Original subtitles

[jaunty brass music]

Midships.

Think. That's all that's required of a man.

Let him think and there are no fiascos.

Steady on 1-4-0.

The Admiral speaking.

What's wrong with the damn thing?

The Admiral speaking.

[blows]

The Admiral speaking. [blows]

Confounded thing doesn't work.

Perfect example of inefficiency.

Somebody wasn't thinking.

Get an electrician, get a radio man, get somebody.

Beg your pardon, sir.

It isn't switched on.

[voice distorts]

The Navy needs men like you.

In fact, we should find a wider field for your talents.

Ashore.

[mournful brass]

[triumphant music]

Now, this is the value of war games.

I ask you gentlemen to note the beauty of this manoeuvre.

Hampshire will be in position by 0600,

to launch guided missiles at the enemy carriers.

Well, something worrying you?

Er, beg your pardon, sir,

but wasn't the Hampshire judged sunk in yesterday's manoeuvres?

What?

Wasn't the Hampshire judged sunk in...

Oh, yes. Yes, I heard you, yes.

Quite so.

Clever of you to remember. [chuckles]

Claxton, have this officer commended.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And transferred.

[mournful jazz]

Now, Commander, according to your service record,

you've done a splendid job.

Splendid.

But for some reason there seems to be a certain lack of continuity.

For instance, you've held 12 appointments in the last 18 months.

That does seem a bit much. [chuckles]

However, this may not be your fault

and psychology may help.

Now, the Admiralty feels that they want a scientific analysis

of the aptitudes of our better men.

You see, it's a question of getting the right man

in the right job...

at the right time.

Now, in order to facilitate this,

we of the psychology department

have designed certain aptitude tests.

For example, this one here.

Now, it's quite simple, Commander.

The idea is to turn the input table cog,

that's the white one with the letters on it,

through a series of relays

to turn the end product cog,

that's the yellow one with the numbers on it,

that will generate electricity and light the little lamp.

I'll just do it once.

It's quite simple really.

And you've got a whole 15 seconds to beat the clock...

Erm, to do the test.

There we are.

And the blue one... on the end.

[straining]

Mustn't use force because it... it shows aggressiveness.

[straining and scrabbling]

These things stiffen up, you know, after time.

Tricky, this one but... Ah, there we are.

It should work.

Er, may I suggest...

[giggles] I say!

I say, you did that very well indeed. Are you very good at this sort of thing?

Well, in that case, I've got a whole draw load.

I think you all know Lieutenant Commander Badger.

He's probably better known as the Artful Bodger.

He's just be assigned to the new class at Dartmouth.

Oh, jolly good. Well done.

Thank you, Headmaster.

I remember the last time we met.

- We... - In a moment, gentlemen,

we shall be interviewing young men

who want to become officers in Her Majesty's Navy.

I hope, gentlemen, I find you all ready and refreshed

for another battle with the products of our present day and age?

I don't know what the schools do to them.

Can't be that the stock has changed.

Must be the environment.

By the time we get to them,

takes us five whole years to make them any damn use to man or beast.

Remember, we are not looking for normal boys.

We are looking for boys who will make naval officers

and there's a difference.

We want halfwits.

The service will add the other half in its own way and in its own time.

- Er, any questions? - [all] No, sir.

None of these boys will be very intelligent.

If they had any intelligence, they wouldn't be here,

they'd be applying for jobs outside where they get better pay and less work.

However, lack of intelligence need not concern us.

An intelligent man never makes a good naval officer.

He embarrasses everybody.

Well, we'll give them half an hour each.

[buzzer]

- Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

- Maconnick is the name, isn't it? - Yes, sir.

Why do you want to join the Royal Navy?

Well, it's not really me who's all that keen, sir.

I thought it was you, actually.

They told me you were short of recruits.

Sort of like the Salvation Army.

[coughs]

You understand, Carson,

that today a good naval officer is a highly educated specialist?

For instance, the operation of a warship is a complex scientific discipline

requiring mastery of mathematics, meteorology, cybernetics,

and a dozen other skills.

Do you think you could acquire the necessary knowledge?

Well, sir, I had a distinction in Maths at Higher Level,

won the Trident Award for original experiments in electronics,

and was licensed to operate technical equipment

including radar, sonar, and so forth.

Very good.

Now, take a look at that picture on the wall.

What would you say about that sloop?

I'd say it was a ketch, sir.

Yes, of course.

I just wanted to see if you knew.

Go on.

Well, it's coming out on the evening ebb tide.

Two men on deck,

which means probably two girls below cooking supper, sir.

The harbour is on the south coast.

From the shape of the hills and the red soil,

Devon or possibly Dorset.

Racing pennant, dinghy lashed on deck,

spinnaker boom lying up for'ard.

Thank you, Sherlock Holmes.

You've an excellent record.

I'm glad you think the Navy's the best place to utilise your talents.

Well, I'm not really sure it is, sir.

But I'm willing to give it a try.

Well, sir, it was either join the Navy or become a parson.

Thank you.

That's all.

[buzzer]

I assume we're agreed

we've not reached the point of desperation where we accept that one.

Get worse every year.

We need men who are in top physical trim.

An athlete has the necessary speed and co-ordination

to act efficiently in an emergency.

Oh, yes. Yes, I know that, sir.

Well, I was captain of my school rugger 15,

opening bat for the cricket 11,

ran anchor for the relay team and was the light-middleweight boxing champion.

And you feel your physical qualifications

could be best used in the service of your country?

I hadn't thought about that.

I just like to fight. [Chuckles]

From a psychiatric point of view,

the urge to fight frequently represents

unresolved infantile conflicts and hostility.

I say, that's jolly well spoken.

And if it wasn't for those unresolved conflicts and infantile hostility,

there wouldn't be any need for a navy, would there, eh?

Tell me, Robinson,

what irritates you more than anything else?

Being asked a whole lot of damn silly questions, sir.

And why do you want to join the Royal Navy?

To tell the truth, sir, joining the Navy wasn't my idea at all.

I tried to get out of it but my father's very forceful.

Strong personality and all that.

I see by your papers

that your father is George Dewberry MP.

"Sink the Navy" Dewberry?

Would you mind telling me why the Member of Parliament

who talks longest and loudest in the House about the uselessness of the Navy

wants his son to join?

I wondered about that too, sir.

The nearest I can come to an answer

is that the old man thinks I'm useless, too.

Do you suppose he's trying to get back at both of us?

[mournful jazz]

[station announcer] The Torbay Express will leave at 12:30 from platform one,

calling at Reading, Westbury,

Taunton, Exeter, Newton Abbott,

Torquay, Paignton, Churston, and Kingswear.

Yes, well, since the Navy has been providing idiots

with food and shelter for hundreds of years,

I don't suppose even you will have any marked effect upon it.

Oh, thank you.

You'll look marvellous in a uniform, darling.

Yes, I will, won't I?

Gold braid makes a man look so distinguished, I always say.

Oh, really, Cynthia, really.

If you don't mind, do excuse me, dear, I'll just get something to read at the bookstore.

- Oh, I'll put my stuff on the train. - Alright, darling. Come back.

[car horn blares, brakes screech]

[romantic music]

[clears throat]

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Don't forget, avoid drafts, strong drink and Army officers.

[she laughs]

Good morning, Lieutenant Commander. Er, sir.

Ah, Cadet Dewberry.

Do you consider your behaviour, sir, upholds the best traditions of the Navy?

Well, hardly the best.

After all, one is a bit handicapped in a taxi.

Goodbye.

[jaunty brass music]

Who was that?

[military fife and drums music]

[instructor] Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!

[shouting commands]

Squad, halt!

Right... turn!

Squad, halt!

[instructor] Look up, stand still, get your chests out,

bring your shoulders back!

Head back!

Stand at ease!

[serene music]

Hello, hello.

Hey, catch!

Steady on!

I've gathered you all together on your first evening

to give you some idea of what we intend to do with you at Dartmouth.

