All language subtitles for Nathan For You S01E08 Private Investigator Taxi Company.DVDRip.HI.en.COMCNTL

My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one of
Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now, I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners

make it in this
competitive world.

This is Nathan For You.

Brian Wolfe claims to be
the best private investigator

in the Los Angeles area.

You know what I mean? You keep
people happy, they're gonna keep,

you're gonna, they're
gonna come back.

I'd love to believe him, but
when I looked him up on Yelp,

he had zero reviews,
and that's not good.

So I paid him a visit
with a plan to change that.

When did you first know
that you liked to snoop?

(LAUGHS) Snoop.

No, it's not really
snooping. I mean, it's just,

- Well, it is.
- It's not.

You know what I mean?
We call it "observing."

Well, here's the thing.

I looked you up on Yelp,
and you have zero reviews.

Zero reviews. Well,
what a name, "Yelp."

Yelp's a website
where people look,

You look me up on Google,
you, look up "Wolfe investigations."

What about Yelp?

Okay, you keep on
going on about Yelp.

Why do I care about Yelp?

Seriously, no, let's just think
about this for one second.

Okay?

Been in business for 24 years.

Why do I care if Yelp
has a review about me?

Do you think I really
care about Yelp?

I don't give a
(BLEEP) about Yelp.

The plan: give
Wolfe's investigations

their first five-star
Yelp review.

You're (BLEEP) kidding me.

Are you done
having your tantrum?

Look, I'm sitting
down. I'm relaxed.

Just listen. I can't
just give you a review

without knowing
how good you are...

Okay.

So I'm gonna hire
you to track a person.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you 24 hours

to track my whereabouts,

and if you do a
good job at that,

I'll give you a
five-star review.

- Easy.
- Easy?

- Easy.
- All right.

- Okay.
- Ready?

- Ready?
- Set?

Go.

Give me some, give me a chance

to get a little bit
of a head start.

Okay.

It's too much.

A classic game of cat and mouse.

If Brian was as good
as he says he is,

he was probably two
steps ahead of me already.

But, luckily, I had a plan.

If Brian wanted a
good review from me,

it wasn't gonna be easy.

It's one thing for Brian
to track one of me,

but let's see how he
does with nine of me.

Prior to visiting Brian,
I hired eight actors

that looked identical to me,

and had them ready and
waiting in a nearby hotel room

to be my decoys.

You guys have one job,
which is to be me, right?

- ALL: Right - So
look how I'm standing.

Look at my posture.
Listen to how I'm talking.

- You got that?
- ALL: All right.

Got it.

I have a bit of a jaw thing,

so sometimes, I'll
go like this to my jaw.

If Brian was watching the hotel,

this was my first
chance to throw him off...

but I knew whether
he was there or not,

the next place he'd
look is my house.

My understanding is
that Nathan's at home.

So that's where we're
headed right now.

So I kept the best body
double back at the hotel

to prepare him to go
to my home as me.

So when you're there, you know,

you need to be like me.

Okay.

So there's a bunch
of dishes in the sink.

So you can do those.

Um, there's also laundry,

so you could do that.

Um, and the house
needs to be vacuumed.

So you want me to
clean your house?

Yeah, stuff that would
look like you're me.

Okay.

I gave him my keys
and my address,

but now I needed his.

If you're me, then
who's you, right?

So I gotta be you
while you're being me.

- Want my keys?
- Give me... Yeah.

If you think I'm
being unreasonable,

keep in mind that Brian
is a professional P.I.

and he'd be able to sniff out
any inconsistencies in my plan.

Do you have a girlfriend?

- I have a fiancée, yeah.
- A fiancée?

- Mmm-hmm.
- What's her number?

I need to be you if you're me,

or else it won't make any sense.

You want her number? Really?

- Uh, yeah.
- (CLEARS THROAT)

- Caitlin, it was?
- Yeah.

- When's the wedding date?
- Next year.

We still got to
lock down a date.

- You don't have a date yet?
- No.

Okay, maybe I'll
figure that out with her.

- Um...
- You do that.

With Dan's willingness

to include his fiancée
in the operation,

the switch was in full effect.

Then, we left as
discreetly as possible

And got into each other's cars.

My initial hunch was right.

Brian was secretly
watching my house

from an SUV across the street.

Hopefully, my plan to get
my double inside would work.

Oh, this could be
our subject right now.

Look at that. It's Nathan.

He's parked on the
north side of the street.

Bingo.

Looks like he's carrying a
case of beer on his left shoulder.

Amazing.

Going to a party tonight.

He's walking to the residence
right now, and now, he's out of view.

