Original subtitles

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Okay, fellas,

welcome your next dancer to the

stage.

She's 876-530-FINE.

Let's hear it for Jenny.

♪ ♪

(squeaking)

♪ ♪

(clang)

(pop)

(beeping)

JENNY MCCARTHY: Ow! Fuck!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and

gentlemen, give it up for the

creator of Dirty Sexy Funny,

the woman that puts the word

"ho" into hosting...

Jenny...

McCarthy!

JENNY: Come on, this is my

first comedy special, yo.

I need to hear you fucking

scream!

(crowd cheering)

Thank you!

♪ ♪

Welcome to Dirty Sexy Funny.

I'm your host Jenny McCarthy.

(crowd cheering)

Thank you.

Let me get some camel toe going

for you.

Hold on.

You know, so many people have

come up to me and said, "Oh, my

God, Jenny, I can't believe

you're doing standup."

And I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm

totally fucking not."

I have, like, three knock-knock

jokes and that's about it.

But... I do love me some raw

dirty comedy.

Do you guys?

(crowd cheering)

Well, tonight I brought with me

the dirtiest, the sexiest,

funniest bitches I could find.

Literally, it took me, like, two

years to find these babes, and,

I promise you, they are all as

perverted and sick as I am.

(crowd cheering)

I mean, they can't push

Ping-Pong balls out of their

pussy like me.

All right, our funny lady coming

out right now studied theater,

film and television at the

University of Colorado at

Denver.

She took classes at the

Groundlings and at Upright

Citizens Brigade before she

realized, "Wow, that was a

complete fucking waste of time."

Give it up to Justine Marino!

♪ ♪

(crowd cheering)

♪ ♪

JUSTINE MARINO: Wow, what's

up?

Guys, Vegas.

How's it going? (groans)

Are you guys on a date?

Oh, you haven't talked about it

yet.

I love this.

It just got real awkward.

I'm usually like you... I never

know if I'm on a date.

I never know what to wear, which

is why I usually just throw on a

wedding dress and hope for the

best.

I'm single. I see... I feel like

you guys, some of you are

single.

You made a lot of noise in the

beginning there.

We do that in public as single

ladies.

Like, we make a lot of fucking

noise.

Like, we make everyone think

that we're very okay with being

alone in public.

We're like, "Yeah, fuck men.

I don't need no man.

I'm independent.

I listen to Beyoncé and shit."

On the inside, we are one Adele

song away from just losing our

shit, folks.

Just, like, emotional eating the

fuck out of some guacamole.

Or some Krispy Kreme.

Oh, my God. I should not be

allowed within 50 feet of a

Krispy Kreme for any reason.

Like, donuts should really be

called do-nots for me 'cause

when that... when that "Hot

Donuts" sign comes on, that's

like the Bat-Signal for me,

folks.

Like, I am in my car and there

lickety-split.

I was there last Friday night...

'cause I'm single... and, um...

I order four donuts and the

woman's like, "Are you sure you

don't want to make that a

dozen?"

And I'm just like, "From four?

Really?

Like, that's eight additional

donuts, ma'am.

That's literally triple my

order, number one.

Number two, you can see I'm

alone.

It's Friday night.

You hear the Celine Dion.

Bitch, don't kick me when I'm

down.

But I will take two more

crullers.

Fuck it. Give me the dozen.

Cathy, you know me.

Just box up the ushe.

The diet starts tomorrow."

That's what we do, us girls,

right?

We make up all these weird

caloric justifications in our

head.

Like, "Oh, yeah, I can eat this

entire sheet cake right now.

I'll just suck on ice cubes till

the end of time."

That or we work out like crazy

people.

I work out so intensely, I

recently had a guy come up to me

at the gym and ask me if I was

training for an event.

I was like, "Yeah, Cheesecake

Factory 2014."

I work out so intensely, I had

an injury recently.

I had to go to physical therapy.

And my physical therapist was

telling me about how I have this

misalignment in my hips and how

to properly get in and out of

bed to help fix the problem.

So she's like, "So, when you're

getting into your bed, just

scoot your significant other

over to the other side."

And I was like, "Whoa, whoa,

whoa, ma'am, um, how large do

you think my vibrator is?

I mean..."

Is anyone doing a booty call

later tonight?

Maybe that's what this situation

is here.

(crowd whooping)

(whoops) I love it. You guys...

See, Vegas is into it.

Most people are, like, afraid to

admit that.

Like, I'm down with a good booty

call.

I love that shit.

I love the bullshit leading up

to the booty call.

Right? Like, the "let's get

together and watch a movie at

4:00 in the morning."

I find that the music that one

plays during a booty call is

very indicative as to how it's

gonna go, you know?

Like, if the person turns on

Usher, this is gonna be some

sweet lovemaking.

It's gonna be very sensual and

hot.

But if they turn on Lil' Kim,

you're about to get straight

fucked, people.

Like, this is the Queen Bee.

She's not fucking around.

Even her clean lyrics are

filthy.

But if they turn on, like, Sade

or Coldplay or something of this

nature, you need to leave

immediately, all right?

This is not a booty call.

This person has an intense

emotional connection to you.

You need to peace the fuck out,

guys.

Get out of there.

I don't want to brag, but I-I

recently crushed a pregnancy

test.

Ladies, sweet...

(crowd cheering)

Yeah. Here are my whores over

here.

Over there, too.

There's nothing like that sweet

relief.

Like, fuck Xanax.

Next time I have a panic

attack, I'm just gonna piss on

some e.p.t.s, guys.

Like, I'll make it rain negative

reads all over my apartment.

My roommate will come home.

Like, "Um, why is there piss

everywhere?"

"Who cares? Not pregnant.

