Original subtitles

Bambi, babe, J.T. Lambert here.

Hey, listen, Bam,

how'd you like to go to the prom

with the studliest guy in the class?

Hello?

What does she know, she's named after a deer.

Hey, J.T., you know, don't take this personally,

but you've been shot down fifty times.

You know, maybe you're not the studliest guy in the class.

What am I gonna do to get a date to the prom?

I don't know, let's think about this.

Now, who's really popular with the chicks?

Dude, I got it.

Joey Lawrence. There you go.

All you gotta do is get a flannel shirt,

tie it around your waist, and cut a hit record.

Man, the chicks will be crawling all over you.

Dude, I ought to be the host on Love Connection.

- Hi, Cody. - Hey. Hey, hey.

Any luck finding a date to the senior prom, J.T.?

No.

Well, that's okay. I'm not going to the prom either.

Of course, that's because I'm going steady with a college guy.

So, I won't be humiliated being alone like you.

Hey, I saw a dead possum out on Route Twelve.

Maybe you could ask her.

Nah, she'd probably turn you down.

Yeah, like the guys

want to take your bony butt somewhere?

Well, as a matter of fact,

I'm going with the most gorgeous guy

in the senior class, Jeff Brock.

Jeff Brock! No way. He's dating Pam Taylor.

Correction.

He was dating Pam Taylor.

Unbelievable.

He dumped a cheerleader with an incredible body,

to go out with Francis the Talking Mule?

You know, J.T.,

there's a lot more to life than just big pompoms.

Not for me.

Hi.

Brendan, what happened to you?

I got in a fight.

See, Lester Tubman was copying off my paper,

so I called him a cheater.

Then he shoves me,

so I popped him in the nose.

Did you drop him?

Because that would be bad if you did, son.

Yes, violence never solves anything.

You're just saying that because you're a girl.

Girls never fight.

But that's not true. When I was your age,

I used to fight all the time.

Especially if somebody insulted my family.

My eyeballs would bulge out, my nostrils would flair,

I'd turn into a mean, lean, fighting machine.

Cool. Go beat up Lester.

No, Brendan.

But he called me a boogerhead.

Look, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I will invite the Tubmans over this weekend.

We'll get to know each other

and we'll work this out in a civilized manner, okay?

Man, sometimes I wish Carol

was one of those women from American Gladiators.

So do I.

Hi, Frank. Hi, honey.

Good news. I got one of those New York cheesecakes

for when the Tubmans come over.

Now, Carol,

now why do we have to make a whole evening of this?

You know, Frank, if more people sat down

and spent a little time together,

there'd be fewer problems in the world.

Now, now what are you telling me, Carol?

That if there were more coffee and cheesecake in the Middle East,

they wouldn't be shooting scuds at each other?

Well, maybe.

Son, you look wonderful.

Yeah, I guess I kind of look

like a young George Hamilton.

Phil set me up with his sister.

A swimsuit model.

J.T. You know, prom night

is filled with so many magical memories.

Getting dressed up, dancing under the stars,

swaying to the music,

slipping into the backseat of Steve Burke's Chevy,

kissing all...

Of course, you'll have to make your own memories.

Dana.

You look so beautiful.

Yeah.

You're definitely going to win the best of breed contest.

Sending out a mating call for your date, J.T.?

I am so sick of you two arguing.

Now, just shut up and let me get a picture

of this beautiful moment?

Darn. No time for that picture.

Hi, Dana. Come on in.

Um, this is Jeff Brock.

Jeff, this is my mother, Carol,

and that's my stepfather, Frank.

- Hi. - Hi.

And that is something we scraped off some old cheese.

Hey, J.T.

Hey, Jeff.

You know, it's really nice of you to take Dana out.

Especially with that mystery rash she has.

Ignore the talking rat, Jeff.

Come on, your boutonniere is in the kitchen.

Dad, did I mention my date is a swimsuit model?

About 500 times.

I hope she's wearing a grass skirt

and a couple of coconuts.

Hey, J.T.

Phil, my man.

- Mrs. Lambert. Mr. Lambert. - Hi.

Where's Debbie?

Debbie? She's working in Barbados.

