Original subtitles

Hey, dudes, what are you doing?

Just rustling up a couple of low fat turkey dogs.

The mighty turkey dog.

The monarch of meat snacks.

The titan of tubesteaks. The Schwarzenegger of sausages.

Would you like one, Cody?

No way. I tried a couple of those suckers once.

Shot through me like a herd of buffalo.

Maybe I'll just have an apple.

Hey, guys.

Listen, I need some help for my psychology class.

I have to study a member of our family

and write a profile on them.

Any volunteers?

Me! Pick me! I'll do it!

Pick me! Come on, come on, come on!

Karen?

I'm sorry, I'd like to help,

but, I have a big history paper to write this week.

Come on, come on, come on!

Pick me! I'll do it!

Come on! Me, me, me! Come on!

Mark?

Sorry, Sis. Puberty's hit me big time.

There are things in my mind that shouldn't be aired in public.

Come on, come on! Me, me, me!

Pick me! I'm the one! Come on, me!

Come on, come on! Pick me, me!

Come on.

Cody, would you like to volunteer?

Well, you know me, I'd love to help,

but, I'm kind of busy right now.

JT, can I talk to you for a minute?

Honey, not now, not now.

JT's gonna miss this field goal

and I'm gonna win the Super Bowl.

Choke, choke, choke, choke...

Hey!

All right!

"JT Lambert, you just won the Super Bowl.

"What are you gonna do now?"

I'm going to Disneyland!

Gee, I hate to interrupt this great moment in sports history,

but, I was cleaning up the boys' room

and I found these college application forms

stuffed under JT's bed.

I'm sorry, Carol.

They shouldn't have been there.

I meant to throw them away.

Throw them away?

Yeah. I'm not going to college.

JT, you have to go to college.

Frank, tell him he has to go to college.

Well, honey, the kids and I have talked about this.

And JT knows that I don't agree

with forcing a kid to go to college.

I mean, there's other choices you can make.

You can go to a trade school, you can get a job.

So, son, what're your plans?

I don't know. You know, hang out,

catch up on some sleep,

watch a little tube.

So, basically, you plan to be a bum?

Well, yeah. I guess you could call it that.

See, here's my philosophy:

Instead of retiring when I'm too old and decrepit to enjoy it,

I'm gonna retire now, and get a job when I'm a geezer.

Well, son, here's my philosophy:

Either you're gonna go to some type of school, or you're getting a job.

And if you're gonna continue to live here, you're paying rent.

Rent? But, you're my dad.

I'm your dad 'til you're 18, then I'm your landlord.

All right, fine, fine.

I'll fill out these stupid college application forms.

Man, forcing a kid to get an education.

What kind of parents are you?

Hi, Dana. Want to go to the library?

No, I'm waiting for Cody.

We're going to get started on my psychology project.

I don't get it. I thought you didn't want Cody to be your subject.

I didn't, but, then I had an interesting realization.

My grade is based on my assessing the subject's mental state,

and Cody is a fruitcake.

This is gonna be the easiest "A" I ever got in my life.

Paging Doctor Danaburger.

Paging Doctor Danaburger.

Your one 1:00 o'clock appointment is here.

Cody, where did you get that thing?

Well, I was cruising up Route 79

and I see this dude trying to thumb a ride.

Well, actually, he wasn't thumbing a ride,

he was kind of more going like this.

Well, anyway, I picked him up and I gave him a ride

and he was so grateful, he wanted to pay for the gas, you know,

but, he didn't have any money, so he gave me this really cool coat.

You're right. The paper practically writes itself.

Cody, as much as I like the way you look in that thing,

it's distracting, so take it off.

You're the doctor.

All right, let's get started.

Okay.

Well now, let's see.

My earliest memory was floating in a pool of water

with the faint sound of a heartbeat.

Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump.

Then I had to squeeze down this narrow tunnel,

and at the end,

this dude in a mask grabbed me and slapped me on the butt and said,

"It's a boy!"

Must have been about three or, four at the time.

Cody, I am not interested in your demented memoirs from the womb.

Boy, that's a relief.

Because before that narrow tunnel dealie, I don't remember squat.

Except for this one time

I remember I had a tail

and I was swimming around with about a million other dudes who looked just like me.

I wonder what ever happened to those other dudes.

Cody!

Can we begin?

Sure.

Boy, you shrinks are tense.

All right.

I'm going to say a word

and you tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Okay, all right.

Okay.

"Mother." High tension wires.

"High tension wires?"

That's what you think of when I say "mother"?

Well, sure.

All right, you know I'm always welding stuff up for my mom. Right?

Well, last year I found these awesome high tension wires

and I welded them up in a hammock for her.

Of course, she sat in it during an electrical storm,

fried off all her hair.

"Father." Fire extinguisher.

"Fire extinguisher?"

Well, yeah, sure.

When Mom caught on fire, somebody had to put her out.

Hi, Frank.

One of my customers at the beauty shop gave me this magazine

and I got a great idea for our next romantic vacation.

We can go to High Mountain Hot Springs.

