Original subtitles

-Hey, little dude. -Hey, Cody.

The mighty sundae,

The Dean of Desserts, the King of Confections,

the Sultan of Sweets.

- You want one? - No way, man.

That stuff will rot your teeth right out of your head.

Man.

Chocolate-Mint-Chip- Fudge-Kaluah-Ripple.

Wow, Carol sprung for the el primo ice cream-o?

She didn't.

Mom's on this health food kick.

She said if we wanted any junk food,

we're gonna have to buy it ourselves.

Hey!

I bought that with my own money.

Yeah, and give me back my whipped cream.

Look, I know these are your toppings,

but I'm trying to make a sundae.

How do you guys feel about sharing?

Hey, hey, hey.

Step-dudes at war?

You know, my philosophy has always been about sharing.

Like, hey, dig it, man,

dig right in.

Cody, I've looked in your refrigerator,

and I don't recall anything that would taste good on ice cream.

Are you kidding me, man?

That's an all-day chew.

I still cannot believe that JT put glue in my conditioner.

Well...

at least it gives it more body.

Honey. Honey, look at this.

Channel 56 is looking for a part-time weekend sportscaster.

I'm thinking I might try out for that.

Good for you.

No offense, Frank, but what do you know about broadcasting,

besides "Breaker, that's a big ten-four, good buddy?"

Dana, for your information,

Frank was the announcer for his school basketball team.

That's right. Hey, you know Vin Scully?

People said if I had a better voice, I'd sound just like him.

I'm sure you were great, Frank.

Because that's what their competition did.

Channel 31's ratings went right through the roof

when they fired their weatherman

I love that pig.

Hot today.

That's exactly my point. Everybody loves a pig.

That's why every station in town is trying to find

the next Farmer Fred.

Well, hot dang, Frank.

and you can be a TV star.

-Frank, are you nervous? -I'm not nervous.

-You seem kind of nervous. -Well, I'm not nervous.

-All right. -Excuse me,

we're looking for Jack Pennington.

You found him.

Well, I'm Frank Lambert

Like I don't know that.

You're a little late, Frank.

Why don't you come up here, have a seat.

-Okay. -Here's the copy.

Wow.

It's just like a real TV show.

You're on the air in 45 seconds.

On the air? You...

You mean, this is live?

Of course. It's the only way

I can tell if you can handle the job.

You would not believe how nervous some guys get

when they realize they're talking to ten thousand people.

Ten thousand people?

Thirty seconds.

Try breathing.

It helps.

Okay, here we go.

Excuse me,

Under the desk.

three... two... cue music.

Cue announcer.

Good afternoon, and welcome to weekend sports update.

And now, here's the latest from the world of sports.

Psst.

Frank, Frank.

-What? -You're on!

Jeez.

Hello, sports fans.

Date, update.

Let's move to some college scores.

A major upset in the Big Ten today, Purdue thirty-four.

And, Michigan,

Well less than 34. That's why they lost.

And from some other scores around the country,

there's, 41 to 22, 16 to 12,

28 to 4 and, 13 to 7.

And the...

Hey. Hey, look, it's dad.

He must have gotten that sportscasting job.

Wow, he's sweating like a pig.

Yeah, he looks like he's gonna hurl.

I'm really dry. Do you have something else to drink?

You're on the air!

Okay.

In other sports...

-Come here. Here. -What?

Just put him in the cross hairs like a deer.

In the NHL today,

the Detroit Redwings traded a guy named...

Well, he had two "P"s in his name, anyway,

and, for another guy,

with a "L" and, and a "Z."

Well, this just in.

"Go to commercial, you dope."

We'll have more on this, late-breaking story

right after these messages.

Clear.

-Frank, are you okay? -I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

-What are you looking for? -I just need...

-I just need... -What?

I need some water.

- Where's he going? - For some water.

He'll be back in a couple of minutes.

A couple of minutes?

I just wanted him to catch his breath

so he didn't have a heart attack.

- Okay. Come on. - What?

-What? -Come here.

-What? -Sit down.

-You read the sports. -Me?

I don't know anything about sports.

You can't be any worse than Water Boy.

Here we go. You ready?

-I can't do it. I can't do it. -four... three...

Hi.

I'm Carol, Frank's wife.

And, he's not here right now because he needed a drink.

Of water.

while Frank was, um, reading the scores.

So messy.

Well, okay.

"The Minnesota Gophers,"

"dug a big hole for themselves, and lost to Iowa,

"forty-two to seventeen."

I get it.

That's kind of cute.

"And the California Bears

mauled the Oregon Ducks fifty-two to nothing."

That isn't very fair, though, is it?

You know, a bear against a duck?

You know, I always thought

like the Cardinals and the Robins, and the Ducks,

and then put all the meat-eaters in another league,

you know, like the Lions and Tigers and Bears.

"Lions and tigers and bears." My.

Anyway, that's all for today.

So, if you want more highlights...

Use a rinse.

Well, I'm Carol, Frank's wife. Bye.

And we're out.

Okay, I feel better now, Jack. Let's go.

Well, Frank, I already put this baby to bed.

What?

Well, they had to go on the air,

Jeez, honey,

I hope you didn't blow this job for me.

Well, I'm sold.

