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["Cup of Tea" by Robin Wynn]

♪ There once was a girl ♪

♪ She said, I do, I do take you ♪

♪ There once was a boy ♪

♪ He said, I do ♪

[music abruptly stops]

♪ [indistinct lyrics] ♪

♪ He said I do, [indistinct lyrics] ♪

[music stops abruptly]

[keys clattering]

[door unlocking]

[restaurant din]

[indistinct chatter]

[door creaking]

Hi. [chuckling]

Hi.

[chuckling] God, you look fantastic.

No, I don't. I mean, do I? Thank you.

Trying not to do that thing.

Never mind. Sorry.

- I think I'm nervous. - It's fine.

I'm actually pretty nervous too.

It's been a long time since I've been out on a date.

Well, this-- is this a date?

I mean, I guess, sort of.

Uh...

Can I get you something to drink?

Oh my God, yes. Wine.

Or, what are you having?

An Arnold Palmer.

What is that? Like a Tom Collins?

What? You don't know what an Arnold Palmer is?

- How have we gone-- - Hang on.

Jesus, don't Google it.

- Why? - 'Cause I can just tell you.

I hate it when--

sometimes when people do that thing

where they act shocked that someone doesn't know

the thing that they know,

sometimes I find that frustrating,

so I just like to find out for myself.

The dude was a golfer.

Yes.

Well, I'll have one too. With bourbon in it.

Well, I was kind of hoping we could just...

- What? - Just totally be present,

you know?

Sober.

You mean sober.

I guess.

Yes, present and sober.

I think that's gonna make it harder.

But if we're like totally shithoused...

Eh, no. You're right.

Um...

Just get me the thing with the most sugar in it, I guess.

I'll be right out.

Thanks.

So organized.

Yeah, well.

Wow, we're actually doing this.

Well, we don't have to.

- I brought-- - No, I want to.

- Okay. Good. - I want to.

I mean, so do I.

Okay, good.

So, how do we...

Oh, well, there's instructions.

You see? Here.

Read one question aloud to your partner,

then both of you answer.

Swap roles for the next question.

Answering all of the questions should

take about an hour, but time isn't important.

You want to start, or...

Just dive right in.

We don't have to. We...

How are you?

Fine.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, did the electrician come by to fix the air conditioner?

Oh, yeah, and it was kind of terrible,

'cause he was like, yeah, if we were to run that thing

for even a minute, the whole house might have burned down!

- Shit. - I know, right? That would...

Yeah, I know.

Except also, I don't know.

Maybe I should just burn it down.

Why don't you just start?

Okay. Let's start.

Ladies first.

If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner,

who would it be?

[chuckling] Arnold Palmer.

[chuckling] Just kidding.

Uh, anyone?

I mean, do they have to be living, or...

- Doesn't say. - Practically speaking,

you can't invite a dead person to dinner.

I mean, not with that attitude.

George R.R. Martin.

- Really? - Yeah.

So I could go all Kathy Bates Misery on his ass, right?

Like, well, hey, George, enjoy the aperitifs,

but also, I'ma to chain you to this radiator

until you finish your fucking books.

He's, like, super old.

That kind of stress might just send him

into cardiac arrest, but it's a good answer.

It's your turn.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Why?

Why? Why isn't part of the question.

Where'd you find these again?

Uh, on the internet.

Yeah, but, like...

No, it's just, like, an article I read.

And it's, like, a science experiment about love?

I mean...

Because I'm just curious, you know, about, like,

the sample size and the methodology.

You know, like, how science-based is this?

Well, the article wasn't about the experiment.

The article was about this one person.

This one half of this one couple, not, like,

the experiment itself.

Oh, yeah, I think I've read that.

Yeah, well, didn't I send that to you?

It doesn't matter.

Uh, would you like to be famous?

In what way?

Oh, yes.

Injected it directly into my veins.

Enjoy diabeetus.

Live a little, Arnold.

[chuckling]

Um, would you like to be famous?

Yes.

Not, like, movie star famous?

Maybe Nobel Laureate famous?

You know, like, a nice special interest piece

about me in the Times.

And that thing where, like, only people in my field

recognize me for doing this one great thing, you know?

And what would it be, the thing that you were

great at in your field?

Um, I don't know.

It's always been the problem, hasn't it?

What about you?

Oh, I would not like to be famous.

Liar.

No, seriously.

Not at all?

Not at all.

- Maybe for a day? - [gasps]

You could do that!

You could!

I heard this thing on NPR all about how, like,

fame can be, like, artificially manufactured.

Like, you could just put on sunglasses

and walk out of the NBC building with an entourage.

And people will just, like,

automatically assume you're famous.

And they'll be like, oh my God,

I love that guy from that thing.

He's, like, my favorite.

[chuckling]

Sorry, that was supposed to be your answer.

That's fine.

[chuckling] Just read the next one.

Okay.

Um before making a telephone call,

do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?

Why? No.

- But you do. - So I don't sound stupid.

I hate using the phone as a phone.

It makes me anxious. And I prefer to be prepared.

[chuckling]

Anyway, what would constitute a perfect day for you?

I think it was my turn.

- Oh, sorry. - No, it's fine.

It's fine, I mean--

It's fine.

When I was living in Chicago,

right when I moved in, and you came to see me.

And all I had was that big, ugly futon.

And you were so sick, you'd caught some sort of

stomach bug from the plane, I guess.

And we spent that entire week

on that big, ugly futon with a bucket nearby.

And I pressed cold cloths to your forehead.

And we watched movie after movie.

Uh, we didn't talk, not really, you know?

We just... were.

That's your perfect day?

- No, I don't mean... - Me throwing up into a bucket

- is your perfect day. - That is not what I meant.

And anyway, we agreed.

We agreed that we were going to really do this.

Like, really do this.

And not bring all of our baggage into it.

So you can't just sit there and answer questions like,

Oh, the best day of my life was when

you were puking into a fucking bucket.