That health resort where they make you eat sprouts and wrap you up in sea weed?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

We can have massages, we can even take a mud bath together. See?

Eighty five bucks for a mud bath?

Honey, I got a better idea.

I'll just turn on the hose and we can roll around in the backyard.

Come on, Frank, it'll be fun.

Besides, when I get out of that mud bath,

someone is going to have to sponge me off.

Hey, guys, break it up.

I got great news.

Remember how you said I either had to go to college or get a job?

Yeah. Well, I decided you're right.

That's great. What college are you going to apply to?

Leo's Auto World.

I'm washing cars for five bucks an hour.

Well, it's only part time right now,

but, Leo says when I finish high school,

he's gonna put me on full time.

Congratulations, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Don't look at me that way.

Honey, I know what I'm doing here.

You are going to let him wash cars instead of go to college?

Carol, JT will be outside washing cars

in 30 degree weather.

Believe me, after a couple of weeks of freezing his petoochies off,

he'll be begging us to go to college.

Well, I hope you're right.

Although, I do have one question.

What's that?

What are petoochies?

Well, hello there, sir.

And welcome.

Welcome, welcome, to Leo's Auto World.

Now, I am Leo Klemke

and, hey, you look like a man who needs a car.

Look, pal, I don't like pressure.

Hey, well, that's our motto, "No pressure."

So, look, I'll just be waiting over here by this, late model sedan

attractively priced at a mere 9500 dollars,

which, of course, includes tax and the, license.

Doing a great job.

Yeah, well, it's pretty easy to make this car look good.

Yeah, my wife took it for a test drive yesterday.

Said it ran great.

Yeah. This thing'll be running great for another ten to 15years.

Well, if you take care of it.

Well, the price tag's pretty steep.

What, are you kidding?

I've been looking in the paper

and I can't find a car like this for under ten grand.

Well, at least not in this condition.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, come here, check it out.

It's got all the original detail,

pony interior, rally wheels

and the body's perfect.

There's only one thing wrong with this car.

It needs new brake shoes.

But, that's only like a couple hundred bucks.

This baby's still a bargain.

You make a lot of sense, kid.

And you're honest.

I'll buy the car. Really?

Hey, Leo... Excellent choice, sir, excellent choice.

You know, and this little car will last you a lifetime.

Well, not a lifetime.

Well, who knows how long any of us are going to live?

Now if you'll just wait for me inside,

we'll fill out those papers

and you can drive that baby home today.

Thanks, kid.

Hey, no problem.

JT, that was brilliant.

Never have I seen such salesmanship.

I wasn't even trying to sell him the car.

Yeah, but, you sold him, didn't you?

I love this boy!

I was just telling him the truth.

Honesty. Hey, yeah. What a concept.

Okay, okay, I'll try that sometime.

Well, here you go, buddy, you just made yourself 300 bucks.

Three hundred bucks? For what?

Well, that's your commission.

I mean, you sell a car, you get paid for it.

Leo Klemke cheats no one.

Three hundred bucks.

Man, I'm never going to college.

You guys.

Break it up.

Listen, Carol, you don't have to cook dinner tonight.

JT gave us money to buy pizzas for everybody.

Wait a minute.

Where did JT get this kind of money?

Well, he sold a car down at Leo's

and he made 300 bucks.

JT says he's never going to college.

In fact, I don't think I am either.

Me, neither.

I want to be a car salesman.

Well, this is great, Frank.

Congratulations,

now you have three kids who want to be used car salesmen.

Carol, you're overreacting. Overreacting?

JT's makes a little easy money,

and now he's ready to throw his whole life away.

We have got to get him to fill out those college applications.

Honey, now I told you, I don't believe in forcing a kid to go to college.

Now, I said he could get a job or, go to school.

He got a job. I'm not going to go back on my word.

Well, what if he wakes up two years from now

and realizes he made a terrible mistake?

Then two years from now he will go to college.

Honey, not everybody's ready to go to college right out of high school.

I mean, Dana's ready. Karen will be ready.

Mark's ready now.

But, JT might be a kid who just needs a little more time.

Well, I think he's making a big mistake

and if you're not going to talk to him, Frank, than I will.

Okay, okay, we're back.

Thank you God.

What a rush.

You're so right, JT.

When I was out there, with the wind in my hair

and cussing that kid out

who cut me off,

I felt like I was 16 years old again.

You're right, Mrs. Slezak.

You're way too spunky

to be driving that old granny mobile your nephew stuck you with.

That's for sure.

What else you got to show me?

I have something that's perfect for the senior road enthusiast.

Hot diggety. Lead the way, JT.

I'd follow those cute little buns anywhere.

Hi, JT.

Hey, Carol. I'm with a customer. I'll be with you in a minute.

Hello there, ma'am! Welcome to Leo's Auto World.

I am Leo Klemke

and you look like a lady who needs a car.

No, I'm not a customer. I'm JT's stepmother.

Hey, I am proud to shake your hand.

Your stepson's a real go getter.

JT?

Yeah, you bet.