We expect you to become officers

in a service of which we are all very proud.

You will learn how to be leaders,

to make decisions, to take responsibility.

Now all this, I know, may sound rather forbidding,

but remember this, if you're always sincere,

always do your best according to your lights,

mean what you say and stick to it whatever the consequences,

then there'll always be somebody

to put in a good word for you at your court martial.

[laughter]

Squad, slope arms!

Squad, slope arms!

[men shouting drill commands]

Left, right, left, right! Right, turn!

Left, right, left, right, left!

[men shouting drill commands]

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left!

- By the right! - By the right!

[men shouting drill commands]

[drill instructor] Get out, you horrible creatures!

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left!

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

Having released the fore and aft pins,

it now only remains to remove the centre pin and release the slip.

Now, carry on, Carson, remove the centre pin.

You seem to be paying close attention, Mr Bowles.

I'm sure you can release the boat.

Certainly, sir.

- [boat crashes] - Ow!

Oh!

Any of you that think you know how to dance already can forget it.

Won't do any of you any harm to learn how to do it proper!

And I'm here to see that you do.

Now then.

You grasp your partner firmly and mold to each other.

You treat the bird in your arms with the greatest respect.

And we'll have it dead graceful.

And off we go.

See that? Nicely moulded to me partner. See that?

Now watch it for the contra body movement. There we are.

Left foot forward, right shoulder forward, got it?

And we will not have any of this lark.

It's distasteful.

Right. Now then.

You lot, you can be the men.

And you lot, you be the crump... er, the ladies.

Now then, class, 'shun!

Inward face!

Ladies, three paces forward. March!

Bowles.

You don't have to prove it.

Right, take your positions.

Right, let her fly.

[jazzy waltz plays]

Do you come here often?

Shut up!

Get moulded.

Dewberry, where's your lady friend?

She's gone to the boys' room to powder her nose.

Go and get her.

- Next man, keep it going. - Come on!

- Over you go! - Come on, speed it up.

Speed it up, come along!

Speed it up! Speed it up!

You idiot!

Oh, come on, keep going.

Come on, keep going.

Break it up there, break it up!

Now, you've been here long enough, Bowles,

to know that the Navy isn't designed for fighting.

It's an organisation for filling in reams of paper in triplicate.

Now, just between ourselves,

I can understand how civilians might get the impression

that the Navy's job is to fight.

They probably read about it in the daily newspapers.

We, however, know differently, don't we?

We know that we must never believe anything we read about the Navy.

Particularly if it's founded on logic, right?

- Yes, sir. - Good.

Left, right! Left, right!

Left, right! Left!

[men shouting drill commands]

Right... turn!

Left, right! Left, right!

Left, right! Left!

As Churchill said,

the Navy runs on three things.

Rum, bum and baccy.

[laughter]

Remember that and you'll all be Admirals.

Provided, of course, you know your signals.

Now, say one of you was Officer of the Watch,

and your ship was out of control,

what signal would you hoist?

Dewberry?

Disaster?

If you was Officer of the Watch, it would be disaster.

[laughter]

When a ship is out of control,

rudder off, steering gear broke down,

you hoist two black balls,

and only then.

[Carson] It's not the only time.

Are you gonna believe what you know or what I tell you?

Well, if you were refuelling at sea,

you could be considered out of control to a certain extent.

So you would hoist that signal.

Maybe you would. I wouldn't!

I'm sorry, Carson, but there are limits to being an eager beaver.

- Do you know what rank is? - Well, yes, sir.

It's a grade in the service achieved by a man

as a result of knowledge and experience, sir.

My, my. You're young, Mr Carson, you're very young.

Rank is the authority to be right when you're wrong.

Now, the same rule applies not only here

but in the Army, business, politics, everywhere.

The Navy puts gold braid on a sleeve

to confer upon an officer the right to make a fool of himself

without being tripped up by his juniors.

The road to promotion is littered with bright young men,

all cast aside because they failed to keep their mouths shut.

Hmm!

[mournful jazz music]

[upbeat jazz music]

[instructor] Very nice, Bowles. Keep at it!

[instructor] You're better, Carson. Where the devil's Dewberry?

[romantic music]

So what's your class doing now then?

Well, as a matter of fact, we're on our initiative test.

Oh, what's that?

Well, actually it's a question of reaching our objective

despite any obstacles that might be put in the way.

- [instructor] Cadet Dewberry! - Sir!

This is an initiative test, not an assault course!

Cadet Dewberry,

the exercise of logic in the Royal Navy can often lead to disaster.

Now here's an example.

If I draw the normal conclusions,

we are faced with certain disciplinary problems

on the eve of your completing your course.

If however, we throw logic to the winds,

I can assume that you were out on your initiative test,

lost your way in the bushes, stumbled across a strange girl, who was also lost,

and consoled her.

- Try not to get lost in the future. - Yes, sir.

Alright, carry on.

[military band music]

Present...

arms!

By the right, quick march!

[military band music]

Come on, I'll show you our quarters and classrooms and things.

Lovely.

- Well, very nice to have met you, sir. - See you later.

Yes, well, you seem to have normal intelligence.

What are you doing in this state home for backward belligerents?

Look at it.

Well, I had some doubts at first, sir, but not any more.

Well, Dartmouth is great, especially our Lieutenant Commander.

You really do learn a lot, sir.

What, in the Navy? Fools teaching fools.

An intelligent man wouldn't have anything to do with it.

Lieutenant Commander Badger says the Navy doesn't want intelligent men.

Huh?

Oh...

Tell me now, this... this Lieutenant Commander,

- he's in charge of your instruction, is he? - Yes, that's right, sir.

Seems to have very original views about the Navy.

He's full of ideas, sir, about Navy discipline.

Drinking and WRENS, anything you want to know.

He's great.

Ah, I'm interested.

Tell me what he says about these things

and anything else that you can remember that he's taught you.

Well, he's a fantastic bloke, sir.

He says the Navy's run by idiots.

Good heavens, sounds most enlightening.

He says the Navy's old fashioned, sir.

No! This gets better and better.

I can't believe it. Tell me...

Do you mind telling me a little more about what he's been teaching you.

- Well, last week, sir... - [both chattering]

[fanfare]

[George Dewberry] This brainless monster we call the Navy

stands accused out of its own mouth.

I will quote you the words of a man who knows.

A man who presumes to train others to follow in his own footsteps.

I'm speaking of a senior instructor, at this very moment

subverting British youth at the Royal Naval College at Dartmouth.

I don't accuse him as an individual.

He is one of many, all perpetuating the idiocy

of an anachronistic service.

I have here the statements

of one Lieutenant Commander Robert Badger.

Or better known as the "Artful Bodger".

[mournful jazz]

Idiots? Halfwits?

You looked through every fleet order?

A man can't be shot for insubordination?

Not in peacetime, sir.

This isn't peacetime.

That man declared war on the Navy.

How could you say such things to a class of impressionable young fools?

Well, I wasn't speaking for publication, sir.

After all, one way to ease youngsters through the bib and tucker stage

is to trust 'em, tell them the truth, good or bad.

My job was to train cadets to be first-class officers.

I think these cadets will be.

Oh, I realise they've still got a lot to learn

about tact and diplomacy, but time will take care of that.

I feel this is hardly pertinent.

The Admiralty isn't interested in the personalities involved,

the important thing is to save the First Lord embarrassment.

The important thing is how soon can we convene a court martial!

Have you thought about the newspapers?

Thought of them?

Since he opened his mouth, I approach them only with long-handled tongs!

I may do my future reading in an asbestos suit.

You may need it.

The press are going to make some sizzling comments if the Bodger is charged.

If?!

After what he's done to the Navy?

I can see the headlines now.

"Court martial or inquisition?

Is the Navy making an honest man a scape goat?"

The First Lord certainly wouldn't care to stir up the press any more.

