39:16,934 --> 00:39:17,966
Ma'am, so what are you talking
1326
00:39:17,967 --> 00:39:18,999
about?
1327
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,666
JENNY: Are we there yet?
1328
00:39:20,667 --> 00:39:22,666
DRIVER: Where?
1329
00:39:22,667 --> 00:39:24,966
So, we're taking a right? Left?
1330
00:39:24,967 --> 00:39:26,099
We're going where, ma'am?
1331
00:39:26,100 --> 00:39:28,967
JENNY: Just take me anywhere.
1332
00:39:36,733 --> 00:39:39,699
Fuck.
1333
00:39:39,700 --> 00:39:40,899
Oh, come on.
1334
00:39:40,900 --> 00:39:41,900
Who hasn't fucked a taxi driver
1335
00:39:41,901 --> 00:39:44,632
before?
1336
00:39:44,633 --> 00:39:45,799
My pussy tasted like curry for a
1337
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:48,232
month.
1338
00:39:48,233 --> 00:39:51,299
Smell it still?
1339
00:39:51,300 --> 00:39:52,766
Our next comic is based out of
1340
00:39:52,767 --> 00:39:54,032
Los Angeles.
1341
00:39:54,033 --> 00:39:55,099
She's here performing for the
1342
00:39:55,100 --> 00:39:57,699
first time standing up.
1343
00:39:57,700 --> 00:40:00,333
Give it up for Paula Bel.
1344
00:40:05,433 --> 00:40:07,467
(crowd cheering)
1345
00:40:09,900 --> 00:40:10,900
PAULA BEL: Oh, my God, look
1346
00:40:10,900 --> 00:40:11,900
at this.
1347
00:40:11,901 --> 00:40:14,066
Only in Vegas, men with women.
1348
00:40:14,067 --> 00:40:16,299
Who started this new trend?
1349
00:40:16,300 --> 00:40:17,799
I heard some old women, "Oh, my
1350
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:18,800
God, we're gonna go see Thunder
1351
00:40:18,801 --> 00:40:20,666
Road" or whatever the fuck.
1352
00:40:20,667 --> 00:40:21,667
I'm like, "Really?
1353
00:40:21,668 --> 00:40:24,332
A bunch of gay guys dancing?
1354
00:40:24,333 --> 00:40:25,932
I could stay in West Hollywood
1355
00:40:25,933 --> 00:40:28,066
for that shit."
1356
00:40:28,067 --> 00:40:29,432
My apartment building's infested
1357
00:40:29,433 --> 00:40:31,566
with gay men.
1358
00:40:31,567 --> 00:40:33,866
They're like cockroaches.
1359
00:40:33,867 --> 00:40:35,599
They multiply like roaches.
1360
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,599
Two go in, three come out.
1361
00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:39,466
What the fuck is that?
1362
00:40:39,467 --> 00:40:40,467
Where'd the little one come
1363
00:40:40,468 --> 00:40:42,632
from?
1364
00:40:42,633 --> 00:40:43,899
Whose ass did he just fly out
1365
00:40:43,900 --> 00:40:45,966
of?
1366
00:40:45,967 --> 00:40:49,432
How high am I?
1367
00:40:49,433 --> 00:40:51,499
I don't hate gay people.
1368
00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:54,266
I just don't like gay men.
1369
00:40:54,267 --> 00:40:56,566
They're always happy.
1370
00:40:56,567 --> 00:40:57,533
You ever see a sad one?
1371
00:40:57,534 --> 00:40:59,932
One sad gay dude in the back of
1372
00:40:59,933 --> 00:41:01,299
the bar crying in his Heineken
1373
00:41:01,300 --> 00:41:03,266
over some bad dick.
1374
00:41:03,267 --> 00:41:04,966
You ever see it?!
1375
00:41:04,967 --> 00:41:05,967
You never will.
1376
00:41:05,967 --> 00:41:06,967
They're always singing and
1377
00:41:06,968 --> 00:41:08,066
dancing.
1378
00:41:08,067 --> 00:41:09,966
Why are they so happy?
1379
00:41:09,967 --> 00:41:11,366
I fuck men.
1380
00:41:11,367 --> 00:41:14,799
Do I look happy tonight?
1381
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:16,366
Where's that dick that's so off
1382
00:41:16,367 --> 00:41:17,766
the chain I'm gonna join a
1383
00:41:17,767 --> 00:41:19,399
parade?
1384
00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:20,932
Fuck yeah.
1385
00:41:20,933 --> 00:41:23,466
That was incredible.
1386
00:41:23,467 --> 00:41:26,700
Stick it right up my ass.
1387
00:41:29,133 --> 00:41:30,632
You fucking young chicks kill
1388
00:41:30,633 --> 00:41:32,832
me.
1389
00:41:32,833 --> 00:41:33,899
You know what's so funny about
1390
00:41:33,900 --> 00:41:35,599
you?
1391
00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:37,699
In 20 years, you're me.
1392
00:41:37,700 --> 00:41:39,132
(laughs)
1393
00:41:39,133 --> 00:41:41,799
Drink up, sluts!
1394
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,332
Fuck.
1395
00:41:43,333 --> 00:41:45,399
I sit in my apartment all day.
1396
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:46,432
I just hide.
1397
00:41:46,433 --> 00:41:47,999
I watch television.
1398
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:49,000
You men, you have it all.
1399
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:50,000
In my next life, I just want to
1400
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:51,000
be a man.
1401
00:41:51,001 --> 00:41:52,066
I swear.
1402
00:41:52,067 --> 00:41:53,299
I just want to sit around and
1403
00:41:53,300 --> 00:41:54,499
scratch my ball sack and watch
1404
00:41:54,500 --> 00:41:56,832
sports.
1405
00:41:56,833 --> 00:41:57,999
You guys have everything.
1406
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,132
All of Vegas, all of this is
1407
00:41:59,133 --> 00:42:00,366
entertainment for you... the
1408
00:42:00,367 --> 00:42:01,899
girls, the fucking gambling.
