Original subtitles

Brendan, what are you doing?

Making chocolate milk.

Well, where's the milk?

I already drank it.

Hey, Dana,

you're real smart. Let me ask you a question. Now,

why is it that our fingernails

aren't on the other side of our fingers?

I mean, hey,

it'd be a lot better for digging, for scratching.

Hey, it'd be easier to play my banjo, right?

Cody, somewhere,

a family of potatoes is searching for their lost son.

No way, the potato family lost their son?

That's so sad.

Life stinks.

Yeah,

you heard about that poor potato family, too?

No.

I went to the library to write a report on Abraham Lincoln,

but all the books on Lincoln are checked out.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't we go right to the source. Talk to Abe Lincoln himself.

Cody,

maybe the news hasn't reached you yet

but Abraham Lincoln has been dead

for over a hundred years.

A hundred and twenty nine years, to be exact.

Hey, he was assassinated April 15, 1865.

It was a Friday. Good Friday to be exact.

I guess it wasn't a very good Friday for Abey though, was it?

Come on, Cody. How am I supposed to talk to a dead guy?

That's the easy part.

We go see Madame Sonya.

Psychic adviser extraordinaire,

channeler of famous dead people, and keys made while you wait.

Hey,

maybe she can help that potato family find their lost son.

Jackson!

I'm living on the set of "Hee Haw."

Carol,

do I have to be here? I mean,

this is a woman's store.

Can't I go to Sears and

pet a power tool or something.

Come on, Frank,

you're taking me out to dinner and I want a new dress. This is a very special birthday.

Why? Cause it's your fortieth?

What?

Do you have to announce it to the whole store?

What, that you're turning forty?

okay, I'm just gonna go sit over here and listen to the game, okay?

Very elegant. Thank you.

It's for a special occasion. Could I try this on?

Of course. The size eights are here.

Size eight?

Thank you, but,

I'm a size six.

Well, you can try a six,

but it will probably be a little snug around the...

You know.

Well, thanks, but my,

you know, is a six.

Of course it is.

Follow me.

Take this dressing room. Thank you.

What's the occasion?

It's my birthday.

Really? Which one is it?

Thirty-five.

Well, enjoy the next five years,

cause when you hit forty,

gravity really kicks in.

What do you mean?

Well, I used to be really thin.

Then, the year I turned forty,

ka-boom.

So,

how's that fitting?

Well,

this style must run a little, small.

Wait 'til you're forty.

They all run small.

This forty thing, does it happen all at once?

Like I said,

"ka-boom."

Cody, you know, I don't know about this.

I mean, I'm not really into this psychic mumbo jumbo.

Man, Madame Sonya's totally awesome.

She knows everything. Hey,

we've got an eleven o'clock appointment, right?

I bet she already knows we're here.

Cody?

What'd I tell ya'? Totally awesome.

Welcome. Enter, enter.

Boy, I love this place.

Supernatural, yet like home.

Hey, Madame Sonya, this is my cousin--

Don't tell me. Your name is...

Trudi.

It's Al.

A ha! But your parents thought

about naming you Trudi! You did not know that, did you?

Dude! Is she good, or what?

So, Madame Sonya, how's business?

Not so good.

That is why I am branching out.

In addition to seeing all and

knowing all, and making keys,

I am now a purveyor of non fat

frozen yogurt.

Do you like Berry Berry Strawberry?

Totally, but we're here to contact President Abraham Lincoln.

You're in luck. I am having a special.

I will contact

any three dead presidents

or any three men named Abraham.

Your choice, ten dollars.

And that includes a free topping on your next yogurt.

You know what? You better just beam down Lincoln.

Very well, five bucks,

including a small frozen yogurt.

But no topping. I'm not giving it away, you know.

Listen, Madame Sonya,

I'm sure you're a wonderful key maker and you're very generous

with your toppings, but,

I really don't go in for this supernatural kind of stuff.

You know, that's exactly what I used to think,

then Madame Sonya beamed down Cleopatra.

Ha ha, talk about walking like an Egyptian.

Me and her all day.

What the heck.

Dude, that's the spirit.

Do not use the word "spirit" lightly.

You speak of the great beyond, which is great and...

beyond. You got that five spot?

Sure, totally. Hey,

Totally. Hey, that's the dude we're looking for, right there.

Yes, yes,

I know this man.

Come, come, sit.

Sit. We will bring him into the room.

Yeah. Let us all concentrate.

And focus our energies and reach out

and touch someone.

Okay,

Abraham Lincoln!

Abie, Abie, bo baby, banana fana fo fabie,

me my mo mabie, Abie.