I think we can agree that Lieutenant Commander Badger

must be removed from Dartmouth.

There can't be any further question of his subverting cadets.

- Good afternoon, gentlemen. - Good afternoon.

[Admiral Filmer groans]

Get rid of him!

Post him somewhere.

Anywhere.

Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Where, sir?

As far from me as possible.

Preferably where there's a chance of him committing a hanging offence.

[slow jazz]

I'm afraid I made a bit of a botch of things this time, sir.

I wouldn't say you've given your career a leg up.

If only we could think of an appointment where you could be hidden away

and stay out of trouble.

And out of sight of Admiral Filmer's jaundiced eye.

Couldn't I be a naval attaché somewhere, sir?

America?

America?

That rings a bell.

- Bodger, you're a genius! - Why, sir?

What would you say to a job with the American 5th Fleet?

- That's in the Mediterranean. - Near France.

The American Admiral's asking for British officers for liaison duties.

Well, that sounds pretty terrific to me.

I think I can fix that.

Admiral Filmer will do anything I suggest.

His office deal with all appointments.

Well, there's just one thing though, sir.

I would appreciate your keeping an eye on Carson, Bowles and Dewberry.

I think with a bit more time and training they'll make good officers.

If those three had been with Nelson at Trafalgar,

- England would be a French colony today. - [chuckles]

I think you're well rid of them.

It's about time they learned to stand on their own feet.

They've been round my neck long enough.

They're due to leave for their sea time as midshipmen soon.

I'll ask Admiral Filmer to draft them to a commanding officer

who'll really give them some discipline.

Good luck to him, whoever he is.

He has my sympathy.

[triumphant brass music]

[jaunty music]

Well, for better or for worse,

we're all still in the Navy.

American this time,

and if you've ever been on your best behaviour, now's the time.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Carson, pull yourself together, man.

- You're still on dry land. - I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I'll try not to let you down.

It's just the thought of the crossing from here to the ship, sir.

We don't appear to have any ship to join.

The Admiral must fly his flag in an aircraft carrier.

It's only a cruiser out there.

Here, hang onto this, Bowles. I'll see if I can find out something.

Hello, hello!

Duty calls.

[triumphant music]

- I'll need you at 1600. - Very well, sir.

Oh! So sorry, old boy.

Oh, good morning.

I wonder if you can help me. Is there a carrier due in today?

You must be mistaken, sir, carriers never come in here.

- They always go to Cannes. - Really?

Thank you.

Hmm. Typical SANFU.

Self-Adjusting Navy Foul-Up.

I can see we're going to feel very much at home amongst this lot.

Always work on the law of averages, sometimes known as the Bodger theory.

For every bright officer, there are at least four idiots.

The man who assigned us to that carrier is an idiot.

Let's see. Order signed by an Admiral Ryan.

- You. - I beg your pardon.

- Lieutenant Commander Badger? - Excuse me.

Must be a pal of his.

- Can I help you? - I doubt it.

I've just put the name and the face together.

You're the man who thinks that navies are run by idiots.

A-ha, I see my fame has spread.

- I don't think we've met. - Report aboard my flagship immediately.

Your flagship? That cruiser?

I feel the question is unnecessary, sir, but may I ask who you are?

Just the idiot. I'm Admiral Ryan.

I thought so, sir. The question was unnecessary.

[strident brass music]

Excuse me, sir, but isn't the Admiral known as "Tiger Ryan"?

Tact, Bowles, was never one of your strong points.

- Yes, sir. - Where the devil's Dewberry?

- No. - Oh, you really should live a bit.

Now, if you'll just close your eyes, dear girl,

and let me put my arm round you,

you'll hear beautiful music and feely twiggly all over.

Well, I'll keep my eyes open, thank you,

until I find the right man in the right place, at the right time.

And as far as feeling twiggly...

Well, look, give yourself a chance to get to know me.

- Dewberry? - Sir.

I know you and I don't feel twiggly all over.

Oh, well, he wasn't causing me any trouble.

I'm sure. You're wanted on board immediately, at the double.

Aye-aye, sir.

Good morning. Lieutenant Commander Badger.

Lieutenant Carol Blair.

I read about you, you're something of a celebrity,

- in a negative sort of way. - Charming.

And, from what I've read, you might not be considered

the Navy's best friend.

Foreign propaganda. You mustn't ever believe all that you read in the papers.

Oh, I don't.

I believe in finding out everything for myself.

So do I.

And that, of course, brings me to you. Who exactly is Lieutenant Carol Blair?

I've been taught never to reveal any more than my name, rank and number.

But I am in the phone book.

If you'd like to call me up sometime when you're in Youngstown, Ohio.

Delighted.

And if you're not at home, what's the next most likely place to find you?

I'm a nurse.

I spend most of my time in the British-American hospital, right up there.

Uh-huh.

If you develop a rare disease, do drop in.

I might just do that.

The male members of my family are prone to heart murmurs.

[jaunty music]

[loud barking]

Look out, guys, here comes the monster.

Mind your legs!

Words going round that some of you have your noses out of joint

over the British officers joining us.

Really, sir? Well, I can't imagine why.

Do you think it's because most of them are kind of snobbish?

And this bunch thinks that all navies are washouts?

That's very generous of you, Garrett.

There's nothing like being fair, is there?

Providing it doesn't interfere with some damn fool prejudice you hold.

[triumphant music]

[whistle peeps]

Lieutenant Commander Badger reporting for duty as ordered, sir.

I'm Commander Spelling, Executive Officer.

- Welcome aboard. - Thank you, Commander.

Midshipman Dewberry.

Midshipman Carson, sir.

Midshipman Bowles.

Captain Hurley, sir.

This is Lieutenant Commander Badger.

- Glad to have you aboard. - Thank you, sir.

Commander, will you take these gentlemen to the ward room for some coffee?

Of course, sir. Follow me, gentlemen.

First of all, I'll show you to your quarters, Mr Badger.

- Thank you, sir. - And then the Admiral wants to see you.

I guess we can use this table.

[loud barking]

Let's see, that'll be six coffees, steward.

- Welcome aboard. - Oh, thank you.

- So you're, er... - Dewberry.

- You're, er... - John Dewberry.

- You're English. - Oh, yes. Yes, and you're...

- American, yes. Cigarette? - Oh, thank you.

Garrett.

- Oh, haven't had one of those before. - No, that's my name.

Oh, hello.

[loud barking]

Albert!

[crashing]

Get off! Get him off!

I say, I'm good with dogs. Good dog. I'll handle this.

Ow! Get off!

- [men shouting] - [Albert growling]

Come in.

Well, Albert! Who have you been playing with?

Huh? Good old boy. Yeah.

Lieutenant Commander Badger at your request, Admiral.

Thank you.

- Sit down. - Thank you, sir.

According to the manual,

any man coming aboard a new ship starts fresh.

So, I'm willing to listen to any excuse or explanation

for your widely publicised comments about the Navy.

I have no excuse or explanation, sir.

Oh.

That's a mark in your favour.

Thank you, sir.

Let's understand each other.

You're starting with two strikes against you.

If you and those three youngsters do your jobs, you'll find me reasonable.

If any of you steps out of line just once, you're all through.

- I understand, sir. - Just so that's clear.

[loud barking]

Oh, don't worry about Albert, he wouldn't hurt a fly.

Now, as to your assignments,

you will assist Spelling in his duties as Executive Officer.

Thank you, sir, I'd be delighted.

This Dewberry seems like an idiot. He probably is.

He's to be Assistant Entertainments Officer.

Er, beg your pardon, sir.

I realise, of course, that providing recreation and shows

for the ship's company is important,

but Dewberry is sometimes...

a bit overenthusiastic in...

in certain areas.

He'd be excellent though in Gunnery or Supply.

- Your criticism is noted. - Thank you, sir.

And overruled.

Aye-aye, sir.

Bowles will deal with the athletic programme.