Let's go to Krispy Kreme.

Cathy's working."

I swear to God though, that shit

came up negative so fast,

like, I was almost insulted, you

know?

Like, as if to say, "Uh, bitch,

please.

You do not get pregnant by

yourself at the Cheesecake

Factory.

Go have some unprotected sex."

Which I would never do.

I'm so paranoid about getting

pregnant.

Like, the first time I had sex,

I was on birth control, we used

a condom and I still got a

morning-after pill the next day.

And then when I got home, I

threw myself down the stairs.

Just to be safe, guys.

Another good form of birth

control: hand jobs, ladies.

Anyone given these?

Raise the roof...

for your hand job.

Yeah, two hands. Watch out.

Double-fisting up front.

(clicks tongue)

I don't know how to approach a

hand job.

Personally, it's probably best

if I just give you a pat on the

back, you know?

'Cause that's probably gonna be

a more enjoyable situation for

both of us.

Like, my instinct, I want to

come up from behind the guy,

right?

You're just staring at me

blankly.

Like, "Is this bitch for real?"

Hear me out on this.

Like, that feels like the best

angle, you know?

But if I'm getting down with a

guy and it's getting hot and

heavy and I'm gonna go to give

him a hand job and I'm like,

"Now just turn around."

He'd be like, "What the fuck are

you doing?

Why are there donuts and

pregnancy tests all over?

This is very odd.

Lil' Kim is playing.

This is weird. Weird shit."

But this just doesn't seem

effective, guys, and this is

pretty much my hand job, right?

Like, it's not good.

It's at a 90-degree angle.

It looks like I'm cooking

something on a griddle.

Or perhaps playing a

noncompetitive game of foosball,

you know?

Like, not a lot at stake with

this hand job.

What do you even say during a

hand job this horrific, you

know?

Like, "How's your day?" Right?

"Was Todd at work today?

You love when Todd's there.

You guys have lunch together?"

Like, just very conversational

mundane shit.

That or do I have, like, a weird

stare-down with the guy?

Just like...

"I am not blinking till you

come, motherfucker.

We're gonna be here a long

time."

That or I'd love to one day get

super creative and do, like, the

opening bars from the film The

Lion King.

Just like...

(singing gibberish to the tune

(of "The Circle of Life")

Whatever the fuck they say.

What are they saying?

No one knows.

I feel like weird shit gets said

in the bedroom.

By far, my favorite: "I'm gonna

fuck the shit out of you."

"I'm sorry, what?

You're gonna fuck me to the

point of defecation?

I don't know that I'm okay with

this.

How 'bout a hand job, huh?"

(singing gibberish)

You guys have been a lot of fun.

Thank you so much.

(crowd cheering)

♪ ♪

JENNY: She's so cute.

Thanks, girl.

So spunky with all that energy.

Probably 'cause she doesn't

have any kids.

Do you guys have any kids out

there?

(crowd cheering)

And do you ever want to just

punch 'em in the face sometimes?

I know, I'm really kind of hard

on myself because I know... I've

accepted it... that I'm not a

very good role model for my son.

But I figured out a loophole.

I just lie to him.

Like this.

(knocking)

What?

BOY: What are you doing?

JENNY: Nothing!

BOY: I smell smoke.

JENNY: I don't!

BOY: I do!

Maybe the house is on fire.

BOY: Yeah, right.

(vibrator buzzing)

(knocking)

BOY: Hey, Mom, what are you

doing?

I need some chicken nuggets.

JENNY: Uh... I'm just, uh,

vacuuming... some, uh,

dirty stuff here.

BOY: But the vacuum is out

here.

JENNY: Um, just blowing.

It's a... it's a leaf blower.

BOY: Inside?

JENNY: No. (gasps)

I'm not all the way inside.

(sharp breathing)

BOY: Why is the door locked?

I don't believe you.

JENNY: Uh, I'm, uh, I'm...

I'll be out in a second, I'm

just blow-drying.

(whispers): Oh, just one more

minute.

(gasping)

BOY: Are you texting?

JENNY: What?

BOY: Are you texting?

JENNY: No.

BOY: Yes, you are.

JENNY: No, I'm not.

BOY: Yes, you are.

JENNY: I'm not on my phone.

BOY: Yes, you are.

JENNY: No, I'm not.

BOY: Who are you texting?!

You switched hands!

JENNY: I don't know what

you're talking about, I'm not

texting!

(car horns blaring)

(Jenny screams)

BOY: Wow, you're texting

still!

JENNY: No, I'm not.

(crowd cheering)

(phone chimes)

Hold on one second.

(phone chimes)

Okay, our next comedian defied

her agent's wishes when she

performed seven months pregnant.

They told her that they had

never seen a pregnant woman

on stage.

Apparently, they've never been

to a really bad strip club.

Please welcome the very classy

broad, Tammy Pescatelli.

♪ ♪

(crowd cheering)

TAMMY PESCATELLI: All these

women.

Dirty Sexy Funny.

It's like the Blue Collar tour

for whores.

(chuckles): It's...

Too tired to be a whore.

I am. I'm married now.

Only time I get fucked is on tax

day, so it's...

Ugh.

Women are tired.

Don't act like you're not.

You know you are.

Even when you try to pretend,

you're all like...

That's why Fifty Shades of Grey

was popular.

'Cause women are tired.

'Cause I didn't read that book,

but I know this: I know that the

main character ties the woman

up.

And while you're tied up, you

don't have to do the laundry,

the dishes, you don't have to go

anywhere.

You're like, "It's behind the

milk!

Move the milk!

I just fucking bought it on

Tuesday!"

That's beautiful acting,

isn't it?