Mission accomplished.

The beer-on-shoulder
trick actually fooled Brian,

But, at the time,
I didn't know that.

So I headed to Dan's house.

And on my way, I
made a quick stop.

Hi, do you, do you
sell any condoms at all?

Yes, sir.

I didn't know what was gonna
happen once I got to Dan's house...

Do you have anything
that's smaller?

But I wanted to be
prepared for everything...

- This is the smallest?
- Yes.

But when I arrived,

my plan immediately
started to crumble.

- Hey.
- BOTH: Hi.

He left me a message that
someone was coming over,

but I wasn't expecting all this.

Babe, um, so this guy showed up,

and he keeps
calling himself "Dan,"

and he brought me
flowers and some Malbec.

Dan's fiancée was
creeped out by me,

and I didn't know what to do.

I mean, I'd feel better
if you, you know, left.

And then, when Dan gets
back, you can come back.

My whole plan was falling apart.

I was tired, and I had
nothing left to do but give up.

- Nathan.
- Hey.

How are you doing?

All right, I give
up. You got me.

You're playing mind
games. I can't keep up.

You're an easy prey, kid.

Well, you're the, you're
a pro, so what can I say?

Thank you.

Do you wanna go grab
a beer or something?

I know a great
place down the block.

- Let's do it, jump in.
- Do you wanna?

Yeah, let's go. Come on.

Okay.

Who the (BLEEP) are you?

- What?
- You heard what I said.

Who the (BLEEP) are you?

- I'm Nathan.
- You're not Nathan.

I just talked to you
three seconds ago.

You know what?
Enough shenanigans.

Get the (BLEEP)
out of my truck now.

"I learned an important
lesson that day,

"that no matter where I was

"or how long I
stayed in one place..."

What are you, (BLEEP)? Get out!

"I'd always be running.

"I'd always have no home
while Brian hunted me down.

"But the most important
thing I learned of all

"is that Brian S. Wolfe

"is an amazing
private investigator.

"Four stars.

"He's a little talkative,

"so that's where
he lost the one star."

(CHUCKLES)

"Nathan F."

That's your review.

You know what?

That's your opinion.

Typically, I get five stars.

Well, typically, you
have no reviews.

I don't give a flying
(BLEEP) about Yelp, okay?

I ought to do a background check on
you, see what type of fellow you are.

You know what you are?

You remind me of the wizard of loneliness.
'Cause you your own self, your own wizard.

That's what you are. (LAUGHS)

Look at you in a (BLEEP)
pink shirt and everything else.

Oh, you're killing me.
You, you have no friends.

That's why you're the
wizard of loneliness.

Earlier this season, I
faked a dating show

to help me overcome
my fear of women,

and it got me thinking,

maybe I could use this
strategy to help someone else.

One of the guys that works
on my show behind the scenes,

Salomon, is a
quiet, hard worker,

but he reminded
me a lot of myself.

And over the course of
the season, we bonded.

Well, I like the movie Click.

- With Adam Sandler?
- Yes, with Adam Sandler.

- That's funny.
- (CHUCKLES)

When I found out he had
issues with women as well...

Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh, at this time, no.

I decided to help him
out by setting him up

on a blind date
as part of my show.

I wanna set you
up on a blind date.

That, that's good.

- You don't seem that excited.
- No, I am.

No, well, show it
on your face, then.

- Uh, excitement?
- Yeah.

Yes, I'm excited!

Oh, great. You look excited.

- Yes, yes, I am.
- Great.

But when I pitched the
idea to Comedy Central,

all they saw was an
opportunity to cash in.

- There's a catch.
- What's the catch?

One of the sponsors
of the show is Quiznos.

Um, this isn't a joke,

but they are making us do this

at one of their restaurants.

Okay.

So would you be
willing to do your date

at a Quiznos?

(STAMMERS) It's okay.

The Quiznos is good.

Salomon took it well, and
even though I wasn't thrilled

with having product
placement in my show,

we'll see Salomon's
date in a bit.

But first, when I
get into a taxicab,

all I hope for is a
nice, quiet ride...

Lexington and Wilshire, please.

But there really is no
easy way to ask for that.

(SPEAKING ENGLISH)

Uh, Nathan.

(DRIVER SPEAKING)

Um, sorry,

I don't really wanna have
a conversation right now.

It's always been an
awkward situation for me.

That's why I devised a
solution and brought it

to struggling Los Angeles
taxi company Independent Cab,

where I met with
president Nettabi Ahmed.

All I'm suggesting
is you make it easy

for the customer to decide

if he wants a
conversation or not

and exactly what he
wants to talk about.