May I suggest, sir, that although Mr Bowles is a first-class athlete,

he is learning to control a hair trigger temper.

Mr Badger, I've not asked for your advice in this matter.

No, sir.

- Carson will be Mail Officer. - Ah, thank you, sir.

He can take the launch back and forth to shore,

for mail messages and so forth.

Would you like to make a comment?

No, sir.

Now, Mister, you're smart enough to know that I checked the records

on you and those three.

Do you think it's accidental that I've given them these particular jobs?

I realise your choice was deliberate.

You undertook to teach these three men to be naval officers.

Now, maybe you succeeded.

But maybe they haven't got what it takes.

I intend to find out now, while this ship is anchored in a peaceful bay.

If there's an emergency,

there won't be any opportunity

to assign officers according to specialised talents.

They've got to pull their weight no matter where they're put.

Do you read me?

I do, sir.

- That'll be all. - Thank you, sir.

[mournful jazz]

[dramatic music]

[Albert barking]

[Albert growling]

Argh!

Argh!

Midshipman Carson, sir, first charge,

did on the 3rd of June commit an act

prejudicial to good order and naval discipline,

in that he did improperly paint the rectum of one male dog,

the property of Vice Admiral Ryan.

Second charge, did, on the 3rd of June,

improperly use one can of government-issue paint.

You are an incompetent, dangerous, rock-headed fool!

Who me, sir?

I mean, yes, sir.

Have you anything to say?

No, sir, only that it was purely self-defence.

Self-defence?

- Well, the dog attacked me, sir. - What?!

arse first!

I feel sure the Admiral recognises the right

of Midshipman Carson to protect himself against attack.

By him? [Chuckles]

By this sweet, loveable puppy?

[he laughs]

I can produce evidence, sir, that Mr Carson was in fact in danger.

Huh? Just a typical example of the well-known British humour.

Oh. I can assure you, sir, that next to Queen and country,

we British hold small animals most sacred.

But, Mr Badger, I know Albert,

he wouldn't hurt a fly.

You know best, sir. If the dog is always gentle,

then Carson must be guilty.

Obviously.

Mr Carson,

in my time I have dealt with many despicable...

- [Albert growls] - Albert! No!

Now...

[Albert barking and growling]

[Admiral Ryan] Stop that!

Albert, down. Down, you monster, before I...

Down.

[smooth classical music]

Any old pills, bandages, horse liniment?

We received a memo that you were coming in for an examination, Commander.

Now, that's a strange thing, nurse,

because just as soon as I found out that you were in this department,

I began to develop peculiar symptoms.

Nothing trivial, I hope.

Why don't you sit down? The doctor will see you in a moment.

Well, I wouldn't dream of rushing him.

Now, Lieutenant Carol Blair,

aren't you going to take my temperature or something?

Anything to keep you quiet.

I don't call this very friendly treatment.

Well, you see, we always try to impress our patients

with an impersonal efficiency during surgery hours.

Oh.

- How do you feel? - Very impressed.

- But I could be... more impressed. - Really?

Well, you see, when an attractive girl gets, shall we say, personal,

I always list ten degrees to port at the first smile.

Mm. Well, at least your temperature is normal.

I'm surprised.

I'd better take a medical history.

We'll start at the beginning, shall we? Now, let's see.

When I was born, my parents were called Mum and Dad

and were considerably older than I was.

Ah, coffee.

- You really are quite impossible. - [he chuckles]

We always try to impress nurses with our personal impossibility

during surgery hours.

How do you feel?

Quite unimpressed.

Now, would you be kind enough to take off your jacket, please?

Delighted.

[chuckles]

Would you sit here, please?

I say, what beautiful hands.

You're not expecting a normal reading on that thing, are you?

You made the appointment.

I have to get the preliminary report for the doctor.

Well, I'm feeling much better now.

I still have to make my report.

Well, couldn't you make your report next Friday evening,

to me, personally, on board the flagship?

Hmm?

I say, couldn't you make your report to me personally on board the...

Is that an invitation?

Strictly in the interest of science.

One of my chaps is in charge of entertainment on board.

It starts at eight o'clock.

Can you manage it?

Strictly in the interests of science.

How perfectly delightful.

In that case, it's not necessary for me to take up the doctor's time.

Well, that's nonsense, he's looking forward to meeting you. He's British.

Oh, believe me, I'm cured.

[intercom buzzes]

I think he's ready to see you now.

Oh, Lieutenant Commander Badger?

I can see you now.

Sorry I made you wait so long.

Will you come in?

[mischievous music]

- Hello, Commander. - Good evening.

Ah, Dewberry.

A good naval officer should always encourage his men

when their performance has been outstanding.

I must offer you my congratulations.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I didn't know you'd heard what I've laid on for tonight's show.

I haven't.

It's just that I'm considerably cheered by the fact

that a whole week has passed without a new crisis.

Well done.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I say, I wonder if the Americans give medals

for outstanding performance as an Entertainments Officer.

I don't see why not, they give them for everything else...

Admiral.

- As you were. - Launch coming along side, sir.

That's a visiting Consul General and his wife.

They're coming aboard tonight as guests of the American Navy.

Naturally, I am very anxious that we impress them

with the efficiency and the dignity of this ship.

We're delighted to have you aboard.

[in broken English] Happy to anybody, no.

My wife talks North American any much?

She think too it most high honourable of American men and boats.

Welcome.

Sure. Uh, yes, indeed.

Uh, won't you step this way?

- And very happy to you. - [she chuckles]

Well, good luck with the show, John.

It's about time one of us did something to impress the Bodger.

Well, he'll be impressed alright.

This is one show that would go down very well with any navy.

Well, I hope you're right.

Hope you've got a good show for us, Dewberry.

- I've done my best, sir. - You'd better. We'll be the judge of that.

You see,

these shows are designed to provide wholesome entertainment

for the men of our fleet, who work hard at skilled, dangerous jobs.

This show dangerous?

[speaking foreign language]

- We go now. - Oh! Please, wait. I...

Sit down, please.

I didn't make myself clear, no.

I meant, the men are a danger some...

I mean, it's perfectly harmless, it's perfectly safe.

Suitable for a child of three.

Have me three childs too.

Happy you childs.

[laughs nervously] Yeah, er...

[glitzy music]

[applause]

- Take it from me J. - [wolf whistles]

♪ A girl is a creature ♪

♪ Whose principal features are shyness and modesty ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

[wolf whistles]

♪ Take it from me A girl of today is ♪

♪ Well, how shall I say it? As good as she needs to be ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ I see me as the latest model in... ♪

Popular act, isn't it?

Not in all quarters.

♪ You may not agree But what you can't see can't hurt you ♪

♪ Take it from me The moral of this is ♪

♪ The modern young miss is ♪

♪ A packet of purity ♪

♪ And if you believe I mean that ♪

♪ Seriously ♪

- Zaza! - [wolf whistles]

♪ You just don't know a girl is ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ A girl is a creature Whose principal features ♪

♪ Are just what they seem to be ♪

Bodger, cherie!

♪ Take it from me ♪

Say for childs? How old childs?

I'm very sorry, there's been a mistake.

♪ Take it from me The girl of today is ♪

♪ Well, how shall I say it? ♪

♪ As bad as she needs to be ♪

You are in the South of France and do not come to see my act?

- An old school chum. - The memory lingers on.

It has been ages.

♪ Men see me ♪

♪ As a great big bundle of beauty ♪

♪ I'm paid to please ♪

♪ So all I'm doing is my duty ♪

Collette, my darling, you're as lovely as ever but the show...

Why couldn't you have kept your clothes on?

But why? They liked. Look!

I am looking.

Is this an American ship or a burlesque theatre?

- I'm sure it's an American ship, sir. - Who's responsible for this?

Midshipman Dewberry, sir.

Unfortunately, not all senior officers appreciate art, particularly Admirals.

Him? That's Poopsie! He loves my act.

He was at my show last week in the front row. I go and kiss him.