Why doesn't anybody ever cast me

in shit, motherfuckers?

Every day, some... I'm tired.

I don't need Ecstasy, I need a

drug called Complacency.

Just, I don't know.

It's just, it's crazy, and I

know crazy, okay?

'Cause crazy's easy to tell.

Especially on women.

You can tell... I'm an

observationist.

That's what I do, I watch

people.

And then I talk about 'em at

night.

That's what I do.

20 years, all around the world,

and women are the same

everywhere.

I grew up with all boys, I'm in

a male-dominated industry, and

you can tell if a woman is crazy

in direct proportion to her

eyebrows.

The thinner the eyebrow, the

crazier the broad.

My mother-in-law shaves them off

and draws them back in, and

she's Planet Bananas.

Okay?

Some of you are sitting there

trying to figure out how thick

or thin your eyebrows are.

And your men are giving me

hostage signals.

'Cause they're afraid of you.

They're afraid.

That's why we have to have safe

words.

My husband said to me, "You

know, I think we should... we

should get a safe word."

(scoffs)

How about "Get the fuck off of

me"?

How about that?

All one word, with a hashtag in

front of it, how about that?

Is that good?

I married the hot kid from the

slow class.

I didn't know.

You don't know that shit till

you go to a class reunion, then

you're like, "You were potting

plants the whole motherfucking

time you were in school, weren't

you?"

Now, that's not to say that he's

stupid, he's not.

He has a lot of useless

information, which is what

marriage is.

That's what it is.

Look at you punching him,

'cause you know.

You want to know how I knew

that you guys were together

before I knew that that was your

man?

'Cause you dress him stupid.

Yep, I'm telling you how I knew.

When you were single, you didn't

have ugly Hawaiian shirts like

that, did you?

We dress you up stupid so no

other woman will look at you.

Be like, "He's cute, but I can't

fix all of this shit.

What is this?"

Yeah, you couldn't have marked

your territory better if you

peed on him.

Okay?

Now, I'm telling you, I have a

lot of respect for my husband.

Um, I made him respect me.

That's the truth.

I did, I taught him.

You have to... carry yourself

with class and dignity, and you

will be treated with class and

dignity.

I taught him how to respect me.

We were dating for about six

weeks, he was...

(woman laughs)

What are you, some crazy psycho

stalker, laughing at shit that

you don't...

Let me see your eyebrows, let me

see your eyebrows.

See, I know, that's some crazy

shit.

Want to know another crazy woman

thing?

You see a white woman over 40

with a flower in her hair, and

you're not in Hawaii,

crazy shit's about to go down.

Um, so...

Prepare yourself for a vortex of

chaos that you will never

fulfill.

(whispers): I don't know.

Six weeks we were dating.

He was an hour and a half late.

I'm not big... I don't care as

much, except that he didn't

call.

Right?

No text, no e-mail, nothing.

Finally calls, he said, "I was

stuck in traffic, and, uh, my

cell phone died."

I said, "Well, come over, but

could you stop by the pharmacy

and buy some condoms?"

And we hadn't even slept

together at that point, 'cause

I'm not a whore.

And, um...

I wish I would have been.

If I'd known I was gonna get

married and locked down, I'd

have been fucking everybody.

Um... that's what you get for

being a good Italian girl.

Nothing.

A lifetime of one dick for the

rest of your life.

(sighs)

That's why God won't give me a

daughter.

'Cause you have to lie to your

daughter.

You're like, "Don't worry about

what's on the outside, just be

pretty on the inside."

You know what "pretty on the

inside" will get you?

Fucked in the dark.

That is all that'll happen to

you.

"So, could you stop and buy some

condoms?"

So he was like, "What?"

I hung up the phone, I put on

sexy lingerie, I lit candles.

Music.

Put the chain unlocked.

He knocked on the door.

Opened up, I said, "Let me see

the condoms."

So I said, "Thanks, we need that

shit."

And I shut the door.

I was alone, but I figured he'd

get the therapy he needed.

He would stay.

And he stayed, and I love him.

And I'm not telling you that

marriage is always easy, it's

not.

It's a lot of useless

information, that's what it is.

Tells me all kinds of stuff at

the most inopportune times.

Woke up the other night...

Perfect example... I'm choking.

I'm like... (coughs)

He woke up and looked at me, he

goes, "What's wrong?"

(grunts)

"I'm choking."

He said, "Maybe you ate a

spider."

"The hell is wrong with you?"

Said, "I was watching the

Discovery Channel, and the

average person eats about eight

spiders a year in their sleep."

"You're an asshole.

All right? Really."

'Cause now I can't sleep,

'cause I don't know if

I'm on spider one or spider

eight.

I got to sleep with a nicotine

patch over my mouth.

I'm punching him in the dick,

'cause if I got to be awake,

he's got to be awake.

And I'm happy.

'Cause goals change.

Alls I ever wanted to be was

happy, now I just want to die

before my tits hit the floor.

Now I got my cousin, I got to

carry her, 'cause she's getting

a divorce, and...

she's running around.

For Halloween, she was

Miley Cyrus.

40 years old.

She dressed up as Miley.

Not cute sweet Hannah Montana.

You know, VMA in the teddy bear.

God bless that girl, she's so

talented, but she's really just

a dumb ill-advised hillbilly.

That's really all it is.

So, no one explained shit to

her, 'cause I'm quite sure her

stylist said to her, "You need

to do something really shocking.

You should come out in a teddy."

And then that bitch came out in

a stuffed animal.

'Cause she's just stupid.

And I say "hillbilly" in the

most respectful way.

'Cause I'm afraid of

hillbillies.

I'm not afraid to die.

A gang member will kill you,

but a hillbilly will keep you.