But you cannot ask somebody,

"Do you have, do you wanna
have a conversation or not?"

Until now. The plan:

A touch screen system
that will allow the customer

to discreetly
communicate to the driver

whether or not he
wants a conversation.

And if he does,
he'll actually be able

to select the topic
he wants to talk about.

The idea, I accept it right now,

but I need to test it.

Not, not only for
your documentary

or for your movie, but
for the business itself.

Before committing to anything,

Nettabi wanted
me to do a trial run

with one of his drivers, Reuben.

Along with Reuben's
home country of Armenia,

I picked three more
mainstream conversation topics

for customers to choose from

and took out some
books from the library

so that Reuben could
study up on them.

You promise you'll read these?

- I promise, yeah.
- Okay.

- 'Cause it's very important.
- Okay.

You know, I wanna
look good for your boss.

Okay.

After giving Reuben
a week to study,

we had our touch screen
system installed in his cab,

and it was time to go
pick up some customers.

Santa Monica and Wilton, please.

No problem.

So we're doing this
thing where you can select

your conversation
preferences for the ride.

See, yes or no.

Turns out a lot of
people were like me.

No one wanted
to talk to the driver.

Love that silence.

Just nice and quiet.

Are you enjoying the silence?

Kind of.

But in order to really
sell my idea to Nettabi,

I needed to show the
conversation feature

working with a customer.

Okay.

Um, you know, I just
wonder what California,

what was native to California,

or, you know,
like, dolphins, or,

- Which whales are native?
- Yeah, that, that'd be right.

Which whales are
native to California?

- California.
- Yeah.

I cannot ask. I'm sorry.

But that was covered
in the, in the books.

Did you read, did
you read the books?

- No.
- You didn't read them?

Okay...

I was stunned that
Reuben hadn't prepared.

And if he couldn't
talk about whales,

Nettabi would
never go for my idea.

So I asked him to pull over

and had the customer wait
outside so we could talk.

What's going on?

You don't know
anything about whales?

Reuben knew nothing,

and in a last-ditch effort, I
pulled up some whale facts

on my phone for him to memorize.

A sperm whale
can hold its breath

for at least one hour.

- One hour, it can hold, -
Hold its breath, sperm whale.

- Okay.
- Sperm whale.

I gave Reuben
about 15 whale facts,

and then, it was time to
bring the customer back in.

- Okay, got it?
- Yeah.

Okay, ready? I'm
gonna bring her back in.

- Yeah.
- Okay, don't, don't mess it up.

- BOTH: Okay.
- It all came down to this.

The fate of my concept
was in Reuben's hands.

So are you, you were
asking about whales?

- Yes.
- Okay.

So, um...

It's a, very
interesting animals.

Uh, for example...
(MISPRONOUNCES)

It can hold the breath
underwater for one hour.

What else?

Also, they can live 200 years.

Keep going.

All the whales
sit around family.

Wow.

Reuben came
through in a big way,

and in no time, he was
even making up his own facts.

Have you ever fought a shark?

- Yeah.
- You have?

Yeah, it was a
Great, Great White.

Wow.

Whoa, you fought a Great White?

What did you do?

His mouth like this.

If you go this way,
he cannot touch you...

Okay.

And I tried, and I beat it.

A Great White Shark came
to bite you, and you kicked it?

Yeah. I kicked it.

- And did you kill him?
- No.

- Yeah, I kill him.
- Oh, wow.

- Pretty good, huh?
- Yeah, it's, it's really interesting.

Do you like this system?
Have you ever seen it before?

No.

- Would you tell your friends about it?
- Uh, sure.

Reuben far surpassed any
expectations I had for him,

and I couldn't wait to
show Nettabi the results.

REUBEN: 'Cause this
way, he cannot touch you...

- Wow.
- And I tried, and I beat him.

That's great.

- You like it?
- The customer looks happy.

And the driver was comfortable.

So I like it.

I'm so happy I could help you.

Um, do you mind if I leave
you my business card?

Absolutely.

Basically, to care for it,

You just have to
feed it kind of wheat...

Every day, I have
to look at your card.

- You care for it, yeah.
- Oh, that's a brilliant idea.

Yeah, because you never
forget who gave it to you.

Yes, you are full,
full of good ideas.

- Oh, great.
- Have a good day.

- You too.
- Good to meet you.

Bye-bye.

Earlier, I set up one
of my employees

on a blind date, and the girl

I picked for him was someone

that I met on my fake
dating show, Rachel.

There's no one else
like me. (LAUGHS)

As part of the
agreement with Quiznos,

Salomon was gonna have
to say some branding cues

from the company
during his date.