[men wolf whistling]

Admiral Ryan? Poopsie?

Yeah, Poopsie Ryan. I go kiss him.

Not yet, Collette. For my sake, please, not yet.

Okay, cherie.

Poopsie?

- Back in a minute. - Oh, don't let me spoil your class reunion.

♪ Take it from me A trip to a strip joint ♪

♪ A week at the it joint ♪

♪ To study anatomy ♪

♪ We're sure your enquiring minds are the reason... ♪

Get that British blockhead here, the one who brought these women aboard!

Aye-aye, sir.

For this, American childs?

That's very seldom of you.

- I hold you responsible for this. - Oh, sir.

Do you think American sailors are so depraved as to enjoy such trash?

Well, sir, I wouldn't say that all Americans find the show distasteful.

Are you contradicting me?

No, sir, but Mademoiselle Collette has just told me of one officer in particular

who enjoys her act immensely.

I'll have you know that...

What are you driving at?

I wonder if the Admiral knows the officer? Poopsie, I think she called him.

- Poopsie? Poopsie? - Ah, yes, yes. I heard you!

♪ Take it from me! ♪

[wolf whistles]

Midshipman Dewberry reporting as ordered, sir.

Get lost!

Cancel the rest of the show.

Aye-aye, sir.

On the double!

Didn't you know what Dewberry had up his sleeve?

Tell me, Carol, do I look like the sort of man

who deliberately sticks his head into a mincing machine?

- No. - No. But that's the story of my life.

Either I forget to keep my mouth shut or willy-nilly I'm forced to open it.

And out pops the devil?

With remarkable regularity.

Well, have you tried counting to ten?

- I can't count past three midshipmen. - [they chuckle]

[coughs]

- Yes, Carson, what is it? - Excuse me, sir.

The last boat is going ashore, sir.

Ah, you bring no tidings to warm my soul.

Here, you need this more than I do.

- You certain, sir? - Yes, you, sir.

Go on.

[she giggles]

Well, end of an evening.

- A very pleasant one. - Hm-mm.

- But short. - Well, there's tomorrow.

Happily, assuming Admiral Ryan doesn't order the sun not to rise.

I was thinking of when it sets. About eight.

That's a nice thought.

And I might consider a private lesson in how to tell my friends from the enemy.

Reserved and booked. First of a series. Tomorrow at eight.

- Goodnight. - Bye.

- Tidy it up that end. - Aye-aye, sir.

What's up with you, Romeo?

Life is strange and bittersweet.

Philosophy, first thing in the morning?

Last night, I stood on this spot with a beautiful French chorus girl.

It was twiggly.

And in a few short hours, two muscle-bound idiots

will be hammering each other into a pulp. It's very crude.

It may be crude,

but it'll be a large feather in the Bodger's cap if I can train one of our men to win.

Win what?

The fleet boxing championships, you idiot.

Fighting doesn't appeal to me. I just want to be loved.

Look who's here.

I've been looking for you.

Your day should be bright now. You've found me.

Why did you try to cut me up with that girl last night?

Oh, I didn't have to try, old boy.

You do lack charm, you know. It's sad but true.

How would you like a fat lip?

Well, I've had no complaints about my lips in their present state.

Look out, John. There's the Bodger.

Dewberry, will you check that the watch quarter and station bill is up to date?

Aye-aye, sir.

Duty calls, I'm afraid. Can't stay. Must dash.

Now, just a minute. We're not finished.

Don't worry, I'll be back.

Come on, you blokes, we haven't got all day.

[jaunty jazz]

Oh!

Help!

Help! No!

[cries out]

[upbeat music]

[gulping]

[chuckles]

That thing's a menace.

What idiot's in that launch?

- It's Mr Carson, sir. - Mr Carson?

Admiral Ryan, sir.

I wish to apologise for last night's affair.

I can assure you it won't happen again.

- I've decided to forget the incident. - Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Er, Admiral, sir, would you care to see a copy of the training schedule

I've worked out for the midshipmen?

[upbeat music]

Your pal isn't coming back.

He's yellow, like the rest of you Limeys.

Now, I've been waiting for you to say something like that.

Why don't you come in and repeat it?

Sure.

You know,

you've been marked gutless since we Yanks mopped you up in 1776.

It's funny you should say that

cos my great-grandfather fought with Cornwallis.

Soon he's gonna rest easier, sir.

Ooh!

[upbeat music]

Thank you, sir.

Erm... Admiral Ryan, sir.

Now what?

Are there any special orders?

Just one and you can figure that out for yourself.

Aye-aye, sir.

Now, if you are deliberately trying to annoy me...

Not at all, sir. Admiral, if you'll kindly step this way,

I think I might relieve your concern about the British junior officers.

The athletic programme is under way, sir.

Mr Bowles is supervising.

And I think I can promise you an excellent example

of Anglo-American cooperation.

Just step this way, Admiral, sir.

Bowles is very good at sport.

[dramatic music]

I must be going out of my mind.

Two of my officers fighting. I don't believe it!

[Admiral Ryan] You there!

[Albert barking]

- Get off! - Albert!

Get off, dog! Get off me!

Help!

[Carson yelling]

Albert!

Dog overboard.

[loud crash]

Help!

[Albert whining]

[Admiral Ryan] I see no reason for delay.

This formal investigation will come to order.

Now I want one thing understood.

This board will, to the best of its ability,

render a decision based upon fact, not prejudice.

I want each member of this board to search his conscience

and to reach unbiased, impartial conclusions

when he finds the defendant guilty.

[Spelling coughs]

I mean, guilty or not guilty, naturally.

Mr Carson, how do you plead?

Sir,

this is my first formal investigation so far.

It's very interesting

and I'd like to study up on the procedure a bit more

before I decide whether I'm guilty or innocent, sir.

Mr Badger, have you instructed this man on the seriousness of this charge?

Indeed, yes, sir.

I wish to state that Mr Carson admits crashing the launch.

Oh, that's very generous.

In fact, sir, he did it deliberately.

The prosecution rests in view of the blanket admission of guilt.

Defendant will retire while the board considers its verdict.

Sir?

We wish to move that the charges be dismissed

and the records expunged.

There are two investigations scheduled.

I hadn't thought it necessary to plan a third for you

because you are liable

for the actions of two out of the three officers involved.

However, if you'd like to try for the grand slam, keep talking.

We contend, sir,

that Midshipman Carson disregarded personal safety

in the highest tradition of the service.

I must tell you that it is your privilege

to request a new trial.

If you believe, as I do, that the Lieutenant Commander

defending you has lost his mind.

I think the Bodger...

Lieutenant Commander's doing very well, sir.

Anyway, I can't wait to hear what he's got to say next.

We urge, sir, that a special citation for bravery

be given the accused.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

Displaying the greatest physical courage

and with skill and alertness,

Mr Carson risked bodily injury

rather than harm an innocent, gentle, dumb animal.

Because of his love for dogs,

and knowing the Admiral's affection for the animal in question,

Mr Carson determined to slam his launch

into the side of the cruiser

as the only possible course he could take

to prevent running down poor Albert.

I don't believe it.

I can assure you, sir, that I have interrogated

all those people who were in a position to witness this unfortunate event.

Regrettably, they were occupied with a certain incident

on the fantail

and were not able to look down into the water

until after the crash had occurred.

Luckily, however,

there is one who knows all the facts.

I refer, sir, of course,

to Midshipman Carson.

[he sighs]

How do you two plead?

Lieutenant Commander Richards representing Mr Simpson, sir,

has consented that I enter a plea of not guilty for both defendants.

No request that they be given medals?

No, sir.

The charge will be supported by the testimony of over 20 witnesses, sir.

Do you deny fighting at the time and place specified?

- No, sir. - No, sir.

Well, if you offer no evidence of extenuating circumstances,

the board has no choice but to find you guilty.

The defence will produce no witnesses, sir.