1409
00:42:01,900 --> 00:42:03,132
We have nothing.
1410
00:42:03,133 --> 00:42:04,432
I have to watch sports because
1411
00:42:04,433 --> 00:42:06,166
there's nothing for women to
1412
00:42:06,167 --> 00:42:07,766
watch.
1413
00:42:07,767 --> 00:42:09,899
So now I watch golf, golf, golf.
1414
00:42:09,900 --> 00:42:11,099
That's what I'm into.
1415
00:42:11,100 --> 00:42:12,466
Tiger Woods.
1416
00:42:12,467 --> 00:42:13,666
They should be applauding Tiger
1417
00:42:13,667 --> 00:42:15,266
Woods, what he did for that
1418
00:42:15,267 --> 00:42:16,632
sport.
1419
00:42:16,633 --> 00:42:17,899
Who in this room, before Tiger
1420
00:42:17,900 --> 00:42:21,299
Woods, ever even thought golfers
1421
00:42:21,300 --> 00:42:23,267
fucked?
1422
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:27,899
You get older, you're just done.
1423
00:42:27,900 --> 00:42:28,900
I'm just tired.
1424
00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:29,900
Everybody, "What do you do all
1425
00:42:29,900 --> 00:42:30,900
day?
1426
00:42:30,900 --> 00:42:31,900
What'd you do in your hotel
1427
00:42:31,900 --> 00:42:32,900
room?
1428
00:42:32,900 --> 00:42:33,900
We didn't see you."
1429
00:42:33,901 --> 00:42:35,099
You don't see me because I'm
1430
00:42:35,100 --> 00:42:36,999
inside my fucking hotel room
1431
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:38,366
plucking my chin hair so I don't
1432
00:42:38,367 --> 00:42:40,299
look like Nick fucking Nolte
1433
00:42:40,300 --> 00:42:42,267
tonight!
1434
00:42:44,967 --> 00:42:46,432
Only when you get older, you
1435
00:42:46,433 --> 00:42:49,166
realize how rude people are.
1436
00:42:49,167 --> 00:42:50,366
Strangers.
1437
00:42:50,367 --> 00:42:51,999
I was standing outside and this
1438
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:53,899
crackhead came out of nowhere.
1439
00:42:53,900 --> 00:42:56,766
I have my regular face on.
1440
00:42:56,767 --> 00:42:58,832
And she says, "Smile!
1441
00:42:58,833 --> 00:43:01,632
Smile!"
1442
00:43:01,633 --> 00:43:02,633
And I go, "Why? So you can
1443
00:43:02,634 --> 00:43:03,932
remember what a full set of
1444
00:43:03,933 --> 00:43:05,066
teeth look like?
1445
00:43:05,067 --> 00:43:08,532
Get the fuck out of here!"
1446
00:43:08,533 --> 00:43:11,832
It's too much, getting old.
1447
00:43:11,833 --> 00:43:13,366
God, everybody's so rude.
1448
00:43:13,367 --> 00:43:15,599
"Oh, my God, look how big your
1449
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,466
text is on your iPhone.
1450
00:43:18,467 --> 00:43:20,366
Oh, my God.
1451
00:43:20,367 --> 00:43:22,799
Why don't you just get glasses?"
1452
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,232
"Why don't you shut the fuck up?
1453
00:43:25,233 --> 00:43:27,632
Maybe that's nature telling me
1454
00:43:27,633 --> 00:43:29,600
I've seen enough shit!"
1455
00:43:31,867 --> 00:43:33,332
God, I'm glad I'm in such a good
1456
00:43:33,333 --> 00:43:36,866
mood tonight.
1457
00:43:36,867 --> 00:43:39,467
Usually I'm a real bitch.
1458
00:43:42,133 --> 00:43:44,266
(sighs) I don't belong in Vegas.
1459
00:43:44,267 --> 00:43:45,366
This fucking town.
1460
00:43:45,367 --> 00:43:46,666
It's all for young people.
1461
00:43:46,667 --> 00:43:48,099
You young girls, you're always
1462
00:43:48,100 --> 00:43:49,266
getting fucked up.
1463
00:43:49,267 --> 00:43:50,267
You don't know how to handle it.
1464
00:43:50,267 --> 00:43:51,267
You can't drink.
1465
00:43:51,267 --> 00:43:52,267
You don't know how to control
1466
00:43:52,268 --> 00:43:53,566
your liquor.
1467
00:43:53,567 --> 00:43:54,567
I see 'em out there, and they're
1468
00:43:54,567 --> 00:43:55,567
just barfing at the end of the
1469
00:43:55,568 --> 00:43:56,799
night on the Strip.
1470
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,032
(retching)
1471
00:43:59,033 --> 00:44:02,232
"Oh, my God. (retches)
1472
00:44:02,233 --> 00:44:05,200
Oh, my God, Rebecca, help me."
1473
00:44:07,233 --> 00:44:08,399
You're a disgrace to true
1474
00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:10,732
alcoholics.
1475
00:44:10,733 --> 00:44:13,166
(crowd whooping)
1476
00:44:13,167 --> 00:44:14,499
Learn how to drink.
1477
00:44:14,500 --> 00:44:15,500
I'm sick of your little tales of
1478
00:44:15,501 --> 00:44:17,399
woe on the news.
1479
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:18,732
"Oh, my God.
1480
00:44:18,733 --> 00:44:21,199
I don't know what happened.
1481
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,399
We were in Vegas.
1482
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:25,132
Everything was going great.
1483
00:44:25,133 --> 00:44:27,199
And then some guys showed up and
1484
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:28,832
they had dicks.
1485
00:44:28,833 --> 00:44:30,499
I don't know.
1486
00:44:30,500 --> 00:44:32,832
Somebody tried to rape me."
1487
00:44:32,833 --> 00:44:34,166
Always crying rape, you young
1488
00:44:34,167 --> 00:44:35,432
girls.
1489
00:44:35,433 --> 00:44:37,799
Shut up!