Fine, fine. Okay, fine.

We don't...

[exhaling]

What about you? What's your perfect day?

I don't want to answer that one.

Well, that isn't how this works.

Either we do this, like, really do this, or we don't.

Fine.

Fine.

There are these panda preserves in China.

And you can go there, and you can hold a baby one.

I think that would be, like, the perfect day.

You know they make you, like, shovel shit first.

What?

Yeah, like, you go there, and you volunteer your time.

And you clean the cages, and shovel the shit,

and feed the things, and you get to hold one for,

like, two minutes while they take your picture.

Okay.

I'm just saying.

Well, I still think it would be worth it.

You read the next one.

When did you last sing to yourself to someone else?

Uh, this morning, probably.

You know, I have a song for my contacts.

♪ This goes in my right eye, I cannot go wrong ♪

♪ If I put it in my right eye, and I sing this song ♪

Yeah.

You?

Uh, in the car.

Yeah.

And to someone else?

What?

What?

- What do you want me to say? - The truth.

Okay, not since Jake.

You wanted the truth.

If you were able to live to the age of 90,

and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old

for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

- Mind. - Body.

It's harder for women.

Okay.

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

No. I can't even think about it.

My therapist says I have to stop the thought spirals

before they even start.

Do you?

Well, I mean, both my parents died of

heart attacks in their 50s, so I...

But you're in much better shape than they were.

I mean, you can't fight genetics.

It's you next.

Uh, name three things you and your partner

appear to have in common.

Okay. One,

unconventionally placed Ys in our first names.

Two, we're both only children.

Yeah, but up here it says--

I think you're supposed to go on like...

Oh, yeah. Sure. Fine. Um...

Okay. Two, we're both wearing rings.

I gave it back to you, Wyatt.

It was like a family heirloom thing.

You know I gave it back to you.

Yeah, the engagement ring, not the wedding band.

I mean, I still...

[Wyatt scoffs]

- Don't make this into a thing. - [Wyatt] Fine.

[scoffs]

Fine.

[exhales]

Two, we're both... wearing pants.

And three, our son.

That would be something we have in common.

Yeah, we have a son together.

He may not exist anymore, but that doesn't mean that...

He exists.

That isn't what I--

Don't ever say he doesn't exist.

Merryn, I didn't-- It was a poor choice of words.

This was supposed to be a reconnection, Wyatt.

I know, but how can we honestly expect to reconnect?

- Merryn, if we never talk-- - I don't want to talk about--

I just, I didn't...

I'm not, like, prepared for it, okay?

And so besides, you promised.

- You promised! - Hey, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

Can we just...

Yeah, we can go back to the questions.

- Please. - [Wyatt] Yeah.

[Wyatt sighs]

- Yeah. Yeah. - [Merryn] Just...

Of all the people in your family, whose...

whose death would you find most disturbing?

[poignant piano instrumental]

Can we skip that one?

Yeah.

[Wyatt] Fuck that question.

Hey, do you want...

Can we, like, walk or something?

Yeah, sure.

♪

[Merryn] Mm!

Sorry, it's...

[Wyatt] You want to just...

[Merryn] Yeah.

[Wyatt] Um...

If you could change anything about

the way you were raised, what would it be?

[Merryn] That's easy.

- I'd want a sister. - [Wyatt] Yeah?

Or a brother, sure.

I mean, it's really lonely, I think, being a kid.

Especially if your parents leave you with

a babysitter all the time and never tell you anything.

So I just always wanted a sister.

A built-in best friend, you know?

[Wyatt] Yeah, unless she hated you.

[Merryn] Why would she hate me?

[Wyatt] She wouldn't.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that.

- [Merryn] Okay. - [Wyatt chuckles]

[Merryn] It's my turn.

Uh, if you could wake up tomorrow having gained

any one quality or ability, what would it be?

I would like to be able to speak all known languages.

And understand?

Of course I'd understand. Isn't that a given?

No, you have to be specific.

If you make a wish and you're not specific,

you could end up being able to speak all languages

but have no clue whatsoever as to what you're saying.

Yeah, okay, I'll be sure to be careful

the next time I bump into a sorceress.

Since when do sorceresses grant wishes?

- Whatever, Merryn. - Okay.

[chuckling] Next.

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth

about yourself, your life, the future,

or anything else, what would you want to know?

Just what am I supposed to be doing, you know?

And that was always the thing I envied most about you.

You always knew what it was you were supposed to be doing.

You just did it.

Teaching was never the dream, Merryn.

But you're so good at it.

You've had the pick of colleges since before I even met you.

And you just shine up there.

I snuck into one of your lectures once.

Sat in the back.

You were lecturing about, I don't know, James Joyce?

James Joyce, yeah.

- Or something, yeah. - It's always Joyce.

When I was in college,

I would be doodling all over my books or whatever.

But every one of those kids have their eyes

just locked on you, it was magical.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to be talking

about the great writers, Merryn.

I wanted to be one of the great writers.

You were a good writer.

You are a good writer.

And if you ever showed anyone your stuff, you would know--

No, I'm middling at best.

Well, there's a market for middling.

Not in poetry.

- Not really. - [Merryn sighs]

And besides, there's no money in it.

Well, there's never any money in anything good.

- Oh, come on. That's just... - True?

Reductive.

Wow.

You still write?

Yeah, of course.

It's like a compulsion.

It's just, I don't know...

Scraps, you know? Vignettes.

I can't...

There's no cohesion.

It's just a bunch of fucking chaos.

Do you remember that poem you wrote for me?

I've written hundreds of poems for you.

Hundreds.

What's the next question?

Take four minutes and tell your partner

your life story in as much detail as possible.

- I don't want to do that one. - Too bad.

- I mean, what's the point? - I'll go first.

Ill go first, then. Okay?

I'm just gonna set a timer.

Oh, gosh. Okay. Um. [chuckles]

I was born in Sacramento in 1983.