Then perhaps you can tell me how these two have the gall to plead not guilty?

Most certainly, sir.

I would ask the board to accept this exhibit

as evidence for the defence.

How long's he been in there now?

Exactly 29 minutes, 13 seconds.

- Not good, is it? - No. Poor Bowles.

Now I know how an expectant father feels.

So I suppose giving birth to twin miracles takes time.

There can't be a way out for Bowles.

Miracle or not, he's guilty, there were witnesses,

dozens of them, and it's all my fault.

[whistling "Rule, Britannia!"]

- Well, what happened? - When do you walk the plank?

Do you mind if I use this frame?

- Hang the frame. - That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I've got something here I'll treasure for the rest of my life.

Well, come on, tell us. Dismissal? Prison?

What for?

I'm innocent.

Pure as the driven snow.

I don't believe it.

Well, there were quite a lot of doubts in the Admiral's mind, too,

until the Bodger allayed them.

Here, look what he produced for the board.

"19th of June. To be posted on main bulletin board.

It is requested that those officers interested

be on the fantail at 1000 hours

to compete in an elimination contest

for determining the officers' bare knuckle championship of the fleet.

Signed, T. Bowles, Ship's Recreations Officer."

- [knocking on door] - Congratulations, boy.

- Marvellous. - Come in.

Well...

Oh, what do they want?

We've come to bury the hatchet.

In whose head?

Ha! On the level, Simpson would have been kicked out

if it weren't for your Commanding Officer.

We figure we were wrong about you.

And way out on the Lieutenant Commander.

Well, I started the fight.

You could have said so and got yourself off the hook.

- Thanks. - That's our piece and we've said it.

- Buddies? - Well, friends.

[Albert barking]

- Hey, look out, here comes the dog. - Here comes the dog again.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Now I'll believe anything.

What would you say to my transferring your three midshipman

to another ship?

They can make it on their own or not

but you'd be free of the responsibility.

That is for you to decide, sir.

Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

I'm giving you a chance to protect yourself.

Thank you, sir, but if I have a choice, I'd rather stay with my men.

You're too smart to think this situation can go on much longer.

Oh, I admit you've done amazingly well

in winning some minor skirmishes,

but you're a cinch to lose the war.

I sincerely regret the incidents which have occurred, sir.

I hope there'll be no others.

Carson, Bowles and Dewberry are potentially good men.

They've made mistakes but are better for what they've learned.

I'd like them to have a chance, sir.

Are you suggesting that I'm prejudiced and persecuting them?

I didn't say that, sir.

Well, maybe I am prejudiced but I doubt it.

Those three are teetering on the brink.

If they trip one way, end of career,

loss of time, effort and potential.

But if they go the other way then everybody wins.

The Navy has three good men and three good men have the Navy.

Just how long do you expect me to watch them teeter?

With respect, sir, that is a question only an Admiral can answer.

Mm.

Alright.

Alright, you say they've learned. We'll find out.

Now, if they've grown into be men we can use them.

But if they're still boys,

your judgement is on the line and you stand to fall with them.

- Is that clear? - Yes, sir.

New assignments.

Bowles becomes Assistant Gunnery Officer.

Dewberry goes to Supply and Carson is on Radar.

Thank you, sir.

Effective in 72 hours.

Yes, sir.

And are they to continue with their present jobs until then?

They have three days to prove that you're right about them.

And you're under orders to give them no assistance, that clear?

I understand, sir.

May I ask what their new assignments are to be?

Well, I'm giving them duties where they can prove themselves.

You know,

a sailor ashore on the Riviera is exposed to many temptations.

Liquor, women, brawls.

And the men who police...

[military bugle]

Shore patrol?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[jaunty music]

[woman crying out]

Hello, hello!

I can handle this section. You chaps trot along on your rounds.

[speaking broken French] Garcon, venir here. Naughty garcon.

Gargon, donne-moi le peashooter.

Oh.

Donne-moi! Frappé-vous on your derriere.

Ah. Bonjour!

Aller!

Oh, how can I ever thank you?

There are ways.

[speaking French] Cheers, mate.

Don't forget what you owe me.

No kidding.

[Frenchmen laugh]

Are you the proprietor?

Oui.

Well, this sailor says he was short-changed.

What, by me? Honest Marcel?

If he's honest, Jesse James was a choir boy.

Now, look, we've had a lot of reports of this sort of thing.

He says you owe him 40 francs.

Do you know what this is?

This make tall sailor very short!

Imagine what it will do to you.

- Why, you! - Steady on, Jack.

If you start a fight, you'll have to pay for what gets broken.

[speaking French] Don't worry about it.

It's only his face that will get smashed.

What did he say?

The only thing that gets broken is his face.

[laughter]

Now, come on, Jack.

A fight means the cells for you.

[man singing] ♪ Drunk last night ♪

- ♪ Drunk the night before ♪ - [man] Alright, buddy, come away from there.

♪ Gonna get drunk tonight Like I've never been drunk before ♪

- Listen, we asked you to get down from there! - I'm drunk!

Alright, buddy, just pretend you're a bird and fly down.

[continues singing]

It's not good. Man, he's loaded.

Guess I'll go up.

What's the trouble?

Nothing serious, sir, he just had a little too much elbow exercise.

You!

♪ The lowland action... ♪

Sailor! Come down!

Uh-uh.

You! Come up!

♪ Glorious! ♪

Sir, it might be quicker and safer if we went up to get him.

It won't take a minute. I've only to cut through that alcoholic haze

and touch the enlisted man's basic respect and regard for an officer.

- Where's your pride in your uniform? - Hmm?

Where's your pride in your uniform?

Here.

- Have a drink! - [mischievous music]

[laughter]

I once heard it rumoured

that a man on a date with a girl

is supposed to be vaguely aware of her presence

from time to time.

Mm-hm.

- The moon is made of green cheese. - Uh-huh.

Oh, well.

It's almost four o'clock, would you like to kiss me?

Mmm.

Hey, what's that you said?

Oh, that did it.

Well, it's nice to know that some reactions are still working.

Never mind that, what did you say just now?

Oh, I was just talking to myself, which I've been doing for some time now.

It's really boring, you know, because I never tell myself the unexpected.

Well, it sounded fascinating to me.

Tell me, what is bothering you?

Report back to the ship.

- Mr Bodger, sir. - Hello, Garrett. What is it?

All shore leave's cancelled, sir.

The flagship sails at 1900 hours.

Well, that's that.

For a moment, I thought our three friends had boobed again.

Even they couldn't get the American fleet to up anchor and steam away.

Or could they?

Well, with sea duty instead of shore patrol,

it'll be easier for them to get past the deadline.

That's a point.

Which reminds me, when I get back,

I must have a long chat with you

about a number of things.

Such as?

Nothing important.

Just odds and ends.

How you plan to spend the rest of your life.

Garrett, do you mind?

I'm sorry, sir, it's about Carson, Dewberry and Bowles, sir.

I've just come from Shore Patrol HQ.

They haven't reported back since they went ashore. It's mighty strange.

Any reason to suspect anything wrong?

Oh, no, sir, no.

That's reason enough.

Well, sir, I'll keep looking for them but what do I do if I can't find them?

Well, there are three of them and three of us.

We'll divide the town and meet on the jetty in half an hour,

hopefully with our quarry bagged. You go that way. Carol...

I Know a little restaurant which is très intimate.

Avec soft lights, sweet music, champagne...

It's très romantic.

Marvellous. Tonight?

Salut!

- My cousin. My fiance. - My mistake.

[speaks French] Get out of here!

We'd better settle this like gentlemen.

Perhaps I could offer you money?

[Dewberry] Oh, I say.

I am going to tear you into little pieces!

- English idiot! - Oh, really?

What on earth is going on here?

Do you know this snake?

He tries to make love with my fiancé.

- My husband? Make love? - He's... He's...

Oh, Charles, how could you?

I mean, think of the children.

The children?