1490
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:39,767
Start liking it.
1491
00:44:41,833 --> 00:44:43,666
You mean to tell me some strange
1492
00:44:43,667 --> 00:44:46,266
man, at my age, is gonna run up
1493
00:44:46,267 --> 00:44:49,399
behind me, fuck me and take off
1494
00:44:49,400 --> 00:44:52,632
laughing?
1495
00:44:52,633 --> 00:44:56,632
That's my dream date.
1496
00:44:56,633 --> 00:44:57,832
Are there any rapists here
1497
00:44:57,833 --> 00:45:00,032
tonight?
1498
00:45:00,033 --> 00:45:01,232
Wait out in the lobby.
1499
00:45:01,233 --> 00:45:03,866
I'll walk real slow.
1500
00:45:03,867 --> 00:45:05,666
God.
1501
00:45:05,667 --> 00:45:07,599
I should've been a
1502
00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:09,567
schoolteacher.
1503
00:45:11,833 --> 00:45:12,999
I'd be getting laid left and
1504
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:16,099
right right now.
1505
00:45:16,100 --> 00:45:17,332
You know it's true.
1506
00:45:17,333 --> 00:45:18,899
They're running amok.
1507
00:45:18,900 --> 00:45:21,199
There's a reason why, too.
1508
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:22,766
God, when I went to school, boys
1509
00:45:22,767 --> 00:45:24,366
were, like, pin-chested,
1510
00:45:24,367 --> 00:45:26,032
pimple-faced geeks.
1511
00:45:26,033 --> 00:45:27,766
Nobody wanted to fuck them.
1512
00:45:27,767 --> 00:45:29,099
Now, because of all the hormones
1513
00:45:29,100 --> 00:45:30,632
in the milk and the cheese,
1514
00:45:30,633 --> 00:45:32,699
they're huge.
1515
00:45:32,700 --> 00:45:33,999
I live across the street from a
1516
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:35,000
school.
1517
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:36,000
I watch those sixth graders
1518
00:45:36,001 --> 00:45:37,432
working out.
1519
00:45:37,433 --> 00:45:39,732
They're like convicts.
1520
00:45:39,733 --> 00:45:41,099
Out there cracking their necks
1521
00:45:41,100 --> 00:45:43,066
in the sun.
1522
00:45:43,067 --> 00:45:45,899
They look delicious.
1523
00:45:45,900 --> 00:45:48,432
You couldn't put me, at my age,
1524
00:45:48,433 --> 00:45:50,866
in front of a classroom full of
1525
00:45:50,867 --> 00:45:52,932
young, hot, hard-bodied boys
1526
00:45:52,933 --> 00:45:55,566
raising their dumb hands.
1527
00:45:55,567 --> 00:45:56,899
I'd fuck the shit out of your
1528
00:45:56,900 --> 00:46:00,399
kids.
1529
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:01,766
That's what you get for leaving
1530
00:46:01,767 --> 00:46:03,999
'em here for eight hours.
1531
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,299
There's only 26 letters in the
1532
00:46:05,300 --> 00:46:06,300
alphabet.
1533
00:46:06,300 --> 00:46:07,300
How long was that supposed to
1534
00:46:07,301 --> 00:46:10,566
fucking take?
1535
00:46:10,567 --> 00:46:14,532
I'd be a hooker, but they walk.
1536
00:46:14,533 --> 00:46:16,299
God, out there in West Hollywood
1537
00:46:16,300 --> 00:46:17,300
on Sunset, those hookers out
1538
00:46:17,300 --> 00:46:18,300
there.
1539
00:46:18,300 --> 00:46:19,300
There was one in front of my
1540
00:46:19,301 --> 00:46:20,399
house for years.
1541
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:21,599
She had a broken shoe.
1542
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:22,600
She's just pissed off at the
1543
00:46:22,601 --> 00:46:25,166
world.
1544
00:46:25,167 --> 00:46:27,399
I almost hit her with the car.
1545
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:29,699
I said, "Sit down!
1546
00:46:29,700 --> 00:46:32,232
You are selling ass, not Avon.
1547
00:46:32,233 --> 00:46:34,132
What are you, a Jehovah
1548
00:46:34,133 --> 00:46:35,499
Witness whore?
1549
00:46:35,500 --> 00:46:36,866
Sit down."
1550
00:46:36,867 --> 00:46:38,399
God, I'd sell my ass, but I
1551
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:40,232
wouldn't walk anywhere.
1552
00:46:40,233 --> 00:46:42,066
Somebody get me a beach chair or
1553
00:46:42,067 --> 00:46:43,499
a stool.
1554
00:46:43,500 --> 00:46:45,699
Bring me a Coke!
1555
00:46:45,700 --> 00:46:47,699
I'm sucking cock out here!
1556
00:46:47,700 --> 00:46:49,632
It's 100 degrees.
1557
00:46:49,633 --> 00:46:51,499
I have a pimp chasing me.
1558
00:46:51,500 --> 00:46:53,299
I'm parched.
1559
00:46:53,300 --> 00:46:55,432
(coughs)
1560
00:46:55,433 --> 00:46:57,899
I need a soda.
1561
00:46:57,900 --> 00:46:59,166
You ever suck a dick, little
1562
00:46:59,167 --> 00:47:02,699
boy?
1563
00:47:02,700 --> 00:47:04,399
It is not for the weak or the
1564
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:06,399
timid.
1565
00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:09,632
(crowd cheering)
1566
00:47:09,633 --> 00:47:11,666
I'd make so much money.
1567
00:47:11,667 --> 00:47:12,667
There's always traffic.
1568
00:47:12,668 --> 00:47:14,199
God, if I was young.
1569
00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:15,200
If I looked like you girls, with
1570
00:47:15,201 --> 00:47:16,266
your tits out and your pussies
1571
00:47:16,267 --> 00:47:18,832
just fucking waving in the wind,
1572
00:47:18,833 --> 00:47:20,466
I'd just be out there selling
1573
00:47:20,467 --> 00:47:22,899
it.