I grew up in the foothills of Mount Ockham.

We didn't really know anybody.

Um...

My parents made me do normal kid stuff.

You know, like soccer, piano lessons, or ballet.

I did it all.

Begrudgingly.

I think my mom was waiting for one of my coaches

or instructors to be like, "Oh, wow.

You know, like, she really has a gift for this."

But none of them ever said that, so...

Anyway, um... I went to school nearby.

But the bus ride was like half an hour or so.

And eventually they cut the funding to the buses.

My parents had to drive me to school every day.

So I just kind of felt like an outsider, you know?

Because so much social stuff happened on the bus.

I didn't really have very many friends.

Or any, really.

But that was okay because it gave me a chance

to focus on school.

You were a really good student, right?

Yeah, I did really well in school.

I got straight A's. I got a scholarship.

And I ended up going really, really far away for college.

I thought, I don't really have a life

for myself in California.

So I'm just going to go really, really far away.

So I went to a school in Chicago.

So I went.

And my college roommate was my first real friend.

Becky Landon.

- You know her. - I do.

I started studying communications.

Thinking I could just get a good job

in an office somewhere.

And really take the time to find out

what I was interested in.

And I thought, you know what, I like science museums,

and I like art, and I like music.

And I thought, well, maybe one day

I'll be good enough at something specific.

You know, I'll be interested in something specific enough.

And it'll catch. And I'll stick to it.

But I never found that thing.

Instead, I found a husband.

And we got married on a vineyard in Sonoma.

Because his parents died young and he inherited some money.

And I haven't done anything.

I haven't done anything interesting.

I haven't... gone anywhere interesting.

I haven't become anything interesting.

I am just an office manager in a big building

with an empty house with an empty life.

Is my time up yet?

Is my time--

Look, I'm not even enough to fill four minutes.

- I think you're interesting. - I'm not.

- I'm, like, objectively not. - Merr...

Will you just go now, please?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

Uh, are you gonna...

Well, um...

I was born in Bloomfield Hills to, like,

sort of wealthy parents.

My folks couldn't have any kids after me.

So when they died, I inherited a lot of money.

[scoffs] I went to Yale, where I studied poetry.

Which is just like the most useless...

Anyway, um...

You can't make a living writing poetry, so...

When my parents died, they put my money in a trust

that I couldn't touch until I was 30.

So I had to get a job. You know, boo-hoo, I know.

Um so I got a job teaching literature.

First at Oakland Community College,

and then at DePaul, where I met you.

In Chicago.

[scoffs] I can't...

I can't do this.

Pretend that you haven't heard this story,

all of my stories, like, a million times.

I like your stories.

You know, the first time I saw you,

you were carrying that exact same stupid,

fat messenger bag into the humanities building.

You were walking up the steps, and it was so cold outside.

You had a scarf wrapped around half your face.

And you hit one of those muddy snow slush puddles,

and it splashed all over the side of your pant leg.

And you reached down to try to get it off,

and you just got mud all over your mitten.

And then you got that all over your coat.

I don't remember that.

I know, but the time that you actually remember,

the time we actually met, right?

At the front desk in the lobby?

- I do remember that. - Yeah, I knew that it was you,

because I could see

the little muddy mitten prints all over your coat.

[chuckling]

So, I guess, I mean, all the stuff that comes before

that moment just doesn't seem so important to me.

And that moment feels like the beginning of my life.

What is your most treasured memory?

And I swear to God, if it is me

- puking into a bucket... - No.

...I'm gonna puke into a bucket.

[chuckling]

No.

Uh, well, I just told you mine.

Muddy mitten prints.

What's yours?

The 20-week sonogram?

[both chuckling]

I don't know.

I remember you were, like, gripping my hand,

because that was the appointment where

they were going to tell us if anything was wrong.

And you remember he had that fluid on his kidneys?

The kidney thing, yeah.

And the ultrasound tech was like,

yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.

We see that in a lot of baby boys.

Because she didn't know that nobody had

told us what we were having yet.

And you looked at me like, is this okay?

Because you knew how much I wanted a girl.

Ugh, I wanted a girl so much.

And I expected to be disappointed,

but my heart swelled and jumped up into my throat,

because I would have a son.

And if I was lucky, he would be just like you.

And he was.

[children shouting and laughing]

Hey, can we...

- Do you want to go somewhere? - ...Go somewhere?

Yeah, sure. Um...

- Where do you want to go? - I don't know.

Somewhere, like, private, I think?

- Uh, the house? - No, not the house.

Your place, maybe?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Also, I kind of have to pee.

You really actually need to pee,

or do you need to sit on the toilet

and look at your phone for ten minutes?

Uh...

Yeah, no, both, I think.

Maybe both.

Where'd you park?

Oh, well, I got a ride, because I thought we'd be drinking.

All right, well, I'm just...

What did we do on toilets before cell phones?

Suffered.

Oh, um, don't say anything about the car.

What do you mean?

[Merryn] Oh.

[clutter rustling]

- [music plays through speakers] - [Merryn] Oh! Shoot...

[music playing indistinctly]

You didn't un-sync me.

Don't read anything into it.

What?

My messenger bag is not stupid.

[Merryn sighs]

♪ I feel their cold hands reaching out for me ♪

♪ They grasp my hope and bend it round ♪

♪ I see their lips move, I can understand ♪

♪ Their regret... ♪

[Merryn] So...

This is it.

It's nice.

It isn't. [chuckles]

Well, it'll be nice to picture you in a real place.

Where's your bathroom?

Uh...

Just through there, on the right.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Oh, and also, I don't know, I'm kind of getting hungry,

but not, like, meal-hungry, like, snacky-hungry.

Okay, um...

Well, I got pita.

And that spinach artichoke dip that we used to get.

- Oh, hell yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Also, um...

[chuckles] I'm rethinking the booze.

[Merryn] What?

This, um, this is just...

[muttering indistinctly]

[indistinct]

Hey, um, you don't have hand towels in your bathroom, so...