You said you were going to set me up with her.

No, I said I'd set you up with my sister.

And I did.

My other sister.

Eleanor?

Hi, J.T.

Hi.

Excuse me.

Doofus!

How could you fix me up with Eleanor?

She's only 13.

You thought I was gonna fix you up with Debbie?

Get real. She knows Mick Jagger.

I'll go warm up the car.

Debbie? What a bonehead!

Come on in.

Well, Eleanor.

That's such a nice dress. Is it new?

Yeah, and I got my first bra today, too. See?

But don't get any ideas, J.T.

I'm not a nympho.

Somebody please shoot me.

Well, we're ready to go.

Who's this?

Hi, I'm Eleanor.

She's J.T.'s date for the prom.

Well, this is like a dream come true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eleanor, your corsage.

It's in the kitchen. I'll get it.

Hurry back.

Sure.

Hey, man, major monkey suit, dude.

You look just like a young George Hamilton.

Cody, I'm a dead man.

Phil set me up with his 13-year-old sister.

I'm gonna go see if I can throw myself in front of a bus.

Aw, no, dude.

Hey, man, if you ditch her,

you'll scar her little heart for life.

Cody, she's just a kid, she'll forget about it.

No, she won't, bro.

Hey, look, if you dump her,

it'll be like that Fatal Attractionmovie, man.

She'll start following you around,

and saying stuff like,

"I will not be ignored."

Then she's gonna terrorize your family,

boil your bunny, and end up floating face up in a bathtub.

All because you wouldn't take her to the prom.

I can live with that.

Come on, J.T., dude. Come here.

Take a look at her.

Aw, look, she got herself all dressed up for you.

Look, she did her hair, stuffed her bra.

Look, man, she even got a little purse

to match her little shoes.

Come on, be a dude.

Now take her to the prom, man.

Man.

Come on, J.T., let's go hit the dance floor.

I want to see what you've got.

They make such a cute couple.

All right, Brendan, if Lester goes for you,

just kick him where I told you.

Then stand back because

he's gonna hurl.

And if that doesn't work,

there's always the ancient art of Tae kwon do.

Ha-sa-yah!

Okay, knock it off.

This is not a Steven Seagal movie, okay?

Now, both of you, upstairs.

Okay.

That must be the Tubmans.

Well, hi, you must be the Tubmans.Hi.

Come on in.

Hi.

I'm Carol Lambert.

And this is my husband, Frank.

Floyd and Ethel Tubman and Lester.

Folks, we're really sorry about the boys' fight.

Yes, it was all Lester's fault.

He never should have cheated or shoved Brendan.

Well, I'm sure if the boys

apologize to each other and shake hands,

we can put this whole episode behind us. Son?

I'm sorry I punched your lights out, Lester.

I'm sorry I cheated off your paper.

Especially since all the answers were wrong.

So, I guess we'll be on our way.

Well, do you have to? I was hoping you would stay.

We'll get to know each other.

I have some New York cheesecake.

Cheesecake?

Well, I don't see how we can pass that up.

- Well, come on in then. - Okay.

Hey, do you guys want to play Monopoly?

Yeah.

Well, if the boys would be happy doing that,

let me get the game here.

I get to be the top hat, though.

Well, Frank, why don't you and I get the cake and coffee.

And Brendan, you set up the game.

Okay, honey. Okay.

Don't forget, though, I'm the top hat. The guy with the hat.

Tell you what, sport.

Why don't you help your folks

and we'll set up the game.

Okay.

Okay, honey, hide some hotels,

I'll stock up on money.

Get yourself some hundreds, son.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Where is the bathroom?

It's upstairs. Come on, I'll show you.

Four. One, two, three, and four.

"Free Parking." I win the kitty, honey!

Great, honey!

Ethel, Ethel, Ethel. What?

You rolled a four there, but you moved five spaces.

No, that was four. I get the money.

Yeah, it was four.

Carol, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute, honey?

Sure. Yeah.

Excuse us.

What?

They're cheating. They're moving too many spaces,

and I think they stole a couple of the railroads.

They are not cheating.

You know, you are just mad

because they wouldn't let you be the hat.