1574
00:47:22,900 --> 00:47:24,332
I'd get a little Razor scooter
1575
00:47:24,333 --> 00:47:26,300
and just be like...
1576
00:47:28,433 --> 00:47:30,166
Ding, ding. "Pussy!
1577
00:47:30,167 --> 00:47:31,167
Let's go."
1578
00:47:31,167 --> 00:47:32,167
Thanks for having me.
1579
00:47:32,167 --> 00:47:33,167
Good night.
1580
00:47:33,167 --> 00:47:34,167
JENNY: Give it up for Paula
1581
00:47:34,168 --> 00:47:35,966
Bel!
1582
00:47:35,967 --> 00:47:38,899
(crowd cheering)
1583
00:47:38,900 --> 00:47:40,366
My next video, I kind of answer
1584
00:47:40,367 --> 00:47:42,299
the question, "What do women
1585
00:47:42,300 --> 00:47:45,399
really think about during sex?"
1586
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:46,400
What do you think that is, big
1587
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:47,400
guy?
1588
00:47:47,401 --> 00:47:49,066
MAN: Me, of course.
1589
00:47:49,067 --> 00:47:50,067
JENNY (fake laugh): Oh,
1590
00:47:50,068 --> 00:47:51,232
that's so funny.
1591
00:47:51,233 --> 00:47:52,299
I don't think so.
1592
00:47:52,300 --> 00:47:54,267
Check this out.
1593
00:47:57,267 --> 00:47:58,267
You like that?
1594
00:47:58,267 --> 00:47:59,267
JENNY: Oh, I love it.
1595
00:47:59,267 --> 00:48:00,267
You want it harder?
1596
00:48:00,267 --> 00:48:01,267
JENNY: Yeah.
1597
00:48:01,268 --> 00:48:03,266
Yeah?
1598
00:48:03,267 --> 00:48:05,233
(panting)
1599
00:48:07,533 --> 00:48:08,766
JENNY: I wonder who invented
1600
00:48:08,767 --> 00:48:09,767
the ceiling fan.
1601
00:48:09,768 --> 00:48:10,799
Hmm.
1602
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:11,966
Oh, yeah.
1603
00:48:11,967 --> 00:48:14,199
(phone chimes)
1604
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:15,266
Crap. I missed my hair
1605
00:48:15,267 --> 00:48:16,799
appointment.
1606
00:48:16,800 --> 00:48:18,832
(man moaning)
1607
00:48:18,833 --> 00:48:22,132
Ooh, this is a tough one.
1608
00:48:22,133 --> 00:48:23,599
"Who is the big red dog?"
1609
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:25,332
Okay, I have chicken.
1610
00:48:25,333 --> 00:48:26,499
I need to pick up some oranges
1611
00:48:26,500 --> 00:48:27,500
and breadcrumbs.
1612
00:48:27,501 --> 00:48:28,532
Oh, and some onions.
1613
00:48:28,533 --> 00:48:29,533
I always forget about the
1614
00:48:29,533 --> 00:48:30,533
onions.
1615
00:48:30,534 --> 00:48:31,632
And chicken's gonna take about
1616
00:48:31,633 --> 00:48:32,832
three hours to de-thaw, so I
1617
00:48:32,833 --> 00:48:33,932
have to pull it out of the
1618
00:48:33,933 --> 00:48:34,999
freezer.
1619
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:36,000
I wish he would hurry up.
1620
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:37,000
God, I wish he would just come
1621
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:38,000
already.
1622
00:48:38,000 --> 00:48:39,000
Just come.
1623
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:40,000
Just fucking come.
1624
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:40,967
Ugh! I can't stand this.
1625
00:48:40,968 --> 00:48:41,999
Fuck, fuck, come, come!
1626
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:42,933
Just come already!
1627
00:48:42,933 --> 00:48:43,933
Come, come, come, come, come,
1628
00:48:43,934 --> 00:48:45,199
come, come, come.
1629
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:46,200
(crowd cheering)
1630
00:48:46,201 --> 00:48:48,066
My mom actually said she really
1631
00:48:48,067 --> 00:48:49,666
connected to that video montage
1632
00:48:49,667 --> 00:48:51,932
the most.
1633
00:48:51,933 --> 00:48:53,166
Gross.
1634
00:48:53,167 --> 00:48:55,232
All right, this is it, you guys.
1635
00:48:55,233 --> 00:48:56,999
How are we doing so far?
1636
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,099
(crowd cheering)
1637
00:48:58,100 --> 00:48:59,466
Right?
1638
00:48:59,467 --> 00:49:01,666
This woman is the epitome of
1639
00:49:01,667 --> 00:49:02,832
Dirty Sexy Funny.
1640
00:49:02,833 --> 00:49:04,566
She is a former troubled teen
1641
00:49:04,567 --> 00:49:06,466
from South Central Los Angeles.
1642
00:49:06,467 --> 00:49:08,399
Hide your purses and give it up
1643
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:10,367
for Tiffany Haddish.
1644
00:49:15,500 --> 00:49:17,467
♪ ♪
1645
00:49:24,767 --> 00:49:26,733
(crowd cheering)
1646
00:49:36,700 --> 00:49:38,266
(crowd cheering)
1647
00:49:38,267 --> 00:49:39,267
TIFFANY HADDISH: Planet
1648
00:49:39,267 --> 00:49:40,267
DJ Laptop.
1649
00:49:40,268 --> 00:49:41,332
Give it up for DJ Laptop in the
1650
00:49:41,333 --> 00:49:42,666
building.
1651
00:49:42,667 --> 00:49:43,966
(crowd cheering)
1652
00:49:43,967 --> 00:49:44,967
He playing all the hits on his
1653
00:49:44,968 --> 00:49:47,232
laptop.
1654
00:49:47,233 --> 00:49:48,233
I want to let y'all know right
1655
00:49:48,234 --> 00:49:49,299
now I've been looking around the
1656
00:49:49,300 --> 00:49:50,300
room.