Oh, um...

Yeah, just, uh, wipe them wherever.

Wait, do you have a dish towel?

No, I don't.

Um, this place, like, I don't know,

it's missing a lot of the basics.

We came all, like, pre-fab or whatever.

I didn't want to buy anything of my own,

so whatever's not here, is just...

Um...

Seriously, just wipe them wherever.

Yeah.

[chuckling]

Great.

You like it here?

Uh, yeah, it's fine. It's whatever.

- You hate it? - Yeah, I fucking hate it.

Merryn, look at it.

Jesus Christ, it has no personality.

Should have let you keep the house.

Yeah, if you're gonna just burn it down.

[chuckles]

Well, what's next?

Oh.

Um...

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,

would you change anything about the way you're now living?

Why?

Um...

I would quit teaching.

And spend my time in a--

a seaside cottage somewhere, writing.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh...

when the sun went down,

I'd sit on a porch with you, and, um...

I'd read you what I'd written, and...

drink wine, and then go to bed with you,

- and, uh... - Oh, okay. Okay.

Okay. [chuckles]

Yeah, and you?

Mm-hmm.

I think...

I wouldn't change anything.

But I think it would change me, you know?

- Sure. - And I would just feel, like,

at peace somehow, like,

okay, don't have to worry about anything anymore,

because it's all gonna end soon.

I don't mean to be bleak, but...

[indistinct] Yeah.

No, I mean, I get it.

Yeah. I get it.

You're next.

Um...

Alternate sharing something you consider

a positive characteristic of your partner.

Share a total of five items.

You're beautiful.

You're correct.

[both giggling]

You're smart. [laughing]

You're, um, kind.

- You're creative. - You're funny.

You're punctual.

Punctual.

Yeah.

I like that about you.

Okay. Okay. Um...

You're... open.

I mean, what am I...

You were open to this whole thing.

I guess.

Plenty of people in our position would have just

completely given up, you know, like,

just thrown in the towel or whatever, but...

When I brought the idea up, you were all in.

Well, we love each other.

I figured, why not give it one last shot?

Yeah.

Anyway, um...

You are strong.

And you can reach things in high places.

Great. [chuckles]

That five?

Uh, four, I think.

One more, then.

Yeah. You're, um...

You can't think of one, can you?

Wait a minute. Just give me a second.

- I could go on and on. - I can't--

You are handsome.

You're conscientious.

You're successful.

You are loyal.

- You are dutiful. - You're loyal.

Well, you can't take one I said. What?

Okay, you-- Fine. You're...

Interested.

What does that mean?

Mm, curious. You want to know things.

You want to be a part of things.

- You're interested. - Not interesting.

You've always been so supportive of me and my work.

So interested in what I was doing.

It made me feel like I wasn't so mediocre.

Ugh. You're not.

Merryn, I am, okay?

You're the only one who ever said otherwise.

Yeah, because you never show anyone your stuff.

- If you had, then-- - I have, all right?

I have.

I... [sighs]

I've shopped my stuff around, and it's just...

I created this whole other email address,

and it's just...

Rejection after rejection after...

Why didn't you ever tell me?

Because I didn't need you to see me fail.

I felt shitty enough as it is.

I didn't need my wife seeing it.

- [Merryn sighs] - I'm not as good

- as you think I am. - You are precisely as good

as I think you are.

You don't know anything about it.

Okay, fine.

It's fine.

Just, um...

Just read the next question.

Is there something that you've dreamed

of doing for a long time?

Why haven't you done it?

Honestly?

No.

[Wyatt] Nothing?

Not really.

I guess...

[Wyatt] What?

Say it.

It's okay, Merryn.

I guess I haven't dreamed of doing anything since Jake.

[tearfully] I'm sorry.

Mm, I know what I said, I know what we agreed.

It's... it's okay.

No, it isn't.

It wasn't supposed to be about him.

- None of it was. - I think it's stupid

to think we could have ever kept him out of this.

But it's supposed to be about us.

- About saving us. - Here, read the next question.

No, I'm trying to make a point here.

No, no, so am I. Read it.

[sighs] What is the...

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

You can't say that. That...

- You can't say that. - Why not?

Because he wasn't an accomplishment.

- He was a human being. - Merryn, we raised a smart,

compassionate, loving little boy.

- We did that. - You and me.

And then he died.

[scoffs]

Yeah.

Yeah, he did.

- Yeah. - I know.

I was there too, remember?

No, in your mind it's all your own personal tragedy.

You remember that you were holding him, Merryn,

but you forget who was holding you.

No, I did not forget, Wyatt.

I can't get it the fuck out of my head.

Why do you think we fell apart?

[exhales]

[sobbing quietly]

- What is your most terrible... - Yeah.

You know, when I was in labor,

I felt trapped in my body.

Like the spine-wrenching pressure of it

put me in fight-or-flight mode and all I wanted to do was

to find a way out, but I couldn't.

And it lasted so long I thought the pain would be permanent.

I thought all the baby books had been

a bunch of bullshit and my body would burn forever.

And then it was over and they put him in my arms

and all of that evaporated in an instant.

And when he died...

I felt it like a second labor.

Like something that...

ripped me open and set my nerves on fire, and...

they put him in my arms and he was still so warm

I closed my eyes and pretended he was asleep.

But he looked...

mangled, Wyatt.

And... raw, and...

then I thought about all the blood that brought him here

and all the blood that took him out again

and I gave myself over to the hurt of it and you...

you needed to hold me and be held in the aftermath.

Of course you did, but I felt the loss in my body.

And even the slightest pressure from your fingertips was enough

to make me keel over and I thought,

"It won't be like this forever.

You know, it'll ease up. It has to."

The impermanence of pain, but it hasn't.

Not one bit.

And I think I will feel this way forever.

[Wyatt sighing]

Well, fuck.

How do we come back from that?

I don't know that we do.

How about that drink?

Bourbon.