You're hired.

Well, thank you very much.

Not you, Aquaman.

You bombed. She was cute.

Cute sports. I like it.

It's new, it's different. See you next Saturday.

Well...

What do you know?

You come here to audition for a job,

I end up getting it.

Isn't that funny?

There's no sense keeping all your anger bottled up inside.

I am not angry.

I am not taking this job.

-Yes, you are. -No, I am not.

Yes, you are. I want you to take it.

Why would I want this job? I don't even like sports.

Because if you don't take it, you'll make me feel guilty,

and I don't want you laying that stuff on me.

-What stuff? -As if you didn't know.

Frank, don't be ridiculous. I am not taking this job

-Yes, you are. -No, I'm not

Fine, Frank, have it your way. I'll take the job.

You would.

And do you know why, Carol?

Because you're a taker.

That's right, a taker.

You take, take, take, take.

You take my razor blades, you hog all the covers,

Well, don't think I don't notice those things, because I do.

I'm just too big a person to mention it.

And another thing.

Cupcakes.

Freeze, dirtbag.

Put your hands in the air and step away from the cupcake.

What are you? The food police?

That's right.

I got this whole place staked out.

Help! She's going to kill me for an Eskimo pie!

Give me that thing before I rake your face.

Help!

You put that rake away when you're done with it.

Hey, Cody.

Hey, Uncle Frank.

You know those warning labels they put on aerosol cans,

"Do not use near open flame?"

Those guys know what they're talking about.

Yeah. Sometimes I wish marriages came with a warning label.

Why? Are you still having a melee with the missus?

Yeah. She took my broadcasting job, Cody.

And that's grabby, small-minded, and, and selfish.

Hey, hold on there a minute, Uncle Frank.

Back up the bus, okay?

That don't sound like Carol at all.

Yeah, I know. It's starting to sound more like me.

I mean, it was a part-time job on a local TV station.

Why am I taking it so hard?

Yeah, well, I know,

I just don't know what it is.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know, sometimes when you look at these problems

from an odd perspective...

You can see things that nobody else can see.

Well, I'm willing to try anything.

All right, let me just clear out my mind.

My mistake, it was already clear.

That's cool. It will make our job a lot easier.

I got it.

she'll get to meet Vince Lombardi before you do.

Cody, Vince Lombardi's dead.

Why didn't you say that in your sports report?

That's a pretty big story, don't you think?

Listen, Cody, maybe I better just

work this out on my own, okay?

I got it. I got it. I got it. Okay, dig it.

You had a dream.

You wanted to go for that big brass ring.

You could'a been a contender.

You could'a had class.

You could'a been somebody,

instead of a bum. Which is what...

Sorry, Uncle Frank. Your not a bum.

Aw, man, I was watching this Brando flick last night.

I guess it kinda got stuck in my brain.

Really?

You wanted to be a prizefighter

No, no, but I did have a dream once.

I'm going to go talk to Carol.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Carol, I've been acting like a jerk lately,

and I think I might have figured out why.

Okay.

like most small-town kids.

I thought I'd either go to work for my father, or,

you know, get a local job. Which was okay with me.

But then, I got to announce the basketball games at school,

I thought, gee, maybe I could be a sportscaster.

Be... famous. You know, be a contender.

But then I got out of school,

and married my first wife, and had the kids.

I just sort of forgot about the dream.

And then this channel 56 thing came up.

And then the dream came back.

Yeah.

But I guess I'm just always going to be kind of an average guy.

Frank,

you're anything but average.

from nothing into a success?

And would an average guy marry a woman with three kids

and raise them as his own?

And would the average guy work so hard to make me so happy?

I don't consider that work.

That's because you're not average.

As far as I'm concerned, Frank, you're a superstar.

Okay, everybody, this is an official notice.

These are my banana cream pies.

Who cares about your pies?

We've got Mark's pudding.

All right, you little scavengers,

this is our Chinese food.

So just keep your grubby little paws off it.

Relax, Barky, nobody cares about your puppy chow.

Hey, that's my chocolate pudding!

That's my jelly doughnut. Hand it over.

Not until you give me my chocolate pudding.

Looks like she got the jelly part of her doughnut anyway.

-Hey, Mark. -What?

Hey, you can't do that to my brother.

Yeah, right.

You don't have the guts.

Yeah, you're too chicken.

Big mistake.

Okay, this is war.

I don't have anything.

Boy, nothing works up an appetite

I can't see! I can't see!

I don't believe this.

What are you dudes doing?

You guys are throwing food around like a bunch of six-year-olds.

If you dudes don't have the common decency to treat this house with respect,

you guys are never gonna get treated like adults here.

Is anybody else here as sick

as I am about the Codeman, here, always being right?

Cool.

Kung Pao cream pie.

Honey, do we have to watch it?

Come on, it will be fun.

All right, let's see who's making a sap of themselves today.

And now, here's the latest from the world of sports.

Yo, sports dudes.

Okay, the Charlotte Hornets beat the Milwaukee Bucks today.

Man, I can believe that.

Those hornets are tough.

Stung my butt three times before I finally nailed it with a hammer.

But that's not the worst thing that ever crawled into my shorts.

Hey. Hey, who turned out the lights?

Hello?

Hello?