Yeah. Let's do Lincoln. Everybody.

Lincoln, Lincoln, bo bincoln,

banana fana fo fincoln,

me my mo mincoln.

Lincoln. Yeah, all right, totally.

There he is.

Who? Lincoln, Lincoln, bo-bincoln.

Yeah, right.

No, not another psychic.

You know, I just was in the middle of playing Pebble Beach.

You know, if I don't get my cart back by five o'clock, I lose my deposit.

Wow.

He is so gnarly.

Yes, yes,

I-- I feel Lincoln's presence.

He's right here by the piano.

No, Madame.

He's over here by the ice cream machine.

Yes, I sensed that.

Hey,

Mr. President, Lincoln, dude... check it out.

Al, my cousin, is doing a report on you for school, man, and so,

she'd like to ask you a couple questions.

Okay, Al, shoot. Hey, geez!

Don't say "shoot" around me.

Sorry, dude.

Poor choice of words?

Guess he's still, a little shook up about that theater incident.

Cody, I don't see who you're talking to.

This is just getting too weird.

I'm gonna wait outside.

Gee, man.

Well, I tell ya, I'm not going to miss an opportunity to

have a little chin wag with the first Republican President. Ha ha.

Hey, Mr. President, now,

what was your greatest disappointment of the 20th century?

Cancellation of "The Facts of Life." Tootie was a riot.

Totally.

One, two and firm and tone.

Doesn't this feel great, Mom?

Yeah. I haven't had this much fun since childbirth.

Mom, a negative attitude

is not going to help you lose the five pounds you want to lose.

Now, let's start those tummy crunches.

Lie on your back and

do as many as you can until you feel like you're going to pass out.

Maybe I should borrow Frank's shop vac

and try a little home liposuction.

nothing like a major sugar rush to kick your day into gear.

Aw, shut up.

Mom, I know you're working very hard to lose weight,

but face it, you're fighting a losing battle with Father Time.

Mark, you're not helping.

I'm just stating a medical fact.

As the body ages,

it's harder for the amino acids to burn up fatty deposits.

Mark, I suggest you leave

before I kick you in your fatty deposits.

I'm out of here.

I wouldn't go in there, Frank.

Not without a whip and a chair.

Carol, you exercising again?

Why are you torturing yourself?

I am not torturing myself.

I am getting into shape

and I'm having fun doing it.

But, you don't need to do it, honey. You look great.

You're just saying that because you're my husband.

No, no, honey, I'm not.

If you were a totally strange woman walking down the street,

I'd come up to you and say, "You look great!"

So what are you saying, Frank?

You walk up to strange women and tell them you're attracted to them?

Yeah, there's nothing friendlier than a woman on a diet.

I'm going for a walk, honey.

I'll be back in about a month.

Okay, I'm going to get us some mineral water.

Turn on the TV. It's time for my favorite show,

"Rump Busters." Ha-hee.

Hi. Welcome to "Rump Busters,"

the show that helps you kiss your rump good bye.

If you work hard, you too, can look just like Tammy here.

Yeah, right. Tammy's twenty two.

Hey, Tammy, wait until you have a couple of kids.

You'll be dragging that butt behind you in a wagon.

We'll begin our workout right after this message.

Hi, I'm Dr. Leonard Weltman,

of the Weltman Weight Loss Clinic.

Do you want to lose weight and look great?

Then try SkinnyTabs!

The diet pill that's as safe as coffee.

I take them myself.

SkinnyTabs!

Call the number on your screen, now!

Yeah, hello, SkinnyTabs?

Yeah, I'd like to kiss my rump good bye.

Okay,

Good morning, good morning, good morning,

good morning, good morning, good morning.

Good morning, everybody.

Well, good morning here's your breakfast. Bacon eggs,

toast juice, pancakes, waffles and home fries.

If you'd like something else, I could whip up a ratatouille.

I just feel like chopping something today.

Is it just me, or does she seem like the Tasmanian Devil on Jolt cola.

It's the SkinnyTabs.

It says they're safe, but,

I can hear her heart beating from all the way over here.

Honey? Yeah?

Maybe you shouldn't be taking those things.

Why? They're safe as coffee.

See? "Safe as coffee." Safe as coffee.

Would you like some coffee? I can grind some beans.

Now, you have to be careful with diet pills

because I've heard they can be addictive.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I read the warning on the box.

It says, "If dizziness, fainting, vomiting, numbness, temporary blindness or

hair loss occur, consult your physician." See?

They are perfectly safe. Ha-ha.

Okay, well.