1657
00:49:50,301 --> 00:49:51,432
I see that it's not anybody in
1658
00:49:51,433 --> 00:49:52,532
here that look like me, and
1659
00:49:52,533 --> 00:49:55,132
that's okay.
1660
00:49:55,133 --> 00:49:57,632
It's okay, because I'm white.
1661
00:49:57,633 --> 00:49:58,633
I want y'all to know that.
1662
00:49:58,633 --> 00:49:59,633
I had to renew my driver's
1663
00:49:59,634 --> 00:50:01,432
license last year, and I did.
1664
00:50:01,433 --> 00:50:02,799
I put "Caucasian" on there.
1665
00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:04,132
My credit score went up by 300
1666
00:50:04,133 --> 00:50:06,499
points.
1667
00:50:06,500 --> 00:50:08,466
I slept with 86 white men.
1668
00:50:08,467 --> 00:50:09,832
My boyfriend didn't leave me.
1669
00:50:09,833 --> 00:50:11,632
It's... it's good being a white
1670
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:12,633
woman.
1671
00:50:12,634 --> 00:50:14,799
I know a lot of you women in
1672
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:15,733
here a looking at me like,
1673
00:50:15,733 --> 00:50:16,733
"This bitch is too
1674
00:50:16,734 --> 00:50:18,766
motherfucking cute.
1675
00:50:18,767 --> 00:50:20,166
My man wants to fuck her."
1676
00:50:20,167 --> 00:50:22,432
He does.
1677
00:50:22,433 --> 00:50:24,099
But I won't.
1678
00:50:24,100 --> 00:50:25,100
I won't take your man.
1679
00:50:25,101 --> 00:50:26,699
I won't take your man.
1680
00:50:26,700 --> 00:50:27,766
Unless he's on a respirator.
1681
00:50:27,767 --> 00:50:29,732
That's my style.
1682
00:50:29,733 --> 00:50:31,366
I like 'em old and barely able
1683
00:50:31,367 --> 00:50:32,732
to breathe, 'cause I'm trying to
1684
00:50:32,733 --> 00:50:34,899
get an inheritance.
1685
00:50:34,900 --> 00:50:36,632
I need benefits, bitch.
1686
00:50:36,633 --> 00:50:40,299
This Indian hair ain't cheap.
1687
00:50:40,300 --> 00:50:41,366
I'm walking around here smelling
1688
00:50:41,367 --> 00:50:42,367
like curry.
1689
00:50:42,368 --> 00:50:43,399
Every time, I hear music, I just
1690
00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:44,400
start, like...
1691
00:50:44,401 --> 00:50:45,466
(singing)
1692
00:50:45,467 --> 00:50:46,532
I look like Slumdog Millionaire
1693
00:50:46,533 --> 00:50:47,566
when I start dancing.
1694
00:50:47,567 --> 00:50:50,332
Just...
1695
00:50:50,333 --> 00:50:51,899
It's hard being me.
1696
00:50:51,900 --> 00:50:54,799
It's not easy being me!
1697
00:50:54,800 --> 00:50:58,199
Constantly sucking in my uterus.
1698
00:50:58,200 --> 00:50:59,432
'Cause I'm ovulating.
1699
00:50:59,433 --> 00:51:00,532
I'm horny as hell.
1700
00:51:00,533 --> 00:51:02,599
Who wants some?
1701
00:51:02,600 --> 00:51:04,166
I smell good credit all up in
1702
00:51:04,167 --> 00:51:05,499
this motherfucker.
1703
00:51:05,500 --> 00:51:06,866
I see you, glasses.
1704
00:51:06,867 --> 00:51:08,866
I see you.
1705
00:51:08,867 --> 00:51:09,867
Look like a fucked-up Clark
1706
00:51:09,867 --> 00:51:10,867
Kent.
1707
00:51:10,868 --> 00:51:11,999
I'm with it.
1708
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:13,799
But I'm feeling good tonight.
1709
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:15,466
I'm feeling fantastic.
1710
00:51:15,467 --> 00:51:16,467
My baby toe is dead in these
1711
00:51:16,468 --> 00:51:18,099
five-dollar shoes.
1712
00:51:18,100 --> 00:51:19,199
I feel sexy.
1713
00:51:19,200 --> 00:51:20,200
Laes, you know what I'm
1714
00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:21,200
talking about.
1715
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:22,200
You know when you get your
1716
00:51:22,201 --> 00:51:23,299
little cute cheap shoes.
1717
00:51:23,300 --> 00:51:24,300
You're like, "These are the
1718
00:51:24,300 --> 00:51:25,300
shoes right here.
1719
00:51:25,301 --> 00:51:26,366
I'm getting pregnant tonight in
1720
00:51:26,367 --> 00:51:27,367
these.
1721
00:51:27,368 --> 00:51:29,966
Somebody gonna marry me tonight.
1722
00:51:29,967 --> 00:51:31,699
They gonna buy the house."
1723
00:51:31,700 --> 00:51:32,700
My grandma taught me that this
1724
00:51:32,700 --> 00:51:33,700
was a house.
1725
00:51:33,701 --> 00:51:34,799
I'll never forget it.
1726
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:36,032
It was my 18th birthday.
1727
00:51:36,033 --> 00:51:37,132
I wish she would have told me on
1728
00:51:37,133 --> 00:51:38,166
my 16th birthday, 'cause at
1729
00:51:38,167 --> 00:51:39,299
that point, I had been renting
1730
00:51:39,300 --> 00:51:41,299
out the property already.
1731
00:51:41,300 --> 00:51:42,832
And she pulled me to the side,
1732
00:51:42,833 --> 00:51:44,800
and she said...
1733
00:51:48,900 --> 00:51:51,866
"Look here, baby girl.
1734
00:51:51,867 --> 00:51:53,699
Now that you've become a woman,
1735
00:51:53,700 --> 00:51:54,799
I want you to think of yourself
1736
00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:55,800
as a house.