To Jacob.

Are you officially giving up then?

I'm not.

- Wyatt. - I'm not.

Then, what's next?

"What roles do love and affection play in your life?"

[laughing]

Oh, my God. Um...

I honestly don't even know anymore.

Hey, can I, um...

It's like...

weirdly quiet in here.

Can I just put on some music or something?

Yeah.

Oh, you know what?

I have that playlist we used to like.

Oh, yeah. It's here.

I didn't unsync you here either.

There.

[gentle acoustic music]

♪ I feel faint when you lift me off my feet ♪

I love this song.

I remember.

We danced to it when we were [indistinct].

I remember.

I can't.

I don't really listen to it that much anymore.

Yeah, I don't really either.

Except when I'm feeling particularly long in the tooth.

Long in the...

[Wyatt chuckling]

That's not how that idiom is used.

Yes, it is.

- It's not. - Yeah.

It means sad, doesn't it?

- It means old. - Oh, wait.

I think maybe you meant long in the face.

You know, like, why the long face?

Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter.

You know what I meant. God.

You know, that's why you liked me.

At first.

You liked being around someone you could correct all the time.

Made you feel smart. Like the big man.

Yeah. That's not true.

- Yes, it is. - It's not.

It's okay.

I think I cultivated it.

I like the way you looked at me, like...

"Oh, you sweet, great thing. Here, come.

Sit on my lap and let me tell you how the world really is."

- Well, come sit on my lap. - Wyatt.

No, let me show you how the world really is [indistinct].

Oh, I know how the world really is.

Well, come sit on my lap anyway.

"What roles do love...

- Yes. - ...and affection..."

Well, um...

When I was younger, anyway, I mean, I was just...

Constantly getting laid?

Like, I didn't know who I was if I wasn't pressed up

against somebody else's skin.

Yeah, I took that, um...

That online test that you sent me. The, um...

- The love language? - The love languages one.

Yes, I did that. And, uh...

I got a three-way tie. I got...

Uh, words of affirmation, I got physical touch.

And I got, um,

acts of service.

And I just knew that I could eat up every ounce of affection

anyone ever gave me and it was never...

It was never enough.

Oh. And maybe it was just like, you know...

some constant need for

any form of validation, really.

I wasn't getting it from my writing,

so I had to get it from wherever, right?

So, it was just,

I just felt like this black hole in me.

- And, you know... - Me too.

Boys would always tell me I was too needy.

But I always sort of suspected that was code

for "stop feeling your feelings."

- Right. - But you never said that to me.

Not once.

I would hug you extra long.

See how long I could get away with

and you never pulled away first.

Never.

You would just stand there

and let me lean my head against your chest.

And on the good days, you would hum.

And I could feel the music vibrating through our bones.

And on the bad days, you would just be quiet and...

And you would stay like that until I was strong enough to

let go.

And you...

You called me beautiful.

Like it was my name and...

And you sent me flowers on the first of every month.

And I stopped feeling like a...

Uh, what did you just call it?

- Oh, it was a-- a black hole. - A black hole of need.

Because you filled me up, so...

What roles do love and affection play in my life?

Oh, God.

They were everything to me.

So, why can't I feel it now?

Why can't I feel it?

You can't feel it now?

No.

Don't say you can't fucking feel it. Feel it.

I refuse to...

There's no way I'm the only one.

I feel it, Merryn.

- Good for you. - Oh, fuck off.

- Oh, real nice. - No, you're lying to yourself.

- No, I am not. No, I'm not! - You are.

God, it's like static electricity in the air.

No, don't look away. Don't...

Since why I'm the only one fighting for us.

That's not fair. I'm here, aren't I?

You have to do more than just show up, Merryn.

I don't know what

- you want from me, Wyatt. - I want you.

[Wyatt] I want...

I don't want you to give up on us.

I don't want you to fucking placate me

so I'll sign the goddamn divorce papers, Merryn.

I want you to fight with me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

♪ I can't wait upon the stars no more ♪

Fight.

♪ Could you please release me ♪

♪ I will grow old, I can't stay young ♪

♪ I will grow old and may forget your name ♪

♪ So, I'll sing you one last song and make it last long ♪

♪ All through the night, to the dawn ♪

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ Don't you run from me ♪

[Merryn moaning]

♪ I can't wait upon the stars no more ♪

♪ Could you please release me? ♪

♪ Could you please release me? ♪

[Merryn laughing]

I'm just gonna...

Hurry up.

[Merryn exhaling]

- Hey. - Yeah?

Can we wear pajamas?

I feel so strange.

Uh, yeah.

Wait, did you, like, bring some?

No. I didn't, like, come prepared for a sleepover.

And I'm not saying I'm gonna stay.

[Wyatt] Yeah, yeah.

Um, there's clean laundry and a basket, like...

- I'll find it. - [Wyatt] Um, all right, yeah.

[Wyatt exhaling]

[deep exhale]

Where did you find that?

[muffled] Linen closet behind the beach towels.

[Wyatt] Where it should have stayed.

[deep gasp] Whatever.

[light giggles]

Okay, so...

Next question, then?

Read on.

Mmm... Make three true "We" statements each.

For instance, we are both in this room feeling...

We are both in this room feeling...

sexually satisfied.

[coughing]

No?

We are both in this room feeling connected, I think.

Yeah, totally.

Uh... We are both happy.

To be with one another.

We are both wearing your clothes.

Yeah, but they look much better on you.

We are both, uh...

deeply dissatisfied by the food options I've put before us,

- aren't we? - We are.

- We are desirous of pizza? - We definitely are.

We are wondering where to order from.

We are curious, does Red House reach all the way out here?

We are fairly certain it does not.

[sighs] We are disappointed.

But we will settle for Pizza Palace?

We will settle for Pizza Palace.

Uh... Are we still not eating meat?

We are eating whatever the fuck we want to.

Really? We're eating Italian sausage?

Yeah, we are.