I'm going to drive to the fabric store because I want to make new curtains

for the whole house today. Ha ha.

I hope she doesn't burn up on re-entry.

Cool.

Hey, Cody.

I got an "A" on my Abraham Lincoln report.

Man! That's so killer!

I guess that little trip to Madame Sonya's paid off?

Yeah, well, in a strange way, it did.

Even though I didn't actually believe Abe was in the room,

it made me think, "What if Abraham Lincoln were alive today?"

"What would he think about our society?"

Yeah, that's a killer idea.

Dude, let me see your paper.

Man, old Abe's gonna flip when he sees this.

Especially if you put in the part about Tootie. Ha-ha.

Cody, you do know that

Abe was just a figment of your imagination.

He wasn't really there.

Well, now you see, Al,

reality is a rather empirical thing.

Now, take this ice cream for example.

Now, if I believe

this is pistachio,

then for me it's pistachio,

even if for somebody else, it's butter brickle.

Yeah. Cody, it's chocolate.

Well, sure, to you. Ha ha.

That's exactly my point, see.

Different people see things different ways.

Although, I haven't yet met anybody who sees things my way.

Thanks for your help, Cody.

Excuse me.

Don't bother apologizing to her, Abe.

She thinks you're a figment of my imagination.

I'm dead. What do I care what she thinks?

So, let me ask you a question.

Does it tick you off that they keep raising income taxes?

I don't mind paying my fair share.

See, I don't get it.

FDR taxes everybody like crazy,

they call him a hero.

I free the slaves, I get shot in the head.

If I were alive today, I'd skip politics completely and open up a Lube N Tune.

Dude, you are exactly the way I thought you'd be.

Except for the Brooklyn accent. He-He-Ha.

Hey,

no guns, please.

Sorry, dude.

Carol?

Honey?

Hi, Frank.

Carol, it's three o'clock in the morning. Where have you been?

At the grocery store. See, I was up anyway,

and I'd already waxed the floor and polished the silver,

so I thought I'd go to the grocery store and beat the crowds. You know,

the lines are very short at the market this time of night.

Well, of course they are, honey. Everyone's home sleeping.

Well, they don't know what they're missing.

The produce comes in at exactly two forty five and I got first shot at these cucumbers.

Would you take a look at these beauties? I can't wait to make a salad.

Do you want a salad, Frank? Or maybe you'd like a seven layer cake?

I just feel like baking today. Hey, Carol.

Carol, now these SkinnyTabs are making you crazy. I want you to stop taking them.

You are just jealous because I've got more energy than you.

You've got more energy than Wisconsin Electric.

Now, give them to me. No.

No, they make me feel good and I've already lost three pounds.

Carol, they're dangerous and you're becoming addicted to them.

I am not. Then give them to me.

Carol, give it to me. No.

You are out of control. No, they are not--

No, I am not out of control.

I'm losing weight

and I'm getting a lot done

and it is all because of these pills. And I'm not addicted to them,

I just need them!

My God. What am I doing?

Honey, it's okay.

I mean, these things can

hook you before you ever know it.

I can't believe I talked myself into believing these diet pills were okay.

I mean, if Dana

or Karen took them, I would just go crazy.

I guess,

I guess, I just got so scared about turning forty, that

I went too far.

Well, what's so scary about turning forty?

I don't know, you just

start to gain weight

and your body starts to sag and

you don't look good anymore.

Carol, you are a beautiful woman.

And you know why?

Because you've got a great heart,

and you're smart,

and funny, and caring,

and I love you for the person you are on the inside.

Don't get me wrong, I love the outside, too.

If you ever need to burn up any of that extra energy,

I'm your man.

Sweetheart, if your looks would go tomorrow,

you'd still be the most beautiful woman in the world,

to me.

Frank, I love you.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

You'd probably get up in the middle of the night

and re roof the house or something.

Happy Birthday, dear Carol. Happy Birthday, dear Mom.

Happy Birthday to you.

Thank you.

Okay, Mom. Make a wish.

Okay, um,

Alright.

Okay, you guys, help me.

Open your presents, Mom. All right.

okay.

Look, this one's from Cody.

Yeah, check it out.

These are historical memorabilia.

Look. It's a

scorecard from Pebble Beach Golf Course.

Check out the foursome who played that round of golf.

Abe Lincoln, George Washington,

Teddy Roosevelt and Elvis Presley.

Yeah.

Three presidents and king. Not bad?

Well, Cody, this is really

unbelievable.

Tell me about it. Abe Lincoln shot a sixty seven at Pebble Beach?

So much for that "Honest Abe" thing.