1737
00:51:55,801 --> 00:51:57,299
And there's one thing you got to
1738
00:51:57,300 --> 00:51:58,332
remember, baby.
1739
00:51:58,333 --> 00:52:00,266
Every man wants to come inside
1740
00:52:00,267 --> 00:52:03,299
your house, but you can't be
1741
00:52:03,300 --> 00:52:04,566
having all kind of men going in
1742
00:52:04,567 --> 00:52:05,832
and out your house all the time,
1743
00:52:05,833 --> 00:52:06,833
'cause that'll bring your
1744
00:52:06,834 --> 00:52:08,399
property value low.
1745
00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:09,899
Mess around and be known as the
1746
00:52:09,900 --> 00:52:11,332
crack house, and you don't want
1747
00:52:11,333 --> 00:52:12,432
to be the crack house.
1748
00:52:12,433 --> 00:52:13,866
So, you want to keep the grass
1749
00:52:13,867 --> 00:52:15,232
cut and keep it clean.
1750
00:52:15,233 --> 00:52:16,632
'Cause you don't want people
1751
00:52:16,633 --> 00:52:17,899
walking by, thinking you got an
1752
00:52:17,900 --> 00:52:19,199
abandoned house.
1753
00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:20,432
And you don't want to go out
1754
00:52:20,433 --> 00:52:21,499
late at night getting drunk and
1755
00:52:21,500 --> 00:52:22,632
stuff, 'cause somebody will
1756
00:52:22,633 --> 00:52:23,633
break into your house, baby,
1757
00:52:23,633 --> 00:52:24,633
right through the back door.
1758
00:52:24,633 --> 00:52:25,533
They'll break in right through
1759
00:52:25,533 --> 00:52:26,533
the back.
1760
00:52:26,533 --> 00:52:27,467
And that'll have you walking
1761
00:52:27,467 --> 00:52:28,467
messed up the next day, talking
1762
00:52:28,468 --> 00:52:30,166
to the police."
1763
00:52:30,167 --> 00:52:31,832
And she said, "Once you find a
1764
00:52:31,833 --> 00:52:33,266
man that loves you and cares
1765
00:52:33,267 --> 00:52:35,799
about you, he'll go ahead and
1766
00:52:35,800 --> 00:52:37,366
he'll sign that paperwork.
1767
00:52:37,367 --> 00:52:39,032
He'll put a ring on your finger,
1768
00:52:39,033 --> 00:52:40,399
and he will buy that house."
1769
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:41,599
And I just want to know by a
1770
00:52:41,600 --> 00:52:42,799
round of applause, how many
1771
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:44,266
ladies in here tonight got them
1772
00:52:44,267 --> 00:52:46,232
a husband, AKA homeowner, a
1773
00:52:46,233 --> 00:52:47,566
man that loves you, take care of
1774
00:52:47,567 --> 00:52:48,567
you?
1775
00:52:48,568 --> 00:52:49,599
Make some noise if you got you a
1776
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:50,732
husband, girl!
1777
00:52:50,733 --> 00:52:52,700
(crowd cheering)
1778
00:52:55,467 --> 00:52:57,299
That's it?
1779
00:52:57,300 --> 00:52:58,799
So the rest of you heifers in
1780
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:00,366
here renting to own?
1781
00:53:00,367 --> 00:53:01,866
Just Section-Eighting the
1782
00:53:01,867 --> 00:53:03,699
property out?
1783
00:53:03,700 --> 00:53:05,032
Small Latin family of 15 living
1784
00:53:05,033 --> 00:53:06,232
in there, trying to make ends
1785
00:53:06,233 --> 00:53:07,366
meet?
1786
00:53:07,367 --> 00:53:09,232
Some of the men in here don't
1787
00:53:09,233 --> 00:53:10,432
like this joke, 'cause they own
1788
00:53:10,433 --> 00:53:11,699
multiple properties, and they're
1789
00:53:11,700 --> 00:53:12,799
having a hard time maintaining
1790
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,699
'em, and they don't want you to
1791
00:53:14,700 --> 00:53:16,666
know about that shit.
1792
00:53:16,667 --> 00:53:18,432
"Got a condo in South Central,
1793
00:53:18,433 --> 00:53:21,832
bitch, and you live in Utah."
1794
00:53:21,833 --> 00:53:24,799
Ooh, my baby toe is dead.
1795
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:26,132
I just want to do the rest of
1796
00:53:26,133 --> 00:53:27,899
the show on the side of my feet.
1797
00:53:27,900 --> 00:53:30,266
Just fuck it, just...
1798
00:53:30,267 --> 00:53:32,566
(crowd cheering)
1799
00:53:32,567 --> 00:53:33,567
Ladies, you know what I'm
1800
00:53:33,567 --> 00:53:34,567
talking about.
1801
00:53:34,567 --> 00:53:35,567
You get the cute shoes, you go
1802
00:53:35,567 --> 00:53:36,567
in the club.
1803
00:53:36,567 --> 00:53:37,567
You're like, "This is it right
1804
00:53:37,567 --> 00:53:38,567
here.
1805
00:53:38,567 --> 00:53:39,567
I'm gonna kill 'em in the club
1806
00:53:39,567 --> 00:53:40,567
tonight."
1807
00:53:40,568 --> 00:53:41,766
You walk in the club like a
1808
00:53:41,767 --> 00:53:42,966
motherfucking unicorn.
1809
00:53:42,967 --> 00:53:44,499
Like you're the baddest bitch in
1810
00:53:44,500 --> 00:53:45,500
the universe.
1811
00:53:45,501 --> 00:53:47,467
You just... (sputters)
1812
00:53:49,933 --> 00:53:51,599
(crowd cheering)
1813
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:52,999
"I'm the last black unicorn,
1814
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:54,999
bitch.
1815
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,699
(sputters)
1816
00:53:56,700 --> 00:53:58,032
Look at my shoes!
1817
00:53:58,033 --> 00:53:59,466
Look at my shoes!"