Maybe some green pepper and beans?

We are pleased with this.

Do you want, like, breadsticks or something?

- Do I want? - Do we?

We do not.

Do we have a pizza ordering app on our phones?

Do we order pizza, like, maybe way too much?

We don't like to cook.

There.

What's next?

[light humming]

"Complete this sentence:

I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

- Dot-dot-dot. - Right.

Um...

My bed.

And not, like-- not, like, in a sex way, necessarily.

No, I know. You're always a very, like, tactile person.

Yeah.

If I'm being honest, I'm-- I'm good during the day.

I'm good, like, around people. I'm good in the sun.

- But at night... - It's all harder at night.

It's like having a cold or the flu, almost.

And you always feel sicker at night.

This is no different, really.

Yeah.

What about you?

I wish...

I had someone with whom I could share...

The loss of my son.

And I don't mean you.

I mean, someone who gets it, you know?

You don't go to group?

I could never really bring myself to--

- do you? - No.

What about that, um...

- That mommy and me thing? - God.

No, none of the...

The moms, you know, none of them...

They wouldn't see me after.

Maybe it was because there was no one

for their kid to play with, but I think...

I think it's because they were afraid

that whatever happened to me...

To us...

...was catching.

I sometimes talk to my mom about it, super rarely.

- And? - It's terrible.

She just fucking cries. I hate it.

Yeah? You know, the only time that I ever felt grateful

that my parents were dead was when Jacob died.

So I wouldn't have to call and tell them.

You can talk to me.

I can't.

I'm sorry, but I can't. Not really.

I mean, when we talk about it...

We just experienced it so differently, and...

I just feel like I am alone at rock bottom,

and I just kind of wish somebody was down here with me.

You don't act like you're at rock bottom.

What does someone at rock bottom act like?

Like they'd rather just be dead.

I mean, basically, but you...

You live your life.

I mean, fuck, you told me you went on a date recently,

which I still can't remember.

I only told you that so I could be sure

we were both in the same place.

I didn't want to be accused of cheating.

It was...

Cheating.

Merryn, we're still married.

We don't even live in the same house.

- Only because you made me move. - I did not make you move!

You wanted to go. You said you were...

Oh my god, what was that phrase you used? Oh, right.

Drowning in my abject melancholy.

Write a fucking poem about it or something, Jesus.

Seems like you got a lot happier, huh?

Soon as I was gone.

Must have been a relief to get laid again

since we barely touched each other

the last year we were under the same roof.

Oh my god, what a thing to bitch about.

Like literal minutes after we just had sex.

And anyway, I didn't fuck him. I just went on a date.

Yeah, well, I hope you had a good time.

- I did! - Yeah? Good.

Yeah, he took me to Benihana and it was nice.

Fantastic. Had a nice conversation with him, huh?

Good connection while the guy in the stupid hat

was grilling up your fucking shrimp.

Those shrimp...

Are delicious.

[both chuckle]

I did not cheat on you.

I just wanted to know if there was a life

left in the world for me, that's all.

- [sighs] - Is there?

Maybe not.

Not with that guy anyway.

- No? - No.

I mean, I met him on Tinder, so I guess I just felt lucky

he didn't try to murder me or something.

- Wow. Tinder. - What?

No, it's like a hookup app for 20-somethings.

- It is not. - No, it really is.

Okay, so how would you know? Are you on it?

I mean, I downloaded it, but I never got on it.

- [long gasp] I knew it! - What?

You are all high and mighty about us still being married,

but you want to get laid even more than I do.

I mean, yes, but the difference is

that I haven't actually made the effort yet.

- I haven't met anyone. - You swear it?

Yeah, I swear it.

So...

It's just internet porn for me.

- Not that I have any right. - Of course you do, Merryn.

- You're my wife. - Yeah, for now.

[laughs]

"Share with your partner

an embarrassing moment in your life."

Oh. Easy.

Okay. Um...

When I was in the ninth grade,

I was wearing these white jeans

- and I bled through... - You bled through.

You told me that, like, on our second date.

- I did not. - Yeah, you did.

And in my mind, I'm going,

"isn't telling basically a stranger this story

more embarrassing than the story itself?"

Wow, judgey.

No, I only mean that it was like...

I just think that was a very formative story.

Like, I will not wear white pants...

[both] ...to this day.

Your wedding dress wasn't even white.

Oh, man. That dress. [laughs]

I thought your mother was gonna have a heart attack.

- Okay, so my thinking was-- - I remember.

why should this one day be totally other?

- Other. - Exactly.

I like getting dressed up.

You know, wearing something I wouldn't normally wear.

Well, I wouldn't normally wear a ball gown anyway, but...

At least that dress looked like me.

You know, looked like something I might wear.

Yeah.

You have no idea

how many traditional white dresses I tried on.

And almost all of them

were sleeveless with a sweetheart neckline.

I looked at myself in these three gigantic mirrors,

and I just thought, this is not me.

And on that day, I wanted to be the most me.

- You know, the best me. - Yeah, I do.

And you.

You rocked that suit.

- Why, thank you. - You did.

God, I remember being in that church

and walking down the aisle on my father's arm

and seeing you in that three-piece suit

and just thinking, man...

I would really like to fuck him right now.

- No, you didn't. - Yeah, swear to God.

Well, you were the only one looking at me.

Everybody else in that fucking zip code had their eyes on you.

What's next?

When was the last time you cried

in front of another person, and by yourself?

[sighs]

Nikki came by last week to watch the Padres game,

and I cried because they won.

Yep, you always were a crier.

- It's healthy. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Totally.

Okay, the thing about criers is that they suck up

all the emotional energy in the space around them.

So, like, if you're going to be the crier, then I can't be.

That's not true.

What? Yes, it is.

When was the last time you saw me cry?

I mean, not counting Jacob,

when was the last time you saw me cry?

- Jacob counts. - Yeah, but that wasn't crying.

That was...

something else.