(chuckles)

(crowd cheering)

Like in a box underneath his

bed, and I am not playing the

fucking gimp game for the rest

of my damn life.

You better choke me the fuck

out, 'cause I will make you

miserable.

I did a charity show for the

Playboy Foundation.

I don't even know what their

charity was.

14-year-old boys who go blind

from reading a magazine, I don't

know.

They had a party at the old

dude's house afterwards, and...

I didn't want to go.

I wasn't even married, but my

brothers made me go for

research.

(laughs): 'Cause...

I was always the best wingman.

Those girls are beautiful.

But they're, like, size

double zero.

They're-they're mean, 'cause

they're hungry.

And...

One wanted to fight me for

something I had said ostage.

I don't even know, probably

something about whores.

I'm not sure.

And, uh...

I'm not gonna fight you.

There's no class in that.

Plus, I'm a girl from the

neighborhood and you're a double

zero.

If I swing at you and miss,

you'll die of pneumonia.

Okay?

Stupid.

Then I saw...

what, the icon, Hugh Hefner, you

know what I mean?

Beautiful man, nice man.

Gets these young broads to go

with him.

Have sex with him.

God bless him, but having sex

with Hugh Hefner would be like

banging a bucket of chicken.

It's all brittle and the bones

break and the skin is falling

off.

And you can't get the grease off

your fingers.

(laughs)

You want to be a gold digger,

there's your life.

You get education, you can fuck

who you want.

That should be the slogan for

the literacy campaign, but no

one calls me.

(crowd whooping)

So... (laughs)

I was there at that party, at

the Playboy Mansion.

I'm drunk, they had a trampoline

contest, and the story doesn't

end well.

Those girls drop-kicked me off

the trampoline and I went flying

on my butt down a hill, into a

pond.

A peacock went to attack me,

and... I thought I was

paralyzed.

But really I was just

drunk, stuck in the mud.

And you can talk about class and

self-respect and dignity all you

want.

But I couldn't walk for three

days after going to that party.

And when you can't walk for

three days after going to a

party at the Playboy Mansion...

nobody believes it has anything

to do with an unfortunate

trampoline accident.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Jenny.

(crowd cheering)

JENNY: So good!

I love you.

I love you so much.

How great are they so far?

(crowd cheering)

It only gets better.

I'm so happy she's married.

Kind of envious of all you

people that are married.

(whispers): Not really.

But, you know, I did have a

tough year, um, when I

experienced a little bit of

online dating.

Have you guys tried it?

No.

JENNY: I did one year of it,

and it was fucking awful.

Take a look.

Well, here's a good one.

"Kevin, 42.

Nice smile, good listener.

Looking for a girl to share life

experiences with."

Oh.

And he loves art.

KEVIN: Oh, people say I have

a nice smile.

I do art.

I'm an artist.

That's what I do.

JENNY: Ooh.

"European.

Loves mother and country."

He loves his mom.

Yes!

Oh! Oh!

I sing Trosback National Anthem

now.

JENNY: Cool.

♪ Polly kielbasa

Polish kielbasa

Polish Natasha

Polish Natasha. ♪

Dusk! Dusk! Dusk! Dusk! Dusk!

JENNY: Hmm.

"Natural health expo junky.

Believes Mother Earth heals."

Oh.

(coughing)

Respect.

JEN: "Vincent, 44.

Looking to fall in love with

the one.

Loves animals."

VINCENT: Have you ever

sacrificed a sheep?

What about a cow?

A chicken?

KEVIN: I was going to ask

if I could do a painting of you

right now.

JENNY: Okay.

KEVIN: Yeah? Okay.

Maybe you can just, uh, do a

pose for me?

Maybe you could just lay down a

little bit in the booth?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Okay.

What?

(Jamaican accent): You're a

pretty white gal.

What's your sign?

JENNY: You know you're white,

right?

Me not white, boy!

JENNY: Can I get the check?

KEVIN: I'm almost done.

Okay.

You sing with me!

JENNY: Okay.

No, put ass on table first.

I love you on The View.

I think you're fucking awesome.

JENNY: Thanks.

I think Whoopi is a little

tough on you.

KEVIN: All right, I'm gonna

draw me now.

You got big beautiful

bosoms!

♪ Polish kielbasa. ♪

Oh, you want to see my ass?

Yeah.

(crowd cheering)

(moans)

VINCENT: Oh, my God.

(crowd cheering)

You're on your period, aren't

you?

(Vincent moans)

KEVIN: It's more like how I

see myself.

Okay.

(crowd cheering)

JENNY: I invited every one of

those guys in the video here

tonight, and he's right there.

(crowd cheering)

Thank you, baby.

All right, I kind of have a girl

crush on our next comedian.

She's been headlining comedy

clubs across the country for

over 15 years.

When I first saw her, I was

bawling.

She is raw, she's a cougar.

She's also menopausal, so I'm

really glad I'm not sharing a

room with her.

Say hi to Lynne Koplitz, you

guys!

(crowd cheering)

LYNNE KOPLITZ: Hi.

Let me look at you.

How are we?

You in a good mood?

That's nice.

I feel a lot less aggressive

than normal.

I think it's because this dress

is acting as a compression

garment.

(laughter)

I...

I haven't been out of a sports

bra in over a year.

You know I love Jenny McCarthy.

I seriously haven't dressed up

in so long.

Nothing says "I'm done with

life" like a 40-something woman

in a sports bra.

Isn't that...?

I've never done sports.

It's not like I do sports.

I've never done sports.

Just, I like the look of one

low, defiant breast just daring

you to fuck with it.

Just, I dare you.

I was called a "MILF" the other

day.

(crowd cheering)

Kind of a compliment.