So I gave him a hidden earpiece
and put myself in the back room

with a Quiznos marketing
rep so I could tell him

what to say during his date.

I could tell Salomon
was nervous,

but he looked fantastic
in my grandpa's suit.

I just hoped that he
could hit it off with Rachel.

Hi, my name is Salomon.

Hi.

I'm Rachel.

You have nice eyes.

Oh, thank you.

- So do you.
- Thank you.

You could ask her if,

"What's your favorite
Quiznos sub?"

All right, is that kind of
weird early on in the date?

I tried to hold off the
Quiznos rep as long

as I could so Salomon and
Rachel could really connect...

Have you seen the movie Click?

No.

Oh, it's about, um, a guy
that gets this remote control,

and he control life.

- Oh, wow, awesome.
- Yeah.

But, eventually, she
was just too persistent.

Did you know the
baja chicken has...

- Chef-inspired...
- Chef-inspired sauces?

Did you know the baja chicken
has chef-inspired sauces?

Oh, really? Cool.

Have him say, "Mmm, toasty."

Are you kidding me?

So, um...

Will you say, "Mmm,
toasty" after you bite it?

Mmm.

Toasty.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, we could talk
about the artisan breads,

the freshly sliced
meats and cheeses...

Okay, I'm, I love Quiznos,

and I'm happy to do this,

but can we let them
do their thing for a bit,

and get to know each other?

Okay.

Be genuine. Be yourself.

Speak from the heart.

Do you, do you know any poems?

No.

- Do you?
- Yes, I do.

"Roses are red,

"Violets are blue.

"No one is prettier than you."

Aw. Thanks.

- You're welcome.
- That's good.

Yeah, if we can throw
in the tag line again.

All right, wrap it up, Salomon.

So, uh, it seems,

uh, that we're done with...

With the tasty Quiznos...

Sandwich.

Great.

You're real pretty

and I want to see you again.

Even with the awkwardness
of our product placement,

I was so happy things
worked out for Salomon.

But there was still one
thing I had to look into.

Earlier tonight, you
saw me help a P.I.

But what I didn't show you
is that after we were done,

I asked him if he
wanted to hang out,

and he rebuffed me.

Would you wanna hang
out on Saturday night?

No, it's not gonna happen.

- Why?
- I have plans.

- You have plans?
- I do.

- On Saturday?
- I do.

What are the plans?

Taking my girl out to dinner.

You're going out to
dinner with your girl?

Yes.

All right.

But there was something in Brian's
tone that just didn't seem right to me,

so I hired another private
investigator to spy on Brian

to see if he really
went out with his girl.

And if it's open,
he's definitely home.

Yeah, exactly.

I never saw him
leave at all, period.

'Cause he told me he was
going out with his girl that night.

Oh, interesting.

You don't look too happy.

No, I'm just, I'm
surprised he lied to me.

What, do you think the guy,
like, he didn't like me, or...

I don't know, you know?

I mean, I mean, if I
don't like somebody,

I'd probably say, "I'd
love to go out with you.

"I'm just really busy."

Right, so he was just
trying to get rid of me.

I think he was trying
to get rid of you.

- (CHUCKLES)
- That's what it sounds like.

- No, sorry about that...
- No, no, no.

- It's just my opinion.
- You did a great job.

My pleasure.

Um, what are you
doing this weekend?

This weekend?

Uh, probably going
to go to San Francisco.

We'll have to make
it another time.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

No, I'm probably going to go
to San Francisco, see my family.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

Okay.

All right, thanks so much
for coming in and helping.

- You got it. Take care. Nice to meet you.
- All right.

Do you wanna hang out
sometime, a time outside?

I don't know.

- It's fine.
- Mmm...

- We don't have to. That's fine.
- Yeah, okay.

You're, are you in a
relationship right now?

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Okay. So sorry, never mind.

Nice guys like
us are left behind.

Mmm, how do you say?
"Nice guys finish last."

You have no friends.

That's why you're the
wizard of loneliness.

That's you.

I need you to pretend
to be my friend.

I can pay you.

So are you attracted to him?

I guess no.

He wasn't really
what I expected.

We'll have to make
it another time.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE LINE RINGING)

Good afternoon.
Global investigations.

Hi, you're a
private investigator?

Uh, yes. How may
I direct your call?

Um, yeah, I just
want to find out

if a Paul Katz is going to
San Francisco this weekend.

(UP-TEMPO DRAMATIC
ORCHESTRATION)

How much do you love Quiznos?

I love Quiznos.

Be honest. Do you
really love Quiznos?

I love Quiznos.