Well, he tells me you and Mr. Lambert are,

responsible for making him that way.

We are?

Yeah, you know, I wish I could do that with my kid.

I mean, four years of college,

he's working the sour cream gun at Casa Burrito.

Sixty grand on education so he can do this.

Well, I'm sure your son will find his niche.

Yeah, maybe he'll work his way up to guacamole boy.

But, JT, hey, this kid is going places.

Just watch him handle this customer.

This baby's got low mileage and comes with a one year warranty.

Sounds great. Now, let's talk safety.

Sometimes my driving is, um...

A little creative?

Creative. I like that.

The judge said reckless.

Well, see? Then that's why this baby's perfect for you.

It's got every safety feature you could ever want,

anti lock brakes, air bag, the works.

This baby's built like a tank.

And judging by the way you drive,

it might not be a bad idea.

Well, you sure know your stuff, kiddo.

Wow, he's pretty good at this.

Good? He is a natural.

You know, you and your husband must be very proud.

Leo, could you show Mrs. Slezak the safety reports on the 240 GL?

Safety reports?

Um, when, when did we get those?

They're in the consumer guide I got from the library.

They're on your desk.

Of course, of course. Safety reports.

Love this boy.

Right this way, sweetheart.

Hands off, bubble butt.

Bubble butt?

So, Carol, what brings you down here?

Well, I I just wanted to talk to you about something.

You know, I wanted to talk to you, too.

I wanted to thank you and Dad for getting me off my kiester.

I don't know if you noticed or, not, but, I used to be kind of lazy.

Well, I wouldn't say "lazy."

I would.

I don't know,

I guess since I was never any good at school,

I thought I'd never be good at anything else.

But, this job changed all that.

I mean, I'm really good at talking to people

and helping them find the cars they want.

I'm even good at keeping Leo honest.

And that's pretty much a full time job.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

this job makes me feel good about myself.

Well, I am really proud of you, JT.

I know I put a lot of pressure on you to go to college,

but, maybe your dad is right.

Maybe college is not right for you.

No. I thought I might go to college part time, you know.

Take a couple of business courses.

Maybe even some math. Math?

Well, you know, you put dollar signs in front of numbers,

they really start to mean something.

You know, JT, I get the feeling that one of these days,

this sign up here will say "JT's Auto World."

I like the sound of that.

Hey, Carol, you know, since you're here,

could I show you a car?

JT, I don't need a car.

I know, I know.

I just thought it might be fun to take one for a test drive.

It's free.

Well, I really have wanted to drive one of these custom vans.

Well, then let's take it for a spin.

There's no obligation and no pressure.

There's a TV.

Yeah.

I love this business.

Man.

Man.

Something wrong, Cody?

Am I that transparent, Uncle Frank?

Only to those of us who really know you.

What's the problem?

Well, today's the day that Dana gets graded

on that psychological profile she wrote about me.

So?

What if she finds out something weird about me,

like that I'm totally psychotic?

I don't see how that would ever happen.

Well, yeah, I know it's a long shot, Uncle Frank,

but, what if she finds out that I'm like that Sybil chick

and I've got multiple personalities?

I mean, like, one day I'm a shrimp farmer from New Orleans,

and the next day, I'm a hairdresser in Cleveland.

There can be 15 different personas right up here in the old casaba.

Cody, I think if you had 15 different personalities,

we'd know about it by now.

Well, no, not necessarily, Uncle Frank.

I mean, hey, what if they're 15 different people,

but, they're all exactly alike?

Good point. Good... Good point.

Well, thanks to Cody, I got a "D" on my psychology project.

A "D?" No. I'm doomed.

That's it, set the table for 16 tonight, Uncle Frank.

I'm a total psycho.

That's what I thought.

But, according to my psychology teacher, you're normal

and I'm the one who needs to get my head examined.

Interesting turn of events.

Suddenly the psychological disorder

is on the other foot, Dr. Ruth?

Let me see that paper there, Dana.

You're not going to believe what that idiot teacher wrote.

"Dear Miss Foster,

"just because your subject, Cody Lambert, gave some unusual answers,

"it doesn't mean he is, as you put it, a 'nut case.'

"He seems to be free thinking and creative.

"You, however, are narrow minded and judgmental.

"Get over it."

I like this guy.

Now if I want an "A" in the class, I have to do a make up paper.

I have to listen to somebody's dreams for a week and analyze them.

Pick me! Me, me, me!

Pick me! I'll do it, I'll do it!

No. I'm not dealing with your twisted mind any more.

But, wait, I have great dreams.

Hey, just last night I dreamed I was a singer in Vegas

with the head of Zigfreid and the body of Roy.

We'll return to Movie Classics

after a word from our sponsor.

Honey, this is gonna be JT's commercial.

Howdy, folks. I'm Farmer JT down at Leo's Auto World!

Our back forty is chock full of great deals.

We got cars, we got trucks

and we got Lulu the cow for the little kids to ride on.

Come to Leo's We've got cars

Our cars are priced to moo-ve!

Ya'll come back now, ya hear.

That's my boy.