Moms I like to...

(mumbles)

You know what that is?

Moms I like to f...

It's a compliment if you're a

mother.

I'm not, so it was a tad

insulting.

I said to the kid, "I'm not a

mother, but thank you."

He was like, "You're still a

MILF."

Uh... no.

He was like, "Then you're a-a

ILF."

I'm like, "What are you,

special needs?

What the fuck is wrong with

you?"

I love young guys.

How old are you, sir?

Um, you know who I'm talking to.

43.

Yeah, too old for me.

'Cause, look, did you see how

he...?

Did anyone see it?

He just did this.

(scoffs)

Just a total, like, "Ugh.

This stripper's chatty."

Uh...

(laughs)

I know.

You don't want me, either.

I get it.

We both have opinions.

What do we need with each other?

We both have ideas.

Fuck it.

You have ideas that you've

actually thought out and put

into fruition.

That's annoying.

Look at this kid.

No ideas, no opinions.

I could blow either one of these

kids into changing their

religion.

One good ball tickle, a pinky in

the bum hole, this kid's

following jihad.

He's gonna be tougher.

He doesn't care.

The older guy... he doesn't care

about that.

Give him a chocolate éclair, and

put Castle on, he's happy.

I really do like young guys, but

Jenny's wrong.

I'm not a cougar anymore, 'cause

I don't hunt.

Not now.

Now I'm more of like...

Uh... can I sit in this?

I don't even know if it's gonna

happen.

There's a good chance we're

gonna have to take me out on the

stool.

Just be careful, people down in

front.

I might put your eye out if the

fucking belt pops out.

It's very apropos that we're in

Vegas, 'cause I'm starting to

sweat like fucking old Elvis.

Like the old fat Elvis right

before he died on the toilet.

That's where I am right at this

moment.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not a cougar who hunts.

No, I'm like a zoo cougar now.

I'm a zoogar.

I'm a lazy cougar that just sits

around his habitat... and enjoys

its fake rock.

Every now and then, one of those

26-year-olds accidentally falls

over the side.

"Wait. Excuse me.

No, help yourself.

I ain't running.

Bad hip.

I'll get the next one."

(laughs)

Let's see.

You already got a lot of comedy.

You're gonna get more comedy in

a minute.

I'm not about that anymore.

Surprise, Jen.

I just needed a platform to say

some things.

I'm more about information now.

Listen, young girls,

there's still hope.

Listen...

For you.

Here-Here's what I know.

I've spent a lot of time with

men.

I've studied these chimps like

Jane Goodall.

I'm a female comic and a bit of

a whore, so I know what I'm

talking about.

I'm not...

And... I shouldn't say "whore."

I'm...

When...

If you make it to 46 years old

without getting married and

having children, you'll

accidentally fuck a lot of

people.

It's just a fact.

There's nothing standing in the

way.

You'll just... you'll fuck them.

They'll be there, they'll know

that you fucked people.

They'll expect it, and you'll,

"Eh..."

Men are easy.

If I could teach you anything,

they're e...

Look at them with their balls

out.

This is not the posture of a

complicated person.

That's the posture of a

Labrador.

A big fucking dog that just

wants to sit in the sun and

think, "sun."

That's it.

(chuckles)

"My ears are heavy."

That's as complicated as it

gets.

So, when we put makeup on, when

you worry about... you're doing

that for yourself, not for men.

They don't care.

This guy would fuck you with

chips in your hair.

He doesn't care.

"That one comes with snacks.

I'm going for her."

Let's end on one more piece of

information.

Something that's been bothering

the fuck out of me.

This is true.

Sex etiquette.

Guys, listen to Auntie Lynne.

'Cause I'm an auntie.

An auntie cares about you.

A mother wants to sugarcoat

shit, you know?

Your mother has to raise you.

She has to try and make life

soft, so she tells you, like,

"Yes, childbirth is painful, but

it's worth it.

You forget."

And your auntie will say, "You

poop a little, just so you

know.

Just a little bit, it happens.

In front of a stranger.

You don't know the doctor.

Yes, you're with it, but is

your brother?

Think about it."

Now, listen to me.

Men, this noise...

(gagging)

Never a good noise.

In the history of noises... I've

been all over the fucking

globe... it never...

All over the world.

It's a universal bad gagging

noise.

It means I'm gonna vomit.

Anytime you hear...

(gagging)

Never does it mean we should

press the head down... it's

making this noise... and hold it.

If your cat was making that

noise, if...

(gagging, coughing)

Who...

Would anyone in here be, like,

"Yeah, oh, shove the cat's face

in the carpet.

Hold that face, and...

Oh, it's eating something?

Even better.

Tell it to eat it.

Tell it, eat the whole treat!

Eat the whole treat!

Take it.

You love it."

It's the rudest fucking thing.

The first time it happened to

me, I was in college, and I

remember, I made the noise

'cause women like to

communicate.

I was...

(gagging)

And I did.

A little polite.

Like, um, "There's a little

vomit happening here."

And what happens?

You feel the hand get tighter.

And I thought, "Oh, perhaps he

doesn't love me the way I think

did."

So now I start making a noise

like something from a fucking

jungle.

Like...

(loud gagging)

And it just gets tighter and

strong...

So fucking rude.

It's so rude and annoying to me.

Guys, I don't care what you

think.

You watch porn, it's fucked your

brains, and you think that it

means that you have a huge cock.

Let's say, in best case

scenario, that is what it means.

Why would you hold something

down that's being choked by your

enormous cock?

It's aggravating 'cause it's a

double standard.

If they were doing their

business on us, and they made

any kind of disparaging noise,

any kind of...

(quiet groan)

(laughs)

Well, that would be horrible if

they made that noise, but you

know what I mean.