1818
00:53:59,467 --> 00:54:02,132
(sputters)
1819
00:54:02,133 --> 00:54:03,866
You be at the watering hole, the
1820
00:54:03,867 --> 00:54:06,632
bar, just, like...
1821
00:54:06,633 --> 00:54:08,699
(sputters)
1822
00:54:08,700 --> 00:54:09,766
"I think my big toe just fell
1823
00:54:09,767 --> 00:54:12,132
off.
1824
00:54:12,133 --> 00:54:13,366
Just stay at the bar.
1825
00:54:13,367 --> 00:54:14,367
Somebody's gonna buy another
1826
00:54:14,368 --> 00:54:16,466
drink to numb that.
1827
00:54:16,467 --> 00:54:18,266
(sputters)
1828
00:54:18,267 --> 00:54:19,666
(giggling)
1829
00:54:19,667 --> 00:54:21,499
Stick your ass out more.
1830
00:54:21,500 --> 00:54:25,099
Stick your ass out."
1831
00:54:25,100 --> 00:54:26,132
You try to go to the club, look
1832
00:54:26,133 --> 00:54:27,133
sexy.
1833
00:54:27,134 --> 00:54:29,466
Wear your little skinny jeans.
1834
00:54:29,467 --> 00:54:30,832
I fucking hate skinny jeans.
1835
00:54:30,833 --> 00:54:32,199
I love 'em, and I hate 'em.
1836
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:33,266
I love 'em 'cause they hold
1837
00:54:33,267 --> 00:54:34,399
everything in and lift your ass
1838
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:35,499
up and make you look fucking
1839
00:54:35,500 --> 00:54:37,532
fantastic, but I hate 'em 'cause
1840
00:54:37,533 --> 00:54:38,599
they fucking...
1841
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:40,266
Ladies, you ever took your
1842
00:54:40,267 --> 00:54:41,532
skinny jeans off, and it still
1843
00:54:41,533 --> 00:54:42,533
look like you got jeans on?
1844
00:54:42,533 --> 00:54:43,533
And your dude be like, "Take
1845
00:54:43,533 --> 00:54:44,533
off your pants."
1846
00:54:44,533 --> 00:54:45,533
You're like, "I did take off my
1847
00:54:45,533 --> 00:54:46,533
pants."
1848
00:54:46,533 --> 00:54:47,533
He like, "Well, what's up with
1849
00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:48,566
the pockets in the back?"
1850
00:54:48,567 --> 00:54:49,567
You're like, "Motherfucker,
1851
00:54:49,568 --> 00:54:50,732
that is ass, stupid.
1852
00:54:50,733 --> 00:54:52,699
It's supposed to have ripples
1853
00:54:52,700 --> 00:54:54,366
and dents in it and shit, dummy.
1854
00:54:54,367 --> 00:54:55,367
That's what make the sound
1855
00:54:55,368 --> 00:54:56,466
effects."
1856
00:54:56,467 --> 00:54:57,433
And men love them sound effects.
1857
00:54:57,433 --> 00:54:58,433
Don't they?
1858
00:54:58,433 --> 00:54:59,433
Y'all love that... them sound
1859
00:54:59,433 --> 00:55:00,433
effects...
1860
00:55:00,434 --> 00:55:02,932
(popping, slurping noises)
1861
00:55:02,933 --> 00:55:03,966
I can't really do 'em with my
1862
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:06,366
mouth, but my ass does it great.
1863
00:55:06,367 --> 00:55:07,367
My ass...
1864
00:55:07,368 --> 00:55:10,732
(popping, slurping noises)
1865
00:55:10,733 --> 00:55:11,932
Ladies, remember the first time
1866
00:55:11,933 --> 00:55:13,766
you was doing it doggy style?
1867
00:55:13,767 --> 00:55:14,832
Some of y'all got to think way,
1868
00:55:14,833 --> 00:55:16,032
way back, but think about it.
1869
00:55:16,033 --> 00:55:17,566
The first time you was doing it
1870
00:55:17,567 --> 00:55:19,199
doggy style, and the dude
1871
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:20,299
hitting it from the back, and
1872
00:55:20,300 --> 00:55:21,332
you enjoying it.
1873
00:55:21,333 --> 00:55:22,432
You're like, "Ooh, this is
1874
00:55:22,433 --> 00:55:24,432
nice.
1875
00:55:24,433 --> 00:55:27,166
Ooh, I like this.
1876
00:55:27,167 --> 00:55:28,167
I'm gonna do it like this all
1877
00:55:28,167 --> 00:55:29,167
the time.
1878
00:55:29,168 --> 00:55:30,266
I don't have to look at him or
1879
00:55:30,267 --> 00:55:31,332
nothing.
1880
00:55:31,333 --> 00:55:32,333
This...
1881
00:55:32,333 --> 00:55:33,333
Ooh, what did he just do...?
1882
00:55:33,334 --> 00:55:34,632
Oh, don't look at him.
1883
00:55:34,633 --> 00:55:35,633
Don't look at him.
1884
00:55:35,633 --> 00:55:36,633
You're gonna fuck it up.
1885
00:55:36,633 --> 00:55:37,633
Right now, he's Antonio
1886
00:55:37,633 --> 00:55:38,633
Banderas.
1887
00:55:38,633 --> 00:55:39,633
You look back, that motherfucker
1888
00:55:39,634 --> 00:55:40,799
Pee Wee Herman.
1889
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:41,800
Oh, shit. Oh, shit."
1890
00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:42,800
It start getting real good.
1891
00:55:42,801 --> 00:55:43,899
You be like, "Oh, shit.
1892
00:55:43,900 --> 00:55:44,900
Oh, shit."
1893
00:55:44,900 --> 00:55:45,900
You start arching your back and
1894
00:55:45,900 --> 00:55:46,900
shit.
1895
00:55:46,900 --> 00:55:47,900
He be pushing it down.
1896
00:55:47,900 --> 00:55:48,900
You be arching it.
1897
00:55:48,900 --> 00:55:49,900
He be pushing it.