Oh, yes, of course, yes.

Whatever came over you?

Forgive me, Daphne.

- It's this tropical heat. - Oh, take me home, Charles.

Thank you, monsieur. Thank you a thousand times.

[speaks French] At your service, madam.

Oh!

Look, they call me Honest Marcel.

So, I tell you what.

I give him 20 francs, huh?

- Then they'll call you Half Honest Marcel. - [laughter]

- Now we're getting somewhere. - Now come on.

40 francs or I'll have this bar put off limits.

Alright.

I pay.

Voila!

Merci, cherie.

[Bowles] I'm prepared to forget this incident now. I'm glad you saw it my way.

- Thank you very much. - Don't mention it.

Now get out of here as soon as you can, okay?

Yeah, er...

And now, to show there is no hard feeling...

you have a little drink with Honest Marcel, eh?

No, thank you, I can't drink while I'm on duty.

Well, alright. Just a small one.

In the interests of international relations.

I mean, what is a glass of wine to an officer and a gentleman?

Indeed.

- Vive la France! - Up the Arsenal.

[laughter]

Mm, très bon.

Everything alright, sir?

Yes, fine.

Well, some time when I'm off duty I'll pop in for some more of that.

It's the best I've ever tasted.

- Ah, tout alors. - Oui.

- [mischievous music] - [laughter]

Who put the hole in the floor?

- Now let's get him out of here. - Yeah.

[laughter]

I like that, let's play it again!

Alright.

- You come down and we will. - Promise?

Come on.

Help me.

Help me, please.

Now, sailor, stand to attention.

Stand to attention!

You didn't really want to play at all. You cheated.

- And salute an officer! - Okay.

- Oh! - Why don't you mind where you're going?!

I'll handle this myself. Let him go.

Well, let him go!

- Hold him! - You want to play?

At last. What the devil's all this about?

Well, sir, this sailor seems to have drunk too much.

But I think I can convince him that his behaviour's

not in the best interests of the service.

You've already convinced me, Carson, that you're a ruddy fool.

And I have proof!

Get him back to the ship, as quietly as possible.

- [drunk sailor chunters] - Get you on your feet.

When you come across a drunk,

don't stand in front of him flaunting your gold braid,

or you'll get clobbered and deserve it.

Stand aside and let the ratings handle him.

Yes, but, sir, I've done a lot of research on drinking.

Yes, I'm quite sure you've read all the best books on how drunks behave.

Unfortunately, the drunks may not have read the same books.

And I'm sure the Admiral hasn't.

- Now, come on! - Yes, sir.

[mischievous music]

Hmm!

Look at you.

After just three hours of shore patrol,

my imagination wilts at what you might have achieved in three days.

Call yourselves naval officers?

It's just possible that we're looking at a trio of officers

unique since Captain Kidd was out recruiting.

[Carol] Well, at least they're back in time.

Excuse me, sir. The launch is coming in.

Right. Wait at the landing stage.

Really!

They've just been unlucky.

Bad luck is usually due to bad judgement.

Well, that's perfectly silly.

It's perfectly true.

As for them, well, they've used up their quota of luck.

Now where's that famous Bodger optimism?

Very much in evidence.

I expect to see you when I get back.

That isn't optimism, that's a cinch.

Take care of yourself.

[romantic music]

[mischievous music]

Pick him up!

- I report my return aboard, sir. - Aye-aye, sir.

What's the buzz about sailing orders?

- Have they recalled the ship's company? - Come on! Shh!

I don't know, sir, we haven't been given our orders yet.

[they continue chatting]

[mischievous music]

- Mr Badger. - Sir?

You'd better start to prepare your defence

for the Board of Enquiry when we return to harbour.

Aye-aye, sir.

Ready for sea, sir.

And you'd be wise to keep those...

"officers" out of my sight.

Very good, Admiral.

[jaunty music]

I'm sure you're all aware of the revolution

which has occupied the headlines for the past several days,

so it will come as no surprise to you

to learn that we are sailing for Maroneia...

and will arrive there late tonight.

Now,

the President of Maroneia has held office for 13 years.

Elections are held every four years

but the results may be open to question.

Last time the President's electoral board

announced his re-election by the largest majority in history.

In fact, it was 17% larger than the entire population.

[laughter]

Anti-government activity flared into open revolt last Sunday.

News has been strictly censored

but, according to our reports,

a certain impasse has now been reached.

We do know one thing.

The rebels are holding out in a large building opposite the palace.

And they have a hostage, an American citizen.

And that's where we come in.

We must protect that American

without offending the government, the rebels, the civilian population,

the world press, or probably anybody's Aunt Sally.

We hope that a show of strength will do the trick.

But if it doesn't, you might as well know now,

we're in trouble.

[balalaika music]

- Mr Badger, sir. - Yes?

- Could I speak to you a minute, sir? - Surely. Come in.

It's about Carson, Dewberry and Bowles, sir.

They've scuttled the ship?

- No, sir, just that we can't find them. - What?

We've searched this ship from top to bottom, sir, they're not aboard.

Right, come on.

[dramatic music]

- [crowd cheering] - [man] They started the revolution!

But we, the students and workers, will finish it!

A plague on both sides!

[crowd cheering]

And as for that warship out there,

they won't force us to accept corrupt leaders,

not while there's a breath in our bodies!

[crowd cheering]

That must be the President's palace over there.

[man's speech continues]

And I should think this is the rebel headquarters.

[Carson] We'll rescue the hostage and give Bodger the credit,

then they can't turn him out.

Let one of those foreigners come ashore,

and I'll tear him to p...

[laughs] We'll tear him to pieces

with our bare hands!

[crowd cheering]

We'd better see if we can find a way in through the back.

We'll try the first door and if we get shot, it's the right one.

Alright, come on.

...and I say to you comrades that right is might!

[jaunty music]

[mischievous music]

It's locked.

Yes, so is this one.

He might be in there.

Whistle something American.

- What? - "Anchors Aweigh".

How does it go?

[whistling]

Okay, okay.

[whistles "Anchors Aweigh"]

[tense music]

The place is deserted.

I'm going to try to bash it down.

[grunting]

I wonder if you could direct us to the headquarters

of the British Hunting and Chess Society?

[jaunty music]

[crowd cheering]

My Colonel, my Colonel! We have captured three spies.

Shoot them.

Hey, just a minute, we're not spies!

He says you are spies. He's a truthful man.

Don't be ridiculous!

We're British officers assigned to the American fleet.

If we were spies, would we wear these uniforms?

You think all I have to worry about is the fashion in spy clothes?

Shoot them.

Not here.

[sobbing] I have such a headache!

I must warn you...

that my father is a member of the British House of Parliament.

My father is member of moral disarmament.

Do I bother you with my problems?

Okay, okay. You don't want to get shot as spies.

I understand.

Shoot them as political agents.

- Do you have plenty ammunition? - Enough, my Colonel.

But it is food we don't have!

Er, maybe we shoot the hostage too.

He eats too much, Papa!

Well, if you'd like to keep us as hostages,

we don't eat very much.

Take them away, maybe shoot them later.

When my headache is better!

[rebel speaker] Let us brace ourselves and overthrow these traitors...

[gunshot]

Up with your hands!

I told you not to shoot that thing. Don't you know the Colonel has a headache?

Inside!

That's just the direction I was going.

[crowd cheering outside]

Alright!

Well, it looks as if another bunch of suckers has been bagged.

Midshipman Carson, Bowles and Dewberry.

You must be the American hostage.

Only until the American government finds out about it and sends a warship.

Well, they've sent one. We're attached to it.

Well, if the Navy's here, why didn't they send out a rescue party?

We rather thought we were a sort of rescue party.

[Dewberry] Sir.

[strident brass music]

We've found another spy, sir.

Shoot him, where I won't hear the noise.

What do you stand to gain?

Please! I don't want to argue.

Just get shot, quietly.

You may consider yourself my prisoner, sir.