When was the last time I, like, sniffled at a rom-com

or gushed over a baby?

You can't think of one, can you?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

I'm just saying, I don't really do it all that much.

And I think part of that is because you cry at everything,

and so I don't really have any space to.

- That's dumb. - What?

I'm sorry, but that's dumb.

Just because I cry doesn't mean that you can't.

But then we're both balls of useless sniveling.

So?

Join me.

Anyway.

"What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?"

[both] Nothing.

Uh...

Your house, containing everything you own,

catches fire.

After saving your loved ones and pets,

you have time to safely make a final dash

to save any one item.

What would it be, and why?

I mean, my cell phone

is probably the trite answer,

but also maybe the true one.

[laughs]

[gasps] Oh, no.

My camera.

The Nikon?

Yeah. I--

I've never seen you use that thing, like, ever.

I mean, you took it out of the box on Christmas morning,

snapped a few photos,

but I've never once seen you use it again, after.

I never have.

It's still in the box in the back of the closet.

But there are pictures of us on there.

Of him.

That I've never seen before.

And I have memorized the line of every other photograph

we have ever taken.

I know his expression in every frozen moment,

but...

those pictures would be new.

So...

that is what I would save.

[sighs]

What if they're bad?

[laughs]

Then they're bad.

They probably are.

[laughs]

But at least they'd be new.

You?

Oh, um, yeah.

Uh...

I have this box, um,

filled with stupid shit, like, um,

like the-- the ticket stub from the time

when we went to go see Ben Folds in concert.

- Mm! - Or, um,

the lanyard from Comic-Con.

You hated Comic-Con.

- I didn't hate Comic-Con. - Yes, you did.

You said it was full of sweaty cosplay nerds,

- and you hated it. - You hated Comic-Con.

I seriously hated it.

I have no idea why we stayed as long as we did.

Because you're obsessed with Nathan Fillion,

and you thought that we'd see him.

- I am not obsessed. - Okay, Ms. Browncoat.

Oh, college-era AIM handles are inadmissible!

Whatever, nerd.

Oh, uh, okay.

I think we've strayed off the topic here.

- Just-- - Yeah, okay.

- [snorts] - Sorry. [laughs]

So, yeah, I have this box, right?

And it's just filled with, like, I don't know,

like, garbage, I mean, it's like stupid shit

that Jake made, you know,

his first few days of kindergarten,

out of, like, construction paper and macaroni.

That is not stupid.

It's not anything. It's just--

Abstract art.

[laughs] Yeah.

So, yeah. Um...

And, like, you know, a copy of our wedding invitation,

and those naked Polaroids I snapped of you

the first year we were dating.

You kept those?

I feel like I should be mad,

but I just kind of want to see them.

Like, pre-baby body. Oh!

Well, I can go get the box.

- I mean, it's-- - No, no, no.

I like that they're just yours now.

[both laugh]

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner,

share what would be important for him or her to know.

- No, we are close friends. - [giggles]

Are we?

Yeah. [scoffs]

Mm... are we?

Uh, okay, not to put too fine a point on it,

but you are the single most important person

in the entire universe to me.

Okay.

But that doesn't, like, make us friends.

[scoffs]

[sighs] I guess.

I've had a lot of bourbon at this point, so...

Yeah?

All right, there's just-- I...

What?

This is not meant to be a threat.

It's not meant to...

You can say it.

I'm dead without you.

I just am.

And...

Not literally.

Right, and maybe not even permanently,

but that's what it feels like.

Hmm.

You wanna know the worst truth?

Like, the worst.

- Tell me. - Funny.

- You'll hate me after. - Hmm.

When I got the call about the accident,

I knew you were with him.

But I thought you were with him in the car.

And when I got to the hospital and I saw you,

when he was still in surgery...

my knees gave out, nearly,

because I was so...

relieved.

I'd made a bargain with God.

I ran red lights.

[laughs] I made a bargain with God,

and I said, "Just save my wife."

- "Just save my wife." - That's not a bargain.

"Take anything else you want to take.

Just save my wife."

I loved that boy.

I will...

love him...

Until the day I die.

And beyond, because he was as much a part of me

as I was of him.

But I knew before I got there,

that I could survive if he...

But not you.

I--

I couldn't survive...

losing you.

Mer.

Say something.

I can't...

even begin to know how to respond to that.

- It's a compliment. - [groans]

Sort of, I--

Merryn.

- Stop. - No.

Look, you think I don't--

I don't hate myself for feeling that way?

You think I'm unaware of how goddamned unnatural it is?

I'm sorry, okay? I wish I were a better man.

Or parent, or... I'm sorry, okay?

You know what, the thing that eats away at me?

The guilt thing that I probably shouldn't confess

is that I would trade you in a second.

I wouldn't even think twice.

You for him!

Easiest decision in the world.

Yeah.

If I could trade me, I would, too.

- Really? - [Wyatt] Yes!

Easiest decision in the world.

I just wouldn't trade anything for you.

Why? What even am I?

- I'm not anything. - Stop!

- Merryn! - I don't know what to do

with this, Wyatt!

Because you are my second favorite person

that has ever existed.

You deserve more than second place.

I will take second.

- Happily. - [Merryn sighs]

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

Are you gonna get it?

Yeah. [sighs]

Yeah.

- Do me a favor. - Hmm?

Get some, like, plates and, like, utensils and stuff.

- Mm-hmm. - [doorbell rings]

Wait, but why do we need utensils for...

pizza?

There was this whole weird negotiation thing

that took place, it was--

I-- I wanted to tip using the app, right?

And um, he was like, do you have cash?

It was super weird.

Well, I bet he gets to keep more of it, you know,

if you give him cash.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Do you wanna watch something while we eat?

No.

Okay.

Ah.

You know, we need to talk about it, or just--

- No. - Yeah.

No.

Let's just go back to the thing, okay?

[Wyatt] Okay.

[Merryn] If you're gonna become a close friend

with your partner, share what would be important

for him or her to know.