1898
00:55:49,900 --> 00:55:50,900
You be... (grunting)
1899
00:55:50,900 --> 00:55:51,733
And the next thing you know, you
1900
00:55:51,733 --> 00:55:52,433
hear...
1901
00:55:52,434 --> 00:55:53,732
(pop)
1902
00:55:53,733 --> 00:55:55,700
(farting)
1903
00:55:59,867 --> 00:56:01,032
(panting)
1904
00:56:01,033 --> 00:56:03,066
(farting)
1905
00:56:03,067 --> 00:56:04,632
(laughing)
1906
00:56:04,633 --> 00:56:06,199
(farting)
1907
00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:07,200
And the first time that happened
1908
00:56:07,200 --> 00:56:08,200
to you, you don't know what to
1909
00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:09,200
do.
1910
00:56:09,201 --> 00:56:10,332
You don't know whether to get up
1911
00:56:10,333 --> 00:56:12,332
and fucking run, laugh, cry,
1912
00:56:12,333 --> 00:56:13,333
scream.
1913
00:56:13,334 --> 00:56:14,366
You don't know what to fucking
1914
00:56:14,367 --> 00:56:15,367
do.
1915
00:56:15,367 --> 00:56:16,267
The first time it happened to
1916
00:56:16,268 --> 00:56:17,532
me, I just buried my face in the
1917
00:56:17,533 --> 00:56:20,132
pillow like an ostrich, and I
1918
00:56:20,133 --> 00:56:21,133
threw my ass back real fast,
1919
00:56:21,133 --> 00:56:22,133
like he turned a nitro on that
1920
00:56:22,133 --> 00:56:23,133
motherfucker.
1921
00:56:23,134 --> 00:56:25,432
This was fast and furious ass.
1922
00:56:25,433 --> 00:56:26,666
And I just started to pray.
1923
00:56:26,667 --> 00:56:29,099
"Lord Jesus, please don't let
1924
00:56:29,100 --> 00:56:30,499
him realize the sound that just
1925
00:56:30,500 --> 00:56:31,866
came out of my ass and/or
1926
00:56:31,867 --> 00:56:33,332
vagina, Lord.
1927
00:56:33,333 --> 00:56:34,632
Ooh, Lord, just please make sure
1928
00:56:34,633 --> 00:56:35,633
it don't have no smell!
1929
00:56:35,634 --> 00:56:37,632
Jesu...
1930
00:56:37,633 --> 00:56:40,432
(sniffing)
1931
00:56:40,433 --> 00:56:41,832
Okay, I'm good in there.
1932
00:56:41,833 --> 00:56:42,999
I'm good.
1933
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:44,000
Thank you, Lord.
1934
00:56:44,001 --> 00:56:45,066
You give blessings every day,
1935
00:56:45,067 --> 00:56:47,066
Jesus."
1936
00:56:47,067 --> 00:56:48,999
That's real.
1937
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:50,166
(crowd cheering)
1938
00:56:50,167 --> 00:56:52,432
It's real.
1939
00:56:52,433 --> 00:56:53,499
None of your girlfriends that's
1940
00:56:53,500 --> 00:56:54,699
having sex before you... they
1941
00:56:54,700 --> 00:56:55,732
don't tell you.
1942
00:56:55,733 --> 00:56:57,432
They don't be like, "Girl, I
1943
00:56:57,433 --> 00:56:58,666
was doing it to Ted yesterday,
1944
00:56:58,667 --> 00:57:00,699
and he had my pussy beatboxing,
1945
00:57:00,700 --> 00:57:01,700
bitch.
1946
00:57:01,701 --> 00:57:03,366
He had my shit, like..."
1947
00:57:03,367 --> 00:57:05,333
(beatboxing)
1948
00:57:09,433 --> 00:57:10,433
(moaning): Ah.
1949
00:57:10,434 --> 00:57:13,199
(beatboxing)
1950
00:57:13,200 --> 00:57:15,299
(moaning): Ooh, ooh, ooh.
1951
00:57:15,300 --> 00:57:17,267
(beatboxing)
1952
00:57:23,633 --> 00:57:24,866
That's some good motherfucking
1953
00:57:24,867 --> 00:57:25,867
sex right there.
1954
00:57:25,868 --> 00:57:27,266
(crowd cheering)
1955
00:57:27,267 --> 00:57:30,166
Any questions?
1956
00:57:30,167 --> 00:57:31,167
Look, I had a good time with you
1957
00:57:31,167 --> 00:57:32,167
guys.
1958
00:57:32,168 --> 00:57:34,699
Y'all stay fantastic.
1959
00:57:34,700 --> 00:57:36,532
JENNY: Tiffany!
1960
00:57:36,533 --> 00:57:38,799
Love you, girl.
1961
00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:40,199
Let's hear it for all my lovely
1962
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:41,200
bitches.
1963
00:57:41,201 --> 00:57:42,666
Get back up here, girls.
1964
00:57:42,667 --> 00:57:45,199
Let's hear it for 'em, you guys.
1965
00:57:45,200 --> 00:57:46,200
(crowd cheering)
1966
00:57:46,200 --> 00:57:47,200
Thank you so much for coming out
1967
00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:48,200
tonight.
1968
00:57:48,201 --> 00:57:49,399
My girls... Justine Marino, Tammy
1969
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:50,400
Pescatelli, Lynne Koplitz, Paula
1970
00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:51,400
Bel and Tiffany Haddish.
1971
00:57:51,401 --> 00:57:52,966
Thank you so much for watching.
1972
00:57:52,967 --> 00:57:55,332
Keep it dirty, yo. Peace.
1973
00:57:55,333 --> 00:57:56,432
Captioning sponsored by
1974
00:57:56,433 --> 00:57:58,399
LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
1975
00:57:58,400 --> 00:57:59,400
Captioned by
1976
00:57:59,400 --> 00:58:00,400
Media Access Group at WGBH
1977
00:58:00,401 --> 00:58:02,533
access.wgbh.org
122222
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