- You have a gun? - No.

- You have men? - Three.

No doubt you have them tucked away hereabouts somewhere.

They're my prisoners and you're my prisoner too!

Technically, perhaps, but only in the short view.

Do you know something I don't know?

Suppose I said I could get you out of this revolution... alive?

You know how?

Who needs you?

Have another drink, have another drink!

You will agree, of course, that the revolution is virtually over.

Don't tell anyone, it was over before it started.

Revolutions should run on time, like trains.

Two weeks early, they started,

just because the man who was to dynamite the radio station

wanted to get it over so he could get married on a saint's day.

Pity. He's happily wed, I trust?

Ah! To a lovely girl.

How delightful.

- Never mind him! - [crash]

I'm what's important to me.

Actually, the plan is very simple.

You were apprehended by a patrol from the fleet, myself and my three men.

I was?

Under our jurisdiction you are taken to the ship.

- I am? - What happens then, I can't guarantee,

but at least you'll be off Maroneian soil and out of reach of the government.

You're a genius! Mwah!

You're a genius!

[laughing]

Get my bags, the locked ones.

And hurry up, you numbskull, can't you see I'm prisoner?

- Oh, well, I will kill him! - No, no, no, you idiot.

If he kills you, I'll kill him.

So many times he wish you were dead. Now, do as you are told.

And bring back the three British officers and the hostage.

And shut the door.

This is the worst run revolution I ever saw.

A man can't even surrender in peace.

And now with that mob out there,

I cannot make a private little deal with that silly brother of mine, the President.

He's in just as much trouble as I am.

Hmm.

It could get worse.

[crowd cheering outside]

[speech continues outside]

Well, sir, I guess we did it again.

You know, you three are wearing the wrong uniforms.

You should be in the Boy Scouts.

Another rescuer?

Why don't they send in some Americans who'd know what they were doing?

Well, they're holding back the first team

to give us substitutes a little experience.

I'm ready.

I travel light.

You stay here till I get back.

Wait a minute, you can't leave without me, I'm your prisoner.

I'm turning you over to them.

And if I don't get back,

I recommend prayer as the most hopeful course of action.

If you don't mind. Thank you.

We have the power!

We must use it! Death to the tyrants!

Death to the imperialists!

- [cheering] - [man] Put them all before a firing squad!

- [man] Kill the Colonel! - [woman] Shoot them all!

[man] Down with the government!

[cheering and whistling]

An imperialist!

Alberto!

Imperialist!

I must remind you,

this is a flag of truce, you know.

There is no flag of truce between us!

[crowd] No!

Well, that's a pity.

For you, of course.

There happen to be a number of heavy guns trained in this direction.

They make more noise than you do.

You won't talk our people into slavery.

[crowd] No! No!

Farthest thing from my mind, dear boy. For you.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll just let me cross to the palace,

I think a few differences of opinion might be resolved

without a lot of corpses being strewn hither and yon.

No, no, you are the enemy.

[crowd] Yes!

You can have just as much fun making an example of me

when I return from the palace.

Martyrdom can wait for both of us.

What have you got to lose?

You wouldn't have those heavy guns spoil your show.

We have your word you will come out?

The solemn oath of an imperialist.

Oh! [Laughs]

He may be lying.

But get a rope to hang him just in case he's telling the truth.

[man] Let the Englishman speak!

Alberto, lead the way!

Imperialist...

Oh, imperialist...

[laughs]

Good luck.

I think he's made it.

How can he take such a chance when I'm his prisoner?

Doesn't he care what happens to me?

[strident brass music]

Lieutenant Commander Badger, sir.

Her Majesty's Royal Navy, on duty with the American fleet.

I am the President of a sovereign state

and I refuse your ultimatum.

We haven't presented one.

A mere technicality.

I expect you will observe the Geneva Convention

and give reasonable warning before you commence shelling.

In fact, I insist upon it.

Oh, with respect, sir,

we would like to explore a solution which would avoid bloodshed.

- [crowd cheering] - Well done, Alberto. This will prove...

For me?

I wish I thought so.

They wouldn't dare. Not to the Bodger.

Well, I don't know what we can do.

But he's not going out there alone.

Come on!

[crowd cheering]

Ah, an honest imperialist!

Everything is ready now for your hanging.

- Alberto, prepare the rope! - [woman] Hang him up!

[crowd cheering]

We've got the rope! Ah, up with him, lads.

If you chaps would postpone the festivities arranged in my honour,

I think we might all have a much somewhat brighter future.

Time to get bright after you hang!

[cheering]

[Badger] Wait just one moment!

You realise you're hanging your hopes to a peaceful end to all this?

You'll prove to the world we mean business.

- Cheer up, you're practically a martyr! - [cheering]

[gunfire]

[screaming]

Three more!

Ah, but only three!

Do you think you can kill us all?

- [crowd] No! - I say!

Let him go and nobody gets killed.

Are we afraid to die?

[crowd] No!

Will we let three men stand in our revolutionary path?

[crowd] No!

Go on, my men! Go on!

[crowd clamouring]

Clear out, the three of you, while the going's good!

That's an order!

[President on tannoy] My good people,

this is the father of your country.

- [crowd boos] - [President] Shut up!

I mean, listen to my message which I have carefully prepared.

I have searched my soul to find the best path

for you, my children, to follow.

I have even considered leaving this beloved country.

[cheering]

Don't be so happy, I'm not going anywhere.

[crowd boos]

[crowd clamouring]

That settles it! Hang them all!

[crowd cheering]

Wait!

I am proposing a summit meeting between all parties concerned.

With Lieutenant Commander Badger

as chairman to guarantee neutrality and fairness.

There will be present that pipsqueak brother of mine,

the Colonel, who thinks he knows how to run a revolution.

I accept!

But he is the pipsqueak!

I am the patriot! I pray!

[crowd laughing]

They are both pipsqueaks!

- Do we need them? - [crowd] No!

Also, at this meeting will be a chosen representative

of the people now assembled in the town square.

A coalition government will be formed and all will have an equal voice.

I go to the summit

to bring our people a new deal!

And with it a new tech venture day!

[crowd cheering]

I don't think we need a Navy, sir.

If you were a captain, you could patrol the world alone.

Three more midshipmen like you and I'd have to.

[crowd cheering]

Lieutenant Commander Badger, front and centre.

In recognition of outstanding performance

in the highest tradition of our peacetime Navy,

my government is pleased to confer this honour upon you.

And if you're ever transferred from Dartmouth again,

I hope it'll be to my command.

Thank you, sir.

Ship's company dismissed!

[upbeat music]

- Congratulations, sir! - Couldn't have done it with you!

Have all the honours and attention made you forget those questions

you were going to ask me?

Not at all.

I've even added a new one.

How do you feel about life at a naval academy?

[military band music]

Left, right, left!

Left, right, left!

Left, right, left!

[man shouts drill commands]

Squad, halt!

Right... turn!

Commander Badger, sir.

Well, Acting Sub-Lieutenant Dewberry?

I don't like to say this, sir, but we're very worried about you,

very worried indeed.

When they start worrying about me, that's when I start worrying.

There's usually a very good reason for it.

If not, they go out and create one.

Well, you see, sir, now you're back at Dartmouth

and you're in charge of these new cadets...

Well, we just don't want you to get into trouble, sir.

We've looked them over, sir.

They're a terribly scruffy lot. Look like halfwits.

The Navy must be getting short of recruits.

He's quite right, sir, I don't know what the school's do to them these days.

It'll take five years to make them any use to man or beast.

Well, look at them!

[instructor] Get your feet together!

Look up, stand still, get your chest out,

bring your shoulders back!

[chuckles] Congratulations, I'm convinced you'll all be Admirals.

You already sound like several I've heard.

I don't quite understand, sir.

Admirals never do, right?

Right.

[chuckles]

Do you think he'll be able to manage without us?

[jazz music]

[triumphant music]