Yeah, that's assuming we aren't already close friends.

Assuming that, yes.

Um, for me, it would be important to know

that dates are important to me,

like birthdays and anniversaries,

stuff like that.

Yeah, that's... reasonable.

For me, um...

I hate being a fucking babysitter.

You know, if we're gonna go out and have a good time,

you gotta be able to take care of yourself.

And I do not want to be out

until four in the fucking morning.

Oh, we are too old for that shit.

- Way too old. - And,

I don't want to go to a club.

Ah, gross.

Let's just go to a nice, quiet wine bar.

- Or Irish pub. - And have, like,

a real conversation.

Except that I do not want to join your book club.

- [Wyatt] Hey. [laughs] - I don't need a reason to read.

It's actually just a veiled excuse

to get drunk and eat carbs.

And furthermore, I do not need you to tell me

what I think about any one particular piece of literature.

Other people are the worst.

Yeah, fuck everyone who isn't us.

[scoffing]

[laughs]

Oh, that was the last question.

Wow.

Let me see.

[indistinct]

Congratulations. You've answered all the questions.

Now for the hard part.

In order to solidify your love, you have to look into

your partner's eyes for four minutes in silence.

It's hard and you'll squirm.

But you'll learn an incredible amount.

Good luck.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

All right. Set the timer?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Okay, um, four minutes.

[sighing]

I saw the ring.

What?

In the drawer.

I was looking for utensils, which is just,

like, it doesn't matter.

But I just, I saw it.

- And you have had it cleaned. - Yes.

Yeah, and I just-- I just need to know what,

I mean--

Is it for me again or...?

[scoffing]

Who the fuck else would it be for?

[exhaling]

Why do you want to be married to me?

Because you're [indistinct].

I mean, didn't I make that clear? I--

I think the real question is

why don't you want to be married to me?

- Because of Jacob. - Don't put this on him.

If I thought you wanted to be over it, I would get it.

But you don't.

You appear to want to wallow in it for the rest of your life.

Me, I'm just glad I got to know him

for the five short years he was here.

Merryn, what a magical soul that boy was.

I will love him until the day I die and beyond.

- But you know what else? - Mm?

I want more from life than to spend it in mourning.

So do I.

Don't you think I want to get past it?

- No, I don't, Merryn. - Well, I do, just not with you.

See, this is what happens when I'm with you, Wyatt.

I love you so much.

You are so much a part of me

that I don't even know where I end.

And you begin.

And you get me.

And we are well matched.

And you make me laugh.

I want to crawl inside your skin.

I love you so much.

But you make me forget him.

Just for a moment, I forget.

And then he comes up in conversation.

Or you look at me.

And I see his eyes in your eyes.

And I remember.

And it all comes crashing back.

And that isn't even the worst part.

The worst part is the guilt that follows.

I laughed with Wyatt.

I made love with Wyatt.

Wyatt held me and I forgot.

And I cannot be happy in a world without my son.

Doesn't that mean he matters less?

Doesn't that make me just the worst, most horrible--

Mm.

The world isn't supposed to shine for me anymore.

You make it shine.

Why do you think he'd want you to spend your life sad?

I wouldn't. But if I don't give my life

over to him, then no one else will.

And it'll be like what you said before.

Like he doesn't exist.

Like he never existed at all.

So what's your plan?

So find someone else and make another family?

No, I will never have another child, but...

Yeah.

Maybe I'll find someone.

Someone kind.

Maybe not as handsome as you.

Maybe not as funny as you.

But someone who doesn't have the same eyes as my son.

Someone who doesn't have the same skin.

Someone who I can look at without my heart dropping

into the pit of my stomach.

God, Wyatt, don't you get it?

I feel guilt like a vice grip.

I feel guilty when I think about him.

How it should have been me driving that day.

And how maybe if it was, he would still be alive.

And I feel guilty when I don't think about him

because then he vanishes.

And I feel guilty when I'm with his father

because his father makes me forget and--

You know, for a while I thought

you would blame me, you know?

For switching carpool shifts.

Honestly, I hoped you'd blame me.

I felt like I deserved it, but you never did.

Of course not, Merryn. I was too busy thinking

that we should have sent him to that stupid fucking

fancy kindergarten.

Or if we lived closer to the school,

he could have taken the bus. Or if--

- If I'd stayed home... - [loud thud]

...to fucking write that day, like--

I could have driven it myself.

If it's your fault, it's mine too.

But I think we can let that go.

I think we have to let that go.

You deserve more than this.

Believe that. So...

Come back to me.

Please.

[sniffles]

No.

No.

We said we'd decide by the end of the night,

and now it's the end of the night.

And I've decided.

It's not the end.

Yeah, we answered all the questions.

It's done.

- It's not done. - What?

It's not done.

And you don't get to make a unilateral decision.

- Well, I have. - Well, you don't get to

because we said we would do everything.

We haven't done everything yet.

- What? - Four minutes at the time.

[sighing] Wyatt!

Four minutes.

Promise me you'll really try this time.

Just for this four minutes, you have to try.

- I have been trying! - Please just--

Just for this four minutes.

Be here with me.

Don't look away. Don't give up.

[indistinct]

Come on.

[chuckling]

[emotional music]

♪

["Waiting on the starts" by Robin Wynn]

♪ Sometimes I thinking just be on the curtains ♪

♪ Sometimes I'm think you're playing tricks on me ♪

♪ Cause every time I hear a sad song on the radio ♪

♪ I think I can hear you singing sweet ♪

♪ I wish you wouldn't show up in my dreaming ♪

♪ I wish you well, I wish you did miss me ♪

♪ Cause I can't imagine walking through ♪

♪ My days like this ♪

♪ Never casting eyes on you again ♪

♪ So come to me ♪

♪ Don't you run from me ♪

♪ I can't wait upon the stars no more ♪

♪ Could you please release me? ♪

♪ Could you please release me? ♪