Anything that suggested things

weren't quite as pleasant as

they could be, we would freak

out.

That's how women are.

We would stop everything.

"Oh, my God, what happened?

Am I not fresh?

Come up here.

I'm so sorry.

I-I went to...

showered right after the gym.

I'll make you a sandwich.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm

sorry."

No!

We all have to band together.

Here's what I say we do.

Anytime you hear the noise, any

kind of noise, I want you to

stop everything and just fucking

hol... just lock him in.

If you want, if you don't feel

like a lady, you can scream

something like, "I'm sorry.

You started this.

You have to finish."

And, fuck, just lock him in.

Hold him. He'll struggle.

Trust me, I've done it.

He'll struggle like a cat in a

fucking bag.

Hold him in.

"No, finish!"

When he comes up, just get out

of the way, 'cause he's gonna

come up spitting and twitching.

"You crazy bitch, you covered up

my nose holes!

You chipped a tooth!

You're a crazy bitch!"

Be a lady.

Look him right in the face.

"You know you loved it."

Good night. Thank you!

Jenny!

Mwah!

JENNY: Love you!

Lynne!

My next video has three words:

walk of shame.

(gasps)

(whispers): Fuck.

(sighs)

(dog growls)

Shh.

(whispers)

(barking)

DRIVER: Hello.

JENNY: Oh, God. Hi.

DRIVER: Where are we going

to?

JENNY: Two fours... (mumbles)

Regency?

DRIVER: What?

JENNY: Fort... Forty-s...

44... Second and Regency?

Just go. Just drive, just drive.

DRIVER: All right.

JENNY: Just, you know, sh...

DRIVER: You want to call

someone coming out of this?

(groans)

Give me an exact address, ma'am.

JENNY: Can you stop for a

second?

DRIVER: Right here?

JENNY: Just right here.

Just stop for a second.

(retching)

Go! Go, go!

Go, go, go!

(groaning)

DRIVER: Oh, God.

JENNY: Okay, stop.

DRIVER: Where?

JENNY: I live... No, I don't

live there.

Keep going.

Okay, make a right.

DRIVER: A right?

JENNY: Uh-huh.

DRIVER: Ma'am, it's a dead

end.

Ma'am, so what are you talking

about?

JENNY: Are we there yet?

DRIVER: Where?

So, we're taking a right? Left?

We're going where, ma'am?

JENNY: Just take me anywhere.

Fuck.

Oh, come on.

Who hasn't fucked a taxi driver

before?

My pussy tasted like curry for a

month.

Smell it still?

Our next comic is based out of

Los Angeles.

She's here performing for the

first time standing up.

Give it up for Paula Bel.

(crowd cheering)

PAULA BEL: Oh, my God, look

at this.

Only in Vegas, men with women.

Who started this new trend?

I heard some old women, "Oh, my

God, we're gonna go see Thunder

Road" or whatever the fuck.

I'm like, "Really?

A bunch of gay guys dancing?

I could stay in West Hollywood

for that shit."

My apartment building's infested

with gay men.

They're like cockroaches.

They multiply like roaches.

Two go in, three come out.

What the fuck is that?

Where'd the little one come

from?

Whose ass did he just fly out

of?

How high am I?

I don't hate gay people.

I just don't like gay men.

They're always happy.

You ever see a sad one?

One sad gay dude in the back of

the bar crying in his Heineken

over some bad dick.

You ever see it?!

You never will.

They're always singing and

dancing.

Why are they so happy?

I fuck men.

Do I look happy tonight?

Where's that dick that's so off

the chain I'm gonna join a

parade?

Fuck yeah.

That was incredible.

Stick it right up my ass.

You fucking young chicks kill

me.

You know what's so funny about

you?

In 20 years, you're me.

(laughs)

Drink up, sluts!

Fuck.

I sit in my apartment all day.

I just hide.

I watch television.

You men, you have it all.

In my next life, I just want to

be a man.

I swear.

I just want to sit around and

scratch my ball sack and watch

sports.

You guys have everything.

All of Vegas, all of this is

entertainment for you... the

girls, the fucking gambling.

We have nothing.

I have to watch sports because

there's nothing for women to

watch.

So now I watch golf, golf, golf.

That's what I'm into.

Tiger Woods.

They should be applauding Tiger

Woods, what he did for that

sport.

Who in this room, before Tiger

Woods, ever even thought golfers

fucked?

You get older, you're just done.

I'm just tired.

Everybody, "What do you do all

day?

What'd you do in your hotel

room?

We didn't see you."

You don't see me because I'm

inside my fucking hotel room

plucking my chin hair so I don't

look like Nick fucking Nolte

tonight!

Only when you get older, you

realize how rude people are.

Strangers.

I was standing outside and this

crackhead came out of nowhere.

I have my regular face on.

And she says, "Smile!

Smile!"

And I go, "Why? So you can

remember what a full set of

teeth look like?

Get the fuck out of here!"

It's too much, getting old.

God, everybody's so rude.

"Oh, my God, look how big your

text is on your iPhone.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you just get glasses?"

"Why don't you shut the fuck up?

Maybe that's nature telling me

I've seen enough shit!"

God, I'm glad I'm in such a good

mood tonight.

Usually I'm a real bitch.

(sighs) I don't belong in Vegas.

This fucking town.

It's all for young people.

You young girls, you're always

getting fucked up.

You don't know how to handle it.

You can't drink.

You don't know how to control

your liquor.

I see 'em out there, and they're

just barfing at the end of the

night on the Strip.

(retching)

"Oh, my God. (retches)

Oh, my God, Rebecca, help me."

You're a disgrace to true

alcoholics.