See, they cheated right there.

Honey, I had dibs on that hat,

and they took it from me.

And now I have to be an iron and that's a girl's piece.

Frank, grow up.

Now, come on. Adults do not cheat at board games.

Honey.

Carol, it's your turn.

How did this happen?

What?

Our money is gone,

and your side of the board looks like Miami Beach.

We bought some hotels.

Come on, Tubman, you stole our money,

you cleaned out the bank,

you ate my cheesecake!

No. No, I didn't.

Then who ate it?

I don't know.

Maybe you have rats.

This is ridiculous.

No wonder your son, Lester, cheats at school.

Just a minute.

Are you saying that my son is a cheater?

Yes!

Yeah, you're a bunch of cheaters.

You're a whole family of cheaters.

Let me tell you people something.

I would rather be a cheater

than a sniveling little tattletale

like that crybaby son of yours.

Hey.

Are you calling my son a crybaby?

Yes. I'm calling your son a crybaby.

And a mama's boy.

Don't insult my family.

Aw, jeez, honey, now your nostrils are flaring.

I don't like it when people insult my family.

Really?

Well, if you didn't want people to insult your family,

why'd you marry a blockheaded jerkwater like him?

Honey, you are kind of like

one of those American Gladiatorwomen.

Thank you.

No.

My ex-girlfriend just walked in.

Now I don't know whether to pretend I didn't see her, or what.

Why don't you just go and say hello.

Otherwise, you're gonna feel uncomfortable all night.

Good idea. I'll be right back.

Come on, J.T., I want some punch.

Hey, there, party animals,

having a good time?

The best.

I hope this night lasts forever.

It already has.

A slow dance.

Let's dance close, like lovers do.

I really missed you, Jeff.

I really missed you, too.

We never should have broken up.

It was a big mistake.

I want to get back together... Tonight.

Well, I'm kind of here with someone else.

Well, ditch her.

Okay.

What?

J.T., did you hear that?

Yeah. Looks like Barky's gonna get the old heave ho.

How can you say something like that?

Getting dumped is very painful.

How would you feel if I dumped you?

I'd be crushed.

You've got to go help her.

Why?

Because she's your sister and families stick together.

Now, be a man

and go help her in her time of need.

Go! Go, go, go! Go!

Dana?

I don't know how to say this, but...

Jeff's gonna dump you.

Very funny, Caveboy.

This is your pathetic little way

of trying to get back at me for making fun of you.

No, I... Excuse me.

I see my date.

Dana?

J.T.,

I really don't need any grief right now.

I know. I know.

I just came to tell you that Jeff guy's a real jerk.

No.

I'm a jerk for thinking

he'd want to go out with me instead of Pam Taylor.

All right, the spotlight dance is about to begin,

led by our Student Body President, Dana Foster.

Great.

This is perfect. Now everybody's gonna know

what a complete fool I am.

Dana, you're not a fool.

You just picked the wrong guy

to go to the prom with.

I'm going to be totally humiliated.

Dana, I'm here with a 13-year-old.

I think I know a bit about humiliation.

Look...

I know you're kind of stuck, so...

How about for the spotlight dance...

You let me be your escort?

You would do that for me?

After all the things that I've said about you?

Hey, your insults don't bother me.

J.T., I've called you a greaseball,

a lowlife, a scum, ape-boy...

Okay, all right, fine, fine.

They bother me a little bit.

But you know, I just figure you're just teasing me

the way I tease you.

Dana, we really need you for the spotlight dance.

So, what do you say?

Once around the dance floor with old "ape-boy?"

Thanks, J.T.

No problem, Barky.

Knuckle-dragger.

Fish-face.

Mouthbreather.

"I will not hit anyone."

"I will not hit anyone."

I will...

Carol, I know what'll cheer you up.

Let's go out and get some ice cream.

Nope. Nope. I have decided to ground myself for a week.

Come on, isn't it enough

you're writing, "I will not hit anyone,"

five thousand times?

Nope.

No TV, no sweets, no pleasure of any kind.

No pleasure of any kind? Honey...

You don't mean...

Frank, how could I possibly enjoy myself

after what I've done?

I didn't hit anybody.