(crowd whooping)

Learn how to drink.

I'm sick of your little tales of

woe on the news.

"Oh, my God.

I don't know what happened.

We were in Vegas.

Everything was going great.

And then some guys showed up and

they had dicks.

I don't know.

Somebody tried to rape me."

Always crying rape, you young

girls.

Shut up!

Start liking it.

You mean to tell me some strange

man, at my age, is gonna run up

behind me, fuck me and take off

laughing?

That's my dream date.

Are there any rapists here

tonight?

Wait out in the lobby.

I'll walk real slow.

God.

I should've been a

schoolteacher.

I'd be getting laid left and

right right now.

You know it's true.

They're running amok.

There's a reason why, too.

God, when I went to school, boys

were, like, pin-chested,

pimple-faced geeks.

Nobody wanted to fuck them.

Now, because of all the hormones

in the milk and the cheese,

they're huge.

I live across the street from a

school.

I watch those sixth graders

working out.

They're like convicts.

Out there cracking their necks

in the sun.

They look delicious.

You couldn't put me, at my age,

in front of a classroom full of

young, hot, hard-bodied boys

raising their dumb hands.

I'd fuck the shit out of your

kids.

That's what you get for leaving

'em here for eight hours.

There's only 26 letters in the

alphabet.

How long was that supposed to

fucking take?

I'd be a hooker, but they walk.

God, out there in West Hollywood

on Sunset, those hookers out

there.

There was one in front of my

house for years.

She had a broken shoe.

She's just pissed off at the

world.

I almost hit her with the car.

I said, "Sit down!

You are selling ass, not Avon.

What are you, a Jehovah

Witness whore?

Sit down."

God, I'd sell my ass, but I

wouldn't walk anywhere.

Somebody get me a beach chair or

a stool.

Bring me a Coke!

I'm sucking cock out here!

It's 100 degrees.

I have a pimp chasing me.

I'm parched.

(coughs)

I need a soda.

You ever suck a dick, little

boy?

It is not for the weak or the

timid.

(crowd cheering)

I'd make so much money.

There's always traffic.

God, if I was young.

If I looked like you girls, with

your tits out and your pussies

just fucking waving in the wind,

I'd just be out there selling

it.

I'd get a little Razor scooter

and just be like...

Ding, ding. "Pussy!

Let's go."

Thanks for having me.

Good night.

JENNY: Give it up for Paula

Bel!

(crowd cheering)

My next video, I kind of answer

the question, "What do women

really think about during sex?"

What do you think that is, big

guy?

MAN: Me, of course.

JENNY (fake laugh): Oh,

that's so funny.

I don't think so.

Check this out.

You like that?

JENNY: Oh, I love it.

You want it harder?

JENNY: Yeah.

Yeah?

(panting)

JENNY: I wonder who invented

the ceiling fan.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

(phone chimes)

Crap. I missed my hair

appointment.

(man moaning)

Ooh, this is a tough one.

"Who is the big red dog?"

Okay, I have chicken.

I need to pick up some oranges

and breadcrumbs.

Oh, and some onions.

I always forget about the

onions.

And chicken's gonna take about

three hours to de-thaw, so I

have to pull it out of the

freezer.

I wish he would hurry up.

God, I wish he would just come

already.

Just come.

Just fucking come.

Ugh! I can't stand this.

Fuck, fuck, come, come!

Just come already!

Come, come, come, come, come,

come, come, come.

(crowd cheering)

My mom actually said she really

connected to that video montage

the most.

Gross.

All right, this is it, you guys.

How are we doing so far?

(crowd cheering)

Right?

This woman is the epitome of

Dirty Sexy Funny.

She is a former troubled teen

from South Central Los Angeles.

Hide your purses and give it up

for Tiffany Haddish.

♪ ♪

(crowd cheering)

(crowd cheering)

TIFFANY HADDISH: Planet

DJ Laptop.

Give it up for DJ Laptop in the

building.

(crowd cheering)

He playing all the hits on his

laptop.

I want to let y'all know right

now I've been looking around the

room.

I see that it's not anybody in

here that look like me, and

that's okay.

It's okay, because I'm white.

I want y'all to know that.

I had to renew my driver's

license last year, and I did.

I put "Caucasian" on there.

My credit score went up by 300

points.

I slept with 86 white men.

My boyfriend didn't leave me.

It's... it's good being a white

woman.

I know a lot of you women in

here a looking at me like,

"This bitch is too

motherfucking cute.

My man wants to fuck her."

He does.

But I won't.

I won't take your man.

I won't take your man.

Unless he's on a respirator.

That's my style.

I like 'em old and barely able

to breathe, 'cause I'm trying to

get an inheritance.

I need benefits, bitch.

This Indian hair ain't cheap.

I'm walking around here smelling

like curry.

Every time, I hear music, I just

start, like...

(singing)

I look like Slumdog Millionaire

when I start dancing.

Just...

It's hard being me.

It's not easy being me!

Constantly sucking in my uterus.

'Cause I'm ovulating.

I'm horny as hell.

Who wants some?

I smell good credit all up in

this motherfucker.

I see you, glasses.

I see you.

Look like a fucked-up Clark

Kent.

I'm with it.

But I'm feeling good tonight.

I'm feeling fantastic.

My baby toe is dead in these

five-dollar shoes.

I feel sexy.

Laes, you know what I'm

talking about.

You know when you get your

little cute cheap shoes.

You're like, "These are the

shoes right here.

I'm getting pregnant tonight in

these.

Somebody gonna marry me tonight.

They gonna buy the house."

My grandma taught me that this

was a house.

I'll never forget it.

It was my 18th birthday.

I wish she would have told me on

my 16th birthday, 'cause at

that point, I had been renting

out the property already.

And she pulled me to the side,

and she said...

"Look here, baby girl.

Now that you've become a woman,

I want you to think of yourself

as a house.

And there's one thing you got to

remember, baby.

Every man wants to come inside

your house, but you can't be

having all kind of men going in

and out your house all the time,

'cause that'll bring your

property value low.

Mess around and be known as the

crack house, and you don't want

to be the crack house.

So, you want to keep the grass

cut and keep it clean.

'Cause you don't want people

walking by, thinking you got an

abandoned house.

And you don't want to go out

late at night getting drunk and

stuff, 'cause somebody will

break into your house, baby,

right through the back door.

They'll break in right through

the back.

And that'll have you walking

messed up the next day, talking

to the police."

And she said, "Once you find a

man that loves you and cares

about you, he'll go ahead and

he'll sign that paperwork.

He'll put a ring on your finger,

and he will buy that house."

And I just want to know by a

round of applause, how many

ladies in here tonight got them

a husband, AKA homeowner, a

man that loves you, take care of

you?

Make some noise if you got you a

husband, girl!

(crowd cheering)

That's it?

So the rest of you heifers in

here renting to own?

Just Section-Eighting the

property out?

Small Latin family of 15 living

in there, trying to make ends

meet?

Some of the men in here don't

like this joke, 'cause they own

multiple properties, and they're

having a hard time maintaining

'em, and they don't want you to

know about that shit.

"Got a condo in South Central,

bitch, and you live in Utah."

Ooh, my baby toe is dead.

I just want to do the rest of

the show on the side of my feet.

Just fuck it, just...

(crowd cheering)

Ladies, you know what I'm

talking about.

You get the cute shoes, you go

in the club.

You're like, "This is it right

here.

I'm gonna kill 'em in the club

tonight."

You walk in the club like a

motherfucking unicorn.

Like you're the baddest bitch in

the universe.

You just... (sputters)

(crowd cheering)

"I'm the last black unicorn,

bitch.

(sputters)

Look at my shoes!

Look at my shoes!"

(sputters)

You be at the watering hole, the

bar, just, like...

(sputters)

"I think my big toe just fell

off.

Just stay at the bar.

Somebody's gonna buy another

drink to numb that.

(sputters)

(giggling)

Stick your ass out more.

Stick your ass out."

You try to go to the club, look

sexy.

Wear your little skinny jeans.

I fucking hate skinny jeans.

I love 'em, and I hate 'em.

I love 'em 'cause they hold

everything in and lift your ass

up and make you look fucking

fantastic, but I hate 'em 'cause

they fucking...

Ladies, you ever took your

skinny jeans off, and it still

look like you got jeans on?

And your dude be like, "Take

off your pants."

You're like, "I did take off my

pants."

He like, "Well, what's up with

the pockets in the back?"

You're like, "Motherfucker,

that is ass, stupid.

It's supposed to have ripples

and dents in it and shit, dummy.

That's what make the sound

effects."

And men love them sound effects.

Don't they?

Y'all love that... them sound

effects...

(popping, slurping noises)

I can't really do 'em with my

mouth, but my ass does it great.

My ass...

(popping, slurping noises)

Ladies, remember the first time

you was doing it doggy style?

Some of y'all got to think way,

way back, but think about it.

The first time you was doing it

doggy style, and the dude

hitting it from the back, and

you enjoying it.

You're like, "Ooh, this is

nice.

Ooh, I like this.

I'm gonna do it like this all

the time.

I don't have to look at him or

nothing.

This...

Ooh, what did he just do...?

Oh, don't look at him.

Don't look at him.

You're gonna fuck it up.

Right now, he's Antonio

Banderas.

You look back, that motherfucker

Pee Wee Herman.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit."

It start getting real good.

You be like, "Oh, shit.

Oh, shit."

You start arching your back and

shit.

He be pushing it down.

You be arching it.

He be pushing it.

You be... (grunting)

And the next thing you know, you

hear...

(pop)

(farting)

(panting)

(farting)

(laughing)

(farting)

And the first time that happened

to you, you don't know what to

do.

You don't know whether to get up

and fucking run, laugh, cry,

scream.

You don't know what to fucking

do.

The first time it happened to

me, I just buried my face in the

pillow like an ostrich, and I

threw my ass back real fast,

like he turned a nitro on that

motherfucker.

This was fast and furious ass.

And I just started to pray.

"Lord Jesus, please don't let

him realize the sound that just

came out of my ass and/or

vagina, Lord.

Ooh, Lord, just please make sure

it don't have no smell!

Jesu...

(sniffing)

Okay, I'm good in there.

I'm good.

Thank you, Lord.

You give blessings every day,

Jesus."

That's real.

(crowd cheering)

It's real.

None of your girlfriends that's

having sex before you... they

don't tell you.

They don't be like, "Girl, I

was doing it to Ted yesterday,

and he had my pussy beatboxing,

bitch.

He had my shit, like..."

(beatboxing)

(moaning): Ah.

(beatboxing)

(moaning): Ooh, ooh, ooh.

(beatboxing)

That's some good motherfucking

sex right there.

(crowd cheering)

Any questions?

Look, I had a good time with you

guys.

Y'all stay fantastic.

JENNY: Tiffany!

Love you, girl.

Let's hear it for all my lovely

bitches.

Get back up here, girls.

Let's hear it for 'em, you guys.

(crowd cheering)

Thank you so much for coming out

tonight.

My girls... Justine Marino, Tammy

Pescatelli, Lynne Koplitz, Paula

Bel and Tiffany Haddish.

Thank you so much for watching.

Keep it dirty, yo. Peace.

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